PDA

View Full Version : What am I so frightened of?



jollywalrus
09-02-04, 10:50
I was rubbish today. I took my daughters to school and then went for my compulsary agoraphobic-curing trek around the shops. I managed to buy a paper and a bag of crisps and I stood long enough at the cashpoint to pay money in but not take any out!! I just don't get it. Two years ago I had an operation on my hand whilst wide awake and chatted to the surgeon while he did it! I coped with my Mother and step-Father dying six months apart, I did all the shopping, ran the house etc etc and now I am allowing myself to be bluffed by a physical feeling. Am I frightened of dropping dead? Well if I did I wouldn't know much about it, would I? What about fainting? Well, panic has caused me to faint twice so far and nobody stole my children or took my handbag, they bent down to me and showed me great kindness and told me their anxiety soties. The rest of my day will now be spent worrying about going out tomorrow. Everything looks like I am on the outside and I will be crying by mid-day. I'm not giving up because I know so many people have overcome it, but I just don't understand what I am so frightened of and what the trigger is.
Thanks for letting me share.
Christine

sarah
09-02-04, 11:28
quote: and then went for my compulsary agoraphobic-curing trek around the shops.

I love the way you put this, I have just got back from doing exactly the same thing.

I too like you used to be able to deal with everything thrown at me. I really demanding job, great social life.

I honestly dont know the triggers of my panic only that my body has learnt to do it. The first one i had was so crippling that it scared the life out of me and sapped all my confidence.

You say that you were rubbish today. Well you werent. Look at it this way, you DID take your daughters to school, you DID walk round the shops, you DID buy a paper, the only thing you didnt do was get money out, which I think is cancelled out by all the things you did do!!!! Try not to be too hard on yourself, you will get there. Im sure tomorrow will be fine, remember the more you practice, the easier it will become.

As for the fainting thing, I stood in the middle of the road this morning trying to cross and all I could think of was 'if I faint then im gonna get run over' and the more i thought of it, the worse i felt.

Maybe a suggestion - if you think you will be scared about going out tomorrow for your walk, why not try another little walk this afternoon, even if its just halfway up the road, might take the pressure off a 'big' walk round the shops tomorrow?

Take care, keep practicing and keep your chin up, we all know exactly what you are going through!!!

love Sarah
xxx

Lottie32
09-02-04, 12:13
Hi Christine

Four years ago my dad died, my mother had a break down, my gran had a stroke and we could get no help from social services. I arranged my dads funeral, sorted my mum out, sorted my gran out, called round before work, during my lunch hour, and after work and spent weekend time with her two. I had a full time job, did two evenings a week in the local pub, had a part time weekend cleaning job, and still managed to find time to compete two horses.

Life was stressful, busy and hectic, but I coped.

Three years ago, my mum had finally recovered from my dad dying. My gran was better and able to pop to the shops on her own, and do her own housework. I only had one horse. I stopped the weekend cleaning job. Life was "better"

So why did I suddenly develop terrible GAD? I spent the best part of that year scared stiff. It took everything I'd got to go to work everyday. Any changes at work sent me off into another panic attack. I stopped competing. I struggled everytime I had a shift at the pub. In short, I stopped living my life, cos I was anxiety ALL the time.

Eventually I read an article about CBT. I went to the doctors and broke down, he prescribed diazepan, and put my name down for CBT.

Now I'm much much better, although there are LOTS of things I'm still not tackling, or find hard to do, I AM improving!

The one thing I've realised with how anxiety affects myself, is that there is no point in trying to work out WHY. Since I ACCEPTED that this is just the way I am, I have started feeling a lot BETTER!

This doesn't mean that I have settled for "feeling like this forever", but I have accepted that this is a part of me, and that with the right treatment, I can bring it under control, and keep it that way FOREVER.

Have you visited your GP? If not make an appointment, and ask to be refered for some CBT. Consider medication if your doctor thinks it's appropriate. Medication is NOT the answer, but it can help greatly, particularly if used in conjunction with CBT. Depression can lead to anxiety and anxiety can make you depressed. Sometimes you need something to break out of the cycle.

STOP thinking about tomorrow. Instead try very hard to concentrate on the here and now, and all the positive things you have done that day. Keep a journal. If it helps, only make simple entries, and concentrate on the positive. Write down a few goals, and try and stick to them - going to Sainsburys once a week, taking the kids to the park on Sunday, walking to the corner shop every day. Keep focused on all the POSITIVE things that you have achieved, and try not to be too hard on yourself.

