View Full Version : Scary everyday
Hello,
I have written on the forum before but I have some questions and thought this was the best place to air them. I am very confused as I don't really know what i have! Ok so I have always been a worrier, i mean very badly like when I was 6/7 i used to play families with a girl across the road and we kissed. I was so scared about what it meant I prayed every night. I was slightly bullied by my sister and my dad was not a nice person to be around so I became quite load to overcompensate for all the anxiety I felt inside (something i still do). I used to have certain things I had to do like make sure my curtains were straight before going to bed, my sheet on my bed had to be straight. I couldn't walk on those lines in the malls and jumped over them, i had to go to the toilet before eating dinner and had to pray before certain times.
Anyway my dad left and broke the family up and it was horrible, me and my sister got the brunt of it and half of our family stopped talking to us and we were pretty outcast. Then when I was 17 I met a girl and she paid me a lot of attention and we started a relationship. It was hard because we kept it from everyone.I felt very ashamed and didn't know this was exactly how i felt. When I told her she was gutted and made me feel quite guilty. Anyway she led me to believe that she would be shattered if we broke up and I didn't want to hurt her so I stayed with her. Because of this I went really really downhill and kind of broke down, i went to see a counsellor. After this I began having really terrifying thoughts about hurting people, I went really bad and just couldn't handle it.After a while I had to end it with the girl and she didn't treat me very nicely after but I did begin to feel better but then the horrible feeling crept back in.
Anyway I took the plunge and went to university when I was 18 and things didn't get better because as we all know you cant run away from your issues. I saw a brilliant counsellor and she did help but family issues arose again after I graduated and things have gotten worse. I had to move back in with my mum after uni as most people do and she has moved so I had to leave my job. Usually when I am busy my mind does not focus entirely on my bad feeling and bad thoughts but now I don't have a job cause of the move they have hit me full pelt.
When I say bad thoughts they are the type that stop me dead and fill me with fear,dread,nausea and make it hard for me to concentrate.The type that are on the ocd forum pages well Ive had all of them, they get me to the point where I actually think I will hurt people,that i am a murderer,paedophile,animal neglecter.....whatever bad thing there is I believe i am.I feel everyday that I am not a good person wheni try so hard to be but don't think i am and then talk to the people i love the most in the most awful ways because i feel downright awful.Its really crippling and after 5 years (I am now 23) i have really had enough now and need some help that will help me in the long run. Anyways I wrote this really just to air myself, im sorry its really long but I have this thing where I have to let people know the details etc and try not to leave anything out.I have left out specifics because I realise it may hurt or offend and i respect people enough not to put them through that.
I would appreciate any feedback anyone has as to whether they have felt the same or any insight they have. Thanks
I truly hope everyone on here will find their answers and lead a happy life.
Take care xxx
I wondered if anybody could help or had any similar problems to this. I have been told that these thoughts I have, the ongoing bad thoughts are a form of OCD (Called pure "o") Funny enough it doesn't make it any easier to live with knowing there's a reason for it.
I have read somewhere that it could be useful to keep a daily diary to track progress or state of mind so I started last night.
nervy-paul
21-02-10, 17:13
Writing feelings down, whenever you feel the need to and not everyday if you didn't want, is a good way to unburden your mind, make the 'motorway traffic' of thoughts slow down abit. Everyone needs someone/something to confide in and is a healthy way to express feelings. Good luck. :))
Hello,
I really feel for you. You don't seem to have had the most happiest of childhoods and I think it all catches up with us eventually. It's almost like a legacy. These thoughts are a product of anxiety and low mood and depend on your dislike of them to keep happening. They are a common symptom of anxiety and are suffered by many. The thing about this symptom is that they completely overwhelm you and make you feel that you have no control over your mind, when it's actually only a repeated thought that can do no harm. The anxious mind makes you think of the most grotesque thoughts and you take them to the limit! It's a mixture of anxiety and vivid imagination. Please try not to be frightened of the thoughts because they are only thoughts. No more. When they come just carry on with what you are doing and don't give them the importance they seek. Have you spoken to your doctor about them? If you find it really difficult to cope then antidepressants can be of great help with this, only in the short term until you feel stronger again. With acceptance you can learn to live with them and when they lose their importance then they stop happening, and even if they do they don't mean the same because you are no longer afraid of them. Please don't despair. You are not alone with this symptom and you can recover from this.
Myra:hugs:
hi. i just thought id send u a message so you knoww you are not alone. i have a similar history to you. i was bullied by my mother and she showed favouritism towards my brothers so i was always the outcasted and unwanted child. my father finally left the marriage and i bore the brunt of it. eventually leaving my mother after onyl 1 week and have never made contact with her again since. i had to leave the place that i grew up, as you say running away from my problems, as she began stalking me a little. that was 10 years ago and i moved away 8 years ago and it all catches up with you eventually. i think the breakdown of my own relationship has caused all the problems to come to a head again. just remember its not your fault. you were a child and the people you trusted hurt you. we can be stronger people and we will be. if u want to talk more u can pm me.
ps i also cant sleep if the curtains arent straight.
:hugs:
Thank you everyone for your feedback, it really does help knowing that people know about it and still want to talk to me. It also helps that people do go through the same things. I have sought information about receiving more counselling which has made things slightly easier because I know it helps me. Myra I have been on anti depressants before, I am not opposed to restart on them however I do find it difficult because I had to move back in with my mum after university due to a silly decision i'd made about trying to live with my dad and his girlfriend to mend bridges. This did not go very well at all and ties have now been cut.Anyway my mum is very against them and can't seem to understand that I am 23 now and not a child which is not helping me at all! I am finding it very hard to continue living alone with her and am looking to move out in the near future. I believe she is very closed minded and seems to have the sceptical notion many people have about mental illness. Anyway thank you for you feedback
x
Hello,
I just wanted to update.I am out of work at the minute and I think this makes me worse because I have more time to "think". I think the thoughts get to me so much and make me sad and really fearful because when I was younger I did not like babies and kind of avoided being anywhere near them. As I grew up I became very weary of babies scared of them mainly because my baby cousin cried every time she was near me and since then I have been very weary and scared of children and babies. These thoughts started and made me feel even worse and of course I did not want to be anywhere near children.My sister is married and is now trying for a baby which fills me with fear because I don't want children in my life. I have been worried all day about her becoming pregnant.
I just wanted to air these feelings.
Laura x
Hi Laura. You sound like a really nice person who has had a rough time through no fault of your own. Like you when I am not busy I have too much time to think and feel. Keeping busy is the key don't you think? I swim. What about voluntary work while you find paid employment? It will look gr8 on your CV.
The baby thing, I used to find babies scary. Nobody says you have to like them but you sound uncomfortable around them. Is it that you want to like them but they scare you or are they just of no interest to you. Until I had my daughter I avoided kids like the plague n when my daughter is an adult, my husband n I will be going to couples only holidays. I love my baby (shes 9) but I'm not into kids 24/7. I prefer adults!If you explain this to your Sis how would she be?
Thank you Smudger. I find when I am busy I can handle the thoughts more and just generally cope more so finding some voluntary work sounds like a good idea, especially if after my appointment with the job centre on Monday doesn't produce much.Thanks for the idea.I'd like to volunteer with animals because I really like animals.
Well when I was younger I just didn't like babies whether that was because they scared me I don't know. I am probably a bit like yourself, I don't feel like other people where they say they love kids. Its hard to say because when i am not in one of my depressive periods I want to like them but they scare me but because at the minute I feel so low I just avoid them and dont like being around them AT ALL and I just don't feel the need or sometimes can't understand why people want babies! I get frustrated if im shopping or out with friends and children are screaming whereas normally I'd probably just ignore it. I think the problem is that within my family they are pretty closed minded and think that me and my sister should get married and have children like "normal" girls and for a time I thought thats what I wanted and I should want but now Im not so sure. Does that make sense? I told my mum the other day about it and as usual she just upset me, she said if she'd felt how I feel when she was having me then I wouldnt be here?! She's one of those people who think all women want children and should have them whereas even if I did want them I wouldn't agree with that,everyone is different right? Sadly I can't much speak to my mum and sister about this or my OCD/Depression because they don't listen and say horrible things.
Hi
I have a couple of similar problems to you: I need to make my mum see I'm not her little girl any more, and I'm working out my sexuality too. I have a feeling that once I tell my family about being bisexual I'll be able to move on from my depression more easily. Keeping things from your family makes things worse. Telling them will bring them closer to you, even if it's difficult.
You're good at discussing your problems on here, so I bet you could do it wonderfully with your family when you need to :)
Hello, I can understand what you are saying Lior. I do believe that if your family are open and supportive then telling them could help. Sadly I have told my sister about my fears before and she rubbished them saying dont be stupid and wont talk about it. When I was with the girl she knew and was awful to me about it so talking to my sister is a no-no.My mum is extremely closed minded and when I tried to talk to her and my sister about my ocd, where my bed has to be perfect they just laughed.My sister said I needed psychiatric help and my mum said it would even help her cause her counselling obviously hasn't. I can't talk to either of them about it but I would suggest if you can tell your family then do so it just seems for me they wouldn't believe me anyway or make fun of it.
x
Well you have us to talk to anyway. Maybe your sister needs to grow up. Perhaps when she has a child she may mature!
Great idea about volunteering with animals. Such a worthwhile and interesting thing to do. I hope you do. It will do you the world of good!
You know up until I was 23 I was a career girl (didn't have her til 31 and I had to have IVF). Never ever wanted kids before 23. Its only cause it felt right at the time. I ADORE her. It sort of completed us if that makes sense just like my sister 2 dogs complete her relationship! Horses for courses as they say! Don't give in to sterotype, you are not abnormal AT ALL! Just ignore this ridiculous attitude! Its your life, you live it the way you want to!
When I was really bad with depression I couldn't bear to hear kids winy screaming voices either. Nothing against them...just can't eat a whole one! lol!
Keep posting n don't forget we are all here if you need us.:bighug1:
My sister and I have had a bad relationship since I was about 6/7 and I thought what with her getting married and me going to university and you know the usual growing up that she would just "get a grip" or something but sadly she hasn't seemed to mature or just not be judgemental.Thats what I do find hard how judging people are of others when it really has no bearing on their lives.
Thank you and I would like to say even though i am in the midst of one of my "down times" this forum and kind words from people like yourself do help and give me some hope and solice.
I am open minded about things and may one day decide I do want children or a child however I find it difficult even thinking of that because it usually triggers one of my awful train of thoughts where i just think I can't possibly have children cause of past thoughts. I guess its all part of the OCD and depression but I can't forgive myself for the thoughts or forget them. I don't know....i sometimes get scared that i am developing a deep dislike for children because i feel so uncomfortable around them and tend to avoid them and when they are there I resent that. It sounds awful.
Thank you x
You sound perfectly normal to me and its NOT awful! One of my closest friends always knew since she was a little girl that she wanted loads of kids...me....I wanted to be a graphic designer! Didn't really know what it mean't at the time!Can't even remember playing with girly dolly toys that much either!lol! Wouldn't life be so boring if we were all the same...? Be a bit like the stepford wives wouldn't it?Now thats a scary thought!
Thank you Smudger,
I think that would be scary and I do think that everyone deserves to be different without judgement, its just a shame there is so much judgement and people saying whats right and wrong all the time. Don't get me wrong I know whats right and wrong but I think there's a middle too. I suppose its hard when you step away from the "norm" when there's folks around who disagree with everything you do!
I am looking into animal charities to see if I can volunteer.I think it would help me to get out. Cabin fever starting in!
Hello,
I have to say i was feeling better all today and then night time comes, where I tend to feel worse and I do. (I guess this could be self-fulfilling prophecy) It hasn't helped that on facebook an old school friend has just had a baby and she has posted pictures on there.When you click photos on the right hand side it shows recent photos, she has posted some and one was of the baby just out of the bath or something and its made me feel very anxious and has really unnerved me. Because I don't like to see anything like that cause it tends to spur on my horrible thoughts, I end up thinking well If I look at it then it means I want to look at stuff like that and because I choose not to its always on my mind! Because I felt so anxious and didn't want to see it or any further photos I have deleted her as a friend. I just can't handle stuff like that. And now I feel worse....I tend to make some headway in trying to figure out my thoughts and then I end back up at square 1.I have been told this is normal of OCD however it is hard to grasp when your in the middle of it.Some times I think i'd be better off just locked up, no-one coming to see me or me ever going out.It makes me feel relief. I don't know how to deal with it really.
If anyone could offer any advice or even like minded people who have similar problems would help me a lot.
I wondered if those who have really horrible thoughts could help me, I have had so many truly awful thoughts throughout my years of depression and OCD and I wondered if like mided people could see similarities? Sometimes when I am on edge or overly anxious then I know thoughts are coming and I tend to think them just to get them over and done with.Of course this then goes spiralling with me thinking that I want to have these thoughts etc etc. So I am thinking that I like these thoughts and I will then act on them.You see this sort of stuff gets out of control in my mind and just snowballs. Does this happen to others?Is this another aspect of my Obsessive thoughts/OCD? There was another question that I wanted to ask, is it true that if say someone deals with health anxiety and they are worried about getting an illness then they're mind will make them think or they will in fact get symptoms? I have horrible thoughts, of a sexual nature and I thought when I first got them that it was ok because I didn't feel aroused and then all of a sudden I thought I was or began overchecking to see if I was? Does that make sense? Could it be that I was so aware of it that it began happening? I am so confused and have a constant fear over these kind of things. Does anyone else deal with this or similar?
Please help or even tell me your experience
Thank you x
Please help or even PM if you can help or offer any insight into this....It would help me alot. Lately I have been seeking alot of reassurance, been told this is part of Ocd but its hard to see its ocd when im in the "cycle".
Hello again,
Im sorry to keep going on guys but today, well the past week has been pretty scary and really upsetting for me!!! I have just felt this overwhelming sadness all week, I decided to do some research again on ocd and im sorry but ignorance is bliss. As some may know some of my ocd comes in the form of disturbing thoughts and mainly about hurting children or sexual abuse and I was gaining knowledge about those kind of ocd thoughts when it mentioned something called Paraphilia. I went onto it and now I am so scared and feel sick that that is what I have! If you look at some of my last posts I have been very scared that I have felt some sort of arousal and this new piece of information has really unnerved me and scared me stupid.I don't know what to do,im completely lost!
Please someone help me, I don't know what to do
charlotte83
11-03-10, 11:28
Hi Laura,
I haven't read all the replies so forgive me if I repeat anything anyone else has said. These OCd thoughts are horrible but they are just that, thoughts. The fact you worry about being any of those things means you aren't, in fact, people with OCD are often overly moral and kind warm hearted people which is precisely why we fear things like that so much!!
I have had OCD for 11 years and gone through so many obsessions I couldn't even count them anymore but it does get easier if you learn to recongnise its OCD and just let the thoughts be. I'm not saying its easy, it took me such a long time but it can be done. Have you had any CBT?
Hello,
Thats where I get stuck, when people say people with OCD are highly moral and then I get scared Im not moral. When I hear a horrible story I usually don't feel anything, nothing at all and then I get a wave of sadness but there's no anger like other people get and that makes me worried that I enjoy the stories or find them right?Does that make sense? I just got so scared and had a really big panic last night that I was this paraphilia thing and these thoughts weren't ocd but actually im sexually deviant. No I haven't had CBT, i've had counselling but we tried to get to the stress behind my ocd but I guess if you aren't with the right person to deal with ocd it wont help? I just keep thinking if I am sexually deviant I would want it and I don't!! Is this OCD?
charlotte83
11-03-10, 17:08
CBT is best for dealing with OCD. Counselling can help to deal with other stresses and problems that might make the ocd worse but it doesn't really help the ocd itself. To be honest theres no point in looking into reasons why you might have these thoughts because there is no reason other then suffering from ocd. Also, yes what you worry about is ocd. The fact you are comparing yourself to what others feel when you see a sad story goes to prove that. Sometimes when you say to someone with ocd, "the fact you worry about these thoughts means its ocd" makes them feel a bit better, but then the ocd just kicks in again and thinks "oh I feel a bit better, this must mean i'm not as bothered by the thoughts as I should be". it will try and get at you in any way it can if you let it.
