183
29-03-10, 23:32
Hello everyone,
I have nobody to talk to in real life and I'm a "bottler-upper" anyway, so here I am, about to bare all to some strangers...
I'm going to let it all out, I will feel bad if you waste your time reading it though, I'm just hoping saying it out loud (kind of) will give me a revelation and set me back to normal.
I'm 26 year old male who has had anxiety issues with IBS for a long time. As I've got older I've accepted who I am and that's life. I'm actually a pretty down to earth bloke, but at the moment I'm in a terrible cycle which I need to break out of. Which I KNOW is silly, so why can't I control my own mind?!
I've never told anyone this before but the main root of my anxiety problems and everything else that leads on from it, is that I have a fear of getting ill. And not just any illness, it has to do with my digestive system. Belly aches, diarreah, cramps, constipation, the thought of getting any of these symptoms strikes fear into my very soul. Strangly enough being sick doesn't bother me, it's anything to do with the 'other end'. I imagine situations where I get ill and end up needing poos where I can't go, like on a plane, or in a meeting at work, or a long car journey, or sat on a beach, or sat on a train. If anyone ever asks me to do any of these things, the first thing that comes into my head is "what if i need the toilet". Now I dunno if it's cos i've got IBS so it causes anxiety, or if it's anxiety that's causing the IBS!! I've also got a habit of overcooking everything because i'm scared of undercooking food and being ill. I literally cook meat till it's black otherwise I panic once it's in my belly, and sometimes I even make myself sick if I think maybe it werent done enough. I even had some cucumber in my sandwich the other week and thought after "that was in the fridge a while actually" then spent the rest of the day panicking that i was going to have sickness+diarreah. i was fine!
So, I finally get my balance (my head) sorted, pretty much went for the whole of 2009 without panicking about anything... I had girlfriends, went camping, slept rough at a festival, got in fights, arguments, spent loads of money, travelled places (not abroad though), had a constant laugh without a care in the world. My IBS would appear after certain foods but rarely from anxiety.
I learnt to ignore emotions, putting up a hard face in any situation, stress at home I ignored, my dad having a mild stroke, i ignored, having to have a tooth pulled out (one of my biggest fears), trained myself not to be bothered about anything, so i could concentrate on having a laugh and enjoying life!
It gets to December and the "big freeze happens", things were about to change for me around this point after a series of events...
I live in a town and work out in the countryside, so i drove to work no problem, when i left at 5:30pm the big freeze had happened, cars skidding all over the place, i found myself panicking as i couldnt control my car and couldnt see anything, i was so scared and suddenly emotions came out, i was shaking loads and crying as i was driving along, eventually stopping at a queue of traffic, calmed myself, waited for about an hour before giving up and abandoning my car and walking 8 miles home in knee deep snow down pitch black country lanes, cars everwhere, little kids crying. The whole experience proper shook me up. then the next couple of weeks i felt so trapped cos the roads were so dangerous, i couldnt ride my bike to any of my mates houses, walking anywhere was so much hard work.
THEN i had my swine flu and flu jabs, which i wasn't confident about anyway as i think it's a load of rubbish but everyone convinced me to have them. i did, and seemed to actually get some sort of flu from them!
and still to this day (3 months later) get sharp pains in my left arm. is it all in my head? can me THINKING the jabs have damaged my arm make the pain real? it also feels swollen under my left armpit all the time. for the first month after the jabs i kept panicking thinking "oh why did i trust the hype and have this swine flu jab, i could have anything in my body now, it could develop into anything", i even panicked at times about swine flu being a conspiracy and it's the government injecting us with stuff to try and change us in some way (i dunno, rediculous i know).
Then xmas came and i always get depressed at xmas and new year, it just doesn't mean anything to me and it's all so fake and dark. around the xmas period i knew something was proper wrong cos i started getting panic attacks, what basically happens is im in my room and everything goes all weird in my eyes and i dont like it, i cant even describe it. and i feel sick and get stomach cramps and feel weak and tired but everythings all multicoloured in my eyes, so i'd say to my mum im going for a walk, walk around the block for an hour, sit back in my room and it would happen again. it's like i need to escape from this situation but it's following me. i can't have anyone around me when it happens, when my mum tries to talk to me i cant look at her and i cant stay still i have to keep walking away from her. same with anyone, not just my mum. i don't even have anything on my mind when it happens really. i just know i don't like it. eventually after walking for hours i've worn myself out and calmed down that i lie in bed and fall asleep.
