Same old problem, will it ever go?

[3faces]

I havn't been on here for a while now....thought I was getting on with things and kidding myself the worst of my probs were behind me.
I started a new job yesterday, not quite sure how I made it in as my legs were like jelly and felt like crying. I was offered the job at the beginning of December so unfortunately, I had the whole month to fret about starting. I was suppose to go in this morning for 9.30 and instead I am here at my computer in floods of tears feeling like I want the ground to open up. Instead of ringing my employers and explaining which would be the decent thing to do, I took the coward's way out and e-mailed them. Everything I do makes me feel worse about myself. I feel so worthless, I let everyone down, all my children have gone back to school. They didn't want to go back but they do it anyway and my husband goes to work everyday....why can't I be normal?
I started taking Kalms to help but that dosn't stop the negative messages I give myself all the time. If I have CBT, I would have to spend some of our savings and I am already the reason why we have to watch the money all the time. I am really sorry for going on but everything happened this morning and I really thought things were going to be Ok. A new year, a new start, a new me....what a joke.

Jem xxx

[Dan]

hi jem
really sorry to here things are not great i think the build up of a month wait must have been awful i do work mkself up about certain situations and often bottle out of them cos the build up has made me soo anxious
i think you should really try to phone your wouk and try to go tommorow easier said that done but part of gettin better is confronting things
however if you cant dont beat yourself up there are alot of people who wouldnt even have considered starting a job
i feel like a failure all the time soo yuo are not alone and your not worthless your a mum the hardest job of all
please contact me if you want to sorry i cant offer any great advice
Take care and good luck
tommorow is a new day
Dan

[southernstar66]

I was instantly drawn to the title of your posting as I can relate to the feeling you have of same old problem ....that is exactly how I am feeling at the moment. I had thought I was getting on really well and had even come off some medication as I was feeling so good. I had a lot of things go on in the last two months leading up to Christmas and went away on holiday only to find that the panic attacks came with full force! I can totally relate to the fact that your kids have gone back to school (my daughter went back this week too) and my partner has gone to work all confident about their abilities and due to having a cold and feeling crap after three weeks of my old panic attack monster I'm off from work too.

I would say dont be so hard on yourself ..... I imagine the month waiting enabled you to build yourself up and think all sorts of things before you actually started your job. Thoughts are things though and we can try and change the messages we are telling ourselves. I know you say that to undertake CBT would take up some of your savings. Is it not possible to be referred via your GP? I underwent CBT many years ago and I do think that it is really helpful if you find yourself giving yourself negative messages as it does help to retrain your thinking.

Please dont beat yourself up about the job and the current situation ....try and plan on moving forward from this ...be postive you are not alone. xxx

[india]

Hi Jem, i can relate to how you feel. My kids are back today, my daughters first day at school too, I have been looking forward to it, but she was hysterical and had to be prized off me! Had my day planned, I work from home, supposed to be working now, but i'm on here seeing if any one else feels lost already this year! I think it takes a while to get back to the everyday routines, especially now that the christmas maddness is over. Take care, and remember you are not alone xxx

[Piglet]

Aww Jem, like the others I too can identify.

Mine were back at school yesterday although got one off today with a bad cold so not quite on my own!!!

I would have found the wait for the job very stressful too. I sort of got into my part time job quite by accident a couple of years ago when I got a knock on the door.

I can stay at home pretty well with this one and the kids can help me out when we have to deliver our stuff. Have you ever thought about seein if there was stuff you could do from home just for now. It may help with the confidence thing too and you could maybe build from that.

We know what your going through but every journey has to start with a small step :)

Love Piglet xx

"Supposing a tree fell down, Pooh, when we were underneath it?" said Piglet.
"Supposing it didn't," said Pooh after careful thought.