Seriously, if you were actually xome kind of sexual deviant, you wouldn't even be posting on here looking for help, you would just enjoy the thoughts and not care less about what anyone else thought or if it was right or wrong or not. Just accept it is ocd and it will get better :)
They just make me feel sick but then thoughts kick in saying no you feel aroused etc and then I'll consciously check!It goes round and round and now I worry because I've put so much importance on it then I am aroused etc perhaps not because I actually am because I don't look at children as sexual objects or anything but because my ocd has manifested physically.Can that happen? Because thats a big worry. Thank you for speaking because it seriously helps me get through the day!
x
Hello,
Update: I had another panic attack this evening in my shower. I tend to worry either in the shower or at bedtime. Those are my 2 big panic attack places or times. I had a small breakthrough this evening just before the panic attack, I hadn't told my mum that I had been suffering lately.She knows in the past that I had suffered from depression but that was it.So when I started to feel bad again just before christmas I didn't let her know because I am the suffer in silence type plus my fears and thoughts are awful and sharing them make me very embarrassed and extremely scared! Anyhow since just before xmas I have not been in a job because we moved and I haven't found one since and I have been downish in front of people but kept it relatively to myself. I tried telling her about my "normal" ocd as I call it like perfectionism but she made fun so I was scared to say I was struggling and said no more. Now I have been very different today because of my flake out last night and I think she realises over the past few weeks I have been very down and quiet. So anyway back to the breakthrough tonight i was looking for therapists in my area and she asked what I was doing so i told her I was looking for therapists and she said oh,I thought you had to pay for those and I said well yeah some of them.She said well maybe you should speak to the dr about therapy and i said yes ok.She asked if I had booked an appointment and I said yes for Monday.I had been petrified of telling her, especially due to me being worried that she'd ask questions,ones which I don't believe I could answer. Anyhow just wanted to update that I had a breakthrough today and another panic attack!
Ta da! x
charlotte83
12-03-10, 12:44
Aww sorry you had another panic attack. It is good that your mum seems a little more open minded about things. Maybe in time you could tell her a bit about how you feel? It is hard for people to understand but I'm sure she just wants you to be well and happy and will want to help. You could print off some info for her about OCD and try and explain how difficult it is. I didn't go into massive detail telling my bf and family about my ocd, but I did explain to them that my thoughts get stuck and it is really hard to switch them off.
Its good you have booked an appointment with the doc too. Tell them how distressed you are and ask if you can be referred for CBT. I haven't had it myself but I'm going to and I have loads of books on it. It is supposed to have a very good succes rate at managing the symptoms.
All of these feelings are OCD, its just once you become so focused on a certain fear, everything reminds you of it and it seems to be in your thoughts all the time but they do go. I'm having a bit of a bad patch at the moment with mine, obsessing that I might get dpression or might have it, even though I don't feel depressed. I am just trying to let the thoughts be there and hope that eventually they will fade.
I can realise that I need help of some kind and I will ask for help. The thing for me is that I can't seem to get my head around that its ocd.I know logically it makes sense and that I have the obsessions and some compulsions but I find it hard that its actually an illness because for so long i've felt a dirtiness or somekind.I can see over the years I've had it OCD but I can't seem to pin these horrible thoughts to it,is that normal?
Oh and I am sorry that you are having a tough time of it at the minute, if you ever need to talk please feel free to pm me or ask! I will try to help! x
nervy-paul
13-03-10, 14:38
Living with ocd is never easy, and you do live with it, every day it is there in some form or another. Only by sharing the burden, on here with people who understand your pain and won't judge you, and also finding people in your own life who can listen and be there when you need a friendly ear.
Hello again everyone,
I wondered if someone could offer some advice/support. I am visiting a new doctor tomorrow and I am really quite nervous. I have been lucky that I haven't necessarily had a bad doctor before where they have made me feel bad or not believed me. However I am really scared because these are new doctors and I haven't much said about my obsessional thoughts etc before. I suppose that may be a reason why I haven't been properly diagnosed before or perhaps haven't gotten the right treatment for what I have.
I suppose I am anxious because there is so much going around my head and I don't know how I am going to be able to even begin to explain it. Can anyone help?
x
Hi, I think it is quite normal to be scared, you are meeting a new doctor and you worry what he/she will think.
I find it best to write a few key words down, that way when I am speaking I dont forget anything.
If you tell them exactly how you feel and tell them you think you have ocd and you want help,,they will forward you for some form of therapy.
You will have to let me now how you get on,,its not easy making this step, but I am sure you will be fine !!!
Take care
Jools
charlotte83
15-03-10, 11:24
You could try printing the info about ocd off from this site or an ocd site and you could show the doctor the obsessions you have. It might help you to feel a bit more comforted and then you could explain in more detail how you feel. I know some obsessions sound strange, but a doctor will have heard it all before and you don't have to go into too much detail with the doctor, you could wait until you see the therapist (if you are asking to see one) to do that. Good luck
Hello,
Well just got back from the doctors.I feel drained because I cried so much. I tried to explain what I was going through. I told her I'd thought it was OCD and told her about my obsessions and some of my compulsions. She thinks that I have some elements of OCD but not fully.She says I have depression and anxiety and has given me an anti-depressant called mirtazapine. She said that after 2/3 weeks I should go back to see her and she will then put me in touch with a counsellor. I feel better although I am a little scared about telling my mum.
x
Hello me again!
As per usual it 8:30 and my feelin of dread and fear has returned. I always feel worse in the evening and tonight is no exception.
When my mum came back she asked me what the doctor had said,I have to say I was really scared before she came home. Anyway I told her she had diagnosed me with anxiety and depression with elements of ocd and she accepted it. She asked what they were doing about it and when I said well she's given me mirtazapine and she did say "oh no you've gone back on them" but I stood up for myself and said yes she has and I don't care and I will be referred for counselling in a few years.
So she knows now and didn't ask any questions thankfully! So on that front all is good! x
nervy-paul
16-03-10, 14:51
Hey Laura,
So pleased to hear that you got on pretty well with your dr's appointment, they seem to be fairly understanding with you. Also really pleased that your Mum's reactions were better than you had feared - which is often the case with our fears - though that rarely makes the fears any less!! And good on you for standing up for yourself too!! Well done, I am pleased for you!:D
Thanks Paul!
Yes it did help that my mum was not too pushy.Just wanted to edit my last post, i put I would be referred to counselling in a couple of years, i meant weeks! Duh!
I took my first tablet last night.I did sleep better I think however I woke up really late at 1:30pm! Ooops and now I feel very dizzy and my body is shaking a little however apart from that Im ok.This is gonna be funny! Because I keep making mistakes when I talk or write! Oh dear! This might have made me freak out but im so out of the loop so its ok! x
Hello again,
I have to say that I have had a pretty low day today.I just completely crap today! I know there are always going to be days where i will feel less than jovial but I just feel bloody awful! I had a bad dream this morning where my anger/uncomfort at having a child near me made not as careful as I should have been and the child fell into a door frame and hit his head slightly because I had put him down/swung him from his pushchair agressively. This of course made me feel uncomfortable and upset when I woke up and has then caused me to think about it constantly throughout today. I have in the past told this forum that I am very uncomfortable around children and just don't like them very much due to past circumstances. I think for me it makes it worse because I tend to believe my obsessions more. I told my friend if I were a child person before then I could probably see my obsessions were just that and nothing more but because I am not too fussed about them then it makes my obsessions more true.I think its sad because I think deep down there is a part of me that would like one day to settle down with a hubby and a child. This has made my day very distressing.
Any advice or suggestions?
Another low day.I really do start to wonder whether this is all worth it.Everyday I feel like poo. I have really bad thoughts sometimes which I find distressing and upsetting which haunt me everyday.And like everyone I look back in my past and try and determine whether I am bad or evil? When I was a teenager I swung my cat round by its tail, he cried and I felt bad and put him down. i see this as a clue that I am a bad person and have had a near break down this afternoon.Now I freel numb and don't know what to do...
I am looking up CBT therapists in my area and will be going back to my doctor next week. I feel exhausted and at my wits end. All of this and I have to act "normal" when my mum comes home.
Hi
I know how you feel I have had similar horrible thoughts. But just remember they will go away it is very scary. You may find this link helpful http://www.ocduk.org/pdf/Pure-O.pdf
I think anti depressants really help aswell.
Take care
Ruth
Thank you Ruth, I have seen that powerpoint before and it does help sometimes although as you will probably know when in the midst of a "flake" out or bad period then it is hard to see it as ocd and not just truth! I find it very difficult and just getting through day to day!
Hope you are winning your battle!
Laura x
nervy-paul
22-03-10, 20:55
Sorry to hear you had a bad day Laura, my thoughts and best wishes are with you. Take care my friend :) :hugs:
Thank you Paul, I seem to have hit a rough patch where I feel truly dreadful!I just keep looking back and seeing every bad little thing I did and seeing it as signs I am a bad person. I just can't seem to see the light.
I dunno!
Laura
Hello again everyone,
I just wanted to ask if its normal to feel nothing for anything. Just to lose feeling.Im in the first 2 weeks of begginning mirtazapine and im not sure if its since that, I do remember that I had this beforehand. Now Im not sure if its because im so freaked out for not feeling anything that its become such a big thing or its just that at the minute with everything and the meds I have lost feeling.
Also last week, I went against what my doctor said and did research, I know I shouldn't have but I'd already ordered this book and it came through. Anyway it explained about people with intrusive bad thoughts but then there was this paragraph which said about when its more than just bad thoughts and when you should be worried. Well of course I kept reading and it said about if you feel no guilt or sadness etc at thoughts, if you have ever bullied someone or been cruel, and if you have ever hurt someone before or animals etc. This made me have a panic attack because I am so confused.How do you know where to draw the line? When I was younger I was bullied at school and at home. There was this girl up the road who I played with sometimes and sometimes I wasn't nice to her, like I took her headband but when she started cyring I gave it back and said sorry. I feel bad about this til this day. Also when I was younger like 12/13(I can't remember exactly) but I swung our cat round by its tail but it started crying and I put it down and tried to comfort it. I used to scare it sometimes too but I feel so bad about this now,so bad. I have never hurt another animal since or before this and loe animals. I just get so scared because of what this book has said.
Laura xxx
Can anyone offer any advice or suggestions about what I have posted as it is something my obsessive mind really worries about this kind of stuff. I believe that I do deserve to suffer because of my past actions even though I do feel bad and worry constantly about it.
I really feel for you. You are really beating yourself up with these thoughts. Adults look back at things they did in childhood and cringe!! You are not alone. Childhood is a time when we see just how far we can take things. It's only looking back now with an adults mind that you can see it was silly. But we've all done these type of things in one form or another. Some have done much worse - and they've never given it a second thought!! This book is actually misleading you into thinking something that doesn't apply to you, so I wouldn't go over that particular part of the book again. It shouldn't be winding you up like that. You will feel as though you have no feeling because anxiety takes away some of our normal feelings and can make us feel numb for a while. Please don't put too much importance on this. I know how tormenting it is to have intrusive thoughts and I know that they can be grotesque, but always remember THEY ARE ONLY THOUGHTS. There's no way they mean anything real. It's your anxiety and vivid imagination at work. I stress again that you should not give them the importance they seek because they are not worthy. Try and laugh at your thoughts, because actually they are funny when you think how vivid an imagination you can have without even really having to try!! Each time a horrible thought comes into your mind say to yourself "vivid imagination again" and don't be affected by it and you'll eventually lose your fear of them. You can get through this. Please don't despair. Myra x
Hello again everyone,
I just wanted to ask if its normal to feel nothing for anything. Just to lose feeling.Im in the first 2 weeks of begginning mirtazapine and im not sure if its since that, I do remember that I had this beforehand. Now Im not sure if its because im so freaked out for not feeling anything that its become such a big thing or its just that at the minute with everything and the meds I have lost feeling.
Also last week, I went against what my doctor said and did research, I know I shouldn't have but I'd already ordered this book and it came through. Anyway it explained about people with intrusive bad thoughts but then there was this paragraph which said about when its more than just bad thoughts and when you should be worried. Well of course I kept reading and it said about if you feel no guilt or sadness etc at thoughts, if you have ever bullied someone or been cruel, and if you have ever hurt someone before or animals etc. This made me have a panic attack because I am so confused.How do you know where to draw the line? When I was younger I was bullied at school and at home. There was this girl up the road who I played with sometimes and sometimes I wasn't nice to her, like I took her headband but when she started cyring I gave it back and said sorry. I feel bad about this til this day. Also when I was younger like 12/13(I can't remember exactly) but I swung our cat round by its tail but it started crying and I put it down and tried to comfort it. I used to scare it sometimes too but I feel so bad about this now,so bad. I have never hurt another animal since or before this and loe animals. I just get so scared because of what this book has said.
Laura xxx
Hi Laura
I believe we've all done things in the past which we could look back on and regret but as long as we don't repeat those things, I don't see the value in holding onto them and feeling guilty. We're not static beings - we're constantly changing - and just because you look back on negative things you've done in the past, it doesn't necessarily make you a bad person now. Going over and over things in your mind are classic symptoms of depression and OCD. The line is to be drawn when you're dangerous to yourself and others. What the book might or might not say is someone else's opinion. Look to yourself to see how you are now. These are intrusive thoughts and nothing else. It's the past and we can all go through moments of dragging up nasty things that we and/or others have done.
Once you understand that that's all it is I believe it's a lot easier to move on. Let go of the past. It's finished and doesn't automatically define who you are today.
Thank you both Myra and melancholia. Just the fact that you have replied and taken the time to read my post is nice (that you haven't run far calling me an awful person helps too). I haven't ever hurt anyone physically, in fact when my sister and I used fight she used to do more damage because I didn't ever want to hurt her, im a bigger girl and thought If i lost control I could really hurt her so I never did. I haven't hurt anyone sexually before either which is probably why these thoughts distress me so much. I am trying to see them just as thoughts, its a hard struggle! I have been referred to a counsellor by my dr so I hope this helps.
Thank you both ever so much! x
Hi guys,
Had yet another awful morning with my thoughts....I don't know if I've ever said this before but my thoughts are usually not vivid images (although sometimes they are) but usually questions or just a whirl of thoughts.....I don't wanna take this too far but i'd like to ask a personal question, my worst thoughts are about hurting others but mainly children and in a sexual way (I never have,i'd like to point out) anyway when I first had these thoughts I kept thinking to myself well if I did enjoy these thoughts or if I wanted this to happen then I would feel sexually turned on. That began my compulsion of checking myself, needless to say by continuously thinking about it and checking I became obsessed by that too and now feel something down there all the time, even when not thinking about it or children or anything really.I am very worried about this and don't know who to tell or ask about it to? I know it easy not to reply because i do but I really would like some insight even if its by personal message. I'd just like some help,please x
hi - had to post a reply because i have been through exactly the same thing and still do when i am stressed - you would be amazed at how many of us suffer from these thoughts but they are only anxiety (you might want to read the post i put under the frustrated thread) and yes - when you focus on any part of your body to check it is not feeling anything - the focus makes it feel tingly etc which then you decide is further proof you are child molester (which you are definitely not!). Do you think a genuine child molester would be on an anxiety forum asking for reassurance about scary thoughts lol?! NO! because they have no guilt/conscience.
