I can't cope [Archive] - No More Panic

Hannahlou84

07-01-06, 13:31

Believe it or not, I think part of it's relief!!

But it's also that I haven't done as much work as I should, and just can't do it.. and El has more faith in me than I do, and is maybe a bit TOO positive! lol...

I'm not sure. Most people don't bother with me anymore, and if they do it's too tell me how rubbish I am... (you are obviously not one of these people at all, as I've said!)

I need to sleep but I can't. I need to change the sheets as my friends ex slept in them, but am too tired.

I only have to go to doctors about my arms if they don't heal or something, right? As El doesn't want me to go re: depression etc, and I don't think it will help either. I am ready to admit these problems to El now that I am away again! (Typical). I hope she isn't too annoyed with me. Like everyone else.

Karen

07-01-06, 14:51

Hi Hannah

I realise it is difficult for you with El and I am not sure what to make of her strategy to deal with this. It seems she is ignoring it and hoping it won't develop further. You might find now you are away from her that you switch back to R a bit more again but there are obvious issues with El too.

You said you are ready to admit to the problems now you are away from her and maybe this is a good idea. As a therapist is is more like to be able to deal with the issues than R and it will help her in her treatment of you if she has ALL the facts.

Why doesn't El want you to see your doctor about depression? Is it because of the medication? As long as you are looking after the cuts and they are healing fine then it should be OK. But do get them checked if there are any problems with the wounds.

No one has the right to tell you that you are rubbish Hannah because is not the case. Anyone who says that is not worth listening to.

Can you catch up with uni work now you're back?

Karen

It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.

Hannahlou84

07-01-06, 17:21

El is convinced this isn't attachment and is something entirely different, and that it is normal for me to be clingy when I hit my first major bad patch since I started seeing her. I don't know though.

Is it stupidity or attachment which is making me scared of admitting how well I am actually not coping to El (she knows nothing of the cutting and only has hints to go on about the food, not that I am in any real danger from either).

El advised me against seeing the doctor at home because of the attachment to her, and because of the fact they keep pushing medication on me... the one down here isn't interested in seeing me unless I take medication... am very tempted to pretend to take it for the purpose of getting notes etc... but then that seems daft, and El wouldn't be impressed with that approach either-- I shouldn't let them dictate to me, even if I don't actually do it....

People back up their insults with facts, so it makes it harder to ignore them... like "you are a rubbish person because..."

I am going to really struggle to catch up with uni work, esp if I don't get to see R (who wouldn't have contacted my year head yet, as she was going to run it by me first..) So much to do...

I hate myself for being jealous of really stupid things atm too. Just really frustrated.

Karen

07-01-06, 17:37

Hi Hannah

It is not stupidity that prevents you from telling El how bad things really are. It could be a number of others reasons and only you really know the true reason for this. It could well be part of the attachment and wanting to please her by allowing her to think you are doing better than you actually are.

However, if this is the case she can't really help you properly can she? Maybe you could put as much of this into an email and send it to her. The cutting is not helpful in the long run, as you know, but the food and eating issue could become dangerous if you are not eating. I know you do know this deep down but admitting it can be difficult.

I am well and truly trapped in my eating disorder pattern and the longer it goes on without any help, the harder it becomes to start recovering.

Do you think you could confide in her? I know how much you trust her and she is the therapist you have chosen to stick with out of your choices.

I am not sure whether the feelings you have for her are attachment or not and again this is something only you can answer really. I've luckily never developed attachment to a therapist who's actually been officially treating me.

Anyone who says you are 'rubbish' are not worth listening to and their 'reasons' will not be valid either. We all have behaviours and actions that others don't like at times but it doesn't make you a bad person. You do not have to believe their opinions of you.

Karen x

Hannahlou84

07-01-06, 17:48

Thank you, Karen.

I am crying again now, so frustrating. I need El. I don't want to be here, well, I do. I want to email her, but it's too early. Need to at least wait until I am back at Uni. I am scared she's going to be upset with me.

The eating problem is going to be the hardest, because I don't really know what's wrong. :-( I am not touching my doctor with this problem. It's not causing any damage, I don't think...

I could tell El, but I am so scared of her reaction. I feel bad because I have hidden it for so so long... and also a bit bothered she'll tell me it isn't that important... she does play down attachment a lot... but she understands... just she wants to sort the other stuff first, I guess... when she saw me Thurs she was like "what do you want out of today other than needing R less". Lol. I didn't need her that day anyway.. I was so tired and unresponsive. I nearly told El Thurs but couldn't find the words, and we ran over anyway, we spoke for an hour before the hypnosis rather than half.. I do feel a bit trapped though- knowing I have noone down here to turn too, and El being back at my parents.

