Does anybody else find acceptance so hard?

[loulabella]

Just a thought, but wondered if I am not alone in my battle with accepting I am ill. I have been on and off meds now for 8 months - giving up at the first sign of side effects, worrying they are not for me, I don't need them etc, only to find a rebound of hell after. I have spent the morning talking to friends who have all said why do you find it so hard to stick and accept... I think this accept is my issue. I don't want to beleive I am siffering from an illness and hence need meds. I know that give it 2 months if I stick with my current meds I could feel great - but I never get that far... How do we accept... or am I accepting by writing this? :wacko:

[suzy-sue]

It boils down to asking yourself one question really Lou .Do you want to feel better again ? If everything else has failed as I suspect it has there is no alternative ,is there ? ..Most people take painkillers if in Pain And Antibiotics if they have an infection .There is no difference .Something is available to make you feel well again ,but if you dont give it chance to work ,you will be in the same place you are now ,but maybe worse .Years down the line .I never wanted to take Medication and I m sure a lot here will agree with me .You have to suffer sometimes to get better ,lots of drugs even antibiotics etc make you feel worse before you get better .For me I Just decided ..Id had enough of feeling like I was .there was no light at the end of that route ,God Id tried long enough ..So I accepted I needed intervention and maybe i would feel worse for a while .Yes I did and it wasnt nice ..somedays I wanted to stop taking my meds ,but I didnt ,Id come so far and there was a light down that route .There wasnt any contest ,what was the alternative ? So accepting is the only way that combined with positivity and determination ..Whats the shame in that ? Nothing .Not helping yourself is far more shameful in my mind ,its like giving in and giving up on yourself ,Surely you value yourself more than that ..You just have to change the way you look at it to see there really is no choice ,is there ? Sue x

[loulabella]

So so so true. I think it does exactly boil down to that question, do I want to feel better, of course! So your right, Although there are herbal options which I've been considering, they may be better after intervention. Think I may have to realise that I'm too sick for 5htp or SJW.

THANKS. Hopefully this time I can stick out the meds and in a few months be thinking, why didn't I just do that in the first place. Thanks Sue.

L x

[joannap]

please read my post re acceptance. i have been exactly where you are and have just proved to myself that you do not have to upp meds/change meds/change dose to get relief. i looked at it from a different angle and realised that personally i was expecting the meds to change me when only i can change me. yes - they have helped me at times on my journey but as soon as you get a true understanding of how anxiety works - you can do it yourself. x

[joannap]

if you want to feel better - why not try purely trying to accept your anxiety for 2 weeks - all the leading books - claire weekes for instance promote acceptance is the true way to recovery - what harm can it do when you are not on meds anyway? if i knew everything that i know now - i never would have started on them byt yes - they can have their place in recovery and i am not disputing that - i felt they were life savers for me years back but had i been fully informed and shown a practical way of recovering - i would not have viewed them as such.

[sue.b]

Dear Lou

Acceptance is certainly a good route out of Anxiety/Stress/Depression.

I think both medication and learning how to deal with anxiety/stress has a place in reaching a state of acceptance. I guess when a person is battling with anxiety it can be very difficult in that heightened state to view situations in perspective. Sometimes the calming effect of medication can give a window for learning how to deal better with and accept where we are in life at that moment.

Hope you are soon feeling much better

Take care

Sue

[loulabella]

Hi Jo, Thanks for your kind words. I tried a 6 week stint with no meds, tried the Linden method, yoga, gym, swimming, breathing etc - and also have Clare Weekes book -n which is great - but the anxiety stems from daily headaches which are being dealt with (physio, then chiro, then neuro,now oesteopath and later to be pain clinic) which we think are prob coming from neck tension. I am in a viscious cycle as cant get the tension gone. I think that after 8 months of trying SSRI's, TCA's and anti seizure meds (pregabalin) for the most a few months, then giving up - it's time to stick one out. I am going to do everything else alongside it - gym, swim, yoga, walking, sauna, books, books, books, work, work, work and most of all learn to love myself and more importantly than that make sure my little boy doesn't see my cry all day every day :)

