View Full Version : Barriers of my own creation...
Under~The~Stars
16-03-10, 17:26
Hi all,
I am feeling really bad at the moment. Some may know why, and others may not. But that's not really the reason I'm posting here. But because this thing is going on for me it has got me thinking about some other stuff...
I find "living" really difficult. Almost unbearable. Just the whole process of it. Everything about it.
I seem to have serious issues with relationships, whether it be friendship or more... I feel that I have really high expectations that people can't meet, and I end up losing people out of my life... It is all through my own doing, though. I don't know why I'm like that, and I don't know what to do about it. But it really gets to me.
I've got to thinking about all this stuff, because over the last year or so, I've lost people out of my life, who I didn't want to lose. And I always thought it was their fault. But looking back on it, there's a pattern forming, and actually the problem isn't them, it's me... I push people away, and then get angry when they don't come back... I know you're probably reading this, thinking "what did I expect?". But this isn't as simple as that. I just don't know why I do this. And it turns out the same everytime.
And now that I've learned that I lose people easily, I've developed some really unhelpful coping strategies. That in turn just makes things worse.
When I lose people out of my life that I don't want to lose, I hit rock bottom. It really really affects me badly. I become suicidal, the works. But I actually think I've brought it on myself... I feel like I can't live without certain people.
I've just started going out with someone. It's early days. And at the time it felt right, but I'm beginning to think I was focussing so much on a relationship, and it was actually just being used as a distraction from other things I have going on in my life at the moment that I can't handle. But now that I'm in that relationship, I can't seem to cope with it. I'm not feeling how you'd normally feel at the start of a new relationship. I should want to go out and see him, but instead I just want to hide away... I think I got lost in a fantasy of having a relationship, and thought it could solve all my problems. Rather than getting to know him, and liking him, and starting a new relationship, because of him as a person... It's complicated. He's a lovely guy. And we get on well. And he's very caring and understanding. He's everything you could want in a boyfriend. It's me that's the problem...
I have a bad habit of shutting myself away from everyone when things get difficult. I hide away, and when I'm left alone with my thoughts, I start to plan things. Mainly how I'm going to end my life. I get obsessed with tidying my bedroom, so that nothing could be found if I disappeared and didn't come back. I end up feeling very alone, even though it's me who got myself there in the first place! But I get angry, and think nobody cares... My cpn made a good point in a recent session when she said that if I keep shutting people out of my life when things are bad, there would be no-one left at the end of the day, as I'd have pushed them all away! And I am noticing more and more the amount of people I am losing, or have lost, due to all this. It is a vicious circle, as I don't want to lose them. It is the one thing I don't want! But it is the one thing that keeps happening... Probably the one thing I need when I'm struggling is friends around me. But I just can't do it...
I've also noticed that I analyse things so much, and come up with my own idea of what is happening... If I don't hear from someone, or I don't get a text back, or whatever, I assume the worst... I assume they don't want to know me anymore. And once the thought is in my mind, I start to really believe it. And I get angry... Even though it may not be the case. I take everything personally!
Sometimes I find communicating with people so unbelievably difficult.
I know this next bit is going to seem really harsh, but I'm just trying to be as honest as I can. This whole things is turning me into a horrible person, because when I see people being happy, or living their life, it makes me angry. Not because I don't want them to be happy or live their life. But because it makes me think about my life and how bad it is :weep: That in itself makes me want to withdraw from people.
My life exists of... Getting up early afternoon. Don't bother getting dressed or anything, unless I have an appointment to go to. Sit and watch tv or something. Then either start drinking later on, or in this case take my strong painkillers, as I'm on antibiotics etc just now. I actually like the fact that I have an ear infection just now, as it gives me an excuse not to go out with anyone if I get asked. I find basic life tasks extremely difficult, but no-one, not even my cpn, or my doc, understand that. For a while, I thought maybe I was agoraphobic. But I think it's more than that... I think I've given my cpn the wrong impression of me. I don't want to see her anymore, as it's not helping.
