Even cried in front of my daughters,i shld b protecting them!!

[tulip741]

Hi,

Has been an awful wk for me,prob 4 a lot of others too.
I havent been this bad in a while.Last sunday i broke down in front of my daughters and said thru my tears that i sometimes wish they had a better mother,i told them i just feel as if im dying.Bless them they started crying so i had to try and put it all right again.I believe i have health,social and general anxiety disorders. The symptoms over the years have just weakened me i feel.As soon as i feel i have overcome one thing theres another,its as if i always have to have something to worry about.Right now its my throat and just feeling like im going to choke,can hardly eat,hope this worry doesnt last too long.Havent given myself a diagnosis yet tho,got to try not to do that.What i am thinking is i will never eat properly again,end up anorexic,really ill and in hospital.Just totally preoccupied with swallowing food at the moment.Am so fed up of all of this. Worried about my heart for years,still do sometimes,my breathing,my mind,blood clots,there is always something. Just sick of it.Drs tell me im ok but i just cant get that what if out of my head.I feel nackered.

[ally b]

Hi tulip. I havent got children,butt i can sympathise wiv ya.Are you getting any help at all? medication or therapy?
I really feel for ya,an im sure your daughters want there mum to feel better.I dont know a hole lot about anxiety/panic attacks,butt the physical symptoms your getting scream out anxiety/panic.Keep posting on here,you will get great advise,to put your mind at rest.sending:bighug1:to ya.I wish you well.an we are always here.xx

[tulip741]

Thanku so much 4 ur kind words. Am just sick of it.I feel like im letting everyone down including myself. Im actually on my third lot of cbt,have got my final appointment on monday.I like the idea of alternative medicine,will have to see how i get on.Its when u get focussed on some symptom and cant get it out of ur mind,that does my head in.Sometimes i can pull myself out of it but am at the moment in that weak mind set.Oh i dont know.

Thanku again,blessings x

[Dee dee]

I too have broke down infront of my 2 children b4 now..sometimes u just can't fight back the tears. I suffer from acute anxiety/depression, it got so bad I had to go on medication and now I feel almost 100% back in control of things and my kids are much happier for it.
I still get that tight feeling in my throat not constant like before.
I know what your going through
I hope things work out for you.
Your not alone xxx

[tulip741]

Bless your heart Dee dee. Have been trying for so many years to just b ok,feel as if ive had enough now and really need to start doing something about all of this.I know much of it is down to myself and its up to me to put the effort in.Its hard as being a mother of 4 i tend to put myself on the back burner. I feel like i want to fight back.My children,my spouse and myself miss out on so much because of how i get.Sometimes i think of how things could b if i wasnt like this,its so frustrating and sad.My kids do nothing nice with me anymore,no nice leisure activities bcoz of all of this.Its so sad. Thank you again xx

[ally b]

Noooo,dont say that tulip,you are not weak at all.God,please tell your doc wots going on in your head,dont feel alone:bighug1:I dont like the idea to have to take druge(ssri) just to be able to function,butt if it helps take them,it doesnt have to be 4ever. Promisexx

[Dee dee]

At the end of the day anxiety is a tuff thing to go through as we know...It does not mean you are weak.
I think the thing that helped pull me through was my kids....I remember being in the shower one day crying thinking I was a bad mum etc and then I suddenly thought ok so If im a bad mother how can I make it change (even tho I wasn a bad mum the anxiety made me think I was). I then started thinking right this thing is not going to beat me so I got dressed and took the kids down the beach..only for 20mins and it was sooo hard, I was crapping myself..heart pounding dizzy etc but I thought no its not my kids fault how I feel so I litterally forced myself bit by bit each day..yes the meds take the edge off but it doesn control how I think....and as I have no family or support around and Im all my kids have it gave me the will to do my best and that is all we can do is our best xxx

[tulip741]

Dee dee,such a positive post.Yes sometimes i really do feel i am a s**t mum but deep down im not.I love my kids so much,want to b hear for them,want to do for them and raise them as upstanding and confident adults.Ur right tho,i need to start making those little steps instead of saying to them "oh we'll see and oh im tired today,maybe another day" i really dont want them missing out.I want so much to be stronger,people do tell me im strong but i always speak negative myself,never see the good.Sometimes im feeling so crap and tearful and one of my kids will do something which just uplifts me,bless them.I want to b so much better for them,and myself too. I will find that inner strength. x

