Desprate Dan
18-03-10, 07:04
I Really dont think i can take this anymore...:weep: Every day is becoming just like the one before, just constantly restless not knowing were i want to be, feeling i should be doing something but not sure what, paceing around like an expectant father, not being really able to focus on anything other than how i feel and what will happen to me??? I find it hard to sleep, lucky if i get 4hours a night, i wake up early around 4am, i try as best as i can to go back to sleep but as i am trying i will notice my nose is itchy, then my hand will be itchy then my leg, its as if i am getting tortured like its saying you cant go back to sleep because i wont let you, i will just keep tickling you with this feather until you give up trying..:mad:
I will start a job like painting the fence or something, i am already tired and soon become sick, so start another job because i cant seem to just sit still and be doing nothing because thats when anxiety does its most damage, but when i start a job i soon lose all intrest, then comes frustration and anger towards myself.
Its not just in everyday tasks that anxiety hits me its become my life, i am not just restless minute to minute, hour to hour, day to day, its seem even when i look to the future i have no idea were i want to be, have no strong feelings towards anything, like marraige haveing a family, career etc......:unsure::unsure: I feel so ashamed i feel like a bad person though i really havent done anything wrong.
I guess i have always suffered with anxiety to a degree but i coped a lot better with it before, when i was growing up i thought dont worrie everything will become come clearer and all the jigsaw pieces will slot together, but here i am still waiting, when everyone around me has moved on and now i feel i am left all alone in this world were i dont really think i fit in or belong, it just constantly wears me down, I fear what will happen to me? will i eventually just give up hope??????
I think a lot of my problems started as a child but i dont know why, as a child i was always shy and reserved never liked being the centre of attention, always felt sensitive towards others feelings, some people would think that was a good qaulity to posses, but not really, i would think long and hard before i spoke incase my words would offend someone, it would hurt me so much to see others upset, in pain or distress. Even at school i made things very difficult for myself, if i didnt understand some work i wouldnt ask for help i would just muddle through as best i could, not wanting to feel i let the teacher down by not understanding, and if i didnt understand i thought maybe the teacher might think bad of themselves because they havent explained it properly, see things that i felt inside myself i believe they would feel the same..
Its only really in the last year that i have actually sort help, but i still find it very difficult to tell things like they really are for fear i might be dissapointing them, i like to impress make others feel happy, so i would often tell them what i thought they would like to hear, rather than how things actually are.. I still do this to a degree.
Its not all bad from time to time i get a good happy feeling and feel possitive, i wish i could feel like that forever or i would like to keep it in a bottle for the times i felt so down...
I am on medication which i really want to stop because i dont think its the answer the changes need to come from inside me, but how do you change when you dont know what you want???
Dan
I will start a job like painting the fence or something, i am already tired and soon become sick, so start another job because i cant seem to just sit still and be doing nothing because thats when anxiety does its most damage, but when i start a job i soon lose all intrest, then comes frustration and anger towards myself.
Its not just in everyday tasks that anxiety hits me its become my life, i am not just restless minute to minute, hour to hour, day to day, its seem even when i look to the future i have no idea were i want to be, have no strong feelings towards anything, like marraige haveing a family, career etc......:unsure::unsure: I feel so ashamed i feel like a bad person though i really havent done anything wrong.
I guess i have always suffered with anxiety to a degree but i coped a lot better with it before, when i was growing up i thought dont worrie everything will become come clearer and all the jigsaw pieces will slot together, but here i am still waiting, when everyone around me has moved on and now i feel i am left all alone in this world were i dont really think i fit in or belong, it just constantly wears me down, I fear what will happen to me? will i eventually just give up hope??????
I think a lot of my problems started as a child but i dont know why, as a child i was always shy and reserved never liked being the centre of attention, always felt sensitive towards others feelings, some people would think that was a good qaulity to posses, but not really, i would think long and hard before i spoke incase my words would offend someone, it would hurt me so much to see others upset, in pain or distress. Even at school i made things very difficult for myself, if i didnt understand some work i wouldnt ask for help i would just muddle through as best i could, not wanting to feel i let the teacher down by not understanding, and if i didnt understand i thought maybe the teacher might think bad of themselves because they havent explained it properly, see things that i felt inside myself i believe they would feel the same..
Its only really in the last year that i have actually sort help, but i still find it very difficult to tell things like they really are for fear i might be dissapointing them, i like to impress make others feel happy, so i would often tell them what i thought they would like to hear, rather than how things actually are.. I still do this to a degree.
Its not all bad from time to time i get a good happy feeling and feel possitive, i wish i could feel like that forever or i would like to keep it in a bottle for the times i felt so down...
I am on medication which i really want to stop because i dont think its the answer the changes need to come from inside me, but how do you change when you dont know what you want???
Dan