Just need to vent

[Shadowwin]

I remember mentioning in couple of posts how reaching the point where you relax can be very nerve wracking.. Well I am having one of those mornings where it is messing with my mind.

Along with my anxiety disorder I have sleep apnea and I am supposed to use a CPAP machine to keep me breathing correctly usually I can't wear the thing due to the fact it triggers the fact i'm clausterphobia but I've been sleeping so horridly the past few weeks so last night I decided to be brave and wear it to bed so in many ways this is a success story as well as a vent.

Well I was able to keep it on all night in fact I woke up at 8am my time feeling really refreshed with tons of energy and raring to go.. now here I sit almost two hours later wanting to curl into a ball and hide.

I felt so wonderful when i first woke up, paid some bills, did some laundry and then something hit me I was in the bathroom drying my hair and I felt plain old empty like nothing was real so I focused myself on my image in the mirror and kept drying my hair, suddenly bam there was the emptiness I get when I'm relaxed followed by and onslaught of confusion it was almost as if my mind was looking for a reason to return me to the "norm" I've been fighting it like mad ever since then.. it keeps trying to creep up on me.. I've done my meditation CD.. started cleaning up around the house to get some activity and nothing seems to be helping..

and I got this horrible thought of what if I am so peaceful because today is the day i'm going to die... Which of course just makes me anxious since one of my biggest fears is death..

I just don't understand how being relaxed and having what I would precieve as a normal morning can be so alarming!!!! and it just seems like such a silly thing to be aprehensive over.. being relaxed and peaceful you'd think i'd be thrilled!

::sighs::

Talia

[ItWillPass]

I can TOTALLY relate to what you said. One day I decided to take some B vitamins, and I actually felt great, almost like a renewed sense of energy... However, feeling great was alarming to me, and once the alarm goes off, panic takes its normal course of action. I dont have any great advice for you, but sometimes it helps to know what you have is a normal anxiety symptom. I also think this occurs a lot around the holliday time. Its just such an artificially happy time of year, it gets almost confusing for us panickers. I really believe thats why people get anxious around holliday time. Everyone is with their family, getting gifts, being happy... it just seems unreal, and that sets the panic alarm off.

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"I hope you never fear those mountains in the distance, never settle for the path of least resistance... When you get the chance to sit it out or dance, I hope you dance"

"This too shall pass..."

[Piglet]

That's a bit like me doing shopping - I can go along really relaxed and then I think to myself how lovely it is to be relaxed and not panicky, and wham, I am suddenly panicky, all because I told myself I wasn't.

Guess we have to let good feelings become a habit rather than the bad feelings. Our memories are long and it takes awhile for the new feelings to become the norm.

Piglet xxxxxxxxx

"Supposing a tree fell down, Pooh, when we were underneath it?" said Piglet.
"Supposing it didn't," said Pooh after careful thought.