LaNae
16-02-10, 18:50
So I grew up constantly being around pretty severe domestic abuse. I don't remember anything really. I block it all out. I read a diary of mine once when I wrote some things like I saw my dad holding a knife to my mum's throat, etc., and I hear my mum say she remembers me being tiny and running to hide under the desk when he came in. Which of course is a pretty big deal. I feel sorry for my younger self. But I don't really remember anything.
Now if someone raises their voice the tiniest bit, or looks cross at a drop of water on the table, or god forbid kick a door/throw a paper bag in frustration, I seize up. I am physically unable to move and I feel this massive, freezing cold wave of sickness and total terror creep up inside me.
I have pretty bad health anxiety (every day I am worrying about a new type of cancer or serious disease despite being very healthy) and I do need to sort myself but I don't know how. I had very bad depression as a teenager so I am used to doing all the counselling/yoga/whatever the doctors think will help, but it doesn't seem to. It worries me because I wonder if maybe this is it- this my life, my lot in life, I had a bad start and will have to just stay dealing with the effects now.
I think I also had another unrelated type of abuse (sexual) at about 3 or 4 years old. This still feels pretty... private, and embarrassing, especially due to the fact I can't remember anything concrete, who it was, where, etc. But I am very certain, and I'm a big cynic. I have been thinking this for a few years now, and apart from the concrete memories, everything else fits into place. I have, or had, all the signs of it having happened, but it's doubly bad because I can't tell anybody as it sounds like I'm making it all up! I would ignore it and say I have enough provable memories, but this affected me in a very different sort of way, so it would be helpful to come to terms with it.
Anyone got any advice?
Now if someone raises their voice the tiniest bit, or looks cross at a drop of water on the table, or god forbid kick a door/throw a paper bag in frustration, I seize up. I am physically unable to move and I feel this massive, freezing cold wave of sickness and total terror creep up inside me.
I have pretty bad health anxiety (every day I am worrying about a new type of cancer or serious disease despite being very healthy) and I do need to sort myself but I don't know how. I had very bad depression as a teenager so I am used to doing all the counselling/yoga/whatever the doctors think will help, but it doesn't seem to. It worries me because I wonder if maybe this is it- this my life, my lot in life, I had a bad start and will have to just stay dealing with the effects now.
I think I also had another unrelated type of abuse (sexual) at about 3 or 4 years old. This still feels pretty... private, and embarrassing, especially due to the fact I can't remember anything concrete, who it was, where, etc. But I am very certain, and I'm a big cynic. I have been thinking this for a few years now, and apart from the concrete memories, everything else fits into place. I have, or had, all the signs of it having happened, but it's doubly bad because I can't tell anybody as it sounds like I'm making it all up! I would ignore it and say I have enough provable memories, but this affected me in a very different sort of way, so it would be helpful to come to terms with it.
Anyone got any advice?