Am i hooked ???????

[Desprate Dan]

Hi everyone, please dont think bad of me, but i have been really struggling for a long time now with anxiety and sleep problems, i get very little sleep and constantly feel tired all day at work..

When i was on holiday in Africa in november had an upset stomache so went to the pharmacy, whilst at the pharmacy i told them about my anxiety and trouble sleeping, they prescribed 5mg diazepan and 5mg nitrazepam so i bought them without a perscription, it was like a breath of fresh air, i fell a sleep quicker at night and had more of a deep restful sleep with the nitrazepam and with diazepan i felt very relaxed and calm, it was lovelly just laying on the beach so calm rather than being my usual restless self......

Now here comes the problem.......... Since i got back my sleep patern is terrible and i feel so exhausted all the time, i really feel like just giving up some days i am so restless all the time and long to be able to relax, i know if i started drinking it would become a big problem, so i wanted to feel like i did on holiday, and managed to get hold of some Temazepam tablets, i have been taking them on a weekend when i have no work the next day to help get a better qaulity nights sleep and i do.. I am frightened that i might be becoming hooked, i say to myself i dont smoke or drink so what harm can a few tablets be doing to me on a weekend..

I am frightened to speak to the doctor, i know its not the crime of the century but i feel so guilty, and i would like help without going looking on the black market for my problems, my doctor knows of my troubles with anxiety and sleep but he cant feel the way i do when i am laid awake all night going out of my head with frustration..

I am frightened i will get into serious trouble and he will start asking lots of questions and wanting to know were i get the tablets from..


Please help me, what should i do????


Dan

[Maj]

Hello Dan,
The fact that you've posted this shows how worried you are about the meds. I can totally understand that being unable to sleep really drags you down but I don't think taking these meds, which weren't prescribed, is a good idea at all. I'm going to be honest and say that I think you are going down a very rocky road. Don't get me wrong, I think a short course of these particular meds can be very beneficial. I've taken them myself and they've helped me enormously. But to do what you are doing is only getting yourself deeper into a black hole. I'm not judging you, because I know what we can all do in desperation, but I honestly don't think you are doing yourself any good whatsoever. When you see your gp again tell him exactly how bad you are feeling without sleep and that it's taking over your life. I'm assuming you've tried exercise,walking, herbal aids, meditation, watching tv in bed, listening to music, etc.? Sorry to be so blunt but I don't want to see you making yourself a whole lot worse in the long-run. You are too nice a person for that. You can always tell your gp you got some meds on holiday and some from a friend. He doesn't need to know the whole story at this point.
Myra x

[chrissy16]

Yes I really understand what you are going through. If you look at my sig line you will see that I was on lorazepam (ativan) for over 27 years. I was fine on them, no side effects, no tolerence or anything, but I moved house and it was at the time when doctors were not prescribing benzos as they used to. They said they were not going to prescribe to me anymore (panic hits), and that I had to come off. I was terrified you can imagine. Anyway I researched this and decided to "try". I went over to valium as this is long acting and did it from there. It took 16 months to do this and I dont think it really worked for me, as I still get very anxious and panicky and dont sleep too well either. I can relate to why you got some pills, you were desperate, and yes it is nice to lay there all calm and feeling lovely too. But you dont take them all the time do you? Only weekends, well why dont you try and cut down to the minimum dose at weekends and see how this goes. You cant be addicted as you would want to take them every day and you would have withdrawal symptoms too. I sort of have the same problem getting to the end of my tether with doctors not understanding how I feel etc. They just look at you with a blank face and say "Oh dear". Do they really know what I and millions of others have to go through every day and night? No, they dont. Its sheer hell sometimes. Well, I "borrowed" some Ativan from a dear friend of mine in Canada who also came off of Ativan too when I was. She just could not see me suffer anymore. Her doctor gives her some for when the anxiety gets unbearable,, and she takes a half of a tablet when she has to, not too often though, and it helps. So far I have taken a half a pill and yes, they do work again (even though doctors will say they wont after long term use). It IS a relief as well, and I feel I need that stopgap otherwise I would go mad. I need respite from not having any sleep at all, which I cannot cope with. And when you do get a good night, the next day is so much easier to deal with. Life shouldnt be lived in "anxiety mode" all the time, it is bad for us,, so I dont mind taking something now and again. If you want to though, you should stop taking them, but if you think you can handle them just now and again, so be it. Sorry for going on about things, but sometimes it is better to get it all out in the open and rant at the doctors who really know nothing - they cant see my pain, but I can feel it. Chris x

