View Full Version : Anorexia
This is continuation from my Anorexia Crisis (http://www.nomorepanic.co.uk/showthread.php?t=5993) thread.
Afternoon Piglet and Lisa.
Piglet:
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">Karen it most certainly could be called progress. There is a major difference between the posts at the beginning of this thread and the posts now!!!!
You have had lots of light bulb moments as Meg calls them, in recent weeks.</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
It doesn't feel much like progress at the moment. I am still struggling with the realities of getting caught in this bingeing cycle and am feeling low again today. None of my clothes fit properly anymore as they all show how fat I am.
Now I'll have to buy size 18 clothes to hide all the rolls of fat :(. I can't cope with this.
I did email the clinic this morning to see if I can visit on Wednesday afternoon but haven't had a response yet. I don't think I even qualify for treatment anymore as I am no longer anorexic - just fat.
Karen x
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Hi Karen,
I am so glad you have merely labelled this thread 'Anorexia'.
You have made REAL progress, but of course you are still having your bad days; don't we all!
Hopefully, the clinic will respond soon and you can go on Wednesday.
Take Care,
Ray
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance, I hope you dance.
~Mark Sanders and Tia Sillers
Hi Ray
Thanks for your reply.
I figured leaving the 'crisis' bit out of the title was as much of a positive change as I can make at present.
The truth is virtually every day does feel like I'm in crisis, but now I don't think I can be anorexic anymore because I am too fat.
Now I want to hide away at home because I am too ashamed to be seen like this.
I upset Jac too because I am so selfish and bad :(.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Hey, I'm beginning to think you must be a different Karen.:D
Selfish??
No Way!!!
You will pull through and I think you'll feel quite different quite soon.
Hugs,
Ray
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance, I hope you dance.
~Mark Sanders and Tia Sillers
Hi ya hun,
Yes I'll let you call it Anorexia on this occasion but I expect the next thread to be Anorexia progress (that's nice of me isn't it)?
You know very well that you are not fat - size 18 indeed, what are you like:)
This week is about managing what you can, so that you feel well enough to visit the clinic.
You don't disgust anyone at anytime, whether you be the size of a house or teeny weeny enough to fit in my pocket. You are you and we all love you lots and lots, so we just want the probs you have with eating to get sorted out.
Big hug as always.
Love Piglet xx
Hi Karen,
Sorry you're struggling again today. I think your thoughts are distorted today as you're not fat and definitely not a size 18, I'm alot bigger than you ( several stones heavier I expect) and even I'm not that size. You do still have anorexia but as you have been eating more recently you are just feeling bigger I expect as you are not used to having food in you regularly. This is a normal reaction after your binge and these feelings will pass again. It is all the anorexia talking.
It's positive about going to the clinic on Wednesday.
I very much doubt you have done anything to upset Jac, you're NOT a bad person, quite the opposite I'd say.
Hang in there, big hug and thinking of you,
Lisa x
Thank you for your messages.
Ray: It is very kind of you to say what you have. I think you all see a different person to how I see myself.
Piglet:
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">Yes I'll let you call it Anorexia on this occasion but I expect the next thread to be Anorexia progress (that's nice of me isn't it)?</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
Thanks :D
I do think I am fat and if I can gain so much weight in a few weeks the I certainly could be a size 18 before you know it. I want to be able to get back into my kids sized clothes again.
Thank you for the hug and I do know you all care about me, far more than I care about myself it seems.
Lisa: Thanks for what you have said. I do feel big and how does anyone know how big I really am now?
I feel terrible about Jac.
Karen x
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote"> I do feel big and how does anyone know how big I really am now?
<div align="right">Originally posted by Karen - 02 January 2006 : 17:05:01</div id="right">
</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
Hi Karen,
Ok to be fair I have only seen a photo of you taken a while back now but as Meg said recently in your other thread, it is impossible to go from being severely underweight to being overweight in such a short space of time. Even if you had binged every single day it would not be possible. I doubt you have even reached a normal weight yet. This is still the anorexia talking. I know this is hard for you but it is true Karen.
I don't know why you're thinking this but I'm sure you can't have done anything to upset Jac.
How's your afternoon been? What have you been doing today?
Take care, have another hug :)
Lisa x
nomorepanic
02-01-06, 19:14
Karen
To be a sized 18 you will need to weigh about 14 stone - I should know lol.
You are nowhere even close to that so try not to worry ok? I know it is hard but you are not fat atall.
Why do you think you have done to upset Jac?
Nicola
Hi Lisa
I do hear what is being said about it being impossible for me to go from being underweight to overweight in a short period of time, but it is how I am feeling.
Bingeing every day would be a nightmare and yet I feel like I have been doing this and that I have gained so much weight.
Have been trying to set up the wireless Internet connection for my PC and laptop this afternoon but discovered the salesman sold me the wrong kind of router. So it has been very frustrating and I haven't got very far.
Thanks for the hug. I really appreciate it.
Karen x
Hi Nic
Thanks for your message.
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">To be a sized 18 you will need to weigh about 14 stone - I should know lol.
<div align="right">Originally posted by nomorepanic - 02 January 2006 : 19:14:57</div id="right">
</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
I hope I haven't offended anyone as that's the last I want and I didn't mean anything by it.
I am just really struggling to come to terms with this at the moment. I am struggling to eat too because I am too scared of not being able to stop.
Jac sent me a message and asked if she had done something wrong as I didn't ring her New Year's Eve. I didn't want to tell her what a state I'd been in as I don't want her to worry. I should have called her.
Karen x
Hi Karen,
Sorry you are having a bad time at the moment. I am sure you will turn that corner again soon.
Have you spoken to Jac? I am sure if you explained she would understand completely. I would have done the same thing as you. Sometimes when we are feeling bad it is hard to talk to people close. You didn't want to worry her which is perfectly understandable. You do what you think is right.
Tammy x
Thanks Tammy.
I haven't spoken to Jac. I have only exchanged some texts. She's said she is ok but I feel bad for her thinking I was upset with her.
I was in a real mess on NYE and wasn't up to talking to anyone.
Karen x
*I feel bad for her thinking I was upset with her.*
I'm sure she wouldn't want you to feel bad about it. Try not to think about it anymore, if she is texting you she probably isn't worried. Are you seeing her soon? It might be good to talk to her about how you are feeling at the moment and she helped you so much before didn't she.
I hope you feel a little better soon.
Tammy x
Karen,
I'm sure Jac is fine, either tell her the truth or even that you find new year hard and didn't feel up to talking or tell her that you didn't want to intrude on her while she is still grieving. Either way she will understand. Honesty is often the best way though, good friends will understand, she isn't upset with you I'm sure nor is she likely to be if she knows the truth.
Still thinking of you.
Lisa x
nomorepanic
02-01-06, 21:18
Karen
I am not offended atall - I was just trying to help you visualise what a size 18 was.
I am sure Jac will understand and won't think any worse of you atall.
Nicola
Thanks for the replies Tammy, Lisa and Nic.
I suppose Jac is ok if she is texting me. I am not sure when I will see her again as she is very busy at the moment.
She has enough to cope with already I think without me asking her for more help or giving her more to worry about.
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">I was just trying to help you visualise what a size 18 was.
<div align="right">Originally posted by nomorepanic - 02 January 2006 : 21:18:12</div id="right">
</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
I see myself as being bigger than other people tell me I am. It's like looking at myself through a distorted mirror, except I believe the images I see, particularly now I have gained weight.
Tonight I tried to eat 2 slices of turkey with some tinned tomatoes but I felt utter despair and so ashamed about eating. Food and eating are bad and I feel terrible for eating one mouthful.
I can't face seeing my doctor tomorrow and being weighed :(
Karen x
Hi Karen,
Jac will be just fine I'm sure, she was probably making sure you were ok as much as anything but as she is texting she is fine and not cross with you.
The anorexia is making you believe you are fatter than you are, but I think you already know that. In fact many of us see ourselves as being bigger than others see us.
Well done for trying to eat tonight. Food and eating are not bad, it's just that you are seeing it this way right now. I know it's hard but just keep trying, that's all you can do. Maybe try and eat a bit more tomorrow.
I know going to the doctors will be hard, if you have gained weight your doctor will be so pleased and you will have showed her that you can make some progress. We are all proud of you for fighting this, dealing with this and coping with this. Even on bad days it takes alot of strength to get through it and you have that. I do realise it's a battle for you day after day.
Did the clinic reply yet?
Anyway hope you sleep well tonight, take care,
Lisa x
Hi Lisa
Thanks for your support. I am sorry I haven't had anything constructive to write on your thread today.
You are probably right about Jac. I just didn't want to add to what she is already dealing with.
Today has been a bad day for eating, well as far as my health is concerned I suppose. Deep down I feel better when I don't eat much but the distress at trying is not at all pleasant. I keep trying but some days it is just too difficult.
I think I am going to cancel the appointment with my doctor tomorrow. I know that being weighed is going to push me over the edge again and I can't handle it. I was less distressed when I was bordering on being at such a low weight that I might be hospitalised. I was scared then but also felt good that I was at such a low weight. Now I just feel ashamed and disgusted with myself.
No, nothing from the clinic yet. I suppose it is a bank holiday though.
Hope you sleep well too.
Karen x
Hi Karen,
There is nothing to apologise for honestly, you always help with your replies, even saying hi and that you're thinking of me is good enough and even that isn't expected and especially not if you're having a bad day.
How are you today, did you go to the doctors? Have the clininc replied about Wednesday now?
Thinking of you,
Lisa x
Hi Lisa
Thanks. I am tired today as I didn't sleep well again and I am still feeling very low.
I avoided going to see my doctor this morning but I have rearranged the appointment for Friday. I still don't want to be weighed or have the huge weight I am now recorded on my records.
However, I can't resist checking my weight myself and feel at least I am moving in the right direction again, having lost 2lbs since Sunday. I suppose I hope that I might lose another couple of pounds before Friday. I want to get rid of this weight as quickly as possible.
Still no word from the clinic so I don't know if I am definitely going tomorrow or not.
Karen x
bluesparkle
03-01-06, 12:55
hi karen...
i keep reading this and yes i know this reply doesnt really fit in with the conversation at the moment but i just wanted to say i have still been reading and thinking about you... i cant believe how well you have done... from moving to your new place and having to sort it all to getting through this xmas/new year time... i have been keeping an eye on the posts but was very busy up until xmas but still came on to read... i am not always confident in replying either but that is getting better and how would you know i was thinking about you if i didnt say something...
i know you dont feel that you are making prgress but you are... and im sure you will continue to do so... we are all so very proud of you...
i hope that in the spring/summer we will finally meet as i intend to make every effort to go to the next meet up whereever it is(i may regret that last bit lol)
well let us know as soon as you hear from the clinic... we are all right behind you karen every step of the way...
take care
rach
*having lost 2lbs since Sunday*[:O]
Karen... please, you know you don't need to do this. Don't feel bad about how well you have been doing. I really hope you hear from the clinic soon. I'm thinking of you, take care.
Tammy x
Hi Karen,
Sorry you didn't sleep well, I know that feeling!
Hopefully you'll hear from the clinic later then.
Karen you really don't need to be losing weight, can you not at least try and maintain, you've made so much progress recently, don't try and lose all the weight again. Losing weight is not moving in the right direction for health, it just means Edie is getting her own way, try not to let her. I know you feel you want to lose it but you don't need to. That's just Edie talking again. If you have gained weight recently it just means you have become healthier and that could even mean less inpatient time at the clinic maybe. If you lose the weight your doctor will not realise how well you've been doing either. Remember that you are trying to get out of the binge/starve cycle. Anyway I'm half asleep and struggling myself today so not sure this makes sense. I hope this doesn't sound too harsh, it's not meant to. I just want to help you see the reality of this, but I know you can't help how you feel right now and I know this is so hard for you.
Anyway I hope you at least manage to eat something today.
Lisa x
Hi Rach
Thank you so much for your message. I also read many threads that I don't actually post on but it does help to know people care. So thank you for writing today.
Keep up gaining confidence in replying. Your posts are always supportive. This helps me and I'm sure others would agree.
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">i hope that in the spring/summer we will finally meet as i intend to make every effort to go to the next meet up whereever it is(i may regret that last bit lol)
<div align="right">Originally posted by bluesparkle - 03 January 2006 : 12:55:19</div id="right">
</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
We'll hold you to that now lol!! Look forward to meeting up soon.
Karen x
Hi Tammy and Lisa. Thanks for your messages.
I am panicking following an email from the clinic. I was only meant to be going for an informal visit tomorrow but now they've arranged the formal assessment for tomorrow instead.
This is going too fast. K was going to write to explain about my attachment issues and to put my case for needing Internet access while I'm there. But she is not back at work yet and busy doing other things so I'm not sure she will even check her messages again today, let alone have any time to prepare anything.
I am absolutely terrified now.
I realise why you are concerned that I'm losing weight but I am sticking to the diet I posted about the other day and am eating. I do need to lose some weight because I've gained too much too fast. I can't cope with the dreadful way I feel being like this.
Your message didn't sound harsh Lisa and I know it is because you care.
There is no way I am going to be able to lose all the weight I have gained before I see my doctor on Friday, so when she weighs me she will still see an increase.
I don't know what to do now. I'm in such a panic and want to postpone tomorrow's clinic appointment. It wasn't supposed to happen like this.
Karen x
Hi ya mate,
Lisa's post said some very sound things in it and I agree with it.
Don't worry too much about the clinic - this is only a visit and things that K would like to support you with have still got time to be sorted out - you haven't even agreed yet when you may go in, so that leaves time to get finer details sorted out.
Please try and maintain honey won't you :)
Love Pig xx
Hi Piglet
Thanks for your reply and reassurances.
However, the visit to the clinic tomorrow is now for a formal assessment in order to discuss treatment and when this starts etc. So I don't have any time to sort anything out. It wasn't supposed to happen this quickly.
Until the situation with contact has been agreed I am not able to do anything because I won't be able to cope without K.
I still need to lose this weight I have gained too [Sigh...]
Karen x
Hi Karen,
I realise how important the attachment thing is to you, and I know you need to sort that with them so that you can deal with it all.
But maybe a formal assessment is all about YOU and additional input from K can be considered as well - she can perhaps write or e-mail the clinic seperately. Can you sort out with the clinic how this can be dealt with?
Please don't be terrified, but surely if you would like K's note in your hands beforehand you can re-arrange for later in the week?
Take Care,
Ray
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance, I hope you dance.
~Mark Sanders and Tia Sillers
Thanks for your suggestions Ray.
After taking advice I have emailed the clinic and said that I would prefer to keep things informal tomorrow and to arrange the assessment for next week because it would be better for them to have K's input first.
I am going to keep the appointment anyway and perhaps meet the lead nurse that will be doing the assessment. I'm very scared but maybe it will help to actually meet them and see what the clinic is like. I know I have to do this if I am ever going to get better.
Just hope that when K does get in touch with them that they take notice of what she says.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Hi Karen,
That sounds very sensible what you've decided regarding the clinic, nothing wrong with that at all. In some ways it will be good to meet them before the formal assessment, at least you will know who you will be speaking to and a bit more about the place itself. It also gives K time to plan what she will write. Well done for sorting it out. I'm glad you realise you do need to do this to get better, very positive.
Good luck tomorrow, will be thinking of you and sending positive vibes your way.
Lisa x
Hi Karen
Just had to come on and say good luck for tomorow, and such a big hug - you have done so well over the last week to keep it together! I know you are going to feel so proud of yourself - do you ever look back over your posts to see how far you have come? It's amazing and everyone you know is so proud of you and has so much respect for you. It's such a battle to get through each day and keep facing new challenges but here we are - we made it through the holiday despite all the downs! I will still be holding your hand tomorrow! I can't tell you how much it means to me to see your success.. even though you can't quite see it yourself!
you have a hell of a future ahead of you! keep the picture of you when you are well, studying, enjoying life in your head - that's what this hard work is all about!
Well done - will be thinking of you xxxxxxxxxxxxx
fee
xx
Thank you Lisa. I have to admit that I didn't calm down about this on my own and had help to be able to look at this in a rational way.
Now I am feeling a little bit calmer about it but still worried about meeting new people and talking, just as much as I am about what they will say.
However, I have managed a bit better on the food front today and have stuck to my fruit diet, eating little and often, and had turkey and tomatoes for tea.
Thanks for thinking of me. I need all the positive vibes I can get to help me through tomorrow I think.
Karen x
Hi Fee
Maybe we both need to be able to see how well we are doing. You are doing so well too with all you have to cope with. I do find it difficult to recognise anything I do as being successful and instead tend to focus on the negatives. It is difficult breaking free of this mindset when it is how I've been taught to think all my life.
How is your finger? Go easy on the typing!
I try to imagine a future when I am free of anorexia and my other problems. It is hard to see past this even though I am trying.
I'll think of you holding my hand when I start to feel anxious or worried tomorrow!
Karen x
Hi Karen,
It doesn't matter that you needed help to calm down, it's good to get help sometimes.
It's natural to be worried about tomorrow, just try and ask any questions you want to, write them down if necessary. I'm sure the people at the clinic will be very friendly.
Well done with the eating today, especially the turkey.
Hope you sleep well tonight and if I don't speak to you before you go tomorrow good luck and I will be thinking of you.
Lisa x
Well, you shouldn't feel you have to make an 'admission' about getting help to get you in the right frame of mind. I think everyone on this forum has had all sorts of help from others to improve their mind sets!
I really hope all goes well tomorrow - what time are you popping in?
Will be thinking of ya.
Ray
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance, I hope you dance.
~Mark Sanders and Tia Sillers
Karen
Well done on looking at this from a rational and objective perspective and having kept the appt to meet informally and start to get to grips with the clinic, its employees and its ethos.
Superb news on the protein today - Hurrah !!
