Confused-and-sadx
04-04-10, 16:32
Hey guys, i have been lurking for a long while now and have finally decided to post my story, please bare with me as i don't quite know what i am gonna write yet lol.
I have always been a very anxious person, as a kid i had extreme seperation anxiety from my mum, i always thought i was ill, i was terrified of going to school etc. But the real problems started about age 13, basically i discovered online chat rooms, to cut a long story short i formed some friendships online and completely cut off my outside life, i never went out with people anymore, i stopped all my hobbies and just spent all my time on the computer.
I formed a relationship with a boy who broke my heart and i went into a deep deep depression aged 14,i ended up dropping out of school because i would just sit and cry all day, i became angry with the teachers, i had major panic attacks every morning and wanted to kill myself if im honest. It was a long horrible time, i went to see a therapist but it done nothing and i quit. Fast forward about a year and a half later i was feeling a little better and got a job volunteering at a horse riding stables, was eventually offered a paid internship,my confidence grew and things were on the up :)
But then my anxiety kicked in and i started crying whenever i done something wrong at work, no matter how silly or imagined, i would worry every night that i wasn't good enough for the job and so i quit. I regret it till this day and would deeply love to go back but i cannot find the courage to ring the lady even though she was very nice. So there i was at 16, again i turned back to the internet for some kind of comfort. I met a guy.... lol yes you can see where i am going, well anyway this is a good thing, it has developed into a wonderful relationship of 1 year 5 months and is the only good thing i have in my life but the trouble is... it is a long distance relationship. with most of our time spent apart , this is not always good for my anxiety. I have very intense emotions.
We spend basically all of our day together, he works nights and comes home between 5-7am ish, we put our webcams straight on and they don't go off untill he leaves for work again at 10pm. I panic if they go off, i feel sick.
In the past whenever i have worried about our relationship, usually for no good reason, i stop eating for days. I now don;t want to get a full time job again because i can't leave him, i need him to be here with me all the time and bless him he is good about it, if i am honest he probably relies on me abit too now, although not as much LOL.
I would love to go and stay with him but here is the other problem, my nan was recently diagnosed with breast cancer, she is going through radiation, and now my mum has found a lump in her breast too so i am freaking out for her, she has a mammogram in a few days!! I am a major hypochondriac and i have been convinced i have got many many diseases so this is one of the worst things that can ever happen. I also have bad panic attacks which started last summer ( on my 18th birthday to be exact lol)
I was seeing a therapist again just before the christmas just gone but that came to an end and i thought i was better, but i am not. I am worst than ever and i am so so so lonely! I would love to make some friends here, you all seem a lovely bunch.
PS- i apoligise if my post didnt make much sense i just have so much to say and don't know how to get it all out there lol.
I have always been a very anxious person, as a kid i had extreme seperation anxiety from my mum, i always thought i was ill, i was terrified of going to school etc. But the real problems started about age 13, basically i discovered online chat rooms, to cut a long story short i formed some friendships online and completely cut off my outside life, i never went out with people anymore, i stopped all my hobbies and just spent all my time on the computer.
I formed a relationship with a boy who broke my heart and i went into a deep deep depression aged 14,i ended up dropping out of school because i would just sit and cry all day, i became angry with the teachers, i had major panic attacks every morning and wanted to kill myself if im honest. It was a long horrible time, i went to see a therapist but it done nothing and i quit. Fast forward about a year and a half later i was feeling a little better and got a job volunteering at a horse riding stables, was eventually offered a paid internship,my confidence grew and things were on the up :)
But then my anxiety kicked in and i started crying whenever i done something wrong at work, no matter how silly or imagined, i would worry every night that i wasn't good enough for the job and so i quit. I regret it till this day and would deeply love to go back but i cannot find the courage to ring the lady even though she was very nice. So there i was at 16, again i turned back to the internet for some kind of comfort. I met a guy.... lol yes you can see where i am going, well anyway this is a good thing, it has developed into a wonderful relationship of 1 year 5 months and is the only good thing i have in my life but the trouble is... it is a long distance relationship. with most of our time spent apart , this is not always good for my anxiety. I have very intense emotions.
We spend basically all of our day together, he works nights and comes home between 5-7am ish, we put our webcams straight on and they don't go off untill he leaves for work again at 10pm. I panic if they go off, i feel sick.
In the past whenever i have worried about our relationship, usually for no good reason, i stop eating for days. I now don;t want to get a full time job again because i can't leave him, i need him to be here with me all the time and bless him he is good about it, if i am honest he probably relies on me abit too now, although not as much LOL.
I would love to go and stay with him but here is the other problem, my nan was recently diagnosed with breast cancer, she is going through radiation, and now my mum has found a lump in her breast too so i am freaking out for her, she has a mammogram in a few days!! I am a major hypochondriac and i have been convinced i have got many many diseases so this is one of the worst things that can ever happen. I also have bad panic attacks which started last summer ( on my 18th birthday to be exact lol)
I was seeing a therapist again just before the christmas just gone but that came to an end and i thought i was better, but i am not. I am worst than ever and i am so so so lonely! I would love to make some friends here, you all seem a lovely bunch.
PS- i apoligise if my post didnt make much sense i just have so much to say and don't know how to get it all out there lol.