Should I continue to assist in rituals

[ploppy]

Hi, I am relativley new here and only stumbled upon this site by accident.

My wife sufferes from OCD and panic attacks and has done so for the past 7 years.

At the moment she under going new therapy and after that CBT.

At the moment I am washing her cup out for making tea several times, as she does this and I am starting to worry that I may now be having traits for OCD.

I also find myself putting things in her order, ie food stuffs in the cupboard, so as to please and I wonder if I wasnt to do that, would she be upset, as i want her to get but better but sometimes it is very frustrating.

Does anyone have any suggestions, on wether to continue to her way or change the patterns.

Ploppy

[bellabessnjet]

Hi,
Hard question. I'm newly diagnosed OCD, mine is checking for ants, which also leads to cleaning everywhere, n crumbs, no water etc. I've recently been having CBT and tried to break my 'rituals' could only wash up once a day at 745pm, manged it for 3 days but caused to much disruption to my family. I then tried not to hoover every day which I've managed to do. What I would say is that both my husband and son have aspergers (autism) and rely heavily on routines, I do think that this has not helped my OCD and in some ways fed it. Maybe if you can try to break a few of the rituals your wife has slowly, and see how it goes. Sorry cant offer any more advice but wish you well.

[Veronica H]

Your partner will be given tasks to help her break these rituals during therapy. I would follow along with her at the moment rather than add confusion by suddenly changing your behaviour.:bighug1:This must be putting a strain on you but hang in there.

Veronicax

[looking4answers]

I don't know for sure but im inclined to believe if you live with someone that ocd you will eventually become that way yourself..

[Bill]

I agree that when you live with someone it's very easy to copy habits without even realising it because you're not aware your habits are rubbing off on your partner.

I also think that when you're caring for someone, no matter what illness or condition they're suffering from, the 24hr care will cause stress even if caring for them is something you want to do. This stress though can easily develop into anxiety so that if you're caring for someone with OCD, this stress could I suppose easily make you develop the same habits.

This I feel can cause a major problem because once you develop your partners habits, you then find them hard to break yourself and by copying habits, it can reinforce the incorrect behaviour. For instance, if there are 2 smokers but one wants to give it up, seeing the other smoking can make it harder to resist which is why I feel both parties need to learn how to support each other when trying to quit.

In a way, I often feel OCD is one of the easiest to say "how to stop" but one of the hardest to put theory into practise because the compulsion can feel so great due to the fear we feel but I also feel that you can easily learn how to be your wifes "therapist" providing she can put her faith into what you ask of her. Having faith in your therapist whether professional or your partner, is absolutely vital for the therapy to work because if you have no faith in them, your fear will always win because there will be too much doubt in what they advise.

The thing about CBT is that people often say it doesn't work because I think they feel it will cure them without them really having to do much. they expect it to work "for" them. In reality though, CBT only works if the sufferer is prepared to use CBT to help themselves.

When we suffer from panics, our fear of them makes us want to retreat away from them so we don't put ourselves in positions whereby panics will occur so that we avoid the feelings of being afraid. In exactly the same way, when someone suffers from OCD, they use an OCD ritual to stop themselves feeling the fear that have been produced by a frightening thought. The irrational ritual makes the anxiety subside but this means we are still afraid of that same situation so that the next time we're faced with it, the feelings rocket again until we perform the same ritual.

However, performing a ritual doesn't always work first time round so the rituals can then compound themselves into thinking different "safe" thoughts or repeating to "safe" numbers until we feel we can walk away from it. The trouble is, the more we repeat, the more the anxiety builds until we feel exhausted and can't leave something alone.

One thing I learnt about OCD is the "rollercoaster"- peaks and troughs. The peaks are the extreme anxiety and the troughs are after we perform a ritual. However, because we've performed a ritual, the anxiety will always return under the same circumstances because we haven't "de-sensitised" ourselves so therefore we remain "sensitive" to the frightening thought that keeps returning.

The way CBT works is by de-sensitising us to our fearful thoughts by making us allow the anxiety to reduce "gradually" so that the peaks and troughs pattern no longer exists. In other words, taking an action and learning to resist the compulsion of needing to repeat so that the fearful feelings gradually subside on their own.

This is why in theory it sounds easy but in practise it's extremely difficult. To give you an example, I used to have a fear of the colour black because I related it with dying and funerals. I still hate black but I'm no longer afraid of it. For instance, if I was walking along the street and wanted to cross the road but a black car came by, my OCD made me want to stay where I was until a "safe" coloured car came along. Only then could I cross the road because by waiting, my anxiety would subside. However, the next time I was in the same situation, I would still have the same fear if another black car came along.