I guess I just have to accept the fact I am useless with any sort of relationship, whether it be a friendship or more... I feel I annoy or upset people, and they'd be better off without me. I can't actually hold a friendship. I mean a friendship, where I would go out and see them. Or anything really. I struggle to text back, never mind go out! I have had a few invites recently, to meet up with old friends. But there are just so many things in my way... If I went out I couldn't explain what I've been doing since I last seen them. I have nothing to show for where I am in life. I have nothing to talk about, as I don't go out. I don't know how I'd get to the place we decide to go to, as I can't get on a bus. I don't know how I'd get home. I wouldn't be comfortable going somewhere I've never been before. I'm bad for saying yes, but very rarely do I ever go through with it... In fact, probably change that to never! Even the times I've seen my new boyfriend... It's been to the same places we've been to. I don't like going to "new" places. I don't like change... I've only seen him twice in the last few months. The first time was when we got back in touch and went out for dinner. The second time, we went to the same restaurant, and decided to start a relationship :blush: All of my communicating with everyone is done via text or the internet. I can't even answer my phone for a phonecall! So I have all that standing in my way, that stops me from having proper friendships etc with people. And what is the common denominator of it all... ME! :lac:How can I get passed that? When it's myself I'm fighting against... I'll just do what I tell me to do! :roflmao: I don't know why I'm laughing, it's not funny! :shrug: And I mean, that's only the start of my issues... I'm not going to bore you with the rest! I'm not going to tell you about this fear I have about people coming to my house, or anything... :whistles: You'd think I'd be comfortable inviting people to my house, as that way at least I'm seeing them, even if I can't go out... They can come in! But no! Can't even do that... Apart from my ex fiance. He's the only person I allow into my house. How ironic!
Anyway, I just wondered what your views on that are? Or if anyone is in a similar situation? I don't even know what's wrong with me... I've been told I might have this, and I might have that... BPD, OCD, anxiety, depression... I think I have it all!
I just don't know how much longer I can live like this... I'm going to end up a very lonely person, as I'll have pushed everyone away, and that's the last thing I want! In fact, the one thing I want is for them not to walk away... :wacko:
Sorry for the long thread... Sometimes, it is therapeutic just to get it all out.
x
Hi Under the stars...
I just had to say you sounded like me I don't have answers I'm afraid... it is all very easy to say what we should do, but sadly when there it is the most difficult thing to do and any rejection builds more cynical thoughts to support my negative feelings ...
Big hug and please if you do ever find that answer, I beg that you share it with me because I'm in my forties now and I don't know how to put a stop to it...
x
ElizabethJane
16-03-10, 18:48
I don't think that I have much to add in terms of therapy. In order to be well you will have to see a point in getting up and getting on with your life. That means being honest to the people who love and care for you. It will mean admitting to your GP that you are chronically depressed and are addicted to prescription drugs. It will probably mean going into to hospital or rehab to kick the drug habit. I'm sorry if it sounds a bit brutal. I have reached this point in my life where I couldn't go down any further. I wasn't addicted to prescription drugs but was suffering from chronic depression. It takes some tough love but there are people out there who you will be able to confide it but it takes a very big step to do that. I wish you well.
Under~The~Stars
16-03-10, 20:22
Thanks, guys :hugs:
Sharon, I know you from the daily diary thread, and you too, ElizabethJane :)
Sharon, I always read your stuff, and could really relate. We seem to be really similar. I am sorry that you struggle with this stuff too :hugs: Don't worry if I ever find the answer, I'll let you know! Right back at you, sweet :hugs:
ElizabethJane, thank you for replying. I appreciate it :hugs: I think you made a really valid point when you said that I need to have a reason to get up and live for... I don't have that. I have the opposite... I have reasons I don't want to get up and live for!
Thanks for your input, guys :hugs:
xxx
Hi Under~The~Stars. I fortunately am well at the moment. Over xmas I had the worst depression I have ever had. There are many comments you made that I could apply to myself during those times. Even though I am well now, I was saying to a friend today I still don't want to be around lots of people, I am happy with a few friends and contact on MY terms. I don't know if I will get back to where I was but I am satisfied with how I am for now, hopefully with patience the rest will follow! Your words really touched me. You are very eloquent in your expression and I see completely how you are feeling. Do you tell the people you care about these things? :shrug: Can you? Its strange how we can right such personal feelings down for strangers to read but when it come to people we know...no way! I feel you want to be better but you have such massive regret and are absorbed in blaming yourself rather than focusing on small steps to get better. It is such a burden to you matey.Do you accept that this is the way you are because you have depression, an illness, an illness which is not your fault! It manifests itself in the strangest of ways, we all know that and anybody that is true and loving will forgive you, they really will! But they need to know how you feel! As my husband said to me..."I'm not a mind reader Lynne and I haven't got a clue how your mind works when you are depressed...its a mystery to me...you need to tell me". I guess like me you have to ask yourself. What do you want. Where do you want to be 12 months from now. Don't let this illness control you any longer, please don't. You need to do something to start the ball rolling and stop missing out on all the fun and happiness in the world. Why shouldn't you have some of it? Changes don't have to be massive but something achievable right now. Maybe the first is to go see the doc. It wouldn't hurt to print of this last post of yours because it really does say it all and thats so important to your recovery. I truly wish you well because I feel your pain and I hate to think of you suffering like this. I really mean it. Will you be kind to yourself as of now? Lynne xx
I think you made a really valid point when you said that I need to have a reason to get up and live for... I don't have that. I have the opposite... I have reasons I don't want to get up and live for!
I'm not sure this is 100% true. You haven't given up totally, you're still here.