So, all sounding as ok as can be right now.
Thinking of you for tomorrow and sending masses of good vibes .
Have you made your list of questions to ask ?
Meg xxx
Thank you Lisa. I am trying to compile a list of questions now so that I am prepared tomorrow. I will also have a pad and pen with me just in case I panic and freeze when trying to talk.
I hope the lead nurse is as friendly as the deputy manager sounds from her emails. I think I will feel better after I have met the staff and seen the clinic for myself.
Karen x
Ray: I have arranged to be there at 2.30. This gives me time to get up and compose myself a bit if I don't sleep well and mornings are often more difficult for me.
Meg:
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">Have you made your list of questions to ask ?
<div align="right">Originally posted by Meg - 03 January 2006 : 22:41:28</div id="right">
</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
I am compiling quite a list of questions here! I am writing them down as I think of them and will type it out before going to bed tonight.
In my email to the deputy manager, I asked whether I could meet the lead nurse informally rather than having the actual assessment. So I hope she reads my email before I visit tomorrow.
Thank you for the positive vibes. I do need them!!
Karen x
Hi Karen,
The list is definitely a good idea, don't worry how long it is, you should see the lists that I have taken to appointments Lol. The idea of tomorrow is for you to find out all you need to know about the place so ask as many questions as you need to.
I'm sure the lead nurse will be friendly and they will all try and put you at ease.
Do you have far to travel to this clinic?
Remember Fee will be holding your hand and if necessary I can hold the other one, together us three can do it! Not to mention all the positive vibes you have from everyone else that will help.
Hope you sleep well, I'm off to bed now as it's gone quiet next door.
Big hug,
Lisa x
Thank you Lisa. I hope you sleep well and the neighbours remain quiet.
I'm not finding it very easy to switch off tonight which is not really surprising but hopefully my sleeping pill will kick in soon.
The clinic isn't too far to travel and it will only take about 30 minutes to drive there I think.
No doubt I'll be posting here tomorrow before I leave anyway!
Karen x
Good morning,
Just wishing you lots of good vibes today and I can't wait for you to get back and tell us all about it.
Big squeeze.
Love Piglet x
Hi Karen
Just to say I'm thinking of you and sending positive vibes.
(((((((((((((BIG HUG)))))))))))
LOVE JILLXX
Hi Karen,
I hope you managed to get some sleep. Like the others I just wanted to say that I will be thinking of you this afternoon and wishing you well, along with sending lots of positive vibes.
Good luck.
Lisa x
A few more positive <<<vibes>>> for you Karen.
Your home must be overflowing with them now[8D]
Take Care and can't wait to hear from you later today.
Be Strong,
Ray
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance, I hope you dance.
~Mark Sanders and Tia Sillers
Hi all
Thank you so much for the good wishes and positive vibes. I am starting to get anxious now.
I didn't sleep well but this isn't very surprising I suppose and I woke with a migraine. So I am feeling tired and rather under the weather at the moment but I think it is just the worry and stress of this afternoon.
I am so relieved to have received a message from K this morning and she suggested what I could say to the clinic about her involvement and also that she is willing to supply them with an account of my issues. I have copied the relevant part of her message to take with me to hand to them as it will be easier than trying to explain.
The fact that she is willing to fill them in on my situation is really helpful too because I have been trying to write out a history and to summarise my current problems, but it is all so complicated that I just get in a muddle and it gets too long and probably full of irrelevant details.
I'll be back later to let you know how it goes. Thank you again for all the support.
Karen x
hi karen, well done, good luck .. take care andrew
bluesparkle
04-01-06, 16:23
hi karen
just wanted to say ive been thinking of you especially this afternoon hope it all went ok...
rach
The visit didn’t go exactly as planned as I ended up having the formal assessment with the lead nurse, which I thought had been postponed. She was friendly and tried to put me at ease, after telling me I looked ‘scared to death’. I was extremely anxious.
She explained about the treatment regimes and funding and told me the PCT have funded day care only, so it looks like I won’t have to go for inpatient treatment. But I know K, Jill and my doctor all believe I need to be there full time initially. This I suppose is possibly true because I became very distressed when she started asking me about food – what I’ve been eating, how much and when. The day clinic regime includes a mid morning snack, lunch and a mid afternoon snack and although she said no one is going to force me to eat, it is assumed that by going there I want to recover and this is part of the treatment. I am on very unsteady ground at present and am concerned that I’ll starve myself when at home to make up for the calories and food I have to consume while at the clinic.
It also isn’t clear exactly what the PCT are funding. I was told funding is usually by number of sessions – either 6, 12 or 20 but the clinic haven’t received this information. She also told me that funding is conditional on signs of recovery, which the PCT measure by monitoring BMI. So this is extra pressure to gain weight.
Intensive therapy is on Mondays, Tuesdays, Thursdays and Fridays from 10.30 to 4.30. It is possible to attend on Wednesdays too but apparently most patients have a day off mid week and there was no one there today. I think four days is going to be more than enough anyway.
I thought I was coping OK through most of the assessment in the circumstances but I was close to crying when she was asking me about food and what I eat. I couldn’t let down my defences or show that I was upset. I clammed up and wasn’t able to answer her questions.
I do wish I’d had someone with me because I now am not able to remember a lot of the details of treatments etc because I was so anxious and didn’t take it in.
So now I have to go on Monday to start treatment and I am really scared. She said how I use my allotted funded sessions is up to me, but most patients attend Monday, Tuesday, Thursday and Friday between 10.30 and 4.30 to start with. This is a happening too fast and K hasn’t had a chance to be in touch with them yet.
The staff seemed nice and friendly and I know I do need some professional treatment but it feels out of my control and I am very scared. I’d feel happier if K was involved and I don’t know if she will be able to do anything before Monday.
Karen x
Hi Karen
I am pleased today went well for you. It sounds like there is a lot of positive support there for you and hope it really helps you.
I can appreciate your fear of ruining all the good work you do during the day by starving yourself at night, but why dont you just see how it goes to start with and not be so hard judging yourself before the treatment even begins.
Love Sal xx
Dont mess up the best things in your life, just because at present you are unsure who you are.
"Life is a distance and to travel that distance you were given the strength and guidance to do so".
superfran23
04-01-06, 18:44
i haven't responded to this topic before, but i felt like it after your last post karen.
do you realise by surviving today which was actually the hardest day, is so good for you. you should be so proud of yourself.
it sounds like a well organised clinic.
please keep us all updated as you have a large amount of support behind you from this site and never forget that.
good luck for monday and i send you a big hug, well done love!
fran x
Hi Karen well done for going, and admitting your worries on here, everybody is with you but you know this, you are doing well Karen.
i hope your migraine has eased off a bit now. take care, thinking of you.xxxxxxxxx
love from Alexisxx
If I help one person today it was worth getting up.
Thank you for replying.
Sal: I know myself and the way this anorexia works too well to deny the thoughts I am having of avoiding gaining weight. I hope treatment does help with this but right now I already feel like I am so overweight and I want to lose weight again.
Fran: Thank you for your message. I wouldn't be able to get through this without K and the support from my friends here and on my other forum.
How will I cope when I am not able to log on during the day?
Alexis: Thank you. I am doing my best to view this as a positive step and not to dismiss anything before I've at least tried to give it a go.
I am frightened though and just hope K might be able to be in touch with them before Monday.
My painkillers have helped with my migraine thanks and now I just have a headache and feel very tired.
Karen x
hi Karen,
wow - so much has been happening since I last checked in.. but you seem like you are doing so well despite the high anxiety you are going through with the clinic. I am so glad you have gone, and I am sure K will be able to get in touch with them before monday if she needs to.
This could be such a positive thing for you and I know how tough anticipation can be.. I've kind of blocked out uni in my head as it makes me so anxious, although i know I have to go. It will make me feel so great once i've got over the first day and I think it will be the same for you - to get into a routine of it.
We will all be thinking of you through this and having everything crossed that it all goes well.
hugs,
lisa
xxx
"do not fear to hope...Each time we smell the autumn's dying scent, we know that primrose time will come again"
Thank you Lisa.
I realise you have been feeling anxious about returning to uni and I try to block things out too. I think it is probably more helpful to try to prepare but then I still don't really know what it is going to be like.
I'm want to see this as a positive step although it feels like my life is being taken over and I won't have any choice or be able to do what I want on a daily basis any longer.
Karen x
You have been so brave today and again how proud of you am I:D
I totally understand how you would have liked someone with you - I think this is a very valid point because I would have been like you, way too much to take it all in at first glance.
They do sound lovely though and how nice to be able to attend 4 days out of 7 then and be home in the evenings - if you worked hun it would be like this wouldn't it.
Anyway I'll be here waiting here for you to get in and will ask "had a good day at the office dear" every day!!!:D
I think this is a super chance to get some knowledgable help to support you in your recovery.
Go for it hun - we are all with you:D:D:D
Love Piglet - with one of my supergantic squeezes that are always very impressive!!
Hi Piglet
Thanks for the supergigantic squeeze!
It was a lot to take in all at once particularly while trying to control my anxiety. It is difficult to concentrate on what is being said, or at least to retain the information.
Guess it is true that I wouldn't be able to be on the Internet all the time if I was working but then I don't see how I could cope with working either. I can hardly keep my eyes open tonight I am so tired and I've not really done anything apart from go to this appointment today.
4 days out of 7 is better than being there all the time and at least I can still keep in contact with K this way. I also realise though that it gives me 3 days to undo the effects of eating at the clinic, which isn't really the idea of treatment. I am just being realistic and know I am going to struggle to resist the temptation to do this.
Karen x
Hi Nigel
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">Welcome to the real world Karen ;). I wish I only had to do 6 hrs 4 days a week! Seriously though, you do have 3 whole days to yourself, plus early morning and evening on the other days in which to chat to us all.</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
I know other people work and can't be on here all the time. I'm going to be more anxious and obsessive about K though knowing that I can't check. All I will be thinking about is getting home so I can check that she is safe and well.
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">Doesn’t K tend to write early or late anyway? Perhaps she’d agree to wait until evening during this period so that you know there isn’t a message waiting whilst you’re out.</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
I never really know when she will write. It does tend to be early morning at weekends or when she's not working and in the evening when she's at work. However, I don't think she will agree to write at a certain time, as she says she cannot guarantee when she can write. Hearing from her is more important than when but I will be thinking about it all day.
Maybe it is because I am tired but I am finding it hard to continue thinking positively about treatment now [Sigh...]
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Hey, I think it's fab what you have done today!
I think its a natural reaction to get in a bit of a tizz with the K thing and the what ifs, but I think Nigel and others have made some very valid points.
Yes, you'll have that opportunity to be in contact with K on a daily basis and get this valuable and necessary treatment under way.
Maybe the anticipation of it may get to you over the rest of this week, so perhaps you could get a strategy together on mind-diversionary tactics, maybe jobs that you would otherwise do when at the clinic?
Remember that the people at the clinic deal with people like yourself every day and will may have more of an inclin on how you feel than you realise.
Just think of this project as one enormous <<POSITIVE VIBE>>
Be Strong,
Ray
P.S. Piglet - will you be handing Karen her umbrella in the hallway and waving her goodbye every morning? ;)
Ray
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance, I hope you dance.
~Mark Sanders and Tia Sillers
Thank you for your reply Ray.
I am not sure they do entirely understand my issues, and in fact I know they don't at the moment because the only problems that were mentioned were anorexia and social phobia.
I haven't even started going there yet and I already want my life back.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Hi Karen,
Well done for going today, you did so well to cope with the shock of it being a formal assessment. I think it's a positive step that some treatment will be starting soon but do understand your fears and concerns too. In some ways though this is the best possible outcome as you are not an inpatient and will still have contact with everyone. I'm sure K can contact them before Monday or at least email you a letter to take with you or something maybe. Anyway well done and we'll all be behind you all the way. Sorry this is short, I'm so tired I can't really think straight tonight.
Hope you sleep better tonight,
Lisa x
Thanks for replying Lisa. I do appreciate it. I'm also very tired.
I can't stop thinking about this now though and am getting more worried and scared.
It is better than inpatient because I can be at home at night but whether this will be such effective treatment remains to be seen. There is a lot of emphasis placed on wanting to eat and get better and although I do want to get better, I am not doing so well on the wanting to eat bit.
The group therapy rooms at the clinic are small and the day clinic is not just for people with eating disorders. It is going to be so hard being expected to eat and not having any control over what food I have to eat.
I'll rush home in order to get on the internet so I can make sure K is ok and then spend all night on here writing messages, which I know will allow me to avoid eating. I'm not sure how helpful this is going to be.
Karen x
Karen
I am here to support you and you know you can text me
Here for you whatever you need
Love Sal xx
Dont mess up the best things in your life, just because at present you are unsure who you are.
"Life is a distance and to travel that distance you were given the strength and guidance to do so".
Morning mate,
How's things today.
Just reading yesterdays posts I think I wouldn't ask too much of yourself other than to just go in with an open mind :D to give it a chance.[Yeah!]
You know you have our full support all the way :)
Love Piglet xx
"Supposing a tree fell down, Pooh, when we were underneath it?" said Piglet.
"Supposing it didn't," said Pooh after careful thought.
Hi Piglet
Thanks for your message. I was trying to be positive about going there and getting treatment, particularly because K has done so much to secure this opportunity and I know everyone wants me to go.
But now I just feel like I can't do it and I didn't do very well yesterday so I let her and others down anyway. She's not written this morning so she must be disappointed in me and I have let her down.
I hardly slept again last night and just want to go back to bed and stay there all day. Sorry. Am so totally distraught this morning.
Karen x
Aww hun - special hug coming up[:O]:D
Its probably been a lot to take in all at once - don't be hard on yourself.
Just remember nothing horrible is gonna happen - the clinic only want to help.:)
What is it that is at the core of this - is it anything we can help reassure you a bit on. Is it the whole thing that's daunting or is it one specific issue that's troubling you.
If it's the eating with the others or similiar don't forget they are not expecting miracles otherwise you wouldn't need their help in the first place would you.
You need a few friendly reassuring hugs today to help you know YOU CAN DO THIS!!!
Lots of love Piglet xx
Hi Karen,
Big hugs from me too. Sorry you're feeling so bad, it's quite natural with all that's going on really.
You'll probably feel better about the clinic once you have got the first day or two over with and know exactly what to expect. I know it will be hard but if anyone can do this you can.
You won't have upset K, she was probably just busy this morning. She will be proud of you not upset, she will know how hard all this is for you too.
Sorry this is short, I have to go and get ready for a visit from the ME people, but just wanted to say I am thinking of you.
Lisa x
Thank you so much Piglet and Lisa. I don't know where I'd be without your support.
I've been in bed most of the day, in between checking for K [Duh!] I have only just got up properly and had a bath but can't even both getting dressed.
The whole situation felt like it was running away from me and getting too much. After months of trying to find local help it seemed so rushed and I haven't had time to get my head around it. It is particularly hard after the bingeing over the Christmas period and the terrible way I'm feeling about having gained weight anyway.
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">What is it that is at the core of this - is it anything we can help reassure you a bit on. Is it the whole thing that's daunting or is it one specific issue that's troubling you.</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
Think it is a combination of things and generally feeling overwhelmed. I have been feeling like I don't have any control anymore and as a big part of anorexia is about a need to be in control by restricting food or losing weight etc, this really hasn't helped.
So, after some good advice from Meg - thank you so much Meg - I have emailed the clinic to postpone starting treatment. I really do need K's input for them to have all of the information from her and for her to be involved in my treatment plan. And I would like this in place before I actually start any treatment.
Monday is too soon and it isn't fair on K to expect her to be able to get in contact with them by then. She is busy with family matters I think.
I'm still worried that she might be disappointed with the way I handled the situation, because she was online last night but I know I am not her number one priority, even though I wish I could be that close to her.
Today I am panicking that she is not safe because she's not been around and the anxiety about the clinic and everything else makes my obsession worse.
One thing I feel slightly better about is that I have lost another 2lbs, so I'm heading back in the right direction with this fruit and turkey food plan. I keep watching all the diet programmes on TV though, which I guess isn't very healthy for me but I can't resist. There is so much focus on losing weight at this time of year.
Lisa - No need to apologise for not having time to write much. I appreciate you taking time to say you're thinking of me.
Piglet - How are you? Thanks for the hug.
Karen x
This situation keeps getting more complicated by the minute. I received an email back from the clinic informing me that my funding only runs from 3-12 January and so a delay in starting treatment means the funding will have lapsed.
I am also very anxious and upset because I thought I'd received a message from K but other people are messaging me. So each time I get my hopes up only to find it isn't from K after all.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Oh, this is getting a bit complicated.
Do those funding dates relate to a range of dates when the treatment can start? Or haven't they made that clear?
I really hope something can be sorted out soon - I'm sure K and Meg are better qualified to make a judgement on this than me.
Going back to my earlier point yesterday, I know the clinic won't know ALL about you or anybody else, but there will probably be aspects of your needs that they have encountered before amongst various other people.
Thinking of you,
Ray
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance, I hope you dance.
~Mark Sanders and Tia Sillers
Hi Ray
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">Do those funding dates relate to a range of dates when the treatment can start? Or haven't they made that clear?
<div align="right">Originally posted by clickaway - 05 January 2006 : 17:58:54</div id="right">
</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
These are the dates between which they will fund treatment. The clinic told me funding has been approved until 12 January.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
I don't know what to do now.
I'm missing K and worried about her. And now even Jac is upset with me and said if I don't start on Monday I am wasting an opportunity after everything K and my doctor have done for me.
There is no way I can go until they've had K's input.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Hi Karen,
I'm not really sure what to say just wanted to let you know I am thinking of you and sending you some positive vibes to help you through this tough decision.
Whatever you decide should be for you, no-one else.