[Dee dee]

yes u will..we all have it in us. Sometimes we got to just force ourselves to do things....I totally get you when u say u tell the kids your too tired etc..thats me sometimes but not as bad as b4...I mostly make myself do things even when I dont want to and I find once I've done them I feel better as I've kept my promise to the kids and I feel I've achieved something.
Does the CBT not help??
I found it has helped me . They give u the tools but it's up to u to use them.
As hard as it is I would force yourself out...you may even enjoy it...
I know what u mean about feeling crap and one of the kids do something to uplift u..that warm surge of love and happiness you feel inside is the best thing in the world...and thats what keeps you going....
It must be hard with four kids and not getting time to yourself, maybe when they go to bed pamper yourself...have a long soak..do your nails, I dunno anything that makes you feel better
I find exercise makes me feel better. Have some goals and put them into practice, they dont have to be major goals. Just something to keep you focused. But try to have some chill out time for yourself, its important xxx

[jamiehattie]

Ditto!
Having had panic attacks now for over ten years developing agoraphobia as pat of panic disorder..I had always managed to stay strong for my kids. I never had panic attacks in front of them, as I didnt want them to pick up the fears and anxiety from me !
Something happned a month ago (Absolutely nothing in particular!) but I started having panic attacks all day and everyday..even though I am married I hysterically phone screaming for my mom, and sob uncontrollably by the fear and the life I have.
This however is no longer within my control. I am no longer staying strong for my kids, it seems that the fear is bigger than my maternal instict. I cant stop it..im terrified of everything and spend most of my days in full blown panic hyperventilating, trembling, screaming and sweating or crying from guilt that I am damaging my kids !
I am having an psyche assessment 11th March (8years Ive been having these!) so hope things will start looking up!

I know its normal to become depressed when you have lived with fear and anxiety a long time, so perhaps thats what we have!

People say kids are resilliant, mine are 5 yearsm 4 years and 18 months old, but i know it has effected them in a way as I have even been aware of my 18 month old trying to hug me when in an hysterical state!

I just hope that this will end, and that I can love my kids and be the mom they deserve..I know we are fighters, thats why we are here, and its obvious we love our kids or we wouldnt care, so I am sure (although It is hard to see when your in the pit of despair) that our children will not follow in our footsteps, but may even been better adjusted and more tolerant people when adults, full of compassion and love! We shuldnt kick our selves, we are ill, if we were in a wheel chair would we beat our selves up for not ebing able to play football with our kids? No, and neither would our kids they would accept it, and it wouldnt effect them. The same applies to us!

Its also healthy for children to see that adults do not have to be invincible, and can be vulnerable and cry, then when they are older they wont feel they have failed if things get a bit tough and they need to have a cry. They just accept that adults can cry when they are upset just like children and thats normal!

[Dee dee]

hi jamie hattie
what your describing is exactly I was over christmas...constantly in fear and panic..it was so bad I had to ask my childrens father to have them for a few wks whilst I went on mediction.
have you thought about medication, it has really helped me, its been abit of a rollercoaster ride but Im almost there now xx

[andrea thompson]

hiya hon,
you will find that inner strength. my little boy is three and i hate for him to see me insuch a weak state. i just wanted to let you know there are others in similar circumstances. your love for your children will shine through any problems you may have. dont you think that sometimes worrying like we do makes us realise how precious our relationships are and makes us treasure those special times we have with family and friends.

take care

andrea x x

[tulip741]

Sometimes i feel its my children which pull me thru my dark times.When i dont want to get up,i have to,to do the school run and get to work,when i dont feel like cooking,i have to get up and provide a meal.I know i have to be more motivated when it comes to taking them places,i know that.Im gonna really try,even if i feel i am putting myself at risk bcoz thats how i'll feel,but for my kids im willing.Just those little steps.Its the little things that count isnt it? x

[Dee dee]

It deffinaley is the little things that count Tulip...sounds like your doing alot already and working too.....dont b so hard on yourself....do little things for you as well as the kids xxx