help..bad thoughts dont really know where to post this

[sugarpuff]

hi
dont really know what i hope to get from posting my story, but i am having a bad re lapse and dont know how to get through all this again not sure i have the strenght to do it but the anxiety is killing me inside
last year it started with a sore throat which went on for about 6 weeks and i convinced myself i had HIV from unsafe sex 8years ago after seeing my gp and having various blood tests that all came back clear i was still convinced so i went to another clinic for an hiv test which was negative the second i left the surgery i was convinced then the doctor had infected with the needle and my anxiety got worse until i couldnt function and had a breakdown at which point my GP diagnosed GAD/depression and phobia was put on 20mg fluoxetine / 80mg beta blocker (slow release)and started counselling privately as i couldnt even get on the NHS waiting list,after 4 months i started to function better and thought i was making progress then in november so sick and tired of keep running over the same thing i got another test (negative) at another doctor and he was great they specialised in this field put me at ease talked me thorugh everything showed me all the equipment and educated me a bit better about the virus,after this it did ease my anxiety a bit but never completely went away, i then had various other senarious in my head how i could get it but they passed through after about a week,i started washing hands all the time, never did anything in lots of 13, always careful about what i touched, made sure i stuck to a routine so nothing bad would happen but i thought i was dealing with it by just avoiding situations and that it would eventually leave me alone , came off the meds in jan and stopped counselling as it was costing so much and having real problems with my job so financially not in a good place, i thought i could deal with it on my own , but this week had another intrusive thought that didnt leave, i found a scratch on my ankle in november didnt think anything of it at the time, but by monday night i was convinced i had been stabbed by a dirty needle on the street, rational thinking would tell you that you would have know if you had stepped on a needle but not in my head, what was the first thing i did go and get tested again negative,eased my anxiety for 1 day until yesterday i was walking along checking all the while where i was walking making sure there was nothing on the ground that could harm me, and i got a pain in the ball of my foot, wasnt a stab maybe a bit like a pins and needles certainly didnt make me go ouch, or pull my foot up sharply, nothing stuck in my trainer and i checked my foot when i got home, no marks or blood or holes and i checked the floor quickly nothing was on the ground, but i am now convinced that someone purposely buried a needle in the crack in the pavement which i didnt see because it was so small, i also went back to the same bit of pavement today to see if i could see anything nothing found!, but i am now so scared i did step on a needle and i will get hiv or worse and it just keeps going round and round my head i cant rationalise anything.. i now this is a long long post and i dont know what i hope to get from it, but i feel like i am going to explode
thanks for having the kindness to read this far there are alot of lovely people here .is this anxiety/ocd or is there no hope for me:scared15:

[wiskersonkittens]

Sugarpuff -- when i was younger I went through a similar situation. At the time, it wasn't an HIV thing (was before all that), but I remember being really little and walking around outside somewhere and thought I felt something in my foot, but when I checked, there was nothing. I compulsively checked the ground once, twice, three times, and I know I kept checking my foot making sure I didn't miss something. I can't imagine so young what distressed me so. The good news is -- your mind is playing tricks on you, playing on one of your darkest fears, the bad news is, I have a feeling something is going on in your life right now that is hard to deal with emotionally and thus you are turning it inward and these fears are creeping up as a distraction. I was dating a guy many years ago and we had a troubled relationship and I started worrying about having HIV -- my mind would play back instances in my life where it would have possible to contract it (even surgery when i was about 8) and I was certain I had it. I would have rather dealt with that, than dealing with the relationship. I still do this -- if I can't face something emotinally, I face it physically. I wish I could just solve the problem at hand, but for some reason, I never learned how to and physical pain is much easier to alleviate than emotional. My brain knows this, and yours does, too. Of course, it makes things harder for us because we get overly paranoid, compulsive, and fearful. It's like being a hamster on a wheel -- it just keeps going in circles.
There is good news, also, in that there is hope for you. There is hope for us all, we just have to know where to find it. I would just take a look at things going on around you and see if you can pin point what triggered this for you. There is one (a trigger) - we all have one. Please feel free to write me anytime if you just need to talk. I wish you the best, and I know you will be ok. Hugs, Wiskers ~

[sunflower7]

Its really horrible when you get something in your head as nobody can convince you otherwise. My Husband and I have countless arguments about all my 'illnesses' but I still can't help it. I really feel for you. At the moment I have a metalic taste in my mouht and think its caused by something really bad :weep: Thinking of you

[wiskersonkittens]

Sunflower7 -- that metallic taste is anxiety related. You can find it under symptoms at www.anxietycentre.com (http://www.anxietycentre.com) (I believe the site is posted somewhere on here -- it is WONDERFUL! :D). I get that sometimes, too. It passes. :)

[sugarpuff]

hey wiskers, thanks so much for replying, what you say makes soooo much sense,obvious i suppose, but when you cant see the wood for the trees.
there are a few things going on right now which are creating alot of uncertainty, and i dont cope very well with it, particularly when it involves change. i thought i was coping quite well up until this week, my counsellor said that i have a tendancy to push things down and keep on going which do eventually turn in on itself like you say.
before finding NMP i felt completely alone like i was the only one in the world suffering, it does not cure the problem, but it helps so much to know that there are nice people like you & sunflower willing to take the time to read and reply.

sunflower i have had the metallic taste as well particularly when i was on all the meds, not very nice but it does pass

[wiskersonkittens]

Sugarpuff -- it is my pleasure. I hope I was able to help. I think one thing we anxiety sufferers need to do, especially when we are having a bad spell is try and think first, "What's going on in my life right now, what is it that I am battling?" It is always something and I think once we can do that (which is not easy because symptoms are scary -- whether they are aches, pains, weird sensations, even compulsions -- and our first thought is there is something physically wrong) we have won half the battle. If only I, myself, could get to that point! :D Anyway, feel free to PM me anytime if you just need someone to talk to, ok? Take care! Wiskers ~