Also though, if I then crossed the road and another black car came the opposite way, I'd have to go back across the road and start again! My anxiety would increase even more so that even when "safe" coloured cars came along "both" ways, I might see or think of some other frightening thought which would then also cause me to want to repeat. Then numbers would start so that I'd have to repeat to what I'd regard as a "safe" number.

That's just an example how OCD can affect someone and how the anxiety can grow until it feels a mountain to overcome hence the obsessive compulsion to want to repeat rituals in the attempt to cancel out anxious feelings.

I did go for CBT once but I couldn't find faith in my therapist so I decided to try to help myself by putting "easy theory" into "difficult practise!".....

Something I found that can help is creating a list of all the actions that can create OCD rituals. Once you have this list, grade them on a level from 1 to 10 with no.1's being the actions where you feel least anxiety to no.10's which terrify you! Working from this list develop a plan of order to work on then target just "ONE" action which is a no.1 which should be the first on your list. For instance, it could be placing something in a cupboard. You might get a frightening thought when placing it or need to read a "safe" word on a label or repeat to a "safe" no. etc. When you pick up the object, open the cupboard, place it inside (letting go Immediately) before closing the cupboard door...and do it ONCE ONLY! When you feel the slight anxious feelings (being a no.1 on your list) resist the temptation to re-open the door regardless of what you're thinking or feeling.

After you have done this, then move on to the second no.1 on your list and do exactly the same again....then the third no.1 and so on.

What you'll find will happen are 2 things - 1) you won't be able to repeat everything you've done because you'll "forget" what you were thinking and when, and 2) that the compulsion to want to repeat will subside so that you don't then even feel the need to want to repeat.

In this way, when nothing bad happens, you'll also be able to say to yourself it was actually "safe" to NOT repeat an action.

For instance, if I was doing my shoelaces up and someone walked past me, I'd connect it with a frightening thought of "passing away" which then raised my anxiety making me want to repeat a ritual. Therefore, I'd un-do my laces and re-do them up again but then maybe doing them up twice wasn't a "safe" number so I'd have to repeat for a third time and so on.

Therefore, the way to stop myself performing this OCD ritual was to resist the compulsion of re-doing them up the second time and just do them up ONCE regardless of what was going on around me or what I was thinking. In that way, the next time I was in the same situation i'd then say to myself "Well, nothing bad happened last time" so it must be safe to not to repeat regardless. I'd also find that by the end of the day, I'd have forgotten all about it because I would have allowed the anxiety to subside "gradually" and in that way also made me de-sensitise from that situation and the thoughts.

It's a case of proving to ourselves it's "safe" not to repeat rituals.

Therefore, if I was to help someone to overcome their OCD rituals, I'd create a list with them and help them overcome each action in turn from their no.1's and so on. You see, by starting at no.1's, your confidence gradually builds because each time you overcome an action, you prove to yourself ressting is "safe" so that by the time you reach the no.10's on your list they actually then feel like no.1's because your renewed self-confidence has overcome your fear.

Anyway, if the person I was trying to help had faith in what I said, if they felt anxious and wanted to repeat, I'd reassure them that it's perfectly safe to resist and to ask them to put their faith in what I said. When nothing bad happened and the anxious feelings had subsided, I would then use that to prove to them it was actually safe to leave. I would then just keep working through the list with them until they felt strong enough to be able to resist for themselves. However, it will ONLY work IF the sufferer is prepared to resist by confronting their fear just as CBT works.

Sorry that's long winded but I hope it's of some help.:shrug:

[charlotte83]

Hi,

I have had OCD for 11 years and I've also noticed some of the things I do rub off onto those around me. I have my OCD under control most of the time now but there are still daily things I do that I don't even realise I'm doing anymore, they have become habit. For example, I rewash cups that are taken out from the cupboard and always rinse taps before I turn them off. I suppose I didn't realise how odd it is until I was doing it in a public toilet and got a strange look!! The way I see it, your hands are dirty when you turn on a tap and then if you don't rinse the tap, you will just dirty your hands again turning it off!!
When your wife has CBT, she should be given a programme that helps her to lessen any rituals she is currently doing, which would also mean you would have to refrain from doing them for her. I think you need the proper guidance from a therapist on how to do this rather then just do it yourself, but for now, at least try not to do any more to assist the OCD then you are already doing.