What do I do?

[dnvjones]

I'm very glad to have found this site. Social anxiety is driving me mad, it seems like whatever I do, I cannot shake it.

One of my biggest fears currently is at work, I normally stay quiet most of the day if possible to avoid scrutiny. I sit on a table of 5-6 people and I genuinely fear when my boss (could also be any other colleague I want to please) leaves the table and comes back towards the desk and might see me blink too much or get embarrassed or the most humiliating if I have that petrified look in my eyes; if they see that then my confidence is immediately gone and I will beat myself up incessantly. This fear extends to most social situations with the unhelpful rule being that I must not show any emotion (go red, blink too much, show fear in my eyes, look uncomfortable). This means that I always feel as if I have something to hide from people and therefore I am never comfortable with people.

Can anyone relate to this/offer any advice in how to deal with this kind of situation / unhelpful rule?

Thanks x

[expecto patronum]

Hi dnvjones, :welcome: NMP. I can relate to what you say about being horribly self-conscious about your facial expressions and body-language. You seem to be aware that what is causing you the greatest problem is the constant beating yourself up. When we feel ourselves betray our insecurity in social situations and we immediately start with 'automatic thoughts' that amount to beating ourselves up, we are saying to ourselves "no, no, no, I CAN'T look or be this way, I SHOULD be able to stop it". This is like what Claire Weekes says about fighting symptoms, that it can only ever make them worse and the only way out of this viscious cycle is to accept them and stop trying to control them; as she says "if your hands shake, let them shake, don't feel obliged to try and stop them". Obviously this isn't easy, especially when you feel like the physical effects of your anxiety are making you look foolish or whatever, but it does work wonders if you can do it; it feels so amazing when you suddenly feel yourself not care that much if you come across as nervous. I still have lot of times of feeling agonised in social situations, but I increasingly feel able to let go a bit and not monitor myself so closely.