Basically - you are just completely sensitized to scary thoughts and then going through every time you think you have done something wrong in the past and cannot get it in perspective! ANYONE who thinks back over childhood could find examples of when they were mean to other kids etc or done things they are not proud of. Stay in the present - read my other post and realise that these thoughts are a product of adrenalin. I advise reading imp of the mind too - an excellent book for ocd sufferers. There is no overnight cure but once i start working through the fear - my thoughs start to fade in a few days - they can for you too x
Thank you Joanna for your reply.....as you know when going through it all and actually believing everything your mind tells you it is a hard pattern to get out of. I believe because I didn't get treated with this when it first began in the proper way that it has developed. As we all know without actually helping yourself and not getting help for the thoughts they will get worse. Well for me it has, I avoid situations in which there are children, I switch the tv if children are on it etc etc so actually seeing children has become scary in itself. I have made it worse for myself because I never got the right help. Is this why its gotten so bad. Today my mum and sister had a day off and they went into the local town and I have stayed home because I cant face it. I don't want this to continue anymore but that book is what made me so bad joanna. I read the part about when to worry near the front and thought it meant me.
x
i know it is easy to avoid the things you worry about - e.g. children but this is NOT the answer - this is only confirming your anxiety/making you believe you are a person who cannot be trusted etc.
when i had horrible peadophile thoughts i made myself look after my nephew who was about 2 at the time - he answered the door with no pants on!!!!! can you imagine how my anxiety shot through the roof lol! however - i stayed and after reading books/playing with toys - my anxiety levels started to fall and i could glimpse that my thoughts were silly. I once remember having another really bad time when it was xmas and i got to the point where i said - right - i am going to go out and molest some children then! i then realised that this is not what i wanted to do whatsoever and found something else to do instead!
i would suggest that you purposefully watch tv - go somewhere where there are children and see your anxiety through. if you have been reading the same book? it basically says they only worry about people who do not worry about their thoughts and get pleasure out of them which you are most definitely not. i do know what you are going through - i wanted to put myself in a bubble/locked room - i felt my thoughts were so real but now i can smile at them - you will be able too x:winks:
Thank you Joanna, you have really helped me at this moment where I have been bad with intrusive thoughts. It seems as though my thoughts are very similar to the ones you have had. You are so very brave because I would have had a panic attack!!!
Thing is I used to look after my cousins...for years I looked after them from when they were about 3 and 5 and never had one bad thought or perhaps did but didn't obsess about it and then what a few years later started really obsessing about it...of course at the time I was babysitting them I was obsessing about something else!
Like yourself in my mind at some points I have thought ok i am a paedophile blah blah blah and then I thought but I don't want to go out and do that. It doesn't stop the obsessing though because there's always the doubt!Bloody thing!
Yes it is the same book, the part I was afraid of and which actually became part of the obsession was the bit about what you had done in the past...which of course made me look in to my past and obsess over every little thing I did!!! At the minute things have gotten to me but I am hoping with my medication, counselling, and the books I can get better
Thanks
x
i know how difficult it can be - i remember saying to my husband - if i could not "feel" like a child molester i would be ok but our brains get so tired and emotional we cannot expect to "feel" as though we aren't and this is why it is so confusing!
i had relationship ocd for years - did not even realise until i read some posts on here and so i have always been obsessing about something or another - i think part of the battle is accepting that tendancy and then understanding how stress kicks it off.
i so TOTALLY know what you are going through - please do not avoid what you think may be triggers as this only reinforces the anxiety - so what if you have a panic attack?! you cannot panic forever and your anxiety will come down. the biggest thing that helped me get over the thoughts was to let them be there until i got bored of them - the goal is not to banish them but to let them be there until it no longer matters. everyone - anxiety sufferer or not - gets thoughts like this - what if i molested a child/what if i jumped off that bridge etc - its just that the thoughts do not get stuck. the cure lies within you - do not be frightened of yourself. you would never act on these thoughts. another thing is distraction - you need to let the thoughts be there but keep busy - keep occupied. i am so sorry your family do not understand - i tell my husband my worse thoughts and when he laughs at me - i realise i am not the monster i am scared i am! its actually the most sensitive, kind hearted people who have these thoughts so give yourself a big cuddle - you are a lovely person who is just frightening herself!:bighug1:
Jonna what you have said in that first bit is so true! Its exactly what I feel like and think too!
Yes I have had Relationship OCD before also...when I was younger I was frightened to death that I was gay, seen it posted as HOCD so I can see this OCD from my childhood.
I am trying slowly to go out again, its hard when I have been staying in avoiding public for a while. Yes I do find it very difficult that I don't have the supportive family that I need and want. More and more I am seeing the gap between myself and my family but sadly thats how it is because we are very different. They judge everyone and I dont,well I try my best not to. Im trying to believe I can get better and all that, I have my depression to deal with too which is hard but I will keep trying.
Thank you for your help! xxx
bless you - pleased i am helping!
i had the worries about being gay when i was a teenager too! now i can smile about it - it would not have mattered if i was - it was just another thing i obsessed about! this may make you smile lol because it will show you you are not the only one but i avoided churches for several years because i was worried that if i went in one i would wish for some horrible disease and god would grant it! i think a lot of my fears came from my parents divorcing as a child - i had all this anxiety but felt i could not express it and so i fuelled it into other worries. having said that - my mum suffered in a bad way from anxiety as a teenager but she got through with no medication/no family support (her mum died and her dad did not support her) so the body does recover naturally in time.
my obsession at the moment is lack of sleep! driving me mad - today i tried a nytol incase i had strange side effects so now have felt groggy all day but still no sleep!
you will be fine - you will start to see weeny improvements and then you will start to build on these - you will get times when the thoughts return - only normal due to them having been a big part of our life for so long but you will get through them again :yesyes:
You are helping!Thanks
I suppose those like us that have the tendancy to obsess about things will have similar thought patterns.Yes like you my parents divorced,although when I was 14, and I had to deal with alot and the only thing I could really do was turn it on myself. Yes I have had health anxiety before where I was obsessed that I would get a disease or illness. Well if I can help you in any way then it would be nice to return the favour!
Thanks xx
Look at The Pfeiffer Research Institute website, they have info on OCD. Also look at pyroluria as a possibility.lol
shotokansho
05-04-10, 11:53
I'm sorry I didn't see this post sooner, I haven't read through it all because there is so much so apologies if I repeat anything.
I can tell you something, your life sounds just like mine. I had a very upsetting childhood, I rebelled and was like the loser child. Ive only just now started to open up to my mum about my thoughts, obsessions and feelings. I'm 32 now and have only ever told her the basics. She was actually very understanding and now I feel I can talk to her more, which is a good relief for me. Maybe this is what is happening with your mum. Don't dive in and tell her everything at once, but a bit at a time so she isn't bogged down with trying to understand everything you have told her.
Also maybe this could be a good time for you and your mum to start to build bridges. I have always loved my mum but I have always had conflicting feelings there concerning my childhood. We now get on very well and talk more and have a much better relationship.
I would also like to add that I too have very distressing thoughts, only last night I woke up at stupid o'clock with thoughts of hurting children. It is terrifying but they are only thoughts. I tell myself often that I am a good person, I am likeable and I am a great mum. This helps a lot, as I know full well I will never carry out those thoughts.
I have not personally tried CBT yet but I have had an assesment and mine should be starting soon. It has a great success rate and I think maybe you should consider that as a route to go down. Plus are you taking any medication.
I too understand about your working problem. I was working and had to leave due to mental health issues, now I am claiming sick pay and feel like I have just gone straight back down to that rut. To stop my thoughts from taking over I have been growing my own flowers in the house to plant out in my garden in the summer. Watching them grow is lovely, and when they all bloom in the summer in the garden it's a nice feeling. I have also been decorating plant pots and doing my garden up.
I'm not saying you should do this, i'm just giving an example of something anjoyable to do while you are out of work.
One last thing...you should pat yourself on the back. You managed to go to uni and graduate...congrats on that. A lot of people wouldn't have made that. Take care and I hope your feeling better soon.
Kez xx
Thank you for replying guys, its nice to know that people have an understanding about my mental health issues and are willing to post about it. I will have a look at that later chrislot thanks. Shoto yes I believe maybe in the future I may be able to speak to her, well I hope but right now whilst im living with her its not so easy because we're living in this smaller house.Its just plain awful for me because I like my independance and she wont give me any.Its like im still 13 instead of 23.So perhaps when I get a job and a place of my own I can start to open up but not when Im here because she tends to throw it back in my face.She said to me that because I have had counselling in the past but have gone downhill again then the counselling was a waste of time. I just feel at the minute that it is impossible to open up to her.But thank you for your suggestions and hopefully in the future I can do the same.
Yes like you I will wake in the night and have some horrible thought and it will go round and round.I think mine have gotten worse because I have never actually actively changed my thought patterns. I think CBT can help me and would like to try it, I have been referred for counselling and hope to try cbt in the future. Makes it hard having other issues like childhood issues becuase I never know whether to deal with all that or with the present issue.I am on mirtazapine and think I will have to go up a dose because i am only on the introductory dose. Thank you, I have for too lonjg done nothing and willowed in my pain istead of actively doing something.Thank you, I will try and do something to take my mind off things.
Thanks alot!
Laura xx
Well today has been yet another day of high and lows. I wouldn't say either the highs or the lows were you know out of control. Just a general feeling of low or that things could get better and a glimpse of a bright future. The low feelings are the ones that last longer...of course! I think that I am feeling worse because I am not working and you know getting out and secondly and most importantly I believe it is because of home life in itself and I mean that in two ways,one because of my relationship with my mum and sister and secondly because I really hate the area my mum has moved to.Its very drab and dreary and I just don't feel at home here! So I think there are numerous reasons as to why my feelings are so low.I generally feel better and get on better where I actually like where I am living. So not liking my home life and my surroundings is a major contributing factor to my depression.
I have been thinking alot lately (Of course I have) about my feelings toward children, after having dinner out last night where there were some screaming children! At first I felt so uncomfortable but then when I kind of pushed my uncomfort aside I realised that I am just one of those people who is not particularly bothered about other people's kids.Like I have friends who see kids and babies out and they are like awww and how cute but im not really like that but thats ok. So anyway thats it for now!
bye x
Hello again,
I need a rant and this is the only place I think I can do that. There are 3 things on my mind that are just hanging around along with the rest of the junk thats in my brain.
1) My mum
2) My friend
3) Getting a job and moving out
Ok so the first, I seriously am not getting on with my mum at all at the minute. Its worse because we live together (which I hate an extrodinary amount) and its only getting worse! She treats me like a kid, I don't have my own life at the minute which I know is my fault but she makes it so difficult for me to have one. When I go out its like where are you going, how long will you be, when will you be home, alot of the time she wants to come, why are you doing that etc etc and I am 23! Every time I am on the phone or get a text she wants to know who it is and what they want... a few weeks back we were shopping in Sheffield and my friend kept texting me, we were just talking about how I was doing that day and my drs appoinment and she was like who is it, what do they want and I just said its none of your business and then she started saying she thought I was speaking to people on the internet and didn't want me geting mixed up with people over the internet and meeting with people blah blah. I couldn't belive it,i was only speaking to a friend who she has met on numerous occasions! I can't stand it for much longer but its hard because in order to move out I need a job so I can get money and pay rent etc but in order to get a job I need to get better which is,of course, taking time! I don't know where to go with this one but I know If I live here much longer I will hit rock bottom and really be ill. :shrug:
2)My friend. Now I know people can't understand exactly what we go through and can only offer what they can. I have a friend who knows everything about what I go through and has been open to what I have told her.However she sometimes annoys me, she is 2 sheets to the wind and everything is great for her and her happy little world. (well thats what it feels like) Because I realised things were tense between us a few weeks ago I gave her the link to this podcast I'd been listening to which explained alot about intrusive thoughts and obsessions. I also gave her this website so she could see my blogs and understand what Im kind of going through. She has neither listened to the podcast or looked at the website in any depth. She has looked at the left side of the screen where it explains about the different disorders etc but not at the forum which I specifically told her when she asked what I go through. I don't know where to go from here with her, im not totally involved that I don't see she has her life but everytime we talk about meeting up she always finds some way to let me know that she is squeezing me in to her schedule. She does try but she has a way of just saying the same thing over and over. I understand she may not understand it but thats why I gave her the podcast and this so she could a little but she hasn't. :mad:
3) I need a job, I really want a job somewhere in the area of what I studied in but noone will give me the chance even though I got a good degree. I understand this isn't personal and it doesn't feel like that but im just fed up that I can't get a job. This leads me on to the other getting my own place. Its even harder with my mum because I was used to my independance of living at uni and I want that back. But getting the job and a place seems so far away and I need to get better, it just seems like a viscious circle.:weep:
Sorry for my rant but there you go!:blush:
Laura
Just on a quick note I just looked up pure o on google to see if there were any articles about it and came across this site called OCD Online. There's this article type thing called Thinking the Unthinkable. I have read quite a lot of it and seems quite a good resource. Thought I would share it!
http://www.ocdonline.com/articlephillipson1.php Thats the link! x
nervy-paul
08-04-10, 21:16
Hey Laura,
Sorry to hear about your latest update above, which I have just finished reading. Depression/anxiety/ocd aren't easy at the best of times, and when the people you are closest too don't understand, it makes it ten-times-worse!!
I can understand your upset and your frustrations, it's like running round in circles or hitting your head against a brick wall sometimes!! And that's when you have the energy to do either!! As I have said before, you are always welcome to email me, even if your just wanting someone to 'rant' to and get things out of your head.
Take care :) :hugs:
Thank you Paul, you are,as ever a support to me!
Yes I am finding it very difficult at the minute especially seeing as though I feel I have no support at all. Except for the few on here that help me my friends aren't bothered and in a way at least I know who I can't count on.
x
Hello again,
Just a bit sad right now.I am supposed to be going out tonight for a friends birthday however I am finding it very hard getting in the right frame of mind to go out! My friend who I am staying with has given me a book to read called mind over mood and I just read some of it. I have had such a nice day shopping and going out and stuff and then I read this book, one of the persons they speak about (an example person) is someone who was sexually molested by her father when she was young and its hit me pretty hard. I had to stop reading because it just makes me go tense and shut off. How do I stop reacting to these stories or does everyone react like this?Is this a "normal" reaction?! Please help if you can x
Laura,
Re job, what was your degree in? You never know someone might know someone who knows someone.
one of us
Jabbathehutt
10-04-10, 23:16
Hi Laura, hope things pick up for you soon, sounds like you're going through a hell of a time.
With regards to getting a job, moving out, etc I reckon you shouldn't just focus on what you studied, and maybe settle for the first thing that comes along. It won't be ideal (I know, I've done some real crappy jobs!!), but it will be at least an income, and a way to get your own place. Once you're working, you never know where it'll lead to. With the right company it might open up doors to what you want to be doing. And even if this doesn't happen it'll be really good for you to be earning a steady wage (really hope that doesn't sound too patronising!), and you'll be able to look for something better/more suitable.
And please try not to get too disheartened if you can't get a job you want straight away. I graduated ten years ago, and never got near working in the area that I studied. I'm sure you're way more motivated than I ever was though, so keep trying and the best of luck to ya!!
As for your friend, I'm sure she's trying her best, even if it doesn't show. She's taken an interest in you and it sounds like she wants to help and that she cares about you, so please bear that in mind.
Anyway, all the best, and take care!
Read about pyroluria, it causes anxiety, depression and obsessive thought patterns. and can vary in intensity from person to person. I feel your pain, reminds me of life before my own diagnosis.lol c
Hello,
Oneofus I studied events Management at university and I have been looking for jobs in that area but also at jobs in hotels and with companies as marketing interns etc.
Jabba- Thanks for the reply, yes I had begun to start thinking that maybe I should just get a normal job to ease my way back into working rather than getting a stressful job right off the mark! Don't worry, you don't sound patronising! Last night I got talking to a friend of mine and she told me that she found a job, just a coffee shop job but it gets her out and gives her a wage and thinks it may be a good idea for me to do the same. So I think I may give it a shot and look for any job!
Chrislot I have looked at pyroluria and yes it could be viable however our doctors tend to just go with one diagnosis and stick with that.However on Tuesaday when im back at the drs I will ask.
