Oh dear - update

[bonzarinababy]

Ok, having a bit of a bad week… after hairdressing incident was getting more and more wound up about going for the interview, so made super chicken decision not to go at all. Had yesterday off so that was ok (went to a friend’s house who knows about pa’s so felt ‘safe’). But woke up this morning with a feeling of apprehension about work because I knew I had a two hour workshop to attend, and knew it would be awful, but went in anyway (trying to tell myself not to base things on past experiences). Spent the morning getting more and more anxious, managed to stay for about 30 minutes of the workshop but ended up walking out of it and going home. Not good. Not sure how I’m going to explain that to boss tomorrow.

Then got a call inviting me to a different interview next week – at an all day assessment centre which would also involve a long train journey there and back, so made up a story about how I couldn’t. So now feel terrible cos feel drained from anxiety anyway, plus am lying to people to cover up what’s going on, plus feel like my life’s spiralling out of control and I’m wasting all these good opportunities. But what’s even worse is part of me is starting not to care. Although I do care really and truly, don’t want to give up, just sometimes feels like it will be easier.

Have made a decision to go to the docs in the morning – really don’t want to take meds but as my friend said, I’d use crutches if I’d broken a leg – maybe I just need a break, a crutch for a while…

Usual super long post, soz - and soz it’s not a very positive post, know I sound like I’m feeling sorry for myself and a self absorbed (I am a bit of both at the mo, as much as I hate it) – guess its just therapeutic getting it out…

BB x


Worry gives a small thing a big shadow.

[Keitharcher]

Hi
Dont knock yourself, take the break rely on the meds, thats what they are there for. When you feel more like yourself then you can take a rational decisoion to continue them or drop them. Hope you get moire like your real self soon

Kirht

[bonzarinababy]

Thanks Kieth - just feels like I'm giving in... and in a way am annoyed with myself for that, but in another way am just too tired and desperate to argue. Will see what the doc says in the morning... maybe he/she will wave a magic wand eh?

(I'm joking - know they can't - know it really has to come from me, which is why I'm worried - that's it's wearing me out so I haven't the strength to fight it - but am rambling now and none of it's productive - but thanks for the post :)

Worry gives a small thing a big shadow.

[existential crisis]

BB,

I agree with Keith and what you said was right - if you broke your leg, you would need it to be treated and the same goes for this too. I think its understandable to be concerned about taking medication - but maybe thats partly to do with the stigma attached to it. But so what? Thats what it's there for. Have a chat with the doc and she what he/she suggests - if they prescribe medication then you can always take away the prescription and have a think about what to do at home. You aren't giving in at all - if anything you are taking charge and dealing with the situation by consulting the doctor. Good luck and take care, Clare. xxx

*I think, therefore I am.*

[Meg]

Using meds is not giving in - its getting help.

It may give you the break you need so you can self help more whilst you're on them

Meg
www.anxietymanagementltd.com

Your anxiety is the human representation of the pictures that you paint using your many vivid colours of revolving and reoccurring thoughts.
How big is your gallery ?

[bonzarinababy]

Thanks Meg - I think I see it as giving in because I was on meds for so long before, around 8 years, so was proud of myself for not being on them.

Anyway, a quick update, went to the doctors this morning, cried all over her but she seemed very understanding without being too gushing (a huge relief as I have had some very dismissive doctors in the past, and some OTT ones too) - after having a bit of a chat she's given me citalopram which I know a lot of you have taken - 10mg dose to start as I explained I was scared of the side effects following the posts on here, but she said if after a couple of days I feel comfortable that I'm not having adverse affects I can increase it to 20mg. She's also referred me to their on-site counsellor, who she says should be in touch with me in a couple of weeks, and I've got an appointment to see the doc again in a couple of weeks to discuss the meds too.

All sounds very reasonable - have collected the tabs and am *planning* to take my first tomorrow – although strangely haven't felt too anxious today, just really tired and quite sad. Not sure if lack of anxiety is because I've not needed to speak to anyone today, or a psychological thing (cos I know my 'crutch' is in reach) but either way is starting an internal conversation of 'see, you're fine really and don't need the meds at all - what's the point in getting yourself started on these things when you've read that they can be really nasty to come back off again' yada yada yada - bah! :(

Worry gives a small thing a big shadow.