[Desprate Dan]

Thanks Myra/Chrissy,

Yes it really does bother me, because i feel like i am becoming hooked which in turn makes me anxious so i cant relax, so instead of doing what others do like having a bottle of wine or a few pints on a weekend i take a few Temazepam tablets they make me feel comfy, cosy and help me sleep, so you can see why i worrie because i like the feeling so much... I know about its effect so i will only take them when i dont need to goto work so i can have a half decent nights sleep, i struggle through the week and just want that little bit of comfort at the weekend.... But i worrie like you say were it will lead, i promised myself i would only do them on a weekend, but what if i get so stressed i know they are there it would be so tempting to just take them...... And then were do you draw the line. I need some help now before it goes to far...... I need to snap out of all this my life is such a shambles, what am i doing to myself..i hate myself so much, why cant i just live a normal life goto bed fall asleep have 8 hours sleep wake up refreshed, but instead its like i am getting tortured everyday to see how much strain my body can take before it eventually breaks...

Sorry

Dan

[chrissy16]

Oh Dan, I feel so sorry for you, but as I said you are not taking them every day are you, so you're not hooked. I took lorazepam 3 x a day for 27 years after post natal anxiety. I think I may have been dependent........doh! But, I did get off of them, so it can be done. Just try and take less and infequently, but I know where you are coming from in that when stress and anxiety strikes you look to the pills for relief. They are good, I know that, and they do the job very well, that's why they are addictive. But when you dont have anymore where are you going to get them from? Yes, oh for 8 hours non interrupted sleep at night. I cant see it happening to me. This only happens when I take half of a pill. And I wont keep taking one, only when I really am desperate. God life is so short why should we suffer so much. My doctor looks at me as if I am mad when I tell her what is happening. Why dont they give me something? Anyyway, I came on this forum to find out about Seredyn and where I can buy it from as I found relief in that when it was on sale in the UK,, but I think now we can only get it from the USA. It DID work for me. Hope all is well with you Dan, you are very brave to be suffering anxiety and sleeplessness, and you work as well. Chris x

[Desprate Dan]

I am far from brave Chrissy, i just feel i need that relaxing comfort feeling i cant find it in myself, the only place i can find it is in the medication, so whats the answer i cant face going through the rest of my life like this, and i cant take medication because people say you become dependant on it........ I just dont know what next.

I need help, i will have to speak to my GP and tell him i need help otherwise i will become hooked on perscription drugs.

Do you think the GP will hassle me on were i obtained them?? I know its illegal, but so is ecstacy, canabis, cocaine but iT doesnt stop thousands of people going out on a weekend and useing it, i am only after some well earned rest which i cant seem to get from myself......

So why do i feel so bad and guilty that i am hideing something away from my GP and CBT therapist???

Desperate for a good rest Dan.

[Maj]

Dan please don't be so hard on yourself - you have done what probably thousands of people have done who felt the same!! You are torturing yourself as if you have committed a bloomin murder!! I do agree though, if you had more of them you'd be tempted to take them easily. Any of us would just to calm us down a bit. The sleep problem needs to be sorted out because you are getting yourself into a state about it all. I feel for you. Sleep deprivation can affect our lives so much. I think you need to go down another route though. I know it's not easy. Have you tried other things? Try not to get too stressed about it though because it's making you more anxious. My mum always says you shouldn't worry about sleep as you will always get enough somehow.
Take care
Myra x:hugs:

[Bill]

Dan,

Look at yourself from the outside and ask yourself what advice you would give to someone suffering in your position.:winks:

Stop beating yourself up because you have no reason to and go and see your doctor who is there to help, not judge.

If you need help getting to sleep, your doc will prescribe something most effective for sleeping as mine did when she prescribed amitriptyline which knocked me out until I felt better so I then asked to stop taking them.

