Oh to be normal - Recently engaged

[tora]

Hi,

I have been coming to terms with my depression over the last few years. and have just recently gone on citalopram with mixed results.

I returned 7 months ago from a 12 month trip to South America and I rediscovered the real me. I was so happy, motivated, positive, slept well and just couldn't believe it. I went on the trip as I was really in a hole. I was depressed with my career, my girlfriend and basically everything. So we broke up and I took off.

When I returned we crossed paths again and starting seeing each other which was great until everything started happening again like ground hog day and eventually she had to let me go. I went on citalopram 20mg and it took 6 weeks to really kick in. But in between this time I mulled it over my relationship and felt positive and thought all I wanted to do was to spend the rest of my life with her and have a family so despite not having seen her for 2 months or spoken to her I took her to Paris and asked her to marry me and she said yes.

Again this was great then my pills kicked in and I felt like a normal person for a while. This was back in January and about 3-4 weeks ago with all this time on my hands (I am not working) I felt rough again. Tires all the time, really doubting my relationship, my situation, I felt really anxious, sad and slipped into a hole.

My Doctor increased my dosage to 40mg and I have been on that now for 2 weeks without any change. I am not sure how long it takes?

It is just so unfair on my fiance and it makes her sad and I just don't want her life to be tainted by my lows. I would rather let her go so she would be happy with someone else.

It is so frustrating because during my 12 months away I was on could nine.

Oh to just be normal.

[alias_kev]

Hey Tora, I thought I'd post as no-one else had, which is a bit harsh. There seem to be three things going on so lets take them separately.
1. Meds. The citalopram may help soon although it slightly depends (in my mind) on how much your condition is rooted in anxiety or depression. Many of us get some of both but I feel that either can be the root condition. If the anxiety is driving it all then not all of the antidepressants work well against it and everyone's response is pretty personal. If I remember correctly its 2-4 weeks for a dose change to stabilise in the body. If after that you feel its not doing enough then do see your GP about trying something else.
2. Your Fiance. First you have to recognise that she is an adult and can make her own choices. You can say to her that you are sorry that you are ill again and that you feel guilty for involving her in your struggles. It isn't your job to "set her free" or "dump her". She may prove to be the rock you need to beat this, or she may agree that its too tough and step back to being your friend for a while. She's already accepted you into her life a few times so I think you may be amazed how much she cares for you. Help her to understand what you are feeling and what support you really need deep down.
3. Your anxiety. This is the tough topic for you to try and analyse about yourself. I'm only guessing from what you've written above. Take or discard what I say, weigh it up. There seems to be a common feature that when you get settled into your relationship your anxiety increases. This is certainly the focus of your story. This does not have to mean the relationship is wrong, but it does suggest (to me, but what do you think?) that something in your mind/hopes/past is disturbed by it. Some people fear losing the partner, some the responsibilities or settling down, or repeating mistakes they've seen others make, or loss of freedom. Anxiety sufferers often get thrown by change, even good changes that they like! The human mind is often strange and can ignore the 90% upside that change brings and see only the 10% lost. If I said write down a list of all the pros and cons of being a relationship have a think about what items would be on the cons side. You don't have to share them here, but it may help you to see what's jarring your emotions. For example, if you've enjoyed a lot freedom or been surrounded by broken marriages then you may be responding differently to someone who's always been in a close-knit family. (They can have their own problems).

I hope this helps at least a little

[Liliana83]

Sorry you are going through this rough patch..I would perhaps talk to a therapist about this...he/she can listen to you and perhaps give you some insight. Hope things look up for you! Keep us posted.

[iris333]

seems like your more positive times are when this girl isn't in your life. Sorry if I am being blunt but perhaps that is something you should think about. :shrug: