Huds
07-04-10, 19:17
Hello all,
What I'm about to write may seem incredibly strange or unheard of to many of you so I'm a little anxious telling it.
I don't know when this started or why I started doing this but I talk to myself. Now, I know you will say talking to yourself is normal etc, but this isn't your average talking to yourself.
In my mind I pretend to be someone I am not. And I have to think about this person in great length - so their skin tone, their name, their educational background. I suppose I pretend to be this person so I feel better about myself. This may not seem like a big deal, as it's all in my head and no one would really know. However, if I wanna be that person I have to act like that person. So when no one is around me, I will have conversations with this person's friend/family and I KNOW they are not really there, but I spend so much of my time pretending that they are. I guess I would like my life to be a little like the life of the individual that I'm playing. But what is humilating, is that I have been caught so many times laughing or acting this out and my family are like 'why the hell are you talking to yourself?'
I suppose it kind of occured to blank out the life I hated as a child at home. But I feel guilty for acting as If I suffered from some major trauma because I haven't. I do have friends, and a generally okay social life but I can't quit this. I've been advised before on an online forum that I should just carry on. Carry on? Carry on wasting hours and talking to people that aren't there? Sometimes I can't even walk into a room because 'they' are there (yes I know they are not) and I need to remind myself who I am for the day and what I'm wearing etc. It's a nightmare.
I guess what I'm looking for is a term for this condition and a way to really stop. It has to stop - it's taken over my life for far too long.
What I'm about to write may seem incredibly strange or unheard of to many of you so I'm a little anxious telling it.
I don't know when this started or why I started doing this but I talk to myself. Now, I know you will say talking to yourself is normal etc, but this isn't your average talking to yourself.
In my mind I pretend to be someone I am not. And I have to think about this person in great length - so their skin tone, their name, their educational background. I suppose I pretend to be this person so I feel better about myself. This may not seem like a big deal, as it's all in my head and no one would really know. However, if I wanna be that person I have to act like that person. So when no one is around me, I will have conversations with this person's friend/family and I KNOW they are not really there, but I spend so much of my time pretending that they are. I guess I would like my life to be a little like the life of the individual that I'm playing. But what is humilating, is that I have been caught so many times laughing or acting this out and my family are like 'why the hell are you talking to yourself?'
I suppose it kind of occured to blank out the life I hated as a child at home. But I feel guilty for acting as If I suffered from some major trauma because I haven't. I do have friends, and a generally okay social life but I can't quit this. I've been advised before on an online forum that I should just carry on. Carry on? Carry on wasting hours and talking to people that aren't there? Sometimes I can't even walk into a room because 'they' are there (yes I know they are not) and I need to remind myself who I am for the day and what I'm wearing etc. It's a nightmare.
I guess what I'm looking for is a term for this condition and a way to really stop. It has to stop - it's taken over my life for far too long.