Thanks Sue. Yea, am going to ride out the hell of the side effects and stick with escitalopram - I am seeing a psych who wants me on seroxat or venlaflaxine if this doesn't work and I am very against those two meds so I am hoping this will allow me a breather. My morning anxiety is the worst but I have diazepam which I was weaning off but had a chat with OH and as I have been weaning off my nightly dose of amitryptyline - till that is out my system he think trying to get onto escit and off diaz is too much, so this morning I felt the anxiety which has sent me into turmoil for the last two days and thought, right - take a Diaz. Once the escit works I know this morning anxiety will go. And I am ok. A little nervous, but hey, I AM NOT crying. Diaz can at times get me through the whole day (1 x 5mg that is) so maybe for a while I will stop worrying abouy coming off it and stick with it in the am till I am onto 10mg of escit/15 and comfortable and then come off the Diaz. :)

I am sure with all the help on here I will get there. Perhaps I should start a diary? My main issue atm alongside the increased anxiety is the insomnia - either fromescit or ami withdraw - grrrrr. x x x

[Idstain]

Hi, acceptance is the biggest step in recovering from anxiety. I highly recommend you check out this book (can read online for free) http://books.google.com/books?id=UDYWZZYne54C&printsec=frontcover&dq=mindfulness+and+acceptance+workbook+for+anxiety&source=bl&ots=jw0wpWYhTT&sig=N4lY1LSkiyrVeov4obqFvoxkggU&hl=en&ei=ivm-S4qwNYOj_gbli6T1DQ&sa=X&oi=book_result&ct=result&resnum=9&ved=0CC4Q6AEwCA#v=onepage&q&f=false

[loulabella]

Thanks, looks good. Is it anti-meds tho? x

[loulabella]

Yea, my shrink said the same, your ill and have been for some time, why not let us help. I have been trying numerous meds for 8 months and give up when the SE hit, not allowing time to get it into me. Yea, if my life depended on meds, hell yea, give them to me, if I was diabetic, had thyroid issues etc. And you know what, perhaps my life does depend on these. My life I had before my illness was amazing, and that is what I know I have, an illness. I am not mad, bonkers or insane, i'm ill. I think what is soooo hard for me is, I have a BSc, Post Grad Dip and MSC in Psychology, I teach AS and A level Psychology and Criminology so for me, I am meant to be the one saying 'your ill, these will help' not the other way around.

I managed to grit my teeth today and there was NO tears - I am proud of me. :)

Thanks for your kind words, they help me every step of the way x

[joannap]

the difference with diabetes is that you cannot control it with your thoughts - acceptance will not work with diabetes but it does with anxiety although i appreciate how difficult this can be.

loulabella - i suffered headaches exactly the same as you - i had a daily headache for 3 years and was under the pain clinic at york. i think i must have tried every approach possible - complementary therapies/medications/homeopathy/osteopathy etc. but the constantly trying to cure them approach just added more stress on me - it was like i was running around in a circle trying to get rid of them. the thing that helped me the most was giving into them - trying to live my life with them there and when they got so bad i could not stand up - i took painkillers and went to bed for a few hours. the more you worry about them - the more tension you are adding and the more pain you feel. i was so bad initially i did not leave the sofa for 3 weeks - i had terrible migraines and when the migraines lifted i still had constant tension headache - i was so bad i used to beg the gp to give me a brain scan! Looking back now - the headaches which i presumed were the start of my anxiety were actually the end result of being stressed and anxious. constant headaches can be a sign of anxiety/depression - even if we feel it is the headaches that made us feel that way.

just to reassure you - the more i let the pain be there - the more i started to get pain free periods in between - sometimes it was only for half an hour each day but it was like i had got to the point where it did not matter if they were there or not and so i was accepting them - not really thinking about them - it was a gradual process and even now i can feel headachey on more days than not but i do not let it bother me. i too have a lot of tension in my neck/shoulders which is a legacy from all those years where i literally was so tense i thought i would snap! Advice that the pain clinic gave me was to make sure you get plenty of sleep but regular hours - try not to vary too much your going to bed/getting up time. Also make sure your mattress is comfortable and that your neck is supported fully. Try not to take anything stronger than plain ibuprofen or paracetamol - it is better to take 3 in one go (regular strength) then to take 2 and then another 2 later. Also use a warm wheat bag and try to massage your neck every day. Another very good tip is to drink 8 glasses water/herbal tea every day - this really helped me too.

