I need help

[Ineedhelp]

Hi this is my first post, I have been reading the forum for quite a long time and have only just plucked up the courage to do this.

When i was very young I was sexually abused by a family friend for years, my mother found out but did nothing about it even stayed friends with the man. I have never been close with my mum as she has always made it clear that she never wanted me, she was always telling me that I should never have been born, I was a mistake and a waste of space. I am now 37 years old and have suffered everyday with the night terrors and flashbacks of what that man did to me. I have serious trust issues with everyone I meet and find it extremely hard to let anyone into my life because it scares me so much. Sixteen years ago I met a man who was different, I felt safe around him and had the courage to allow him to come into my life, 3 years after we met I fell pregnant with our 1st son, when I was 8 1/2 months pregnant I found he was having an affair it totally broke me, I had real trouble dealing with his lies and deceit but I took a chance and we worked on things, he swore he would never hurt me again. 13 years later I still had major trust issues but I kept them to myself for most of it and I thought we were strong and could carry on even though it was very hard. Just after Christmas I was looking on our pc when I came across some porn sites that he had been looking at, I was devastated, at first he denied it all but the evidence was there in front of me,he knew how I felt about them but he still did it, he said it was curiosity but 1 or 2 sites I could believe was curiosity but there were over 60 different sites, they made me physically sick. He said he liked the danger and that he did it when I had just popped out of the room for a couple of minutes. I feel so hurt that a man that says I am his world could do this and risk our lives together knowing what this would do to me. I love him so much but I am fighting so many demons in my life right now it feels like I am losing control. I have blocked out so much of my past but it seems to be catching up with me and I cant stop it, I hate myself, I know Im not the easiest person to live with because of the depression and I can see myself saying things to him that I dont mean, I am pushing him away because I feel he has let me down, I dont want to push him away but I cant stop myself. I need to shut him out so it doesnt hurt so much, when I am like that I just shutdown completely which leads to more rows. I had postnatal depression after my daughter was born 4 years ago,the dr put me on antidepressants which I am now off, I dont want to go back on them as I dont like the way they made me not care about anything. I cant talk to anyone as I have no one, I have no family and strangers scare the hell out of me, it has taken me 3 weeks to pluck up the courage to do this. I feel so lost, so alone and so scared, the flashbacks are becoming more frequent and I cant sleep because of the dreams, everyime I close my eyes he is there waiting for me. I dont know what to do, I just want it to stop. I want to be able to trust my husband but I cant because of what he has done. right now I just want to end it all. Please help me

[Jaco45er]

Hi need and welcome to NMP

You will find terrific people here, some who have been through the terrible time you have (sadly) and I am sure you will get some great advice.

Although I have no experience as such with the terrible time you went through, I am thinking possibly you could chat to your GP to see if you could be reffered for some type of talk/PTSD therapy?

It is very understandable why you have depression, and if I may be so bold as to say that potentially this is a positive in only that it gives a professional therapist a cause to work with (unlike the type of depression/anxiety that comes without an obvious cause).

As for your husband and the sites you found on the PC, have you explained to your husband how you feel about it? He has been insensitive especially considering your past, but sometimes silly men need to be told straight how our partners feel.

I do feel you need to speak to a professional, they may even suggest EMDR a type of therapy especially developed for Flashbacks, but that is a decision for a GP/Therapist.

Also have you tried to have a heart to heart with your husband? let him know how you feel? Possibly once he realises the tourment you are going through, he will be more sensitive in terms of his actions.

It might just be you need to open up to someone, you are carrying alot on your poor shoulders, so I really would stress you talk firsty to a GP (even request a female GP and therapist if this would be better).

I hope more people post to help you, sorry I don't have much experience to offer but I really hope you start to improve soon.

Take care

Jaco

[gypsywomen]

hello i feel for you ,,you hae been through so much but i agree it would be wise to speak to your docter ,and he will find you people who will understand and hel you ,,never be scared to ask for help ,, if you get it you can start to rebuild your life your young ,god bless

[Ineedhelp]

Thankyou for your replies, yes my husband knew how I felt about that sort of stuff and he knew it would upset me but he still did it. I have tried talking to him but its not easy as I was taught from a young age not to talk, not to tell anyone, so I keep it all in and try to block it out. I am too scared to go to the drs because of what may happen, I am scared that if I open that can of worms there will be no going back for me and it will be too much for me and my family to cope with and I will lose them all. I am so screwed up in the head that I cant think straight, I dont know how to get out of this state of mind that I am in. When my husband tells me he loves me I cant believe him, why would he love me when my own mother didnt, the only person to claim they loved me was my abuser, he said that was why he was doing what he did.
My mother was always having affairs when I was younger and my stepfather was an alcoholic who used to beat her. My mother used to make me go on dates with 60 year old men so that she could meet her latest fella, I was her alibi for many years. I thought that was what I was meant to do, I didnt know any different even though I hated every second of it, men scare me so badly, I cant even stay in the same room with someone I dont know. I cant walk into pubs or restaurants because they terrify me. I have always been a bigger girl of my choice because that makes me unattractive to men but in the last 3 years I have gone from a size 32 to a 22, but now I am starting to get a bit of attention from men , I cant handle it, I dont want it, I dont want to be attractive to them. There is one man at my daughters preschool paying me quite a bit of attention and he scares me to the point where I cant take my daughter into school if he is there, I have to wait for him to leave first before I take her in. I am scared of everything.

[Jaco45er]

Hi need

Well the alcoholic parents I can relelate too.

There is a lot going on in your mind, I really do feel that if you could just find the courage to speak to you GP then it will be the start of a road to recovery.

The stuff with your mother, it's not your fault that she didn't love you, by the sounds of it she would not have loved any child.

You know, if you could get help, I am sure not only will you keep your family in tact, but your life will start to improve.

I totally understand why you would be so scared of men, but remember the vast majority of men (and women) are good, kind people, it's just the bad few that make us all suspicious of strangers. As RUSH (one of my fav bands :)) say:

Folks have got to make choices
And choices got to have voices
Folks are basically decent
Conventional wisdom would say
But we read about the exceprtions
In the papers everyday

You watch, knowing my luck I will get sued for copyright :)

What about calling your GP, just a call for a start, you could explain briefly that you are potentially suffering from depression possibly ptsd (I am not diagnosing you by the way) and explain to your doc that you are in fear of help because you feel you may lose everything.

I must say though, my own opinion is if you can just take this first step for help, I am 99% sure you wil never look back.

Remember you don't have to tell anyone, even your husband that you are going to the GP, or at least you don't have to tell him why if you don't want.

Sorry to go on, but from what you have said so far, you seem to be in a place where you are crying out for help but you are stopping yourself.

Think it over, think about giving your GP a call.

Take care

Jaco

[ZoJo]

Firstly a warm welcome to you and you have taken a massive step forward by actually posting. That does take courage.
You have been through so much and I just wanted to reply and say you will find lots of help and friends that are only too willing to listen and help.
If you don't feel like going to your GP to talk just yet then keep talking here, we all start on the road to recovery somewhere.
Big hugs to you :hugs:

[Jaco45er]

Yes I agree with zojo too :)

[ZoJo]

We posted at the same time Jacko!! I agree totally with you too!! :)