If you know it is the best thing for you then go for it. If you think it's not possible at this time then speak to them and see if they can change those dates to give you longer to think about it.
Take care.
Tammy x
Hi Nigel
I don't know what is going on with the PCT and funding. They are the ones that decide what they will fund and it seems they've set this time limit for some reason. It isn't really anything to do with the clinic.
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">It would make more sense if they actually meant that treatment had to begin some when between 3-12. That would give another week to get things sorted.</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
Possibly but this isn't what they mean. It definitely says funding for treatment until the 12th.
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">I feel it would be best to try not to second-guess what the outcome might be for now, and just to keep an open mind about everything at the moment. This can still all work out well Karen.</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
I don't see how now. This appears to be another dead end and even if I did feel able to start on Monday, there is little point in going for 3 days and then stopping again when funding stops.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Thank you Tammy.
Monday is too soon and I feel I am being rushed, particularly when there are still too many things to be sorted out with them.
I give up. Seems I'll just have to manage the way I have up until now.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Hi Karen,
Well, if they are saying they are only funding three days, I think someone there must have made some mistake (to put it mildly).
Maybe they fund places at the clinic in two week blocks?
But there's no use worrying about that tonight, as we can't get an answer till tomorrow.
Hopefully, K is drafting out a note as we speak.
Take Care,
Ray
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance, I hope you dance.
~Mark Sanders and Tia Sillers
Hi Ray
Funding was originally for 6 days when you take off weekends and Wednesdays when no therapy sessions are held. But I hadn't even visited the clinic before yesterday and the time frame is too rushed.
I can't handle the extra stress of all of this and have had enough. Nothing is ever straight forward.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Hi Karen,
Sorry to hear things are not going to plan, must be very stressful for you. Maybe you could go on Monday and just see how it goes, maybe K will write something over the weekend and email it to you to take in or maybe she can email them. Could your gp phone them and speak to them on your behalf about all these issues like the funding dates etc?
Are they really only funding you for a total of 6 days total treatment at the clinic? Do they think 6 days treatment is all you need to get better or are you just supposed to carry on what they have taught you after 6 days. It does all sound a bit confusing.
Maybe you can try and sort it all out tomorrow somehow.
If the only option is to start next week then it would be worth giving it a go, I'm sure K will be able to contact them somehow.
Jac isn't upset with you, she probably just wants to see you get the help you need.
Anyway as always I'm thinking of you. I really hope you get some sleep tonight.
Lisa x
Hi Lisa
I don't think I can think clearly about this anymore. However, I do know Monday is too soon and it is happening too quickly. I'm feeling rushed and need things to slow down.
My doctor probably doesn't have anymore information than the clinic have given me. She might now even know about the funding restrictions..
I honestly don't know what the PCT are funding now but it does work out to 6 days which is in line with what the nurse said yesterday about some people only being funded for 6 sessions. I suppose because it is a day unit each day is considered one session. I think it is then reviewed after that but has to go back to the funding panel and 6 days treatment over a period of 2 weeks isn't going to make a lot of difference to me. She said the PCT would want to see progress in the form of an increase in BMI and I am actively losing weight rather than wanting to gain.
Thanks for your support. I am not able to sleep again.
Karen x
Sue K with 5
06-01-06, 02:02
Hi ya Karen !
I am assuming from what I have read soo far yoru going into therapy for the anorexia ! Wow thats progress mate ! and like Piglet said you should rename this thread progress!
That such good news. I am sorry I have not replied in a while but you know what its like ! blips can hit you anytime !
Honey one thing ! Size 18 does not mean fat it means you have big boobs ! trust me I know I have a size 14 waist! and an 18 top
You know that the clinic will not think your fat they will be well aware of the situation! so dont worry too much they will be in contact!
How did the moving going ??? and how is K ?????? listen you take care and I will follow up tomorrow
ok
Hugs and kisses
Sue with 5
scknight
Hi hun,
I do hope you managed some sleep after all.
Gosh I admit I'm confused with the funding thing - I do think this would be worth telling your doctor about, keeping her informed at all stages is good.
I'm not sure how funding for just 6 sessions is beneficial unless its more along the lines of they keep renewing it at the end of the 6 sessions for the next 6 or something.
Does Meg know anything about this sort of thing.
Big squeeze.
Love Piglet xx
Hi Sue
Thanks for your message. How are you? I hope you are doing ok despite the blip.
Yes I will be starting treatment for my anorexia but is has become rather complicated due to funding and start dates etc, so I am not sure what is happening to be honest.
K is fine, although I was concerned when she was not too well over Christmas. She continues to be a fantastic support to me.
The move went fine thanks and I am settled now.
I am not worried about the clinic thinking I am fat. It is how I feel about it myself. I need the control of food and weight to be able to deal with life.
Take care and thanks for your support.
Karen x
Hi Piglet
How are you this morning?
I didn't sleep much and what sleep I did get was broken by vivid dreams. So I have woken with a headache this morning and feel just as tired as when I went to bed.
The funding situation is confusing and I can't think about it any longer because it's doing my head in to be honest. I think it is reviewed at the end of the approved sessions but the issue here is the timescale they've placed on these sessions. Just how they expect to be able to assess whether the treatment is beneficial and whether I am making progress in the space of a week I don't know.
I have an appointment with my doctor this afternoon anyway so I'll mention it but I doubt she knows any more then I do. I'm dreading the appointment anyway because I don't want to be weighed. I haven't been able to eat anything as I already feel so fat and hadn't lost anymore weight when I got on the scales this morning.
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">Does Meg know anything about this sort of thing.</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
I don't know.
K has been in touch and emailed the clinic to find out the best way to contact the nurse so she can provide some input. She has also asked if the start date can be postponed but yesterday the clinic said their hands are tied and funding is not under their control.
Just seems like this is not meant to be.
Karen x
My heart goes out to you, Karen, as I really hope you can make this clinic - I think it can be so important to your success.
I know you are so concerned about it being too rushed, but won't waiting just make you stew for longer?
I'm just wishing that maybe you can get in a frame of mind to accept that, but I know you seem to be totally unhappy with going in so early.
I hope you'll be discussing your concerns with the GP - maybe she can help too.
Take Care,
Ray
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance, I hope you dance.
~Mark Sanders and Tia Sillers
Hi Ray
Thank you for your post.
I don't want to miss this chance of help either but it is just the way it is happening that is making me panic and feel I've got no control again.
The main worry I have is that there has not been time for K to become fully involved or give her input and this seems unlikely to happen before Monday.
I also feel pressured by the timescale issue now. It seems that weight gain and an increase of my BMI is how the PCT measure progress and because funding was only granted until 12th they are expecting this to happen quickly. I have already gained far too much weight too quickly, which is what has led to the setback I've had over the past week or so.
I'm feeling completely overwhelmed right now.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Will check in again later to see how you got on at the docs.
Don't forget you can always text me anytime too:D
Love Pig xx
"Supposing a tree fell down, Pooh, when we were underneath it?" said Piglet.
"Supposing it didn't," said Pooh after careful thought.
Hi Piglet
Not much news from my doctor. In fact she had less information than I've got, so not much help there.
I had also emailed the clinic again this morning to see if I could find out anything else about the funding issue but they've not replied. K said she would be in touch when she hears back from them and as I've not heard from her again I take it she's not had a reply either.
Doesn't seem likely I will be starting on Monday now.
Thanks for the text offer too.
Karen x
Sue K with 5
06-01-06, 17:50
Hi Honey !
Remember that old saying no news is good news! Well maybe you should try and think like that. This could mean they are trying to work around your needs and are taking their time so that they can give you the best support their. I dont know much about how these things work but it will happen for you! Have faith!
I am glad to see Piglet and Ray are with you on this they are a great source of support and good friends too! we all need each other to lean on at times like this so use the support. We are always here and like Piglet said you can always PM or text
Take care for now will look in over the weekend
Love
Sue with 5
scknight
Hi Karen,
Sorry you're still not sure what's happening, hopefully it will be sorted out soon. It's good that K is trying to get things sorted out.
I am thinking of you, take care,
Lisa x
Well not much further on then are we!!!
What will you do hun then, about Monday??
Big hug.
Piglet xx
Hi Guys
Thanks for your messages.
I am not sure what is happening but it seems extremely unlikely that I will be starting treatment on Monday now. K was waiting to hear back from Annie and my email hasn't received a response either.
There is no time to sort everything out for Monday so I suppose it means waiting until next week now to find out what is going on.
At the moment I just wish I could get some proper sleep as I am so tired. I have no energy and don't know even how I managed to get to see my doctor today. I felt half asleep while I was there. I don't know why I am feeling so bad really.
Looks like I'm in for another year of bad luck as I am too tired to take the Christmas tree and decorations down tonight! Think they'll have to wait until tomorrow now.
Karen x
Hi Karen,
No, you are not in for another year of bad luck - it's only January 6 after all!
I would just say the year hasn't started well for you and there's so much scope for improvement:D
I'm sure K will be in touch with you over the weekend and I'm sure you can resurrect this in some way - it clearly has not been handled very well and if next week is not a starter, I'm sure you'll get another chance soon. They obviously do not understand your circumstances.
Meanwhile you have us here.:D[8D]:D
And well done in having a tree up - you managed more than me this year, but my Christmas Cards only took 60 seconds to take down:D
Take Care,
Ray
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance, I hope you dance.
~Mark Sanders and Tia Sillers
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">And well done in having a tree up - you managed more than me this year, but my Christmas Cards only took 60 seconds to take down:D</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
LOL Ray!:D I was half joking about another year of bad luck as my decorations will still be up after the 12th night. Maybe I could just leave them there and pretend I am early for this year!
However, it hasn't been a promising start to the year so far and so I hope things do improve.
I too am sure K will be in touch over the weekend. She has already written to me this morning and so I know would only have written again today had she received a reply from the clinic. She has been online as she read the message I sent her earlier.
The situation does need to be resolved before I go to the clinic and I hope this can still happen if the funding issue can be sorted out. K said it isn't fair to tie me to specific dates at such short notice. It seems to be the PCT who have made a mess of this really. They are the ones who imposed such strict time limits.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Hi Karen,
Still thinking of you, I hope you manage to get some sleep tonight and over the weekend. Sorry I can't offer much constructive help with the current situation but I really do hope it gets sorted out as this must all be really hard for you.
Well done on making it to the doctors today.
You did better than me in putting a tree up too, I didn't bother this year lol.
Big hug,
Lisa x
Hi Nigel
After initially reacting in a completely negative way to what's been said and taking it as personal criticism, I am trying to see past my negative interpretation and find something positive to say. I have to admit I feel worse after receiving criticism on my other forum.
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">I can’t help feeling that you’re viewing this situation through a very tinted filter ;)</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
Possibly and I completely admit my tendency to only focus on the negatives and to catastrophise about situations. However, for treatment to be helpful I need to feel like I retain some control of what is happening to me and the way my programme for treatment is developed. At the moment I don't feel like I have that control because it is so difficult for me to communicate my thoughts and needs. For the staff at the clinic to help me they need to be able to understand all my issues and what my current situation is. For this to happen I need K's input and this has not been able to take place yet.
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">Even if you go on Monday, you can choose to leave at any time you like.</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
But I don't want to mess up and there is no point in starting before everything is sorted. A failed attempt now will make things worse and I would rather wait until the situation is sorted out properly to have to best chance of making the most of this opportunity.
Once there I would feel trapped even if I am officially free to leave. I tend to just freeze in situations in which I panic and would not be able to say that I am not coping and need to leave.
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">In fact, do you think it could help to have a good think about just how much control you do actually have in your life right now? It doesn’t need to be anything big but could you make a list of as many as you can find?</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
Although I agree I do have control over what I do day to day at present, I wouldn't have this freedom once I start at the clinic. However, the main point is that the need for control at present relates directly to needing to retain some control in relation to my anorexia and this includes what treatment I have and when etc. Other day to day things like choosing when to get up or go out don't make much difference but I feel I will even be losing the chance to make these decisions for myself once I start at the clinic.
The big issues in my life are the ones I feel I have no control over.
I think I'd better just shut up actually as I'm just getting more upset the more I focus on this. I feel like I am letting everyone down if I don't go on Monday, even though I am not saying I will not go for treatment. I would just like to not feel so pressure to have to start on Monday or before I am happy that K is involved because I trust her and I'm afraid I need her.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Thank you Lisa. Your support means a lot and is helping. I really appreciate your friendship and support.
I almost didn't bother putting the tree up either! I just thought it might help to cheer me up a bit.
Karen x
Hi Karen,
I really appreciate your friendship and support too :D
Hope you sleep well,
Nighty night,
Lisa x
Still can't sleep.
I am panicking about K, about the clinic, about my weight gain and worrying about people and also that I'm hurting K and letting her down.
But I can't help feeling bad that I've eaten today. I am so fat and desperately need to lose this weight. I'm sitting up watching the movie about Karen Carpenter again for inspiration. I want and need to be that thin. I can't help it.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Have given up trying to sleep as even the sleeping pills are not helping. I can't do anything but sit here watching this video over and over again. Edie wants me to be like her. The film starts at the end where she has collapsed and she's being wheeled along on a hostpital trolley, but her young self (before she became ill) is rollerskating alongside her and this song is playing:
The End Of The World
Why does the sun go on shining?
Why does the sea rush to shore?
Don't they know it's the end of the world
'Cause you don't love me anymore?
Why do the birds go on singing?
Why do the stars glow above?
Don't they know it's the end of the world
It ended when I lost your love
I wake up in the morning and I wonder
Why everything is the same as it was
I can't understand, no, I can't understand
How life goes on the way it does!
Why does my heart go on beating?
Why do these eyes of mine cry?
Don't they know it's the end of the world?
It ended when you said goodbye
Don't they know It's the end of the world?
It ended when you said goodbye[/b]
Edie wants me to do better and be a better anorexic. At the moment I am too fat again and I am eating too much. Edie is the one who is successful. I am the part of me who fails.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Morning petal,
Nigel had loads of good stuff to say there and it made me think about the control I have in my life too in a more posititve way - thanks Nigel hun (clever sod) ;)
Do you think you may be feeling this low in energy etc because you aren't eating very well again????
You are not letting anyone down - whatever you decide we will still all be here. We all just want the very best for you :)
Big hug.
Love Piglet xxx
"Supposing a tree fell down, Pooh, when we were underneath it?" said Piglet.
"Supposing it didn't," said Pooh after careful thought.
Hi Piglet
Thanks for that. I've had some message that have caused me to feel guilty and bad about myself for not starting on Monday.
K didn't receive a reply yesterday so I don't know what's happening now. I don't think I can worry about it anymore. I am just taking it that I am not starting Monday and maybe the funding date can be revised or something. I don't know how it works.
I had been blaming myself for not being able to ring them initially and sort out the assessment earlier, but then with Christmas the people I had to see were not there anyway.
Have been eating but not so much as before and I've been so distressed by all of this on top of the weight upset that I took half a packet of laxatives last night. Therefore I am not feeling my best but it's entirely self-inflicted.
I have been awake all night too because my sleeping pills don't appear to be helping anymore. I think it is related to eating because they seem more effective when I've not eaten anything.
So feeling rather sorry for myself this morning but it's all my own fault :(.
How are you today?
Karen x
I am sure K is not happy with me this morning now either. I don't want to go through another day like this.
So I'm thinking of taking another sleeping pill and hope that wll knock me out.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Hannahlou84
07-01-06, 12:54
I am sure K is not unhappy with you-- and is pleased that you are doing the best you can in the circumstances.
I think in some ways you need to accept that you need to let go, I know it's hard, and I can't do it right now either, but knowing that you need to is (hopefully) some way towards it... and I don't think you are looking at it like this. Would your hypnotherapist see you in between now and things being sorted? Maybe help make things seem a bit more positive?
Hi Hannah
If you mean let go of K then I cannot do that. K is the reason I am going for treatment in the first place. I am not able to do it for me.
My therapist is away on holiday at the moment so I can't see her unfortunately.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Hannahlou84
07-01-06, 13:21
That's a shame your therapist is away.
Lord no, I didn't mean let go of K (and certainly not completely!) More your ideas, (and not completely), just slightly... it will be hard, but it would only need to be slight for a way forward to emerge.
Perhaps, even though you know, and I know that you are only gettting better for K, perhaps you could focus on having a period of time each day when you don't let yourself think that. Tell yourself (even if you don't believe it) that you are doing this for you, that you are a worthwhile person, and perhaps remind yourself of all the positive things others remind you they can see in you? It can't be worse than wallowing... that's what I am trying to do atm anyway. x
I think as dwelling on the clinic thing etc isn't going to change matters, I would put this on a back burner in your head for the next couple of days!!
Resolve to only be in the present moment for now - this is what I do if I am fretting on anything like a medical appt or parents evening etc. I have to say I have got rather good at it too. I now don't have too much in the way of stress beforehand - I just have a mega panic on the day instead lol!!!
Try and maintain some sort of food intake though hun if you can, as this is what's making you feel so lousy. Even though I know you are thinking the eopposite but that is Edie's thinking not yours.
Here if you need me.
Piglet xx
Thanks Hannah and Piglet.
I know getting worked up about the clinic doesn't help and in a way I am not really feeling bad about that. I know it won't be happening on Monday now and so there's no point worrying about it. By the time they get round to replying to K and if she then is still planning to write to the clinic I think the best part of another week could pass.
If funding runs out in the meantime I don't know what happens then but maybe the clinic can help with that or I might need to ask my doctor.
What I am so distressed about now is the fact that I am sure I have made such a fuss about this that even K is losing patience. And there are others who have not been very impressed that I didn't jump at the chance straight away instead of panicking about not having K's involvement beforehand.
Now I am making things worse and probably making some people even less impressed with me by wanting to starve and because I used laxatives again last night. I'm so tempted by diet pills too today. Edie is such a big part of me and she wants me back to the weight I was at a while ago and doesn't care how I get there.
