Assertiveness: Wanting to be heard!

[Lion King]

Hi All,

I have suffered anxiety with not being heard, nobody paying attention, people dominating and me sinking into the background and remaining quiet.

I sat in a meeting today and my superior asked me to be quiet several times when I had an opinion to offer, this happened on several occasions throughout the meeting, in the end I became dispondant and basically wondered what the whole point of the meeting was. I came away feeling negative and not stimulated by the whole event, I thought to myself I have added alot of positives into the meeting but nobody is interested unless its them speaking, I thought in the end this is just a game and really its not anything to get bothered by and more of a time for laughing at it. The next time around I will take a backseat and wait for my input to be added, I'm don't feel anxious but I feel that this kind of treatment set my anxiety off in the past. I feel older and wiser to the world, I'm still taking no crap but and I am learning more and more each day to become a strong confident individual.

Just thought I would share this one.

LK

[onceagain]

what a great way of looking at it... its true often in different contexts and senarios ... I wonder how many of us on this site are told in various ways that our opinions don't count.. though LK they do honest!!

You will have to let us know how the next meeting goes I'd certainly be interested..

One day I will grow up to I hope but in my forties I'm still as hurt as the small kid... always overlooked and my opinions and feeling flattened..

All the best to you and WE HEARD YOU LOUD AND CLEAR... hugs

[eeyorelover]

I know exactly what you mean!!

Now people on here would NEVER consider me the quiet type ;)
BUT
in the 'real world' I do feel like my opinions are often overlooked.
Perhaps it's because I have such a long fuse that it takes a lot to set me off (altho others may disagree).
I hold a lot inside and then POW!
Being assertive is so hard when you want people to like you.
I know that most of us are people pleasers so I think that this is one of the hardest parts of life to get perspective on.
How do you stick up for yourself and make your opinions known without getting pegged as a b1tch.
It's a fine line isn't it?
Your superior was wrong for telling you to be quiet!
If he/she were a decent boss then he/she would want the input!
The thing is tho YOU recognized that you had good ideas to convey and maybe that is the moral of the story.
Maybe it isn't the world that we need to hear us but instead we need to feel self worth!
Perhaps that is where assertiveness comes from, inner strength and confidence in oneself.
Hmmmmmmm
xxx
Sandy

[onceagain]

well said Sandy and a very good point about wanting to be liked... I think also that you are right.. many of us, hold in our feelings because we don't want to offend or make people dislike us... and yes I know I do blow... but only when it just all gets too much, I think we take and take and take...

The workplace should be one of equal opportunities and a transparency where staff should be able to offer their input... but there are always those who do like the sound of their own voices and I love the ones who have no compassion or empathy for anyone but boo hoo and tell the world when things are right for them... I know one within my office .. I often silently chuckle to myself as she contradicts the very thing she is sooooo heartless to others about when it comes to HER ... we all suffer it don't we...but I truly do like LK's view on it ...so calm and laid back with that knowledge that whilst hurt recognised that it really isn't that important after all hey the unspoken was paid the same rate for being there as everyone else who likes to take the floor...just hope they laid on some good food ..ha ha

[KK77]

I'm afraid this is bullying behaviour and I wouldn't stand for it.

First I'd tell your boss how I feel. If it happens again I would make a complaint. If this gets ignored I wouldn't attend the meetings. If I get threatened for not attending the meetings I would make a further complaint. If I get sacked I would sue them for unfair dismissal. (But I very much doubt that it'd ever come to that.)

I know you can take a calm approach but in not doing anything I think you're condoning that person's bullying behaviour. If they do it to you they're likely to do it to others too.

There's no reason EVER for belittling someone in the presence of others unless they're disruptive, rude or abusive. Even children at school get upset and feel humiliated if the teacher tells them to shut up when they have something to say.

Also people have to learn when to speak. Talking over someone and constantly interrupting them when they're speaking also shows disrespect for that person. It's also an act of dominating and overpowering someone. These are all forms of bullying, however subtle. You'll never be respected by letting it continue to happen and unfortunately it tends to get worse.

I know my stance may come across as quite harsh or hard and I don't argue with people unless I'm really pushed, but as I've said before in one of your threads, there's a difference between arrogance and assertiveness.

[NoPoet]

Hi LK, I'm glad to hear that you're still fighting the good fight :)

If my superior had asked me to be quiet I'd have let them get away with it maybe once, possibly twice, but I would probably have snapped lol. The old me would have said "I'm sorry, I thought there was a point to my being here" but the new and improved me would say "Excuse me, can you let me finish" with a very pointed look.

You'll get there mate, it takes confidence and a LOT of practice, but I am confident you will do it!