Oh I don't know!! Do I make any sense?

Thanks hun, sorry for going on x

Karen

07-01-06, 20:07

Hi Hannah

Sorry you're feeling so low. I do understand the way you are feeling regarding El and it is probably worse tonight because you are heading back to uni and away from her for a while.

Do you have another session booked with her?

Why will she be upset with you? She is a professional therapist and won't get upset or react in another other emotional way. It seems like you trust her so why not just go for it and fill her in with the full picture?

I think you do know that it isn't healthy to starve, binge and purge. Even though it will be difficult to admit to this she can only help you if you do confide in her. It is part of an eating disorder to want to keep it hidden and El will understand this.

There is no need to apologise Hannah and, yes, it makes perfect sense.

My suggestion would be to trust her and let her know the full extent of what is happening. I don't think trying to deal with each issue in isolation works really because they tend to be interlinked.

Karen

It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.

Hannahlou84

08-01-06, 01:34

Hi Karen,

Thanks for all your replies!

I have to admit, I am going to miss El though, that's probably because I haven't adjusted to be being back yet, soon it will be R again!! <idiot>

I don't have another session booked with El, she doesn't want to pressure me into going back... I can email her if and when I want an appointment, and generally for keeping her up-to-date about things, and keeping in touch. She isn't too bad for emailing, I think she waits a while so that I don't expect too much though!! I do sometimes wonder if I were to never email if she would get in touch. Is that sad?! I've emailed her already though, and tried to focus on the positives, she doesn't like negativity!!

I guess I am scared of El being disappointed in me as she thinks I have done well. I feel like a fraud in that sense. I don't know why I am worried about upsetting her. She is very honest with me about what she thinks... maybe it is that I feel she truly cares? I don't know.

I don't even know what is wrong with me food wise, and I wouldn't even know where to start, and I really don't want to go over the past and the bulimia at school, becaue that's where it was, and that was it. I have recovered from that. I must have.

I will email El later on in the week. I just don't know how to bring it up. "Oh by the way, you know you thought I was doing OK? Well, actually, I am a huge screw up and seem to be having problems with eating, and cutting (excessively right now)". Yeah... I can't admit it. I just can't. I can't even really believe there is something wrong myself, though something obviously is...not that you would think it to look at me and my "perfect" life.

Karen

08-01-06, 02:10

Hi Hannah

Most private therapists ask whether you want to make another appointment and leave the ball in your court. I think they don't want to encourage or appear to be coercing clients into more sessions than they actually want or need, and also want to ensure the client retains the feeling of being in control of their treatment.

May well be R again now you're back at uni but that doesn't make you an idiot. It is just a case of who is most available to you at the time.

It's good that El does at least return your emails. My therapist ignores any negative emails I send her too! Although she is not too good at replying at the best of times. El may well hold of from responding straight away to every email because she knows you have attachment issues and probably doesn't want to reinforce this. If you didn't email for a while she might eventually reply or she might not. My therapist rarely emails or contacts me unless I have written to her. They are busy people!

There is a difference between writing negatively and writing in a positive way while still acknowledging the difficulties you are experiencing. After having lengthy discussions with K about this subject, writing negatively involves interpreting the way you feel or your problems in a way in which you blame yourself and put yourself down. So I am sure it would be fine to write to El and tell her that you are having tough time and the reasons for this, but avoid saying things like this means you are an ‘idiot’. You can accept that you are struggling with eating and self-harm without mentally beating yourself up or blaming yourself.

El would want you to tell her what you could use help with because that’s what she is there for. This is one reason she asks you what you would like help with when you see her for a session. There is not reason at all she would be ‘disappointed in you’.

<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">I don't even know what is wrong with me food wise, and I wouldn't even know where to start, and I really don't want to go over the past and the bulimia at school, because that's where it was, and that was it. I have recovered from that. I must have.</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
There is no need to go into great detail at the moment. You could mention that you’ve experienced bulimia in the past and tell her how the eating problems are affecting you now.

<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">I just don't know how to bring it up. "Oh by the way, you know you thought I was doing OK? Well, actually, I am a huge screw up and seem to be having problems with eating, and cutting (excessively right now)".</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
This is an example of what El means by writing negatively. You can mention that you are having problems with eating and cutting without adding the bit about being a ‘screw up’, which is NOT true.

Give it some thought and decide whether you think she could help you with these issues. I think you do know that eating is a problem even if you are not ready to fully admit it right now.

Karen

It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.

Hannahlou84

08-01-06, 02:25

Thanks Karen.

I guess... I can't help how I am feeling about it though. I feel like a huge failure, and it really doesn't help that people are treating me as such. Two biggish meals a day is too much, and I can't cope with it, but feel bad because I am wasting someone else's food... and it would just be better if I didn't eat it in the first place.

El is really quite good in her replies, and yes, I can see that she is avoiding me getting attached, though I am scared that has already happened. The way I feel atm it's very hard to distinguish.

I'd tell El anything, anything at all... it's just knowing how with this, because I'm not even convinced there's anything to worry about. What's normal to some extent about what women my age do, and what's not? Everyone I know is on some kind of diet, and I don't see the difference really-- diets just don't work for me.. I can't lose the weight I need too. That's the other thing, noone is helping with that- they just tell me I'm too thin, and eveyone from here who has met me would probably contest that!! I'm not exactly wasting away.

The only thing I can't talk to to El about is how I am worried about being attached to her, that has been dealt with in email and her response was quite definite that it isn't the case.. She knows this is my biggest problem, and maybe it is different with her, and i need her in a different way-- I don't think I can't live without her or anything, which is what makes me believe her, she is replacable, though I would not like to be in that situation, whereas I felt R and B were irreplacable, and both still are really.

I am so tired, I am sure I would be coping better if I wasn't (that and if I didn't keep catching my bloody wrists on the laptop!

Hannahlou84

08-01-06, 15:15

I am getting nowhere with this email, at all-- not that I can send it really until she has replied to the current one-- bit desperate otherwise, isn't it?! Though the other one was positive... and focused on the major positive of being back here.

Am struggling to eat today. I need to eat something, and I want choc, that would be stupid tho.., just can't think what else to have, and it has to be small. I have eaten an apple today, but that's it.

Karen

08-01-06, 17:23

Hi Hannah

Why not stop thinking quite so much about what you imagine El wants to hear and write instead the reality of how things are and what you are feeling? A positive email is good as long as it also acknowledges the difficulties you are facing. If El doesn't have all the facts it makes it very difficult for her to help you.

<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">Two biggish meals a day is too much, and I can't cope with it, but feel bad because I am wasting someone else's food... and it would just be better if I didn't eat it in the first place.</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
Now what would you say to me if I said it would be better if I didn't eat in the first place? If two 'biggish' (and I doubt they are big) meals are too much, perhaps you could space your food intake out throughout the day, so you eat little and often.

Can I ask you a question? Do you truly believe deep down that you do not have a problem with food and eating? There is no need to answer here unless you want to. However, can you be honest with yourself about this? I denied having problems (even to myself) for months before I would accept that starving myself is not normal behaviour. Even now I still get sucked into the anorexic delusions and slip into denial mode. The same is true of all eating disorders and the actual label doesn't much matter.

<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">That's the other thing, noone is helping with that- they just tell me I'm too thin, and eveyone from here who has met me would probably contest that!! I'm not exactly wasting away.</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
Well, I've met you Hannah and you definitely do NOT need to lose any weight. If anything, you are underweight and I know you have checked your BMI and know this to be the case.

One apple is not enough to maintain your body in a healthy way. I am the last person to be able to comment on this really but I also cannot agree with you that it is OK not to eat or to eat such a small amount. You are craving chocolate because your body needs fuel - as very sensible people tell me all the time. Try to eat something this evening if you can.

I don't think you need to wait for El to reply to your last email before sending another one. I find it easier to just write as the thoughts flow and then send it. What is the worst that can happen? You have everything to gain from confiding in her in the form of some proper help and support.

Why not give it a go?

Karen x

Hannahlou84

08-01-06, 18:14

Hi Karen,

Thank you again. I will work on what I say to El. I have a relatively short email written, but I feel like I am letting her down, like I have lied to her, I got somewhere with knowing I needed to tell her this week, and spent extra time with her and yet still I couldn't do it. Didn't know how/decided it was unimportant/irrelevant.

When I say big meals, I do mean big, they are ones other people do for me, and I nearly always throw them back up, tho I didn't last night, so want to eat less now.

I can see that what I am doing isn't normal, but I am not really sure it's a problem... it's not making me ill or anything. Not like when I was younger, and it was obviously a serious problem because other people were worried etc.

I had a boiled egg and a piece of nimble bread for tea. I felt hungry still afterwards, and then suddenly felt really sick and full up. Have drunk a heap of water to help, but it's not really and I feel hot and horrible. Maybe I'm ill?

Will work on redrafting my email to El rather than uni stuff tonight. I just don't feel like I can do it. I don't want her to think I'm stupid or be cross with me. I just want to be OK... I don't want to pretend anymore, even if I was actually doing a bit better.

Karen

08-01-06, 19:59

Hi Hannah

There is no way you are letting El down and it certainly isn't lying. It is just that you have not told her the whole story yet and that is your choice. No one can tell you what or how much to confide in El.

<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">and I nearly always throw them back up</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
You think this isn't harmful? There might not be any physical signs of illness or damage yet but you will be causing damage, just like I am when I abuse laxatives. It becomes a habit which is then very difficult to break.

Well done for having the egg and bread. Small, regular meals like this is the right direction to head in. I also experience nausea and a bloated feeling after eating which I've been advised is due to not being used to eating regularly. I expect this is probably what you are experiencing,

<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">I don't want to pretend anymore</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
That's great Hannah and such a big step. El won't be disappointed or cross with you. She will be used to seeing people who are not always able to open up about everything straight away and she is the person with the most chance of helping you. Telling her will be OK.

Karen x

Hannahlou84

08-01-06, 21:02

I have written the email, it's really, really long, but not very detailed (bit weird). I am not ready to send it yet though.

The email to El is a bit negative, but I can't send it any other way, because that is how I feel, and I sure she won't be focusing on that this time anyway.

I have been seeing El for ages, and speak to her about much deeper stuff than this, so am really ashamed of myself. I wouldn't blame her for being cross with me either, I'm cross with me.

I don't want anyone else to know though, well, maybe R, but that would be silly, and I would only be doing it to make her feel guilty for the comment she made earlier in the academic year... we'll see though. My housemates have more than picked up on it... some days I can eat and handle it normally, it lasts for 3 or 4 days, and then I can't anymore... like I just realise how fat I am and how I need to lose the weight. Nothing else is helping me lose it.

I guess throwing food back up would cause damage, but I don't do this that often, I tend to opt for starving for a while after instead. I am really stupid.

Karen

08-01-06, 22:05

Not stupid Hannah - just need some help to deal with the problem.

Could you bite the bullet and send the email tonight?

Karen

It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.

Hannahlou84

08-01-06, 22:16

I'm not sure I can. Not certain the email says enough, or if it's too long or whatever...

Also, she hasn't replied to my positive one yet... I dunno.

I just had a couple of Milky Way stars and am really struggling not to make myself sick... I need them for serotonin though.

Karen

08-01-06, 22:37

A couple of Milky Way stars is not going to do you any harm, honestly.

Try to find something to focus your attention on instead. What about some uni work? Or talk to your friends.

Karen

It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.

Hannahlou84

08-01-06, 22:47

I can't do any work until I have been to the library.

I am panicking over whether or not I am going to recognise the person I am meeting Thursday, I can't remember faces... how bad is that?! Don't want to tell them though.

I am feeling really really unwell and my temperature is through the roof at the moment.. I knew I shouldn't have eaten anything.

I might send the email to El, it seems OK...

Karen

08-01-06, 23:13

Hi Hannah

What person on Thursday?

I doubt your temperature has anything to do with eating.

Hope you do send the email.

Karen

It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.

Hannahlou84

09-01-06, 08:33

I have sent the email now, but feel really guilty for it. Really, really guilty. I couldn't bring up the attachment feelings again, not on top of that-- that is made a little by knowing El has to handle that in a certain way... I am just scared she won't want to see me anymore, I think...

Telling her whilst I am here and she can't help me is really stupid.

Still have a high temperature and feel sick, so maybe it's a bug, won't eat anyway then as don't want to be ill.

I have a kind of date on Thursday.. I've only met him once though.. and am just really scared, even though he was actually looking after me last time (whilst mocking me! Lol)..

Thankfully not doing much uni today, my friends aren't either, which is why I'll excuse it! That and I am waiting for an email from R.

Hannahlou84

09-01-06, 20:10

I am still feeling really guilty although El was really nice about it..

After today I am rather ready to admit I have an eating problem. I fainted in town and everything kept going flashy and spinning-- it was horrible. I don't understand why though really as I have eaten this little before. I ate a jacket spud for tea, with a tiny bit of chicken mayo on it (a teaspoon [:X]).

Just wish I knew what to do next.

Karen

09-01-06, 20:26

Hi Hannah

It is a big step to admit that you do have a problem with eating. I think you know that people don't faint for no reason and I know this isn't the first time.

Well done for the potato for tea.

What did El say about it?

Karen

It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.