Karen x
Don't know what to do this afternoon. I am so tired having had no sleep last night and hardly any for most of this week [|)] I don't want to be awake because I can't stop thinking and I am now watching the film again. I'll know it word for word at this rate, I guess I'm rather obsessed with it at present [Sigh...]
I thought about taking another sleeping pill which would hopefully knock me out for a few hours but then it's only just over 12 hours since I took the last one. The medication doesn't seem to be working anymore.
Need to do some sort of exercise to burn off the calories and this fat but it is too cold and miserable to go out. Think I might have to get an exercise bike to help me lose weight.
Edie's goal is for me to be like her. After all, the actress in the film is obviously pretty skinny and wore padding at the beginning so it is fine and a good thing to have clearly prominent bones. I have to do what I can to get back to that.
I'm thinking about K and am so worried she is fed up with me when I can only keep going for her :(
I Won't Last A Day Without You
Day after day I must face a world of strangers
Where I don't belong, I'm not that strong
It's nice to know that there's someone I can turn to
Who will always care, you're always there
When there's no getting over that rainbow
When my smallest of dreams won't come true
I can take all the madness the world has to give
But I won't last a day without you
So many times when the city seems to be without a friendly face
A lonely place
It's nice to know that you'll be there if I need you
And you'll always smile, it's all worthwhile
When there's no getting over that rainbow
When my smallest of dreams won't come true
I can take all the madness the world has to give
But I won't last a day without you
Touch me and I end up singing
Troubles seem to up and disappear
You touch me with the love you're bringing
I can't really lose when you're near
If all my friends have forgotten half their promises
They're not unkind, just hard to find
One look at you and I know that I could learn to live
Without the rest, I found the best
When there's no getting over that rainbow
When my smallest of dreams won't come true
I can take all the madness the world has to give
But I won't last a day without you
When there's no getting over that rainbow
When my smallest of dreams won't come true
I can take all the madness the world has to give
But I won't last a day without you
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Hi Karen,
Sorry you haven't slept and are still having a bad time. Firstly I'm sure K isn't upset, didn't she even agree this was all happening too quick? She also knows that her input is important to you, as the attachment issue is part of the problem you need help with it makes sense for the clinic to be aware of it. You could of course go along on Monday and start getting help for the anorexia but I agree that the underlying issues need to be resolved in order for the treatment to be a complete success.
I'm sure if people are getting annoyed with you for not going on Monday (I'm not for one) then it is only because they care and they so badly want to see you get the help you need.
Karen please stop watching the Karen Carpenter video, better still get rid of it! Sorry I know that is harsh but this is really not helping you at all. What would you say if I kept finding things to watch like videos of heart problems. I know it's not quite the same but it's not helpful. You do not need to aspire to be like Karen Carpenter, when she is so thin in that film she is very sick and eventually she dies, that is not what you should be aiming for at all. It is not good to have prominent bones at all, it is not healthy or natural. You do not need to buy an exercise bike either, you poor body probably wouldn't even have the energy for that much exercise. Please throw away the laxatives and stop watching the video, try and realise this is Edie talking and as always she is lying to you. I know things must be hard for you right now and lack of sleep doesn't help you see clearly at all but please just try and do something that distracts you from thinking about all this or your weight if you can.
Sorry if all that sounds harsh Karen, please know that it's only because I care and want to help you so much. I feel so helpless when I hear you talking like this and just want to help you through it.
Big hug,
Lisa x
Hi Lisa
Yes, K did agree it is all happening too fast but I think maybe everyone has had enough of me panicking about it now, including K. She has this banned list of words and phrases I'm not allowed to put in my messages or she won't answer them and has added to it this morning. So I think she thinks I am overreacting now.
I know people post out of concern but some of what's been said (not here) has upset me as I have been doing my best to view this treatment in a positive way, but the way it is happening is what has thrown me so much.
Sorry, I guess everyone is also fed up hearing about the Karen Carpenter film too. I don't suppose it is very healthy really and K said I should get rid of it but I identify so much with her distress as she struggled with the illness.
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">You do not need to aspire to be like Karen Carpenter, when she is so thin in that film she is very sick and eventually she dies, that is not what you should be aiming for at all. It is not good to have prominent bones at all, it is not healthy or natural.</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">I know she died in real life but the actress they showed was thin too and I can't help comparing and feel so fat. I used to be like that and can't help wanting to be like that again, even if it is Edie really and a part of an illness.
I did get rid of the laxatives I had left this morning as K wanted but the progblem is each time I get in a state and start despairing about my weight, I just go out and buy more. I take a greater number of tablets each time.
Still think I need some exercise and am still thinking of ways to do this at home. I am very scared I'll gain loads of weight when I do start at the clinic and have to eat whatever they give me.
Your message was not harsh at all and I realise it is because you care.
The one positive today is that I have eaten today, even if it's not as much as people would like me to be eating. It is especially difficult when I've made myself ill from taking laxatives [xx(]. So I've just had a couple of crispbreads with Marmite.
Karen x
I do agree with Lisa hun.
Its not good to deliberately bait ourselves with this sort of information, it's encouraging the problem to persist.
There are so many other ways to take control of your life - this just isn't the one!!!
You need healthy distraction at this point - is it at all poss to go over and visit Jac at the moment???
Love Pig xx
"Supposing a tree fell down, Pooh, when we were underneath it?" said Piglet.
"Supposing it didn't," said Pooh after careful thought.
Hannahlou84
07-01-06, 17:14
K won't be thinking you are overreacting- she knows what you're going through...she will be banning the words to ensure that you don't wind yourself up more, and try and get you to focus positively. I hope you get some sleep and are feeling a little better,x
Thanks Hannah. I wouldn't blame K if I am driving her round the bend with the way I am carrying on. She is so patient and never actually gets cross with me - maybe exasperated at times.
Piglet - The film has finished now so I have turned it off and have some old sitcom on Sky on now. I am trying to distract myself.
I don't think I should move too far from the bathroom at present. Jac will be busy anyway. I did text her this morning but she's not replied. I don't want to burden her with too much. I haven't actually seen her since Christmas Day.
She did say she would call round one day as she hasn't visited since I moved.
I do feel very alone here. I only ever see Jac and she is mostly too busy most of the time.
Karen x
Hi Karen,
Well done on getting rid of the laxatives and managing to eat something.
I hope you can have a restful evening and manage to distract yourself a bit. It must be really hard when you're on your own there but I'm there in spirit ok and thinking of you.
Hang in there, you can get past this again.
Lisa x
Well done on the marmite and crispbreads hun - thats great:D
Giving you a big hug and saying this will get sorted - just keep trying to do your best :)
Love Piglet xx
"Supposing a tree fell down, Pooh, when we were underneath it?" said Piglet.
"Supposing it didn't," said Pooh after careful thought.
Thank you for all the messages of support.
Lisa: I am watching Soapstar Superstar lol! Saturday night TV is not the best.
Piglet: Thank you for your unwavering support as always. It has been really difficult to eat anything today.
It seems like everyone has an opinion of what I should be doing and I'm taking a bit of flak elsewhere for not automatically jumping at the chance to start treatment on Monday and the pressure is getting to me.
Nigel:
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">I’m sorry if anything I said came across as a criticism. I didn’t mean it that way. Feel free to say whenever you feel that’s the case, because that’s the only way that any of us will get to realise that something we’ve said doesn’t help.</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
Just ignore what I said. I expect it was my negative interpretation as usual. I automatically go on the defensive even when there is no need for it.
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">All I can add is that whatever you choose to do, it isn’t ‘failing’ or ‘messing up’. It’s weighing up all the facts and choosing the best option at this time. Giving something our best is never failing, whatever the outcome.</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
Thank you. I just feel some people think I am not giving it my best shot and I am therefore letting K down particularly, as she has done a lot to make this treatment a possibility. I just need to know she is involved so I feel more secure.
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">well done with the toast & Marmite... though I can never understand that Marmite [xx(]. Now that IS a serious problem ;)</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
It was crispbreads... the toast went on one of my previous panics [:I]. Marmite is great - virtually nil calorie too.
I think I am now getting obsessive about watching this film over and over again. I have not put it on again since this afternoon but I feel compelled to watch it for some reason.
Just hope I can get some sleep tonight as I am so tired now after being awake all last night.
Thank you all again so much.
Karen x
Nothing on TV now so I'm getting increasingly tempted to watch the film again [Sigh...]
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">Nothing on TV now so I'm getting increasingly tempted to watch the film again [Sigh...]
<div align="right">Originally posted by Karen - 07 January 2006 : 22:47:13</div id="right">
</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
Noooooooooooo Karen. Do you get the impression that I don't want you to do that lol. Seriously Karen this won't help, please believe me.
You do not need to watch this film. I do know how dire Saturday night tv is lol but there's no need to keep watching this film over and over. Watch anything else, even if it is rubbish or maybe put some music on instead. I was reading someones elses post earlier who has some issues that seem similar to yours and the advice you gave her was amazing, try applying some of those positive words to yourself if you can. I know it's always easy to give advice and not apply it to ourselves though (I do it enough lol).
Karen I don't know who has said what about you going to the clinic on Monday but I'm sure no one here is judging you. If anyone is giving you flak ignore them if you can, you have to do what is right for you. I do think people (on your other forum etc) may just be frustrated because they care not because they are cross. We all want to see you get the help you need but the issues with the funding and dates etc are not your fault and it's not unreasonable to have K's imput either.
I really hope you can get some sleep tonight Karen.
Take care,
Night night,
Lisa x
I hope you are not watching "it" are you Karen?
Surely Celebrity Big Brother (of people asleep) or even Black Sabbath would be better...
Hope you get some shut-eye
Good Night,
Ray
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance, I hope you dance.
~Mark Sanders and Tia Sillers
Hi Lisa
Yes I get the impression no one wants me to watch it. I don't really know why I have suddenly become so obsessed with watching this film. I've had it on tape for ages but now just want to keep watching it over and over again. Maybe it is just the fear of starting treatment and knowing they will want me to give up my anorexic behaviours. Anorexia does provide me with some benefits, mostly by avoiding dealing with other things I guess but otherwise I wouldn't be caught in this trap.
I haven't been watching it again but I can't focus on anything else or concentrate on watching anything.
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">I was reading someones elses post earlier who has some issues that seem similar to yours and the advice you gave her was amazing, try applying some of those positive words to yourself if you can.</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
That's the thing - it is easier to maintain perspective when not caught up in the emotional arousal of someone else's problems. It is so difficult to apply the advice to myself, even though I know rationally that doing things like watching this movie are not helpful.
The comments I was referring to about the clinic have come from my other forum and I do know that they are from people who care about me and want me to get well. But some of the comments still hurt and when I feel so guilty and worry I am letting people down anyway, particularly K, it just causes me to feel worse.
Anyway, I am going to try to get some sleep now and hope I can actually get a few hours at least tonight.
Talk again tomorrow.
Ray - Thank you for your post. No, I wasn't watching 'it' lol!
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Hi Karen
I just wanted to say I'm thinking of you - I really hope things get sorted out for you positively. I'm not at all surprised your anxiety/anorexia levels are so high - you survived the blasted holiday with the clinic hanging over you and to get messed around like this when control is so important to you is just plain cruel. I am sure that everyone means well and is trying to help but I can totally see why it is so hard for you to cope at the moment. But you WILL cope because you have come so and know you can do even though a lot of the time it doesn't feel like it.
As you know I too am struggling terribly at the moment, am in the depths of depression, full of dread - I am just trying to keep myself distracted so not coming on the boards here too much. I think of you lots and am still holding you hand. I have so much respect for you. You have such a good mind and are so able to give good advice to others I know it will get you through this. You are so kind and thoughtful in all your posts even when you are in such turmoil.
I hope today is a better day for you and that you managed to sleep!
BIG HUG!
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
fee
xx
Morning petal,
Did you get some kip???
Weather is mega grey here today - I think I may have been an hiberating type of animal in a previous life as that is exactly what I feel prone to do in winter. Amazing how a sunny day can completely alter your mood.
Love Piglet xx
"Supposing a tree fell down, Pooh, when we were underneath it?" said Piglet.
"Supposing it didn't," said Pooh after careful thought.
Hi Fee
It is very thoughtful of you to come here and write to me when I know you are struggling and feeling low at present too. It's not surprising with all you are dealing with. How are Sarah and Mark bearing up? I hope things are going as well as they can.
For the moment I am past worrying about tomorrow. I know I won't be starting immediately until everything has been sorted out. Nothing is ever straight forward is it? This isn't anyone's fault really but just typical red tape. It just doesn't help when anxiety and fears of a loss of control are issues anyway.
I'm here for you too Fee. Just shout if you need some help.
Karen x
Hi Piglet
I slept a bit better last night eventually but am still feeling tired and washed out really. Just feel generally not too well.
The weather here is dire too. It is pouring with rain and I think I could easily join you in hibernating for the winter!
Although I avoided watching the film last night, I've been playing Carpenters CDs this morning. I am trying to find the motivation to do something rather than sit here or stay in bed all day but don't have the energy to move. I still haven't taken the Christmas tree down yet, so need to do that and tidy up.
How are you today?
Karen x
Hi Karen,
Sorry you're not feeling too well, I'm glad you got some sleep though.
Can you try and play some different, more cheerful music maybe?
It's hard to do things that distract us when we feel exhausted and ill isn't it but as you say maybe try and do the tree.
It's grey and drizzly here too.
Hope your day gets better,
Lisa x
Thanks Lisa.
I'm going to have a bath and then start to do tree and tidy up a bit I think.
I so need to watch the video now. I am getting food cravings again and need some thinspiration to stop me caving in. I know I'll only hate myself and make myself feel even more ill by abusing laxatives if I binge.
I'm so disgusted with myself for even having these thoughts about eating. I feel such a failure. I need to starve myself - not eat.
Feeling really bad at the moment.
Karen x
Hi Karen,
Having a bath, doing the tree and tidying up sounds good.
Don't watch that video, K has the right idea, it needs shredding [:O] Sorry but it does. It's not disgusting to have thoughts of eating, it's normal although I know it doesn't feel normal to you. You are craving food because you are not eating enough and your body is crying out for nourishment. You need to try and eat small amounts regularly, then you won't get cravings, therefore you won't need to binge and then starve.
I know anorexics believe life will be better if only they are thinner but it won't in any way, you will just get iller. I don't have anorexia but several years ago I was very overweight due to a hormonal problem. Anyway I lost the 4 stone I needed to lose by eating sensibly etc. I too thought things will be so much better when I'm a normal weight again, but things were just the same. I thought I'd get a better job, have more friends, be more attractive but those things can happen anytime and our weight makes no difference. The problems you have are not due to your weight, but how you see things in your mind, but you know that aswell.
For example K will be your friend whether you are anorexic or a normal weight.
Anyway I hope that makes sense, only trying to help.
Lisa x
Hi Lisa
Well I've had a bath and cleaned the bathroom but am still not dressed although I've got clean pjs on now. If I don't get dressed then it is like I am reinforcing to myself that I am not going out and hopefully won't then go to the shop to get food to binge on. Only a couple of hours now and the shops will be shut and they I won't be able to get hold of any food anyway.
Being forced to see my body when I had a bath have given me renewed strength to avoid eating as seeing how fat I now am makes me determined that I have to avoid eating so I can lose this weight.
Although I know the sensible diet is to eat little and often it just makes me worse. I was in control until I started eating again. I could go the whole day, or several days without eating a thing. The more I feed my body, the more it wants.
I've been trying to do the right thing as far as starting to get better and being healthy is concerned, but I am getting more food cravings now and for unhealthy food than I was when I starved myself consistently. I don't understand what's happening to me. At the moment I have cravings for a cheese sandwich [:O]. I mean, why???? What good is that? It is just unhealthy fat and high calories.
I can see when I am thinking rationally that losing weight won't suddenly make my life alright but there is always that bit of hope. And I feel better about myself. I hate the way I look now I am carrying this extra weight and fat. My self-esteem is worse than ever and I am so desperate to get back in control again. This desperation is leading to even more self-destructive thoughts that I am fighting so hard to resist.
Watching this video is the least of my problems I think, although it is true I have become obsessive about it. I don't feel able to shred it [Sigh...]
I also noticed there is a new Paul McKenna show on Sky tomorrow night aimed at helping people lose weight. I doubt I'll be able to resist watching that either [:I]
Karen x
Hannahlou84
08-01-06, 14:46
Sorry that things are not going too well for you today. Given the temperature I would recommend big fleecy pjs too!!
Have you considered getting some low fat cheese? Just having the smallest scraping on some Nimble bread? Even something like philadelphia light?
It is normal for you to be feeling like this. But you must be able to see that you have more energy when you eat, and probably feel more positive in some ways?
You can do this without binging, maybe you have put on too much too soon, but surely the answer here is not to lose that weight, because that would be daft, but to maintain it, rather than increase it? I believe you can do this, Karen.
Perhaps you can find something else to do tonight, rather than watch the weight loss programme? What could you do instead?
x
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">I know anorexics believe life will be better if only they are thinner but it won't in any way, you will just get iller.
Anyway I lost the 4 stone I needed to lose by eating sensibly etc. I too thought things will be so much better when I'm a normal weight again, but things were just the same. I thought I'd get a better job, have more friends, be more attractive but those things can happen anytime and our weight makes no difference. The problems you have are not due to your weight, but how you see things in your mind,
Lisa x
<div align="right">Originally posted by LJ - 08 January 2006 : 14:10:28</div id="right">
</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
Oh how very wise Lisa and oh so very true.
How many of us think life will be fantastic if we just shed that excess weight, have boob job, get a nose job, earn more money, get more toned, have a face lift, buy some creme de la mer £75 face cream????[No] I am only guilty of the first one at the moment but there is still time.......