Teach yourself to breathe properly, and practice it when you are not scared. It will come much easier to you when you are panicking.

Take some form of regular exercise - a brisk 20 minute walk (so you exert yourself), a fitness video, swimming, a jog, dance classes. Whatever you feel up to (but most people can manage a fitness vid in their own front room).

Take some form of regular relaxation - massage, yoga, relaxation tapes, whatever "does it" for you. Again, you can get yoga vids and do at home if you are more comfortable with that.

Reduce caffine (tea, coffee, coke, soft drinks), drink herbal tea and PLENTY of water.

Watch your diet - 5 portions of fruit and veg a day, chicken and fish over red meat, swap brown for white in the bread, rice and pasta stakes. Reduce or cut out processed food, biscuits, cakes etc. Replace with healthier snacks - yoghurt, dried fruit and nuts etc.

Try supplements - Omega 3, Vit B complex, Vit C complex

I'm so glad you are managing to stay positive. It is very very hard to do so sometimes.

Please believe that you will get better - I am finally starting to (although I still have my bad times). And please try and stop thinking too hard about why? I still don't know why I suffer, I have just put it down to it being a part of my psyche. Something that I have, but AM AND WILL GAIN CONTROL OVER. I realise that there may be periods of my life when it returns, but by finally master

benoo5
09-02-04, 17:02
hi christine,

if today was rubbish,then you must be close to recovery :)

keep doing,wot your doing now!....best wishes..bryan.

Meg
09-02-04, 22:57
Hi Christine,
The fainting is breathing related. Slow it down , hold it or paperbag it and then it will not happen again.

Do keep a check in a journal of what your thoughts are and what sort of spiral they go down when youºre panicing.Where do they lead and that is often where the source or current trigger of the fear is if its a recurring theme.

Meg

Watch your thoughts, they become your words...
Watch your words, they become your actions... Watch your actions, they become your habits... Watch your habits, they become your character... Watch your character, it becomes your destiny...

jollywalrus
11-02-04, 09:58
I just wanted to say a big thank you to you all. Your kind words have really helped me. My husband is very good (a bit fed up though I think) but seeing as he has never worried about anything in his life, he doesn't really get it. You are right though Bryan, I am very lucky in that I still go out and try to get on with things even if I'm in a right old state. Some people aren't able to, and my heart goes out to them. My problem is that it all seems so ridiculous that I can't get on with things properly when thousands of people are doing it every day. I know there is nothing to fear, but my body doesn't!!I am still tearful, but hoping every day for improvement.
Thank you all again.
Christine

stimpy
11-02-04, 10:33
Christine

To be honest, I don't think you are frightened of anything.
It's just your brains way of saying whoa! too much stress.

You had an operation on your hand, you coped with your Mother and Step-Father dying..
Anyone who can deal with all that and still take care of themselves is very brave indeed.

You have nothing to be ashamed of, nothing at all.
I see panic disorder as a way of saying enough is enough, I just can't deal with the stress.
Sometimes it demands that you go back to basics and start again.
Re-learning to do the shopping, re-learning to go out and get on with things.

You took your daughters to school, walked round the shops, and you got a paper and you are beating yourself up about not taking money from the cashpoint.

Sarah is right all the good things you did must surely cancel out the one thing you didn't do.
You see not only did you all of those things, but you got up, got dressed and started the day, then then did all those things as well.

Don't be so tough on yourself. You did fantastic!





Love, light and Best wishes
Liz xxx

[:p] Panic Monster & Scatty Eccentric

jollywalrus
11-02-04, 11:01
Crumbs Liz, now I'm blubbing again!! Thank you for your encouragement.
Christine xx
PS Just been in to the dreaded Safeway, but I bought my kitchen roll and my jelly legs and shaking hands did me proud! x

Lottie32
11-02-04, 12:20
Christine

Liz and Sarah are so right. I'm convinced that my problems started this time because I had a series of things happen to me. Some like the death of my father were very stressful, but some were much more "simpler". However, they were still difficult, and I think my body just stamped it's feet and said stop! I can't cope.

I felt much better once I stopped thinking about what others were and weren't doing. There is no need to add guilt or feelings of inadequacy to your list of ails!

After all, you can't help feeling how you do, and certainly didn't "make" yourself be like this. However, just take solice in the fact you CAN do something about it, keep taking those little steps forwards towards recovery.

It may be only Safeway for kitchen roll to those who don't understand, but we can sympathise, and know that even a little trip to the supermarket can feel like an assault over enemy lines.

Hope you have a good day today Christine



Charlie

What doesn't kill you makes you stronger.