Thanks alot you guys because last night was so hard for me and I had a bit of a meltdown at one point where I couldn't stop crying in the toilet and you helped me so thanks xxx
Hi Laura,
I wanted to reply to your post about 'normal reactions'.
I have times, days, even longer when i have to censor what information comes my way. Im not big on reading so its usually via the tv. Anything really sad, horrific or violet is a no no and I'll change the channel and it could be news, documentaries or even movies. Sometimes none of this is an issue for me.
If Im reacting like this, I usually take it as an indication of how I am feeling or at least part of me is feeling at the time.
I was thinking that maybe you've a very sensitive child inside that is really struggling and is in need of some loving, attention and soothing. If you're not getting it or able to take it externally, then you can do it yourself.
I dont hardly know you but i do think you need to be considering this. I hope this helps
take care .. andrew
Thank you very much Andrew, that makes sense because I really can't watch the news and I know what types of tv programmes I can handle and which I can't. Like you said sometimes I can handle it but at the minute I am sensitive to basically everything! I know I am not in a good place right now and that anything can trigger my upset and dispair.
I don't have many people to talk to, I have two friends.One has known for a while and tries to help but can sometimes do more harm than good with what she says. The other was a bit of a revelation.Last night I was very sad and she spoke to me and asked what was going on and so I told her and she said I had told her parts of it before but never really explained it all. She understood more than I could have hoped. She has dealt with mental health for a while because her mother and brother suffer from it and she told me that she had thoughts before and was scared stiff that she would act on them. She got over them because she spoke to her boyfriend about it and he calmed her down and she managed to understand why before it got out of hand. Sadly I didn't have that and mine have gotten out of control but I am trying to overcome it all! But I have lapses and the fear overcomes me, it feels like fear builds up in side until it fills every corner of my body.
X
Hi Laura,
You're welcome for the thanks.
Its good that you've got some friends, its nice to be cared about.
I can read that you are trying to not let your fears overcome you and i see you post very openly about some of your ocd issues, looking for advice and support. I wondered if you where getting any counselling or doing anything else to help yourself out?
tc andrew
Well I am on anti-depressants but I am on a very low dose. I will be going back to the Doctors on Tuesday and she hinted last time it would be very likely I will need to increase my medication.So I have that and last time I went to the doctors she referred me to a counsellor, only thing with this is I've heard that someone was referred six weeks or so ago and they still haven't heard anything so i could be in for a wait.
Laura x
hi again laura,
Yes the NHS might take ages. I think the charities like MIND and SANE do counselling on the cheap for a nominal fee, maybe they are in your area. You've got No Panic, another charity based org that do telephone based groups and one 2 ones, or at least they used to. Ive done them before, they were alright. Might be worth looking into.
Let it be your choice whether you increase your medication
take care .. andrew
Thank you for your suggestions, I will take a look at those.
Oh yes I definately agree with needing to increase, I am feeling hardly any difference with my mood. The therapeutic dose for my medication is 30mg to 45 and im on 15mg right now. I have no qualms for increasing as the 15mg just hasn't touched my depression. But I am very open to helping myself with books, therapy etc so I will look into those charities.Thanks x
I have bee back to the doctors today and I have had my dosage increased as I predicted I would have to. Chrislot I asked her about polyuria and to be honest I really wan't impressed by her answer,firstly she thought it was an illness which was just a problem passing urine. I explained that I had been told it could possibly be the reason why. She said no its only a illness where those cant pass water??!! And I just realised I said it wrong, i said polyuria instead of pyroluria. Duh! Perhaps next time I see her I will bring it up!
x
Hi Laura,
Hopefully this medication increase will help you out.
take care .. andrew
Hallam,
I have bee back to the doctors today and I have had my dosage increased as I predicted I would have to. Chrislot I asked her about polyuria and to be honest I really wan't impressed by her answer,firstly she thought it was an illness which was just a problem passing urine. I explained that I had been told it could possibly be the reason why. She said no its only a illness where those cant pass water??!! And I just realised I said it wrong, i said polyuria instead of pyroluria. Duh! Perhaps next time I see her I will bring it up!
x
There is some information about pyroluria http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pyroluria
It is not an accepted medical practice to quote the above
Few, if any, medical experts regard the condition as genuine, and few or no articles on pyroluria are found in modern medical literature;[/URL] the approach is described as "snake oil" by pediatrician and author Julian Haber. (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pyroluria#cite_note-27)
So I doubt if you're doctor would be aware of it.
[URL="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pyroluria#cite_note-Skertic-20"]
Ah ok thank you oneofus. Its not a big deal to me anyway as long as I start to feel better! Thanks for letting me know.
And thank you Andrew for your kind words.
I just hope I start to feel somewhat better soon. I took my first 30mg tablet last night and woke up very late today and went to make myself and my mum a hot drink but because I was too busy putting my toast in and taking my morning tablets and forgot to put the kettle on (I put the cold kettle water into the mugs thinking I'd boiled it) my mum believes these tablets are no good?Anything she can do to blame the tablets she will.Its like living with a child the way she behaves some times. I am now looking for any job so that I can move out and have some space.I think that will help me anyway so im going down that route.
xxx
Hello,
Just a little update. I applied for a job this morning at a place called manpower. Looked good, good wage, good benefits. They called me this afternoon and asked for me to go in tomorrow at 3 for an informal meeting. Its part time but with a good wage so I can afford it I think but i'll wait until they tell me how much. Im a little nervous but more looking forward to getting out and earning some money.
Laura xxx
nervy-paul
14-04-10, 19:03
Wow!! That is just wonderful news Laura!! :D All the very best with your job meeting tommorrow, and good on you for going for it in the first place. Good luck, and I'll be thinking of you thursday afternoon. :yesyes: :yesyes:
Hi everyone,
just thought I would give a quick update! It went really well yesterday, had to fill out a stupid amount of forms but went well! Took their online test and passed. Today I got a call, they want me for an "experience day" on wednesday, if that goes well it is an interview and then I start. I went to meet up with my old university tutor today to speak about getting some voluntary work in events so that soon I could actually get a job in events! It looks very promising so fingers crossed! Thanks everyone for your kind words!
xxx
I'm so pleased for you. Well done:yesyes::hugs:
Myra x
nervy-paul
16-04-10, 19:42
Well done Laura, and well done on all you did too, you must feel great after such a good positive day. I am pleased for you, and I love your new avatar.
Hey Laura,
Am so pleased for you hun.....wondered how you got on. You deserve this break. Wonderful... Love Jo.xx
Thanks everyone! You all mean so much to me and when I go and try and help myself to have a better life I always have you guys in mind because you help me everyday.Thank you xxx
Hello, me again!
Well I went to see the surgery counsellor today. I cried ALOT, I just spoke about my past and really whats gone on. I explained I have intrusive thoughts, I didn't go into any detail though as there was no time left. Thing is, it went well and I felt better just after but then my mood really took a turn for the worst and I have felt like the pits all day. When I got back from signing on I just went back to my room and laid there watching a tv programme I like that takes my mind off it all. I usually spend the day downstairs but today I just couldn't and hid in there.
I keep ruminating, like I ont even have a bad thought or "spike" but I will ruminate and constantly think. I try and outwit myself or try and think of why I don't want to hurt children. But it all comes back down to the same thing, "i must be a awful person who wants to hurt people" or one day "I will lose control and hurt someone". I just can't think of a way around it, I mean some people have these thoughts and act on them,thats scares me so much. I am constantly trying to think of ways I can go and live somewhere where I wont hurt someone or there aren't alot of people around. I have an appointment next week to see the counsellor again but im a bit scared. She wants me to talk about my intrusive thoughts next week, but im scared that she'll think im just that person im scared I am.
She asked me a series of question after ward and said that i am roughly moderate/severe depressed and severely anxious.
Please reply if you can, I would appreciate your advice/suggestions xxx
Hello,
Im having yet another bad day....I really wonder if there's any good days??!! Please reply if you can because it really helps me when I am feeling like this.
I wonder if there's somewhere I can go to help myself?
x
hi laura,
I thought you had a good day recently so you know they do happen.
About your post from seeing the counsellor yesterday. Sounds like you've gone in there with 'your heart on your sleeve' and opened yourself up to alot of sadness. Its hard to turn those feelings off or around quickly. I would need to comfort, reassure and affirm myself afterwards - however much i needed to. Are you doing any of this? Because the more you are ok with yourself, the more capable you will be to win the internal arguement with your ocd.
Its sounds like you are making headway with the ocd, are you trying the swarthz 4 step thingy? And you can decide what to say in counselling next week, when you get there.
Its not you, its the ocd. Try not to give yourself a hard time, you can get thru this.
Take care .. andrew
Thank you Andrew,
Yeah I guess so, its just at the minute I have bad times even throughout the good days.I miss the time when I went for days without having a bad thought and now I have them nearly all day everyday. Thats a hard pill to swallow.
Yeah I kind of went into alot from my past that was upsetting yesterday. I don't eve usually comfort or reassure myself because I don't much like myself.And I think thats due to the depression I have along with the ocd. Perhaps if the depression lifts and I can feeel better about myself I may be able to be ok with me.
I haven't tried using any CBT techniques yet but I am hoping to buy some books that will help me, sad thing is I can only read them at times when my mum isn't about because she doesn't believe in ocd or "mental illness". I got some books from the library about it so maybe I can look through them.
Thank you for your post xx
hi again laura,
Well firstly, never give up hope, the good days will come back.
I dont really know how to stress enough to you, that you try and make start on comforting, reassuring and affirming yourself every day irregards of how you feel - the feelings will follow the thoughts eventually, or so i was told.
I think that 4 step technique its written clearly on the self help bit of the ocduk website. Bookwise - something on transactional analysis, might help you look at yourself from a better perspective.
We dont get to pick our own family, im sure she loves you.
You take care .. andrew
nervy-paul
20-04-10, 19:56
Best of luck with your 'experience day' tommorrow Laura! I'm sure it'll go great for you!! :yesyes: Let us know how it goes.
Thanks Andrew,I will try but I do find it very hard to be on my own side! I have Schwartz's book brain lock already so I'll have a look at it. I know but when your family are part of the source of your unhappiness its hard. Thanks for the input!
Thanks Paul, Im not really sure what to expect from tomorrow but lets hope its a way to take my mind off my brain junk! xxxx
Hello,
The "experience day" went well and I have been asked back again for an interview on Monday. However this afternoon I looked at my e-mails and I have been asked for an interview day at Tankersley Manor on May 18th! I applied for this job ages ago and didn't really think anything of it, its for a Events Graduate Program which is something I really want to do! However when im out and about and in contact with people I can't help thinking "they don't know im an awful person, they would hate me if they knew my thoughts" etc etc. I don't seem to be able to stop these kind of thoughts also. Also I've had something on my mind for a while which is getting to me, I've always wanted to be a wedding planner or an events planner in a hotel but now im scared to be because I don't want to work with children in any way. Anyway there's my update!
xx
Well done and good luck with your interview!! Don't worry about the thoughts when you are in contact with people. They are only thoughts. No-one knows what you're thinking and you don't know what they are thinking!! Anxiety will automatically bring them, especially at first when you don't know people and feel uncomfortable. No matter what they are only thoughts and aren't really important, although they seem worse when you are under stress and with people. They'll fade eventually when your confidence grows. You've done so well and deserve the best. Let us know how you get on at the manor. Be proud of yourself.
Myra x:hugs:
Hi Laura,
Pleased to read that your 'experience' day went well and that other opportunities are opening up for you.
You might have overcome your ocd intrusive thoughts by the time you become an events organiser.
You take care .. andrew
Hi guys, (sorry that these posts all seem to be the same)
But I am really struggling right now. I don't seem to be able to get away from this all day long. Usually I will just ruminate and think about it for hours!(and i mean hours!) or other times I will have an original thought and then obsess over that. Its usually just the rumination, like I will wake up and think oh ok so I can't go out today because I may have a horrible thought, and that must mean that I do want to hurt someone, rather than have a horrible thought and then think what it must mean afterwards. However today I was stripping paint off my chest of drawers today and listening to the radio and the news came on! (bad idea anyway) but I heard the report about the catholic child abuse case. That triggered a thought spike which led me to think about it all afternoon. I had started to feel good again and then we went out just to the chip shop and I saw a kid and then it started all again. I just keep thinking this isn't ocd, this isn't intrusive thoughts, this must be what I want for it to always be there and for me to have had it for 5 years. I really don't know what to do, and whats scary is that suicidal thoughts have started to enter my head. Not in any detail but just the thought. I don't know how to move forward. Can anyone help me? x
nervy-paul
22-04-10, 19:37
Firstly, well done on your experience day going well, it says alot about you and how you have progressed that you are out there doing that and getting on well. Praise yourself on these things, it is important to give yourself praise, no matter how big or small the accomplishment is.
What made suicidal thoughts come into your head? Was it a particular event or thought? I think the thoughts like that are fairly natural when you're depressed and/or anxious - as long as it doesn't become a obsessional thought that is.
From what you say and what I know about ocd myself, I would still say that what you have is ocd, really and truely it is, in my opinion anyway. Feel free to PM me anytime Laura, I'm here for you if you need me.:hugs:
Hi Paul,
Hmm the suicidal thoughts pretty much came because on Monday at my counselling appointment she has asked me if I'd had suicidal thoughts for her record. I said no because I haven't really but the thought has come to me over the past couple of days because I have felt really very low. I am just really scared that its not ocd and its just me and that I am inherently evil. I do know from books I have read that this is normally what those with ocd or "pure o" believe. I just keep think I'll be the exception I bet. I dunno I just keep thinking all the time!
You are not evil - this is also an intrusive thought!! Claire Weekes says thoughts can be grotesque, and we follow them through to find out the worst. This, without a doubt, is why you are suffering. You are only doing what people with intrusive thoughts do - torment themselves!! I know that it seems impossible at times, but please try not to let these thoughts bother you, no matter how many times they happen. They will never go whilst you are afraid of them. You will have bad thoughts about whatever seems the most abhorrent subject to you and the thoughts are far removed from the person you really are. Never forget this. They are nothing but a symptom of anxiety/depression because they make you feel bad. If you stop being afraid of them then they'll happen less and less and even if they do happen then you won't be afraid and will take them in your stride. It can be done. Don't despair.:hugs:
Myra x
Thanks Myra, I just don't seem to be able to separate the thoughts from what is me and what is the anxiety/ocd. I have a history of this type of thinking though. When I was 7/8 I was petrified that I was gay and I cried all the time thinking I was, I prayed every night asking god to make me "normal". I had my sister blackmailing me saying she'd tell my parents what had happened between me and a girl across the road.We had kissed playing families. I was scared stiff and lived in fear until I was about 13/14 when my dad left the family.
The divorce took my mind off of my worries.Then when I was 17/18 I again wondered if I was gay as I was in a same sex relationship. I pretty much figured that I didn't feel that way and I became very depressed because she told me that she couldnt go on without me and would be very upset and so on so I stayed with her for a while longer. I was diagnosed with depression and began having intrusive thoughts, the same obsessional thoughts I still have today. Just wanted to give a little background to my thoughts. It helps having your input myra so thank you, I just can't seem to ignore them.
I believe it has gotten worse because I have been out of work and more time to think about it, I have avoided going out and avoided children so I panic when I do see them. This has gotten into a viscious circle as I don't like to go out now, I have begun to hate seeing children and resent them foe just being there. I can see how its all come about and writing it down,it does make sense how and why I feel that way.
Anyway thanks x
Hello guys,
Well yesterday and today have been pretty awful again.Im sorry that my posts are always negative nowadays.I am trying so hard but all day on my mind are my obsessions. It takes so much of my energy and really has me down in the gutter. I have been told what I deal with is not ocd however I truly beieve it is, because I read books and have read articles about it and it always speaks to me and fits in with what I go through all day. I live in a place I don't like, I live with my mum which I dont like, I don't have a job and so my life isn't great otherwise. However I am slowly trying to change things so that life gets better. I am seeing my counsellor tomorrow to speak about the intrusive thoughts. I don't think I can cope with this much longer so im hoping life gets better other wise I really don't know what to do.
