View Full Version : Feeling Guilty, Thought It Would Pass
I sort of know my answer but I need to write this down. Think it through. You can comment if you want but I won't be offended if you don't. My daughter has a horse riding lesson once a week (started a year ago). She goes with my friends daughter. I really love my friend and her kids. Well, I went to look at a pony with my friend today, shes thinking of buying one for her daughter. They are not rich or anything and I am financially we are in a much better position. Thing is, my daughter is upset she can't have one. The difference is, my husband wants to retire in his early 50's like his Dad. We haven't stretched ourselves with our mortgage like my friend has and we overpay our mortgage by a massive amount so hubby can retire as soon as house is paid for in 12 yrs. We have a good lifestyle, don't really worry about money but thats cause we don't waste it. I dpon't have to work and I apprecviate how lucky I am in this day and age! We save if we need anything and we haven't extravagant tastes. My friends attitude is you can't take it with you and life is about living and experiences so she wants to give her kids everything she didn't have. I agree with her in this sense but I have my husband on the other hand who lives for retirement and won't do anything without military prescision and as far as hes concerned horses are smelly dirty creatures and she should be satisfied with a lesson. He refuses to have a dog because he doesn't want to be tied. Doesn't matter what we want! I could give up my gym membership but then I may get ill again and I know it would be better for my daughter that I don't get ill again than having a pony. I just can't help feeling like a real let down. Why can't she have a pony? Why not just go for it. If we don't enjoy it, we sell it! I really feel like my dreams and ambitions for me and daughter are held back by dreams of retirement. Isn't today what matters?
Anxious_gal
05-03-10, 22:00
what age is she?
well having a pony seems like a huge expense an time and energy!
maybe she can ride her friends pony?
she can always buy her self one when she is older.
if her friend had not gotten pony she probably wouldn't be so upset about it.
maybe after a few weeks she will calm down.
seriously don't feel guilty if you don't get her a pony.
just make sure , if you decide not to get her one, that your very clear about it otherwise she may hold on to some hope that if she keeps asking she will give in.
i think your such a sweet mother for considering her feelings :-)
maybe write down all the pro's and con's first and take your time to make the best decision .
Anxious_gal
05-03-10, 22:02
oo one thing you could do if you have space, it let rescue organizations use your land, for their horses.
my friend did this, the rescue people came by every day to care and feed the horses.
only thing is I guess the horses will eventually find a new home.
No child should get absolutely everything they want - and a pony is quite an extravangance, not to mention a huge commitment! As a mother, you're looking at the bigger picture and trying to consider everyone's feelings and the long term effects in order to make the right decision. That's quite a lot of pressure. Maybe there's a compromise to be made? E.g a nice treat for your daughter but something that's not quite so expensive and long term?
Don't feel guilty. You are securing a future for your daughter and she's lucky to have a mum that is around for her, and who also clearly cares about her.
Take care.
Thanks guys.mishel shes 9. She can't really ride her friends pony coz her friend doesn't share very well. It was difficult enough getting her to let my daughter hold her new puppy! I have said there is no way we are getting her one so her hopes are not being built up. Having a pony can be a huge expense, you are right. Time isn't the problem really! Maybe she wouldn't have asked for a pony if her friend hadn't, good point! We haven't got a house with land but would have loved your idea otherwise!
Ratbrain I just remember how I felt when I was little and I couldn't have things. I came from a working class family with 5 kids, Dad bless him worked 7 days a week and Mum looked after us full time. We didn't have a car, a phone, a video, and we never went abroad, couldn't afford it. I wore a lot of my sisters hand me downs . We most importantly had all the things a child needs, love, warmth, food, clothes and we felt safe and secure. Can't fault Mum n Dad AT ALL. I had a friend at the time who was an only child, she had all the material things I didn't. I gotta admit, I was so jealous of her but she was a nice girl. Now, I am glad I have all my brothers n sisters instead.