Everything feels so overwhelming at the moment because you are very depressed. I can tell that you do want things to change, you need to start to face that depression or things won't change.
These sort of relationship problems do fit into BPD, but they also fit other problems too. I also know people who feel like this who are considered 'well'. The best help is from therapy. In BPD aimed therapy, relationships usually make up a big part of the course.
I tend to agree with EJ, it's not going to be pleasant or enjoyable. But until you reach a point where you want to fight to change things, things in your life will keep getting worse. There are people who want to help you do that.
Jim:hugs:
yvonne_uk_98
16-03-10, 23:19
Hi Under_the_stars,
Sorry you feel this way, I was there, I'm not saying I have wore the teashire, I was once in this horrible place, I didnt know how to get out of it. it was so horrible, I had to go into hospital, cause I could not cope with me being like this. through being in the hospital and having time to think and losing friends at the same time. Finding out who my true friends where. it took me ages to start to climb out of the darkest pit. what helped me was Father God. I had to invited him back into my life, climbing out of the pit was not easy. it's hard work. well worth it. I will keep you in my prayers, I hope that you find in some way to climb out of this horrible place you are in.
lots of hugs to ya...:hugs: :hugs: :hugs: :hugs:
love
Yvonne
I was very sad reading this, Stars.
You have all the answers in your post. You're intelligent enough to know all the things that need to change in your life and I don't think you need any of us to tell you. What you need though is the strength, courage and determination to follow it through.
You've had a very difficult time recently due to circumstances out of your control, and you've coped very well considering, but once things return to normal - and things WILL get better - you must avoid falling back into the same negative and destructive patterns.
Nobody says it's easy. It's very tough and you know I've been there too. We're all here for you and you have our full support and love.
Take care of yourself X
Under~The~Stars
19-03-10, 13:53
Hi all,
Hey smudger :hugs:
Thanks for your reply.
I am glad that you are feeling ok :hugs: I hope it continues :) It is really good that you are "comfortable" with where you are at the moment :flowers:
Do you tell the people you care about these things? :shrug: Can you? Its strange how we can right such personal feelings down for strangers to read but when it come to people we know...no way!
My mum knows how I feel. Or at least, mostly... There are still things I don't tell her, though. She's the closest person to me. For a long time I kept it all to myself. And a part of me wishes I had carried on doing this, as I have caused my mum a massive amount of stress due to it all. I can't talk about it with people, except here, and in appointments...
Do you accept that this is the way you are because you have depression, an illness, an illness which is not your fault! It manifests itself in the strangest of ways, we all know that and anybody that is true and loving will forgive you, they really will! But they need to know how you feel!
That's an interesting point... I don't think I have accepted that this is the way I am because of issues I have. I have very high expectations of myself, that I just can't meet...
I guess I've got myself into a situation that's really hard, as there is now no-one to explain to... It's too late now. The people I've lost, are gone. And there's no way I can get them back into my life.
I guess like me you have to ask yourself. What do you want. Where do you want to be 12 months from now. Don't let this illness control you any longer, please don't. You need to do something to start the ball rolling and stop missing out on all the fun and happiness in the world. Why shouldn't you have some of it?
It's a good question. And I want to say what I think everyone will want to hear, but I just don't think I can. I do feel stuck with these thoughts, and just can't see a way out, or a future... 12 months down the line feels impossible right now. I do appreciate you asking, though. It is what I'd say to someone too.
Maybe the first is to go see the doc. It wouldn't hurt to print of this last post of yours because it really does say it all and thats so important to your recovery. I truly wish you well because I feel your pain and I hate to think of you suffering like this. I really mean it.
This is exactly what I did, smudger. I'll explain how it went in a bit.
Thank you for being so kind :hugs:
Hey Jim :hugs:
You haven't given up totally, you're still here.
That is very true. This was also pointed out to me at my cpn appointment. But I feel just because I haven't gone through with ending anything, doesn't mean I am happy or want to be here. I'm just scared of that, I think.
Everything feels so overwhelming at the moment because you are very depressed. I can tell that you do want things to change, you need to start to face that depression or things won't change.
This is a very good point too. The problem is I'm not sure that I do want to change. I'll explain more in a bit.
These sort of relationship problems do fit into BPD, but they also fit other problems too. I also know people who feel like this who are considered 'well'. The best help is from therapy. In BPD aimed therapy, relationships usually make up a big part of the course.
My cpn told me yesterday that I do have BPD, and that she wants to do the CAT therapy, as she feels it'll be the most beneficial for me, with the issues I have... But I'll explain more in a bit.
I tend to agree with EJ, it's not going to be pleasant or enjoyable. But until you reach a point where you want to fight to change things, things in your life will keep getting worse. There are people who want to help you do that.
You're right, sweetheart. Everything you say is right. I am just sorry that I can't say the answer that you want... I feel bad for that. I don't want to upset you in any way.
