panicdiva
03-04-10, 22:45
My husband has been offerred a job abroad with a fantastic salary that would set us up for the rest of our lives. ( he only wants to do it for 3 - 5 yrs) Both our kids are getting near the age where the possibility of University is looming (and the eldest really wants to go). So this big salary would help us alot. He is in a job but all the benefits and extras have gradually been taken away over the years and my husband sees no future there.
However, I have suffered from anxiety since my 2nd child was born almost 12 yrs ago. I have had lots of bad periods, but have had lots of good periods too. Every single holiday we have went on here & abroad has been an ordeal for me as my anxiety levels go through the roof. Although, I always go through with it.
So, 2 things are looming before me. Our holiday at the end of June which requires us to take an 8 1/2 hr flight. And my husband wishing to accept this job which will mean he will be away for 3 months at a time. We could all go but eldest son sitting his highers next yr so can't do that.
This has all been going on since middle of Jan. and my anxiety has gone through the roof again. One minute I'm ok about it all & feeling positive, the next I am totally negative again and I have been crying alot!!! I do not want him to go and I don't want to go on holiday. But, my anxiety is getting worse because I don't want to stop my husband and I don't want to let the kids down about the holiday (last yr we had to cancel due to husband not getting bonus at work). But this year we have saved so money would not be reason to cancel.
I have had 3 visits with a hypnotherapist and been trying all kinds of things to help me through this anxiety.
Things all came to a head tonight when both kids were out. I have been having thoughts that I wish I could go to sleep & never wake up, because I can't face any of this anymore. I can't fight this anymore. I can't stand having these constant flucuating moods but equally I can't stand the thought of letting my family down. So I told my husband my thoughts and I have not been able to stop crying since. He has said that we will cancel holiday and that he does not have to take the job. (every time in the past few weeks that I have told him I would rather he did not go, he has told me that it will be ok and that I will get used to it and the long term benefit will be good for us all.)
But I feel even worse now because he really wanted to do this and the kids really want to go on holiday (my daughter keeps telling me how excited she is about it).
So I still can't stop crying because I feel such a complete and utter failure and I'm so angry with myself for giving in to this!!! But I don't know what to do. I feel totally alone and feel there is no one to turn to. I know I could go to doc but he has never been good with my anxiety. and quite honestly it will not take away the anxiety I have about husband's job. I just can't stand the thought of him being away for 3 months at a time and only home for 2 wks. he kept saying we could go visit him for school hols but that would mean me travelling with kids on my own!!!! I find it hard enough to do that with him with me never mind without him. So my anxiety levels going up again. We are a close family and we have been married for 21 yrs so to say that it would be a wrench with him being away, is putting it mildly.
It's like he has never really realised just how bad anxiety can be. I have kept alot of it to myself but he does know how much my anxiety increases when we go away. I told him tonight that when we are on holiday I constantly fight the positive & negative feelings and often I have wished I was not here so I did not have to face these feelings.
I just can't stop crying because I am letting my whole family down and what kind of example am I for them? I just wish I could be normal. I just wish I could do what my husband said tonight and that is: what is there to be scared of? Just tell yourself I won't be scared anymore. Just change your thoughts. I said, if only it were that easy? Do you not think that if it was that easy that I would do that? Yes sometimes it does work, but when the anxiety really kicks in, my head just can't see clearly or think clearly so the negative thoughts win.
Have been wanting to write about his since he first spoke about applying for the job but kept feeling that if I did I would be giving in to my fears. As it has all come to a head tonight and I can't stop crying, I felt this was the only place to turn to.
Thanks for listening.
However, I have suffered from anxiety since my 2nd child was born almost 12 yrs ago. I have had lots of bad periods, but have had lots of good periods too. Every single holiday we have went on here & abroad has been an ordeal for me as my anxiety levels go through the roof. Although, I always go through with it.
So, 2 things are looming before me. Our holiday at the end of June which requires us to take an 8 1/2 hr flight. And my husband wishing to accept this job which will mean he will be away for 3 months at a time. We could all go but eldest son sitting his highers next yr so can't do that.
This has all been going on since middle of Jan. and my anxiety has gone through the roof again. One minute I'm ok about it all & feeling positive, the next I am totally negative again and I have been crying alot!!! I do not want him to go and I don't want to go on holiday. But, my anxiety is getting worse because I don't want to stop my husband and I don't want to let the kids down about the holiday (last yr we had to cancel due to husband not getting bonus at work). But this year we have saved so money would not be reason to cancel.
I have had 3 visits with a hypnotherapist and been trying all kinds of things to help me through this anxiety.
Things all came to a head tonight when both kids were out. I have been having thoughts that I wish I could go to sleep & never wake up, because I can't face any of this anymore. I can't fight this anymore. I can't stand having these constant flucuating moods but equally I can't stand the thought of letting my family down. So I told my husband my thoughts and I have not been able to stop crying since. He has said that we will cancel holiday and that he does not have to take the job. (every time in the past few weeks that I have told him I would rather he did not go, he has told me that it will be ok and that I will get used to it and the long term benefit will be good for us all.)
But I feel even worse now because he really wanted to do this and the kids really want to go on holiday (my daughter keeps telling me how excited she is about it).
So I still can't stop crying because I feel such a complete and utter failure and I'm so angry with myself for giving in to this!!! But I don't know what to do. I feel totally alone and feel there is no one to turn to. I know I could go to doc but he has never been good with my anxiety. and quite honestly it will not take away the anxiety I have about husband's job. I just can't stand the thought of him being away for 3 months at a time and only home for 2 wks. he kept saying we could go visit him for school hols but that would mean me travelling with kids on my own!!!! I find it hard enough to do that with him with me never mind without him. So my anxiety levels going up again. We are a close family and we have been married for 21 yrs so to say that it would be a wrench with him being away, is putting it mildly.
It's like he has never really realised just how bad anxiety can be. I have kept alot of it to myself but he does know how much my anxiety increases when we go away. I told him tonight that when we are on holiday I constantly fight the positive & negative feelings and often I have wished I was not here so I did not have to face these feelings.
I just can't stop crying because I am letting my whole family down and what kind of example am I for them? I just wish I could be normal. I just wish I could do what my husband said tonight and that is: what is there to be scared of? Just tell yourself I won't be scared anymore. Just change your thoughts. I said, if only it were that easy? Do you not think that if it was that easy that I would do that? Yes sometimes it does work, but when the anxiety really kicks in, my head just can't see clearly or think clearly so the negative thoughts win.
Have been wanting to write about his since he first spoke about applying for the job but kept feeling that if I did I would be giving in to my fears. As it has all come to a head tonight and I can't stop crying, I felt this was the only place to turn to.
Thanks for listening.