Hannahlou84

10-01-06, 11:18

El was OK about it, thanks. She said I shouldn't feel guilty as I need to tell her things in my own time, and she did acknowledge that I felt they were one-offs, and that I was in control, and that I wasn't really struggling with either when I initially went to see her. She did offer some advice, but it's stuff that hasn't worked before. Will try again though as don't want to be negative.

I think I just faint too easily!! I am really panicking my friends, and I don't mean too. I tried to eat a couple of chips last night on the way home and just couldn't. I felt so sick, I couldn't even eat half of one I start choking on it! Not sure what's going on with the fainting though, pointless going to the doctor as they just do blood test and find nothing.

I am in a lot of a funny mood atm... I have work to do and the books need to be back by 1.30... not a chance.. Massive fine here I come.... lol...

Hannahlou84

11-01-06, 09:49

I feel so alone and desperate. I am thinking I might email E (another lecturer) though I am not sure whether it would be better for me to wait and see if R emails first (I know deep down she probably won't...). What do you say? "Yeah, I'm still messing up and the person I want to help me isn't, so can you?"...

I barely slept last night, I was so panicked. Is it so wrong to wish people would care?

I don't belong anywhere, and the more time I spend here the more I feel I don't even belong in a virtual world, how sad.

Karen

11-01-06, 10:02

Hi Hannah

Of course it is not wrong to want someone to care or to belong somewhere. These are natural needs that we all have.

Have you contacted R already and waiting for a reply, or hoping she will email anyway? She is not the most reliable at replying usually. Are you planning on contact E about uni stuff?

Any more word from El? Does she think she can help you with the eating problems?

Sorry if this makes little sense but I took a sleeping pill a while ago but came on here as I still can't sleep due to noise next door.

Karen

It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.

Hannahlou84

11-01-06, 10:07

I just want to scream. I feel so sick. Which isn't helped by the fact I feel like I might be going crazy.

I guess El can help, I think she thinks I can help myself- stupidly I have myself believing that I will eat properly when I hear from R... I emailed her over Xmas, and before, she said she would prepare something to give to my year head, but email it to me first, she didn't do it, so I emailed over Xmas.. hopefully as it's her office hour today she may well reply- I doubt it though.

I was going to email E to ask what I am meant to do, because I can't just email my year head, the woman met me once in my first year, and will have no idea who I am,and certainly won't know any background... not sure what I expect E to do, she will probably tell me to go see my year head...

Sorry you can't sleep. I couldn't either, kept panicking.

Karen

11-01-06, 10:14

Hi Hannah

Maybe you could email R again with a gentle reminder then? Would be better than stressing out waiting for a response.

I don't however think that waiting to hear from R until you eat is a good strategy. When was the last time you had anything?

Perhaps you could follow up on the email to El and ask her what you could do to start tackling this and how she might be able to help you.

You are definitely not going crazy. We've all felt like that at one time or another.

Karen

It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.

Hannahlou84

11-01-06, 10:32

I kind of figured as I am not going to get to see her today anyway, I will wait until after her office hour, I also know she has an office hour on Fridays, and replied to me last time on a Thursday, and the time before that in her office hour, so am just hoping I don't have to ask again! I feel like I'm nagging.

It's El's turn to reply again, so can't email atm, even if she did ask me to discuss R stuff with her!

I had food yesterday, but haven't had more than 300 calories a day since Saturday, and that's because my housemates nag! I didn't want to eat anything at all. Not sure what that really has to do with R though. I'm not going to email E either, it's not fair.

Hannahlou84

11-01-06, 13:33

I am going to email El again.. I am more upset than I thought I would be about R not replying. I want to email her, but I don't know what to say. It seems pointless, I feel sending a message in a bottle would be more effective!

I don't want to eat at all now, and shan't. I don't care anymore, without her support I can't do it anyway. And there was me thinking I had this under control... ha ha ha.

Hannahlou84

12-01-06, 18:33

I don't know why I bother trying. I don't want to live with this rubbish anymore. It seems the more I try the worse it gets. Surely that's a message to give up?

Hannahlou84

13-01-06, 20:59

I need R. She never emailed. I am so desperate. I have been so low all afternoon. It's ridiculous... why am I putting myself through this?

I need a way out.

Karen

13-01-06, 21:02

Hi Hannah

We know that R is not very consistent about replying to emails. She never has been. Have you tried sending her a reminder?

Any further word from El?

Karen

It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.

Hannahlou84

13-01-06, 21:05

Yes. And it wasn't desperate, but serious.... I asked her to let me know either way if she wanted to contact my year head...and she hasn't so now I have no idea what I am doing or how to go about it.

