View Full Version : Stupid behaviour... I can never keep a man
I worry so much about new men.
I've had a few boyfriends and there are no shortage of new opportunities. But recently I keep seeming to mess it up.
Perhaps secretly I don't even want to be with these people. I have no love for any of these men that I have met. I lack motivation to chase girls because I have no confidence with them. I know I can get men to want me - it's so easy.
The one I've been playing around with recently is a very sexy metal vocalist. Kissing him feels like being under a waterfall. Physically we're amazing together. I find him interesting too. I see him as a lover rather than a boyfriend. I've only known him a couple of weeks anyway. I wish I hadn't slept with him.
I give myself away too easily. I always think that this will be one to keep, and a couple of weeks later it falls apart again.
I have my doubts about him - although he owns his own house which is impressive for a young man, it's so messy it ought to be on those reality TV shows. And he's an alcoholic who doesn't eat. Because of this, he's been ill and can't recover.
So he cancelled on me, last minute, for Valentine's day. I was really building up to it. I tried to persuade him but he wouldn't come. I was angry so I sent a snipey text saying something like 'ah well, girls like me don't have to wait around for long'. To which he just replied 'harsh'. 'Harsh to not be here on valentine's day' I said. I cried, painfully.
Then he sent a long text about it not mattering what day it was, that he was ill, and not to give him shit about it. (My ideal certainly wouldn't use the word shit like that and would call me to apologise about letting me down rather than just texting. Let me reiterate - he was ill today because he was drinking heavily last night when he knew he was ill and it was bad for him).
That text made me feel relieved - he must still sort of care if he's angry. I sort of want him to be angry at me. But then I want him to strangle me too.
I eventually apologised, said I hoped he felt better, all that. But I'm not going to be surprised not to hear from him again. I want him for his body. I don't want him for a boyfriend. It shouldn't be that important to me. But I haven't felt turned on for quite a while before him. I can't get turned on when I'm alone. I need sex - it makes me feel so much better. And if I like him, it means I'm not gay, which is one way to define myself.
I want to take it all back. I want to track down his work and bring him a sandwich for lunch. Or maybe I'll send him flowers. Or maybe I'll post him his Valentine's card that I made for him.
I mean, I've still got options. There are men who like me.
The last one was a bit too cool for school. I liked him. He was a writer and a musician and outwardly very good for me. But he played it too cool. And I was constantly worried that he was seeing someone else as well, since it was still early days. He texted me occasionally, and when I replied, often with a question, he'd never reply to it. What's the point of that? I wrote him a stupid romantic email. I got carried away. He didn't seem to care that much. I gave up on him. I met this other guy and then he still texted me sometimes... sometimes I text back but not always. He's too cool about it all.
With me - I'm not cool. I'm passionate and fiery. I want arguments. I want intensely romantic affairs. I hate playing it cool games. I hate having to calculate things. I do things how I feel. Where is the person who will welcome that?
On the other hand, I've found out I'm really not a geek. I went to a geek party yesterday and I felt really out of place. I wasn't the loser at school.
Anyway, that's probably enough! What I mean to say is, I worry so much and I overthink these new sparks. I hope so much they'll be good relationships that I kill them before they've begun.
I want to win the metal singer back, but it's more like he's my toy. I want to play with him until I get bored. I know we're not right for one another, and perhaps it's better for both of us to leave it. But instinctively I want him back in my arms.
I think I'll write him a letter and put it in an envelope with the valentine's card and send it up to him in his work... like in films... maybe with a cookie.
I'm very tense right now. I've mucked up again with stupid stupid texts. Instant communication affords me not having to calculate anything. But I don't want to be like everyone else and play it cool.
I wish I wasn't alone tonight.
I haven't seen you around for some time Lior...
I hope you won't take my honesty as criticism but I know you like discussing how you feel and you were open-minded about my comments on your other thread in the depression forum.
You're obviously very angry. Angry at yourself and at others. But I think that at the heart of all this lies a very controlling nature. You seem to want everything to go your way all the time and I think you could have the propensity to push and scare people away. Perhaps we could say this is your intense and "fiery" nature but I think it's still a cover for control.
You're perhaps a very attractive girl - I don't know - but using sex as a substitute for happiness will lead to unhappiness. As you say, it's like a new toy. A distraction. But new toys become old ones and it's a constant exploitation of yourself and others. I also understand that your sexuality may cause confusion but once you find someone to love, it doesn't matter whether they're male or female. Love is love.
This is a very brave post. You've been very honest in some ways but I think you're deceiving yourself in others.
Just my view...
BabyRachel
15-02-10, 07:27
I agree with Melancolia. I don't mean to cause you upset. But really, love is love. Love doesn't work because of what sex you are. Love is deeper than that. I think you need to work on your identity issues and accept them. Perhaps therapy could help?
You're exactly right Melancholia... I hate myself for being so manipulating. I don't want to want to be in control. Through experience it seems like manipulating men is the one thing I can do pretty well. I can't even control myself. I wish I could not feel like I have to exert control.
This guy is nothing to do with love... I don't think I've ever loved anyone outside my family. I've been in love a lot but yes, that fades. I don't intend to love him, I want him like wanting a pair of high heels. It's shallow and sordid and horrible.
But then, for someone that has had sex against her will a few times, surely it's not surprising to want to cling on to something that feels good?
I'm in therapy but these things take a long time to unravel.
And you're right about sex too. It doesn't make me happy. It's a desperate attempt at happiness. The happiest I've been all week was holding him as we waited for the tram at night.
Ughh, I am this shallow control freak person right now. But how can I change when my desires are the same?
Re: manipulation.
Hi Lior, you are obviously an intelligent woman (and that is not patronizing) and i can see your mind racing as you type, but can i say something about the pain of manipulation. I was very depressed in the 90s and my wife thought i'd let her down. She started an affair with a guy who faked a friendship with me to be near. I also worked for him, and they spent 7 years getting me to be in places (work, shopping, DIY, fishing!) so they could get time together. Finding out destroyed me, i was so stupid, so malleable. I was theirs, i was pathetic. It left me a hollow man. Please accept my comment, it is in no way a judgement, i suppose we all do it to some extent, it just strikes me from the style of your prose that you are capable of something seriously good. God that sounds patronizing too, but i'm trying to say something constructive. Good luck.
I'm glad you never took what I said the wrong way. After all, we all have our own demons to deal with and none of us are anywhere near perfect (and that's if you believe there IS such a state, which I very much doubt).
I don't want to want to be in control. Through experience it seems like manipulating men is the one thing I can do pretty well. I can't even control myself. I wish I could not feel like I have to exert control.
I'm sure you're competent at other things too. Perhaps you haven't discovered what they are. Manipulating others can also be an art - but unfortunately it comes at a high price.
This guy is nothing to do with love... I don't think I've ever loved anyone outside my family. I've been in love a lot but yes, that fades. I don't intend to love him, I want him like wanting a pair of high heels. It's shallow and sordid and horrible.
I do understand how you feel but "owning" a person can never be compared to something like a pair of shoes. Shoes haven't got feelings. You can't hurt a pair of shoes. And a pair of shoes can't hurt your feelings either (unless someone bashes you with them!). We can't own ANYONE. Sex is something that's shared. The other person always has the free will to walk away.