Real life is in the here and now, not in some imaginary 'perfect' world where we ourselves are also perfect!!!
This also applies to my anxiety and panic attacks (so that's another) although I think I am tryin to work with the whole business rather than against it now ie; doing my studying online rather than attending the college cos I'm not quite able yet. This is better than giving the whole thing a miss just cos of one problem aspect.
Karen what you are going through could help you yet!!!
When you have finally worked through it all you will be in a splendid place to help others !!! It has already made you a very compassionate person which we on the site benefit from:)
The things that happen to us in our life go to shape who we are - things that sometimes seem so negative years down the line come back to us and help or help others in ways we couldn't imagine.
Be very proud of who you are Karen [Wow!][Yeah!]:D:D:D
Love Piglet xx
Hi Guys
Hannah: A lot of this is much like I was saying to you last night. It is a pity we can give sensible advice to others but not take it ourselves isn't it?
I don't really want to eat bread, let alone cheese. Anyway I know it will only be a different food tomorrow and giving in to food cravings doesn't help, particularly when the cravings are for unhealthy foods.
Piglet: It is true I think that we all think at one time or another that life will be better if just one think could change, and in a way it is like wishing for someone to wave a magic wand. I think being with K would make everything all right and the anorexia kicks in by telling me that if I lose weight I will be good enough for her to want to see me and to love me. Fantasy maybe... but just one way anorexic thoughts warp reality.
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">Real life is in the here and now, not in some imaginary 'perfect' world where we ourselves are also perfect!!!
<div align="right">Originally posted by Piglet - 08 January 2006 : 15:35:44</div id="right">
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You hit the nail on the head there Piglet! Perfectionism is an underlying feature of a lot of my issues. I couldn't be the 'perfect' daughter for my parents and I associate failing with the reason why Mum doesn't love me and why Dad tries to control me and puts me down all the time.
I believe I need to be 'perfect' for K to love, or even like me. I want to be the perfect anorexic because I believe that will lead to being with K, among other benefits. It well and truly messes with my mind.
You're doing well at recognising and avoiding the trap of perfectionism and the online courses are a sensible compromise. Where did you find the online courses btw? When I am recovering a bit better from this anorexia, I am looking for something constructive to fill my time. My ultimate aim is the Diploma course but it will be a while before I do that.
Anyway, I have avoided giving in and watching the film so far today. I've done some tidying up and packed most of the decorations away. There's just the tree now.
I am making myself eat a couple of slices of turkey and some grilled tomatoes while I am typing this - hoping the distraction will help. I'm thinking of getting one of those health grills (maybe I'll go out and have a look tomorrow) so I could maybe try some grilled fish again. I don't like the electric cooker here and it seems a waste turning it on to cook the small amounts of food I eat.
Karen x
I was thinking about one of those health grills, so if you do I would like your opinion on that.
Well done for putting the decorations away and an even bigger well done on the turkey and tomatoes :D:D
Glad about the tape - I just want to stamp my trotter on it in a mad frenzy (remind me again which one of us has the problem with it)!!!!
Piglet xxx
Hi Karen,
Well done for having something to eat, I was hoping you would. I'm glad you're having some turkey, protein is so good for you and you were probably craving cheese as your body needs protein. The health grill sounds great, my friend has just brought one and says it's fantastic.
Well done for managing the decorations and tidying. The Christmas lights were still up in my local village yesterday, do they want the whole village to have bad luck Lol.
Piglet - Some very wise words from you there too, especially about life being the here and now. We can get so caught up in thinking life will be perfect if only X.... that we forget to enjoy today. You are doing well by doing your online course, it's facing up to doing something but in a manageable way. Who wants to go back to college anyway - then again could be fun dressed like a St Trinian and causing chaos! (flicking pringles at teachers etc) Lol.
It's also true that what happens to us shapes us, I wouldn't wish all this anxiety or my ME on anyone but in some ways it has made me more understanding and more appreciate of the things I do have.
My hubby has just come upstairs to see what I'm doing, he keeps saying I must be having internet sex or have an online boyfriend as I spend alot of time online. He says when he walks in I always hide what I'm doing. I have now told him about this site but I don't want him to read what I'm writing as he doesn't even try and understand anxiety as it is. He would just take the mickey even more than he already does.
Lisa x
Hi Piglet
I will certainly let you know about the grill when I get one. There are so many different ones that it's difficult to know which one to choose but I only need a small one so will maybe have a look online before hitting the shops tomorrow.
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">Glad about the tape - I just want to stamp my trotter on it in a mad frenzy (remind me again which one of us has the problem with it)!!!!
<div align="right">Originally posted by Piglet - 08 January 2006 : 16:26:56</div id="right">
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Umm... seems you are as obsessed with destroying it as I am about watching it [:O]
Karen x
Hi Lisa
Thanks for replying particularly when you're having a rough time today too.
I am trying to make sure I get some protein and do manage to do this more now than I have in the past. I don't know where the cheese craving came from. Maybe it is something to do with needing protein but I've not had this before. It just seems that the more I feed my body the more it wants and I'm trying to keep my intake at a steady rate, rather than starving myself one day and bingeing the next.
I think I might leave the tree until tomorrow now. If it is bad luck to leave it up after the 12th night I've already got the bad luck now anyway lol!
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">Who wants to go back to college anyway - then again could be fun dressed like a St Trinian and causing chaos! (flicking pringles at teachers etc) Lol.</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
LOL Lisa!:D I would never contemplate doing such things of course!;)
I agree some very wise words from both you and Piglet. It saddens me to think of anyone going through similar problems, or emotional problems of any kind. I do think though that if I could say something that helps just one other person then it means something good has come from my experiences.
Sounds like hubby is just feeling a bit neglected and jealous!
Karen x
Hi Karen,
Well done for trying to have some protein, it's definitely good to keep intake steady rather than getting into the binge/starve cycle.
I think hubby is just trying to wind me up actually, he certainly never gets jealous. I doubt he's feeling neglected either, he would be glued to the tv if I was sat next to him naked lol
I would never be naughty at college either ;) This from the girl who had her water pistol confiscated for squirting a teacher [:O] I did go on to be a prefect though lol
Lisa x
Hi Lisa
Prefect [Wow!] Very impressive! I was too quiet and shy, and also considered a 'problem' because of my emotional difficulties.
I know in theory it is better to eat regularly but I still feel as if I need to get rid of everything I've consumed after I've eaten. I don't want to get into the habit of eating. It still feels so wrong and like I am failing again every time I eat. I am feeling so bad again tonight simply because I have eaten.
Karen x
As you would expect I was quiet and shy and a little angel at school too[}:)][}:)][}:)][}:)][}:)][}:)]
Well at least I didn't smoke and at our school that made you one of the well behaved ones. I did do rolo spitting (stuck on the blackboard a treat) but didn't do pringles as they hadn't been invented.:D
Night night guys xxx
Piglet xx
Hi Karen,
I know eating regularly must feel wrong but it isn't honestly, it's great.
It doesn't mean failure it means success. If I was to give you any advice it would be along the lines of the advice that you gave someone else today, but as we all say, it's easier to apply things to other people and not ourselves, I should know. Lol.
I don't know how I was a prefect I was actually very quiet and shy, I hated school and was bullied alot.
Anyway hope you're feeling ok tonight Karen, thinking of you. I hope you get some answers about the clinic tomorrow.
I also hope you sleep again tonight.
Lisa x
Sorry... I am now feeling fat and like I am failing for eating today, so I am watching the video again [:I]
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Piglet - I thought you had that video locked away? [}:)] Has Karen found the key to the pringles cupboard! Lol
Seriously Karen, watching this will not help mate, please turn it off and find something else to do, this isn't helping you, don't let Edie have what she wants. There must be other things to watch (ok tv is rubbish but even so), or play some music (but not the Carpernters). I do wish you'd get rid of this video or at least not watch it. If you can't do it for you, then I know K wouldn't want you to be watching this would she. Karen you don't need to watch things like this for inspiration, it is not healthy to look that thin, quite the opposite. I've been reading up a bit on anorexia this weekend to try and understand more about what you are going through. The section on what anorexia can do to your body was just awful to read, I'd hate any of that to happen to you Karen. You are such a lovely kind caring person with so much to give, if anyone deserves to get through this it's you, and I know you can.
Hang in there but please at least try and distract yourself some other way, this video will only make you more miserable.
Take care,
Lisa x
Hannahlou84
08-01-06, 22:25
Come on, Karen, you know better than to be watching this, hun.
Perhaps make this the last time you watch it? Look at it in a different way, at all the damage anorexia is causing. Do you not think she looks really unwell? The only thing this video should be inspiring you to do is get better!! I know I can't really say much, but please try and stay away from things like this if you are not using them and considering the anorexia as evil. If you are viewing her life as an inspiration and wanting emulate her, maybe it is an idea to watch something more positive, someone who recovers? Perhaps you could have a look around on the net for something more inspiring. Don't make yourself feel worse than you already do. xxx
Hi Lisa
Really I have been trying so hard to resist but then I get so overwhelmed with the thoughts of what eating and gaining weight is doing to me and how repulsively fat I am now.
I've been doing my best to eating regularly and healthily, more for K and other people I care about like all my friends here, but I still have major problems dealing with the after effects of eating. I hate myself so much afterwards.
You are right that K does not want me to watch the video and she is probably fed up of encouraging me to get rid of it by now. Before I started obsessively watching this tape over and over again I used to surf the net for inspiration to get thinner.
I really appreciate you taking the time and effort to read up about anorexia and I can imagine how difficult reading the health consequences was for you. I am totally aware of the health risks but I suppose I still don't care about myself enough to worry about the possible damage I do. Plus I am now too fat and weigh too much to be in any danger. Although I doubt it makes sense to anyone except me, I feel so bad about myself for getting myself out of the danger zone. The anorexia wants to send me back there again.
Thanks for what you've said Lisa and rationally I know you are right. I just find it impossible to get past the anorexic thoughts at times and I don't think the video is really doing me any harm.
Karen x
Hi Karen,
This video is harming you, it is giving you even more unrealistic goals to aim for, if nothing else it isn't helping you feel better about yourself.
Looking at thinspiration websites is not helpful either, I came across one of those earlier and was absolutely horrified. It should be illegal to have that on the web! Some of the women looked so emaciated, not just thin!
I am sure you are not too fat to be out of the danger area, this is just how you are seeing yourself. A few weeks ago you were very underweight, it's not possible to have put on enough to even be a normal weight yet I'm sure. Your body is weak from this at times and the binging/purging does your health no good either. I do realise this is hard for you Karen honestly I do. It is so sad that you don't care about yourself enough, I do know the reasons why and understand how your childhood affected you. I'm still hoping you can get some help and improve that self esteem. You are worth so much more Karen and I hope one day you will see it too.
I know rationally you understand all this too. I don't mean to go on at you, I only want to help. I don't really think much I say helps as I'm in way out of my depth really as I don't understand eating disorders but I am here to support you and am thinking of you.
Just turn the video off ok, you know it makes sense ;)
I'm off to bed soon, night night, sleep well.
Lisa x
Hi Hannah
It might not be helpful in terms of recovery but then I also expect you can understand that eating causes feelings of being out of control. I also feel so disgusted with myself.
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">Do you not think she looks really unwell?
<div align="right">Originally posted by Hannahlou84 - 08 January 2006 : 22:25:25</div id="right">
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No, but then it isn't really her in the video. It is not really about that anyway. It is more that I want to show the self control and discipline for restricting that the film highlights because that's how I felt a short while ago. Now I feel out of control.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Hi Lisa
Thanks for replying and I truly appreciate your support. I realise it is difficult to know what to say to me when I am like this. I think I just exasperate everyone because of how determined and fixed I am in my thoughts about this.
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">Looking at thinspiration websites is not helpful either, I came across one of those earlier and was absolutely horrified. It should be illegal to have that on the web! Some of the women looked so emaciated, not just thin!</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
A lot of them have been banned but it is still possible to find them - not that I have been surfing for these sites for a while now. I agree some of the photos are quite shocking but I have never been as bad as the people shown in those pictures. And I am definitely like a whale compared to them now :(
I am not in the danger area anymore and am way too fat to be anywhere near there. I've gained so much weight it is terrible.
What upsets me most is not what damage I might do to myself by starving or purging (although I hate myself for bingeing); it is only the hurt I cause to others. In fact, someone on my other forum suggested today that I am causing hurt to K because of my behaviour and things like that make me feel so guilty.
I suppose not caring about myself is connected to low self-esteem and this is something the clinic work on. I have felt this way for so many years though that it seems impossible to change.
Thanks so much for caring Lisa. Your support means a lot.
Karen x
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">I was thinking about one of those health grills, so if you do I would like your opinion on that.
Originally posted by Piglet - 08 January 2006 : 16:26:56
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http://www.1000words.net/ scroll down to February 2005 in the gallery, right hand image in the top row for that month.
:D
Ray
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance, I hope you dance.
~Mark Sanders and Tia Sillers
Lisa - I have been searching for positive material to challenge my anorexia tonight, although I am still watching the film.
In my search I came across a book and read this book (http://www.amazon.co.uk/gp/reader/0393703371/ref=sib_dp_pt/202-9580406-5904622#reader-link). In the 'search inside' option there is an excerpt in which a sufferer of anorexia describes the voice of anorexia and it is very similar in many respects to what I experience.
Just thought it might be interesting for anyone wanting to gain more understanding of what anorexia is like.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Sue K with 5
09-01-06, 01:11
Hi Karen!
I do agree that watching the self help videos is not always helpful and can at time be more damaging but the one thing it does tell me is how much you want your life to change and you are making so much progress in finding information and material to help you with that.
I think you have done amazingly well ! and you have a great deal of courage in facing this. Its not easy ! but you will one day look back on all of this and realise how far you have come !
Your intelligent and like myself you can rationalise all this and we both know what needs to be done but it is easier said than done and I have every faith that one day you will beat this.
We are all here to support and help you in that and hopefully this clinic will come forward with dates soon !
I am cross my fingers for you honey !
lots of hugs
Sue with 5
scknight
Thanks for that Sue.
The video mentioned isn't a self-help tape but the story of Karen Carpenter's struggle with anorexia. I'm afraid I keep watching it as inspiration to lose weight rather than to recover from this illness [:I].
However, I have been looking for positive recovery self-help material too, as in the book in the link to Lisa I posted above. I'm just so torn and there is a battle raging inside me all the time between wanting to get better but also not wanting to let go of the need to control food and weight.
I appreciate your support, thank you.
How are you tonight?
Karen x
Sue K with 5
09-01-06, 02:17
Hi honey
I remember watching that once and crying my heart out at her plight and what a terrible waste of a wonderful life.
Food is an issue for many people including myself! I can relate to that even though I dont have bulimia or Anorexia. I have a fear of food in open places hence why I cannot eat out in restaurants or at peoples houses. It has taken me four years to learn to believe that the local takeaway house is safe. I had to befriend the girl over the counter and tip generously to confirm that I would be safe. Sound silly maybe but it is a real issue for me and trying to control it is an ongoing battle.
I wish I knew the answers to your battle. I would give anything to stop the pain and fears that we suffer but I cant work miracles and neither can you. Your battle will end it has to and with the right help and support one day like myself we will overcome this.
Somtimes the hardest thing to do is accept who and what we are. This is your battle once you have dealt with the issues that led you here then maybe the food control and weight control will subside. I dont know I am not a doctor but I do know one thing this will end when you have faced your demons and dealt with your fears. these problems stem from a history sometimes not always pleasant face them first and the next hurdle could be a lot easier for you.
Takle care for now
Sue with 5
xxxxx
scknight
I expect the cheese thing is about a need for calcium
Meg xx
Morning Karen,
Just saying hello.
Lovely grey Monday morning here - I am off into the shed in a mo though to get the rebounder out. Time to get back to my proper exercising routine.
Lol that makes it sound all organised doesn't it. I usually do yoga about 4 times a week and 15 mins everyday on the rebounder jogging to music (this has lapsed big time over xmas to nothing - so time to start again)!
I know 15 mins doesn't sound very long but I am workin on it. It does say in the book that a 10 min leap around is the same as a 30 min jog on normal roads so I hope that's true.
I have ordered a couple more yoga dvds to give me some variation and some more music to keep me inspired on the trampolene (dead boring without the music).
Ray - I looked at that pic :D:D:D noggin!!!
Piglet xx
"Supposing a tree fell down, Pooh, when we were underneath it?" said Piglet.
"Supposing it didn't," said Pooh after careful thought.
Hi all
Thanks Sue - It is a tragic film and yet I have some kind of morbid obsession with it for some reason.
It is true that the anorexia isn't about food or weight at all but it is a symptom of the other problems in my life and I've developed this as a way of coping.
Meg- Thanks for explaining about the cheese craving.
I'm not very good today. Having finally got to sleep very late last night again, I was woken early by someone banging next door. Sounds like some kind of work is being done and so I can't get to sleep again and the noise is making me feel so on edge.
I already feel bad about eating and despise myself for the weight I've gained and I know it is stupid but the noise is making me feel like I need to harm myself and take it out on myself.
I can't stand this...
Karen x
Mate put headphones on while the noise is going on or cottonwool in your ears.
Maybe if you do that you can go back and have some more sleep.
Have you heard from anyone anything about the clinic???
Big hug
Piglet xx
"Supposing a tree fell down, Pooh, when we were underneath it?" said Piglet.
"Supposing it didn't," said Pooh after careful thought.
Hi Karen,
Well done for looking for positive things to help with the anorexia, thanks for the link, I will have a read of that as it will help to have an insight into what you go through.
Sorry you didn't sleep too well. I can really sympathise with the banging, maybe try the headphones or something as Piglet suggested. I am like that at night, just waiting for the next bang and it always makes me jump.
