Am I a freak and a loser?

[samii]

I Have Been Unemployed Now For Almost 3 Years,And What My GP Thinks Is That It Is Just Anxiety/Depression I Have, So She Prescribed Me 20mg of Citalopram.

What Gets Me Down The Most Is I Am Only 22,And I Am Stuck/Doomed In This Terrible Rut!:weep: No Job, No Social Life, Although I Have Few Close Friends That Live Around The Corner I Never Ever See Them,My Daily Routine Consists Of Walking Dog, Cleaning House For My Parents And Seeing My Partner, Me And My Partner Dont Do Very Much Though And Its All Down To Me And My Negativity It Sometimes Rubs Off On Him And I Make him Feel Horrible And It Often Ruins His Day!

The Day I Dread Is When I Have To Go Into Town For My Signing On At The JobCentre Which I Hate! I Always Feel That I Am Not In Control Of My Thoughts, Always On Edge And That Something Bad Is Going To Happen! I Also Have A Problem Maintaining Eye Contact And I Know People Notice Which Then Makes Me Think About It Even More.

Some Days Are Ok, Meaning I Maybe Get The Odd Day Out The Week That I Actually Feel "Normal", When I DO I Tend To Push Myself To Do The Things I Want/Have To Do In Week All In One Day!

My Family And My Partner Think I Am A Complete Loser. I Feel or My Family Including My Younger Sister I Know They Are Worried About Me But They Never Try To Talk About It.. I Havent Really Spoke About How I Feel To Anyone So I Arranged An Appointment To See Clinical Associate On 16th Of Feb. I Have Registered With Voluntary Work To Maybe Up My Confidence And Self Worth.

My Partner Keeps Saying I'm To Paranoid, Insecure About Myself And That I Need Help With Controlling My Freak Outbursts...I Do Need Help I Cannot Cope Anymore

I Just Want To Feel Free Again

[suzy-sue]

You are not a freak or a loser ok ? Your family and partner dont understand the nature of your illness thats all .Its a shame you cant talkt to them more about it all ,It would help you and them ,The citalopram will help a lot with the depression and put you in a better frame of mind to deal with the Anxiety and low self esteem issues .Voluntary work is an excellent idea and will be very good in more ways than one .You need some form of talking therapy ,also CBT will be of great benefit to you .Ask your DR ABOUT THIS ..Do you have a local MIND near you at all ? they are very good and are experienced in talking to people with these type of issues ,They do a drop in where they offer help of different kinds as well as one to one councelling .Remember you are not the first to feel like this and you wont be the last .This wont be forever and you will get back to who you were before if you are prepared to help yourself .. Take care and all the best with your recovery ,you will get plenty of help here and you are never alone .Sue x:hugs:

[pinkpiglet]