so, since new year i've been suffering from constipation, for THREE MONTHS!! i hate doctors so i read on the internet about upping my fibre, this made me worse. and when i had anxiety attacks, because im constipated i cant relieve the cramps. before i used to just do a poo and then calm down after, now it feels like my whole bodys gonna explode. I
don't understand what's changed, and what else I can do cos i've always eated fibre and exercised daily and i dont smoke, i do everything to the book for a decent diet to avoid constipation. i went doctors 2 weeks ago whos given me lactulose to soften it but the anxiety has taken it's toll on me, nearly 4 months of panicking (and i've only realised today that it was panicking) and i dont feel good at all.
i can't remember the last time i actually relaxed. the constant anxiety has made me do things to try and take my mind off it, clean my room, clean my car, do paperwork for work, clean me, play playstation, watch TV, sell things, buy things, even when im lying in bed i have my music on. i literally can't stay still in silence cos i feel like i have no control over my mind. im always waggling my legs cos i can't keep still, i spend all day and night having stomach cramps, my eyes are blurry and weird and bright colours, i can't concentrate on anything, my hands are shaking, sometimes my whole body, i'm physically exhausted from bottling up so many stupid thoughts and repeating them. i've never had constipation before ever so don't know how it's happened. has the jabs caused an inbalance in my system? has the impact of the big freeze situation messed me up? it really was like a scene from a disaster movie!!! how can i turn this around? is it because i've bottled up feelings for a whole year and avoided emotional situations? i can't relax, i ignore phone calls from all my friends and just sit in my room by myself. i used to be out on my bike every night keeping fit, socialising all the time, had big plans of moving out, going on holiday etc, now i just feel like i can't do anything. maybe i need to cry, but i dont know how to!
I feel completely stuck and alone in a terrible downward spiral and i've got nobody to help me! I will NEVER take medication for my mind. I can sort this myself naturally! Just need to break the cycle. Main factors = need to solve this constipation, need to get over flu and swine flu jabs. longer term i need to get over this fear of being ill with my digestive system. i sound so pathetic. what a complete mess of a man.
Sorry for the essay everyone.
183.
I have nobody to talk to in real life and I'm a "bottler-upper" anyway, so here I am, about to bare all to some strangers...
I'm going to let it all out, I will feel bad if you waste your time reading it though, I'm just hoping saying it out loud (kind of) will give me a revelation and set me back to normal.
I'm 26 year old male who has had anxiety issues with IBS for a long time. As I've got older I've accepted who I am and that's life. I'm actually a pretty down to earth bloke, but at the moment I'm in a terrible cycle which I need to break out of. Which I KNOW is silly, so why can't I control my own mind?!
I've never told anyone this before but the main root of my anxiety problems and everything else that leads on from it, is that I have a fear of getting ill. And not just any illness, it has to do with my digestive system. Belly aches, diarreah, cramps, constipation, the thought of getting any of these symptoms strikes fear into my very soul. Strangly enough being sick doesn't bother me, it's anything to do with the 'other end'. I imagine situations where I get ill and end up needing poos where I can't go, like on a plane, or in a meeting at work, or a long car journey, or sat on a beach, or sat on a train. If anyone ever asks me to do any of these things, the first thing that comes into my head is "what if i need the toilet". Now I dunno if it's cos i've got IBS so it causes anxiety, or if it's anxiety that's causing the IBS!! I've also got a habit of overcooking everything because i'm scared of undercooking food and being ill. I literally cook meat till it's black otherwise I panic once it's in my belly, and sometimes I even make myself sick if I think maybe it werent done enough. I even had some cucumber in my sandwich the other week and thought after "that was in the fridge a while actually" then spent the rest of the day panicking that i was going to have sickness+diarreah. i was fine!
So, I finally get my balance (my head) sorted, pretty much went for the whole of 2009 without panicking about anything... I had girlfriends, went camping, slept rough at a festival, got in fights, arguments, spent loads of money, travelled places (not abroad though), had a constant laugh without a care in the world. My IBS would appear after certain foods but rarely from anxiety.
I learnt to ignore emotions, putting up a hard face in any situation, stress at home I ignored, my dad having a mild stroke, i ignored, having to have a tooth pulled out (one of my biggest fears), trained myself not to be bothered about anything, so i could concentrate on having a laugh and enjoying life!
