Anxiety and our children

[MikeyT]

Not sure if this is the correct section to post this topic.

I personally have suffered in varying degrees from anxiety problems for about 17-18 years and in the early days, I became totally agoraphobic.
Managed to get back to working and now work for myself running my own design and print business.
Also during this period I have managed to have two children, daughters, whom I love dearly and I tell them this often. They are now 13 and 10. My partner and I are still together and we live as a family unit.
Being a Dad has been very hard for me to maintain some sort of normality for them.
I still find family outings and holidays very difficult, as I feel out of my comfort zone, but if its just me and my daughters then I can cope, we do the normal things like, swimming, museums, fun parks etc. (my partner works Saturdays, so I take this opportunity to do these sort of things with them).
But on the down side for instance say a trip to say London with all of us would be a nightmare for me, if I had to go on my own for any reason, then I would do so, is it all about control and distance from home.
At the moment my partner and children are away on holiday for a week with members of family on her side, which is something they do at this time every year, as I am not good with holidays as mentioned and also because of business pressures I have not gone for a few years and it is now presumed I won't be going when this is arranged.
We do try and have 2 or 3 weekends at the coast as a family throughout the year, which is about the most I can manage before I have the urge to return to my comfort zone and normal routine.
I realise more than anyone that our family dynamic is not what most would consider normal, the reason for my post is that my 10 year old daughter has it in her mind that she wants a holiday in Spain and has mentioned it on several occasions, finances are tight, but this aside, the thought of this is just to hard for me to contemplate.
My children don’t have any notion of my anxiety struggles, my 13 year old may have a slight idea, I have talked to my partner about discussing my problems with our children, but she was against the idea. But what do forum members think...do you think our children should be told or should we hide it from them?
Regards
Mike

[eeyorelover]

Hi Mike,
My daughter had just started walking when I first started having anxiety issues and my 3 boys were all under 6 so they grew up seeing me go thru anxiety and panic. I was at one point housebound for 4 years so they have grown up around my ups and downs.
I explained it to all of them, age appropriately.
With my daughter Megan I started just by telling her that Mommy doesn't feel well sometimes but as they got older I explained it in detail.
I don't think it is something you can hide because they see you everyday and they know something is wrong. Perhaps they don't understand what it is exactly but it isn't like they are completely oblivious to your struggles.
Doesn't mean that we aren't good parents or that our children are getting slighted though!
I want you to remember that!
Megan is now 19, an honor roll student, on student counsel, and is going to be attending university in the fall. She wants to be a pediatrician. My boys are all grown up. Two have kids of their own and are pretty decent Dads, one son is in the military and is currently in Afghanistan.
I asked them if they feel like my anxiety made their childhood less than ideal and all have told me absolutely not!
xxx
Sandy

[acj]

when i was growing up my dad suffered with depression, my brother and i werent told until we were adults. At the time i just thought that my Dad was really moody and bad tempered and was always "ill" as he would often stay in bed. I always had a good relationship with him growing up and understand why my parents didnt tell us exactly what was wrong with him. Children are instinctive so probably know that something is up but even at 13 they wont understand what anxiety and depression is. For me personally i was glad that my parents didnt tell me as i wouldve worried even at that age. i dont have my own kids but have a step son and daughter, the step son is 3 and the step daughter is 10. They do not know about my illness as i know that the 10 year old wouldnt understand and would worry.
Could you just explain that you cant afford it at this time?
i hope this is of some help

[Utility]

Hi

I think that you would end up enjoying the whole event. Always go for the best holiday you can afford and pay someone else to do all the leg work for you. Don't book it yourself, get a travel agent to do the work and then if something does go wrong you are fully protected.

Most people are anxious about going on holiday and then love it when they get there. I do appreciate that you may feel the anxiety a bit more than the average but it sound to me as though you are heading in the right direction. There are many people who could never have the courage to run a business as you do - goodness me that takes confidence in itself.

Although it is good to share problems I do have to agree with your partner on this one. If your partner is against the kids being informed then I think it would only add to tensions elsewhere if you were to ignore her wishes.

[SarahG]

A few months ago (when I wasn't panicking!) I booked 2 weeks in Turkey with my family. Having had a bit of a relapse, I am now absolutely terrified about the prospect of actually going (and it's not until August!) so I know how you feel. However, deep down I also know I will enjoy it when I get there... I've just got to convince myself now.

The major stumbling block for me is the coach journey from the airport to the resort (2 hours) - I don't do coaches or buses! I'm trying to make things easier for myself and alleviate anything that is going to worry me before we actually go so I have booked a hire car which we will pick up at the airport so we can drive ourselves to the resort.

Perhaps you should have a good think about the things that scare you about going on holiday and then think about what you can do to make things easier for yourself before you make a final decision.

[MikeyT]

Hi
Thanks for the replies - Sarah, I did my first train journey in fifteen years earlier last month.
Its not the mode of transport its being far away from home, my safe place (in my mind)
My anxiety came full on during a driving holiday to Ireland, which was just me and my girlfriend, now partner etc. Before children.
The nearer we got to Holyhead the worse I felt, never had a panic attack ever before (used to race motorbikes, so was a bit of an adrenaline junky).
We thought I just had a virus or something, got on the ferry, in those days it was not that fast, felt worse and worse, thought I was having a heart attack.
Once in Dublin managed to find a B&B and I holed up in our room, probably one of the worse days of my life. Now looking back, I should have sort medical help, but what we did was book the ferry back the next day and we came home.
So its echos of this that cloud this holdiays for me, I think small steps instead of one massive jump. I have always said to myself, I would like to do the trip again to see if I could cast this monkey off my back.
Now looking back at my symptoms, the feelings leading up to this were all pointing to this happening, but not understanding these warning signs I just ignored them.
It had been a bad 18 months, a long standing girlfriend left 6 months after we bought our first house together, then my mum died suddenly, then I got made redundant.
I met my current partner during the following months, but during this time, she went on a pre-arrange tour of the states, where she was attack and raped.
So putting all these emotional high stress events together, then it is really not a surprise my system cried enough, my way of coping with the first three events was to drink heavily and then the final event was the one that shoved me over the edge.
But hey-ho - just had a lovely call from my 10 year old daughter telling me how much she loves and misses me.
Perhaps things happen for a reason, the event that happened to my partner in the states, made us very very close and before she went to the states I didn't think we had much of a future together. The anxiety change me as a person, probably in some respects for the better, in others not so.
So any sorry for the long winded reply - glass of wine time.
Thanks all
Mike