Thanks for replying, darling :hugs:
Hey Yvonne :hugs:
Sorry you feel this way, I was there, I'm not saying I have wore the teashire, I was once in this horrible place, I didnt know how to get out of it. it was so horrible, I had to go into hospital, cause I could not cope with me being like this. through being in the hospital and having time to think and losing friends at the same time. Finding out who my true friends where. it took me ages to start to climb out of the darkest pit. what helped me was Father God. I had to invited him back into my life, climbing out of the pit was not easy. it's hard work. well worth it. I will keep you in my prayers, I hope that you find in some way to climb out of this horrible place you are in.
I am glad you got to the "comfortable" place, sweetheart. I really am. I know it won't have been easy. But I'm really glad you made it happen... :hugs:
Thank you, you're a very kind person :hugs:
Hey Melancholia :hugs:
You have all the answers in your post. You're intelligent enough to know all the things that need to change in your life and I don't think you need any of us to tell you. What you need though is the strength, courage and determination to follow it through.
At one point, I would have agreed with you, sweetheart. As I do believe people know deep down what needs to change. Even with the help of therapy. Sometimes we just need help in getting the right direction. But I'm just not sure this is the case with me. I really don't know what the way forward is for me. I really don't. I have tried. Before we knew each other, there was a time in my life when I thought I was really getting there. But there's just something underneath that stops me from getting better... And I don't know what to do about that.
You've had a very difficult time recently due to circumstances out of your control, and you've coped very well considering, but once things return to normal - and things WILL get better - you must avoid falling back into the same negative and destructive patterns.
My life at the moment is very difficult, as I am very worried about my mum. But I think I'd challenge what you say, as I feel even before this happened with my mum I wasn't coping. This with my mum was just something else on top of everything else.
Nobody says it's easy. It's very tough and you know I've been there too. We're all here for you and you have our full support and love.
Thank you, sweetheart. I appreciate all your help, advice, and support :hugs:
I wanted to reply to everyone. So I'll do a separate post about what's been happening the last couple of days... :hugs:
Thanks, guys :bighug1:
xxx
Under~The~Stars
19-03-10, 14:34
Doctor's Appointment:
I had my usual doctor's appointment on Wednesday. And I decided to do exactly what a couple of people mentioned to me. I printed off what I had written here, as I feel it really explained me "spot on".
To be honest, though, I didn't really take in much of what was said. She did say however, that she feels I have a lot of issues... I told her I wasn't sure what was wrong, and I seemed to fit a lot of things. But I just wanted a proper diagnosis. She just said that I do fit a lot of things :shrug: My doc is a very soothing person. She does everything in her power to make me feel better, and I do appreciate all the help she's given me over the years. Sometimes I get a bit carried away, and act on impulse, and if I'm annoyed I'll tell her I don't want to see her again. But she knows me well enough to know that I need to see her, and she'll always put in an appointment anyway. Even the time I walked out! :blush:
She wasn't very happy that another doc had prescribed me more co-codamol. It was quite funny, as I was telling her I needed more ear drops etc, and then I slipped in at the end... And co-codamol :noangel: She had a look at my notes, and said "Oh bugger, he gave you more co-codamol!" :roflmao: She said I do have a problem with them, and with drink.
We also laughed about my ear drops... I had basically decided to use my ear drops for a month. There was a method behind my madness! I was going to use them for 2 weeks to get rid of the infection, then another 2 weeks to ensure it doesn't come back... When I said I was going to use it for a month, she asked who had asked me to do that and I said "me!". She actually fell back in her seat laughing! :roflmao: She said, "who's the doctor?" :shades: So I've only to use them for 2 weeks... :whistles:
Anyway, I think she just basically said I was to work with my cpn...
CPN Appointment:
I saw my CPN yesterday. My mum came with me, as my mum wanted to explain some things to her about me and how I am. My mum doesn't see any progress. It was really intimidating I felt, and I kept getting really anxious (even though I had taken co-codamol before the appointment to try and calm me down a bit). I kept asking my mum what was wrong, as she was looking at me. I kept telling them both to stop looking at me. I hate that!
Anyway, I felt my mum was giving my CPN a row due to there not being any progress. Then my CPN giving me a row for not telling my mum fully what was going on :wacko: And me just sitting back getting all anxious asking them to stop looking at me! :mad:
It was quite funny, as my mum said to my CPN that I wasn't happy about doing the CAT therapy. My mum said that all she knew about the CAT therapy was what I had told her, and that was that I'd work with my CPN for 4 months, and it would work on the abandonment issues I have, and then at the end of it I'm abandoned! LOL! My CPN laughed, and said "Well that's not exactly how it works..." :roflmao:
I have been given different options that I was to go away and have a think about. One option was to do with the fact that I can't go to the classes at the resource centre type thing... So they offer a "support from home" type thing :shrug: And they will try and get me going and using the services at the centre... They work on things like anxiety management, and confidence building.
Another option was going to physio, and doing some gym classes, along with other people who are struggling. This was offered before, but I just haven't managed to go.
Another option was to work with a support worker from Occupational Therapy, and do some work on bus desensitisation, or something :shrug: Basically someone will help me get on a bus, as I just can't do it... Not without having a full blown panic attack, anyway...
Another option was to go and stay in a residential rehab place... Basically I would go and stay there for a year, and they would help with basic living tasks... How to take care of myself... To work on my independence.
Therapy wise... She wants to do CAT therapy. I'm really really not happy about this. It'll be virtually impossible for me to go through with it. I have to let her know by next week what I want to do. I already know the answer... I can't do it.
She mentioned that I do have BPD, and depression, and that it's not going to go away overnight. It's going to be hard work.
I asked for a compromise with the CAT therapy. I'd maybe do it, if I was allowed medication that would numb out the feelings. But she's not keen.
I think I am going to have to walk away now. She said if I'm not ready for the CAT therapy now, I never will be... Too right! I NEVER want to do it... I can see why she's suggesting it, but I just can't do it...
So, in all honesty, I still don't see a way forward... And I think I'm done looking for the moment.
Sorry again to be so neg...
xxx
I am feeling really bad at the moment. Some may know why, and others may not. But that's not really the reason I'm posting here. But because this thing is going on for me it has got me thinking about some other stuff...
I find "living" really difficult. Almost unbearable. Just the whole process of it. Everything about it.
Hun, this I understand. It has often been said to me by professionals that I don't want to die, I just find living difficult. It is important to hold on to this difference when you feel bad. Remind yourself that what you want is life to be better and it CAN be better.
I seem to have serious issues with relationships, whether it be friendship or more... I feel that I have really high expectations that people can't meet, and I end up losing people out of my life... It is all through my own doing, though. I don't know why I'm like that, and I don't know what to do about it. But it really gets to me. I don't know the answers hun but I do know yougive yourself anawfully tough time.
I've got to thinking about all this stuff, because over the last year or so, I've lost people out of my life, who I didn't want to lose. And I always thought it was their fault. But looking back on it, there's a pattern forming, and actually the problem isn't them, it's me... I push people away, and then get angry when they don't come back... I know you're probably reading this, thinking "what did I expect?". But this isn't as simple as that. I just don't know why I do this. And it turns out the same everytime. It isn't always completely down to you hun. It takes two to tango....
And now that I've learned that I lose people easily, I've developed some really unhelpful coping strategies. That in turn just makes things worse.
When I lose people out of my life that I don't want to lose, I hit rock bottom. It really really affects me badly. I become suicidal, the works. But I actually think I've brought it on myself... I feel like I can't live without certain people.
Well hun, you know I feel similar about certain people although probably not as acutely as you. I don't know if the answer is to expand your circle of significant people so that the loss of one does not seem as hurtful.:shrug:
I've just started going out with someone. It's early days. And at the time it felt right, but I'm beginning to think I was focussing so much on a relationship, and it was actually just being used as a distraction from other things I have going on in my life at the moment that I can't handle. But now that I'm in that relationship, I can't seem to cope with it. I'm not feeling how you'd normally feel at the start of a new relationship. I should want to go out and see him, but instead I just want to hide away... I think I got lost in a fantasy of having a relationship, and thought it could solve all my problems. Rather than getting to know him, and liking him, and starting a new relationship, because of him as a person... It's complicated. He's a lovely guy. And we get on well. And he's very caring and understanding. He's everything you could want in a boyfriend. It's me that's the problem... I hope this works out for you as you so deserve some happiness.
I have a bad habit of shutting myself away from everyone when things get difficult. I hide away, and when I'm left alone with my thoughts, I start to plan things. Mainly how I'm going to end my life. I get obsessed with tidying my bedroom, so that nothing could be found if I disappeared and didn't come back. I end up feeling very alone, even though it's me who got myself there in the first place! But I get angry, and think nobody cares... My cpn made a good point in a recent session when she said that if I keep shutting people out of my life when things are bad, there would be no-one left at the end of the day, as I'd have pushed them all away! And I am noticing more and more the amount of people I am losing, or have lost, due to all this. It is a vicious circle, as I don't want to lose them. It is the one thing I don't want! But it is the one thing that keeps happening... Probably the one thing I need when I'm struggling is friends around me. But I just can't do it...It is a toughy hun but if you have recognised this, maybe you could work towards trying not to get into the same situation....
I've also noticed that I analyse things so much, and come up with my own idea of what is happening... If I don't hear from someone, or I don't get a text back, or whatever, I assume the worst... I assume they don't want to know me anymore. And once the thought is in my mind, I start to really believe it. And I get angry... Even though it may not be the case. I take everything personally!You do analyse things a lot! I do too. What I tend to do is turn everything inwards and think things are my fault.