NO NO NO! YOU ARE NOT A FREAK NOR A LOSER!!
YOU ARE IN PRETTY MUCH THE SAME SITUATION AS MANY PEOPLE WITH ANXIETY OR DEPRESSION. I CAN JUST ABOUT BE SURE THAT EVERYONE OF US ON THIS SITE ARE EITHER GOING THROUGH THE SAME OR HAVE BEEN THROUGH SOMETHING SIMILIAR IN THE PAST.
YOU ARE TRYING TO MAKE CHANGES IN YOUR LIFE AND FOR THIS 'A BIG WELL DONE TO YOU!!':yesyes:
YOU HAVE ARRANGED AN APPOINTMENT WITH A CLINICAL ASSOCIATE (ALTHOUGH I AM NOT CERTAIN WHAT HIS IS,LOL BUT I AM SURE IT IS POSITIVE) AND YOU HAVE SIGNED UP FOR VOLUNTARY WORK. I HARDLY THINK THAT YOUR FAMILY AND PARTNER THINK YOU ARE A COMPLETE LOSER BUT THEY MAY BE STRUGGLING TO UNDERSTAND YOUR DILEMA. THEY ARE PROBABLY ALSO CONCERNED FOR YOU AND FRUSTRATED THAT YOU ARE NOT GETTING THE BEST FROM LIFE. THIS DOESNT MEAN THEY ARE AGAINST YOU, THEY JUST DONT KNOW HOW TO WORK WITH AND SUPPORT YOU AFFECTIVELY. YOUR PARTNER WOULD NOT BE WITH YOU IF THEY DID NOT LOVE YOU SO GET THESE NEGATIVE FEELINGS OUT OF YOUR HEAD STRAIGHT AWAY. THEY WILL SEE THAT YOU ARE MAKING GREAT STRIDES TO FIGHT YOUR CONDITION AND SO DO WE!!
GETTING ON WITH LIFE MIGHT SOUND LIKE THE EASIEST, MOST NATURAL THING IN THE WORLD TO MANY PEOPLE BUT FOR SOMEONE WITH ANXIETY/DEPRESSION EVEN THE SIMPLEST THINGS CAN BE SUCH A CHALLENGE.
YOU DO RIGHT TO PUSH YOURSELF ON GOOD DAYS, TO GET OUT THERE AND MAKE UP FOR THE BAD DAYS IS THE BEST MEDICINE AND MEANS YOU ARE RESISTING GETTING INTO A RUT.
AS FOR SIGNING ON AT THE JOB CENTRE....WE HAVE ALL BEEN THERE AT SOME TIME OR OTHER (WELL MANY OF US ANYWAY!) AND THE FEELING IS THE SAME FOR ALL OF US. THEY ARE NOT PLEASANT PLACES TO BE ANYWAY AND IT CAN BE QUITE SCARY. I REALLY THINK YOU SHOULD READ A BOOK CALLED 'COGNITIVE BEHAVIOUR THERAPY FOR DUMMIES' IT IS A SELF HELP GUIDE TO UNDERSTANDING MENTAL HEALTH AND GIVES YOU TIPS ABD GUIDANCE ON HOW TO COPE WITH IT. THIS IS A BOOK THAT NEEDS TO BE READ WHEN YOU ARE OPEN TO ADVICE AND WANT TO GET WELL. IT SOUNDSA LIKE YOU FALL INTO THIS CATEGORY. YOU SOUND TO ME LIKE YOU ARE DOING 'ENOUGH' TO GET YOURSELF RIGHT. YOU REALISE THAT GETTING WELL IS NOT SOMETHING THAT WILL HAPPEN OVERNIGHT AND THAT YOU NEED TO TAKE EACH DAY AS IT COMES WITH LITTLE STEPS.
YOU DO NOT SOUND LIKE A FREAK OR A LOSER AND I HOPE YOU CAN START TO SEE THAT TOO.
TAKE CARE, KEEP US POSTED XX

[Spagetti]

Hi Samii,

Youre not a freak or a looser. Youre suffering from an illness.

Mood swings and paranoia are classic symptoms, as are having good and bad days with regards to their severity.

Applying for voluntary work is a massive achievement. You deserve a big pat on the back :)

I do think, as mentioned above, that you would benefit from some talking therapy. Anti depressents can be good to help lessen the symptoms but therapy helps to deal with the cause and can help you with coping tecniques.

As much as other people (friends, family) try to understand these illnesses it is very difficult for them to do so unless they have experienced them themselves. There is information out there designed for such people to help them with this and guide them on how to help. Perhaps this would help you and your family?

Take care xx

[smudger]

Hi. You are not a loser. You are ill and don't ever believe things that ignorant people say! You are REALLY brave and you are trying your best which is always good enough! Maybe your family and boyfriend need to understand more about your illness. Maybe you could explain to them how you feel?Communication is so important in all this and you need your family and boyfriend on your side to help you heal. If you feel their support, maybe you won't feel so alone which is how you sound. Meanwhile, somebody will always be here to talk to you. Good luck with the voluntary work, thats a fab idea.xx :hugs:

[NotResponding]

