"Tell" new friends or "pretend" to be normal...?

[charliebrown]

my problem is not PA's as such but more a constant state of anxiety, taking over most days of my life. I can't seem to relax and walk around in a daze, constantly worrying "will I meet someone superior to me, will I say something stupid, can they tell I'm shaking", etc. My skin/face feels constantly "tingly", ive read the description of a feeling of "heightened consciousness". I worry costantly about EVERYTHING. I can't seem to hold convesations which involve me replying more than twice, get all tongue tied and say the most ridiculous things, or even worse just look blank. I have a great partner, loving family, a brill best friend and a good life. These feelings overcome me not only when meeting new people, but sometimes when talking with my best friend too!

It's affecting the way I am with my kids, more and more I'm sitting them in front of the TV as finding it hard to even be "real" with them - sometimes they do the silliest things I want to laugh out loud but CAN'T, my face goes all funny and tence. I think I've forgotten how to relax and laugh but I so want to.

I desperately want to have nights out and let go but its hard. would you recommend telling people how you feel or not?


Thanks

[smudga]

Yes tell them. There's nothing to be ashamed of. IT's not like u r the only one in the world with that prob. If people aren't kind and understanding then ditch them. People like that aren't worth being around.

[bishop]

i tolally agree with smudge,true friends will always be their,people
who understand make better friends
bishop

[charliebrown]

thanks to you both. I can hear myself saying those words of advise to others but ... it's always different when trying to listen to them yourself, no matter how much you know its right. The thing is it's probably a certain bunch of new found friends who I'm concerned with whether to tell or not as its them who I get most het-up about and I'd want to explain why I sometimes go a bit odd. But, do you think being as I'm only just getting to know them, meaning they don't yet have that "good friend" loyalty that I might scare them off? I mean they don't know me so well and its so easy to gossip, say when they're at work, especially when you don't have a certain loyalty to a person?

thanks again. x

[smudga]

Howdy CB. I would think after only a couple of times of meeting u they would be able to decide wether they think they would get on well enough with you to bceome friends with u. So I would tell them u have panic attacks. If they are cool with it then that's good u know that u have a new friend. If u tell them now and they aren't nice/understanding towards your situation then at least u found out early on that these are people u don't want to have as your friends. Always be proud of who u r!

[bishop]

hi cb
friends are strange people,you never know,think i told some one at work once and found that they also had panic attacks.
in fact six people in said i suffer from them as well,i was amazed,then worried i told them,but after say i suffered from them i felt better,then they all said you dont look the type too suffer from them.think you would be amazed who does suffer from them

[Joanne]

Bishop- I am with you there. At my lad's school- i got friendly with another mum. I felt ok with her- because she displayed anxiousness too. ( I wonder...do we target people less confident than ourselves??? who we feel superior to??)

And now we laugh about our stupid habits/ rituals. But we have never openly agreed we are both sufferers!
I'd guess more people suffer from a social phobia/ anxiety than we realise.

[charliebrown]

Thanks to you all Bishop, Joanne & Smudga
You are all right, sorry to be so doubting. I think you're right Joanne in that we target certain people and gain confience through this thus being able to talk/meet a wider bunch whom we'd normally be "scared" off speaking to. As a person, I'm a bl**dy analytical Virgo and its a pain , I try not to be but can't help it most of the time - I think personality/upbringing has a lot to do with it to, well for me anyway.

Huge Thanks to you all xx

[Annie]

Hi Charlie

I totally agree with the others about telling your new friends. I have been amazed at how many people suffer from anxiety or panic attacks. Once you open up, you enable others to open up also.

If you do not get the reaction that you hoped for, then your new friends are merely acquaintances and not the friends you thought.

But I bet you will be pleasantly surprised. I find its the people who appear the most confident that are the main sufferers.

Wishing you much happiness with your new friends.

[sarah]

Hi all
I had no choice whether to tell or not as some of my mates were with me when i had my 1st attack and then i hid in my bedroom and wouldnt come out for 2 weeks cos i was so scared so it was a bit obvious!!!
Since then my hubby has had to make excuses for me not going out so now everyone we know knows whats wrong with me. A good thing has come out of it though as a casual aquaintance's girlfriend has just started having panic attacks and has left her job and thinks she's going mad and the 1st thing they did was call me for advice. This makes me feel good knowing i have helped her and they would never have known if i hadnt been so open!
Sarah
xx

[nomorepanic]

Hi all

I still find it hard at work cos the guys I work with take the pi** a bit and there are no women in the team to support me. I tend to suffer alone and go to the loos etc.

As for my friends, well the ones that need to know know but I am not too forthcoming with telling just anyone cos I still feel that it is my business.

I do try to be open about it but it is hard and because my friends don't REALLY understand then I guess I just skim over the details and let them try and imagine how bad it can be.

My closest friends know and understand if I cancel things cos of it so that is good.

We all need friends that understand but I find that just having one that understands (my partner) is enough to keep me going.

Nic

[bishop]

the people i work with now dont understand they have got me down as
being quite mad i think,but i have only work with them a short while,its when they ring me up,i start to panic,some times with my attacks i can not hear,so panic more,because i dont know who it is.
it may sound strange but i see a bright white light ,but thats my attacks. bish

[Gill]

I can totally understand this as, since I gave up work because of anxiety two years ago I have become more anxious about meeting people socially.I was never particularly comfortable meeting new people in any situation, but now I think it is partly anxiety and partly that I don't want to have to tell everone I meet about my problem.

