feelings about my husband!

[mothermac]

I really don't know how I am going to explain how I feel in this post, but I just need to tell someone to see if they could have a different perspective on it, and maybe explain to me why I am experiencing these emotions.I have been married to my husband for 17 years now and our relationship is ok I suppose after all this time,and after the usual,kid,bills,mortgage,etc,you get the picture,however lately I have been feeling strong emotions of dissatisfaction with him and I don't really know why.I do suffer with anxiety that's obvious but sometimes everything annoys me about him.He doesn't put me first a lot of the time and does tend to take me for granted,I suffer from ME and have worked part time in Tesco for the past year simply because I do not want to go to ground and wallow in self pity but when I come in sometimes late at night he doesn't even get up and make me a cup of tea and I get really really annoyed about this.I know you lot will think bloody hell he is only being a man but deep down I know it's because he simply can't be arsed.
There is a lot of resentment under the surface and if I try to talk to him about it he just twists it and says I am nagging without really finding out why I am feeling this way.In my book if you love someone you don't want them to feel upset or let down but he just doesn't get it.
He tends to play on his ds lite a lot of the time and because of family circumstances we don't get any time together on our own,we have never had a holiday and I think it is telling on us.My mother is quite domineering too and pokes her nose into our lives a great deal and he hates it,and he hates the fact he says that a lot of my anxiety has been caused by her in my childhood and maybe this fuels the fire. We don't have a fulfilling relationship in the bedroom dept either as we are both too tired a lot of the time and he has a dreadful snoring problem so sleeps in the other room a lot of the time anyway.I feel that our marriage is stalemate because of all this and when I think of how we were maybe 10 yrs ago there is no comparison.He used to live in Bristol and I was going through my divorce when he returned home,we bumped into each other and went out for a drink,(I have to add here that we have known each other since school and had a on off relationship for years before I got married to someone else and he moved away).I had missed him as we were once great mates and I loved him very much,when we went out again for old times sake it was wonderful,I realised my feelings for him hadn't changed and I still loved him immensley,when he kissed me again it was like being thirsty and suddenly having a long cool drink,that's all I can say.I really want to feel like that again about him but I don't know the way back from this negative vibe I find us in.I am sorry for the long post but my anxiety over these feelings is terrible and I cannot sleep tonight because of it.

[pollyanna]

hi mothermac

im sorry this is causing a lot of anxiety for you at the moment, but i can totally understand why, the good thing is you want to get it back on track to how you felt about him 10 years ago, and you obviously have a lot of history and your love runs deep, the only problem is, to get things back to where they were, needs two people to acknowledge that there is a problem that needs sorting, many men find it diffcult to open up and say what the feel, my husband included, and it can be so frustrating.
i know you have already tried talking to him, with little success, and i know the irritation of being accused of 'nagging', but in my experience, men usually say this when you are saying something they dont want to hear.The only thing i can suggest is that maybe one day when you have had a good day together , you can start a conversation about the good times you have had , and then work round to where you think you are now, and how you would like to get back to that place.
if you feel resentment now, it only festers and gets worse, i thought it was so lovely the way you had written about meeting up with him again and sharing your first kiss, and how it was like a long cool drink after a terrible thirst, i can hear your love for him and want him back. People and relationships change as time goes on, and although we change and become a slightly different people, our relationship changes too, and we have to work at the change and try and grow together, rather than being driven apart.
i hope you can get him to open up and talk about this, because i really think this is your first step, i wish you all the very best, and we are all here to support and listen.

tc

P x

[Anxious_gal]

I hate when men twist things around. I've only had 6 boyfriends and a couple of short term dating/getting to you know type things.
I've really noticed the acting dumb like they have n clue what your talking about!
I think maybe write him a letter, I find it so hard to tell a man when he has upset me as I feel like he will turn every thing around or tell me I'm over reacting.
you could always try counselling?
definitely go away for a night, have a meal book a room and see how it goes :-)

[alias_kev]

If you can get some kind of dialogue going, at least enough to acknowledge that there is a problem then its well worth trying Relate. If you get the right councilor for both of you to open up to they can help a lot. Its like having a neutral referee or debating via a chairman. It diffuses a lot of the "but you saids" and "potential conflict".

Its very easy to get into a rut, and much harder for either of you to get out.

[mothermac]

Thanks guys for all your advice.I have mentioned Relate once or twice but he doesn't bite on that one and I wouldn't force him into it.He isn't in good health at the moment as he suffers from IBS a great deal so that makes him snappy at times.I know that I can sometimes be difficult to live with,what with my anxiety and ME so it isn't just him that causes the problems but I just want so much to get back some of us into our lives.We have become Mum and Dad and we are not Lesley and Gary anymore,our identities seem to have shrivelled and died somewhat.I hear a lot of people on here saying that you cannot keep the fairytale alive all the time after 17 yrs of marriage and I don't expect too I just need to feel like a woman again and to have him desire me and want to help me like he used too.I am going to see my counsellor next week who is going to help with the negative thoughts I get from my ME so I will keep you all posted as to what she makes of it.