guilt/death/fear - I need strength

[skylar]

Hi my dear friends,
I want to say that I appreciate all of you that read this, it is so much easier to talk about things on here than to people in my life. My cousin in law died on saturday. She was only 31. She had been drinking and stopped breathing in her sleep.. my little cousin, her daughter, tried to wake her up in the morning and it was too late. My family is suffering right now and I am overwhelmed with guilt about my anxiety. I am afraid that this could happen to me, or anything could happen to me. I do not want to die, I want to live and love and experience and help people. But i am held back by these feelings.. my heart is beating too fast, will I die? I feel weak today.. am I going to die? I want those thoughts to stop. I want to be strong for my family and strong for strangers and friends and everyone. Where did this weak little girl come from that just wants to curl in a ball? I want to stand straight and strong and put all of my fears behind me so that I can live my life and do the things that I want to do. How do I do it? Gosh, I am so overcome by guilt right now.. I was not that close with her and I feel terrible for people worrying about me when the thoughts and prayers should be with her husband and kids. I dont know what to feel or say or do.. Please some advice or perspective on this? How do I find the strength?

[Maj]

You do it by pointing your body in the right direction and carrying on. Keep yourself busy and active and this will stop you dwelling on things so much. Anxiety sufferers are very self aware, but keeping outside interests will stop any self-pity, which in itself is destructive. I'm so sorry about your cousin-in-law, how tragic a death. This is your chance to make a determined effort to start living life. Speak to your doctor if you need more help.
Myra x

[alias_kev]

Hey Skylar, Really sorry to hear that your are dealing with both a death and your own anxiety. Its a complex set of feelings. I've had both my (all be it elderly) parents die in the last 15 months and even with their age and other medical conditions it was a very complex set of emotions. One was a surprise even though they'd been getting iller for a couple of months and the other was almost a release as their alzheimer's had really reached the worst level you'd want them to live with. So very mixed emotions about them and then I felt wrong having those feelings or no feelings.

I was quite insulated from grief by the meds I was on but it can thrust mortality in your face, when that's something everyone denies in modern society. It affected one of my teenage children quite badly when my dad passed. So I've dealt with it from a few angles if you need to talk about it more.

As an anxiety sufferer its obviously captured both your thoughts and your guilt about both having those and about not helping your family as much as you think you should. As Myra said that's kind of a classic trap for anxiety sufferers. I'll make a few suggestions:

1. If/when you get the peaks of health anxiety, try and recognise consciously that you don't feel any different overall from last week and so its a false fear. Then try to distract yourself in someway so that you break the repetition which is so common in our bad thoughts. Almost anything that stops the thoughts looping in your head is good.
2. At times you feel strong enough do do something to help your family, even if its only babysitting or shopping or making a meal or whatever. Don't over tax yourself or you'll be no use to them the next day!
3. Accept that none of us can do all we'd like, especially anxiety sufferers. I don't mean give up but we often have to work within our limits for now.
4. As a sufferer you may be best placed to listen and support others in their grief and sadness. You already understand how lost/frightened/down they may be feeling. Recognise this strength and experience that you have to offer.

As an anxiety sufferer its very likely that the fast heartbeat and weakness are "only" symptoms of your anxiety/fear/panic. That does not make them nice, but it does mean they are unlikely to harm you. In effect your body is acting as if you are physically running away. Thus the fast heart, rapid breathing, etc. As you're not using that effort you'll actually feel worse than someone who is running, as their body would be in a better balance! If you remain concerned then you are quite entitled to ask your doctor to check you out.

I hope you feel more in control soon. :bighug1:

[Liliana83]

Firstly I would like to say very sorry to hear about your loss. Are you taking any meds for your anxiety? Sometime I too wonder if myself or loved pass away..what I would do? It's an awful thought..and I quickly tell myself ''why do you think such bad thoughts?'' and my thoughts eventually go away. I try to enjoy my life to the fullest and live in the present. I don't like to dwell on negativety in my life. I would also suggest a therapist..if you don't want to deal with prescription drugs.