You know I'm not a lover of meds for anxiety because of at times all the unnecessary complications they can cause but I do feel they can help us through times when we're most in need.....and I would then ask....what's wrong with taking meds for a lifetime if the support they provide helps someone to lead a happier life?:shrug:

We all find our different ways to live a happier life so no one should judge another if what they're doing causes no harm to others.....so do what makes you feel happy no matter what others say or might think. Think of "You" Dan and see your doctor before you overcomplicate matters by going over and over things in your mind which in itself will cause you not to be able to sleep!:winks:

[Desprate Dan]

Thanks Bill,

I can always count on you to reasure me and give great advice and i really do appreciate it..

I would really love to have a good nights sleep without taking medication but i have tried everything and its as if i am on gaurd and wont let myself fully relax as if i need to be in control and the moment i fall asleep my defence is down and i am vunreable to attack, so i never properly let go of cociousness so spend most of the night in a semi sort of dream state somwere inbetween sleep and awake..

Were as if i take the medication i become sort of calm and content which seem to help me relax enough to drift into a more restful sleep..

Dan

[Desprate Dan]

Aaahhhhh Its 02.28 i have laid awake for the last hour trying my best to fall back to sleep, i am itching again its like a part of my body will become itchy and i suddenly focus in on it and scratch myself to stop the itching, then as i am trying to fall asleep it will happen again, its like i am getting tortured...... I dont think i can take anymore of this i am so fed up and sick of my life and my continous struggle, i know i have tablets i could take to help me sleep, but i will not take them brcause i have to be up for work at 5am and have a fork lift truck refresher course to do today....

I really am at my wits end now, i cant get in to see my doc for at least 2 weeks because all appointments are taken for next week and he is on holiday the week after, He is the only doctor i can speak to about my problems. I have a session with my CBT therapist tursday 3pm, i have failed her, because i cant seem to put any of the things i've learnt into practice like "Mindfulness" etc, although when i see her i will probably play it all down and say i'm fine because i dont want to disapoint her and make her think all the help she has tried to give me has just been a total waste of time... I hate myself and my defeatist attitude but thats the way i feel right now just so so so fed up....

Well i guess i will lay here for another 2 hours before heading off to work feeling exhausted and frustrated..

What have i done what is so bad to deserve this???

getting sicker by the minute.....


DAN

[Bill]

What have i done what is so bad to deserve this???

Nothing! Knowing you, you couldn't do anything bad for a start!:winks: And I don't think anyone who suffers from anxiety really deserves to either! I just feel its not an anxiety sufferer who has the problem. It's this world we live in! If more people thought like you, less people would be suffering so don't beat yourself up for being you!:winks:

Well i guess i will lay here for another 2 hours before heading off to work feeling exhausted and frustrated

Well.....Don't lay there! You'll only be allowing your mind go round in circles with bad thoughts about yourself and why you can't sleep. Get up, walk around, read a book or magazine, put tv on, find a crossword, try a milk drink, listen to some relaxing music, put the radio on. Just don't lay there "thinking" because you'll never get to sleep. FORCE your mind to think about something else to help relax you.

i cant get in to see my doc for at least 2 weeks because all appointments are taken for next week and he is on holiday the week after, He is the only doctor i can speak to about my problems.

Then you need to get on the phone in the morning and tell them it's URGENT that you see him BEFORE he goes on hols.......or ask them to ask him to ring you asap! Don't take no for an answer!:winks:

And you Haven't failed anyone...not even yourself! I know how much good you do and how much you've achieved...things you should remind yourself of and be proud of!:winks:

[Desprate Dan]

I really dont deserve any of the kind words you have all given me, i feel such a waste of time.

I cant really explain how i am feeling, its like i need to punish myself for feeling low, or is it like self harming but i do it in a mental sort of way, i really dont know anymore and i am sick of trying to fight it or work out whats wrong with me, my head is so clogged up, i wish i could defrag like you do a computer but with my mind and get rid all the negative thoughts and start a fresh.....

Like i say, its like i am self harming but with my mind, just like i need to put myself down or be negative towards myself because i dont know any other way to think, like if things are going smoothly and i am feeling good, its like i think oh oh things are going to well i must punish myself (whip myself with these stinging nettles) not really but its like i do that to my mind the inside were nobody can see...

I am so negative and such a defeatist, but its like i use that to control my anxiety because without it there is just an empty void which sends my anxiety out of control, so i focus back on negativity to calm me down....

What i am saying is probably the biggest load of rubbish ever, i have been round and round and round this so many times trying to find answers i am sick and dizzy and just grasping at straws...:shrug:

Well time to go to work now.....:wacko:

Dan