freddy
05-04-10, 14:24
Hi, My name is Fredrik.
I have had depression coming from low self esteem as long as I remember, atleast for the last 20-25 years. I come from a family of doctors, and have been taught since I was kid that going taking any medication(and in my mind laos going to the doctor) was the last resort. This was obviously meant for physical illnesses, where rest could solve most anything. I took penicillin for the first time ever last week only. That only says a little bit how little medication I have taken.
I think however this is what have made my depression worse. I haven't been able to visit a doctor, without thinking that all my relatives will know of my depression and loneliness, which I have been ashamed of.
I made quite a few friends when I was kid, but I kept loosing them as soon as something went bad between us, I never ever "made up" again with a friend I lost. I have never had anyone I can confide myself with and because of this I keep holding thought to myself and when I face an obsticle, I feel like I am useless and give up without even trying.
I have a masters degree in computer science, but this has been done without much enthusiasm, so I more or less dont remember anything from my studies.
The only thing that keeps me afloat is my job. But I have never been able ot keep the same job more than a couple of years. I have never been let go. But I have felt bored and unwanted at work or by my colleges and decided its time to move on to another job, preferably in another city where I dont know anyone, cutting all my ties to my previous life. I have never had any problems finding another job. But that would probably be because I always aimed for jobs I was over qualified for.
If there is a longer holiday coming, I get very depressed as there is nothing that keeps me from staying in my own place all day. It can be a bright and sunny day outside, but I still sit inside by my computer doing basically nothing but feeling sad for myself.
If I decide to go out, I do it mostly by myself, still being outside feeling sorry for myself.
If I actually do call somebody asking if they want to join me, I always am quiet, looking and feeling tired/bored. I seem incapable of actually interact in a proper discussion or chat when being with somebody. What usually happens is that my mind starts drifting in the mids of a discussion, and I have paid absolutely no attention of what my friend said. But ofcourse I cannot tell him I didnt listen the last 2 minutes when he tried having a discussion. Still this becomes fairly obvious. People feel awkward around me, and any discussion dies out, even when we have 3 people the discussion dies out because I am not participating, actually if we a 3 of us, I tend to start drifting even more, as i dont feel the same need to actually listen, after all there is already 2 people talking, why do I need to...
At a party I usually stand in a corner by myself. If I am in a rare occasion is invited to a smaller party with 3-4 people, I seem unable to know when I am supposed to leave and keep overstaying my welcome. Usually I am never invited by that person again...
There are lots of things in my life I want to change, and even if this is along post for being an introduction, it still only the tip of an iceberg.
Fredrik
I have had depression coming from low self esteem as long as I remember, atleast for the last 20-25 years. I come from a family of doctors, and have been taught since I was kid that going taking any medication(and in my mind laos going to the doctor) was the last resort. This was obviously meant for physical illnesses, where rest could solve most anything. I took penicillin for the first time ever last week only. That only says a little bit how little medication I have taken.
I think however this is what have made my depression worse. I haven't been able to visit a doctor, without thinking that all my relatives will know of my depression and loneliness, which I have been ashamed of.
I made quite a few friends when I was kid, but I kept loosing them as soon as something went bad between us, I never ever "made up" again with a friend I lost. I have never had anyone I can confide myself with and because of this I keep holding thought to myself and when I face an obsticle, I feel like I am useless and give up without even trying.
I have a masters degree in computer science, but this has been done without much enthusiasm, so I more or less dont remember anything from my studies.
The only thing that keeps me afloat is my job. But I have never been able ot keep the same job more than a couple of years. I have never been let go. But I have felt bored and unwanted at work or by my colleges and decided its time to move on to another job, preferably in another city where I dont know anyone, cutting all my ties to my previous life. I have never had any problems finding another job. But that would probably be because I always aimed for jobs I was over qualified for.
If there is a longer holiday coming, I get very depressed as there is nothing that keeps me from staying in my own place all day. It can be a bright and sunny day outside, but I still sit inside by my computer doing basically nothing but feeling sad for myself.
If I decide to go out, I do it mostly by myself, still being outside feeling sorry for myself.
If I actually do call somebody asking if they want to join me, I always am quiet, looking and feeling tired/bored. I seem incapable of actually interact in a proper discussion or chat when being with somebody. What usually happens is that my mind starts drifting in the mids of a discussion, and I have paid absolutely no attention of what my friend said. But ofcourse I cannot tell him I didnt listen the last 2 minutes when he tried having a discussion. Still this becomes fairly obvious. People feel awkward around me, and any discussion dies out, even when we have 3 people the discussion dies out because I am not participating, actually if we a 3 of us, I tend to start drifting even more, as i dont feel the same need to actually listen, after all there is already 2 people talking, why do I need to...
At a party I usually stand in a corner by myself. If I am in a rare occasion is invited to a smaller party with 3-4 people, I seem unable to know when I am supposed to leave and keep overstaying my welcome. Usually I am never invited by that person again...
There are lots of things in my life I want to change, and even if this is along post for being an introduction, it still only the tip of an iceberg.
Fredrik