Freaking out about...BEING ALIVE

[Pdubya86]

Ok, so in the space of 4 or 5 months I have gone from anxiety free to being mentally, in a bit of a pickle.

I think I am suffering from depersonalisation/derealisation (though not fully sure, I'm still convinced I have something nasty going on in my brain, a trip to the neurologist in a weeks time because of my buzzing feet will hopefully help to address this!).

My mind is working on overdrive for large parts of the day. Just lately, I've started to freak myself out with completely irrational and non-nonsensical thoughts. I've become anxious about being alive I think!!! (I'm definitely not suicidal). Its hard to put in to words...Its like I have become scared of the vastness of space we live in, and how we are all completely exposed (like agoraphobia I guess, but being inside doesn't seem to help much when this panic happens). The worst part is, there is no where to hide. Sometimes I'm lying in bed, and I begin to get this almost overwhelming panic in my mind that I'm here, the space around me feels like its closing in on me, and although I'm in the comfort of my own bedroom, outside of these four walls, we live in a vast space of nothingness. I feel I have to cling to something.

Everything seems really vivid and in my face.

At the same time, I'm also getting a horrible feeling that I'm trapped within my skin, without the ability to perhaps step out for a while and take some time to wind down. This also turns my mind crazy. Sometimes it feels my head will explode with these crazy thoughts.

Last night I went out with a few good mates. Despite being in good company, having a good time etc, I couldn't help but look around at everybody, and they just seemed like prawns, or robots filling a space. I felt cut off and lonely. Even watching people on tv can make me feel weird.

So to summarise... Ive developed an irrational fear of being trapped inside my overly anxious body, but at the same time I've developed a fear of being overly exposed to everything outside the boundary of my own shell. WHAT?!

I guess I'm just looking for someone to kick me up the bum, maybe a few words of advice.

The doc gave me propranolol because I told him my brain felt cut off from my limbs and it was making me panic. I have become conscious of a lot of movements. Other than that, I take no medication. I dont want to be reliant on pills (although Ive read how they have changed peoples lives), I never used to be like this and I hope its just a passing phase, but I'm struggling to see a way out of this silly mind frame.

Im a healthy 23 year old male, with no history of mental illness (that Im aware of!!) This has been going on for a couple of months maybe now. I am due to move out soon and live with my girlfriend somewhere different, this means finding a new job also - big changes I know. I've thought this might be the reason I'm feeling so anxious. But then again Ive been through anxious times in the past (big deadlines at uni etc) and Ive never been like this before.

I know therapy is an option. Its something Ive never had before, nor has anyone I know, so I'm uncertain about it and what people would think of me?


Any ideas? :weep:

[cymraig_chris]

Post removed by author

[burnttoast84]

Charlie Brooker wrote a fascinating article on this sensation in the Guardian a while back... Well similar sort of thing. I think it's pretty normal to question life and the purpose of everything, and to be freaked out by what we can't understand.

http://www.guardian.co.uk/commentisfree/2008/may/05/healthandwellbeing

[martin1976]

Hi pdubya86, I used to have similar things and it quite a relief to know that someone else has had this. I used to get feelings about gravity and the shape of the earth like if I was driving north on the M6 I would be according to the globe be driving vertically and what if gravity became less powerful..lol Also I sometimes freak about not being able to take a break from my life without ageing just enough to take a breather, strange but hey ho.
I am on citalopram 20mg for last 8yrs and have just started proprananol 10mg last week, don't really know if their working or not. I have had several bouts of therapy throughout my life and they only worked for my benefit so I would recommend you take advantage of this mate it does really help to talk, and I wouldn't worry what anyone thinks whose to say whats normal??
I wouldn't worry pal
Good luck
Martin

[Typer]

Burnttoast84 What a really useful article. I must borrow it for another thread.

I would think pdubya might find that helpful.