[joannap]

just read that you really loved your life before the headaches so it could just be that you have been hit with these headaches which have literally knocked you sideways - or perhaps you were living life too full on and the headaches are your bodies way of slowing you down? I know i was in tears with mine every day too and sometimes i think the more educated you are - the more you try and "think" your way out of it instead of giving in and giving your body time to heal - 8 months on and off meds must have also made you feel very up and down within yourself too. every single time you think - why won;t this tension go? will i ever be headache free again? what if i have these for the rest of my life? you are adding more tension = more pain! i remember thinking that i would not be able to ever run again - my head hurt so much but you will improve - you will also get patches where they come back and they will frighten you again but again - they will lift x

[loulabella]

Hey, thanks Jo.

This bout of anxiety/dep started with mal de desembarque which I had for a week, which caused occipital pressure, neckache and then after 2 months, temple headaches.

Really struggling with the Escit today - am sooooooooooo tired! not tired like a bit sleepy, lke exhausted to the point driving was a mission. I don't think that is healthy! Or safe! Am reading a book on 5htp - this is my next option if I cant stick these bloody meds.

I have def been a little less bothered by my head tho the last few days, I find myself forgetting I have one for a while, does that make sense? The osteopath has def helped and my fella gives my shoulders a good rub most days. The doc thinks the pain clinic may give some trigger point injections although from what I have heard this can make things worse?

xxx

[jothenurse]

Hi. I am very afraid of taking the SSRI's - I have tried Celexa for 2 days and Paxil for one day and got bad panic attacks. Terrible. So, now I am using Ativan prn. The psychiatrist said they are addictive, but I had panic disorder 30 years ago and used Serax, and got through the anxiety problem and off the Serax. So, I am hoping that I can do it this time with the Ativan. Anyone else doing it with a benzodiazepine?

[loulabella]

I am on Benzo's too. Trying to only take 2.5mg Diaz a day atm - but it's hard :) x

[joannap]

loulabella - at the risk of sounding dense - what is mal de desembarque - sounds like bad plane landing lol?!

when i used to go to the osteopath i literally could not get out of bed for headaches the next day although he did restore flexibility to my neck - i was also treated for tmj too - i even saw a specialist re this and he said that most of these things are tension - that are kicked off by something - some sort of stress/accident and that they can take several years to settle down and he told me to throw my mouthguard away! another thing is to check you are not gritting your teeth - your teeth should only touch when eating! x

[loulabella]

Hey

Seen a TMJ specialist too. No joint disorder but enlarged muscles. I have a guard but don't feel I need it. MDD was after a boat trip. My equilibrium stabalised to the boat so when I got off everything rocked! Was nasty and didn't know what it was so panic set in and alas.... X

[jothenurse]

I try to just take .25 mg of Ativan a day. They come in .5 mg for the lowest dose. But even with the half a dose, I feel kind of spacey throughout the day. But, could this just be the anxiety (brain fatigue)?
What do you think?

[joannap]

lolulabella - how nasty! can understand why panic set in - however it does sound as though you were quite stressed for the panic to kick off? what i mean is that my brother started with a horiffic headache in the middle of sex lol and he had a brain scan etc as they thought he may have a clot - turned out to be nothing but he had a constant headache for about 6 weeks - he hated it but did not get panicked over it. also a friend of my mums started with vertigo and has been flat on his back for months on end.

me - i started with terrible headaches but was so sensitized anyway - it was sort of the last straw - just wondering if that is the same with yourself? that you were quite stressed/on edge and the boat trip was the trigger? xx

having said that - the way forward is still to not get upset about the way you feel - to let your body find its balance again. and yes - when i have taken ssris in the past - i barely slept for 14 days and felt terrible and then around day 15/16 it starts to get better. x

[loulabella]

Yea. I was writing my MSc thesis at the time so was very stressed! I am sure they will go soon. Yea. The SSRI is not my friend ATM. Anxiety is the devil. Your poor brother! Heard of sex induced migraines, poor thing.

Jonurse, sounds like your in control of the dose and yes anxiety can give you horrible brain fog x x I do find Diaz the best med I've had tho but worry about it long term. X

[joannap]

def sounds like a big adrenalin release and that your head is your weak spot like mine lol! and yes - they will go - it just takes time.

jonurse - my brain feels foggy and v "tired" too - i can cope with what i have to do per day but if i try to think about anything in detail - i cannot do it lol so all totally normal x

[jothenurse]

Thank you for your replies. So, you think the cloudy brain feeling has more to do with the anxiety than the small dose (.25 mg) of ativan?

[loulabella]

It could be. It's hard to tell. I find Diazepam less sedating that escitalopram so am prob a useless candidate for comparison lol x