But then, for someone that has had sex against her will a few times, surely it's not surprising to want to cling on to something that feels good?
I'm not unsympathetic to your past and what you've been through, but you can't punish others (including yourself) for someone else's mistakes. Move on from all that. Yes, I know it's easy for ME to say, and I'm not suggesting it happens over night, but for your own sake. We can't forget but we can make the effort to forgive ourselves and circumstances that were out of our control.
And you're right about sex too. It doesn't make me happy. It's a desperate attempt at happiness. The happiest I've been all week was holding him as we waited for the tram at night.
No it doesn't make us happy on its OWN, but I'm not saying that it's not PART of love and relationships! It's the sharing that's important. When you were holding him you were sharing. The feeling of compassion, caring and not being alone.
Ughh, I am this shallow control freak person right now. But how can I change when my desires are the same?
I wouldn't say you're shallow because you have enough insight to see a lot of things. Shallow people are very unaware people. They do things and never think twice. They would never delve into anything below the surface because the surface is where they always reside.
You seem to be making progress in some areas and I do agree that it can be a slow process. Go for the things you want but bear in mind that people aren't objects that can be owned, used, then discarded. And no matter how good you get at that game, there's always someone, somewhere that's better than you and will beat you at your own game.
There's so much more in life that can make you happy. It's not for me to say what they are but in time I'm sure you'll discover them.
I really think you are substituting love and Intimacy for Sex.after all it brings a warmth and closeness ,be it only temporarily ,,Deep down all you want is to be loved .. .But I dont think you like what you are doing or the person you have become ?...Deep down you are vunerable and try to be in control because .I suspect like many you are frightened about getting hurt ? .Instead you are leading a pointless lifestyle ,using sex as a weapon and to entice men will only bring you what you are trying to avoid .It will also bring you a loathing about yourself .I dont know your history but I would suggest you try to be in control ,because you are in fact trying not to be controlled yourself .?. Try to be the person you really are and you will find happiness Sleeping with men you dont care about ,will only make you unhappy .I think you need to forgive yourself and learn how to accept and like yourself .I hope your therapy helps you do that .. t/c Sue xx
I give myself away too easily. Hey, call me... :yesyes:
:noangel: What? What did I say?
Look, I can't be responsible all the time!
I'd suggest suzy-sue has it about right though.
Wow, I really appreciate how seriously you guys take this. I say things and people just don't seem to react.
I've actually been much happier in the last couple of days. I didn't want it to end with that guy and I thought it was because I wanted to win. I wrote in the middle of a piece of paper 'I still want to do all these things with you' and drew all the stuff we talked about doing together, and stuff like seeing his smiley eyes... and then I realised that I actually really do like him; he's more than just a toy to me. I only want to be with him. I found out where he worked and personally delivered it, and got the doorman to put it on his desk.
And that was purely for itself - I wanted to make him happy rather than win him back. I wasn't thinking about the consequences. I wanted to do it for its own sake. It wasn't part of a ploy.
So surely I can't be as awful as I think I am. Maybe I was in that moment, when I wrote that. I don't feel quite like that anymore.
Squeaky: It sounds like you were in an awful situation. But remember not everyone is like that! There are people who just could never have affairs in the world. If that happened to me I would lose so much faith in people, but I KNOW there are good people that exist, so I hope that you're still hopeful :)
I'm probably capable of doing something seriously bad too. I like to think that I caught myself in this case just in time.
Sue: Sounds like you know what you're talking about. I'm like that sometimes, but then I change a lot. The boyfriend I lost my virginity to was a control freak; it was a pretty bad relationship that I couldn't break out of. He was an oppressor. He used to make me have sex with him when I didn't really want to. I learnt not to argue. It set the normal. Perhaps it has something to do with it. I cared about him... still sex made me unhappy then.
I have no idea who the person I really am is, especially since I change so much.
Gary: Sleazebag :P
Melancholia: I'm almost scared about your dissection of what I wrote!! It's a bit daunting to even look at!
Ok, basically, that first serious boyfriend I talked about, he made me believe that he owned me, I was his girl. There was no alternative. And it set the norm. I used to pretend I was a doll so I didn't have to feel anything. 'Shoes haven't got feelings.' It was how I coped. I wouldn't have related it back to that relationship if it wasn't for your comments.
The first step to moving on is understanding why I behave like this, and I think I'm closer to that now. I don't want to inflict pain on other people for what's happened to me - I've been punishing myself. My therapist said it's a step forward to want to hurt other people. I direct all my anger back inside. It's unhealthy. So in a way, it's actually a good thing that I expressed some kind of anger. It was better than self harming.
Now, if you can, please can you explain to me the difference between using someone and being in a relationship? Isn't a relationship just two people using each other? You're both not alone, you're each others' ego boost, you both get to have sex. What's the difference between that and a relationship? I feel really sad asking that but I've never had the kind of relationship that everyone seems to idealize.
Hi, I am going to be my usual blunt self here so don't take offence.
It seems to me that your opinion of yourself has been inflated by the fact that you find it easy to get male attention. It is quite normal for a person who receives lots of attention to let it go to their head. On the other hand it seems that you don't know quite what to do with all of this attention.
A woman who comes onto men is always going to get loads of attention, as not many men always want to have to spend ages "wooing" someone, and there are times when men don't get any attention at all so they immediately respond to an opportunity.
A woman who enjoys sex or has many sexual partners will also be popular for the same reason; men are geared up to respond to certain things and we don't like farting around about it.
It seems that you see your attractiveness as some natural gift that applies only to you. The word for this is arrogance: avoid this, as it is the enemy of your social life. (In fairness I don't think you are very arrogant, it's mainly naivety.)
Some of the stuff you say and do would have caused the apocalypse if you'd done them to me. You need to be very careful what things you say and who you say them to; it's not yourself you have no respect for, it's other people. If you ever want to be happy you need to start talking to others in a respectful manner; a person who says "A girl like me doesn't have to wait for a man" or something like that, is asking to have her ego shattered in one witty comeback, followed by a one-way ticket to Dump Street Station.
Finally, the men who are more intelligent than the crowds, or who are reasonably strong willed, will not easily be taken in will probably spot you a mile off; this would explain the lack of resistance. The men who reject you do it without you ever seeing them.
Personally speaking I can read people very quickly and if I somehow ended up in the company of a girl who I thought fancied herself, there would be no way I would give her the time of day. Nobody can have everyone.
I'm not slagging you off, I'm advising you to think about the way you behave and to realise that if this carries on, you are very likely to get yourself in trouble at some point.
Woahh that was a bit strong. I'm the least vain person I know! And god I am so not arrogant, I have low self esteem... I think you've misinterpreted something somewhere. It's a bit pointless saying 'don't take offence' then saying lots of offensive things with not enough evidence. Are you modelling what you're accusing me of on someone that you know? It's not fair.
For the record, I haven't had lots of partners and I don't enjoy sex. I don't fancy myself. Surely I wouldn't have been suicidal if I fancied myself?
You need to be very careful what things you say and who you say them to; it's not yourself you have no respect for, it's other people.
