Corye20
01-04-10, 22:41
My OCD, my personal hell
You see OCD plays with the things that worry you the most; they are thoughts, nothing more – I know this. However, they are intrusive, uninvited and very demanding. They start off pushing at you, just at the back of your mind – you try to ignore them, but they start pushing harder until they can no longer be ignored. You would think that, like an uninvited guest to your house or office, that if you ignored them long enough they would go away. That’s not the case with OCD, the thoughts cannot simply be ignored – they won’t let that happen. I talk about them as if “they” are a separate entity – they are not, they are like any thought that goes through your mind, but these thoughts persist, and linger.
OCD is often known as the doubting disease, and that’s a good name for it, it sums up the overall idea of the condition. You doubt things, you doubt the fact that you do not have HIV, you doubt the fact that you do not have Syphilis, you doubt the fact that your not Obese and the list just goes on.
What causes these obsessions? Something as simple as reading a simple list of routine blood work your wife is getting can set you off in a specific direction. You’re never sure why you have latched onto this one single piece of information, but it’s happened. You may remember something that was said years ago, and that little thought can start an obsession. I have no idea why this happens, but it does and there is no input, it is what it is.
What are the compulsions all about? Well, it’s a never ending search to find something that disagrees with your obsession. So for instance, researching HIV – all the facts support that I do not have it, and for that moment I am relieved. However, it’s usually short lived – days, hours, minutes, even for only a second. I could have the blood test done, but that’s not the answer – that’s just feeding my Obsession. Or weighing yourself every chance you get to see if you’ve lost weight, measuring to see where the weight was lost from, counting every calorie – pushing yourself until there’s nothing left to push. But every time these activities are done, you feel good for a moment.
It’s interesting that you can go from so bad, to reasonably well and then back to bad. I guess just like addiction or anything else there is always that lurking possibility of relapsing. I find myself in that relapse stage at the moment.
Why don’t you talk more openly about this? People can only hear the same things so many times before they get bored of listening to it – you become a broken record. It wears down the people you love, the people who care about you. You can see it happening; you can see it affecting your family. You tell yourself, I’m strong enough to stop this, and start to internalize things – you become depressed because you are so overwhelmed with thoughts. You then tell yourself to snap out of it because you have a family to look after and you try to put on a façade that you are ok, but your not.
Why would anyone ever hurt themselves? That’s a good question, in itself it seems like a psychotic thing to do – and maybe it is. But there are times that you get to a point where the pain in your mind is so great you need relief – but how, start drinking? Start recreational drugs? No those will just make things worst and I can’t do that to my family. Then why turn to harming oneself, if you can’t do the others? Well believe it or not hurting yourself is the last thing anyone wants to do, even someone like me. But, when you burn yourself and you feel the pain – your mind is clear, if even for a moment, you are at peace.
Aren’t you taking your medication properly? Yes I do, and wow does it make a difference, but for some reason once and a while I reset back to square one. Taking all that medication everyday and the way it makes you feel is absolutely horrible. You wake up in the middle of the night to go to the washroom and you can hardly stand. They say that the medicine will also help with the dreams, if that’s what they can be called. The reality is that it doesn’t, the other reality is that you have to take it in order to stay asleep or to even get to sleep. So there is no winner in this battle. You simply take the medicine and deal with the side effects – because in the long run it’s not about you or how you feel – but it’s about your family and loved ones that matter. You eventually get used to being tired all the time and hardly functioning, but you have to keep plugging along. People rely on you, they need you – you can’t let these people down.
Does anyone really understand? No, I really don’t think anyone understands the hell that it truly is, because that is what a typical day is when it’s bad – its hell. People say they understand but how can anyone understand something that isn’t logical – isn’t normal?
Am I crazy – no, no I am not. Am I dangerous to others – absolutely not. Do I enjoy any of this? No it makes me absolutely miserable and horrified. But I don’t know what to do.
You see OCD plays with the things that worry you the most; they are thoughts, nothing more – I know this. However, they are intrusive, uninvited and very demanding. They start off pushing at you, just at the back of your mind – you try to ignore them, but they start pushing harder until they can no longer be ignored. You would think that, like an uninvited guest to your house or office, that if you ignored them long enough they would go away. That’s not the case with OCD, the thoughts cannot simply be ignored – they won’t let that happen. I talk about them as if “they” are a separate entity – they are not, they are like any thought that goes through your mind, but these thoughts persist, and linger.
OCD is often known as the doubting disease, and that’s a good name for it, it sums up the overall idea of the condition. You doubt things, you doubt the fact that you do not have HIV, you doubt the fact that you do not have Syphilis, you doubt the fact that your not Obese and the list just goes on.
What causes these obsessions? Something as simple as reading a simple list of routine blood work your wife is getting can set you off in a specific direction. You’re never sure why you have latched onto this one single piece of information, but it’s happened. You may remember something that was said years ago, and that little thought can start an obsession. I have no idea why this happens, but it does and there is no input, it is what it is.
What are the compulsions all about? Well, it’s a never ending search to find something that disagrees with your obsession. So for instance, researching HIV – all the facts support that I do not have it, and for that moment I am relieved. However, it’s usually short lived – days, hours, minutes, even for only a second. I could have the blood test done, but that’s not the answer – that’s just feeding my Obsession. Or weighing yourself every chance you get to see if you’ve lost weight, measuring to see where the weight was lost from, counting every calorie – pushing yourself until there’s nothing left to push. But every time these activities are done, you feel good for a moment.
It’s interesting that you can go from so bad, to reasonably well and then back to bad. I guess just like addiction or anything else there is always that lurking possibility of relapsing. I find myself in that relapse stage at the moment.
Why don’t you talk more openly about this? People can only hear the same things so many times before they get bored of listening to it – you become a broken record. It wears down the people you love, the people who care about you. You can see it happening; you can see it affecting your family. You tell yourself, I’m strong enough to stop this, and start to internalize things – you become depressed because you are so overwhelmed with thoughts. You then tell yourself to snap out of it because you have a family to look after and you try to put on a façade that you are ok, but your not.
Why would anyone ever hurt themselves? That’s a good question, in itself it seems like a psychotic thing to do – and maybe it is. But there are times that you get to a point where the pain in your mind is so great you need relief – but how, start drinking? Start recreational drugs? No those will just make things worst and I can’t do that to my family. Then why turn to harming oneself, if you can’t do the others? Well believe it or not hurting yourself is the last thing anyone wants to do, even someone like me. But, when you burn yourself and you feel the pain – your mind is clear, if even for a moment, you are at peace.
Aren’t you taking your medication properly? Yes I do, and wow does it make a difference, but for some reason once and a while I reset back to square one. Taking all that medication everyday and the way it makes you feel is absolutely horrible. You wake up in the middle of the night to go to the washroom and you can hardly stand. They say that the medicine will also help with the dreams, if that’s what they can be called. The reality is that it doesn’t, the other reality is that you have to take it in order to stay asleep or to even get to sleep. So there is no winner in this battle. You simply take the medicine and deal with the side effects – because in the long run it’s not about you or how you feel – but it’s about your family and loved ones that matter. You eventually get used to being tired all the time and hardly functioning, but you have to keep plugging along. People rely on you, they need you – you can’t let these people down.
Does anyone really understand? No, I really don’t think anyone understands the hell that it truly is, because that is what a typical day is when it’s bad – its hell. People say they understand but how can anyone understand something that isn’t logical – isn’t normal?
Am I crazy – no, no I am not. Am I dangerous to others – absolutely not. Do I enjoy any of this? No it makes me absolutely miserable and horrified. But I don’t know what to do.