Someone else said here that their panic attacks are their own business and I agree, but I always find when you meet someone new, sooner or later they ask "so what do you do?" As a 35 year old (with no children to look after) its difficult to admit I don't work without them asking why, or thinking it is odd. Plus I always feel a bit ashamed because of the anxiety AND because I don't work. I know I shouldn't but it's hard not to, because I know some people don't understand and can think you are just a slacker!. So now I just get so anxious I'd rather avoid meeting new people.

It is definitely due to feeling inferior with some people. I could probably meet everyone here face to face quite happily because you all understand. But I recently got into such a state about meeting my best friend's new boyfriend for the first time that I had to cancel.And I know it was partly because she had told me all about his job (professor of music at some university) his big house, how well-spoken he was, etc. I just thought "I have nothing in common with him" and "I haven't even got a job to talk about and i'll have to tell him about my anxiety, which I don't want to do".

I'd love to be able to tell people the situation without being ashamed or embarassed, but I haven't worked out how to get to that stage yet!

[Meg]

Hi Gill,

I advise people to just share as much of the truth as you want to with each person.

So to a stranger just say that you're unable to work at the moment due to ill health. If they ask what it is , just say it's personal and hope they understand but you'd rather not share the details with them. End of story. Then simply keep quiet . It's very hard to keep up the questioning then .[8D]

They can guess from then on until you decide to tell them more at a later date.

Will your best friend not have already filled in the boyfriend on your circumstances ?

[nomorepanic]

Gill

Tell them you don't need to work cos you won the lottery - that will shut them all up!!!

Nicola

[Gill]

Hi Radar, thanks for your advice. I have thought about saying that to people, but I haven't yet because I am afraid that saying "it's personal" might make them embarassed about asking & then we'll have an uncomfortable silence! See...that's part of my problem, I worry too much what other people think of me.

Yes, my friend has told him about me. I'm sure he is very understanding, apparently one of his friends is a psychologist and his young son had treatment for depression so he's hardly likely to treat me like a leper, I suppose!Afterwards when I'm calm, I can see how irrational it is to second- guess how meeting someone will be and to assume the worst. but when I get into a state, I can't think straight. I'm going to try & get some help to tackle it, though, because I don't want to get any worse. Finding this website has been great.

[nomorepanic]

Gill

Try and come back in the chat room again sometime cos we all gets lots of help from each other in there too - it is good to talk to fellow sufferers.

Try not to worry about what people think of you. Everyone has their problems and we are not all perfect so don't be embarrassed about your illness.

Take each day as it comes and then you will soon be back at work again

Nic

[mulder]

I recently went to college. Was totally dreading this experience but on the interview I explained about my PA`s and asked the interviewer if I should mention about my anxiety problem to the teachers of various classes.

He recommended that I should, so on every new class I visited I took the teacher aside and gave a brief explanation on my problem.

Basically I told them that if I just "up and leave" in the middle of class it wouldn`t be through ignorance or anything, just that I suffered PA`s.

On my full two year term at college I never had to leave a class once! I guess that was through knowing that the door was always open if I needed to leave!

So basically. Yeah! I think it is a good idea to explain your anxiety to people. Some of my closest friends don`t know about my problem, but I find that when I`m with the ones that do, I`m kinda relaxed. When I`m with the ones that don`t, I`m always tense and nervous waiting on something to happen.

[nomorepanic]

Mulder

Great advice and it obviously works.

I recently told my boss that I had started suffering again and he in turn told the other guys I work with so now they are more understanding when I call in sick or work from home.

So, it does help to let people know doesn't it?

Nicola

[bishop]

hi nic
i wish my boss could understand that, all i get is get back too work or if you cant do the job we will get someone else,thats why im looking for another job .
bish

[nomorepanic]

Bish

That doesn't sound very helpful does it. I know what you mean though cos I left my previous job cos of my boss's attitude to my illness.

I sometimes wish that people like that could suffer panic for just one day to see how they like it - I am sure they would be more understanding then!!

Nicola

[Les]

quote:Originally posted by smudga

Yes tell them. There's nothing to be ashamed of. IT's not like u r the only one in the world with that prob. If people aren't kind and understanding then ditch them. People like that aren't worth being around.

[Les]

quote:Originally posted by charliebrown

my problem is not PA's as such but more a constant state of anxiety, taking over most days of my life. I can't seem to relax and walk around in a daze, constantly worrying "will I meet someone superior to me, will I say something stupid, can they tell I'm shaking", etc. My skin/face feels constantly "tingly", ive read the description of a feeling of "heightened consciousness". I worry costantly about EVERYTHING. I can't seem to hold convesations which involve me replying more than twice, get all tongue tied and say the most ridiculous things, or even worse just look blank. I have a great partner, loving family, a brill best friend and a good life. These feelings overcome me not only when meeting new people, but sometimes when talking with my best friend too!

It's affecting the way I am with my kids, more and more I'm sitting them in front of the TV as finding it hard to even be "real" with them - sometimes they do the silliest things I want to laugh out loud but CAN'T, my face goes all funny and tence. I think I've forgotten how to relax and laugh but I so want to.

I desperately want to have nights out and let go but its hard. would you recommend telling people how you feel or not?


Thanks