Laura xx
Hi Laura,
How are you doing? No need to be sorry, you can only post whats on your mind.
Im not sure how to reply to this post, more questions come to mind than answers and you haven't asked to be questioned.
But i wanted to reply if only to wish you lots of support. tcx
Hi Andrew,
Thats fine, you can ask questions and all I can do is try and answer them. This might help, who knows?!! Thanks for your support
xx
Hiya, ok then. You wrote 'you dont really dont know what to do' - what do you mean by 'life getting better' ? what have you tried? what do you want to happen? tcx
Hi Laura,
Sorry to hear you seem to be having a not so nice time at the moment....have posted on mirtazipine site for you. Jo.xx
Thanks Myra, I just don't seem to be able to separate the thoughts from what is me and what is the anxiety/ocd. I have a history of this type of thinking though. When I was 7/8 I was petrified that I was gay and I cried all the time thinking I was, I prayed every night asking god to make me "normal". I had my sister blackmailing me saying she'd tell my parents what had happened between me and a girl across the road.We had kissed playing families. I was scared stiff and lived in fear until I was about 13/14 when my dad left the family.
The divorce took my mind off of my worries.Then when I was 17/18 I again wondered if I was gay as I was in a same sex relationship. I pretty much figured that I didn't feel that way and I became very depressed because she told me that she couldnt go on without me and would be very upset and so on so I stayed with her for a while longer. I was diagnosed with depression and began having intrusive thoughts, the same obsessional thoughts I still have today. Just wanted to give a little background to my thoughts. It helps having your input myra so thank you, I just can't seem to ignore them.
I believe it has gotten worse because I have been out of work and more time to think about it, I have avoided going out and avoided children so I panic when I do see them. This has gotten into a viscious circle as I don't like to go out now, I have begun to hate seeing children and resent them foe just being there. I can see how its all come about and writing it down,it does make sense how and why I feel that way.
Anyway thanks x
Laura,
I feel for you so much. I wish I could wave a wand and it would take all this away and make you happy. But I also know that you can learn to live with these thoughts, no matter how bad you feel. Please do not purposefully try and ignore the thoughts. Let them come, but don't shrink from them. Also, and I know this will seem difficult, don't stay away from children - remember, recovery comes in doing the things we fear. To hide yourself away is actually making you worse in the long run, honestly. Go out and about and face your fears. It's the only way, but it will help you. I can completely understand you when you say you hate seeing them and resent them - who wouldn't feel like this when feeling so afraid - but it's not the children, it's not you, it's those stupid thoughts and how they make you feel. Always remember that they can't do you any real harm. Think of the length of time you've had the thoughts and honestly, can you say they cause you any harm apart from tormenting you? Don't give them the importance. Let them happen and quietly carry on. Yes, I believe being out of work probably does make you feel low and make them more inclined to happen because I feel that depression makes them worse. Try to get out and about have some interests and you will get there.
Yes, I think some people are prone to different symptoms throughout most of their lives, but you can learn to keep them in the background and get on with living your life.
Myra x:hugs:
Thank you Myra,
I do understand what you are saying and I know I've made it worse for myself by avoiding whereas now I hate to go out! I hate that because I had never feared that before but this time its all gone too far! I am trying to let the thoughts just go through but when they take a different angle I get caught out and then the cycle begins again! No I suppose they haven't caused any harm except the inside turmoil, I just worry that they mean something.
Take yesterday I was feeling okish and went o my room to watch my favourite tv program, when I went to close my window I looked into the garden, next door was out in their garden with their 2/3 year old running around naked! Oh my god, I shut my window whilst averting my mind, shut my curtains and tried to watch my tv program.I just couldnt take it and had to go back downstairs!
I am trying to, I watch my favourite tv programs and see the life I want in each of the different programs but thats not going to happen if this carries on.
xxx
Hel_is_heaven
25-04-10, 20:36
Hallam - have u got a counsellor? It sounds like you need professional help with your past and we are not really the people who can do that.
I would very much recommend paying for a private one (NHS ones have a lost waiting list and also only offer 6 sessions which isnt enough to do anything in)
I am thinking of you and hope that you can get the help you need.
Helen x
know it is easy to avoid the things you worry about - e.g. children but this is NOT the answer - this is only confirming your anxiety/making you believe you are a person who cannot be trusted etc.
when i had horrible peadophile thoughts i made myself look after my nephew who was about 2 at the time - he answered the door with no pants on!!!!! can you imagine how my anxiety shot through the roof lol! however - i stayed and after reading books/playing with toys - my anxiety levels started to fall and i could glimpse that my thoughts were silly. I once remember having another really bad time when it was xmas and i got to the point where i said - right - i am going to go out and molest some children then! i then realised that this is not what i wanted to do whatsoever and found something else to do instead!
i would suggest that you purposefully watch tv - go somewhere where there are children and see your anxiety through. if you have been reading the same book? it basically says they only worry about people who do not worry about their thoughts and get pleasure out of them which you are most definitely not. i do know what you are going through - i wanted to put myself in a bubble/locked room - i felt my thoughts were so real but now i can smile at them - you will be able too x:winks:
hi laura - do you remember me posting this? you really need to work on your fear levels - it is the anxiety that is keeping your thoughts so strong. when you feel that wave of fear - focus on quietening the fear and accepting it - you will then start to have moments where you can see the thoughts are meaningless. it is usual for ocd to keep coming back from different angles - the most important thing is to let the thoughts be there BUT to not interact with them. Do not get drawn into the cycle of thinking - you cannot THINK your way out of this - i fell into the trap of thinking - if only i can get it straight in my mind - i will be ok - this is NOT how it works. Do not avoid anything - get out and about and work through seeing the fear you feel through - the thoughts will mean less and you will get to the point where if they come you can think - so what! they will then come less and less. It is difficult at the time but i can tell you that when you look back - you will be able to laugh at these thoughts. a counsellor will only tell you that you are sensitized to these thoughts and thats why they come - they will not be shocked - they will not want to lock you up and throw away the key. my counsellor did not turn a hair when i told him my worst thoughts years ago (i was mildly disappointed in his lack of reaction!).
the thing is - a counsellor can reassure you but they cannot do the work for you - the work needs to start with you and so that means not avoiding places/children, carrying on with the fear there etc. All you are doing is fuelling all your anxiety into these thoughts as a way of trying to contain it/deal with it. it is anxiety and nothing more xx
ps - you won;t be able to separate the thoughts from you at the moment because your are emotionally tired - when the fear starts to lift - your brain will start to be able to refresh itself and then you can start to separate the thoughts from "you".
Hello,
Firstly I would like to say thank you for everyone that replied. It was ncie to get home after a pretty hard day to see that someone had replied and given their advice and support on my post.
Hel is heaven yes at the minute I have a counsellor at my doctors surgery because my doctor referred me. Yes sadly it is just for six sessions however when I asked today what happens after I have had my six sessions she said that she will then assess what I need from then on.She said either she can refer me on to CBT or on to a psychologist. If this proves fruitless I will definately look at getting a private therapy as I too think I need to get help with my past and thoughts.
Joannap thank you for your reply, seeing you gives me so much hope that I can overcome this.Everything you describe really resonates with me! I know that I have made my situation worse by avoiding going out so I am trying to get out more and more to try and "face" it all. I saw my counsellor this morning and spoke about my intrusive thoughts.Like you said she didn't bat an eye lid and I was quite surprised by that. Thank you for your p.s note it really helped me because thats something I have worries over (of course I do!)
Thanks all xxxx
Laura I honestly think you have the strength to get through this and you are doing everything you can to help yourself. Some day you will be able to look back at this episode in your life and you will feel so proud of yourself for getting through it. You deserve recovery so much.
Myra x:hugs:
nervy-paul
27-04-10, 16:40
Laura I honestly think you have the strength to get through this and you are doing everything you can to help yourself. Some day you will be able to look back at this episode in your life and you will feel so proud of yourself for getting through it. You deserve recovery so much.
Myra x:hugs:
Myra summed it up for me. You are doing so much to help yourself, and shows how much inner strength you have. You're doing yourself proud. Good on you!! :yesyes: :hugs:
Hello,
Thank you both. Both Monday and Tuesday I spent out and was quite busy and I had some really shaky moments and my fear rose in certain situations but I got through it. I didn't feel stronger after though like I thought I would I felt weak. Anyway just wanted to say thanks
xxxxx
of course you felt weak lol! you were putting yourself in situations that you would have usually avoided - please do not expect to see instant results - it could take several weeks for you to feel the benefits but it is worth it!
Thanks Joanna, I did start to think that something was wrong with me.
There was a question that I really wanted to ask, most of the time the thoughts really distress me and make me feel really scared but then I'll have a thought other times and I wont have the quick reaction of fear I usually have but then the fear will rise after that. Some times I will just feel numb to them, like I wont feel anything or maybe just cant pinpoint what I am feeling and then I worry that I am not feeling something, is this "normal"? I still feel the fear riding inside though.
Also I love animals, I just absolutely adore them so earlier to take my mind off my "stuff" I went onto youtube to watch the funny videos where they speak or do funny things! Anyway I love orangutans, I just find them so sweet and I saw a video just where it was like a newscast about a new baby one at a zoo and I had a horrible thought of hurting it. I didn't feel anything though, even though I LOVE animals. Is this transference? Now im worried.
Whats really getting to me is that I really don't know how I feel anymore about anything. I just can't pinpoint them, and then my mind goes off and I start thinking well what are feelings? Who said what I am feeling inside is actually happiness when its something else? I used to think all I worried about was children but now I have tried to put that out of my mind for the day I have seen I worry about other stuff too like hurting animals, what my feelings and thoughts mean. I just wonder if this is just the cycle?
Any advice or suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
Laura xxxx
Whats really getting to me is that I really don't know how I feel anymore about anything. I just can't pinpoint them, and then my mind goes off and I start thinking well what are feelings? Who said what I am feeling inside is actually happiness when its something else? I used to think all I worried about was children but now I have tried to put that out of my mind for the day I have seen I worry about other stuff too like hurting animals, what my feelings and thoughts mean. I just wonder if this is just the cycle?You're now entering the "contemplative" phase - this is something we all go through at some point, usually in the form of a mid life crisis, when we become aware that we are not immortal, and we stop taking life for granted. In your case it's come about because of your illness and the bad experiences you've had.
You won't want to hear this, but there are no "easy" answers. You are now starting to figure out who you really are. This is a scary and disorientating process at first. basically, life has moved its goalposts, and you're floundering, because all the rules have changed. You will re-learn them. It doesn't happen quickly.
Life and reality have now become real and immediate. You're taking your first deep look at the way things work and you're asking WHY.
What is wrong with that? What is really so scary about looking for meaning in your life? EVERYONE has some meaning - EVERYONE has a path - it's just that we are not TOLD what it is - we discover it as we take the long journey through our lives, provided we have the guts and determination to get off our backsides and look!
Someone once said that real beauty is not finding a new place, but finding new eyes to see an old place with. This is where you gradually find new eyes. There is nothing to be afraid of. Trust me, as someone who has been and still is going through this. It's worth it when you come out the other side!
Anyway, are you going on a date with me or not? :P
PS Look up "dramatic chipmunk" ;)
Hello,
I think I got the gist of what you are talking about, like right now I have the time where I am now re-evaluating what is important and things like that.
What does scare me is what if I find out something I don't like or that is wrong? Thats what is really scaring me! But I really try and think to myself if I thought these things that scare me were "right" in my mind then they wouldn't scare me.
HAHA! Oh yes the date!
Thanks for your help!
Laura xxxxx
P.s I will check the chipmunk out
nervy-paul
30-04-10, 14:30
Dramatic chipmunk is good, he/she is a cute little thing and made me smile, their are variations too, like jedi chipmonk and bond chipmonk - I hope they the same for you Laura! :-)) Take care :hugs:
Thanks for the suggestion, I will check them out.
I am feeling quite low today mainly because I just can't seem to stop thinking about my intrusive thoughts. I guess I have sank back into the rumination today, I will have different thoughts that will kind of catch me out. I have said previously that my intrusive thoughts are rarely vivid images but rather questions or verbal thoughts so when I say I have had a intrusive thought it means verbally. So when I have an intrusive thought they can catch me off guard.
I am really worried: Firstly I have stopped reacting the way I used to but then worry about that.I mean one minute I will react by crying and feeling fear all over and then other times I will feel nothing, just numbness. Secondly the thoughts keep changing so I will go down that road in believing it until I realise its another intrusive thought.
Like today I was thinking of looking up an actress on IMDB to see what she's is doing nowadays in terms of movies/tv programmes and then I thought what if on her page it says something about her being abused when she was younger and then I thought well she has grown up pretty normal and is doing well so either she wasn't or she has gotten over it.My thoughts then turned to thinking what if I think its ok to abuse a child if they turned out ok. You can see how I then panicked and how it became a huge thing. I really am not sure if this is something to worry about and go and see a doctor or if its another angle.
Anyway there's my post and worry for today, Please advise on my worries if you can as I need to get some perspective on this.
Laura xxx
hi laura
i know exactly what you are getting at. i remember only saying a few months ago to my mum - i don't know who "me" is - i don't know how i think or feel about anything and that was almost just as scary as scary thoughts! Again - it is all ANXIETY. Basically - when you have felt frightened for so long you literally tire out your brain/emotions so its completely normal to not always feel what you think should be the corresponding emotion. When you are feeling fear - it is hard for you to feel any other emotion - it is so overwhelming. Also when you "watch" yourself so closely - you notice any tiny fluctuation whereas when we don;t have anxiety - we let our emotions flow through us - we don;t really notice them as much.
i know its difficult but you really need to accept, accept, accept - accept the times you think you should be fearful - also stop trying to "test" yourself by thinking fearful thoughts and then thinking - am i still frightened by them and then if you are not - thinking oh my god - does not mean i want to hurt children/animals etc. do you see how you are still keeping yourself in the fear cycle. the thoughts are not important - do you think people prosecuted by the rspca or paedophiles are worried about their thoughts - they don;t have a conscience and they certainly would not be on this site looking for reassurance.
it is also completely normal for your fearful thoughts to change - basically when you start to de sensitise yourself to one thought - another will take its place - i think i have had pretty much every scary thought there is - fear of hurting myself/others/pets/animals/children - its all part of anxiety and it actually shows you are getting better - do not fall into the trap of letting a new scary thought take you back to square one - realise that your brain will probably latch onto new things - you get through by accepting, facing the fear and not interacting with the thoughts - let them be there but say - right - you can be there as much as you like - give yourself permission for them to be there - i used to think - right i am going to think about you lots but then what i found was that when i welcomed them - my attention was then taken by other things going on - what you must not do is when you feel the fear - to start then trying to think things through - am i still scared etc. i am probably not explaining myself but there is a world of difference between the two approaches.
the first approach is like saying - ok thoughts - be there as much as you want - that's fine - i am not going to try not to think about you - in fact - i give myself permission for me to think about them as much as i want. this is accepting.
the second approach is thinking - if only i can work out why i am having these thoughts they might go, if only i could prove to myself i wouldn;t do these things they will go - this approach does not work.
basically laura - all that is wrong with you is that you are full of adrenalin and your mind is tired and having a tantrum.
i am a long way out of my setback but it may comfort you to know that i still feel anxious most days - still get scary thoughts etc but the difference is i don't let it bother me - i just ride it out and wait for it to lift whilst keeping myself busy.
you WILL be fine xx
ps - just read your last post - you don't need to stop the intrustive thoughts - you cannot stop them willingly - you need to let them be there - even if you think about them every other second - try to let them be there willingly - you will not go mad - they will not overtake them. letting them be there is the key to them starting to fade. the reason why you are having such extreme and different reactions to every thought is just the adrenalin and the fact your nervous system is tired - stop putting so much pressure on yourself to get rid of the fear and the thoughts - they will lift when you accept more but it will take time.
do not put pressure on yourself by thinking - will they be gone tomorrow or the day after. you would not expect a broken leg to heal in a few weeks - it could take many weeks and many ups/downs before you start to feel a lot better. you also get used to improvement quickly too - i was thinking - i am still quite anxious but when i look back only 6 weeks - i felt terrible! and i don';t feel terrible now so give yourself as much time as you need x
Hello Joanna,
Everything you say sounds completely true and really speaks to me Joanna, I just don't seem to be able to hold onto this when im in the "cycle". And even though I was freaking out about all of my feelings I could see myself keeping such a close eye on them and how I felt when I watched something or how I reacted and I was testing myself. It was like somewhere in my brain I was thinking ok so lets see how you feel about this and lets see how you feel about that. I could see it happening but I couldn't stop myself from doing it, it was like it was my form of a compulsion.