Nothing from El today, haven't emailed her about this as sent her an email about the date last night, and one about food yesterday. I hope she isn't away again. I can't deal with this. I don't know which way to turn.

Hannahlou84

13-01-06, 22:19

I need to talk to someone so bad. And I can't. There's just noone. Everyone else has there own stuff, and there's me with mine, and I can't deal with it becaue I am such a loser. I just want to get better, and if someone was to tell me how I would do it, but I know it's not like that. I just want some help. Is that really too much to ask?

Karen

13-01-06, 22:52

No Hannah that's not too much to ask.

Give El a chance to reply. She usually does but not straight away.

I do think you could do with some professional help there though and seeing El on your occasional visit back home is probably not regular enough.

Could you consider seeing the doctor there or going back to the counselling service again? I know you've been there before but they didn't know about the eating problems then.

I wish I could tell you how to get better but I am struggling with similar problems as you know. All I can suggest is to ask for help sooner rather than later as the longer it carries on, the more difficult it is to break free.

You did great last night by the way!

Karen x

Hannahlou84

13-01-06, 22:58

I don't need people like El tomorrow or Sunday once I am coping better on my own. I need her now. I don't see why emails get left because surely it's better to reply when it's still relevant? I am being really clingy with her at the moment, but in all fairness I have just told her EVERYTHING and can't deal with it because I am so rubbish.

Uni counselling is rubbish. I don't trust them. I don't want the doctor down here either. I am being an idiot, aren't I?

I'm sorry. x

Hannahlou84

13-01-06, 23:01

Thank you. I am glad you think I did OK last night. I kept panicking! How sad. I didn't mention R though.

So don't know what to do next. He wants to take me out to an Indian restaurant... ha ha ha.

Hannahlou84

13-01-06, 23:33

In the words of David Sneddon:

I don't even know if I can cry
Been so long, it seems like I've run dry
Something in your eyes tonight
Looked into my soul
Saw the years of breaking down
Have taken its toll
So I'm leaning on you now into the night..

Don't let go
Don't let go
Don't let go
I don't wanna let you go

Now I'm on the rocks, I see your light
I don't need my wings to take this flight
I know I can fly
Nothing happens on its own, fate is just a word
You make me a better man..
Does that sound absurd?
And you look into my eyes and softly say..

Don't let go
Don't let go
Don't let go
I don't wanna let you go

You are the light in me, pull me in and set me free
You always let me know
Hold me tight and don't let go

Don't let go
Don't let go
Don't let go
I don't wanna let you go

I can't. I don't know how I am going to get through tonight, because sleep is out of the question. I actually really want her attention. My brother's in hospital, and I'm even jealous of him. And won't swallow my pride and text him first (he's allowed his phone, apparently). I am such a horrible person. Why can't something take me away? I just feel like I am smacking my head on a wall.

Ciò non ha altro significato in italiano che in inglese! Non posso fare fronte. Ho bisogno dell'aiuto e ho bisogno della R più di niente altro nel mondo. La ho bisogno di di occuparsela di, mi assicuro che sono APPROVAZIONE e risparmi me da me. Egoista? Sì. Ma la amerei indietro. Senza riserve.

Hannahlou84

15-01-06, 23:20

I can't live like this anymore. I can't do it. I need a sensible way forward, and as usual there isn't one.

I'm trapped.

I would be fine if I didn't ever have to wake up. I can't stop crying.

What's wrong with me?

Karen

16-01-06, 02:48

Hi Hannah

<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">I don't need people like El tomorrow or Sunday once I am coping better on my own. I need her now. I don't see why emails get left because surely it's better to reply when it's still relevant?<div align="right">Originally posted by Hannahlou84 - 13 January 2006 : 22:58:11</div id="right">
</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
I don't know Hannah. I often feel frustrated when emails aren't answered too, particularly as I rely on this method of communication. Didn't El say she wouldn't reply straight away because she didn't want to encourage attachment to her?

Sorry you are feeling so low again tonight. You could email or ring El tomorrow. As you don't want to see the doctor there or the uni counsellors I am not sure what else to suggest.

I realise it is difficult for you to see a private therapist but maybe this is an option as you have felt much more comfortable with El than any of the others.

At times when you are desperate to talk to someone you could consider The Samaritans (http://www.samaritans.org) or the No Panic (http://www.nopanic.org.uk/menu.htm) helpline.

There are also some local counselling services listed here (http://www.off-the-record.org.uk/otr_directory/dir_counselling_services.shtml)

You are feeling like this due to depression related to attachment and the eating problems. Finding some sustained professional help is probably what you need right now.