I hope you hear something about the clinic today,
Lisa x
Hi again Karen,
I just had a read from your link and it does help me to understand what's going on in your head better. It must be so hard having that going on all the time. I have similar things with my health anxiety but it's not the same at all. The girl writing describes the anorexia voice as her friend, when in fact no friend would put someone through all this so surely this voice is more of an enemy in reality. The way she describes him eating away at her heart, her soul, her family connections, it made me realise what a cruel cruel illness this is.
Thanks for helping me understand a bit more, I still wish I could help more but I'm here to support you and waffle on at you lol.
Lisa x
Hi Piglet and Lisa.
I couldn't handle to noise any longer so went out for a few hours. I've been to the shopping centre and bought a couple of extra large sweatshirts so I can hide my fat. Sorry but I really can't handle looking like this :(.
How have I failed so badly? I've let myself go so much and need to be back in control. I really really need to get rid of this weight. I can't stand it any longer.
Lisa - I alternate between being able to see Edie as an enemy and thinking of her as a friend. The hope of the promises coming true being just out of reach is so true. The description of reaching the top of the mountain is just what it is like.
Edie is destructive and takes me further from things I wish for but at the same time she is always here. I have no friends or family physically with me here and Edie is always here in my head.
No word from K or the clinic today.
Piglet - Your exercise regime is good. I need to do some exercise and have been looking at exercise bikes. I can't do anything that's likely to annoy my downstairs neighbour.
Karen x
Hi Karen,
I hope that noise has stopped now, you did well to go out, sometimes staying in and getting annoyed by it doesn't help. Not sure you needed extra large sweatshirts though (more like extra small), at least they will keep you warm.
Karen you haven't failed, quite the opposite actually, you have been achieving alot lately.
I understand how you alternate between seeing Edie as a friend or enemy, she is an enemy though and she will never let you reach the top of that mountain however hard you try to please her. Karen on the other hand could reach the top of the mountain and see the lovely view the other side :)
I'm glad you can see that she is destructive and takes you further from the things you want.
I'm sure being alone doesn't help you much either, that must be difficult.
Are you likely to be able to visit Jac again anytime soon?
I hope you get the clinic issues sorted out soon, must be frustrating not knowing what's happening.
Take care,
Lisa x
Thanks Lisa.
It is a bit quieter now and I hope they are packing up for the day. I just hope the same doesn't happen tomorrow.
Now I've gained weight I do feel like I need extra large and I want to hide. Don't want anyone to see how fat I am.
On one hand I want to get well and wish I could do something that K could be pleased with but there is such a big pull back to how I was a while ago. I want to lose weight again.
Jac is too busy and whenever I try to ring or arrange to meet up she is doing something else. I am alone here.
I'm also worried that K hasn't been around today and I've not heard from her.
Karen x
Hi Karen,
Glad it's quieter there now.
Try and work towards maintaining your weight rather than losing it again, do you think you can try this?
K will be fine, I'm sure you'll hear from her soon.
Thinking of you,
Lisa x
Hi Lisa
I'm sorry but I don't think I can maintain. I cannot cope with being this big.
I am stressing about it so much today. Am not sure I can even keep eating apples now - the smallest ones are still 60 calories. Am trying to reduce my calorie intake again.
I hope you are right that K is fine.
Karen x
Hi Karen,
You know this is just a phase, well, I believe so. Really I do.
You have had pressures on you for the past few days and so it's understandable.
You are quite welcome to come in the Local tonight - we serve water as well!
Take Care,
Ray
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance, I hope you dance.
~Mark Sanders and Tia Sillers
Thanks Ray. I hope you are right. I just feel like there is no way through this.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Of course there is and you will find it :)
Ray is right, there has been a lot of extra stress recently for you to deal with.
You are not fat I repeat not fat - you are not seeing yourself as others see you and you know that.
Don't keep punishing yourself by not eating - a car can't run if its got no petrol.
I think if you find some good distractions it would help alot - what about joining Lisa and I in some courses (you liked the look of some of them didn't you, no need to put any off, cos you can take as long as you like with them, years if necessary the college doesnt have a time limit).
Give it a little thought (these would be more constructive thoughts than some of the ones going through your head at present).
Big squeeze:)
Piglet xxxx
Hi Piglet
Yes, I there are maybe one or two courses that sound interesting. I am just a bit concered about starting and not having the time to commit to doing it. I did start a course last year which sounded ok from the course details but wasn't what I expected when I started.
I feel so fat and even if no one believes me, compared to the way I was a while ago I am now so huge.
I had a few grilled cherry tomatoes but now feel like a failure for eating.
Now I am watching the Paul McKenna weight loss programme on TV.
Karen x
Those are noggin thoughts - you are not fat no matter what you say.
The courses don't need to be done in a mad frenzy - you can do as much or as little as you want and when you want.
I never do any in the school hols for instance and not often at the weekends, some weeks I will knuckle down and do some every day then the next week not so much. I also tend to do it within school hours.
What I have found though is that it is a pleasure to do, cos its so interesting - it doesn't seem a drag because I am so interested in what I am doing. Like when you get involved in a film say ;)!!
There are some on there that would be right up your street and you never know you may come across stuff to help you with your own circumstances. I already 'squeeze' my own feet and find this incredibly soothing and helpful - I also love all my crystals and spend many a happy time playing with them all and sorting them out.
I know for certain I do better when I am occupied, I have far too active a brain for it to be left to its own devices and I suspect the same of many of us on here:)
Piglet xxxxxxxxx
Hi Piglet
I know it is true that I don't have enough to keep my mind occupied and I will give some further consideration to maybe sending for one of the courses.
One problem is that I use being occupied as a way to avoid eating. When I am busy I don't obsess about food so much but I also use this as a way to ignore feeling hungry and therefore avoid eating too.
I am so convinced I am fat that I just can't accept that it is not true. K says this is the dysmorphia part of anorexia and that I really am unable to see myself as others see me. Now it is even worse because the weight gain makes me see myself as being repulsively overweight [:I].
Karen x
Listen to K mate - think you may have to accept that you aren't seeing yourself as you really are at the mo!!!
If you want anymore info about the courses in general do give me a shout.
Big hug as I am off to use all my new skin products - and it can take hours cos I don't know which cream to choose[:I]:D
Nighty night.
See you in the morning:D
Piglet xx
"Supposing a tree fell down, Pooh, when we were underneath it?" said Piglet.
"Supposing it didn't," said Pooh after careful thought.
Thank you so much Piglet.
Hope you enjoy your pampering session!
Karen x
Hi Karen,
Sorry you're still struggling with things tonight, big hug for you.
I believe you can come through this, I know it's hard but you can feel better again. K is right about the dysmorpia, I think many of us have that to some extent but with anorexia this is more exaggerated, you really don't see yourself as others see you.
You really do need to try and keep eating Karen, your body needs fuel, everything will be harder when you're not eating, the brain needs fuel to think straight too.
The Paul McKenna programme is not helpful either, he is trying to help people who genuinely need to lose weight, you do not. Try and watch something else and leave that to people like me that need it lol.
Seriously though I do hope you're feeling a bit better now.
Piglet - I have this vision of you sat surrounded by lotions and potions wondering which to use lol. I read earlier that natural yoghurt with a dash of lemon juice makes a great cleanser, haven't tried it though.
Anyway night night all, sleep well.
Lisa x
Hi Lisa
Thanks for your reply.
I have eaten today which I really didn't want to do. I've had some grilled tomatoes and some fruit but I feel such a failure for giving in and eating. I can't stop believing that real success lies in resisting food being back in control and losing weight again.
The Paul McKenna thing wasn't really helpful, mainly because his plan included things like eating when hungry and eating what you want. I suppose that does show that I am not into weight control in a healthy way. He also told his volunteers not to weigh themselves.
He is conducting a weight loss experiment with the volunteers in the audience and also people can register on the internet.
Next week's show deals with emotional eating and binge eating though so that might be interesting.
I wish I could just avoid eating altogether.
Karen x
Hi Karen,
How are you feeling today? Any news from K or the clinic yet?
I really thought of you last night Karen, I was flicking through the tv channels before bed and found some documentary about the Carpenters on ITV3, as I turned on they were talking about Karen Carpenters anorexia and subsequent death. It was so sad, I wanted to run up to the PC and beg you to get help any way you can so that doesn't happen to you. I found it quite emotional to watch and the health side of things made me feel quite anxious. I think it hit home more now that I know you and it made me realise just how serious this illness is. It also gave me a greater insight into it, how she managed to appear to be getting better and even hid how bad things were from her husband etc. I really hope you can get to the clinic sometime so that you can get the help you need. Her beautiful young life was tragically lost to this disease but things can be very different for you, you have so much to give and could make a great therapist and help others too. There is so much to get well for Karen.
You say in your last message that you feel real success lies in resisting food and losing weight and being back in control, but in all honesty you're not happy inside even then are you? Even then it's not good enough for Edie and it never will be. Edie is just encouraging you into further ill health and unhappiness.
Anyway sorry that's a bit deep and meaningful today lol. Hope the noise has stopped there today.
Bye for now.
Lisa x
Hi Karen
Well done for eating at all last night - it must be so hard when you feel like that - give yourself an enormous pat on the back and accept a big hug and praise!!!
I miss chatting more on here but have no energy, am headachey and dizzy the whole time - but I'm thinking about you xxxxxxxx
fee
xx
Hi Fee - Thanks for your message. Sorry you're not feeling to good. I'm thinking of you. We're here for you and wishing you well.
Hi Lisa - I'd have watched that documentary had I known it was on. I agree that her death was a tragedy because she was so successful and her music touched many people.
I am afraid I feel worse today. I've upset K now and I am such a terrible and worthless person that I deserve to die. I can't live with what I've done to K. She is so kind, caring and generous. She's been with me all the through this and I repay her like this. I really don't care what happens to me.
She is my life and without her I don't even want to be here.
K also told me to contact the clinic because they have not replied to her either. Don't know what's going on and right now I just feel like giving up anyway.
The noise is worse today. They are banging and drilling next door. I can't think clearly. I can't relax and I can't get away from it. All I long for is to be with K and for her to hold me in her arms, but I've even ruined my relationship with her now :(.
Karen x
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Hannahlou84
10-01-06, 11:54
Come on, darling, I really doubt that you have ruined your relationship with K, particularly if she is asking you to chase up the clinic because they aren't getting back to you. She cares about you, Karen, even if it is not in the way that you want, she does. She would not abandon you at this stage, and I also imagine you would have to do quite a bit to upset her, don't you? How many other times have you reacted like this, and then found things were as they were before? Try not to panic. Easier said I know.
Is there not anywhere you could go today? For a drive maybe? Or perhaps you could call in on Jac? Do you look after her daughter at all? Maybe you could spend some time with her so Jac can have a break even? That would certainly be a distraction!
Take care,
H x
Hi Karen,
Sorry you're feeling worse today and that it's so noisy there still.
You are not worthless and do not deserve to die, you deserve to live a happy fulfilled life. Why is K cross with you? I'm sure she isn't, it's just how you are interpreting it. As Hannah said you're said this many times before and K is still there to support you like she promised she would.
Maybe you could try and email the clinic again later?
Anyway I have to have my lunch soon then back to work, I have chiropractor after work but will try and check in on you this evening sometime.
I am thinking of you, big hug (((Karen)))
Lisa x
Ooh now this won't do at all.
I love Karen Carpenters voice I alway sing her songs to the kids - you want to hear me, I have the voice of an angel, just with undertones of Janice Battersby but I don't want you watching this anymore, this is not at all the direction for happiness.
You have got a little side tracked here now, so lets move off from that.
I think today's action plan could be to e-mail the clinic just to find out the state of play then you know exactly where you are up to one way or another. It doesn't do to have stuff hanging over you that can be clarified fairly simply.
The next plan has got to be one of distraction - why don't you pop along to see Jac and explain you are missing her company and is there anything you can do to help.
I know you don't feel like doing much but it does work to change the scene a little, even if just for an hour.
I am a little tired this morning as it took me so long to choose a face cream to use last night - but what about world peace Piglet I hear you cry and all the important issues in the world, well I will get round to those when I have sorted out the difference between rose night cream and vitamin e oil.
Big squeeze to you.
Piglet xx
Thanks for the replies.
I have already sent an email to the clinic this morning but no reply so far.
The situation with K is different this time. I hate myself for being so manipulative because I am so desperate to be with her and for her attention. She won't abandon me because she is too kind to do something like that, but it doesn't mean she has to like me or want anything to do with me. There is a difference.
I can't risk leaving the flat I'm afraid and so I can't go anywhere. I don't want to burden Jac, particularly when she has already told me she is busy. She is busy with family things and helping her mum to look for somewhere to move to. She is never at home on Tuesdays anyway.
Lisa - I hope the appointments go well this afternoon.
I appreciate all the suggestions and I am sorry I am just in too much of a state to do any of them. I want to go back to bed and hide under the duvet but this noise is doing my head in now too :(
Karen x
Well done for e-mailing and hopefully they will get back to you soon.
If you are staying in then try something that will take your mind of things.
Do you read at all???
Piglet xxxxxxx
"Supposing a tree fell down, Pooh, when we were underneath it?" said Piglet.
"Supposing it didn't," said Pooh after careful thought.
Hi Piglet
Thanks for replying.
No, I don't read much, mainly because I can't concentrate and reading makes my headaches worse.
I've tried using my relaxation CDs but it's not helping because I can hearing the banging and drilling from next door over the volume of the CD, so I just can't relax.
Don't know what to do anymore.
Karen x
Don't know what to do anymore.
I can't get away from these thoughts in my head about K and I am so sure I am just a burden to her.
Now Edie is tormenting me too. I don't want to eat. I need to fast so I can get rid of this badness in me but all I do is obsess about food. This just confirms how bad I am. Dad was right - I should never have been born.
And all this noise is driving me up the wall. I can't escape from myself. I can't make Edie shut up and now I can't get away from this noise. I just want a way out :(
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Karen you are NOT bad - you are a fantastic person going through a hell of a tough time....
But if you need convincing you are a fantastic person, do one thing that EVERYONE who cares about would applaud and tell Edie to SHUT THE F*** UP!!
I need you to keep bringing your intelligence and sensitivity to this board - is there anyone who you could visit or anything you could do to distract you this evening?
I do NOT believe you have done anything that would make K not like you and I am absolutely certain that she and Jac care tons about you. The weaker you are from not eating the more the horrible negative voices take over.....
Hang on to my hand tonight Karen, go through the motions again, you can do it....
There is something inside you so strong xxxxxxxxxxxxx
fee
xx
Hi Fee
Thank you so much. Most of these distressing feelings I am experiencing began because I started eating again. I just can't handle what it is doing to me. I feel like I am being torn apart inside. Edie is twisting everything and taunting me with thoughts of food I'll binge on, while also calling me all the names under the sun for not being good enough by starving myself completely.
I just feel like I am completely losing the plot and I can't handle this emotional turmoil anymore. I desperately need K. I wish I could be with her and all of this would go away. I just want it to stop.
Truly I do want to eat and do what K and all my friends would like me to do but at the moment I am too scared that if I have one mouthful then I won't stop. I'm not in control anymore. The only way to get back in control is not to eat at all. But then I am scared doing that will cause other friends to lose faith in me and to give up on me.
It probably is a good thing that I've got no motivation to move from this chair, let along get dressed or go anywhere. I really don't know what I would do. I can't live with myself getting fatter. I just can't deal with all the consequences.
There is no one I could be with this evening either. There is only Jac and she is busy. I know she does care but she has her own life and priorities. I'm alone here.
Sorry, I don't know what else to say.
Karen x
Oh and I had a very unhelpful reply from the clinic. They didn't tell me anything and just said for K to contact them direct.
I am so weak. I'm ruining my life. In fact, I don't have a life. I don't want to be like this.
I'm trying to stop but it's so hard alone. I don't want to be alone :(
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
I am just sendin you a massive hug while I try and think about this one.
The alone bit is sooo hard - I know cos my mum lives alone and is a total hermit, she does do just a little voluntary work for a few hours each week and if it wasn't for that and her weekly hairdressers visit for her 'shampoo and set' I don't think she would ever go out other than for her cigarettes!!! Also she lives 300 miles away from me so she's not near either.
I can deffo notice on weeks where she hasn't been out as she does seem to get very withdrawn.
We all need company - we are herd animals really and it's cruel for us to be alone (a little bit of time is good but too much nooooo)!
I'm thinking and sometimes that is a slow process so I will try and get back on later.
Piglet xxxxx
"Supposing a tree fell down, Pooh, when we were underneath it?" said Piglet.
"Supposing it didn't," said Pooh after careful thought.
Karen,
I feel a little helpless in being able to help you, but I'd like to do what's possible.
I know from personal experience that noise from next door can send you bananas when you are feeling so sensitive already. Last February, my next door neighbour, who is very civil and quiet, decided to have a party the night after my aunt's funeral which was just two weeks after I had taken redundancy. It upset me so much I rang the Environmental Health people!
I am sure that you are so down and sensistive at the moment because of the pressures of Christmas and New Year and then this thing with the clinic.
Life can be a right sod!
Just remember your true worth and inner beauty, and that Jac, K and all the rest of us here remain for you just as before. Nothing has really changed, yet you are suffereing so much more.
Remember how you were a few weeks ago; think about what you had achieved; remember the hospitality of Jac; the looking forward to taking your diploma.
These times will return, and you must try so so hard to fend off Edie's power, as you are so strong Karen, stronger than her.
Continue to be so and you'll smile again. :D
Ray
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance, I hope you dance.
~Mark Sanders and Tia Sillers
Hi Karen,
Phew it's taken me ages to get on here tonight, kept timing out or taking ages to open anything.