Despite all this I still feel a let down. Its the scenario of my only child school friend and I all over again but its my daughters turn this time. Except her friend isn't an only child and she has a Mum who goes for what she wants because her child is important to her, despite the consequences. Thats what makes me feel so bad! Why can't I just throw caution to the wind and go for it? Sometimes I feel so suffocated because this isn't just about me, I have to think about hubby too! I don't blame him for wanting to retire early I have to say!
Hello Smudger,
I know where you are coming from. We all want our children to have the best and have the same as their friends. I think a pony is something different though. It's a huge expense and commitment and could actually cause you more stress just worrying about it all. It's great your daughter's having lessons. When she gets older she has the chance to go on and buy a pony herself and she'll already know how to handle them, thanks to you. I'd say that unless you have thousands upon thousands of pounds to spare then I don't think you should think about buying one. It's also great that you have a comfortable life and that your husband has plans. I know people who have worked hard all their lives, retired in their 60's and have immediately gone on to ill health. So I can see where your husband is coming from when he wants to retire early and enjoy the rest of his life. We are all different. I'm a bit like your friend in that I feel you can't take it with you and you only live once, but I still feel that a pony is a huge thing to take on. You are only feeling what lots of us would feel, me included, that you don't want your daughter to miss out, but she has a lovely mum, and good lifestyle, and having lessons are a real treat. Don't beat yourself up.
Myra:hugs:
Thank you Myra Your words are comforting. I know in my heart whjat you say makes sense. We spend 6 weeks in the summer holidays in Wales so really that has a gr8 bearing on having pets as it is! That would be a big consideration! As she gets older I will drive her every weekend to help out voluntarily at the stables if she wants to. Guess what she is doing as I type? She is outside with her riding helmet on riding her bike like a horse!!!! Guess she doesn't need a real one afterall! :yesyes:
Hi Smudger
I'm not going to make any comment about your marriage or your husbands principles because that is not fair and I know you are upset at the moment..
I do understand about the pony and do you know I had horses when I was younger and to this day I still say it was the happiest days in my life.
Okay practical... the horse/pony thing would be beneficial to you both believe me.. it is a healthy way to enjoy a hobby and switch off from the world thats how I felt two worlds the real one and the getting away that horses brought they are expensive but so therapeutic and give you a healthy stance on your life.
Have you thought about either taking on a share or loan of a pony/horse..depending on your daughters age and height why not get something that you can both enjoy... it cuts the expense why not consider this with your friend or look round at local yards..if field kept even cheaper..
Maybe you daughter could take on a paper round to help contribute if it is something she really wants.
You are entitled to have some of the things in life that makes you but remember that the kids that grow up with it round them without having to work for it are the ones that don't appreciate it as much.. all my spare money went on the horses and I didn't go clubbing as much as my friends and whole heartedly enjoyed money spent...
There are alternatives find those Smudger I know you will if determination takes hold and enjoy the wonderful hours of fresh air ...therapeutic times and have fantastic fun riding ... go girlie x
Redrainbow
06-03-10, 16:23
Hi smudger,
Well we have to do the best for our children we can, i would probably buy her the horse, after all your daughter will get enjoyment out of it.. You can't take money with you they say, so best to have some fun if you can.
All of us on here know above all you have to try and live life the best you can, if you can afford it go for it smudger,,lifes to short,,
Regards Wayne.
Now I am confused! We could loan a pony from her riding stable for £25 a week but they won't allow it until she can do everything without help (and I agree on this principle). Getting a bit in the horses mouth is a no no at the moment. Even I can't do it. I think I am going to hold fire on this one until she shows more commitment and responsibility and can earn some towards the cost. Sharonsk I can't ever imagine allowing her to have a paper round when shes older, I would worry myself to an early grave I'm afraid! Shes only 9 yrs old at the moment anyway. Thanks for your positive advice though.
