Crashedfairy
08-03-10, 03:50
Well, hi everyone.
Not sure where to start with a description of me and my life.
For a start i have got real problems sleeping at the moment. Hence the time now(02:46). I've got to get up for work at half 7!:weep:
Well i have had a colourful history of depression, anxiety, self-harm, panic attacks. Going back to my childhood. The 1st time i self-harmed i was 13. My first o.d was 19yrs old. Been on antidepressants ever since.
I used to feel lost in this world. When i had a 'bad day' it would just spiral into something awful. I would feel like this wasn't me. I'm not supposed to be like this. I would even say to my partner that i felt there was something in my head that didn't belong there.
The emotional pain was something so intense that i wouldn't know what to do with myself.
2004 i was admitted to hospital and registered under the mental health team.
2006 was nearly a repeat episode but i refused and my c.p.n at the time agreed that being at home was better for me.
...Well January 2009 i was so obsessed with my weight that i joined a slimming group where i started a v.l.c.d (very low calorie diet). It was fab. I lost 4 stone in 3 and a half months. My confidence went up, i felt good for the first time in a very long time.
Btw i'm absolutely not recommending it to anyone!
Twice during april 2009 i had what i was told was a migraine. I'd never had these before.
On the 27th of April 2009 i became VERY ill. The symptoms were bizarre. I went to my local A and E, waited 5 hrs in the waiting room after having been in triage with a very concerned looking doc, I was admitted. After 3 days and many tests i was given a M.R.I and C.T scan.
When the doc came round to my bed-side i was expecting him to tell me that they will be treating me for migraines.
Instead he told me he was very sorry to have to tell me that they had found a 'mass' in my brain!..How weird i thought later, because of how i used to feel. Like i had something in there that shouldn't be.******Please note that this was something unlikely to happen to most people. My headaches were quite unique and i also lost my peripheral vision.******
The sorrow i felt was horrendous.
I have a 7 yr old son!
They said they believed it to have been there since birth. This is due to the type. The biopsy showed that it was a 'cavernous hemeangioma'. I was transferred to Hurstwood Park neurological centre on the 1st of May 2009 and had it taken out via a craniotomy. They removed it as it was bleeding causing the symptoms i had, and fortunately it was benign. ! month later i was rushed back in as they thought i was having another bleed but it wasn't i was just under alot of stress.
Three months later my Dad who had been ill with numerous things including M.S was taken into hospital with yet another one of his many infections.
A week later he was taken to intensive care and put on a ventilator to help his body rest after struggling with pneumonia for the past 24 hrs. 3 days later i watched him die as they had to turn the machine off.
I tried to block all of this out for months. Trying to be strong like my lovely Mum and also a fighter like my Dad had always been.
Anyway 7 months after his death i'm loosing it again. I'm struggling with going to work, i find it hard to sit down and play with my son, i don't go out for days, i can't sleep and i've started self-harming again.:weep:
I am currently going to C.B.T and will be going to Cruse next week for bereavement counselling. My boss thinks i maybe suffering from P.T.S.
I feel disappointed because i was told that it was a fairly rare type and size and there was a possibility that my depression was because of my brain tumour. (It was in one of my ventricles which would've prevented cerebral fluid from circulating around my brain causing low moods.)
I'm having to take more meds which i hate. I take 40m.g of Citalopram a day, 160m.g a day of Propranolol for pain relief for my head, 50g a day of Sumatriptan (when needed) and paracetamol and codeine (when needed) again for post-op pain.
Well i hope i haven't upset anyone.:doh:
Once i started writing i couldn't stop.:)
Take care,
Lucy.x
Not sure where to start with a description of me and my life.
For a start i have got real problems sleeping at the moment. Hence the time now(02:46). I've got to get up for work at half 7!:weep:
Well i have had a colourful history of depression, anxiety, self-harm, panic attacks. Going back to my childhood. The 1st time i self-harmed i was 13. My first o.d was 19yrs old. Been on antidepressants ever since.
I used to feel lost in this world. When i had a 'bad day' it would just spiral into something awful. I would feel like this wasn't me. I'm not supposed to be like this. I would even say to my partner that i felt there was something in my head that didn't belong there.
The emotional pain was something so intense that i wouldn't know what to do with myself.
2004 i was admitted to hospital and registered under the mental health team.
2006 was nearly a repeat episode but i refused and my c.p.n at the time agreed that being at home was better for me.
...Well January 2009 i was so obsessed with my weight that i joined a slimming group where i started a v.l.c.d (very low calorie diet). It was fab. I lost 4 stone in 3 and a half months. My confidence went up, i felt good for the first time in a very long time.
Btw i'm absolutely not recommending it to anyone!
Twice during april 2009 i had what i was told was a migraine. I'd never had these before.
On the 27th of April 2009 i became VERY ill. The symptoms were bizarre. I went to my local A and E, waited 5 hrs in the waiting room after having been in triage with a very concerned looking doc, I was admitted. After 3 days and many tests i was given a M.R.I and C.T scan.
When the doc came round to my bed-side i was expecting him to tell me that they will be treating me for migraines.
Instead he told me he was very sorry to have to tell me that they had found a 'mass' in my brain!..How weird i thought later, because of how i used to feel. Like i had something in there that shouldn't be.******Please note that this was something unlikely to happen to most people. My headaches were quite unique and i also lost my peripheral vision.******
The sorrow i felt was horrendous.
I have a 7 yr old son!
They said they believed it to have been there since birth. This is due to the type. The biopsy showed that it was a 'cavernous hemeangioma'. I was transferred to Hurstwood Park neurological centre on the 1st of May 2009 and had it taken out via a craniotomy. They removed it as it was bleeding causing the symptoms i had, and fortunately it was benign. ! month later i was rushed back in as they thought i was having another bleed but it wasn't i was just under alot of stress.
Three months later my Dad who had been ill with numerous things including M.S was taken into hospital with yet another one of his many infections.
A week later he was taken to intensive care and put on a ventilator to help his body rest after struggling with pneumonia for the past 24 hrs. 3 days later i watched him die as they had to turn the machine off.
I tried to block all of this out for months. Trying to be strong like my lovely Mum and also a fighter like my Dad had always been.
Anyway 7 months after his death i'm loosing it again. I'm struggling with going to work, i find it hard to sit down and play with my son, i don't go out for days, i can't sleep and i've started self-harming again.:weep:
I am currently going to C.B.T and will be going to Cruse next week for bereavement counselling. My boss thinks i maybe suffering from P.T.S.
I feel disappointed because i was told that it was a fairly rare type and size and there was a possibility that my depression was because of my brain tumour. (It was in one of my ventricles which would've prevented cerebral fluid from circulating around my brain causing low moods.)
I'm having to take more meds which i hate. I take 40m.g of Citalopram a day, 160m.g a day of Propranolol for pain relief for my head, 50g a day of Sumatriptan (when needed) and paracetamol and codeine (when needed) again for post-op pain.
Well i hope i haven't upset anyone.:doh:
Once i started writing i couldn't stop.:)
Take care,
Lucy.x