Sometimes I find communicating with people so unbelievably difficult.This is a problem of depression hun. When I am low I think that no one will want to hear from me, they will think I am depressing, that I am a drama queen or many other negative stuff. That is why I block certain people on Facebook with some of my status cos I think they will think badly of me.
I know this next bit is going to seem really harsh, but I'm just trying to be as honest as I can. This whole things is turning me into a horrible person, because when I see people being happy, or living their life, it makes me angry. Not because I don't want them to be happy or live their life. But because it makes me think about my life and how bad it is :weep: That in itself makes me want to withdraw from people.That doesn't make you a horrible person hun:hugs:it makes you an unhappy one at present.
My life exists of... Getting up early afternoon. Don't bother getting dressed or anything, unless I have an appointment to go to. Sit and watch tv or something. Then either start drinking later on, or in this case take my strong painkillers, as I'm on antibiotics etc just now. I actually like the fact that I have an ear infection just now, as it gives me an excuse not to go out with anyone if I get asked. I find basic life tasks extremely difficult, but no-one, not even my cpn, or my doc, understand that. For a while, I thought maybe I was agoraphobic. But I think it's more than that... I think I've given my cpn the wrong impression of me. I don't want to see her anymore, as it's not helping.Well......you know the painkillers are not the answer hun......
I guess I just have to accept the fact I am useless with any sort of relationship, whether it be a friendship or more... I feel I annoy or upset people, and they'd be better off without me. I can't actually hold a friendship. I mean a friendship, where I would go out and see them. Or anything really. I struggle to text back, never mind go out! I have had a few invites recently, to meet up with old friends. But there are just so many things in my way... If I went out I couldn't explain what I've been doing since I last seen them. I have nothing to show for where I am in life. I have nothing to talk about, as I don't go out. I don't know how I'd get to the place we decide to go to, as I can't get on a bus. I don't know how I'd get home. I wouldn't be comfortable going somewhere I've never been before. I'm bad for saying yes, but very rarely do I ever go through with it... In fact, probably change that to never! Even the times I've seen my new boyfriend... It's been to the same places we've been to. I don't like going to "new" places. I don't like change... I've only seen him twice in the last few months. The first time was when we got back in touch and went out for dinner. The second time, we went to the same restaurant, and decided to start a relationship :blush: All of my communicating with everyone is done via text or the internet. I can't even answer my phone for a phonecall! So I have all that standing in my way, that stops me from having proper friendships etc with people. And what is the common denominator of it all... ME! :lac:How can I get passed that? When it's myself I'm fighting against... I'll just do what I tell me to do! :roflmao: I don't know why I'm laughing, it's not funny! :shrug: And I mean, that's only the start of my issues... I'm not going to bore you with the rest! I'm not going to tell you about this fear I have about people coming to my house, or anything... :whistles: You'd think I'd be comfortable inviting people to my house, as that way at least I'm seeing them, even if I can't go out... They can come in! But no! Can't even do that... Apart from my ex fiance. He's the only person I allow into my house. How ironic!You know what you have in your favour hun? You have insight. Many people can't see where the difficulties lie, but you do. Knowing them is half way to solving them.
I just don't know how much longer I can live like this... I'm going to end up a very lonely person, as I'll have pushed everyone away, and that's the last thing I want! In fact, the one thing I want is for them not to walk away... :wacko:Well.....I am not walking away:bighug1:
Sorry for the long thread... Sometimes, it is therapeutic just to get it all out.if it helps you to write it all down then you go for it hun.
Happyone
xxx
Hi hun,
I had my usual doctor's appointment on Wednesday. And I decided to do exactly what a couple of people mentioned to me. I printed off what I had written here, as I feel it really explained me "spot on".
To be honest, though, I didn't really take in much of what was said. She did say however, that she feels I have a lot of issues... I told her I wasn't sure what was wrong, and I seemed to fit a lot of things. But I just wanted a proper diagnosis. She just said that I do fit a lot of things :shrug: My doc is a very soothing person. She does everything in her power to make me feel better, and I do appreciate all the help she's given me over the years. Sometimes I get a bit carried away, and act on impulse, and if I'm annoyed I'll tell her I don't want to see her again. But she knows me well enough to know that I need to see her, and she'll always put in an appointment anyway. Even the time I walked out! :blush:
You have a fab doc hunny, I wish mine was as nice:)
She wasn't very happy that another doc had prescribed me more co-codamol. It was quite funny, as I was telling her I needed more ear drops etc, and then I slipped in at the end... And co-codamol :noangel: She had a look at my notes, and said "Oh bugger, he gave you more co-codamol!" :roflmao: She said I do have a problem with them, and with drink. Hunny, I do wish you could get out of your problem with drink and prescription meds. You are so young and it worries me you getting addicted to these. Alcohol f****s up your body and codeine you will end up wanting more and more of it. You know this though.