Karen x

Hannahlou84

16-01-06, 09:38

Thanks.

I feel worse this morning. Barely slept and have loads of uni stuff to try and sort today- maybe crying will work in my favour- not that I will be able to. I will just mess that up. Just like I do everything else.

Yes, El hasn't actually said why she leaves the emails, but I am guessing it's to try and prevent the attachment-- which would be fine, but I haven't heard from her in 5 days, and it just seems pointless. I'm hanging on for something I am not going to get: again. She isn't going to give me the answers- or maybe even help that much.

I emailed my friend in Aus, and upset one of my others on MSN last night.. that's OK then, by the end of the first month of a New Year I won't have any friends left!

I'm getting a migraine for good measure, and my face and neck are all swollen because of my glands... mm... really attractive.

Hannahlou84

16-01-06, 17:57

Feeling really rotten. And have sent El an email saying as much.

I have just been panicking and crying all day. I didn't go and see the lecturer I was meant to see today either, I was too scared of saying too much. I have decided though that I am not going to go out of my way to see R again. It will not do me any good, and I will never get what I truly need from the relationship. I have gone past expecting an email reply too. I would've thought this would've made me feel better, more in control. But in some ways I feel worse than before. Especially now one of my best friends has lied to me.

Karen

16-01-06, 18:24

Hi Hannah

I hope you hear back from El soon.

<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">I emailed my friend in Aus, and upset one of my others on MSN last night.. that's OK then, by the end of the first month of a New Year I won't have any friends left!
<div align="right">Originally posted by Hannahlou84 - 16 January 2006 : 09:38:36</div id="right">
</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
Umm I don't think imagining you have upset ONE friend means you will have no friends by the end of the month! This is typical of the thinking style of depression.

It is true that you will never get what you hope for from the relationship from R. I can appreciate how hard it is to let go though. The issue lies with finding the inner resources so that you don't need someone else for love, attention, care, happiness etc. I don't have the answers to this, however as I am struggling with this myself.

Sorry one of your friends lied to you. I can appreciate you feel let down by this. Is there a way of resolving the situation?

Have you had a chance to check out any of the links I posted above? If El is not able to help I think you need to start considering and preparing a plan B.

Karen x

Hannahlou84

16-01-06, 19:27

I don't exactly have a heap of friends though!! I am too irritating. Most people just humour me.

I don't want a Plan B. I want El. She's the only familiar support I have to cling to right now.

I did look at the links-- not sure what to do about it yet though.

Hannahlou84

16-01-06, 19:31

Thanks though Karen.

Sorry, I was sure I had posted that before. I don't want to seem ungrateful! cc

Karen

16-01-06, 19:32

<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">I don't want a Plan B. I want El. She's the only familiar support I have to cling to right now.
<div align="right">Originally posted by Hannahlou84 - 16 January 2006 : 19:27:28</div id="right">
</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
I can understand that Hannah. However, the distance involved makes it impractical for her to help you effectively. Plus, there is the issue of you beginning to feel rather attached to her.

I think you could use some local help.

Karen

It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.

Hannahlou84

16-01-06, 19:36

How do you trust other people though?

El knows everything, and I like her. Noone has ever known everything before... and certainly not attachment, not properly. I just don't really know how to go about it. I am seeing C tomorrow, but always make out things are fine, and seem fine..... I don't do the latter intentionally. I just don't like upsetting people/ making them upset with me.

Things are OK with my friend. just my hurt pride... I guess.

Karen

16-01-06, 20:08

Hi Hannah

I too find it difficult to trust people but you have trust El and could come to trust someone else.

Perhaps you could ask El how she sees this situation progressing?

If you tell C everything is fine then she can't help you can she? Could you try to let her know at least some of what has been happening? She is there to help.

Karen

It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.

Hannahlou84

16-01-06, 20:44

I don't trust her. And feel that the effects of telling her could be worse than not. I have lied (I guess) for so long. She doesn't understand much of it either. I never know what to say.. I am just so scared. I feel safer with El because I guess I feel there's less she can do to interfere.

Sorry x

Karen

16-01-06, 21:17

<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">I feel safer with El because I guess I feel there's less she can do to interfere.
<div align="right">Originally posted by Hannahlou84 - 16 January 2006 : 20:44:53</div id="right">
</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
Interfere in what way?

Karen

It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.

Hannahlou84

16-01-06, 21:34

Like get scary people like Drs and Psychs involved.... I guess is what I mean. And I can stop seeing El whenever, and she can't do anything about it, I guess... she doesn't know my address here or anything.

