new and feeling like Im losing it!!...

[bellab]

Hello all
am pleased to find a site that so accurately seems to desrcribe some of the experiences that are going on for me....

I have had issues with anxiety in the past but nothing as long lasting and debilitating as the last 6-9 months have been....

The anxiety (this time round) seemed to have sparked off following going for a meal out for a friends bday and then ending up quite ill for the rest of the evening (poss food poisoning , poss due to other health issues I have) ....though I was feeling just ill (and wanting to go home!) rather than anxious....this then turned quickly into anxiety about going out in general , and has escalated to the point in the last couple of monthsI have felt on the verge of a panic attack almost daily ...sometimes it will get to the point I literally "whitey" so feel incredibly sick, my legs go like jelly, I feel like Im gonna pass out, all the colour drains from my face etc... At first I thought this was me getting ill, but its much more clear now that its panic...

I have tried so hard to fight and not limit my life , but it is becoming harder and harder as I just feel exhausted with it all...I wonder too if there has been some element of health anxiety in with it all, as I am constanly badgering my poor GP becuase I feel unwell all the time! or the flipside that my body is running on adrenalin and "terror" so much of the time that its just grinding me down and I am just run down and catching anything going! ...

EVERYTHING feels difficult right now- things I used to love doing- a night out, a meal with friends, having a haircut or a facial, going shopping, I am filled with anxiety, I find it near on impossible to relax and am most of the time relieved to just get home! anything else- seeing friends, family

work is becoming a nightmare...I have already cut down to part time hours due to feeling burnt out and run down , for a few months (work do not know this is the reason) .... but even doing that I feel I am running on adrenalin most of the day and waves of panic and nausea that make it so hard not just to up and leave....Mine is NOT the kind of job I can up and leave in the middle of something .... it is working directly and fairly intensly with people (mainly children) and the anxiety and panic is making it feel just so hard to keep going..... sundays become full of "Omg Ive got to go to work tomorrow, what if Im ill? what if I cant handle it? how will Iget home if I panic ? what if I feel too ill to drive? what if I pass out or am sick at work and make a total fool of myself? what if it becomes apparent I am having panic attacks and work find out? will they sack me?"

If I could afford it I would seriously think about giving in my notice....but then I know avoiding is probably the worst thing you can do with anxiety right?...

I have just started seeing a counsellor again , actually changed back from one I was seeing for more PTSD/trauma based stuff, which seemed to just be making the day to day anxiety worse....

I am struggling to untangle this all - to the point of even pinpointing what the anxiety is about- other than "the world is scary" I couldnt tell you what it is that makes work, meeting people, going out ...so utterly terrifying

The saddest thing is I am usually NOT like this, I feel this is an indication of me being weak and unable to cope and constantly worry that this is going to become apparent to everyone (work especially)

my poor partner bless him tried to understand and is very supportive, but I worry about the drain this is having on him as well- It is very rare that I full on cancel going out , but my anxiety about anything involving leaving the house (or even having other people round!) is huge....going to his family (who we see a lot and are lovely people) , seeing friends, going to parties, become excercises in "psyching myself up" and he knows how anxious I am....he is patient and loving, but I feel I am not giving anything back right now as I feel so all over the place

I know *intellectually* that it is possible to get over panic attacks , anxiety or whatever I have going on, but it feels right now like it will never end...

how have others coped with this? have you managed to get better? any hope for me?...

[Maj]

Hello,
Sorry you are feeling so bad. You have explained the anxiety state perfectly. No, you are not weak, infact, it takes a strong person to carry on with work and life in general. It's amazing the face that the anxious person can put on at work in fear of making a fool of themselves! Whilst all the time thinking "what if". You can almost see yourself being carried off, screaming!! What an imagination we have when anxious. But that's what makes you worse, the constant fighting and struggling to keep calm. Anxiety will never go away whilst you fight it. You are obviously anxious for a reason and if you accept this and that the symptoms are part of this, then you will relax slightly. Recovering from anxiety is all about not being afraid of the symptoms. When you are unafraid then the symptoms eventually disappear, but don't expect it to happen overnight. If you really feel exhausted then maybe you do need a short break from work to recharge your batteries and not have the stress of putting a face on for a while. I did this recently and it was so beneficial. I'd recommend a book by Dr. Claire Weekes who explains anxiety symptoms perfectly. You can't go wrong if you follow her advice, as many sufferers here have done. She explains that the "jelly legs" will ALWAYS get you there. It's just a feeling and no harm will come to you with these sensations. I really feel for you because I've been there myself, but you can recover and learn to live with anxiety whilst keeping it in the background. Don't despair, you are not alone. You'll get lots of support and comfort here.
Myra x:hugs:

[Pan_Ickt]

Hello Bellab

I've just read through your post ......and I could have written it word for word to describe my symptoms/fears etc.

Over the years I too have cut down my hours and have thought about handing in my notice...But where does the income come from then? I always feel stressed out at work and wonder if I can make it through the day. People I work with seem to think I'm the calmest person in the building but this is typical of this illness.

I've tried CBT and various medications (I have had 8 sessions of CBT and have been told that is the limit!!)....tablets have made me very sleepy and I've not been able to work properly (I too work with children and need to be alert)

I have suffered from anxiety and stress for 11 years and during this time I've rarely had a day off work.....I think this is typical of sufferers of this condition.

Next week I will try hypnotherapy.....

One day something will work...

Thanks for posting

:-)

[bellab]

Thank you Myra
I may look into the book recommendation. Youre right, I spend so much energy putting on my "Im okay" face at work....I have also had some health probs (possibly health anxiety or just caused by stress/exhaustion ...) and even opening up to colleagues about this they were really surprised at how well I cover it up as I never seem under par to them apparently! ....amazing becuase I convince myself people can "see" that im so anxious or "crazy" or whatevr!

I know its not craziness....but it feels SOOOOO out of control ... and yes the image of me having to be restrained and carried off or collapsing in a heap and having to be taken home , does go through my head often! I have some leave coming up in a couple of weeks, but just wondering how to even get through today , let alone 3 more weeks....I think if I could get signed off right at the moment I would grab it....

Panickt
Thanks for your reply, I really hope you find something that works for you... I have had counselling in the past and currently gone back for it (must have shelled out SO much money!!) .... I feel like Im literally existing on adrenalin and question how much longer I can go on like this...
especially in my job I feel very responsible and dont feel I am doing anything (including myself) justice at the moment as I feel constantly on the edge of a total meltdown.... but the implications of taking time off work (especially with "stress") on my career/reputation/references scares me more at the moment than the panic....but its for sure a fine balance that tips both ways sometimes!....
I wonder if it could be burnout too...not unusual in my line of work...
and like you say, all very well to want to quit but where then does the money come from???...

trying to calm myself down as its half an hour till I leave for work and already my head is starting to panic :huh:

thank you guys

bella