[clairabella]

I get this too and it really freaks me out.....ive suffered the whole depersonalisation thing but this is a bit different......i just suddenly become super aware of myself and my surroundings... everything looks odd and i feel as if im watching everything from a distance... kind of like ive been removed from the moment and im watching it on replay its really difficult to describe...once it passes i get the impending doom feeling like a massive comet will come and hit the earth or it will just implode.....i get really frightened by this and many other irrational thoughts i have......they just come out of the blue for no apparent reason even when im relaxed.......i have been managing my anxiety quite well for a number of months now but im still plaged by this awful thought....feeling....sensation call it what you like.....all i want is for it to go away its dreadful.... im convinced im a crazy person or i will end up that way :mad:

[PanchoGoz]

Wow that is an interesting article. So "existential" is the word we're all looking for. I think these short realisations of reality (?) mentioned in the article are in fact anxiety attacks aren't they...I mean what else. There is no other word for it. You can't try to catagorize anxiety because it is such a mess. In the same way, you can't try to understand life as this is such a mess. Dwelling on things such as existence is as pointless as trying to sweep up every leaf on a forest floor. But yuou find yourself doing it and getting all wound up don't you...

pdubya, you sound like an intellegent bloke, therefore you are going to find your mind stretching to beyond the box. All we clever folk can do is tell ourselves that what we are living right now is all there is, and we are wasting our time thinking about anything else. You need to STOP THINKIIIIIIIIIIINNNNNNGGGGGG! If you start to think then find something else to do! Find an outlet! Anything!

And by the way, this, in my experience, is a phase that will sort itself out and you will feel better when you start to forget about things. And yes, this is anxiety.

[removed]

Hi Wilksdaman,


The sensations feelings are products of your creative intelligence.

I say the good news because anxiety is not harmful in any way, mentally, physically, spiritually etc.

Kind Regards,

CC

And as for the bad news, there is no bad news.

You are utterly sane. I promise you this.

I love this reply :)

I have suffered with depersonalisation on and off for years. My mind takes on a life of its own and creates a bizarre world where I can't make sense of myself. I am totally sane on one level yet I have a secret obsession which goes round and round-asking myself who I am, and what relevance I am to the world. When you lose your sense of self then you see things from a whole different perspective. It's like looking at a crowd. Instead of being an individual you look at yourself as being one of millions and in that regard worthless. I can't make sense of myself and why I would be so important.

I would consider myself quite intelligent-so I creat scenarios to frighten myself more and more.I like that sentence-I think I will engrave it on my heart!

Thanks-that has helped me a lot :D

janet c

[Pdubya86]

Nice to see this post is still going, I was just about to make a new post but might as well stick it in here! Its been up and down over the past few months. Ive moved out f my parents house to a different city with my girlfriend, started a new job...big changes! Still struggling though...

This is dragging on and on and on. I'm so tuned in to my body and my thoughts, I can't see it lifting, EVER?!

Even performing the simple movement of bringing a glass to my mouth now feels so strange, uncomfortable and alien.
I've tried ignoring it, but it doesn't help. It feels like the anxiety is right at the surface of my skin all the time and trying to break out.
The depersonalisation sucks so bad. Thinking way too much about what I am, my surroundings etc. It feels like ive literally become frightened of myself!

My body feels like a puppet, I feel 'outside' of myself. As soon as I wake up I'm now automatically tuning into my thoughts and feelings, and it seems to occupy my thoughts at least 80% of the time until I go to bed.

Just looking at other people, their movements etc, can freak me out.

Ive been referred to an 'anxiety and depression' group, though I cant see how talking will do much.
I'm thinking i might just have to bite the bullet and get some medication in me to try and clear my mind!

BOOOO!

PS, some good, encouraging advice in here from folk, i just wish my subconscious would accept it and work with it!