Take your own advice! In fact this bit makes me angry. How dare you say that I don't respect other people. I said something stupid to one guy, which I deeply regret and apologised for. That is no basis for accusing me of not respecting people in general.
Look, I'm already in trouble, I recognise it, that's why I'm trying to work it out. But I'm afraid you haven't got me quite right here. Despite what I was thinking when I wrote that first bit, I don't behave like that all the time. Sometimes I can only see the black. I painted a worse picture of myself than how I really am. But even so, you've gone too far.
I hope you read people in real life better than you do online.
Hi Lior, I didn't mean to offend you and I apologise if my personal feelings got in the way. I was trying to make you realise that not everyone will see things the same way you do; it's a lot easier to read people in real life since on the internet all I've got to go on are your words, which are open to misinterpretation.
I also think you missed a few of my points:
Surely I wouldn't have been suicidal if I fancied myself?I must admit here that I skim-read your first post cos it made me feel pretty emotional. Otherwise i would have tried to offer some comfort, having more or less come through the fear of suicide phase myself.
What I am trying to do is caution you against the risks of looking like you are self-fancying, rather than trying to make the world feel that you are somehow vain or arrogant. I know from personal experience how hurtful it is to be called those things when it is not true.
This is a pretty deep topic. The whole relationships thing, the way we interact with the world, the way we see ourselves, the way other people see us, these are too big to deal with in one go for people in our situation.
It's not about what you say to one person; it's the way you constantly talk about men being easy, you've got plenty of opportunities etc. I am not saying you are an arrogant person, I'm saying that some things you say give the impression that you might be. I got hauled over the coals for allegedly giving a similar impression a couple of months ago.
I have been hurt badly by people like this, I was trying to make sure that you don't turn out like those girls I have known, cos you seem like a basically decent person who knows there are things wrong in her life that need to be resolved so that she can find happiness.
I was a bit blunt about pointing this out but everyone else who replied has been as nice as possible and I am just trying to add a bit of toughness to that, cos that's how I am. (I admit personal feelings influenced this.)
Hi Lior. You asked about relationships and people using each other. Ive copy and pasted some passages which say it all for me.
For me, being in a successful relationship is natural. Being in a good relationship is common, but being in a good relationship and a fulfilling one is rare. Often when we see people who share a great relationship with each other, we might think to ourselves, this is pure luck. However, what we are actually doing is trying to cover up our self, because we ourselves desire to be in a deep and intimate relationship (I feel from your first post that you really want this). Being in a good relationship is not a matter of chance but the result of some essential elements in life, which we are either lacking or aren’t aware of. When I say WE I mean the royal WE (as in everybody) by the way! I can't make a statement about you, I don't know you that personally.
First and foremost, the backbone of any good successful relationship is the existence of love (this isn't the same as lust although lust is so much fun!)).Love suffers long for people (I like this and really believe it), goes the extra mile and always has the best interest of the other person in mind. Love is the first and crucial element to any mature relationship.
Apart from the existence of love, there is also existence of honesty and respect. When we respect the other person we share a relationship with, and when we are honest in our relationships, it’s gotta be a success! It’s important to always be honest even when it hurts. Honesty will build a bridge of trust that will enable our partner or friends to open up and share the deep parts of their heart that they typically keep hidden.
An honest person also engraves in himself the quality of trust. When there is lack of trust, three major factors cause hindrance in the growth of a healthy relationship, which are insecurity, suspicion and doubts. These three factors don’t allow us to be in a state of peace and would also encourage us to ask more and more questions about unnecessary things to your partner or friend just because of insecurity, where as the issue might be nothing to worry about. I bet most people have been guilty of this one! I definately have.
Another element to successful relationship is the ability to be open to change. Everyone has different ideas, world views and perceptions about life and the ways things should be done. Many times we think our way is the best way but truthfully there is most likely a better way to something thwn we have ever done before (I famously fall foul here often though I try not to!). we need to be flexible and adjusting with the new changes and also with the changes in our partner’s emotions and mood fluctuations.
If we are one of those who possess all of the above, then we are sure to be living in a successful relationship. If not, then here is a chance for us to overcome our weaknesses and make an attempt to fill in the gaps of emptiness in our selves, which is leading to emptiness in our relationship/s not just with our partners but with everybody.
Lior, please value yourself more highly, I can feel your low self esteem hidden between the lines. A relationship isn't about taking. Imagine a relationship where two people are giving to each other all the time. How fantastic would that be?
I didn't want it to end with that guy and I thought it was because I wanted to win. I wrote in the middle of a piece of paper 'I still want to do all these things with you' and drew all the stuff we talked about doing together, and stuff like seeing his smiley eyes... and then I realised that I actually really do like him; he's more than just a toy to me. I only want to be with him. I wanted to make him happy rather than win him back. I wasn't thinking about the consequences. I wanted to do it for its own sake. It wasn't part of a ploy.
So surely I can't be as awful as I think I am. Maybe I was in that moment, when I wrote that. I don't feel quite like that anymore.
No Lior you arent ,I think its just the way you react to protect yourself It seems to me that the real you is trying to get out .Your past relationship has left you understandably confused ,about what a proper relationship is all about .
Now, if you can, please can you explain to me the difference between using someone and being in a relationship? Isn't a relationship just two people using each other? You're both not alone, you're each others' ego boost, you both get to have sex. What's the difference between that and a relationship? I feel really sad asking that but I've never had the kind of relationship that everyone seems to idealize.[/QUOTE]
The things you wrote about why you want to be with this new man Is what a relationship is all about .Wanting to do things together .Making each other happy ,Giving and just sometimes looking at each other .No motives .But a desire to enjoy each other and share ,sometimes even the bad stuff .Sex with someone you feel right about ,is so much more pleasureable and beautiful .It should be given freely through desire,choice and respect .Not forced ...No ulterior motives ..Its so sad you had such a bad experience Lior .But its never about using one another .But i think deep down you know that . ? Good luck hun Sue x:hugs:
Psychopoet: I get it. Putting out all my emotions on the internet so honestly was going to be risky anyway :) I probably got off lightly!
Smudger: I thought about the things you wrote all day today. I like the 'love suffers long for people' thing as well. Though I've got a bit jaded through some experiences, and I'm not so prepared to be long suffering. I really don't trust men either at the moment. I'm just opening myself to get hurt if I wait and do the suffering thing and then they don't want me, or they find someone else.
I think I have been in a relationship with all the things you describe, except with more: verbal and I suppose physical abuse. Things like that ought to be left out of relationships! The abuse tainted everything he gave, and it made me feel like he was trying to keep me there so he could have someone to conflict with. Is that using? Even if it's not, it wasn't very nice...
Sue: I want all those things with this man... but now I'm so scared he's changed his mind. That envelope I took to his work must have been OTT. I exposed how I felt too soon... and now I'm afraid it's over with. He said last night that he'd see me tomorrow, but I think he won't text me and I don't want to chase him because I don't want to be too much for him. I feel things so strongly and it's my instinct to act accordingly - I'm having to make a real effort to hold back. My idea is to just leave it, and not text him, and wait for him to talk to me, and hopefully miss me! But what if he doesn't? What if he's found someone else? What if he just doesn't care, and when I'm out of sight I'm out of mind? I feel like such a fool overanalysing and worrying about this.
