sugarpuff
05-03-10, 19:42
hi
dont really know what i hope to get from posting my story, but i am having a bad re lapse and dont know how to get through all this again not sure i have the strenght to do it but the anxiety is killing me inside
last year it started with a sore throat which went on for about 6 weeks and i convinced myself i had HIV from unsafe sex 8years ago after seeing my gp and having various blood tests that all came back clear i was still convinced so i went to another clinic for an hiv test which was negative the second i left the surgery i was convinced then the doctor had infected with the needle and my anxiety got worse until i couldnt function and had a breakdown at which point my GP diagnosed GAD/depression and phobia was put on 20mg fluoxetine / 80mg beta blocker (slow release)and started counselling privately as i couldnt even get on the NHS waiting list,after 4 months i started to function better and thought i was making progress then in november so sick and tired of keep running over the same thing i got another test (negative) at another doctor and he was great they specialised in this field put me at ease talked me thorugh everything showed me all the equipment and educated me a bit better about the virus,after this it did ease my anxiety a bit but never completely went away, i then had various other senarious in my head how i could get it but they passed through after about a week,i started washing hands all the time, never did anything in lots of 13, always careful about what i touched, made sure i stuck to a routine so nothing bad would happen but i thought i was dealing with it by just avoiding situations and that it would eventually leave me alone , came off the meds in jan and stopped counselling as it was costing so much and having real problems with my job so financially not in a good place, i thought i could deal with it on my own , but this week had another intrusive thought that didnt leave, i found a scratch on my ankle in november didnt think anything of it at the time, but by monday night i was convinced i had been stabbed by a dirty needle on the street, rational thinking would tell you that you would have know if you had stepped on a needle but not in my head, what was the first thing i did go and get tested again negative,eased my anxiety for 1 day until yesterday i was walking along checking all the while where i was walking making sure there was nothing on the ground that could harm me, and i got a pain in the ball of my foot, wasnt a stab maybe a bit like a pins and needles certainly didnt make me go ouch, or pull my foot up sharply, nothing stuck in my trainer and i checked my foot when i got home, no marks or blood or holes and i checked the floor quickly nothing was on the ground, but i am now convinced that someone purposely buried a needle in the crack in the pavement which i didnt see because it was so small, i also went back to the same bit of pavement today to see if i could see anything nothing found!, but i am now so scared i did step on a needle and i will get hiv or worse and it just keeps going round and round my head i cant rationalise anything.. i now this is a long long post and i dont know what i hope to get from it, but i feel like i am going to explode
thanks for having the kindness to read this far there are alot of lovely people here .is this anxiety/ocd or is there no hope for me:scared15:
dont really know what i hope to get from posting my story, but i am having a bad re lapse and dont know how to get through all this again not sure i have the strenght to do it but the anxiety is killing me inside
last year it started with a sore throat which went on for about 6 weeks and i convinced myself i had HIV from unsafe sex 8years ago after seeing my gp and having various blood tests that all came back clear i was still convinced so i went to another clinic for an hiv test which was negative the second i left the surgery i was convinced then the doctor had infected with the needle and my anxiety got worse until i couldnt function and had a breakdown at which point my GP diagnosed GAD/depression and phobia was put on 20mg fluoxetine / 80mg beta blocker (slow release)and started counselling privately as i couldnt even get on the NHS waiting list,after 4 months i started to function better and thought i was making progress then in november so sick and tired of keep running over the same thing i got another test (negative) at another doctor and he was great they specialised in this field put me at ease talked me thorugh everything showed me all the equipment and educated me a bit better about the virus,after this it did ease my anxiety a bit but never completely went away, i then had various other senarious in my head how i could get it but they passed through after about a week,i started washing hands all the time, never did anything in lots of 13, always careful about what i touched, made sure i stuck to a routine so nothing bad would happen but i thought i was dealing with it by just avoiding situations and that it would eventually leave me alone , came off the meds in jan and stopped counselling as it was costing so much and having real problems with my job so financially not in a good place, i thought i could deal with it on my own , but this week had another intrusive thought that didnt leave, i found a scratch on my ankle in november didnt think anything of it at the time, but by monday night i was convinced i had been stabbed by a dirty needle on the street, rational thinking would tell you that you would have know if you had stepped on a needle but not in my head, what was the first thing i did go and get tested again negative,eased my anxiety for 1 day until yesterday i was walking along checking all the while where i was walking making sure there was nothing on the ground that could harm me, and i got a pain in the ball of my foot, wasnt a stab maybe a bit like a pins and needles certainly didnt make me go ouch, or pull my foot up sharply, nothing stuck in my trainer and i checked my foot when i got home, no marks or blood or holes and i checked the floor quickly nothing was on the ground, but i am now convinced that someone purposely buried a needle in the crack in the pavement which i didnt see because it was so small, i also went back to the same bit of pavement today to see if i could see anything nothing found!, but i am now so scared i did step on a needle and i will get hiv or worse and it just keeps going round and round my head i cant rationalise anything.. i now this is a long long post and i dont know what i hope to get from it, but i feel like i am going to explode
thanks for having the kindness to read this far there are alot of lovely people here .is this anxiety/ocd or is there no hope for me:scared15: