Juliamidlands
09-01-06, 09:42
I am going from one extreme to the other, and I'm really confused... [xx(]
I thought I'd made progress over Christmas when I was in Wales- although I didn't drive there myself, I still sometimes feel wierd when I am a passenger, but I had no problems at all when I was in the car with Dave and we were driving down some really dark country roads.
So I went back to work last Tuesday, and was not looking forward to the drive home at all- but I was absolutely fine. Wednesday was ok, thursday was not TOO bad and Friday...well that's a different story..
On Friday afternoon, I didn't feel great, felt really shakey, it was sort of like how you feel when you're getting a cold/flu, but I didn't feel 'ill' as such, and I dont even know if the shakeyness was through to worrying about the drive home, as I'd had such a good week with the driving, so didn't have too much reason to worry.
So I got into my car, and immediately got stuck in traffic leaving the business park where I work. Sitting in traffic doesnt usually bother me, but I really needed to get home quickly on friday as I had to be somewhere, so I started getting edgy. Then the local radio traffic reports said that there was heavy traffic due to an accident on the main road going back into the area where I live (10 miles away). So I could have either sat in the traffic , or gone onto the by-pass for one junction, but there was no way I was going to do that because I have a phobia of joining traffic on an A-road or Motorway, so I thought well I will just sit in the traffic.
But then, nearer home, the traffic report said that the road with the accident on it had now been closed off.completely. I then got really freaked out because it was dark anyway and that's where my problem lies, so about three miles from home, I pulled over in a lay-by and burst into tears, shaking all over and feeling totally out of control.
I didn't know what to do, so I ended up calling my mum, who came out with my Dad and she drove me back home. I felt so completely useless.
I really don't know what's wrong with me. I have been given help- Propanolol, but I am terrified of taking it, so it's still unopened in the box. I have this major problem with anything that might involve a loss of control, so I've not taken my tablets as it's out of my hands, once I've taken one, if that makes any sense at all.
There is one thing that I can think of which MIGHT have made the way I felt last week so different at the end of the week that it was at the beginning- but I'm not convinced- I have a lot of weight to lose and last week, I started my healthy eating plan by eating lots of fruit, having soup for my lunch, salad, etc. I don't have a great deal of willpower but I am REALLY trying, but on friday, the big tin of biscuits in the office that were left over from Christmas became too much to resist, and I had a couple (!) (the same applies to the tin of Quality Street, too,).
I'm sure that I felt worse, and shakey, after eating all that rubbish.
Is it just a coincidence that I felt pretty good (and almost totally panic-free) at the start of the week when I was eating healthily?? Or am I just reading into it too much??
I know I'm my own worst enemy- I went to the doctors, she gave me the Propanolol to help me and I'm scared of the side effects so I've not taken it.
But what do I do, I know I can't give into this, or I'd never drive anywhere in the dark ever again. I have even considered giving up my job, and getting one close to home in the town where I live, but that would just be putting a 'plaster' over the problem, and giving in to it. I so want to overcome it, and for that reason, I'm 'trying' to carry on as normal. (although I still have not done the journey where all this started- I had my first panic attack at the end of october last year, whilst driving home from Dave's, completely out of the blue, and have not driven over there since, Dave has come over to mine and picked me up every time).
Sorry for rambling on, but this is really getting to me- I should be the happiest
I thought I'd made progress over Christmas when I was in Wales- although I didn't drive there myself, I still sometimes feel wierd when I am a passenger, but I had no problems at all when I was in the car with Dave and we were driving down some really dark country roads.
So I went back to work last Tuesday, and was not looking forward to the drive home at all- but I was absolutely fine. Wednesday was ok, thursday was not TOO bad and Friday...well that's a different story..
On Friday afternoon, I didn't feel great, felt really shakey, it was sort of like how you feel when you're getting a cold/flu, but I didn't feel 'ill' as such, and I dont even know if the shakeyness was through to worrying about the drive home, as I'd had such a good week with the driving, so didn't have too much reason to worry.
So I got into my car, and immediately got stuck in traffic leaving the business park where I work. Sitting in traffic doesnt usually bother me, but I really needed to get home quickly on friday as I had to be somewhere, so I started getting edgy. Then the local radio traffic reports said that there was heavy traffic due to an accident on the main road going back into the area where I live (10 miles away). So I could have either sat in the traffic , or gone onto the by-pass for one junction, but there was no way I was going to do that because I have a phobia of joining traffic on an A-road or Motorway, so I thought well I will just sit in the traffic.
But then, nearer home, the traffic report said that the road with the accident on it had now been closed off.completely. I then got really freaked out because it was dark anyway and that's where my problem lies, so about three miles from home, I pulled over in a lay-by and burst into tears, shaking all over and feeling totally out of control.
I didn't know what to do, so I ended up calling my mum, who came out with my Dad and she drove me back home. I felt so completely useless.
I really don't know what's wrong with me. I have been given help- Propanolol, but I am terrified of taking it, so it's still unopened in the box. I have this major problem with anything that might involve a loss of control, so I've not taken my tablets as it's out of my hands, once I've taken one, if that makes any sense at all.
There is one thing that I can think of which MIGHT have made the way I felt last week so different at the end of the week that it was at the beginning- but I'm not convinced- I have a lot of weight to lose and last week, I started my healthy eating plan by eating lots of fruit, having soup for my lunch, salad, etc. I don't have a great deal of willpower but I am REALLY trying, but on friday, the big tin of biscuits in the office that were left over from Christmas became too much to resist, and I had a couple (!) (the same applies to the tin of Quality Street, too,).
I'm sure that I felt worse, and shakey, after eating all that rubbish.
Is it just a coincidence that I felt pretty good (and almost totally panic-free) at the start of the week when I was eating healthily?? Or am I just reading into it too much??
I know I'm my own worst enemy- I went to the doctors, she gave me the Propanolol to help me and I'm scared of the side effects so I've not taken it.
But what do I do, I know I can't give into this, or I'd never drive anywhere in the dark ever again. I have even considered giving up my job, and getting one close to home in the town where I live, but that would just be putting a 'plaster' over the problem, and giving in to it. I so want to overcome it, and for that reason, I'm 'trying' to carry on as normal. (although I still have not done the journey where all this started- I had my first panic attack at the end of october last year, whilst driving home from Dave's, completely out of the blue, and have not driven over there since, Dave has come over to mine and picked me up every time).
Sorry for rambling on, but this is really getting to me- I should be the happiest