Now I'm here I don't know what to say to help either I'm afraid. I do know how awful noise from neighbours is though so feel for you there.
I am thinking of you Karen, I know you're having a really hard time, hang in there, things can get better.
I'm sure K sees in you what we all do - a lovely person.
Lisa x
Well all the messing about on msn about living on your own really just came up with stuff I already know.
Obviously one was to widen your circle of friends by joining things or working and to pursue things from there.
Another was to do voluntary work (I know mum finds just the few hours a week she does give her a purpose and a distraction).
I was thinking have you helped out at the therapist place (is that Jill) recently.
I so wish I lived nearer as we could have some grand little trips out to benefit us both.
You have lots of friends mate, its just we could do with being nearer couldn't we.
Big Tues night hug:)
Piglet xx
"Supposing a tree fell down, Pooh, when we were underneath it?" said Piglet.
"Supposing it didn't," said Pooh after careful thought.
Thanks for the messages of support. I couldn't get on here either as it kept timing out, so I've just had a panic about being even more cut off and isolated.
Piglet - Being alone so much doesn't help me and I know that. I just don't have a way round this. Jac is the only local friend I have but I rarely see her now. In fact, I've not seen or spoken to her since Christmas Day. We text maybe once a week but she's too busy for me to visit or to talk on the phone.
It's so hard because doing somethin that involves being with people I don't know wouldn't help either as it would just increase my anxiety.
Ray - It is the stress of everything else and the fact I am feeling so low that is making me so sensitive to other noise. It didn't help that I was woken up early this morning by someone ringing the bell on my entry phone and when I answered they had pressed the wrong bell. Then all this noise all day from next door so I couldn't sleep again.
That noise has just stopped and now upstairs sound like they are running around the flat. All of these things are making it impossible to calm down and I feel like I'm losing it completely.
One thing that has changed since the time you mentioned is that I started eating and having foods I hadn't eaten for at least a year. I think everything has gone wrong since I started eating and now I feel more out of control then ever. At least I was in control when I was restricting and starving myself.
Lisa - Thanks for replying. I know you understand about the noisy neighbours and it is so stressful dealing with it day in and day out. This is one reason I think the move could be good for you. I think I want to live in complete isolation away from all neighbours.
I am losing hope of being able to do any of those things I was thinking of before. I can't even see my way through until tomorrow right now.
Karen x
Hi Piglet
I wish we all lives closer too. I value my friendships here so much. Sometimes though I just need someone to actually be here, you know?
Voluntary work or joining groups is really difficult because of my social anxiety and would just cause further anxiety. I don't really need more stress at present.
I haven't been to help out at Jill's office since before Christmas. I can only do this when they ask me and it is usually before their Diploma course weekends that they need a hand. I am going for the day in a couple of weeks but haven't got anything arranged before that.
When I help out in the office I usually have a session with Jill afterwards but she's not able to see me next time so I have to see the other therapist instead.
I just feel trapped and I can't see a way out of this mess.
Karen x
Hun you're not - we just need to think about this a bit more.
Piglet xxx
Thanks Piglet. What would I do without my friends here? I am closer to many of you here than I am to my family.
Karen x
Hi Karen,
I hope you're getting some peace now. I know what you mean about isolation away from neighbours, my idea of bliss would be a crofters cottage in the Scottish Highlands or Islands (Skye, Mull etc), it's so beautiful and tranquil there. On holiday there we once drove for 2 hours without seeing a house, person or car, lovely.
That was pre health anxiety though, 2 hours is a bit far from a doctor nowadays! Lol.
I wish we all lived close too, it would be great to all meet up and help each other out, but we have each other online at least. I understand about you needing someone there Karen, I really admire anyone that lives alone. I know many have no choice but it must be hard.
Anyway hope you're feeling a bit (or alot) better tonight. You can get through this, just take it bit by bit and you can do it.
Lisa x
Hi Lisa
Yes, I'd like to not have any neighbours next to me or above me but already feel so isolated at times that I wouldn't want to live in the middle of nowhere. But then I think as long as I had the internet would it really be any different?
In fact, it would be better as there would be no shops within easy reach and therefore it would remove temptation to give in to my food cravings.
I don't have a choice about living alone and most of the time I cope OK but sometimes, like today, I just really wish I had someone here who cares about me; someone to give me a hug, or hold my hand and reassure me that it will be alright.
Piglet - Thanks for the texts tonight.
Karen x
Hi Karen,
I do understand how you feel. I know it's not the same but I'm sending you a virtual (((hug))), it will be alright, just take it step by step and you will get through this.
I'd text you too but as I live in the middle of nowhere surrounded by huge trees I can hardly ever get a signal at home, except right down the garden sometimes.
Anyway take care and I hope you get some sleep tonight.
Lisa x
Hi Karen
ok hon.... dig out your brain cells from under the carpet... you were NOT in control when you weren't eating - edie anorexia was... the thing is at least if felt like someone was. But now you are feeling a bit of control and it's frightening the hell out of you and you don't want it because you don't trust yourself to handle it, and you think that people won't like you and that you will make mistakes etc... You have forgotten what it's like to have any control over your life - it's scary!! Your thoughts are getting bleaker because if you edie is not in control you might have to deal with the emotions that led you here. But if you let edie have control again you will still feel terrible but physically worse too....
You know you have to keep going forward, you have come so far....
I'm alone too and I know what it's like when terror takes over and you just wish someone would come in and hug you, take a bit of care of you, love you.... but you have to do this for yourself, treat yourself just like you would someone else who is struggling and in pain - be kind to yourself - set the tone for how everyone else should treat you, show them all what a wonderful special person you think you are, what a rotten time you've had.... LOVE yourself.. tell yourself over and over "I will take care of myself" "I deserve to be looked after and I'm going to do it" - fight back honey fight back....
you ARE going to get through this and whatever happens we will not give up on you because we know you now, you've shown us your strength and integrity and sensitivity and intelligence... Trust our opinions, believe what we say, why should you doubt us?
I will be thinking of you all the time, you are not alone in the ways that count - better than having a drunk or insensitive partner sitting there with you belittling you - you have all of us who really care!
I hope you get some sleep tonight sweetie....
nite hon xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
fee
xx
Hi Fee
Thanks for your reply. I did feel in control when I wasn't eating, although I accept that I was probably the only one who believed I was in control.
However, I am still not in control now. Edie is still calling the shots but for some reason the game plan has changed. Sometimes I kid myself that I am taking control back from her, back this is mainly on 'good' days where I don't eat much. Most of the time I am plagued by thoughts of food and bingeing and it is such a daily uphill struggle to try to avoid giving in.
In actual fact I don't think I have ever felt truly in control of my life and that is probably part of the problem. I am also a perfectionist and don't want to make mistakes and I think it is probably obvious to everyone by now how much I worry that people won't like me. I have such a bad opinion of myself that I don't see anything to like about myself.
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">Your thoughts are getting bleaker because if you edie is not in control you might have to deal with the emotions that led you here. But if you let edie have control again you will still feel terrible but physically worse too....</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
True, anorexia is a way of avoiding dealing with those painful emotions and I think the way I am feeling right now, slipping back into such a deep depression, highlights to me how little I have achieved. I am still avoiding dealing with this painful issues just the way I have most of my life.
I suppose one reason I want to go back to starving myself is because of the physical effects. It is preferable to feel physically ill and to struggle with physical problems than it is to deal with the emotional distress. I experienced less despair generally when starving myself and at a low weight than I am feeling now.
You said some truly lovely things in your message Fee and it really does mean such a lot to know I have friends here who care about me. Apart from Jac, it is not something I've been used to until now. I still struggle with believing myself to be worthy of such care and friendship. It is true that I have no reason to doubt anything you or anyone else here has said. It is just so hard to like myself when I am so ashamed of a lot of my behaviour.
How are you managing? I hope things are ok and you're feeling a little better. I am here for you too and thinking of you.
Hi Lisa
Thank you for the vitual hug!
It is a shame about having no mobile signal. Maybe things will be different if you move.
I am not having much luck getting to sleep as you can probably tell from the time of this post.
Hi Piglet
Hope you decided which pampering products to use in the end! Talk to you tomorrow - well today now[|)]
Karen x
Good morning all,
That was a fab post Fee and I certainly go along with looking after and being kind to yourself.
You know how much I love affirmation cards - well on one of those it says to be your own best friend. That really touched a chord with me that card and reminds me to enjoy being with ME!!!
I do try and treat myself as I would a friend (except when I being really irritating then I give myself a slap and a punch and generally roll around on the carpet fighting with myself - you should see, it's better than the telly).
In essence though its a really good idea and I have been known to give myself a little hug from time to time too.
You know Karen I wonder if at the moment rather than focusing on the whole eating thing, what about working on the self-esteem instead. Surely if you liked yourself more this would go a long way to helping.
I absolutely love Glenn Harrold cd's and have recommended them to lots of people and the reviews on Amazon speak for themsleves.
I started with the relaxation one about 9 months ago to help with the anxiety and realised they do work for me, so went on and got loads more and my absolute favourite one of all time is the 'Self-esteem' one - it's so relaxing and sometimes it makes me want to punch the air and say "yeah go me".
Piglet xxx
"Supposing a tree fell down, Pooh, when we were underneath it?" said Piglet.
"Supposing it didn't," said Pooh after careful thought.
Hi Piglet
Glad we are back now. I couldn't get on here earlier as it just kept timing out.
How are you this morning? I hope you don't do too much fighting with yourself and rolling around on the carpet [8D]
I do need to work on my self esteem and this is a longstanding problem. I've got a hypnosis download for this from the company my therapist is a director of but I've been using some of the others ones and haven't had a chance to use this one yet.
I haven't slept and was just starting to drift off when they started hammering next door again [Sigh...] So I am really tired and want to sleep, particularly so I can avoid eating.
I'm really beginning to feel like I don't want to be here but then there is only one place I do want to be... and I know I can't go there :(
Maybe I'll research those courses further. Did you do the tutored or self-study ones? I want to get an exercise bike too.
Karen x
I did the self-study version mainly due to my budget but I am also fairly well motivated so didn't really need too much in the way of support.
I think they break the subject down in to very manaagable chunks and I'm really enjoying the whole thing.
Which ones did you fancy hun??
Piglet xx
"Supposing a tree fell down, Pooh, when we were underneath it?" said Piglet.
"Supposing it didn't," said Pooh after careful thought.
Hi Karen,
Sorry you're still struggling and didn't sleep again. I bet that hammering is driving you mad, if it was me I'd want to go round there and use that hammer on them by now! lol. I really do understand how frustrating this is.
Yes maybe I will have a better mobile signal if I move but I doubt it as it doesn't work well anywhere in this area, if we move the new house would be even more isolated but we'll see. Thankfully I only ever use my mobile for emergencies and not regularly for texting anyone.
I do understand the self esteem issue, working on that would be a good plan.
Have you had a look at the courses, are there any you fancy doing?
Have you had a reply from the clinic yet?
I hope you feel a bit better later.
Hi Piglet - I did laugh reading your post, imagining you fighting yourself on the floor lol.
How did you find the exam process for your crystal exam? Do you know when you'll know if you've passed?
Bye for now,
Lisa x
Ooh I do hope I pass Lisa after all this[:I]
They send you the exam online and I printed it off - you then get 2 days in which to do it and get it back to them.
I did it like I was at school and set out my pencils and pens lol!!!
When I finished doing it on paper I just typed it into an e-mail and sent it back.
I think this was a fairly straightforward one as there were no diagrams to have to scan in and send - I think there maybe on the A&P as I am only on lesson 2 of that one.
More beauty things have come today!!!!!!!!!!
I have ordered a few body things this time from Akumti, stuff for my hair and some lovely body butter called Mandarin something,that is really lovely.
I love all these places I have been trying,as all the prices are affordable, so you can have a play. I will calm down soon once I find my favourites [:I]
Piglet xx
"Supposing a tree fell down, Pooh, when we were underneath it?" said Piglet.
"Supposing it didn't," said Pooh after careful thought.
Hi Lisa and Piglet
Eventually I fell asleep for a few hours but then woke with a start and a headache. I got up and immediately had a nosebleed which wouldn't stop, so not having a lot of fun here at the moment.
No news from the clinic and I nothing from K today either. I think she is getting a bit frustrated with the situation now though. It is has gone from them pushing me to start on Monday, to now not getting replies from anyone.
I also emailed Jill, my therapist, this morning but no response from her either.
Karen x
Hannahlou84
11-01-06, 14:19
Sometimes K replies to you in the evenings though, doesn't she? Don't worry about that you KNOW K isn't go anywhere. She is there for you for as long as you need her. Maybe your therapist just hasn't checked her email, or hasn't had time to reply yet? I am currently convincing myself this is why El doesn't reply instantly, and not that she hates me.
I hate nosebleeds. I had loads the other week. Sounds yucky.
Keep your chin up, and I hope this afternoon goes better for you.x
Ooh my sister used to be forever getting nosebleeds when we were kids but I haven't had one.
I take it, it has stopped now or are your dripping all over the computer.
How frustrating is it waiting to hear from e-mails you've sent - if you don't hear from them tomorrow do you think you will ring.
Hope you hear something later mate.
Piglet xxx
"Supposing a tree fell down, Pooh, when we were underneath it?" said Piglet.
"Supposing it didn't," said Pooh after careful thought.
Hi Piglet and Hannah
My nosebleed has stopped now thanks!
There is no reply yet from the clinic or from K.
K said if she didn't get an email this morning she is going to send a letter by post instead. I am not brave enough to ring.
Hope you're both OK this afternoon
Karen x
Hi Karen,
Hope you're feeling a bit better now. I'm still thinking of you. Glad the nosebleed stopped, hope the headache has gone now too. It's good you got some sleep.
How are you feeling this evening?
Hi Piglet - Well done for doing the exam, thanks for explaining how it works. Lol at you doing it just like school - does that mean you had the answers written on the back of your tie or up your arm! lol. If I did an exam at home I'd be scared that I would be tempted to look up answers, not that I'm a cheat really [}:)]
More beauty products! Must smell nice in your house Lol. I go through phases of trying out new stuff and revamping what I use. There are some lovely natural things about now, only trouble is now I have to find non scented products it limits the choice a bit. Have fun pampering!
Lisa x
Hi Lisa
I am feeling very tired after hardly any sleep and have another headache.
K apparently phoned the clinic today to speak to the lead nurse but she is off sick and so K was told to try again tomorrow. So nothing is going to happen with that any time soon I shouldn't think.
I am still feeling rather low after yesterday. Just want to be with K but she is just pushing me towards the clinic.
Karen x
Hi Karen,
Sorry you feel so bad today, I hope you get some sleep tonight. Hope the head gets better too.
I'm glad K is trying to help with the clinic by phoning them and now writing. K is only pushing you towards the clinic as she wants to see you get the help you need.
Take care, thinking of you.
Night Night [|)],
Lisa x
Thank you Lisa.
I am feeling very tired but not able to switch off enough to sleep. My headache is getting worse again.
K was going to write but I think she's been concerned about me the last couple of days and is trying to get things moving with the clinic. I know I've not been good and yesterday was particularly difficult. I keep trying to maintain regular eating but I can't cope with the way the anorexia causes these constant battles in my head.
I just wish it would stop.
Karen x
Hi Karen,
How are you today? I hope you slept and that the head is better.
I can understand why K is concerned the last few days, but it's only because she cares and wants you to get some help from the clinic.
Still thinking of you.
Sorry this is short but must get ready for work,
Lisa x
Morning mate,
How are you today???
Piglet xxxxxxxxxx
"Supposing a tree fell down, Pooh, when we were underneath it?" said Piglet.
"Supposing it didn't," said Pooh after careful thought.
Hi Piglet & Lisa
I am not feeling too good today and have been in bed all morning. I have another migraine and also woke feeling sick and with stomach cramps.
There was a letter in the post today which was sent on 3 January but I only received today because of the mail redirection. It's from the social worker from the CMHT telling me she would be visiting me at home today - except they still have my old address fortunately - because I cancelled the last appointment with her and didn't make another one.
She also said I was due to start treatment at the clinic on 3 January which is totally not true. This was the date I was funded from but not when I was due to start there. It makes it sound like I am not co-operating or turning up to any appointments when this isn't the case.
Now I am terrified what they will do next. I am panicking too much to ring them and I don't want to see anyone from there anyway.
Karen x
Don't panic hun - just write it down on paper how it panned out and either send it or e-mail it to her.
You haven't done anything wrong mate it's more a case of a few crossed wires etc so don't let it worry you.
How the tum now??
Piglet xxxxxxxx
"Supposing a tree fell down, Pooh, when we were underneath it?" said Piglet.
"Supposing it didn't," said Pooh after careful thought.
Hi Piglet
They don't have email. I was going to write and explain but am just worried about what she might do in the meantime. I just hope she doesn't turn up here. I only gave my doctor my new address last week but now I wish I hadn't.
My stomach is a little better now thanks. I am sitting in bed with a hot water bottle. Just feeling really tired still and my head still hurts.
How are you today?
Karen x
Hi Karen,
I hope you're feeling a bit better now. I'm really struggling to think of something constructive to say, I'm selfishly too wrapped up in myself and my appt later.
However I am thinking of you still.
Lisa x
You are not being selfish at all Lisa. Thank you for taking the time to post.
Karen x
Stay in bed then hun and what about a hot drink???
Hugs Piglet xx
"Supposing a tree fell down, Pooh, when we were underneath it?" said Piglet.
"Supposing it didn't," said Pooh after careful thought.
Hi Piglet
I am still in bed [:I]. Still feeling very tired and washed out.
Have just had a couple of rice cakes with some scrambled egg, and I'm drinking loads of water. I don't often have hot drinks or anything except water.
Karen x
Hannahlou84
12-01-06, 18:36
Hope you are feeling a bit better for the rice cakes. Even though it was food which upset my tummy yesterday I still kind of felt better for eating, well, in my head anyway.
This is the first time mine has been this bad, and I honestly don't know how you've done it for so long.
Take care of you, and don't worry about having spent a day in bed. What would you have been doing anyway? x
Hi Hannah
Thanks for your reply.
Unfortunately my head is worse when I eat, or at least the messages from my anorexia make me feel so much worse. I can't help wishing I had never started eating again. I was in control before, whereas now I feel constant despair at what I am doing to myself.
I am trying to do what is good for my physical health but I am so distressed by eating that I want to starve myself again. I am finding it so hard to deal with this constant conflict.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Well done for the scambled egg and rice cakes.
There are a lot of bugs around at the moment (a lot kids off at school I believe) do you think it's that or your tummy complaining it's not getting enough??
Either way stay where you are until you feel stronger.
Got a bit of a headache myself - I don't think I have drunk enough today it's one of those sort!
Big hug hun.
Piglet xxx
"Supposing a tree fell down, Pooh, when we were underneath it?" said Piglet.
"Supposing it didn't," said Pooh after careful thought.
Hi Karen,
Sorry you're feeling so ill still, but a huge well done for the scrambled eggs and rice cakes, that's brilliant.
I hope you get some sleep tonight, still thinking of you.
Lisa x
Thank you for the replies.
I am feeling sick again now which I think is as a result of eating.
Piglet - I don't think it is lack of food or a bug. Eating gives me stomach pains and I don't think I've really helped myself with the number of times I have taken quantities of laxatives.
I hope your headache is better by the morning. Being dehydrated isn't one of my problems with the amount of water I drink!
Lisa - Thank you. I hope I sleep tonight too. Part of my problem is probably being dependent on sleeping pills that are no longer as effective as they were to start with.
I am trying to make sure I get some protein each day, which is still an alien concept to me. I also want to avoid bread as I was eating far too much of this. I thought I'd try rice cakes as an alternative. No matter what I do I still crave sugar though.
Karen x
Hannahlou84
13-01-06, 03:50
Hi Karen,
You have to remind yourself that you weren't in control before--the anorexia was. You are more in control now than you have been for a long time, you just aren't seeing it like that because of the anorexic thoughts.
This will all get so much easier for you once you start getting proper treatment (once they pull their fingers out! Pardon the expression!)
I am really proud of you for doing as well as you have alone, and any victory however small is significant in this "war", the more battles you win the easier it becomes to win the war, cliche I know, but you are doing this Karen, and I think I speak for everyone who knows you when I say we are behind you all the way.
Lots of hugs,
Han x
Hi Hannah
Thanks for your reply. I just don't feel in control now whereas I did before I started eating. I still cannot help wanting to go back to the way I was before I started eating.
Now I am not sleeping again either, even with sleeping pills.
I think I need some exercise to combat the calories I'm taking in through eating and and thinking about getting an exercise bike or something.
Karen x
Good morning hun,
Does your tummy feel any better today??
Pigletxx
"Supposing a tree fell down, Pooh, when we were underneath it?" said Piglet.
"Supposing it didn't," said Pooh after careful thought.
Hannahlou84
13-01-06, 09:39
Morning Karen,
You know as well as I do that an exercise bike is not the way forward, don't you? You are barely consuming enough calories to warrant sitting on one right now really. Perhaps this is something to look at when you are better? A way of keeping toned (as they are intended) rather than losing calories which are needed to keep you going.
Sleeping tablets do become less effective the more they are used, it's the way it goes, but again, this will hopefully become a lot easier once you start to get better. I know everything seems to be riding on improvement, and I guess somehow it is. But it is also important to remember that you are getting there. That when you are behaving rationally you WANT to be there too.
Take care, and I hope today is a better day for you. x
Hi Piglet & Hannah
My tummy was better for a time last night but now it's bad again. I've been awake all night too and didn't want to be back in this sleeping during the day pattern.
Still have a migraine too.
Maybe I should just try and stay up all day but right now I am tempted to watch the video again.
When I finally get to the clinic they'll think I am completely mad as K has even told them of my obsession with watching this film.
I am eating too much, gaining too much weight and getting even fatter so I think I do need an exercise bike. It's either that or cut back on what I'm eating again.
I just feel very self-conscious now and don't want anyone to see me looking like this. I want to hide away.
Karen xx
Morning Karen,
Sorry you're having another bad morning, I have been thinking of you.
I'm sorry you still haven't slept, you must be exhausted now. I hope the tummy and migraine are getting better.
Don't watch the video again, you know it's not helpful. If you watch that video I am going to google heart problems! Lol. Shall we make a pact, no film for you and no googling for me?
The clinic will not think you're mad at all Karen, they will just see you as someone that needs help with a nasty illness. It's good that K has told them all the details as that will help them to help you.
You don't need an exercise bike, you are too exhausted and weak to be able to use that without it making you ill. You don't need to cut back on your eating either, you're not having enough to eat as it is, you body needs fuel. If it doesn't get it you will get iller and feel even worse.
If Edie is telling you otherwise she is wrong, try and challenge her. I do realise this must be so hard, especially when you are tired and feel ill.
Hang in there Karen, I am thinking of you. Big hug.
Lisa x
Hi Lisa
Thanks for your message.
I have not been too good today at all but it is because I am eating that I am feeling bad. I realise people think it is my imagination but I am gaining weight and it is because I am eating too much and craving the wrong foods.
I really hate this and want it to stop. I don't know how much more I can take. It is like Edie has stopped trying so hard to finish me off by getting me to starve myself, but now instead she is making me crave sweet things and binge. The distress over my increasing weight is causing me to feel suicidal again. I can't handle it. I want to be how I was before I started eating. At least I had some control then.
Sorry Lisa, I've already been watching the video. Something has got to help me get rid of the urge to binge. I am so weak and I hate myself for it.
I am really sorry to everyone reading but I've been out for more laxatives which is why I am suffering so much now and I deserve to be ill. At least if I am ill I not able to eat.
At the weekend I was originally considering attending another of the hypnosis workshops that my therapist runs but now I am too ashamed to be seen by anyone. I know being here alone doesn't help but I can't let anyone see me like this. It is so terrible.
Karen x
Hi Karen,
It's my turn to give you a big (((hug))) now. What a bad day we are both having, I wish I was nearer, I would visit you and we could cheer each other up.
Karen I think you know the video and laxatives are not the answer, the laxatives will only make you iller, you know that. You don't need to be sorry, this is an illness and not your fault. You need to challenge Edie but I do understand you feel awful and this must be so hard. I can understand the panic you feel and how you believe things in your mind, I have similar when I convince myself of health worries. I nearly went out and spent a fortune on a blood sugar testing machine this afternoon, but somehow I didn't. Suicide is not the answer, things can get better with time and the right help. You have so much to offer, I for one don't know what I'd have done without you the last few days.
The hypnosis workshop sounds good, why not give it a go? I know you feel ashamed but honestly you are seeing yourself in such a distorted way right now honestly, you're not seeing yourself how others would see you.
The sugar cravings are due to the fact that you have been starving and using laxatives, your body is crying out for fuel.
Hang in there Karen, we're all here for you.
Has K posted a letter to the clinic now?
Take care,
Lisa x
Everything I would have said has been said by Lisa.
I'll give you a whopping hug instead though - be careful now we don't want any broken bones.:D
What are k's thoughts on the current position???
Pigletxxxxxxxxx
Thank you guys.
Lisa: Thank you for the hug. We do both seem to be having a terrible day. It would be lovely if we lived closer and could visit. I recognise I am not helped by the fact that I am alone so much but I don't have any choice right now.
Some part of me does know that I am making things worse for myself with the laxatives and I suppose watching the video isn't healthy. I think I overdid the laxatives today too. I did take more than usual because my body seems to get used to the amount I take and they become less effective. I am ashamed to say that I took half the packet today and so it is my own fault that my stomach is swollen and sore tonight. I've stopped running to the loo but am experiencing other side effects of overdosing on the laxatives.
Well done for resisting the temptation to buy the sugar testing kit. That is a fantastic achievement considering the way you've been feeling. I often want to abuse laxatives and was using them daily at one time. However, I now panic and take an increasing number but not daily. I have flushed the rest away but they are so easy to get hold of again [Sigh...]
Sorry I didn't mean to upset anyone and wasn't saying I am going to commit suicide. I just have the thoughts about it and feel so desperate to stop this that at times I want to die so it will all be over. I coudn't hurt my family and friends by going through with it though.
It is really kind of you to say I've helped and I am glad to be able to do anything I can to help.
I don't know about the weekend workshop. I did really want to go, particularly as the next one after this isn't until April and I might get the chance to have a brief chat with Jill, my therapist. The way I'm feeling at the moment though I am not sure I can face seeing anyone else. Socialising is difficult for me anyway but now I feel so bad about myself it is even worse.
K suggested I go anyway and that I am no one sees me the way I see myself. I can see every roll of fat and I have no clothes I feel comfortable wearing anymore. Nothing is baggy enough for me to hide under.
I don't think the sugar cravings are needing food because I've been eating. Plus I keep being so pathetically weak and give in to the sugar cravings. I hate this illness, but more than that I despise myself.
Yes, K emailed the clinic yesterday but I don't know what's happening. She said she thinks I need to start treatment there as soon as possible.
Piglet: K thinks I am caught up in completely irrational and delusional thoughts of anorexia again and that I am also experiencing severe body dysmorphia. I think she is rather concerned about my levels of distress due to this latest crisis and that's why she's been pushing ahead with trying to sort things out with the clinic. The lead nurse is (or was) off sick though so I don't know what's happening.
I just think everything would be alright if I hadn't started eating.
Karen x
Hi Nigel
Thanks for your post.
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">I don’t think pills work like that. If were to go to the doctors and he gave me a week’s course of tablets to cure an illness, do you think it would cure me that much faster if I took them all at once to save time [8)]</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
Unfortunately I wasn't taking the pills to 'cure' me. I take them to try to get rid of the food and as a way of punishing myself I suppose.
I don't look fine. I am fat and it doesn't really matter whether anyone notices because I still know I am fat and still despise myself for being like this.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
With the tablets hun why do you have to take so many at once???
K is right and I don't know what to add to that but I want you to remember again, that every day brings the opportunity for a fresh start and a new way of thinking.
We all care so much about you and so wish you could see yourself how we do!!!
Love Piglet xxxxxxxxx
Hi Karen,
I hope you're feeling a bit better tonight.
Well done for getting rid of the rest of the laxatives, I hope they haven't left you feeling too ill. I had to take some years ago when I had a barium enema test and the hospital gave me really strong ones, it was horrible. It can't be good for you to do that regularly, especially as you have so little food in you to get rid of anyway. You need those vital nutrients from the few things you do eat.
I think K may be right in what she is saying about the body dysmorpia and the delusional thoughts, she is also right to be helping you to get to the clinic if possible to get some help.
No need to apologies Karen, you didn't upset anyone by saying how you were feeling, it's just that we all care about you so much and it's hard when you feel like this and we don't know how to help you. All I can say is I am here for you and thinking of you.
If you feel physically well enough try and get along to the workshop, wear you new baggy sweatshirts if you feel you need to but just try and go, it may help, and it would be good to see Jill wouldn't it? People really won't even notice how you look, remember you are seeing yourself very differently to everyone else right now. You are not fat in any way, not to anyone, only to Edie and we all know she is wrong.
I hope you get some sleep tonight and feel better tomorrow.
Another big hug for you (if Piglet hasn't already squeezed too hard Lol).
Lisa x
Hi Piglet
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">With the tablets hun why do you have to take so many at once???
</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
The number increased gradually over the past few months. I started off taking the recommended dosage a couple of times a week, then every day and then the number started increasing because my body got used to them and I also want to get a dramatic effect so I can feel empty. I am not taking laxatives daily now but whenever I have a crisis like today, I cannot resist temptation to abuse them again.
I would make myself throw up too if I could. It's not through lack of trying but I've managed it a couple of times.
I suppose there is an element of wanting to harm myself and believing I deserve to harm myself.
Thank you so much for your continued support. It does mean such a lot to me.
Karen x
Hi Lisa
My stomach is a little better now thank you. I am just feeling washed out, tired and am still beating myself up for my actions today.
I keep making the big gesture of getting rid of the laxatives and I try so hard to resist the temptation to buy more and abuse them again but I end up giving in on days like today. I suppose the only thing I can say is that I am not using them daily now but that's not much of an improvement.
You're right that it isn't pleasant and today is the worst I've felt afterward for a while, but it's my own fault. No one forces me to take them. I resort to using them whenever I've eaten too much and particularly when I've eaten bad foods or when I have binged.
I understand the theory of body dysmorphia but I just find it so hard to accept that what I am seeing is not how I really am. I know what I see and there is so much disgusting fat. I know there is.
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">All I can say is I am here for you and thinking of you.</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
And that's enough Lisa. Just knowing people care means such a lot and not to be judged negatively for what I am doing to myself.
Thank you for the hug.
I think I will see whether I sleep and how I feel in the morning. I can always go along a bit later I guess if I am not feeling up to going first thing - I'd have to leave here quite early to get there in time for the start. It would be good to see Jill. I am just so ashamed of myself and how I look. I want to hide.
Karen x
Hannahlou84
13-01-06, 22:49
Hi Karen,
I know noone here is going to convince you that you aren't fat. I am not going to bother to try, because I know you won't believe it. However, with your understanding of what is going on with you, you can use rationality to challenge this in small ways. You know that based on BMI etc you are underweight so realistically noone else will view you as fat, at all. People with relatively high BMIs in the normal range would not even be considered fat, so no need to worry about that. Also, I am sure that none of your clothes are yet tight enough to reveal anything, so there is no need to worry about that either, something that you will know about/believe, yet again, other people will not see.
I think this day out would do you good, hun. Particularly if you get to speak to Jill or others who could help you. I would still consider it.
And don't worry about the laxatives, you can't undo the past, and you have been a lot better recently, so maybe try and let it go?
Sorry, I am crap at this! Thinking of you,
Hannah x
Hi Karen,
I'm glad the stomach is a little better. Don't beat yourself up for today, what's done is done now and tomorrow is a new day. It is good you're not using laxatives daily now.
I know you don't believe the dysmorpia, but it's the anorexia that stops you seeing how you really are, it makes you believe you are fat when you're not. You may believe you see fat but it isn't there, it's just that nasty Edie tricking you again.
I hope you do get along to the workshop tomorrow, even if you go later.
I hope you get to sleep,
Night night,
Lisa x
Hannah - no you are not!
However, I am sure you know that rationality goes out of the window when dealing with eating disorders and I do still believe I am fat. My BMI now is way too high for my liking and considering what it was at one point. I can't help being desperate to get back to somewhere nearer what I think my ideal BMI is and right now I am so far from being there.
I know I have gained loads of weight and I daren't even try most of my clothes on anymore. All I will wear now are jogging trousers and baggy tops. I don't even get dressed at home if I don't have to. I don't want to see all the fat on my body. I need to get rid of it.
Don't know about tomorrow still. I'd quite like to see Jill but then might not get a chance to talk to her anyway and I am very tired. I think I'd rather spend the day in bed really.
I am using laxatives less often but when I do use them I take more each time. If only I could stop eating then I wouldn't need to take them at all.
Thanks for replying.
Karen x
Thank you Lisa. Hope you sleep too.
If I do go tomorrow I'll try to post before I leave if I get up early enough. I may take my laptop and get online at the lunch break if there is a signal for my data card there.
I am just going to see if I sleep and if I wake up early. I don't think I am going to get up specifically to go as I need the sleep.
Just wish I hadn't gained any weight and then I wouldn't be in this state now.
Goodnight.
Karen x
Mornin:)
Just wondered if you managed to go???
Love Piglet xxxxxxxxx
"Supposing a tree fell down, Pooh, when we were underneath it?" said Piglet.
"Supposing it didn't," said Pooh after careful thought.
Hi Karen,
Like Piglet I was wondering too? I hope you slept well and managed to go to the workshop. If not I hope you're having a good rest instead. It's a really miserable day here today, grey and drizzly.
I hope you're feeling better today, thinking of you.
Lisa x
Hi Lisa & Piglet
I am at the workshop although I almost didn't come. It was only because the postman woke me up early that I thought I might as well try to make it here for some company and distraction.
It's the lunch break now and I am connected throught the data card on my laptop. I feel so stupid though because I haven't been able to talk to anyone all morning, not even Jill really. And then some people, including Jill and Mark, stayed in the room for lunch. I wanted to be alone so I could come on here without drawing attention to myself, so I panicked and couldn't get my laptop out or do anything.
Eventually I had to get out of there and so I am now sitting in the car typing this. It is so pathetic [Duh!]
Just feeling really self-conscious and unable to interact or communicate. I feel I am the fatest person there and I am so bad and such a failure because of it. I am probably just in the way and shouldn't have come.
This is the worst I have coped on any of these workshops that I've been on. At least I have been able to talk to someone before, even if it was only Jill at the first one I attended. It is because I feel so bad about myself. Now I want to curl up and hide.
Karen x
Hi Karen,
Well done for making it to the workshop, that's great. Don't worry if communicating is hard, you're there, that's all that matters. It takes alot of courage to go there feeling like you do, so this is a success ok.
You are not in the way there (no one will think this) and have every right to be there. I'm sure you're not the fattest person there either, probably the thinnest, you're just seeing yourself differently again.
I hope the rest of the workshop goes ok, is it interesting/helpful?
Take care, thinking of you this afternoon.
Lisa x
Thanks Lisa.
I have to go back now - wish I hasn't stupidly spent half the lunch break panicking.
I do seriously believe I am the fattest person here and that everyone thinks I am so rude for not speaking to anyone.
Just want to be invisible.
Karen x
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