Man, Im in the same position, cept Im not on Citalopram anymore. Not worked in 3 years either, I remember having to go to the JobCentre, and loathed it everytime, felt really tense and sweating inside, thinking they would just get angry and tell me to get a job! (Although ofcourse they wouldn't) Just the potential rejection. Mayby they have someone there that's better with people, they are more understanding. Also too I get a day when Im okay, and I get all manic and hyper, I think it's an imbalance (cuz we're clearly not meant to be this anxious for long times) so it sways back too far the other way until it settles.
The volunteering sounds good, think you should go for it, i havent done voluteering but everybody says it's okay, like you said it could build up your self-confidence more.
Good luck samii
Oh i prbly mention this in everytime, but if you dont do much try excercising, gets rid some muscle tension, that most of the time I dont notice it's there. Also it'll use up stored up adrenalin, so a panic attack will be less intense.
:)

[eternally optimistic]

Hey Sammi

Like everyone else says here, you are not any of the things you describe.

Sometimes life throws us challenges that are difficult and this is one such time that you have encountered.

Citalopram should help ease some of your anxiety and depression and get you back on track.

I've said it a few times to people on here, but take each step, one by one, and do not heap LOADS of pressure on yourself.

You are most definitely not a loser and the voluntary work thing, is a great idea.

Im sure your family do not think you are an issue, and maybe if you could share some thoughts with them, you might realise that. The counselling, I am sure, will help you too.

The few things you have planned, show that you are not as pesimistic as you think.
You are already starting to move forward.

Life for everyone at the moment is difficult in this job market and you will get there in the end.

GOOD LUCK AND KEEP GOING AND KEEP SMILING.

Take care.

[Nidawi]

As you can see samii you are not alone! I constantly feel exactly the same and get so nervous when I am out in public. When someone is talking to me I often miss half of what they are saying because I am too busy thinking about if they have noticed that I can't look in their eyes or where i'm holding my hands etc. An important thing to remember is that what in our heads can seem like its screaming out to everyone around us often goes unnoticed to others (for example the people in the jobcenter are most probably unaware you suffer so much when you sign on) The inside of your head can be a lonely and frightening place but we are not alone and we are not freaks or loosers!!

If you are truely worried about how your family and partner are perceiving you then perhaps print off some of the information on this website so that they can better understand what your are going through on a daily basis?

[PixieL]

Hi Samii, im in the exact same position as you, same age same meds same feelings. Your not alone hon, nor are you a freak or a loser. Have you thought about going for therapy at all? it could really help you it's helped me alot, its just good to talk to someone else who isnt part of your family, someone who listens and dosnt judge, you can find nhs mental health info about your local area on google or the yellow pages, or ask your doctor. I hope this helps, hugs to you xx

[charlotte83]

Hi samii,

You are having a bad time with how you feel at the moment and are low in confidence but that certainly doesn't make you a freak or a loser. You just need to talk about how you feel to someone, maybe even counselling would help? I've not worked in a long time too and it does knock your confidence but you will get there again, I promise :). The voluntary work really might help to get you back into working again and will help you to feel better about yourself and your self worth, because you are worth just as much as everybody else so don't forget that!
Try and take each day as it comes and each little step along the way is an acheivement, no matter how small it might seem to you. Keep going and you will get there eventually, and try and explain to your family how you feel. I'm sure they don't think you are a loser, and are probably just concerned to see you feeling so unhappy. With their understanding and support and your determination, you can improve. If you have any setbacks along the way, they can only make you stronger in the long run so don't feel as if you have failed. Good luck!

[looking4answers]

With so many people responding its kind of pointless for me to.. to be 22 again I would say yep paranoid.. I have always been like this thinking the worst that others were thinking this and that.. Ill tell you something someone wise once told me..You think everyone is looking at you and thinking this and that and you find they aren't even thinking about you and could actually care less. . I mean you are so focused on yourself you think the world is revolving around you when in fact im sorry to say most people's thoughts are vaugely on you for a very short time and they actually think about other things other than you lol sorry to be so bold..

At 22 goodness I would give anything to be able to tell people again at that age to just take a flying leap and then go enjoy myself and stop worrying..Its not really fair you get wiser when you get older then its too late lol.. Also ..you know when people say how are you doing? They don't even listen to the response because in reality they don't really care its just a greeting.. Take care don't worry and be happy... Michael