Ineedhelp
02-03-10, 11:52
Hi this is my first post, I have been reading the forum for quite a long time and have only just plucked up the courage to do this.
When i was very young I was sexually abused by a family friend for years, my mother found out but did nothing about it even stayed friends with the man. I have never been close with my mum as she has always made it clear that she never wanted me, she was always telling me that I should never have been born, I was a mistake and a waste of space. I am now 37 years old and have suffered everyday with the night terrors and flashbacks of what that man did to me. I have serious trust issues with everyone I meet and find it extremely hard to let anyone into my life because it scares me so much. Sixteen years ago I met a man who was different, I felt safe around him and had the courage to allow him to come into my life, 3 years after we met I fell pregnant with our 1st son, when I was 8 1/2 months pregnant I found he was having an affair it totally broke me, I had real trouble dealing with his lies and deceit but I took a chance and we worked on things, he swore he would never hurt me again. 13 years later I still had major trust issues but I kept them to myself for most of it and I thought we were strong and could carry on even though it was very hard. Just after Christmas I was looking on our pc when I came across some porn sites that he had been looking at, I was devastated, at first he denied it all but the evidence was there in front of me,he knew how I felt about them but he still did it, he said it was curiosity but 1 or 2 sites I could believe was curiosity but there were over 60 different sites, they made me physically sick. He said he liked the danger and that he did it when I had just popped out of the room for a couple of minutes. I feel so hurt that a man that says I am his world could do this and risk our lives together knowing what this would do to me. I love him so much but I am fighting so many demons in my life right now it feels like I am losing control. I have blocked out so much of my past but it seems to be catching up with me and I cant stop it, I hate myself, I know Im not the easiest person to live with because of the depression and I can see myself saying things to him that I dont mean, I am pushing him away because I feel he has let me down, I dont want to push him away but I cant stop myself. I need to shut him out so it doesnt hurt so much, when I am like that I just shutdown completely which leads to more rows. I had postnatal depression after my daughter was born 4 years ago,the dr put me on antidepressants which I am now off, I dont want to go back on them as I dont like the way they made me not care about anything. I cant talk to anyone as I have no one, I have no family and strangers scare the hell out of me, it has taken me 3 weeks to pluck up the courage to do this. I feel so lost, so alone and so scared, the flashbacks are becoming more frequent and I cant sleep because of the dreams, everyime I close my eyes he is there waiting for me. I dont know what to do, I just want it to stop. I want to be able to trust my husband but I cant because of what he has done. right now I just want to end it all. Please help me
When i was very young I was sexually abused by a family friend for years, my mother found out but did nothing about it even stayed friends with the man. I have never been close with my mum as she has always made it clear that she never wanted me, she was always telling me that I should never have been born, I was a mistake and a waste of space. I am now 37 years old and have suffered everyday with the night terrors and flashbacks of what that man did to me. I have serious trust issues with everyone I meet and find it extremely hard to let anyone into my life because it scares me so much. Sixteen years ago I met a man who was different, I felt safe around him and had the courage to allow him to come into my life, 3 years after we met I fell pregnant with our 1st son, when I was 8 1/2 months pregnant I found he was having an affair it totally broke me, I had real trouble dealing with his lies and deceit but I took a chance and we worked on things, he swore he would never hurt me again. 13 years later I still had major trust issues but I kept them to myself for most of it and I thought we were strong and could carry on even though it was very hard. Just after Christmas I was looking on our pc when I came across some porn sites that he had been looking at, I was devastated, at first he denied it all but the evidence was there in front of me,he knew how I felt about them but he still did it, he said it was curiosity but 1 or 2 sites I could believe was curiosity but there were over 60 different sites, they made me physically sick. He said he liked the danger and that he did it when I had just popped out of the room for a couple of minutes. I feel so hurt that a man that says I am his world could do this and risk our lives together knowing what this would do to me. I love him so much but I am fighting so many demons in my life right now it feels like I am losing control. I have blocked out so much of my past but it seems to be catching up with me and I cant stop it, I hate myself, I know Im not the easiest person to live with because of the depression and I can see myself saying things to him that I dont mean, I am pushing him away because I feel he has let me down, I dont want to push him away but I cant stop myself. I need to shut him out so it doesnt hurt so much, when I am like that I just shutdown completely which leads to more rows. I had postnatal depression after my daughter was born 4 years ago,the dr put me on antidepressants which I am now off, I dont want to go back on them as I dont like the way they made me not care about anything. I cant talk to anyone as I have no one, I have no family and strangers scare the hell out of me, it has taken me 3 weeks to pluck up the courage to do this. I feel so lost, so alone and so scared, the flashbacks are becoming more frequent and I cant sleep because of the dreams, everyime I close my eyes he is there waiting for me. I dont know what to do, I just want it to stop. I want to be able to trust my husband but I cant because of what he has done. right now I just want to end it all. Please help me