Plus I have been trying to stop the thoughts but mainly it really has been a major focus on my feelings and how I feel. Also like yourself I keep trying to figure out who I am and what is important to me and my feelings! I can feel my brain tiring and really getting exhausted! I am going to print out your post I think and carry it around because you words really make sense and hopefully when i feel bad I can look at it!
I think one of my downfalls is, is the length of time I have been scared of these thoughts. They started a few weeks before my 18th (5 years ago) when I was going through a rough time so I have been so used to having them and I think they have become a pattern but not only that I have been used to waking up thinking I am this or I am that. I believe you're way will get me a good way to recovery but I believe I need to re-train my thinking patterns as well.
Thank you for your help
Laura xxxx
even i find it hard when in the cycle - this is because fear overrides our logic - that is why it is essential to accept and float through when you feel really bad - you will wonder if you are doing it right - you will even wonder if it is making a difference but you will find that your fear levels start to come down in time x
If you want to chat about this stuff you can PM me, I haven't got time to make a long post here cos there's a Clint Eastwood film on, so we could probably break this whole tihng down into a smaller series of issues and deal with them one by one by PM.
Will you pay for the food on our date, only I've lost my wallet.
Oh, and I don't get up to mischief on the first date. Sorry! :P
Thank you Joanna, I will try from now to accept them as they are and lessen my fear.You are right I cannot "logic" my way out.God knows I have tried for 5 years and its gotten me nowehere.
Pyscho, hope you enjoy your film! Ah well yes I suppose I could save up! Unless you wanna wait until I got a super fly job! Oh dear no mischief then how will I get my daily laugh quota?!!
xxx
i used to try and logic my way out of relationship ocd - yes i have had that one too! i remember being at work in tears listing all the reasons why i loved/might not love my husband. around that time - i started to notice however that this fear would lift if i had something else to worry about. i also started to think - if i really wanted to leave my husband - i might be sad but i would just do it - i wouldn;t be panicking about "if" i did - this all helped me to see it was anxiety. i then just let the thoughts be there and i just said "so what" to them all the time. it only took a few months and i realised how it was purely all ocd - this obsession came back from time to time but i can honestly say it has not bothered me for AGES because i know it doesn;t mean anything - same with all the other scary thoughts i had. the calmer i became within myself - the more i could keep them in perspective.
i also used to worry about what was ocd and what was real - what i felt i should be worried about. if you have thoughts that won;t leave you alone - you feel tormented by them and you are always trying to find an answer then it is definitely ocd talking because non anxiety sufferers - say they did not not know whether they wanted to leave their marriage - they may spend a period of contemplation and feel sad/a bit unsure etc but they would not spend years on the same thoughts with no outcome in total panic!!! you can be sure that if you worry starts with "i worry that i will or what if" then it is ocd.
i have been floating through and accepting my anxiety for 6 weeks now. today i had my first completely anxiety free day - i just feel normal lol!!!! one thing that really helped me was to imagine myself moving forward towards and embracing my anxiety (afterall it is your bodies way of just trying to protect you) - if you can do this as willingly as you can - you will start to notice improvements. it is important to keep this up - you may do it for 5-6 days and have a significantly better day and think - yes - it works! but then you will kind of slip back into old habits. my recovery has felt very gradual - 2 steps forward and one back but i am getting there with no meds etc and you can too x
Thank you Joanna. That does make sense, I have to admit that I have had different types of ocd also. When i was younger I had HOCD and when I was in my one relationship I suffered from ROCD however I was not comfortable in that relationship in the end and I felt that the relationship was doing more harm than good. But before I felt this I suffered from ROCD, at one point I was so scared because I didn't feel like I was in love with them at that point that I totally freaked out and I could see how this could be detrimental in the future. I have not been in a relationship since all of this started because I don't feel like anyone else should have to or would even understand this.
Plus I have commitment issues, only slightly but I do. Since I haven't been in a relationship I felt my rocd was aimed at my friends especially one. I have this friend i have been friends with since I began uni, it was not a conscious effort on my part and I felt pretty acosted into this friendship. Anyway we are still friends - but lots of stuff really annoys me about her, I did wonder for a while think it was just me however others find her really annoying too. She knows everything about me and we hang out but I don't know if I actually like her. This has turned into an issue for me, however I don't have many other friends mainly because I've lost touch with many of them. I make friends easily and try but I feel like none of them are really like an amazing friend that I can count on except for the one girl who im not sure I even really like?!
When you say "I also used to worry about what was ocd and what was real - what i felt i should be worried about." I feel exactly the same! I always think oh what if this is really something for me to worry about? But when its rocd or about abusing children then I guess the worry really means something, I mean we wouldn't be worried if we really were that way or if we really didn't want to be with someone!
I have to say hearing your story really helps me because it worries me when I think all these things but the way you explain it completely makes sense and is really how I think. You say exactly the same words I say in my head! Which really helps me to understand it is ocd, especially when I can see the hocd and rocd in my past.
I will try and do what you say, what really worries me is that I have been this way for 5 years and is in a weird way what I am used to. I know that I want to get better and not feel this way. x
Here we go again. Now I am guessing what I have experienced tonight is an extension of my ocd. I think I may have aid in the past that I have a slight aversion to going in the shower. I am a stupidly clean person, its not because I want to be dirty. I think there are two reasons, one I don't like being naked (I feel dirty) and two I tend to "think" in the shower. Tonight I fell into the trap of thinking and not distracting myself and it has rather upset me.
I think I tried to "test" myself again by trying to figure out what I think is right and wrong.Is this yet another "test" or something. I tried thinking do I think child molestation is wrong, do I think murder is wrong,and so on,I didn't have an answer, I have really gotten myself worked up in my head and feel just on the edge of tears. I can't let myself cry - one because I wouldn't stop and two my mum doesn't "do" crying and would want to know everything. I am just hoping if the counsellor thinks I am a danger she will do something to have me locked up.
Im not sure what else to say so i'll leave it at that,
Laura
Hi Laura,
Im sorry to read that you are so upset, wishing you loads of hugs. If you need to have a cry, let it go.
It sounds like your intrusive thoughts and anxiety are back with a vengance. You're just having a bad time, you will get through it. You dont need to be locked up.
You take care, contact me if you want. xx
Hello,
Yes I am, I am having a rough time with these thoughts. The thing with me is that with these thoughts come feelings and its the rumination which really gets to me. There the "what do these thoughts really mean" I really think they mean something.If thats the ocd then ocd really does suck because this is awful. How do I get to the point where I feel ready to get better? I had a dream last night that everyone knew what my thoughts were and they avoided me and called me a paedophile.I woke up this morning really shaken and just feeling very numb!
I would love to see my counsellor just so i can tell her all of this so if she is troubled she can then take action. I can't see her until Monday so we'll see from there.
I am sorry if anyone has sent me a pm I just don't feel upto replying yet.
Thats all for now x
nervy-paul
03-05-10, 12:20
So sorry to hear you having a rough time of it lately. I know I've probably said this before, but have you tried 'getting rid' of your unpleasant thoughts by writing them down in a 'diary' of sorts? It might be worth a try and can only help.
One of the nasty things about this horrid disorder is that it plays on our deepest darkest fears and magnifies them, making them feel ten times worse. Ocd makes something from nothing, something that most people wouldn't think twice about, we think about ad nauseum.
I'm here if you need someone to 'rant' to. Take care of yourself :bighug1:
Hello Paul,
I have begun a diary of sorts thanks to your suggestion Paul! I am very weary of what I am putting in it as it is online and i don't want to offend anyone! Plus I have thought about doing a written diary but im a little scared of prying eyes!
Thank you so much for that middle part - it helps to see it written and understood!
xxx
Hi there,
To be honest I am not completely sure why I am writing this because I don't really have anything new to say. I went out yesterday and just about got through it, except my sister has told me that she is 7 weeks late on her period. I am slightly worried she is pregnant now. She told me a while ago that she'd come off the pill and they were going to try soon for a baby. So It wont be a shock if she is its just im not so sure how I am going to handle it. I am praying that this job for the Events Graduate comes through and I get it so I can be busy and perhaps not be living in this area when she has the baby. I am not a baby person anyway and they scare me but with these intrusive thoughts as well I am just am bit overwhelmed!
Well there we go, thats my daily input!
x
Hi again,
New day today. I have to say I haven't been so bad today and I should have really as I had an awful nights sleep with a bit of a horrible dream that I would usually spend the day worrying about but I went out with my mum. Anyway we were out in meadowhall and shopping for bathroom towels, went ok and then when we had missed the next bus we kept looking around. She went to Thomas Cook, I didn't worry because she had been umming and ahhhing for ages so I thought it was highly unlikely that she would book a holiday. After she'd looked we were outside and she wanted to know where to go next and I said well I don't know, she decided to go in to thomas cook to ask about late deals in may. Anyway to cut a long story short she booked a holiday for us and now I am in a panic! I did ask and she said that not many children went to this hotel because it was 4* anyway I get home and look at reviews and guess what alot of the reviews are from those with young families! The only thing I can do to console myself is that it is 19th-25th May and hopefully a lot of children wont be on their school holidays! I can see myself freaking out because of this!
Laura x
There shouldnt be many children during that period ,The school break is a week later .Im sure you will be ok once you start to relax when you get there .Holidays are always relaxing .Take plenty of things to read and listen to some music as you lay by the pool .If you explain to your Dr how anxious this is making you feel ,im sure he will give you something to help you ,the odd diaz wont hurt you ...Have a great time and try to look forward to the sunshine and nothing to do for a week .Things are always better than we imagine .Now go and sort out what clothes you are taking with you ....Luv Sue x
Thanks Suzy, you have put me mind at ease! I don't think there will be many, I hope not anyway. I went to the library today and got some books out to take with me, and I am looking into filling up my ipod with some things to help me. I went to the doctors today and after speaking we have decided that Mirtazapine isn't helping and so is putting me onto citalopram as I took that last year and it worked! I sadly didn't get a chance to ask about medicine for my holiday so I am goign to try and get by without it. I have my rescue remedy and enough distractions.
I am looking forward to going back as I went there when I was 8 and so it will be interesting to see how much its changed. I don't feel great about clothes etc because I have put so much weight on due to my increased appetite.Half the clothes I took on holiday in September don't even fit me any more! But thee's not much I can do about that now as I go in 12 days and I have my interview for that good job in 11days.
Thanks xx
:hugs:hi, im also sorry like the others tha tyou are suffering with this - but i think like others also and myself included you can recover form this - i had same as you, but about my own daughter - i wondered if i would hurt her one day after having a prolonged period of anxiety, and from that day i wouldnt be alone with her unless i knew where someone else was - my mother in law was so involved in our lives it was ridiculous - and like you she was totally unsympathetic and didnt have a clue, as to how devastating and debilitating this disorder actually is, she just kept taking my daughter for me!!! i wanted to take back control of my life and she wasnt ready to give up what she had with my daughter, this has caused alot of problems since ive recovered - by which i mean i have come to terms with the thoughts, as what they actually are - thoughts - have you ever gone on-line to look for advice? i found a site called ocduk - and i have never looked back. its such a shame to suffer like this when you will never do any of the things you think about - and you can think about them until you feel ill, but nothing will happen - you wont turn into what you think - you will just make yourself miserable - like i did, dont give into them - go on your holiday, see kids, feel anxious, ignore the anxiety and thoughts, distract yourself, anxiety will lessen, you will see that it is only anxiety and you will recover - it is an anxiety disorder, nothing more - but none th eless it is ruining the quality of your life and the enjoyment in your life - you dont have to let it? take care, emma xxxxx:hugs:
:)Hi emma,
Thank you for replying, it is very nice of you to give your experience as well.
Yes I can imagine with your own daughter it would be particularly distressing. I am sorry that your mother in law took the reins to that extreme! Yes I did try and ease my mum and sister into it by telling them about some of my other stuff like order and pulling my bed straight etc but they laughed and just told me I needed help! My sister seems to understand a little about my depression now but my mum is still very ignorant. She just doesn't want to know.
I will look on ocduk thanks, I do think about it until I feel ill or until I think my brain is going to explode, I have been absolutely hysterical about this in the past and its been awful. Thing is until the initial thought 5 years ago I had never given sexual abuse or anything like that a second thought. Now I keep looking into my past for signs but it just makes me feel awful, I know if I was what I am scared I am then it wouldn't scare me and make me feel this awful but its just trying to get that into my ocd head! Thank you emma, you have been very kind to offer advice.
Thanks xxx
hi laura
read back through your words - i tried to test myself, i have gotten myself worked up - you are putting yourself back in the fear cycle! why bother even thinking what is right and wrong? even if you came to the conclusion - yes - it is wrong you would probably then find another angle to argue!!!! IT IS NOT IMPORTANT! OCD thrives on thinking - you will NEVER find an answer - you will always go round in circles and this is what keeps your brain tired and your emotions tired and then you won;t be able to FEEL that murder/molestation is wrong. Why don;t you try telling yourself - right - i will go out and murder someone/molest a child because GUESS what - once you take the fear out of the thought - you will realise that you would never do such a thing!
I keep trying to impress on you that it is the FEAR/adrenalin that makes these thoughts seem so important and scary. You then freak out at the thoughts which adds adrenalin = more fear = more scary thoughts! It is very important that you do not let yourself be caught in the cycle. as soon as you find yourself thinking - is murder right/wrong etc or anything like this - tell yourself - i do not need to answer this right now and let yourself feel the fear - you are trying to keep the fear at bay by thinking round in circles - when you start seeing through the fear feelings that are underlying these thoughts - you will then start to feel the fear lift.
It is not good knowing what to do but not practising it - you need to do it every single time you feel the thoughts coming on but never try to stop them coming if they want to - let them be there but do not enter into a conversation with them and practise accepting and floating through any feelings of fear. you only wanted to cry because your fear was reaching high levels - IT IS ALL ANXIETY AND NOTHING MORE!
Only when you can start doing this can your mind start to refresh itself - your emotions will not be so tired and then you can start to feel like you are not a child molester/murderer etc but it could take several weeks of doing things the right way otherwise you will stay in the cycle.
trust in the process and i promise you will start to get better. this will not happen overnight - you will still have bad days but they will get better. 6 weeks on from my set back - NO SCARY THOUGHTS WHATSOEVER! What i mean by this is that if they come - i can laugh at them. This can be you so:
1) let yourself brain think what you want - positively welcome scary thoughts if they come - do not try to stop them - just let them be there but DO NOT enter into a conversation with them.
2) learn how to reassure yourself - talk to yourself kindly - e.g. - it is fine, it is just adrenalin, when i calm down - the thoughts will lessen (you will need to do this ALL the time).
3) When fear/panic hits - accept it and distract yourself without trying to run away.
Once you really start to understand how you are frightening yourself and doing the opposite of the above - you can start to reverse the process x
you have also started to associate the shower with thinking bad thoughts so no wonder you are reluctant to take one! take a radio in - say to yourself - brain - think what you like - i will observe your thoughts but i am not going to enter into a debate with them.