[3faces]

Thank you all for your messages.....I've got through so many tissues this morning and I'm still going strong!:(
My employer rang and left a message on my answerphone for me to call her but I am finding it so hard to pick up the phone. How can you explain that you almost freeze in terror when any new thing comes into your life? The worst thing will be the disappointment on my family's faces when I tell them I did not make it in. What kind of message do I give my children by behaving like this, what right do I have to make them go to school and face new things every day when their mum is such a coward.
I know I am feeling very sorry for myself today and I will get through this but it feels like whenever I get to a point where I think, yes, I am coping and I can do it - It all then comes crashing down around my ears. It's getting harder and harder to keep trying.....I saw a message on the forum earlier about somebody just wanting to hide away. Not wanting to see anyone or go anywhere. That sounds perfect at the moment, hide away in a little hole somewhere where no-one can find me.
Thanks again for all your kind messages, it does help to know I am not alone. I am really missing my boys at school and all the noise we had over Christmas. The house is so empty now, I guess everyone feels a bit like this at the beginning of the year.....

Jem xxx

[mirry]

Ohhhhhhh I know exactly where you are coming from, I feel useless often enough but I do work 3 morning a week. I told them in my interview that I suffer panic attacks but want to get back into the outside world and was hoping this job would help me.
I got the job and have phoned in Ill on very bad days and they understand ,i only do home care in the community its nice cos I work on a one to one basis with the elderly in there homes.
Every day I have panic and it doesnt seem to go away, every day I worry.

maybe write them a nice letter telling them of your problems but how you want to work but need an employer who will not judge , if they dont do it they are not the sort of company id want to work for and also its illegal to discriminate !

I wish you all the best and please remember if you are a coward then so am I.....but we are not we have a real medical illness!
Keep up the good fight x

mirryx

[Yvonne]

Oh thank god!! Jem, I've been waiting for someone to say that they feel like bursting into tears with the anxiety. Thank you. Maybe lots of people feel like it but don't talk about it much.

I just so know where you are coming from.

The times in the past I started new jobs. My children were younger then and were at school. I was so determined to get back to work.

Lots of times I rang in and said that I had had second thoughts about the job and didn't really think it was for me. All due to to debilitating anxiety!!!

Then I decided to start temping. Well, that way I wouldn't be totally committed to a company.

I used to go out in the morning - and to this day I do not know how I got myself to the office. Jelly legs, palpitations, hyperventilating, muzzy head and the main one wanting to burst into tears and never stop!

I tolerated a few temping jobs - it was complete hell. Sometimes the anxiety would go down for a while then it would just come right back. I was doing a job once just four hours a day - I would feel terrible for at least 3 hours of that. I used to just put on a front - all the time feeling awful and wanting to cry.

I then decided that I would not do any more secretarial work as I felt maybe the offices were making me feel anxious. I started my own little cleaning round and I did very well and loved the cleaning. The physical work suited me much better.

However, we moved to a new area last year. I am in a new area, don't have any friends here - at home all day - no kids to take to school any more. And no cleaning work. I can't seem to motivate myself to get back to it.

My kids are grown up now - one at uni and one at college so they dont need me so much.

I so want to go out and get myself a little job - doing anything I just dont care. However I know that as soon as I commit myself to something - the morning I have to start I will go to pieces and I just can't handle that at the moment.

I was so pleased to read that so many others feel the same. I wish I could do something from home but I dont know what. On the other hand, I want to get out because I want to meet people.

How horrible it all is.

Jem, you did well to go to the job yesterday that took extreme courage. Other people who don't suffer with anxiety would not be able to handle feeling like it.

You did well. If you can give it another try then do so. However, in my experience(s) the old "feel the fear and do it anyway" has never worked for me. I feel as if I need someone to hold my hand - then I would be okay. Can anyone relate to that?

Lots of love to everyone
Yvonne

Y Goble

[Meg]

In order to build up self confidence as well as meeting new people and geting to know a place better, many people have found volunteering for a while extremely helpful

Volunteering ... (http://www.nomorepanic.co.uk/showthread.php?t=3767)
Volunteer Work! Update (http://www.nomorepanic.co.uk/showthread.php?t=6479)


Meg
www.anxietymanagementltd.com

Your anxiety is the human representation of the pictures that you paint using your many vivid colours of revolving and reoccurring thoughts.
How big is your gallery ?

[3faces]

Hi all

Just wanted to say a big thank you again for all the messages. I'm so glad I didn't keep all my feelings in, much better to talk!
I told my husband what had happened when he got home and we're not talking at the moment, which is hell. I'm feeling all the usual guilt and worthlessness. I'm hoping I will have the courage to call my boss tomorrow morning and chat to her about things, it's difficult though, when you don't really know if someone is going to understand or not.
Yvonne, you sound so much like me and I will PM you after I have typed this!!
I do think volunteering is a great thing and I have done that in the past. It is something I might need to consider along with counselling for the future. I just need to get through tonight and tomorrow for now....love to all of you!

Jem xxx

[Yvonne]

Jem,

My husband used to get so annoyed with me!. Now, he understands the condition much much better and does sympathise.

He still has his moments of telling me that "everyone feels like that at times". It can hurt when your nearest and dearest doesn't understand how bad you feel.

Take care
Yvonne

Y Goble

[Sue K with 5]

Hi Jem


Trust me when I say your not alone in this situation. This was the whole reason I started to work from home five years ago when the agoraphobia and anxiety and panic got worse. I did exactly the same as you. In all honestly I think the word coward counts for how we all feel but trust me a real coward would not be on here trying to find the reources and the support needed to deal with this condition.

I am sure you know this but CBT can be given via the NHS ! Speak to your GP again and explain how bad things are getting for you.

Take care


Sue with 5

scknight

[Shadowwin]

Hi Jem,

Let me start by saying I'm sorry to hear things aren't going well for you right now but I like the others understand how you feel.

For four Years I didn't work, I shut myself inside my house and well for the most part barely even functioned at all. I would wake up in the morning (sometimes afternoon) get a cup of coffee and a cigarette (take a shower if I felt like it) and spend the rest of my day in front of my computer (oh and cook when I felt up to it as well which wasn't often) I wanted nothing to do with life, but then I felt completely alone in my struggle.

My husband wanted nothing to do with me, unless he was yelling at me for my "weakness" as he called it at the time.. He didn't believe I was having problems he thought I was faking my attacks for attention at times he still has no clue.. but that is neither here nor there..

First off I want to say NOONE can force you out into the world you have to be ready to be in it, and most importantly those around you have to understand this. I know it's every Mother's concern how they appear to their children but as my now 10 year old tells me all the time as he has watched me fight this That I inspire him when he thinks he can't do it he just looks at me and all i've endured and it helps.. Talk to your kids about it explain to them the best you can what happens to you it does help.

Secondly your husband has no right to be upset with you nor did mine yes our condition is frustrating but we did not wake up one morning and say YES! today I think I will try Panic Attacks!!! and being treated that way not only depreciates our self worth but it allows our old friend negative self talk to reek havoc in our lives.

But mostly importantly and above all You are NOT worthless you just have obstacles.. I wish I would have had someone to say that to me during those 4 years.. Granted here I am typing this from work a job I have held now for 5 mnths but that was my reward to myself and I intend to prove those who weren't behind me wrong.. that I can and will succeed.. I know the world feels like it is crashing down around us at times but we can conquer this! It may take a while but we can get there one step at a time.

I believe in you ::smiles:: even though I don't know you I believe you can make it... and if you ever need someone to talk to please feel free to message me.