It gets to December and the "big freeze happens", things were about to change for me around this point after a series of events...
I live in a town and work out in the countryside, so i drove to work no problem, when i left at 5:30pm the big freeze had happened, cars skidding all over the place, i found myself panicking as i couldnt control my car and couldnt see anything, i was so scared and suddenly emotions came out, i was shaking loads and crying as i was driving along, eventually stopping at a queue of traffic, calmed myself, waited for about an hour before giving up and abandoning my car and walking 8 miles home in knee deep snow down pitch black country lanes, cars everwhere, little kids crying. The whole experience proper shook me up. then the next couple of weeks i felt so trapped cos the roads were so dangerous, i couldnt ride my bike to any of my mates houses, walking anywhere was so much hard work.
THEN i had my swine flu and flu jabs, which i wasn't confident about anyway as i think it's a load of rubbish but everyone convinced me to have them. i did, and seemed to actually get some sort of flu from them!
and still to this day (3 months later) get sharp pains in my left arm. is it all in my head? can me THINKING the jabs have damaged my arm make the pain real? it also feels swollen under my left armpit all the time. for the first month after the jabs i kept panicking thinking "oh why did i trust the hype and have this swine flu jab, i could have anything in my body now, it could develop into anything", i even panicked at times about swine flu being a conspiracy and it's the government injecting us with stuff to try and change us in some way (i dunno, rediculous i know).
Then xmas came and i always get depressed at xmas and new year, it just doesn't mean anything to me and it's all so fake and dark. around the xmas period i knew something was proper wrong cos i started getting panic attacks, what basically happens is im in my room and everything goes all weird in my eyes and i dont like it, i cant even describe it. and i feel sick and get stomach cramps and feel weak and tired but everythings all multicoloured in my eyes, so i'd say to my mum im going for a walk, walk around the block for an hour, sit back in my room and it would happen again. it's like i need to escape from this situation but it's following me. i can't have anyone around me when it happens, when my mum tries to talk to me i cant look at her and i cant stay still i have to keep walking away from her. same with anyone, not just my mum. i don't even have anything on my mind when it happens really. i just know i don't like it. eventually after walking for hours i've worn myself out and calmed down that i lie in bed and fall asleep.
so, since new year i've been suffering from constipation, for THREE MONTHS!! i hate doctors so i read on the internet about upping my fibre, this made me worse. and when i had anxiety attacks, because im constipated i cant relieve the cramps. before i used to just do a poo and then calm down after, now it feels like my whole bodys gonna explode. I
don't understand what's changed, and what else I can do cos i've always eated fibre and exercised daily and i dont smoke, i do everything to the book for a decent diet to avoid constipation. i went doctors 2 weeks ago whos given me lactulose to soften it but the anxiety has taken it's toll on me, nearly 4 months of panicking (and i've only realised today that it was panicking) and i dont feel good at all.
i can't remember the last time i actually relaxed. the constant anxiety has made me do things to try and take my mind off it, clean my room, clean my car, do paperwork for work, clean me, play playstation, watch TV, sell things, buy things, even when im lying in bed i have my music on. i literally can't stay still in silence cos i feel like i have no control over my mind. im always waggling my legs cos i can't keep still, i spend all day and night having stomach cramps, my eyes are blurry and weird and bright colours, i can't concentrate on anything, my hands are shaking, sometimes my whole body, i'm physically exhausted from bottling up so many stupid thoughts and repeating them. i've never had constipation before ever so don't know how it's happened. has the jabs caused an inbalance in my system? has the impact of the big freeze situation messed me up? it really was like a scene from a disaster movie!!! how can i turn this around? is it because i've bottled up feelings for a whole year and avoided emotional situations? i can't relax, i ignore phone calls from all my friends and just sit in my room by myself. i used to be out on my bike every night keeping fit, socialising all the time, had big plans of moving out, going on holiday etc, now i just feel like i can't do anything. maybe i need to cry, but i dont know how to!
I feel completely stuck and alone in a terrible downward spiral and i've got nobody to help me! I will NEVER take medication for my mind. I can sort this myself naturally! Just need to break the cycle. Main factors = need to solve this constipation, need to get over flu and swine flu jabs. longer term i need to get over this fear of being ill with my digestive system. i sound so pathetic. what a complete mess of a man.
Sorry for the essay everyone.
183.