My antidepressants don't let me cry and they don't stop my anxiety. I had the impulse to stay in the middle of the road today when I was crossing it, like I used to. I've stopped drinking completely so they're working to the full extent that they can. They allow me to not be crying all the time and to get up and do things, which I am grateful for, but they don't solve everything! Wish there was a complete cure.
Lior, I hope you don't mind me asking. Do you feel you NEED a man? Does having a partner define who you are? You sound sometimes like you ooze confidence and don't need anybody and other times you sound the opposite. I hope you don't mind me saying that its just that how the text reads to me. Maybe I got it wrong? You know sometimes if you just let things happen naturally, good things can happen to you! Can you see that? I just feel you are in so much of a rush to find true love. Can you just enjoy a relationship and have fun with no expectations. Again please forgive me if I am completely misinterpreting things.
I was brought up with the attitude that if I want something, I have to go out there and get it. I'm constantly trying to achieve things. It didn't occur to me there was another way to live until the depression hit me properly.
How on earth do you just let things happen naturally? Nothing is going to happen to me if I don't do anything first. I've got to be proactive to succeed. But it's so tiring... when I can be proactive, I can be this wonderful confident person who's generous and gets lots of work done. Then I get tired out and sleep and think and nothing happens to me. And then, I need human contact... but I don't have someone that contacts me every day. My housemates never knock on my door. My family calls maybe once a week and I have to call them if I want to speak to them. Nobody contacts me without me initiating it. I miss being missed.
So yes, at those times when I'm low, I need someone to want to talk to me. I want to be in a mutually crazy-about-each-other relationship where we talk a lot. It's not a man that I need exactly, but someone really close to me, and typically a boyfriend does that job.
Haha that's a lot of writing just to say that... sorry... basically this thread is all about me, I feel a bit selfish! Grateful too tho - did you know I scoured the internet for a better forum and didn't find anything close? This is the best one ever :) you're great guys xx
Hi lior, i miss being missed. That simple statement says so much. If someone likes you, values you, they'll contact you; because they want to hear your voice, be made happy by your smile, feel desire at seeing you, want to know your opinion, and a thousand other things. That is they'll miss you, not in some pathological way, just feel that wave of joy when they see you. If they don't then there's something wrong. I can only speak from experience, the desire for contact clouds the judgement, one ends up trying too hard and living believing that the reflection of your emotion is the real thing, till you wear yourself out. It's a cliche lior (so it's true!) when you stop looking for it you'll find it.
Hi Lior, I wanted to respond to you feeling selfish or that you may be vulnerable for being so honest.
Honesty will get you hurt at times but it is refreshing to see someone who dares to tell the truth as they see it. Honesty is rare and it's something to be proud of, especially when it comes to being honest about yourself.
There is nothing selfish about writing about yourself. You're here with a specific set of problems and you need to get them resolved. Don't ever feel that asking for help makes you selfish.
Normally women who express the same sentiments as you have at times ("I can get any man because they're easy") are creatures of ridicule for me, but you are light years above other women who are like that because you examine your own thoughts and behaviour and you are looking for what you're doing wrong. That deserves respect. It's a sign that things can and will get better for you. It's called character growth. Not everyone experiences character growth. In fact some people stay 17 years old all their lives, like my best mate lol, but that is not your fate.
Argh I wrote a reply and it all cancelled on me...
Squeaky, I hope you're wrong, because if that's what missing people is then my family don't miss me. The only one that does is my 8 year old brother (I know because of how he treats me when I'm there) but he doesn't call me. He's too young.
This new man in a similar way doesn't call me... but it's because he's afraid of it, I think. He has his own problems. I know he likes me though. We're 'exclusive' now :D :D :D he likes me enough to only like me - that's a big deal.
And thank you so much for that psychopoet, it made me feel much better :) I really hope it's character growth! I hope I'm changing for the better, not just dwelling.
Ok despite my ecstaticness the other day after I talked to the man, I'm really worried now because he hasn't talked to me all day, or most of the day yesterday, and I've sent him two texts that really required replies... I'm trying not to worry but I'M WORRIED. I know he said he's standoffish but really.... surely it doesn't take much to reply to a text... it's not like I'm calling him every hour or something like that.
I'm worried because I've opened myself to him - he makes me feel like writing songs and I wrote him some ideas for his songs, and this poem came out, which was possibly a bit too revealing of my emotional problems, and now I'm afraid he won't want me after that. Nobody is going to want a depressed person. Better to nip it in the bud. That's what I'd think if I were him.
He's going to just stop texting me and I won't see him again. It's happened to me before. More than once. I start to care and then they disappear off the face of the planet without bothering to talk about it. I cry and move on... but I'm so SICK of moving on all the time. I don't want to have to move on. Please, let this one time, let me just stay still, just for a little while.
I wish I could trust people!
I think you're over-reacting Lior. Yes, I fully agree about taking a few minutes to reply to your text. I don't like that myself. But that doesn't mean he doesn't like you. I think that says more about him than you... But who am I to judge?
Don't you think you're rushing here a bit? Just because a relationship doesn't move very quickly doesn't mean it's not going to happen. It doesn't mean it's fizzling out. I think more than ANYTHING you need to firmly establish a friendship before all the romance, passion and "ecstasy" sweeps you off into another world.
Once the romance, passion, ecstasy die down (which it inevitably does), what's left?
A relationship is never more important than the person...
I know you're right Melancholia, but I can't seem to shake my feelings. It's a big problem that I have - I'm aware of what's reasonable yet I don't feel the same way in my gut.
I'm really keen to be his good friend as well as his lover... but it requires patience, something I don't have much of! But he's worth it - I think. Still with most other men by now I would have given up - I require more attention than what he's giving. I don't like the 'treat them mean keep them keen' attitude, it works the opposite way for me.
Now I don't know whether to keep texting him occasionally or to just wait for him to talk to me. I don't want to chase him too much but I don't want to be passive either.
I know that I hugely overthink things - but this is the kind of thing I worry about. I wonder if we committed too soon. If he doesn't pay me attention now, is he going to in the future, or is this just how it is with him? I'm giving much more than I'm getting - and I think that's partly down to this thread. I got a lot more generous after talking to you guys :) I can see my attention to him as an investment but I wish I could be certain of results - I don't want to fall in love with someone by myself. Done that before and boy it isn't pretty.
Anyway, rant over, therapy in the morning, yay :) x
Still nothing!! Makes me want to drown.
Why don't you give him till mid-week then send another text. Just be natural - yourself - and say you were wondering how he was because you hadn't heard anything. But try not to be harsh or angry (or even upset). Some people don't want an intense relationship where they're living in each others' pockets. Naturally they back off. He may like you very much but just feel it's all too much, too soon. If it's going to work, you need to take the pressure off a bit. No ones asking you to change 180 degrees. It may be that you're just not compatible as lovers. In that case you must accept things and move on. But you don't know that yet. Give it a bit more time, then gently move things on by sending another text. I think you'll learn a lot from his reply - and you could be pleasantly surprised. But for the time being try and retain your composure...
