Will this HA ever go away?

[blondie47]

I am just so beside myself. I had 6 really good months where I had not a care in the world, but it looks like my HA has come back with a vengence.

Somehow I have convinced myself I have pancreatic cancer. I went to the doctor's with a bad pain in my back, no other symptoms, just a bad pain over the kidney area. He sent me for a CT scan and it showed I have kidney stones. No biggie, I've had those before and since they aren't life threatening they really don't bother me all that much (other than they hurt). Well the pain was not going away, so my GP referred me to a kidney specialist. That doctor told me the size of my stones were very small and would not cause the kind of pain I was having. He suggested I see a doctor who specializes in diseases of the stomach. Since I already have acid reflux, I have a doctor that I see semi-regularly for stomach issues so I went to see him. I just saw him last June and had a endoscopy (where they put this thing down your throat to look at your esophogus and stomach), as well as a colonoscopy. Other than a small hiatal hernia, the doctor said I was fine and gave me a clean bill of health.

So back I go to him. He says to me that he really does think its the kidney, since I am showing him where the pain is and it is directly over the left kidney. However, he says it could be my pancreas, that is the only other organ near where I am pointing that would cause pain in the back. At that point I froze with fear. I asked him whether or not it could be pancreatic cancer. He looked at me like I had lost my mind and asked me why my mind would go there. I am so sick of being crazy, I really can't blame the poor man for asking that. He told me if I had PC I would be very sick with stomach pains and have lost weight. Since I'm at least 30/40 pounds overweight and holding steady, that definately is not the case. Had no stomach pains at all. He told me he thought for sure the problem in my back is due to the kidney, and give it a few weeks to pass the stone and if no changes, come back and see him.

Of course you know how this turns out. I rush home and google panreatic cancer, and every day since then, I have pain in my abdomen. The pain from the kidney area seems to have disappeared completely. Now I have bloating, constipation, feel like I can't eat, nausea, sharp stabbing pains in both sides of my abdomen.

I know realistically the chances of me having PC are so low. But the minute I heard him say the words "pancreas" my mind immediately went to the worst case scneario. Not pancreatitis, or any other stomach disorder. Nope, I have to always dream up the worst possible scenario. I now have myself living only 3 or 6 more months. :blush:

I am so mad and disgusted at myself. I'm in that horrid, horrid place where I am too scared to go back to the doctor and get a scan, but also can't stop worrying that I'm dying. I'm in that place where I feel like if I am dying, I don't want to know. Meanwhile there could be something less serious going on, but I'm too scared of the most serious to go find out what is wrong, if anything. More than likely the only thing wrong is my broke down brain, so worked up over this terrible debilitating health anxiety. I've had so many "diseases" in my mind - I've had lung cancer, AIDS, brain cancer, bone cancer - when the reality of it all is every time I've had these awful diseases in my mind, the tests prove otherwise and I am actually in decent health. Except for the fact that every few months I start worrying so much about dying that I am really not living.

I have 2 teenage boys who only have me in this world - their father is a creep who we haven't seen in over 2 years. My parents are dead, and I only have one brother who is a bachelor. He could look after them if I died, but it would not be ideal for them or him. I worry endlessly what would happen to them if I die.

I feel so down and so low today. If you made it through this rant so far, thanks for listening. It helps tremendously to come here and see other people who have the same issues, although on the other hand I feel so bad that others have to suffer too. Especially young people. I am not young, I'm 48. I'm so sorry for those of you in your 20s who shouldn't be worried about anything more than their next fun night out on the town, but are consumed with these same crazy thoughts.

Blech. I wish I had a magic wand and could make these worries go away.

[blondie47]

Oh one other thing (and I very well may be talking to myself here, which is therapeutic if nothing else) - I was so crazy yesterday I googled pancreatic cancer survivors and fell on this site that had probably 100 stories of people who are dying of pancreatic cancer. I read each and every one of them and started a check list. Each person who had symptoms like mine, I put a check mark next to "yes", and each person who didn't, I put a check mark next to "no". Who ever heard of such a ridiculous thing??? I mean, how nuts am I to do this? I am sitting here crying just thinking of it. I am so mad at myself, and feel even worse for the poor people who have diagnosed cancer and really know they are dying. Yet here I sit reading their stories and convincing myself I am suffering the same fate.

I think I do it to reassure myself, but what always ends up happening is I make myself sick with worry.

[jenza20]

You're not nuts, you have Health Anxiety and by the sounds of so many others (myself included), you are definitely not alone. I have exactly the same emotions as you. Usually with my liver but I have obsessed about all other organs too. Every symptom we experience, we imagine worst case scenario. I hate Health Anixety. I have wasted so much time worrying about my health and 'how long I have left' that it is affecting my life.

You don't have pancreatic cancer. You don't have the symptoms but you already know that. You WILL get over this fear and will look back in a week or 2 and shake your head. Sadly it may be replaced with a different fear as that's HA for you but for now, don't let it grind you down. Accept you have HA, that's your disease!

[RosieXXX]

Hello blondie,

I can tell from your post you are trying to hold on to all the reasons why you know, in your rational mind, you don't have pancreatic cancer - hold tight on to these glimpses of rationality, because they will pull you out of this episode. Your doctor doesn't think for one minute you have this disease; he is certain it is connected to your kidney stones. I know how awful it is when you fall back into health anxiety, and it can be very hard to pull yourself out of it. Don't feel disgusted with yourself - you have done really well to have six months anxiety free, and I am sure once this episode passes you will regain your balance again.

[mel1972]

Hi blondie, I am exactly the same as you! My HA is going through the roof at the moment mine is heart or head related. Since my mum died 10 months ago I have slowly been self destructing I always seem to be I'll or just feel like crap. My main fear is leaving my 2 beautiful children who are 16 & 15 like you their dad is a jerk and I look after my dad cox he's disabled. I have made best friend promise that she will look after my kids If anything happens to me, even though I am going to be fine. At the moment I am convinced I have a head problem as I blacked out on Monday and after seeing the doc with other symptoms he said chest infection but now my eyes hurt when I move them in any direction and am very heady and worried that I am going to pass out again. So after my essay you know you are not alone in thinking the worst if only it was as easy to convince ourselves that we are fine then this site would be shut. I hope you have a better day tomorrow and it's kinder to you xx take care mel x

[blondie47]

O.K. now I am sitting here crying at my desk at work. Happy tears tho. I'm a mess. :lol: The kindness of strangers never ceases to amaze me.

Thank you for the support, it means more to me than you could ever know.