really need help don't know where to turn

[muzz]

Hi There,

I really don't know what to do. or even if I have the correct forum for this post - if anything this is panic/anxiety from depression..

Back in 2007 something horrible happened which really messed me up. I got on with things and didn't think about it.

In November last year I was told by a nurse person that I was very depressed and that I should get counselling and get over to my gp asap - none of this had occured to me. I was completely and utterly numb, I would be permanently on the brink of tears and it would take nothing to push me beyond that point, I was switched off to the world most of the time but it would take the slightest noise to scare the shit out of me, horrible nightmares and itchyness too, couldn't make any decisions or concentrate on anything, I hadn't seen any friends for the best part of a year and I would either be a cowering wreck or so up for a fight that looking at me the wrong way would have me see red.

I started the counselling with a charity and my gp put me onto 20mg citalopram. My gp had me fill in a form about how depressed I was and sent it off somewhere.

My gp eventually referred me to the cmht and I went off for an assessment at the beginning of February. The woman I saw was nice enough but horrible and had me dictating things that she was writing down - it was bad enough talking about things without having to repeat most of it.

The citalopram was where most of my trouble started I think. The 20mg turned me into a zombie for the best part of 4 weeks before I tried to top myself, told my gp about that on my next visit. He said he was sorry about that and upped me to 40mg.

Aside from wanting to top myself, the citalopram has brought on the most unbearable panic. My gp has discussed putting me onto 60mg and presently i've been prescribed diazepam which I don't think does a lot.

The outcome of my last meeting with my counsellor was that I should continue to see him - been seeing him 12 weeks, but that I would benefit from seeing a psychiatrist for cbt as well.

My gp was waiting for a response from the cmht to see what they recommended before putting me onto 60mg but the surgery says they haven't heard anything. I thought that two months was long enough so I called up the cmht today and apparently they referred me back to my gp.

So I am at a loss. I really don't know what to do. I have no life to speak of. My time awake I am stressed out of my mind, from the moment I wake up my stomach goes into a knot and my time asleep is equally disturbed. I am sick of being forced into making deals with my councillor that I don't want to keep.

Muzz

[SarahG]

I've been waiting to hear from a counselling service for 6 weeks now after filling in a form and being referred by my GP! How stupid is this??? When you need a counsellor, you need it there and then, not a few months down the line.

I am going through a similar thing - the doctor upped my dose but I feel even worse now! I've never been so anxious and this constant fear has stripped any last vestiges of sanity I seemed to have. I am even becoming scared of leaving the house now.

If I didn't have kids to keep me going I think I'd certainly be considering not being here anymore. I am only telling you this so that you don't feel you are the only one... I don't want to make you feel worse but I found it was nice to know that there were other people out there who felt just like me.

If you need a chat or some support, please personal message me. Big hugs - Sarah

[Onwards & Upwards]

Hey Muzz!

I've sent you a message!

Em

[gypsywomen]

i feel so sorry for you both .i have been in that dark place ,,its hell on earth ,, but believe me there is a light at end of it ,you will get better you will 0you dont think so at the moment ,, but if me and 100s like me can ,, you can ,i hope your docter gets you back on track all the best to you love maggie

[Veronica H]

:bighug1:Hi Muzz and Sara. I feel for you both. I know it is hard to settle to anything when you are so anxious but there is a brilliant book by Dr Claire Weekes;SELF HELP FOR YOUR NERVES published by Thorsens ISBN 0-7225-3155-9.This is available from the NMP shop. Dr Weekes was a physician and scientist. She was a fellow sufferer (nominated for the nobel prize for medicine) and really understood this illness. She took the mystery out of it, and devised a simple programme for recovery. I can't recommend this enough. This will get better. I know how frightening this illness seems in the beginning, but just understanding how this happened and knowing that there is a way back ,even though that may be hard to believe right now is such a comfort.

Here is a link to her site;

http://www.drclaireweekes.co.uk/

I hope this helps.....Veronicax

[muzz]

Hi everyone, thanks for the kind words. it does help knowing that i havent gone entirely mental, even though it still feels like it. a good example is that i started wearing a pair of boots to work during the winter to get from my car to the office without getting my feet wet in the snow but its April and i still wear them because they make me feel safe for some reason. silly i know.

it is a hell. i have been trying to cope with things while my gp and the cmht do whatever it is they need to do, but it seems that they refuse to talk to each other. the cmht say they have referred me back to my gp and my gp surgery say they are still waiting for a response from the cmht since my assessment 9 weeks ago. so i am feeling a bit kicked in the teeth for having been pinning my hopes on getting some help the last couple months.

you are right it is really difficult doing things when i am this stressed and down. putting on the washing is a decision that i honestly struggle with.

[Hel_is_heaven]

Can I just say I personally hated Dr Weekes book. She has a particularly 1960s view about mental health. Her book really upset me as it said that people who aren't getting better, don't want to get better. I was desperate to get better, but was unable to.
I personally would not recommend her book.

Also on the NHS the waiting time for counselling or therapy is usually up to 12 months. I was put on the list in June 2009 and I'm still waiting.
If you can afford it, its worth getting some privately because the NHS only usually provides 6 sessions and then you're left on your own. Its a ridiculous system and can do huge damage as the inner workings of our brains can not be solved in just 6 sessions!!
Anyways I thought I would put my two pennies worth in.

I recommend a very simple book which I found called
The Panic Attck, Anxiety and Phobias Solutions Handbook by Muriel MacFarlane.
ISBN 1-887053-00-X

It's an american book, but it really puts everything in terms you can understand. Hope that helps.

Helen xx

[Veronica H]

Hi Helen

We are all entitled to our opinions and I will look at the book you recommend as I am always open to new ideas and ways to deal with my panic and anxiety, but Dr Weekes never at any time said.....
"people who aren't getting better, don't want to get better".
I am glad that you are finding a way forward and wish you well in your recovery.

Veronicax