Karen

16-01-06, 21:49

She could find out though and she would be able to get other people involved. K tells me she would call my doctor if she thought my health was in danger.

I take it she has your home address and knows you are at uni?

The situation would have to be pretty bad before she contacted anyone. It takes an awful lot for the mental health services to take action. I've sailed close to the wind but have avoided any action being taken.

There comes a time when you need to consider taking a chance on trusting someone.

Karen

It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.

Hannahlou84

16-01-06, 21:54

El? Yeah... she wouldn't do anything like that with me though.. I am sure she wouldn't. Am desperate for a reply- and can't leave the computer anyway as am trying to do work.

I know it shouldn't matter, but I don't particularly like C.

I am thinking of going to the doctor and asking for meds, (maybe at a higher dose than dr at home prescribed) and make out I've taken them for the last month, as they wouldn't help much at that dose, and El has.

I'm sorry. I don't mean to be difficult. I am just worrying and considering everything.

Karen

16-01-06, 22:01

What meds have you got? Have you tried them at all yet?

Karen

It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.

Hannahlou84

16-01-06, 22:08

Cipramil.

No, El advised I didn't take them. I never even picked them up. Doctor from home should have written to doctor here though. They'd be running out about now too... that's really bad isn't it?

Karen

16-01-06, 22:18

No it's not bad.

It might be an idea to discuss this with your doctor there but not to tell her you've been taking them if you haven't.

Karen

It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.

Hannahlou84

16-01-06, 22:23

Ooh maybe...

I just think she would be more inclined to increase dose if I have taken smaller dose before.

I am still being a moron and can't do my stupid essays.

Karen

16-01-06, 22:36

Why do you want a higher dose without trying the original prescription first?

Karen

It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.

Hannahlou84

16-01-06, 22:58

I just have a feeling it won't work at that dose, my doctor at home said it was just to introduce me to the medication..

I am really nervous about doing this. I can't talk to El about it, because she won't be at all impressed. I don't want to let her down.

Karen

16-01-06, 23:11

This is about you though Hannah, not El. She has been anti-medication all the way through but if you want to give it a try then it is your decision.

Increasing slowly is sensible and it can always be increased at a later stage. Any antidepressant medication will take a few weeks to start producing any benefit.

Karen

It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.

Hannahlou84

16-01-06, 23:14

I am just so sure El is right... I was better off the medication than on it. And thenI started being an idiot again... I don't know what I am doing wrong, why it got so bad again. I want answers, and a way forward. I am not going to find that in medication..

I have never been particularly for meds anyway, have I?

I have decided I am not going to ask for a note with regards to essays and extensions- so I don't need to see R, contact my year head or anything. Sure, I may not get the degree classification I really want (I won't anyway), but surely that's better than feeling as though I am taking the mickey out of the system?

Hannahlou84

17-01-06, 20:14

Hiya..

Feeling really low again. I dropped so so many hints to C, even made comments about not eating, and feeling fat, and she didn't pick up on them... well, she didn't get me to elaborate.

Still nothing from El, and as well as feeling more desperate am also feeling more worried, as it has been a week...

I am considering see R tomorrow, at my friends' "reminder" but not sure what I would say-- so more than scared, really!

Karen

17-01-06, 21:26

Hi Hannah

Sorry you are feeling low again.

At times you may think the 'hints' you were giving were enough for someone to pick up on but this isn't always enough. It would probably be more helpful to come straight out with it, even though this is a bit scary. When are you seeing C again?

Maybe El is away or very busy.

What do you want to discuss with R? The uni stuff?

Karen

It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.

Hannahlou84

17-01-06, 22:28

I kind of felt that 5 or 6 random hints during a 50 minutes session was a lot. I was kind of blunt too. With "I go through quite long phases of not wanting to eat" and "My friends are having to cook to get me to eat". I can't just say it. It's too much. I am seeing C again next Tuesday. I don't want to. I feel really uncomfortable.

I know there are hundreds of reasons why El wouldn't have been in touch-- I am just paranoid because she even emailed me when she was in hospital before. I feel so desperate and alone.

C got a bit funny with me for laughing at the fact that Mum seems to think the washing up is more important than me. It was to stop me crying though because I am crying now. I can't do this. I feel like I am hurting people.

Not sure why I would be seeing R, under the pretence of getting her to contact the other lecturer, I guess. I do want that contact, but it is a bit late now. I know I will want more though. It's hard to keep yourself away when there is a chance, however small, that it might help.

Sorry for being a moany bint x