We also laughed about my ear drops... I had basically decided to use my ear drops for a month. There was a method behind my madness! I was going to use them for 2 weeks to get rid of the infection, then another 2 weeks to ensure it doesn't come back... When I said I was going to use it for a month, she asked who had asked me to do that and I said "me!". She actually fell back in her seat laughing! :roflmao: She said, "who's the doctor?" :shades: So I've only to use them for 2 weeks... :whistles:Mmmmm Dr Star.......has a ring to it!
I saw my CPN yesterday. My mum came with me, as my mum wanted to explain some things to her about me and how I am. My mum doesn't see any progress. It was really intimidating I felt, and I kept getting really anxious (even though I had taken co-codamol before the appointment to try and calm me down a bit). I kept asking my mum what was wrong, as she was looking at me. I kept telling them both to stop looking at me. I hate that! It is difficult being the focus of attention isn't it? I always end up staring at the floor.
Anyway, I felt my mum was giving my CPN a row due to there not being any progress. Then my CPN giving me a row for not telling my mum fully what was going on :wacko: And me just sitting back getting all anxious asking them to stop looking at me! :mad: Sounds awkward!
It was quite funny, as my mum said to my CPN that I wasn't happy about doing the CAT therapy. My mum said that all she knew about the CAT therapy was what I had told her, and that was that I'd work with my CPN for 4 months, and it would work on the abandonment issues I have, and then at the end of it I'm abandoned! LOL! My CPN laughed, and said "Well that's not exactly how it works..." :roflmao:But did she tell you exactly how it DOES work?
I have been given different options that I was to go away and have a think about. One option was to do with the fact that I can't go to the classes at the resource centre type thing... So they offer a "support from home" type thing :shrug: And they will try and get me going and using the services at the centre... They work on things like anxiety management, and confidence building.That's a not bad idea.
Another option was going to physio, and doing some gym classes, along with other people who are struggling. This was offered before, but I just haven't managed to go.
and another one!
Another option was to work with a support worker from Occupational Therapy, and do some work on bus desensitisation, or something :shrug: Basically someone will help me get on a bus, as I just can't do it... Not without having a full blown panic attack, anyway... Third good idea!
Another option was to go and stay in a residential rehab place... Basically I would go and stay there for a year, and they would help with basic living tasks... How to take care of myself... To work on my independence.How do you feel about that?
Therapy wise... She wants to do CAT therapy. I'm really really not happy about this. It'll be virtually impossible for me to go through with it. I have to let her know by next week what I want to do. I already know the answer... I can't do it.Is the only reason putting you off that you may not see your CPN at the end of it?
She mentioned that I do have BPD, and depression, and that it's not going to go away overnight. It's going to be hard work. Can she diagnose? Does it not need to be a shrink that diagnoses? Or is she taking instructions from a shrink?
I asked for a compromise with the CAT therapy. I'd maybe do it, if I was allowed medication that would numb out the feelings. But she's not keen.I think the point of therapy is that you need to feel the feeling in order to work through them hun. On saying that, I was offered it a while back and I refused.
I think I am going to have to walk away now. She said if I'm not ready for the CAT therapy now, I never will be... Too right! I NEVER want to do it... I can see why she's suggesting it, but I just can't do it...Difficult one hun.
So, in all honesty, I still don't see a way forward... And I think I'm done looking for the moment.Sometimes it does all get a bit too much eh?
Sorry again to be so neg...DON'T be!!!!!!! If it helps to get it out, then get it out!
Happyone
xxx
Hey Stars,
I wondered why you aren't keen on the therapy?
I wasn't keen when I started mine, but I didn't want to carry on feeling the way I did. I think it would be worth giving it a try, even if it doesn't seem like it would help at the moment. When I did DBT, although it was hard at times, I did get more benefit from it than I realised.
I've read a bit about the CAT as I didn't know what it was, it sounds like it might be better suited to you than the some of the other therapys.
Jim:hugs:
yvonne_uk_98
20-03-10, 18:11
Hi Stars,
Sorry to hear that you feel that this CAT is not the way forward, why dont you give it a try, there is no harm in trying, maybe a month, and if you still feel it's not for you. then at least you tryed.
You can move forward, takes time though. I'm glad you went to see your gp, cpn.
I hope you feel better soon. :hugs:
Yvonne
Under~The~Stars
23-03-10, 17:46
Hey guys,
Hey happyone :hugs:
Well hun, you know I feel similar about certain people although probably not as acutely as you. I don't know if the answer is to expand your circle of significant people so that the loss of one does not seem as hurtful.:shrug:
I seem to have got myself into a situation now, where I am very wary about letting anyone new into my life... And I feel the people who are there already are sick of me... :weep:
This is a problem of depression hun. When I am low I think that no one will want to hear from me, they will think I am depressing, that I am a drama queen or many other negative stuff.
