my head is in bits.........AGAIN

[freakedout]

Hello peeps,

Well I usually write in my diary when I feel like this but I thought I would try the forum instead. It is all doom and gloom. I cannot tolerate this 'mental illness' any more. My head does my head in, if you know what I mean.

I am in the process of changing my medication, weaning off citalopram and have been taking dosulepin for two and a half weeks. since the change in meds, initially I was anxious and agitated and panicky again. The last couple of days I have felt a bit better than I have in months. Now I feel like it has all been a false sense of security, and that thick black cloud is there again, closing in on me.

I feel hopelessly down and everything is pointless. The thing that I cannot understand is that I have everything to be happy about and everything to live for, my husband, children, a few good friends and family members for example. Not to mention the job and other material things.

It is all irrelevant, I feel so empty emotionally. Actually I guess that is a lie because I feel sad, useless, ugly and unworthy of the space I take up.
I am scared, how long do people exist in this dreadful state. I cannot handle it. The mood swings thrash my head because I get a sense of hope when my mood lifts (which has been rare recently). I always think "this is it, I am getting better" then all my hopes are dashed.

I am sorry about this verbal diarrhoea. I am not looking for sympathy but for some answers that I can never find. How can I find the will to carry on when I want to curl up and just die? I am not being selfish, just overwhelmed. Actually I am being selfish and self-centred. I hate myself.

I will probably regret posting this but I am sorry it is how I am right now.

bye, from the freaked out one.

[superfran23]

hi there,
first of all well done for posting your feelings on the site. here you are not judged by what you write, we just share and try to help each other.
you are certainly not alone in how you are feeling, hence me up and on site at 3am. its hard to shift thoughts out of your head even though your surroundings should mean you should be happy.
A diary is a good place to start, its my new years resolution.
bad days come and then they go again, suffering them is hard. the emotions in us are hard to control. sometimes i wish there was a magic wand that makes us feel better!
the change in medication has only been 2 weeks, and the change has probably set a few things off balance, give yourself some time to let for body get used to the new meds.
and you are certainly not be selfish or self centred. how are we supposed to love anyone else truely and completely until we like ourselves and look after good old number one?!?
use this forum and site, waffle away ( just like i am)
take care
fran x

[freakedout]

Hi Fran

Just want to say thanks. You are soooooo kind. I do feel a bit happier right now and your reply has contributed to that.

kind regards,

[Sax]

hey Louisa,

Hang in there, each day is a new day!!! Don't say, 'how long can you go on like this' its irrelevant to the here and now! Don't predict the future or hope for months ahead goals, its today which is important!
If you feel like crap today, hopefully tomorrow you will be a little lighter. Oh gosh I so no how you feel!!!!!!!!!!! However, just for a little bit of encouragement to you, I felt the same but am having some really good days at the moment! Nothing in particular has changed, same stresses etc but sometimes for some reason we wake up with a different outlook, feel comforted this WILL happen but don't worry about when.
Take the days slowly and surely and you will come through this dark period. You will becasue you are a coper, I knwo you are and have faith that you are a strong person inside but its just a little lost with the horrid depression illness you (and I) are suffering from.

Hang in there as I say and might catch you in chat later if you feel up to it or want to. Pm me if you want me to go in at a certain time, here most of time on and off so let me know but don't feel any pressure to. I dissappeared for quite a time when I felt as you do now, everyone manages in different ways but you are certainly not alone!!!

love Sax xxxx[8D]

"Friends are the like the stars......you can't always see them but they are always there!"

[Ma Larkin]

Hi Louisa, there are some precious comments in your replies on this post. You do have to respect, love and put yourself first. If you feel worthless then you expect other people feel the same way about you too. Hold your head up, feel and think positive and I bet you notice the difference immediately. My New Year's resolution was to put me first and not let other people walk all over me. Part of my anxiety is through other people who have put me down and used me over and over again, and I have let them. It sounds like you have a great family. I'm a single parent with 3 children aged 17, 8 and 5. I have spent every minute of New Year with them up to now (apart from having to go back to work today) and have pushed my depression and anxiety aside, concentrated on them and the love they have given me back in these last couple of days has been amazing. They have all noticed the difference. I won't let this beat me and I will not tolerate anyone using me or making me feel worthless any more. I HAVE to do this. If I manage it, it will be the first New Year's resolution I haven't broken LOL!!! Take care and hope you feel much better soon, Les, x

[Trev]

I don't know if anyone has mentioned it before but Claire Weekes is an essential in your book collection if you haven't already got any of her stuff.

Firstly, you can get through it and come out the other side ok. You may even look back and find some positive things come from it. I know that probably sounds ridiculous to you now but that's because you are acute and in the worst bit.

The fear of it coming back will actually help to feed the mental paths that it needs to come back. I don't want to go off on a huge one but I would say you might find that if you TRY and :

1) Relax your attitude to it all. Take as much opportunity to mentally relax (most important I would say) and physically relax doing yoga or getting massages. Pamper yourself and have some definite time for you to do something that you enjoy doing (or did enjoy doing before). I started on the guitar which I can now play really badly......still, in my head it sounds like Jimi Hendrix so who cares if it sounds cr*p!!
2) Rip up the calendar and ignore how many hours/days/weeks pass. Use the time to educate yourself as much as you can on the subject. There are some fabulous people on here and the whole place is a font of knowledge and real life experience.
It is the case for nearly everyone that I have dealt with that the process of recovery can be very much "two steps forward, one back". Accept that there will be days where you feel alright only to find that the next day you are worse for no fathomable reason. It's how it goes and that's probably all we need to know about it. Accepting it will happen takes away it's fuel of disillusionment which leads to you beating yourself up. Gradually the bad days get less and less until they go.
3) Stop this negative thoughts spiral starting. You have every right to be what you are. We are all different and that's a good thing. If we were all the same it would be a bloody boring world.
Each negative thought will only lead you down into an inward, negative spiral of self loathing. TRY and replace negative thoughts with positive ones. Actively try and look at the positive in everything, even if you don't believe it at first. This will gradually change your thought pattern.