Anxious_gal
08-03-10, 00:52
she's only 9! she is still a bit young for a pony! I had a gold fish at that age :-)
lol! She's had one of those (didn't take much interest) and has a hamster. I play with it more than she does but she does clean it out. Think a pony is too much to take on at the moment.
HI, We are similar to your friend I suppose, we live for the moment and tend to spend all our money on here and now.
We have a pony for our girls, we own him we decided against loaning one. I have listed some Pros and Cons for you.
Pros
Keeps your daughters busy.
Teaches them responsibility.
Makes us all spend time together as a family.
Has brought us closer together and given us a common interest with our teenage daughter.
Gives them endless joy.
If you loan you can give him back.
Cons
It took us 3 years to find the right pony. Horseriding is the most dangerous sport in the country and it took a long time to find one that was bomb proof on the road.
Cost, well £3,00.00 initially. £70.00 every six weeks for shoes, £100.00 per month stable in summer. The cost of stabling in the winter is about £270.00 per month in winter plus food.
Public Liability and health insurance 30.00 per month.
Tack- some come with tack but you need to buy new rugs every 18months or so.
In the summer we just need to check on him once a day as he lives out but in the winter it is an hour in the morning and at least 1 hour a night. We cannot go away for 6 months of the year.
We cannot affor holidays abroad anymore only in this country.
Our pony is 10 the can live up to 30 years. You could sell but to be honest it is an awful business with horses ending up at markets and for meat, could you really sell him when they have outgrown him.
Dont want to put you off but I think it is such a massive comittment you all have to be prepared to to care for it.
Personally I do not like horses I have an allergy to them but, I do like feeling closer to my girls and it helps us spend time together. Hope this helps.
xx
This is REALLY helpful for me AND my friend, thank you so much.
Hi Smudger...
Going through a real wobbly at the moment.. but had to reply... I'm sorry I didn't mean to make you feel guilty or confused ...honestly.
I didn't know how old your daughter was but since seen she is only young... I helped out at yards from when I was 10 had my first riding lesson at 9... I was more than happy to help out and infact still remember William and Tony my treasure riding school horses... it made my love grow eventually I talked ate and slept horses ...
You don't have to provide a horse or pony for your daughter to get that horsey bug as we call it ... she will get as much fun and pleasure from helping out and if like me and she does get bitten big time she will get one herself believe me...
Its funny..we all worry so much what the children get but all we have to do is think back to how we girls loved our pencil cases...something so simple but didn't we... we didn't have all this technology or money or gadgets or such high fashion expenses but we all have at least something that we remember and it is usually something that either cost nothing..or something that we had to work to get...
Smudger give yourself a hug... read some of your posts and you are a great mum... you have given the most important thing ...love ... you soppy x
Sharonsk what a lovely post. I so wish you weren't suffering, its hard to hear nice people suffering. You didn't make me feel guilty don't worry. I just get confused coz some people are encouraging me n others not! I agree about the simple things whole heartedly though. We made paper mache horse masks at home last week n she has obsessed about them! Who would have thought just a balloon, glue n newspaper n paint could be so fulfilling! Trouble is, kids can give you such a look can't they when they don't get what they want! It cuts you in half! Especially if their friends constantly get the material things they don't! I'm not sure how old she has to be to work at the stables insurance wise so I need to check that out. Are you in the UK, do u know the law? She is a member of the pony club and I believe you get extra insurance with that. I need to research I think!
I didn't have to worry bout those things when I helped there was none of that ..just like at swimming we dived from diving blocks now the kids have to do a certificate to say that they have passed the diving blocks to use them in competitions..beyond me.....
I know when my daughter was interested we enquired at a local yard.. she would have had to do a certificate at the yard which they charged for and then she would be able to help...luckily it was a passing phase..something her friends did.. I did wonder as my mum still has my old shetland beside the house ..my mares companion.. and my daughter had never shown any interest!!!!
I can certainly find out for you no problems and come back to you x
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