You're right, argh everyone else is always right, I know you're right but I still want to have at least some communication from him, no matter how small. Being myself involves being intense. It does work with some people. I feel like I have to behave myself and hold back and constrict myself to the rules. I imagine myself bound up with black tape (which probably has some subconscious kinky connotation!) - I often have images that go with the way I feel. So, that's how I feel. Bound up.
Emotionally I'm withdrawing a bit - I was so open to him but now I want to take back some of the things I've said, since I don't mean them any more.
Seems like my heart is anyone's. My love is not valuable.
Wish I could stop obsessing and think about something else.
You cant force anyone to behave the same way as you ..It must be very frustrating But it doesnt mean your love isnt valuable ,it is ..:lac:.He seems to not be as Intense as you. and maybe hasnt thought his not replying would have this effect on you .If hes laid back in attitude ,he will not be seeing things like you do ..It doesnt mean he doesnt like you .Maybe he just like s casual relationships and isnt ready for anything else right now ?.You are regretting what you said because he didnt respond in the way you would have liked ..If you do hear from him ,you will no doubt have to go thru this again He wont change the way he is ...Perhaps it would be better to find someone as intense as you next time ,not every one is compatible even tho you both like each other ...On the other hand you may hear from him tommorow and he may have a good reason he didnt reply sooner ..Time will tell ..Take care and try to think of something else if you can ..Try to go out and do something you enjoy tommorow .. Sue x
You're right, argh everyone else is always right, I know you're right but I still want to have at least some communication from him, no matter how small. Being myself involves being intense. It does work with some people. I feel like I have to behave myself and hold back and constrict myself to the rules. I imagine myself bound up with black tape (which probably has some subconscious kinky connotation!) - I often have images that go with the way I feel. So, that's how I feel. Bound up.
Again I would question the context in which you use the word "intense". Do you mean controlling and wanting things to always go your way or do you mean being sensitive and deep emotionally? It can work with some people if it's the latter but the former will create problems in any relationship, especially if the other person is also prone to that sort of behaviour.
What are the "rules"? The rules in the sense of what the other person wants/expects or the norms of relationships set out by society? I don't think there are any rules - only the pressure people themselves feel. Everyone is different. To change yourself to suit someone else is as wrong as trying to change the other person to suit you. If you both can't be natural and "yourselves" then there's an issue with compatibility. There must be a compromise therefore to meet halfway. The important thing here is that it's mutual - that's the difference. Generally, this isn't something you sit down and discuss - it happens naturally because there's an understanding and that something people call "chemistry" or a bond.
"Black tape" ... Hmmm - that does sound appealing I must say. Sounds very S&M to me... But we'll get told off if we go into this one any deeper...
Emotionally I'm withdrawing a bit - I was so open to him but now I want to take back some of the things I've said, since I don't mean them any more.
Why don't you mean them? I don't know what you said exactly but don't dwell on it. What's been said is history - there's no reason to recant. One thing I've noticed about you that stands out is that you're very changeable in your moods. This is where I hope therapy and perhaps meds can help you.
Seems like my heart is anyone's. My love is not valuable.
Wish I could stop obsessing and think about something else.
Do you think there was love at such an early stage of this relationship? If there was then there is a good chance of it working out.
Your love is as valuable as yourself. If you don't value yourself then your love is always tainted and people will find it very difficult to love you in return.
I appreciate your level headedness Melancholia and Sue.
I think you're right about him not realising it has this effect on me. He is more laid back... but HE'S the one that's been engaged twice. I sort of trust that he can make relationships work if he's like that. I sort of trust that I can have passionate intense relationships because that's what I've done every time - and by intense I mean communicating on a deeper level, leading to that special feeling where you feel like you've known them much longer than you actually have. That's intensity.
And we do have that - but in short bursts. Then he is 'standoffish' as he put it. He told me he would be. But I need to talk to him again about that. I know I can't change him, but my therapist said you can change yourself, which changes your relationship to people, and consequentially they will change their behaviour because of the relationship - but it's not direct.
So I'm hoping by being me, and him getting to know me better, he'll change his behaviour a bit. But no, I am not intense in the controlling sense. I know I can't control him. I'm used to compromising and the other person not. I'm used to bending over backwards basically, and in return they think I'm the love of their lives, but that's only because I moulded myself into what they wanted me to be.
Finally I'm moulding myself into the person I want myself to be. It's much harder. Harder still to find the right person for me. I suppose the reason why I had so many boyfriends is because I know how to be what they want me to, based on each individual. It's quite fun - but it is an act.
I can't keep up these acts forever though. It's time to grow up.
I defined myself in terms of the relationships I had with other people - now I don't exactly know who I am. Maybe that explains some of my mood changes! I'm on citalopram and my therapist is good but... ultimately I have to work out my identity myself.
I'm thinking about how much I value myself but I can't come to a conclusion... I don't know. I value myself less than my family - I would die for any of them without hesitation. And I'm not suicidal any more. I don't value my figure and health enough, because I've been comfort eating and smoking and coffee drinking since giving up alcohol. I value my skin though - never let the S&M thing go too far... on me, at least, keeping shtum about my dominatrix tendencies...
But what is 'me'? Every part of me is 'my' this, 'my' that - my body, my mind, my soul, my skin... what bit is me? All of my bits together? If that's the case, I value bits of me more than other bits... I've been told to insure my ass like Jennifer Lopez but nobody values my elbows as much :)
Hmm this has gone into more of a musing post rather than a direct 'help me' post.
He has texted me but I'm not very hopeful of seeing him this week now. I am disappointed. But not panicked. Sad - but not depressed.
Can I ask, Melancholia, what it is you do - you're very good at dissecting what people have written and analysing it in depth. Were you an English student or something?
OK, I won't dissect your post this time!
You say so many things that it's difficult to know where you're going with this. You talk about all the "bits" making up the whole "you" and because you tend to focus on the individual "bits" you obviously lose sight of the whole. This leads to an identity crisis. So you try to fit individual bits as if they're separate from the whole. Your bum isn't separate from your body, is it? Well, the kind and altruistic lior isn't separate from the manipulating one either. You're not one "thing" - you're the possibility of many, many things. I hope you understand.
So what does valuing something mean? You treat it with respect. You don't squander it. But at the same time you don't hold onto it with greed and selfishness. I think that valuing something implies love and care. Without it I don't think you can value something. Look at the things you value most in life - perhaps your parents - and you'll see that there is love, care and attention involved in it. Not valuing money or possessions but the things in life that aren't consumable and superficial. And to value yourself means all these things too. Without them you become consumable and superficial.
Anyway, I don't know what progress you're making with your man. We seem to have entered into metaphysical questions that many, many people have argued about before us. I argued about them too when I studied philosophy and political science but I have questioned a lot of that since.
I definitely think you need an intellectually challenging man (the black tape coming a close second LOL!)...
[QUOTE=Melancholia77;
I definitely think you need an intellectually challenging man (the black tape coming a close second LOL!)...[/QUOTE]
:winks::whiplash:You offering Melancholia ? ...:roflmao:Suex:whistles:
:whiplash:I had her round last night! :woof:buttkick::emot-pinochio: :chained:
She has some very odd habits. Had to send her packing I'm afraid... :lac:
:roflmao::cupid::oopsie::doh: Sorry LIor ...didnt mean to hijack your thread ...Sue x
Haha :) overuse of emoticons much??