Notice that there are alot of gradual things. This doesn't change overnight so there's no point expecting it to. Accept that is how it is.

You are only reacting the same way that hundreds of thousands of people before you are reacting. And it's a natural reaction in the circumstances. Education and time and input from you will mean that you will get through this. Stick with it and post whatever you want. I can guarantee somebody else will have been there before you and can help.

Cheers,
Trev :D

[freakedout]

Hi Sax, Lesley and Trev,

Thanks for your replies, I feel a bit foolish, like I have made a big deal over nothing. Thankyou for your positive words.

I will aim to focus more on the positive than the negative, although it will probably require some practice.

Sax, I tried chat a couple of times but could not think of anything useful to contribute at the time. It is the difficulty concentrating thing and then when I have been silent for so long I feel paranoid that people must think I am a wierdo!!! I know I am not so special that people would be thinking about me but once I am a bit more comfortable with myself I may see you in there soon. Will return your PM at some point.

Thanks again all,

[Sax]

Awwww lousia,

Never feel you have to think of constructive things to say in chat, tis there to be of comfort if you want some comfort and participate if and only if you wish. No one thinks you are a weirdo, for sure we all understand for have had or are having very similar experienes.

Chat isn't for everyone but please feel perfectly free just to come in and enjoy the banter, sometimes takes your mind off your troubles or else come in and if you connect with someone also feel free to open up and talk. Choice is yours but option is there.

You are soooo so down on yourself at the moment I can feel what you are saying in your words. Things will get better for you, I just know they will but I know these are just words to you at present at how you are feeling.

Just to say again you are neither alone or as isolated as you feel, remember we are all here to support one another so I hope you take a little comfort in this and hopefully soon I will get a chance for a word we bump into each other in chat.

Take care Louisa

love Sax xxx[8D]

"Friends are the like the stars......you can't always see them but they are always there!"

[superfran23]

i know what you mean by feeling foolish... i mean look at the stupid topics i've posted. but then again i realise that there might be someone else who is feeling the same way and feels that little bit better to know they are not alone.
so come into chat, talk about the weather talk about anything but yourself i you want to.
you are not foolish or a werido so remember that,
chat soon hopefully
take care
Fran x

[Antipodes]

Hi freaked out,

The medication you have been prescribed is Dothiepin which is a Tricyclic Antidepressant ("TCA"). It's an "oldie" (and useful to take instead of a sleeping tablet :- ). I recommend you go back to your GP or Psychiatrist and ask for something more effective and specific to your needs.

Your previous medication was a SSRI (selective serotonin reuptake inhibitor) - one of many. I couldn't handle the side-effects from Citalipram either. In my case I went on to other SSRI's not backwards 20 or 30 years to a TCA's.

Why not do a post in meds stating clearly the symtoms of your disorder e.g. anxiety, panic attacks, poor mood, hypervigilence, poor sleep and see what other people in UK are using for silmilar symptoms.

Hope this helps,

Antipodes

[freakedout]

Hi Antipodes,

Thanks for your information. Yes I am well aware what the medication I am taking is and what it used to be named. The last time I saw my GP I asked to try the dothiepin thinking it may well help me sleep whilest lifting my mood. I am due to see a Psychiatrist for assessment and review of my medication but not until February. I had the option of staying on citalopram and feeling suicidal or trying something else for the 6 weeks before seeing psych's.

It was a dilemma, really I would prefer the opinion of a specialist but I was feeling so dreadful that I am willing to try anything. I appreciate that TCA's are old style medication. I may well do a post on meds at some point, thankyou for your suggestion, however at the moment I will be seeing my GP again next week and then Psychi consultant, so rather than swap again I will probably ride things out and await that specialist appointment.

My husband has taken and tried various anti-depressants over the years and is recommending Efexor, so that is one to discuss with the doctor, however I am not sure how effective this would be with panic and anxiety disorders.

Thanks again, please note that I am feeling brighter than when I originally posted which is a relief,

bye Louisa

[Sax]

:DWell done Freakedout,

I'm so chuffed you are feeling brighter! Little by little and small steps!!!!!

Well done and ((((((hug)))))) for doing so well today!

love Sax xx[8D]

"Friends are the like the stars......you can't always see them but they are always there!"

[freakedout]

[V]My head is in bits again[V]

I cannot stand it, I feel desparate but I don't know what to do. I am so depressed, I hate myself. I just wish that I could disappear in a puff of smoke like the wicked witch of the west.

I see my CBT therapist tommorrow but I am so sick of being so negative and such a hateful person that I feel like not going. I know I waste her time I cannot even think about CBT. I feel like I p*** her off being so miserable all the time.

I feel like a child that doesn't know what to do.

What shall I do?

It is all freaking me out [V]