what is this feeling

[DagoGirl]

This might be long - im sorry. Im just very scared right now and I need you guys...

As you all know I doubled my dose of lustral officially as of yesterday morning. It did make me feel tired and sleepy. However something else happened. I got very panicky and started having wierd thoughts for example "what if I had to go to the hospital because I totally freaked out, but there was nothing they could do because im already taking meds". "I dont want to be home alone, but what if being at my moms stopped comforting me." etc It just kind of came out of nowhere - I havent gotten panicky like that in a long time and never while sitting at my moms. I wrote in my anxiety journal and it didnt help so finally I took my sedative and went to bed for the nite. I woke up this morning feeling "weird" again. Cant really describe it, but it almost as if I just felt like I didnt care. Like numb. I wasnt really anxious and sweaty like all the other mornings ive gotten so used to. I was just like blank almost. I just felt like I didnt care about anything and nothing mattered and "so what" about everything. Course then I started thinking a million thoughts again and so I got anxious. Called and talked to a friend for a bit. Then I was soooo sleepy again so I took a 3 hour nap. I woke up again from my nap and again I wasnt anxious right away, until I thought about all these thoughts ive been having and then it started again. Im going back and forth in my mind with negative thoughts, then positive thoughts. One minute I feel terrible and doomed. In the next instant im looking forward to something or feel hopeful. The constant, very swift back and forth is making me feel uneasy like im some sort of lunatic. Is that what everyone else who recovered feels like. Its back and forth so fast its making my head spin. I tried to explain it my mom and she thinks that today I look and sound better then I have since it all started. She thinks the meds are starting to work and that its a good thing to keep going back and forth because at least there is a fight going on and its not all negative. But I feel terrible, out of control. Keep having this feeling that im going to just totally freak out and then all of a sudden im fine again. Can anyone please relate??? At least these last 7 weeks I knew what do expect. My whole day was predictable and I knew that by dinner time id be much more relaxed. My days were the same pretty much and I could at least rely on that as comfort. When last nite hit me it took me for a ride. It scared me because Id never felt whatever this weird feeling im having before. It screwed up my nite. Its almost like not caring about certain things made me feel like something was wrong with me. I cant tell if the "not caring" is because im so depressed or if its because im not so anxious about things. Im having a hard time even thinking about being normal. Like going out and being social and going home to my apartment is all kinda scaring me because im just not ready for it, but in a sense thats what im striving for. I wonder if I am starting to feel better and the thought of doing things I havent had to do in weeks is doing me in? I kind of liked my routine, it was safe and comfortable to me. Is this a sign the meds are working or has doubling it as the dr oderdered giving me more anxiety??? My mom thinks ill be back to good in a couple weeks tops, but I feel like a big mess. My thoughts are racing and all over the place. Sorry if this doesnt even make sense, I just felt like I needed help bad today. Thanks Chrissy

[existential crisis]

Chrissy,

I'm hazard a guess that the thoughts and feeling you are having are very much down to your medication being increased. I know that when I took medication it didnt agree with me at all and I experienced all the things that you are talking about now, not to mention a few more to boot! I had the numbness, the racing thoughts, the mood swings - everything you describe. I think the fact that you are feeling more hopeful and excited inbetween is a good thing - it shows that you are making progress. I also think that the not caring could be something to do with meds - I also felt like that. Like you don't really care about anything, but you feel awful at the same time? Thats how I was. The fact that you are thinking about starting to go out and get back to 'normal' is surely a good thing, but of course it is going to make you feel slightly anxious because it is a big thing to resume a normal and full life when you are so used to avoiding everything due to the anxiety. You should try and take it easy and not put pressure on yourself to do too much - just take 'baby steps' when it comes to doing things again and don't force yourself to do anything that you don't feel comfortable with. You definately arent a lunatic - although I can empathise with that feeling because it's how I felt when I was on meds. Take it easy and give them chance to work. Hope you are feeling better soon. Clare. xxx

*I think, therefore I am.*

[Shadowwin]

Hi Chrissy,

I understand totally =) when I started effexor I was started out at 37.5 mg then raised up after 7 days to 75 mg.. Within the first two days of the increase while I didn't feel panicky my mind was abolsutely whirling this way and that the oddest things crept in there and there were a few days i was tempted to check myself into the mental ward.. all the while feeling like I just didn't care and that it didn't matter at all anymore..

I had my first session with my therapist during that week and while I was there I explained to him the empty feeling.. what he told me was take someone who has been anxious for a period of time and start to remove that anxiousness they won't know what to do..In fact that's why I had such a hard time with relaxation therapy it took away what I precieved as "the normal" for me.

Now the key to that emptiness is to fill it with things that make you happy.. Be it a good book, some music or even a hot shower. It can be anything that brings a smile to your face or helps you explore who you are.. after all you've had a barrier between you and the world for so long you need some time to regroup and decide what's next.

I found the process of relaxing almost as scary as my panic attacks hehe because it was a foreign feeling to me but it does get better after a while you adjust to not always being on edge it just takes time.

Brightest Blessings
Talia

[DagoGirl]

Yeah Talia thats kinda it. I really hope it is that im getting better, do you think that is it? How long will it take to settle on the new dose? I figured out the words to describe how im feeling - restless and stifled. I dont want to lay on the couch, but I dont want to get up either. I dont want to be social, but I dont really want to be alone. I dont want to fall asleep, but I dont really feel like being awake. I dont want to talk on the phone with anyone, but I dont want to feel lonely. I dont want to make plans with my friends to go anywhere this week but I cant imagine sitting around all day. Thats what I mean by restless. Can you relate??? Now as you know a week ago I was totally content just sitting in my Pj's on the couch and now I dont want to do that, but I cant figure out what I DO want to do. Is that a sign of recovery? I dont know what "feeling better" acutally entails so im wondering if this is it?