You're right... probably in both respects... people need someone with the same kinks as them and the same (or similar at least) intellectual level. Most of my relationships probably failed because of one of those two reasons, if we really boil it down. More the latter though.
I was thinking about the identity issue... about being lots of different parts that make one whole, and I wouldn't be who I am if even one part was different. But since I always change, my identity keeps evolving. I wish I could hold on to one thing that I could always clearly identify, no matter what happens. Well, I could say my ethnic origin, but I mean part of my personality. Maybe it is that it's ever-changing? But then, whose isn't?
You've got a good point about the value thing - I could almost use it for my essay on design! So many useless objects are manufactured nowadays that people don't value them. Everyone has them - they exist in excess. We probably use as many chairs in England in 5 years as Africa do in 20 years. Ok I totally made that up but it's quite plausible! People get rid of chairs all the time here just because they want something new. It's a problem. People need to change their attitudes towards objects if humanity is to survive. Can we do better than the dinosaurs?
Ok sorry going off topic, but it's something I really care about. With beliefs like this, in a world where hardly anyone actively thinks like that, can you see how I feel so disheartened so much of the time? I get so frustrated at society's collective attitude to 'things'. We're all brainwashed to buy buy buy - and I'm a victim as much as anyone. But this level of consumerism is just wrong - surely we can find a better way to sustain our economy than wasting energy and materials?
Today I value myself. I feel like one day I can change this and make an impact on society. I want to help people see how we can live better lifestyles. But on days where that seems like too big a goal to realistically achieve, I don't get out of bed. Changing humanity for the better is basically the reason why I am here, my meaning of life, why God put me on earth or what I have to believe to be satisfied that I have a purpose. When I don't believe I can fulfill that purpose, I don't see the point of living.
Today I believe it. If I at least have an effect on the way 10 people live their lives, I will have helped to achieve something good for the planet. But ultimately I want to reach thousands of people who will pass on the ideas. I'm not sure exactly what ideas yet... I need to find some solutions before I can shout about the problems really!
As for the man... really I prefer thinking about how I can improve lives. Did you know there's a landfill site twice the size of Texas floating in the middle of the Pacific? The man is barely talking to me. He's very busy with his band. He said he might be able to see me tomorrow, but I have a backup plan since I don't really trust him - bit of an issue really! I like him lots and I don't want to end it but something needs to change... I've already calmed myself down a lot but it means I don't care so much. I want to care.
Gosh I write an awful lot. Hope it's readable...
Lior you are fascinating...do you know that? You've given me a thread idea. A fun one...watch out!
Still nothing!! Makes me want to drown.
Holy ess aitch eye tee, that's a bit much! Play it cool, I as a man love it when a woman shows an interest in me, but you've got to remember there are a lot of women who never make the first move so it is not always common for a man to be approached or receive strong hints from a woman.
When a woman comes on to me she can do it in a way that is sweet or a way that is threatening. There is little distinction between the two because it's not something I am used to dealing with and I imagine many men are the same way. It can be scary when someone is chasing us.
I'm not saying don't do it, I'm just saying that you may be presenting him with an unfamiliar situation and he may be trying to learn how to deal with it. The more you come onto him the more likely he will freak out.
Now I'm probably gonna get people jumping on me for making generalisations or some such bum-bum. I'm not in prisoner-taking mood today just in case anyone wants a go.
Lior, I agree, you are unexpectedly deep; I say that because I initially had you pegged as arrogant, and I realise now that you are simply telling the truth as you see it. There is a lot more to you than I thought.
In some ways you actually remind me of me when I was younger. There's no such thing as "off topic" when you're talking about yourself.
Can I ask you something honestly? Have you ever had a deep or lasting friendship with a member of the opposite sex that has not had sex or romance of any kind involved?
Someone asked me that same question not long ago, so don't be offended! Your answer to that question may reveal stuff to yourself that you didn't previously know. It certainly did for me, and it has dramatically improved the way I talk to and look at the opposite sex.
Another thing you've got to remember is that you're a human being. We are all incredibly complex things; we're more than just the sum of our experiences. We live, we breathe, we think, we feel, we are. We're not just works of art, we're not just biological computers, we truly are something special. We're the first of our kind, the first sentient species - the first ones to be aware of our own existence, with the intelligence to question that existence.
What I'm trying to say is that sometimes we exist in a thousand fragments, each tuned to a different frequency. Sometimes the lights those fragments reflect as they turn in random directions is haphazard and confusing. Other times, all those fragments turn as one and for a short time they create a totality: that's when we are highly driven, when we accomplish stuff, when we begin to understand who and what we are.
The whole thing is beautiful and terrifying, but it's how we are, it's how we were intended to be. Many people never get to experience this. You have. I'm not sure where I'm going with this but then again if I could explain it, I could explain the nature of human existence... and I wouldn't do that on here for free. I'd write a book ;) (which would probably be downloaded in .txt format anyway)
hi lior,
i really like your thread here. ive found it very interesting and it has also brought back many memories for me. in a good way!
a lot has already been said, so i wont repeat or even advise here. i dont think you need it, i think you are doing a great job already at seeking your own answers. i relate very very well to your thoughts.
sex taken, not offered, can really imbed a change in the way we view the world socially, even without realising. it can take years also to resolve. i found it fascinating that a similar awful event that happened to both me and a close gf of mine, made us both go in completely different directions, even tho, we had the same underlying feelings about it.
after the events, she went on this sex education rampage. for years she thought that jelousy was a human created emotion, so she forced herself into sad situations with people she loved because she thought, sex was just sex....she thought she was in control, but she wasnt. in fact, she was so out of control she started to scare herself at what she was capable of.
pls dont get me wrong, im not saying this is you for one minute. this story just reminded me a little of your situation, i get the feeling you maybe hurt youself as you feel you may deserve it, possibley because of how you have been treated in the past?
from a similar event, i went the other way, i loved having males as friends, but became very suspicious and even sad when they expressed sexual/love interest....i thought sex was something they would either take from me, or something that was almost like them draining me of my energy for them. weird eh? it took me years to realise that sex can be fantastic and fun and that i can enjoy also and take strength from.
my very early relationships were awful. the men i dated treated me terribly! i let them because thats what i thought i deserved. i thought their limited attention told me im beautiful.....of course this is rubbish. i chose terrible ppl because i thought terribly about myself, so this is what i attracted....
if you are just seeking sex, there is nothing wrong with that, as long as you know why you want that, and are happy with it. i dont think this is you tho.
you want love and touch in your life. you want a best friend and lover...this is very different to wanting sex. maybe remind yourself what it is your asking the universe for when you seek these men. im not saying this metal man is not for you, he may be, but you need to trust, that if he is, he will be....if he is meant to be the one for you, nothing will stop that. you dont need to text him.....if he is not the best friend/lover you seek, then you need to trust that what you seek will come when the time is right. untill then, learn to love yourself, then you can be capable of giving lots of love and recieving...
you seem like a very intelligent woman, and i love your trains of thought, its a hundred miles an hour, but i get it. through all this, just dont forget to stop and breathe.....
whatever the outcome here, i support you all the way.:yesyes: yes yes emote time lololol
Just found out he lied to me. I really wanted to see him tonight. He told me he was going to do something with his band and it says otherwise on facebook. I don't know whether to hate or love technology and this fast communication right now.
But I am upset. I don't like being lied to. I've had enough from him. It's great when we're together but that's so infrequent. I think his attitude has changed towards me, and maybe you're right PsychoPoet, maybe it's that he's not used to someone being proactive with him and he's scared. Men who get scared by something like that just aren't for me! I was being a bit melodramatic with the 'I want to drown' thing but being stressed over anything can make me feel like dying sometimes - though I'm really not as bad as before.
I feel almost like a soap opera - it's horrible then it's wonderful then it's horrible again... I wish things would be constant for a while. I did the Holmes and Rahe stress scale ( http://www.mindtools.com/pages/article/newTCS_82.htm ) and I scored highly. (I scored 491 and if you score over 300 then you're likely to get ill from stress.) I wish I could have a year where not too much happens to me, so I can chill out, but I always create so much drama. It's my own fault. Things always happen to me because I make them happen, but then extra stuff happens too that I didn't count on, like opening myself too much emotionally. I really didn't mean for that to happen. And now I'm upset because I care. I feel like such a FOOL. I wrote songs and poems and stuff, and I've never been inspired to do that for anyone before, ever.
I felt like crying anyway but I started when I read 'you maybe hurt youself as you feel you may deserve it, possibley because of how you have been treated in the past?'
I had dreams where I wanted him to shout at me. I don't want to feel like I deserve to be hurt! But it makes sense. Abuse from men is familiar and almost comforting. The boyfriend I lost my virginity to used to say horrible things to me as we fell asleep together in each other's arms.
Despite me liking this new guy a lot... I don't think it's worth it any more. I think I will like other people who are better for me. Someone who pays me more attention, who doesn't see my pro-activity as a problem, who isn't an alcoholic and who has a clean house. I ask for an awful lot. But I'm young, I can afford to not find Mr Right for a good few years yet!
Of course if he does decide to see me this evening after all, I'll probably be all over him and accept his apologies without too much hesitation, because I like him and I probably don't value myself enough.
I want to be with someone that wants to see me and doesn't make up an excuse to not see me! This is ridiculous, what was I thinking?
I'm going to go to the houseparty tonight and have fun and not think about this sexy metal vocalist because there are plenty more fish in the sea - less alcoholic ones.
And PsychPoet, I did have problems finding male friends when I was younger because I went to a girl's school, but now two of my closest friends at uni are men (we are half the bi people I know!) and I had a very deep platonic friendship with another guy a few years back... I cried so much when he moved away. Actually he turned out to be bi too. Yeah, so does it really apply to me, the opposite sex thing? Because I've had close friendships with plenty of women who I haven't fancied. And I fancy women too.
Argh I don't know, what does this all mean? I don't trust people! I just don't anymore.
Anyway, I can't think any more, I feel dizzy, I need to eat. Thank you so much everyone for saying nice things :) particularly that I'm deep and intelligent! Yay!
Looking forward to that book PsychoPoet :)
I mean, what did I do wrong?? Surely being just slightly too keen doesn't warrant such lack of communication? I wasn't so overly over the top that he wouldn't like me anymore. I really wasn't. I toned down rather a lot. I did control myself. What did I do? This just doesn't seem fair - I don't understand. I'm paranoid that he's juggling other women too, and that he says the same things to all the girls.
And now I lose the potential for sex AND romance in the near future. And I have no more dates lined up because I dropped them all when this guy came along. I'm such an idiot. I don't feel like cooking any more. Think I'll cry a bit more and drink tonight. I've made it 26 days without alcohol and I don't want to do it any more. There doesn't seem to be a point. I feel depressed right now and I'm on drugs anyway, so it won't make a difference to the effect of the drugs. They can't be working that well.
I'm going to drink nice wine tonight and kiss whoever I want.
He deleted my facebook wallpost... f**k him. I am angry and upset. I cried in the shower for ages. Hit the wall so hard I'm surprised the tile didn't fall out.
Going to a party... feel self-destructive :(
Hi!
I did the Holmes and Rahe stress scale ( http://www.mindtools.com/pages/article/newTCS_82.htm ) and I scored highly. (I scored 491 and if you score over 300 then you're likely to get ill from stress.)
You beat me by 6 points. I'm sure you cheated, cos nobody gets more stressed than me except my mum
Men who get scared by something like that just aren't for me!That's most of us then lol :D I don't think some men are that confident with women, at least not the ones I know, but the people I tend to be friends with would definitely fall into the "nice guy" category. It's flattering when a woman likes us and lets us know, all I mean is that not a lot of blokes may know how to handle that attention, and some of us really enjoy it cos it doesn't happen too often so maybe some people like to draw it out a bit.
There's NOTHING wrong with opening up emotionally. I know EXACTLY what you're talking about, I used to be even more open than I am these days, and it invites hurt. So what do we do? What we need to do is learn to supply information on a need-to-know basis, you know, hold something back so that we don't tell other people everything about us in one go. In the words of Commander Tucker, "Where's the fun in exploring if you know how it all turns out?"
If you're an open natured person, at some point you are going to get hurt; that's just what happens. If you can learn to accept this, things will go better for you. Everybody who takes any part in human society is going to get hurt at some point. There is no advantage in hiding from that truth, rather you should take the attitude that "I'll handle it". There's no scary prospect that cannot be countered by the phrase "I'll handle it".
If someone has hurt your feelings, forget it and move on. There are people out there who won't hurt you. Even if you have to wait years to meet one, the wait is worth it. Don't let it wreck your weekend. In a year from today you are hardly likely to care about that person and how they made you feel.
Alcohol is one of the worst things to have in your system when going through a blip. That's all this is, a blip. A blip is a temporary worsening of your depressive and/or anxious mood. Active word, temporary. The way you react to a blip will determine how long it takes to recover from it. Try to keep in mind that your mood will slowly return to something like "normal" and in the meantime try not to get yourself in trouble, as you will regret it when your mood begins to improve. Trust me on this.
As for a lack of sex and romance, if I as a man can say "Yeah there's nothing in my immediate horizon but who cares, it'll happen one day" (and it took me a long time to be able to come to that conclusion) then I'm sure you can do the same. There is a lot more to life than sex. I can't believe I just said that, I think I am finally maturing. :huh:
hi lior,
many aploligies if i made you cry with what i said, i certainly didnt want that outcome. what i meant to say in a terribly round about ( i shouldnt write advice on here at 3am) way, was that you should rate your worth. noone else can do this. know your value and everyone else will treat you as you are really worth. this is probably badly worded as well.
know your worth a lot! this will attract people that will admire your approach, not fear it.
good luck with your endevours and i agree with poet, alcohol will not help you sort this out, all drugs only put the issues on hold till you sober up.....this i know from experience!
I made sure I didn't tell him everything about me. It's not just about knowing about me. I felt that I could be myself with him, and not try to be anything; it was just natural. It feels like I am the one who is messing it up by deciding that he doesn't talk to me enough, when really I can't blame myself for him not talking to me, he has his own issues. The only time I might have gone over the top was last night.
I tried to call him... nobody picked up... so I texted him and relievingly he sent an angry text back. I was so glad that he cared enough to be angry. Then I texted him twice, called him and left a message, and sent a long facebook message. That might have been over the top! I was drunk - I've started drinking again but I don't plan to make a habit of it. But I think I was reasonable in what I said. I've done all I can now. I've said enough. I will never have nothing left to say to him, but for now, it's enough. I really want it to work out. But maybe we just aren't right for each other emotionally.
A relationship is a two way thing, but feelings can go unrequited.
'In a year from today you are hardly likely to care about that person and how they made you feel.'
Unfortunately I will care. I still care about flings that happened three years ago. I never stop caring. I still care about those idiotic almost one night stands. I care about every romantic and sexual encounter I've ever had. I will kick myself in all the years to come for my behaviour now. So I have to remind myself how much I was giving and how little I got in return. I opened myself to hurt and I didn't care so much about getting anything substantial back... but I thought I'd get at least affection. Seems not. The only strong feeling I can inspire in him is anger.
I just read back on what I wrote to him last night and it's actually not bad despite me being drunk! But I think I asked too strongly for him to talk to me, so if he doesn't it's because he wants to be contrary and not 'give me what I want' as I imagine he thinks.
If it doesn't work out, I know I tried my best. I really did.
I know there's more to life than sex! But it still has an effect on me. Bad sex=bad memories. Someone tried to tell me yesterday that there's no such thing as a bad experience. Bull! You have to have bad experiences in life to appreciate the good ones. Sure you learn from bad experiences, but it doesn't stop you for certain from making the same mistakes again. I'm definitely guilty of that.
And peach, crying is not such a bad thing, it's an expression of emotion. I was crying because you were right and there's nothing wrong with that! I had a good time at the party last night. I was still angry and upset when I left so I dressed a bit gothic and put on really really dark lipstick, but people liked it. I was nice to people and they were nice to me. I danced, I drank, I smoked. I felt ill from it! Lol. So I stopped drinking and looked after myself. Someone kissed me and I could only think 'but you're not Gray'. My mouth wants only his. I exerted myself and stopped kissing that guy! This is an achievement for me, in the past I would have just buried how I felt and got on with it in order to please and not to offend anyone. But this time - and from now on - I only kiss who I really really want to.
I'm confused about whether we're actually still an item, or if we ever were; if we are then technically I cheated by kissing someone else and that's really not good. It was really brief though and I regained control quite quickly so I'm not going to let myself feel too bad about it. And Gray probably doesn't care about me anyway.
He still has my earmuffs and my favourite jumper though!!
Glad you enjoyed yourself Lior ..The alchohol and Citalopram is ok in small ammounts .It seems to have double the effect so you get affected quicker ..Hangovers from hell :scared15:...Not worth it .. This Gray bloke ,may have his own problems ,but its no excuse to be so insensitive ..You seem to be trying to hold on for dear life ,Im sorry but he really doesnt seem interested ..No one treats someone like that if they really care .problems or not ..As for kissing another guy ? so what ..its not a big deal surely ?.its not like you were in a commited relationship anyway ..You will hopefully move on from this with a few fond memories .Im pleased you didnt do anything to make yourself feel any worse than you do already .As you say Plenty more fish in the sea ..Take care Sue x:hugs:
I talked to my mum and my brother and I feel a bit better about it all. He really wasn't right for me. But I still will have to see him again - it's my favourite jumper! I don't want to pressure him for it in case he gets contrary and doesn't give it back.
I had a good time with him while he was there but the pain certainly outweighed the pleasure. I found myself holding on to the pain. I needed to grieve fully for the lost potential.
Yet I still swing between hoping he'll get back to me and being resolved to move on.
Enough. He probably doesn't give a damn about me. I doubt he'll be with anyone as romantic as me ever again, but he probably doesn't care about that anyway. I want to be with a woman I can bring flowers and chocolates and other little presents... a woman I can treat like a lady, and make her feel special. I think I'd make a really good lesbian girlfriend :) if only I can find the right girl...
Well, I think you made the right decision. You were getting very worked up over his attitude and I don't think it was doing your self-esteem much good.
I think you have a pretty good insight into your behaviour; it's just the compulsive urge to act in a certain way that you know is no good or negative.
Keep writing your thoughts - you're an interesting girl... And just because you've had this experience (pleasant or unpleasant), don't be put off by ALL men and write them off in terms of a relationship. As I said before, love is love and is never sexist!
But for now, I have a little gift for you ...
:whiplash:
I'm not writing off men, I just would prefer to have a girlfriend. But even girls can have a strange attitude to sex. I don't understand how people can be so close and loving one minute and not even bother with each other the next.
I feel sad about Gray but not quite enough to be crying. I still haven't completely accepted it's not going to happen. I really want that jumper back - it's my favourite one. I trusted we'd be together for a while when I lent it to him. I hope he's reasonable enough to give it back.
He doesn't know how I dropped everything to see him every time I saw him. He doesn't know about all the other potential boyfriends/girlfriends I gave up once I started liking him.
He just replied to the text 'kewl, i'll sort it' - first response from him after all the effort I'd made. I'm not going to try and get him back anymore. I wish he wanted me.
I wish I had the space to cry - I get no privacy when I'm at home - Mum always needs something.
For now, I really don't want anyone else, and this is a rare feeling for me. I feel like this:
I'm through with love
I'll never fall again.
Said adieu to love
Don't ever call again.
For I must have you or no one
And so I'm through with love.
I've locked my heart
I'll keep my feelings there.
I have stocked my heart
with icy, frigid air.
And I mean to care for no one
Because I'm through with love.
Why did you lead me
to think you could care?
You didn't need me
for you had your share
of slaves around you
to hound you and swear
with deep emotion and devotion to you.
Goodbye to spring and all it meant to me
It can never bring the thing that used to be.
For I must have you or no one
And so I'm through with love.
My behaviour changes but I still feel the same way about people. I'm not in love with him... but I don't know why else I've put myself through all of this - all the romance, the secretly delivered Valentine's, the always going out of my way to see him... I wasn't faking anything with him. It's so hard to know someone intimately and then have to say goodbye.
And so I'm through with love.
Hi Lior, I agree with what you say about women, I think that women mess people about more but men are more likely to cheat. I have been close to several women who started messing me about, basically lying to me and particularly saying one thing and doing another, which is something that in my experience women do more often than men. My last girlfriend stopped wanting sex or intimacy and I felt inadequate, like she'd gone off me, and a day or two after we finally split up her facebook page said she became a fan of "rough sex" - when I basically said "haha yeah right" she went off on one saying she loved sex, so I was like "what are you on about, you went off it".
Anyway sorry to hijack your thread, just wanted to let you know I agreed with what you said and I would be careful if I were you. I know of a few women who have experimented with same-sex relationships but didn't like it and didn't see the other girl again, so be careful, men are certainly not the only ones who will love you and leave you!
Research which was reported on in the Daily Express a couple of months ago shows that the majority of women who try same sex relationships end up in long term relationships or marriages with men. Another reason to be careful if you go down that route. As politically incorrect as this may sound, the genders were made for each other, not for themselves, so be wary of people who just want to "dabble" rather than those who are genuinely bisexual.
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