[Oddfish]

Hi Pdubya,

Sorry to hear you are still feeling so horrible, but that's anxiety for you. Sometimes your subconscious can be more anxious than your conscious lets on. Moving in with your girlfriend, moving to a new city and starting a new job can be very anxiety-inducing individually, so throw all three together and I think you have a good reason to be feeling the way you do! Hopefully once you feel a bit more settled things will start to clear, but it will probably take a bit of time. Uncertainty does it for me. I hate it when my mind goes off on one thinking "why am I here? why is anybody here? what does everything mean?" and I start to freak out. Give the anxiety group a try to see if you find it useful and make an appointment with your doctor and see what they suggest. Just remember that you will come out of it eventually :)

[micheal88]

ive been there and it did get better.. i got to the stage when my arms moved on there own lol i got through it an normal again... however 2 years on im going through a similar feeling anxiety is crap lol but it passes

[lecb]

Wow. I am feeling exactly the same. I keep convincing myself I am crazy.

I feel claustrophobic in my own body. I am trying to make sense of the world and me, and what life is.I can't and it panics me. I panic about being me.

I am afraid to go out and do things, because it's just me, and all the responsibility I carry and i'm afraid i'll make the wrong choices. No where I go I can escape myself. That terrifies me.

I've just started uni, a medical degree, i'm in a wheelchair (10 years illness) and i'm feeling pretty lonely. My Grandad died last year and since then it's made me think about life and death and what is consciousness. Doing a medical degree when you are in a lab with cadavers doesn't help either.

All of this along with self-loathing and OCD makes me want to escape my body, but I can't.. i'm stuck as me, and it frightens me to be alive.

I want to understand things i know I can't. Tomorrow i have a day full of lectures, but I don't know if i can face it. I can't sleep now and when i wake up in 5 hours time (if i can get to sleep) then i have a whole day of face of not just the anxieties of life, but of living detached from me and in me. No matter where I go i'm going to have to carry all these horrible thoughts, and i don't want them when i'm in the middle of a lecture and afraid i'll have a panic attack when everyone can see. I'm worried i'm so introverted i'm going to implode.

Please say i'm not alone, and not insane? I am so convinced I must be crazy.
Ellie

Ps. Please tell me it gets better. I can't go through much more.

[Nigel]

Hi Ellie,

Lots of people try to make sense of life and the world, and many make a lifelong career out of it. I watched a Horizon program earlier about ‘What is Reality?’ It’s hard to understand most of it but some people have some pretty bizarre theories – much bigger and weirder than anything you or I would think of. Parallel universes, and particles that can be in different places at the same time – but only if we don’t look at them, and that our 3D reality could actually be a 2D holographic projection from the edge of the universe. Crazy but fascinating ideas.

And the bottom line is, they don’t know either. At one point he even said as much – that they don’t understand the models and theories they’re coming up with.

One of the last comments was that it’s human nature to ask questions and want to understand things. So I don’t think you’re alone and I don’t think you’re going crazy. Try not to worry about it – it’s simply human nature, that’s all.

Take care :)
Nigel

[StarryBlueGal]

I had this recently and at the moment I don't think these things but I am relieved that I am not alone. I simply dismiss these thoughts, and it's not good to think about these deep thoughts, I have told this to my friends, they said they think the same too. So I think everybody will go through this in some point of their lives. I think my anxiety makes me think more deeper, and I panic easily. I had this last Christmas but now it is passing. I hope not it comes back.

I suggest that you keep yourself busy and don't think things like that as it will make you more ill. Don't watch programmes to do with our existence in life etc. I got scared when I see myself in the mirror and question, why am I here and why am I in this body, etc. I suppose it's natural to question human existance.

Good luck everybody.

Starry xx

[phil06]

This has been a worry for me recently

[fishman65]

I get episodes of this too Phil, though mine is usually when 'anxiety proper' as I call it, is fairly low. Anxiety has a tendency to make us introspective, I think DP/DR is a manifestation of that. What I try to do is think 'ok yesterday I felt so unreal, but did it stop me functioning?' The answer is usually no :)

[FrankT]

Sometimes I have that feeling. Like, how do I stay as one person? Why don't I suddenly become someone else at will? These sort of cerebral questions haunt me from time to time. I keep asking myself these questions, but I don't know the answers!