Take a Stand Against Panic
Brightest Blessings
Talia

[DagoGirl]

Hi Jem,
I just wanted to send you loving thoughts and my best wishes. Please dont get down on yourself about the job....remember when one door shuts there is always a window left open somewhere. There is no need to feel guilty about your job offer, although we have all been there. Just recently I was angry at myself because I havent really worked in months. I felt guilty that I wasnt pulling my weight, but the reality is we are all doing the best we can right now! If you can I really do think you should phone your boss - I am always suprised just how understanding people are. Believe me if someone hasnt had panic they know someone who has. And in actuality it might be a bit of carthisis to just admit to him/her that you have this disease. You never know what they may have to offer you! Good luck and let me know how things work out for you! Chrissy

[3faces]

Thank you all again for the help:)

I stayed up until 1am reading last night trying to block out thoughts with the job. I am now sitting here with my home phone/moby switched off so no-one can reach me. I know that's the wrong way to go about things but I'm in my 'hide and protect' mode now:(

I was thinking about things earlier, wondering why I seem never to move forward in the way that I want to....it suddenly dawned on me that all I've been doing these last few years, is sticking a plaster over an open wound. Anyone knows that you have to deal with the wound, clean it, stitch it up etc - then you cover it with a plaster until it heals. Anxiety, panic attacks and all the other horrible symptoms we suffer is like that open wound. Some of us kid ourselves that we can just get on with 'normal' things and hide the way we feel but unfortunately, it quite often (as in my case) gets the better of us.

I hope I'm making sense here! I've realised that by me trying to continually go back to work and always failing, I'm not dealing with the real issues first. I need to get help (which I'm going to do with CBT) and maybe then back to voluntary work.

My hubby left for work this morning without speaking to me....he has been incredibly supportive to me in the past and I really think the main reason he is now losing patience is because of the financial implications of me not earning. I can't blame him for that....we just have to ride this storm out, I guess.

I hope I havn't depressed too many people on here with these messages and I don't know what I would do if I couldn't come on here to speak to everyone. May this forum long continue!!:)

Jem xxx

[Yvonne]

Hi All
Shaddowin
Please tell me how you managed to get yourself to where you are now? I would love to hear how you combatted y our anxiety.

Anyway well done. I very much enjoyed reading your post.

Lots of love to all
Yvonne

Y Goble

[Shadowwin]

Hello Yvonne ::smiles::


I wouldn't say I've conquered it but I inspire to conquer it I still have my days where I revert back to the fearful woman that wants to melt into my bed and never face the world again.

But I can offer this.. I got angry.. I was so fed up with my life being four cold, unfeeling walls while everyone and everything was going on without me that I pushed mysel.

Let me rewind the clock to now six months ago as I sat here holding my 4th denial letter from disability with tears in my eyes.. I felt useless, I watched my husband go to work everyday 12-15 hrs a day to support our family and I watched him get further and further away.

With the help of some very close friends I had already broken free of my prison by then and was starting to go out occasionally trying to do a little more every day and setting goals for myself one of my biggest goals was to become self sufficent again like I was in my early 20's I never allowed anyone to take care of me and I felt like a big old sponge..

So there I was with the denial letter frustrated, lost, worthless, confused, and not knowing if I truly wanted to live anymore.. something inside of me snapped I felt a rage just boil up inside of me. I turned to face my computer flipped open Microsoft Word and wrote my first resume in 4 years.

Within 2 weeks from that moment I had my first interview with the bank that I work for

I think it comes down to the moment where you just override your fears something rooted deeply inside of you say ENOUGH and you begin to fight..
I know i'm not cured, I know I'll have my days but I also know now what I can feel like when I put myself in control.. and that is something i have been lacking for a long time control..

[freakedout]

Hi Jem,

Not sure that what I have to say is any use to you after reading some very inspiring replies to your post. I understand your situation completely, I am off work sick with PA, agoraphobia and depresssion. I doubt I will return and have justed posted a new topic about this myself.

It is absolutely dreadful and so crippling sometimes, is it any wonder we feel sow and beat ourselves up. I would recommend trying CBT via your GP on the NHS. I am currently having it that way.

I hope that things pick up for you,

Take care and I am sure that you continue to get the support that you need from this excellent forum.

[Yvonne]

Hi All
Shaddowin- thanks for that it does give me hope. Sometimes I do get that feeling - I've had enough of this! But then my fear seems to be more powerful. I will get there in the end but I have to say that is such hard work.

Love to all
Yvonne

Y Goble