Really need help and advice

[Primula]

Hi I'm new to the site. Although I have been reading all the info on here for a long time. This is my story.

I've always been an anxious person, since I was a child, but it didn't really affect my life that much. I started having panic attacks when I was about 27, I was phobic about getting married to my husband of 19 years (whom I love very much) as I was scared to leave my widowed mum on her own. Overcame that, and was happy. Then started having panics about being ill with cancer (dad died of cancer when I was 17), too frightened to go to doc, for 2 years. Eventually plucked up courage, and was relieved to be told nothing wrong. This comforted me for a few years, in which time I managed to have 2 children without worrying too much about my health.

When I was 37 started worrying on and off about my health, and did have a gallbladder problem which was operated on successfully, but this shook me up, and started really obsessing about all different symptoms, and also panicking about my kids and husbands health.

Read all sorts of self help books, and they did help for a while, but the terrible fear kept coming back, until I gave up and went to docs, who did blood tests to ensure nothing wrong (nothing was wrong). I was still worried, so he suggested Citalopram in 2003. This worked really well, and for the first time in years I was enjoying life. Came off ADs 18 months later, but 3 months after anxiety came back full force. Panicked and started ADs again, also CBT, and life got back on an even keel.

Doc suggested I came off ADs again this Spring, so I reduced dose slowly over a month, and had no side effects, but now 2 weeks after being off them and thinking I'd cracked it, anxiety back with a vengeance. I gave in and started taking 10mg cit that I had left over. Got an appt to see Doc next week. Just hoping ADs will work again.

I feel such a failure to take ADs again, thought I had all the coping tools in place, but it would seem not. I would love to be able to cope without ADs. My fear is that they will not work anymore, also scared about long term use, and also scared that I'll never get CBT to work, and that I'' be stuck in this terrible anxiety, which is now taking over all areas of my life not just health.

Any help would be greatly appreciated.

[nomorepanic]

Hi Primula

We just wanted to welcome you aboard to NMP. We hope you enjoy your stay here and get all the support and advice you need.

Please take some time to read the website articles on the left as well for loads of advice and tips.

[alias_kev]

Hey Primula. Just noticed no-one had replied properly, so here goes.

Amused aside: at first I thought you had a toy boy, then I think I worked out you've been married for 19 years?!?!

Anyway - it certainly sounds like you need the A/Ds for now and that it hasn't suited you to come off them several times.

There may be an argument for weaning off them much slower than Drs or the makers suggest. That is reducing the dose by the smallest amount possible and holding that for at least two weeks and ensuring you feel emotionally stable too. Only then repeating the reduction. Our brains do probably adapt to the chemical levels the meds produce and so taking those away is bound to cause some degree of relapse. Its like taking a long term splint off a leg and wondering why the patient falls over.

I've often had doubts about long term use, like you have, but on the other hand if the alternative is being terrified or unable to function maybe there is less problem than we or the medics think. After all no-one says to the type 1 diabetic - "Oh, you and that insulin, you'd better come off it!".

I think CBT can be a big help, even if its only part of a bigger picture. There is a degree of you having to be receptive to it, so doubting it may not help your progress with it. There is an Australian site with some CBT self help material which might help you.

Noting what else you've said you also reveal a strong sense of responsibility/guilt to others (your mother) and that may fuel your anxiety and health phobia (as you now have mother/husband/children). You also lost your dad, which maybe you are still overwhelmed by and fear the same for your children or something? Do you sense any pattern in your fears/panics or what triggers them?

Anyway I hope that helps a bit.