:yesyes::hugs:i totally agree with you joannap - i got all of this off ocduk - until then i was also a complete mess - i had suffered almost silently with this for years - even professionals hadnt picked up i was suffering ocd!!!!!
you do have to follow the steps - you will get them on ocduk - joannap is 100% correct - but it is starting the process of changing the way you relate to these thoughts that is the biggest hurdle - you can have your life back - you are so young and it is such a waste, because you do not wan to molest a child - that is the saddest part of it - we dont want to do these things - but we manage our whole lives around these thoughts!!!!!
if you wanted to do it you would have by now - and i can tell you - you would have no remorse!!!!!
please look at ocduk - you will get better form there on - everything joannap is saying is on that site - thats what its there for, take care and enjoy your holiday and good luck at the interview - we are all here for you in your fight to tackle this disabling anxiety disorder, emma xxxxx:hugs:
Hello,
Firstly thank you for replying both Joanna and emma. I am sorry that it seems as though you're advice is falling on deaf ears. It really isn't, when I read through it and reply I can fully understand where I'd been going wrong and see what im going through for what it is however I find it so hard to practice this. I am not sure I have conveyed this so much but intrusive thoughts aside I am very hard on myself and have a very low self esteem so to speak to myself kindly I find extremely difficult.
In terms of these intrusive thoughts I can see what you are saying and I do try to practice, having said that the different angle it then takes really catches me off guard and before I realise I am in a conversation with myself about it. Take today for instance I got up and for once I felt in a good mood and went shopping with my mum in a very busy meadowhall! The first part went really quite well, we were shopping for holiday stuff so I was really able to get into it and started to get excited. Then I was in primark and there was this kid screaming in his pram tugging at his trousers and I looked away. I don't know if its cause I thought he was going to pull them down or that I was going to have a bad thought but I looked and walked in the opposite direction. When I found my mum I just wanted to leave the shop.Then I had this thought when we walked past where the kid had been that I wanted to see where he was now. It caught me so off guard because I had been doing so well that I let it get to me and I entered into rumination. I completely forgot to put what you said into practice. And I got into a bad mood with my mum and rushed through shopping so we could come home.
I don't mean to share this story to annoy anyone because I am trying but im just finding it so hard. I am filling up while writing because I just want to sit and cry all the time.
I will look onto ocduk and try and read through brain lock by Jefferey Swartz to try and put this all into practice. I think part of it is because, though I know it is ocd because of my past patterns and just everything adds up to it being so part of my brain is saying no it is not ocd it is something else. I guess thats part of ocd as well. Anyway I just wanted to let you guys know that im trying my hardest but with the depression really not lifting its just so bleak.
Laura x
hi laura
it may surprise you to know that when i started to listen into the way i spoke to myself internally - i was sooooooo shocked! i talked to myself in such a horrible/negative way and this only adds to anxiety/depression - in fact - it is probably a huge part of it. you may find it difficult to begin with - i certainly did - but every time you think a negative thought - turn it around - put it this way - WHY do you speak to yourself like you do? Would you speak to your best friend like that? NO! So don't do it to yourself. It took me about 3 weeks of constantly challenging my thoughts to turn them around and now the positive ones come first - i am sure emmas will agree with me here on this one too because i have read she did the same! I remember years ago a GP saying to me - if you can think negative - you can think positive! and i remember thinking - well - that's easy for her to say - she is not in my brain but she was so right and it still took me years to take her advice on board. Basically - my massive improvements have only come after i have started to put in the hard work myself. All the medication in the world will not change your thoughts lol - you have to accept that this is how you are and take the steps to change it. It may seem wierd at first - but like learning to drive or a new language - it gets easier and things start to slot into place. So much of depression/anxiety comes from how we think about ourselves and the world and thoughts can be changed.
Do not be too hard on yourself regarding not spotting the rumination starting. This was a problem for me - first of all i would do it for several hours before i realised i had started again and now - i can spot it within minutes! We do not think our advice is falling on deaf ears - we just want you so much to realise that you are keeping yourself prisoner! I know it seems like an impossible feat - but every single time you feel anxious - you need to read through these posts and put everything into practice. It took me over 10 years to eventually start putting what i had learned into practice - i used to read a book or talk to a counsellor and expect to be cured! We don't want you to go ten years too lol - so start doing what you need to do and if you can truly stick at it and really understand the process - i promise you will see dramatic improvements within a few months xx
:hugs:hi hallam and joannap - i agree with everything you have said joannap, and i understand 1000% how you are feeling hallam:yesyes: - but it doesnt make it easy or bearable - it isnt, it is horrid, and finding out that this is what you have (ocd) - can be a huge shock at first, especially when you are then asked to accept responsibilty for it happening in the first place!!!! and it seems so unlikely that this is all being caused by anxiety - surely you are mad or bad or both? not just suffering from anxiety that has made your brain stick in a groove that you now have to manually get it out of - which is why it is exhausting at first to have to catch the thoughts, remind yourself what they are and then re-direct your attention elsewhere, while constantly reminding yourself that you will not see results immediatley - how frustrating!!!!! - but it does work:yesyes:
i can only repeat whats already been said - ocd is an anxiety disorder - like you both know low self-esteem and negative self talk of many many years, led up to these irrational thoughts, for me,which then like you terrified me and controlled my every waking and sometimes sleeping thoughts!!! it was a nightmare!!!! please take comfort that we can tell you almost word for word what you are feeling, because we experienced/experience - that surely must make you see that it isnt anything else, and the thoughts arent true!!!!
i still have the thoughts now - the only way i found to remain aware - as joannap has said is crucial to relating to these thougths differently - is to practice something called mindfullness meditation - otherwise i could not stay aware - i have to do this formal meditation every day - even when i dont want to or i really havent got time - becasue if i dont, i am not aware of the activity of my mind and before i know it im away with the fairies believing everything i think - thoughts are events they arent actually you! you are the person who can watch these thoughts, so therefore you dont have to believe thoughts if they dont serve you or they arent true - like - im a peadophile, im going to hurt someone, im going to hurt myself, im mad, im rubbish, im a loser, im a hopeless cause, i cant cope etc etc the list is endless - where is the truth in any of these thoughts? there isnt any - the truth is im none of these things, but for many many years i believed these thoughts without question - they were the truth to me, same as for you and joannap, same as for anyone who suffers like this.
you do not have to prove anything to us - we are well along with our recovery, you are at the beginning of yours - we are here to help you through that, by being there to constantly remind you that if we can recover so can you - you are not being judged:hugs: i am here as long as you need me to be, i can find time in any week to come on nmp, if you need the support it is there, take care and enjoy your hols:yesyes:
Hello,
Thank you both for your replies. They help me and when I get the chance to print it I will do and keep a copy with me. You know I read it and it really speaks to me and then I forget it so having it there in my bag will help. Especially if I take a copy with me on holiday that will help me!
I went to see my counsellor today, I have to say it really takes it out of me. I hold onto a lot of fear when I speak to someone about this. Again she did not react negatively, but I just get so scared that they are going to say, yes there is something to worry about, you need to be locked up.You know the usual! Anyway she said to me that I had previously spoken about seeing a psychologist and wanted to know if thats where I wanted to be referred. She said it would be a good idea but asked me about my reservations about it. I said that yes I did want to see a psychologist but I was scared that they might say that there was something sinister and there was something to worry about. Anyway she said that she was going to write a letter for referral and next week I could look at it and she was going to reccommend pyschology.
Thank you for your help. I am trying to just let the thoughts be, and just letting the anxiety be there. I am trying to not get into all of the rumination and stuff and just trying distraction. Its just hard - the counsellor today asked me questions which I totally understand why but they scared me a little like if they were images and stuff and about the fear. I asked her a question I really shouldn't have because it wasn't as though it would help me, I asked if people who actually want to hurt children would actually be scared and she said they might be but they would enjoy the thoughts. Its kind of been going around in my head since. Anyway I know focussing on this isn't going to help me any but you know I read somewhere that those with ocd are very impressionable by what others say and I have to say that is so true for me. I interpret everything and anything people say and obviously all of my own thoughts.
Laura x
:)hi, well glad you sound better - and i agree that you do forget to 'watch' your thoughts and instead get involved with them - but over time you should become better at noticing them - i dont know about being impressionable, id have thought it was more to do with ppl suffering ocd looking for reassurance - it isnt a nice thing to suffer with and it is understandable that you will want to beleive you arent capable of these things you think - but thats why there is no need to worry - you wan tto know you arent like that! but then even when you stop worrying you will worry some more that you dont feel particularly worried by your thoughts - i think thats more to do with that you stop being frightened of them all the time, because you know what they are, but then you will think it again and become worried that you werent worried:wacko: - but this will stop when you realise that the thoughts are just thoughts and not the truth - very hard, because you obviously question why they are there in th efirs tplace then? but jus tbecasue they came in the first place doesnt make them the truth - and i find that not being heard and having no close family member sympathise with you makes you more stressed and so more likely to suffer - the key is finding ways to deal with your stress, no matter what is causing it? emma xxx:hugs:
Thanks Emma, :)
Thanks for replying, what I meant by being impressionable is that I find when I speak to someone about it like my friend if they react in a weird way then it really affects me. Like I asked her that surely if I was that way, that if thats what I really wanted to do then I would have done something about it when I used to babysit my cousins (I didn't and never even had any thoughts back then) and what I guess I was looking for was reassurance and instead she just said I dunno. And that affected me all night and I ended up in the toilet most of the night crying. This is what i meant and also if someone says something then I tend to latch onto it and think about it.
Funnily enough I was speaking to my counsellor about this yesterday about just letting the thoughts being there and not fearing them and I pretty much said the same thing, that I was also scared of not fearing them and worrying about them. I said that basically the worrying and fearing is kind of like a protection for me, if I still fear and worry then Im aware and so it wont happen but she pointed out that by doing that I will live in fear and stay like this and obviously this just cant keep going on. I think I am starting to see it a little more clearly. I like yourself find it hard that I don't have anyone, having said that my sister is becoming a little more sensitive toward it all. She doesn't know everything though but I feel she is making small steps in understanding some of it.
I think we spoke a while ago in chat didn't we about having children etc, now you see the reason I feel I can't have any. Having said that I don't feel like I want any in the near future so it doesn't matter anyhow.
Laura xxx
Hi, I just want to thank Hallam, i've been going through something similar and it's reassuring to see that i'm not alone, i'd also like to thank Emma for her last post, just a moment ago I had another intrusive thought and I didn't immediately just let it go, I accepted it, then I started worrying that that meant I had accepted my worse fear so bad!!!
Mafuane, you are not alone. We all suffer in some way or another here and help each other through! You are not alone, sometimes on a good day or in a good hour I will have a bad thought and it wont bother me but then I worry that it hasn't bothered me. We have all been through this but when it hits it does take a while sometimes to realise that its just another part of it all.
Take care xxx
Thankyou! The silver lining of OCD is that we meet people who are there to support and comfort us in our hour of need :)
You are welcome!
Yes, thats a very nice way to put! xxx
that is why it is so nice coming on here because we all understand each other. my mum and husband are brilliant with my anxiety but other family members - if i told them my scary thoughts they would think i was nuts lol - (which we are definitely not!) and its because so many people are not aware of ocd etc - they have no understanding of it and so cannot even begin to understand how devastating it can be. sorry hallam11 if i have ever come accross as impatient - its just that when you realise how fear bluffs and keeps people stuck - you just want to free them asap but we all have to reach that point ourselves but we are all here to support you.
A big fear of mine was being "locked" up for my thoughts but this is never going to happen - again - it is just your anxiety making you think this could be a possibility. Once your fear levels start to come down - you will be able to see things in their true perspective.
i can understand your fear re having children - i am 35 and am thinking of possibly starting a family - and yes - i worry a little that the thoughts would return but they are just thoughts and many people with ocd/anxiety become parents so try not to worry about the future - concentrate on recovery in the here and now xx
Hello Joanna,
Yes I think that its nice that people on here understand and can offer support to others. Yes I know what you mean about what other people who don't suffer from it think. I spoke to my sister years ago but I don't know if she remembers any of that now. She is married and thinking about starting her family, she may be pregnant now and I don't think it would be right for me to speak about it with her now. And my mum, well she doesn't accept I have depression so I don't think she will deal with the ocd thoughts any better.
No please don't worry you don't, its just I feel so awful just coming on and saying the same things and not getting any better.I feel as though im letting you guys down when I am notreaching that point where I realise it is just the ocd and not me. I am just finding it hard to realise that its a disorder or illnesss and not me. I am slowly trying to see its ocd just by the past patterns and the fact this makes me feel so much fear and dread.
Yes like yourself I have that fear that they will lock me up! I am starting to see its not really going to happen even though sometimes I have a thought that it may be for the best.
I will try not to worry about the future because to be honest if it doesn't happen then it wouldn't be the end of the world for me. I try not to think that far ahead anyway.
I have started to read brain lock - and its making sense. I believe I will get there some time. Laura xxx
:Dhi guys - i remember us talking hallam in chat, you didnt mention the intrusive thoughts you were experiencing but having depression can make you feel you cant cope with a child so i understood - but not having children because of fear of harming them is different i think.
first things first is that you conquer this bout of ocd - then you can think about a family later on. but one thing is certain, depression and stress can bring it back - so i would be very careful if i were you to make sure that you are in a relationship with a nice guy who really loves you - then if later on for some reason you did have another bout - you would have enough care to get you through it. you sound very similar to me - in that the ppl you are around have no idea what you are feeling and are also maybe not very caring sympathetic ppl themselves - this makes things worse - you can only be responsible for so much, after that i think the ppl around you have a duty to you aswell - but this can cause problems because they dont see it like that, and again you have to be the accepting one who says 'well okay, i feel you have let me down over and over again, but in reality you havent done this on purpose and you just arent able for whatever reasons to help me right now'(?)
i have suffered now on and off since i was 14 and still my older sister talks to me about other ppl who have been depressed, anxious, had/do have ocd etc, but will never refer to my issues, or even talk about my problems openly with me - its like for her they just dont exist in me:wacko: but thats probably because she cant cope with it being so close to home and your family are prob the same - they dont intentionally do this, they arent as strong as we think they are - just because they get on with their lives, seemingly happily doesnt mean they are strong enough to help us - its a sad fact but we have to help ourselves - and i agree that its lovely when you find other ppl the same offering each other support:hugs:
btw hallam, how old are you and when do you go on holiday? also have you looked at ocduk yet?
hello and welcome mafuane:hugs:
Hello Emma,
Yes I remember the chat, I don't like to say about the intrusive thoughts because people have so many different reactions and I didn't want to make you feel uncomfortable.
Well to be honest I have never had that over whleming urge like others to have children. Before the intrusive thoughts I think I kinda felt that I HAD to have children but now im a little older I know that I don't HAVE to have them. Yes I know from experience that throughout times of stress or the opposite of nothing to do then it tends to rear its ugly head. I think its always going to be in the back of my mind even when I am able to manage it. I can see your point clearly of finding a support system. My family sounds just like yours, as in they can see it clearly in others if they have problems but are unwilling or uncapable of seeing it in me. So finding a partner I must find someone who really understands and who can be my rock if I fall on hard times again.
I remember feeling my first real depression at 17/18 so its been 5 years.
I am 23 years old and I go on holiday on wednesday and the interview is Tuesday. Yes I have looked at ocduk and joined also.
xx
I am such an idiot! I had to take these online tests for this all important interview on Tuesday and I just took them!
I have completely buggered them up. I find them so hard to take because most if the time the multiple choices tend to go from one extreme of making a great sale to being morally wrong! I know which one I wanna say but do they wanna hear that?
Then I had to take this call centre assessment and I think I really bummed out on it! There were four phases, a travel company, insurance, credit card and mobile phone and you had to choose the correct response, I think they were going ok until the last one, the travel one and I didn't make the sale! I am so pissed off with myself, I was so scared and tense about mucking it up and I did!
God damn!
Hiya,
Hopefully your feelings have calmed down about this. Mistakes happen. Obviously you've run it through in your head and be prepared to correct it if addressed at the interview. The interview is where the decission will be made, not an online test.
Try doing these type of things earlier in your day. You are going to be nervous, it means something to you. If your nervous at the interview, say so when they ask how you are. I always find it helps calm me down. You can only try your best. xx
I wondered if anybody could help or had any similar problems to this. I have been told that these thoughts I have, the ongoing bad thoughts are a form of OCD (Called pure "o") Funny enough it doesn't make it any easier to live with knowing there's a reason for it.
I have read somewhere that it could be useful to keep a daily diary to track progress or state of mind so I started last night.
hi there,
definately sounds like some form of OCD and a bit of depression ...depression can make you very angry against others, and have dreaful thoughts, have you trie going to the doctors to see if you can get anti depressents at al, maybe if you can calm the depression then you can concentrate on the OCD and constant worrying,and try to sort that... i hope you can sort it out i really do feel for you.
Thank you Andrew, I feel a little better about it today. I just know that I went wrong but mistakes happen and if it comes up I will correct it. Thanks for the idea about saying im nervous, I may well do this.
Hi Bobble, Yes my depression is a major part of me and I have been to the doctors. They first gave me mirtazapine but it hasn't worked so they are changing me to citalopram. I am hoping this clears up the depression. Thanks for the reply.
xxx
:hugs:hey hallam, well done for even taking those tests, going on holiday and just generally getting on with your life in the current circumstances - having high standards is also a common trait with ocd.
depression can and does distort things - we can take things personally when they arnt meant and blow things up out of all proportion - but when a family member is suffering so bad with a debilitating anxiety disorder and other family members turn the other cheek and leave you to sink or swim - this itself will cause depression - and if you want to be angry towrds ppl for letting you down then i think you should be encouraged to be intouch with you r feelings of anger - not to dismiss them or diminish them to make it more conveinient for others - or so you will be angry at yourself! these angry feeling can be felt - they wont kill you or anyone else - unexpressed anger is likey to lead to more depression in you and alot of resentment - tell the ppl who make you angry how and why you feel this way - dont hold it all in so you feel like you are the bad one and you are going to go mad! expressed anger will go in its own good time - punch a cushion or a pillow, it works!!!!!:winks:
this anger will drive you to get better and to make your life how you want it - eventually you will be able to say nobody could help you becasue they werent strong enough and that is their loss, how sad to not be able to help someone who is in mental anguish? - you may go on to be able to help ppl voluntarily, and so make use of your condition - good luck at the interview, remember it isnt going to be your only job opportunity - and go on holiday and plan all the lovely things you can do with your life, you will easily kick this horrible disorder and then you will be away - and i think you will make sure you only spend your time with ppl who make the effort to be compassionate and who have some degree of self awareness whereby they can take resposiblity for their part in your relationship:hugs:thats not to say you cant have relationships with the ppl in your life right now - it just means you will be in the driving seat of those relationships, sounds like youve already had the wher with all to decide that your life wont be mapped out by others - and this does happen it isnt in your head - lots of mums want nothing more than to keep their kids close, to become grandparents and to have masses of involvement in thier grown up kids lives - nothing wrong with that if its whats wanted by all involved and if boundaries can be kept? take care speak after you return from hols:shades::hugs:emma xxxx
Hello,
Well I just wanted to update before I go away. I may not get the chance to log on tomorrow as I have the interview at 1:30 until 5:30 and then me and my mum have to get a train to Manchester to book into our airport hotel. Anyway this weekend had been ok, I had been out and about, had some intrusive thoughts or more correctly just felt uncomfortable around children but I got through it and when I started to question myself again about my feelings I followed what you said and the four step system. I called them obsessive thoughts and just said its ok. I started to feel a little better and my mood got better.
Then today I went to meadowhall as per my mums request AGAIN, I have been there thursday,friday,sunday and today and I think I had just about had enough. My intrusive thoughts hit and I didn't do the system. Instead I believed them and got really sad and depressed again. I missed my counselling session as well today because my mum is off and she doesn't know about the counselling. I got really upset and panicky today about the holiday. After we booked the holiday and I got scared about going because of children being there I had a horrible intrusive thought but as usual it was so fast that I didn't kind of know what it entailed except that it was bad, anyway now I have this overwhelming sense of doom about the holiday that something bad is going to happen or that I am going to do something bad.
Anyway I know this is just a blip and I have to keep going its just I wish I didn't believe it all so much!
Emma- Thank you for your message, it actually makes a lot of sense to me because you kind of hit the nail on the head with the whole anger thing. I have so much anger from long ago up until now really bottled up inside. I get scared and it turns into anger also but I am so frightened of expressing it or of it just coming out because anger to me is dangerous. So I bottle it all up and now because there is just so much I don't know how to let it go. I do tend to wonder if this is why I cry alot and get upset so much.
I want to do so much and really want to live my life but right now I feel I have a boulder on my back.
Thank you
Laura xxx
Hey Hallam, do you live in sheff? *hence the hallam* XD because you mentioned meadowhall, I live in Sheff :D
Oh really you do? Yes I do, well I live in Rotherham which is close enough!!!
Its a small world isn 't it?! Lol I went to Sheffield Hallam University and loved the city but had to move back in with my mum after graduation but then she moved to rotherham so Im back!
I go to Sheffield University, so in term time I live in the city :D, Yeah I know where Rotherham is ^^, how weird, it is a small world!
Oh thats cool!!! I like the city. I hate Rotherham its awful! But there ya go!
Hello,
Just a quick update.On holiday, hotel has some pc's with internet access.
I am trying to relax but its hard. The rep lied when she said this hotel is mainly adult as it is clearly a family hotel with lots of children! I haven't been doing well and I am starting to think that i really am this way.I can't explain it very well right now but im suffering. To add insult to injury I did not get the job. They called me and said I wasn't successful and I am so bummed about that too!
I hope everyone else is doing ok. It hasn't helped with news over here about the lady who killed her kids and the dad being a paedophile. Anyway im running out of time.
Bye xxx
nervy-paul
23-05-10, 11:33
So sorry to hear about the job disappointment, it is a blow when we get knocked back like that, but you should remember that it's their loss! Their will be a job out there waiting for you, hang on in there and stay strong. ;-) Us on the forum are here for you and always ready to listen or advise.
Sorry too to hear about you struggling with the hotel and the other 'inhabitants' there, it can't be easy, try and find activities to distract you when you can. Thinking of you, and hope you manage to find some peace/relaxation whilst away.
Take care, Paul
Hi Laura,
So sorry to hear you didnt get the job...what a disappointment. I do hope that you have settled and are now enjoying your break away. Missed you on here. Take care. JO.xx
Hello,
Thank you for the reply Jo and Paul. I managed a little relaxation whilst away but the first few days were really hard, the Sunday,Monday and Tuesday were good and I enjoyed them. Next time I am going to do a little more research on where I go, my mum booked this one so next time we're going to have a look before hand.
I am so very sorry and disappointed I didn't get the job but there we go! I am now looking into going abroad with thomas cook and being one of their airport staff or wedding planners. We'll see, I don't think I can take much more rejection!
I am not sure how to describe how it was right now but soon I will update and explain what I went through in my head whilst away.
Thanks xxx
Hi Laura,
Glad you found some restbite on holiday...bless you!!! How is it going with the change over of meds? What stage are you at now hun? Hope you o.k. JO.xx
Hello Jo,
I went down to the 15mg the week before I went on holiday and stayed on 15mg throughout the holiday as well as taking the kalms so I just about got through it all!
I have finished with the mirtazapine now and I am waiting until tuesday or wednesday until I start on the citalopram. I am feeling slightly better at the minute so we'll see!
How are you anyway? xxxx
Hi Laura,
Well I had a couple or absolute horrible weeks where the awful anxiety lingered throughout most of the day on most days...how I managed work I'll never know but somehow i carried on and got through it. I went back to my gp on Tuesday and he prescribed pregabalin (a drug used to treat gad) its a very expensive drug and alot of GP's are not happy to prescribe it but he is brilliant my GP and when I asked him about it (I had got advice from people on here) he was happy to give it to me. Having said all that I have had three really good days (dont like saying that cos I'm tempting fate again) so I have got the meds but not taken them yet in case I settle down again.
I also was reading the threads on pregabalin earlier too and was a bit put off with the side effects mainly the one that says you can suffer dizziness and drunk feelings?? Sounds like going on mirtazipine lol!!! How would I work feeling like that? I have one more week before I have a weeks hols again so if I dip again I think I will wait until my week off before trying it as I have a deadline to meet at work next week and need to be feeling as well as poss.
These things are sent to try us hun but I think given the right treatment we can get better...I've just had it really bad this past episode. I had asked my gp about adding a srri to the mirtazipine as some people on here do that too but he was not happy to do that.
I am waiting for my counselling (cbt) to come up shouldn't be too much longer now so hopefully that will help too.
Thanks for asking...missed you this last week on here....glad you are back.
Take care hun.
JO.xx
Hey,
Yes I do remember before going on holiday that you were going through the mill! Its awful having an episode especially when having been ok for a while! Ah ok, I haven't heard about pregbalin before. Is that one of those types of drugs that helps the anxiety along with taking a normal anti-depressant?
Its a really good idea to keep them until you really need them.....I am glad things have settled down for you. I can't tell you how much I feel for those going through a particularly bad episode. Its completely gut wrenching and horrible.
They are definately sent to try us, all I could think on holiday was that god must be testing me as to just how far he can push me. I hope that you do get the cbt soon because anything that can help is going to be good. I have a counselling session on 7th June to go over a letter of refferral she is sending to the psychologist team. I am really nervous and scared about it to be honest with you.
I am scared about what they will say to me and also about my mum finding out. I haven't even told her about going to see the counsellor so I don't want to say anything about going to see a psychologist. I missed coming on here and talking to my friends however yesterday I was having a really quite good day and decided to stay off here when we got home as sometimes it can remind me of my troubles!
Take care too!
Laura xxx
Just a little update.........
My thoughts are still there but I have been trying to put into action the whole system of relabelling them as ocd thoughts and just trying to get better. My mood is slightly better at times but then takes a big dip at certain points during the day! I have taken my third citalopram tablet today and feeling a little queasy but im alrightish!
I have been trying to observe how i am feeling and there are two things that I wondered if anyone else worries about. Firstly my short term memory seems appalling right now. I cant remember conversations or things that I have been told. It isn't with everything but some things it effects badly. The second is confusion.....now I think this surrounds my thoughts anyway and because rumination is still something I struggle with daily I get so confused and half the time can't figure out things.
Just wondered if anyone else had or has this problem?
xxxx
nervy-paul
02-06-10, 16:13
Hey there!
Yes, I have been bothered with forgetting everyday things like conversations, or something I have gone somewhere to fetch. I can be standing in a supermarket looking dumb/thoughtful and not being able to remember what I was there for! Then I get home and remember.
As for the confusion, is it accompanied with a wooly-headed sort of feeling? I have had that alot, more so when I'm not having a good day. The brain just refuses to work properly. Hows that?
Hiya,
Yes you have completely hit the nail on the head there. Its just so irritating and confusing. Half the time I try and speak to my friend or counsellor about what going on in my head and I cant word it or before I try and speak I forget about it and cant remember. Some times I don't even know what i am feeling, I dont know what the feeling is?
x
Hello,
Thought I would give a little update. I am just about coping..... I am trying to put some of the stuff into action but I cant say I have been very good at it as I keep forgetting and going down the road to believing it and thats been causing alot of upset for me. I went to see my counsellor yesterday and she has written a letter of referral for me to the secondary care team as it will be my last counselling session on the 21st June. (six sessions) She has confirmed that I have ocd which is a little bit of a relief as now I know what it is. The thing that really gets to me is that I analyse everything like there's a toddler lives next door and Im really worried to look out of the windows and go outside etc but if I do look out the window and think to myself oh he could be out there and still look anyway then I feel awful and like a a pervert!
I am going to try and get a part time job and then volunteer in events at my old uni in their events department. I think this may be easier then going full on ahead into a full time job....I say this because I am not sure im ready for that.
Laura xxxx
Hello,
Well I thought that I would update on what is happening with me. I received news the other day that I had two interviews. One was at a call centre, just normal part time job and the other was through the job centre at a multifunctional centre where I would be a PR assistant. I loved the idea of the pr job but when I looked on the internet at the centre's website my heart dropped because part of it is an educational centre with a water park bit for kids and school trips and I freaked out. The amount of times I nearly called up to cancel because I was just scared that I may have to be around the children or see them but I forced myself to go and see what they said and then decide what to do.
So anyway I went today and had my interview.....I had been thinking about what to say and how to bring up the fact that I am not completely comfortable about children so I sat waiting for my interview really getting worked up. I took a spray of my rescue remedy and tried to calm down and then they called me and I went through. I had my interview with the manager from the centre and a lady who sorts out the jobs for the job centre. They asked me why I applied for the job and I spoke about why but I decided to speak about my uncomfort. I basically said that I didn't know exactly what the job entailed or what I would be doing but I am not really a "kid" person and don't want to work with children and the lady just smiled and said I am the same and the man said I have a 9 and 11 year old and I don't blame you. He said not to worry because that won't be part of my job and that I would be on the corporate and event side of the park. I was so pleased and immediately relaxed and had a brilliant interview.
They offered me the job and I accepted!
I start on Monday and I am really excited about it, I feel like I have succeeded and feel like my degree was worth it now. I began to freak out a little bit earlier when I thought to myself oh my god there are still going to be kids around and how am I going to cope but I calmed myself down and thought well there are kids everywhere you go really and I wouldn't be anywhere near them really. Don't get me wrong im still a little worried but im trying to put that to the back of my mind and just enjoy the good.
Laura xxx
Hi Laura,
Am so pleased for you hun!!! Well done!!! You so deserve a break and am well proud of you.....good luck with the job...let me know how you get on!!
Onwards and upwards girlie!!!
Take care.
JO.xx
Hi Laura,
I am so pleased to read that something you wanted has gone your way, well done for getting the job. It might be difficult at times but I know you'll do your best to cope. tcx
Thank you Jo and Andrew.....Thats some of the nicest things I've heard! I have been waiting for this for a while as you guys know and being offered this felt so surreal and odd but im trying to just be happy..
Thank you xxxxxxxxxx
:)hiya laura - well done, on coping and getting through and moving on whilst suffering from this very distressing anxiety disorder - just remember a phobia is fear plus avoidance - so you have the fear, but you refuse to avoid - thats the quickest route to recovery as you will see that no matter how high your anxiety can get, it always comes down on its own even if you dont avoid and you dont run away - i admire you a great deal, as you are young and this has obviously been a very upsetting period in your life - i think you can learn alot of lessons from something like this - it doesnt have to be all negative - good can come out of bad? take care and please let us know how the job is going, emma xxxx
Hi Laura,
Im thinking you start your new job tomorrow. Just wanted to say, good luck, hope you enjoy your first day. tcx
Hi guys,
I started my job yesterday and it was good, I think it will be hard at times with children there but I am hoping that I will get used to it all and it will soon not affect me. Laura x
nervy-paul
24-06-10, 16:11
Well done on the job front Laura! I am so so pleased for you!! That will be a great boost for your self-esteem. Good on you for sticking at it and being rewarded with a job, which I'm sure you will grow to love. Well done you!!:hugs: :yesyes:
Hey Laura,
Am chuffed to bits for you hun!!! So pleased that everything is working out. Your confidence will now grow and grow and I know you will be fine!! The job will keep you occupied too so that will help, having less time to think about things. I know it does with me.
Very proud of you...well done.
Take care.
Jo.xx
Thank you very much Jo and Paul. Thats makes me feel very nice! I am enjoying it but there are times I do feel very uncomfortable however I am trying my hardest to push past it.
Laura xxxxxx
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