Well, I will always want to hear from you :hugs:
Hunny, I do wish you could get out of your problem with drink and prescription meds. You are so young and it worries me you getting addicted to these. Alcohol f****s up your body and codeine you will end up wanting more and more of it. You know this though.
It is strange... I don't think I am addicted... But then again, I don't feel like I can live without them... I need them... Really need them... But I don't know if I'd be classed as being addicted. I think I have a problem with them. None of that makes sense, does it?
It is difficult being the focus of attention isn't it? I always end up staring at the floor.
It is horrible... I stare at the floor too. Or out the window. Used to get told off for looking out the window by my ex counsellor. He ended up shutting the blinds, so I couldn't look out! :mad:
But did she tell you exactly how it DOES work?
I think she probably did... But I can't remember... :wacko: The only words I picked up was "4 months", and "discharged!"
How do you feel about that?
With regards to the rehab place... I don't really know. I just feel a bit like lots of ideas are getting thrown at me, but I just don't feel able to do any of it.
Is the only reason putting you off that you may not see your CPN at the end of it?
There is no "may not", hunny. It is a definite. That is part of the treatment... Her walking away at the end of it, is basically putting into practice the work we've been doing... It scares the hell out of me! I'd be discharged after 4 months, or less, depending on how many sessions it is. It is a fixed number of sessions. Regardless of whether I feel better or not...
I'm not up to it. It causes a great deal of stress for me, losing people that I don't want to lose. So I'd rather ignore it... I'd rather walk away now, as ironic as that may sound... (This very idea is what the CAT therapy would be working on! AAAARRRRGGGGHHHH! :mad:)
Can she diagnose? Does it not need to be a shrink that diagnoses? Or is she taking instructions from a shrink?
She can't diagnose. It has to be a psych. But I think she has discussed me with him... She doesn't really want to "diagnose" me with anything I don't think.
I think the point of therapy is that you need to feel the feeling in order to work through them hun. On saying that, I was offered it a while back and I refused.
I don't want to feel the feelings, hun. And she knows that. I spend most of my life trying to avoid feeling anything, and I don't intend on starting to feel them now. I'm really not up to it. Really really.
Hey Jim :hugs:
I wondered why you aren't keen on the therapy?
So many reasons, hunny. It is a therapy, that in theory should work well for me. But I know me, and I know what I'm like! I'll give up, before it's even started, and then it's just a waste. The thing is, it's very confusing, coz if I don't do it, then I don't think I'll be able to see my cpn anyway, as she doesn't know the way forward... Best thing I can do for myself, is to walk away now, I think. Just can't deal with it.
Hey Yvonne :hugs:
Sorry to hear that you feel that this CAT is not the way forward, why dont you give it a try, there is no harm in trying, maybe a month, and if you still feel it's not for you. then at least you tryed.
Giving it a try is an option. But the thing about it is if I start it, there is no going back... I either have to finish it, or quit. And either way, I'll be discharged from the service. I just want to quit now :weep: I seem to be putting it off, instead of facing it. So it's probably best I just walk away... And save myself from a lot of pain...
xxx
And I feel the people who are there already are sick of me... :weep:
Maybe you should test me more often:winks: because you'll find I'll only go quiet when others go quiet because I'll presume they're happy and no longer need me around.:winks:
How could Anyone grow sick of a princess like you sweetie?:):lac::hugs:
Hi Stars,:hugs:
I still think the most helpful option would be the CAT. The MHT will not 'abandon' you, neither discharge you if you still need their help afterwards.
Therapy does definitely need to have a goals and an end point. It can't carry on forever, especially with CAT, and DBT too.
The MHT will not discharge a person who is still ill and needs help, that would be asking for a law suite! You may still need help putting what you've learned into practice afterwards. Would it be possible to do the therapy with another person and keep your CPN as first contact with the MHT if you get on well?
At the moment though it seems you are having problems engaging with the help they're offering and I'm asking you to think about what you do need from them?
For me, having extra support at home to access the day services and work on my anxiety exposure helps me a lot, I've come a massive long way with that. I wasn't keen on going down the route of residential care. Just cause I think living alone is more 'me', I wouldn't feel at all comfortable in that setting. For you it might be a good option, it's really up to what you feel is going to be most helpful.
They are asking to help in the ways that they can but you need to take that first step over the edge of your comfort zone. There's no choice, you have to if you want things to change. And I know that you want things to change.
You're going to find it hard, it always is. 'Nobody said it was easy'.
Jim:hugs:
Powered by vBulletin® Version 4.2.5 Copyright © 2024 vBulletin Solutions Inc. All rights reserved.