joannap
08-04-10, 17:28
i had to post this because i am truly hoping it will help all of you on here. i have suffered anxiety since a child really but had my first breakdown at 22 - i did not leave the sofa for several weeks - blinding migraines and fear kept me gripped to it - i really had no idea what was wrong with me and had EVERY symptom of anxiety. after a few months on antidpressants i felt much improved and stopped them overnight but had not dealt with fear of fear or the stress in my life. i relapsed again and in the middle of this split with my partner, lost my job, my home, my cat - i was at rock bottom but managed with beta blockers. The next few years were spent feeling terrible - i was always obsessing about something but i did not recognise this is an anxiety problem. I also suffered a lot of health complaints. I had another break down at 27 and have been on antidepressants - only a low dose of 20mg ever since. I then had another breakdown a few years ago when trying to come off my antidepressants and so was put on another. I have had counselling and cbt.
OK - NOW FOR THE IMPORTANT BIT!
I have finally realised that in the 12 years i have been suffering - i have never truly faced my fear of fear and overcome it! yes - i have read the books - yes i have read how to change my thoughts but i wanted my anxiety to go away just by reading information BUT not putting in the hard work myself! Every time the fear came back i literally rushed to the doctors in tears because i did not want to suffer a second longer - i wanted it all to go away NOW. I also did not want to try accepting in case it did not work because not to fight goes against your instincts.
3 weeks ago i started to recognise anxiety was creeping up on me again and by the time i went on holiday - i was in full panic mode - brain racing constantly, fear so bad i shook - i could not eat - i was ringing my mum everyday in floods of tears and felt so bad i felt a trip to the doctors was inevitable. HOWEVER - i read my claire weekes book and at last a life by paul david and i thought - right - doctors stress me - i really do not want to go down that route and changing onto another ssri will only make me feel horrendous anyway until they start to kick in so why not practice acceptance for a few weeks and see how i go?
Anyway - it took me a few days to get my head round acceptance and realising that every single time i had negative thoughts such as - i am never going to get better, this is awful, i need another ssri etc was only adding more panic and then i really did start trying to accept it - yes i felt terrible all the time but after a few days of just labelling my thoughts instead of acting on them or believing them or changing them from - i will never get better - to things like - i feel bad now but i can get better - i started to notice a difference. Instead of panic being a 10 - it was coming down to a 7/8 and when it increased back to 10 - i rode it out without adding more fear/fearful thoughts. Within a week i was feeling more balanced and having no more "attacks" - my mind was still racing but definitely quieter and i was even getting short periods in between anxiety when i felt normal and could think normally too.
It is 2 weeks since i came back from holiday in the middle of a major relapse and apart from an hour of anxiety yesterday - i am virtually anxiety free. yes - i am having to watch my thoughts - i have realised that i think very negatively and speak to myself shockingly in my mind at times and so this will be a long term project! I have also realised that i tend to heap stress on myself and never make time to relax etc and if you do these kind of things then no med is going to change this for you - you need to find ways of doing it yourself and so i am meditating every day, making sure i spend time winding down on an evening etc. yes - i am still on 10mg ssri but i have not upped my dose - i have not done anything but take an odd beta blocker but ACCEPT my symptoms and let them be there. because i know this approach works i am now going to wean myself off that and use the same approach - it seems to easy/good to be true but if you can truly do what these books ask you - yes - you will continue to feel as bad for maybe up to 2 weeks longer but yuo will start to see improvements quickly and then the more confident you feel - the more you want to accept so you can literally watch yourself improving.
For those of you who think - i am worse than you - i cannot do it - i have spent nearly 13 years of my life being dictated by anxiety and breakdowns as well as very severe physical symptoms as a result (i had migraine for 3 years straight) and so do not spend a minute longer fighting or getting distressed about your symptoms because this you are keeping yourself prisoner!:yahoo:
OK - NOW FOR THE IMPORTANT BIT!
I have finally realised that in the 12 years i have been suffering - i have never truly faced my fear of fear and overcome it! yes - i have read the books - yes i have read how to change my thoughts but i wanted my anxiety to go away just by reading information BUT not putting in the hard work myself! Every time the fear came back i literally rushed to the doctors in tears because i did not want to suffer a second longer - i wanted it all to go away NOW. I also did not want to try accepting in case it did not work because not to fight goes against your instincts.
3 weeks ago i started to recognise anxiety was creeping up on me again and by the time i went on holiday - i was in full panic mode - brain racing constantly, fear so bad i shook - i could not eat - i was ringing my mum everyday in floods of tears and felt so bad i felt a trip to the doctors was inevitable. HOWEVER - i read my claire weekes book and at last a life by paul david and i thought - right - doctors stress me - i really do not want to go down that route and changing onto another ssri will only make me feel horrendous anyway until they start to kick in so why not practice acceptance for a few weeks and see how i go?
Anyway - it took me a few days to get my head round acceptance and realising that every single time i had negative thoughts such as - i am never going to get better, this is awful, i need another ssri etc was only adding more panic and then i really did start trying to accept it - yes i felt terrible all the time but after a few days of just labelling my thoughts instead of acting on them or believing them or changing them from - i will never get better - to things like - i feel bad now but i can get better - i started to notice a difference. Instead of panic being a 10 - it was coming down to a 7/8 and when it increased back to 10 - i rode it out without adding more fear/fearful thoughts. Within a week i was feeling more balanced and having no more "attacks" - my mind was still racing but definitely quieter and i was even getting short periods in between anxiety when i felt normal and could think normally too.
It is 2 weeks since i came back from holiday in the middle of a major relapse and apart from an hour of anxiety yesterday - i am virtually anxiety free. yes - i am having to watch my thoughts - i have realised that i think very negatively and speak to myself shockingly in my mind at times and so this will be a long term project! I have also realised that i tend to heap stress on myself and never make time to relax etc and if you do these kind of things then no med is going to change this for you - you need to find ways of doing it yourself and so i am meditating every day, making sure i spend time winding down on an evening etc. yes - i am still on 10mg ssri but i have not upped my dose - i have not done anything but take an odd beta blocker but ACCEPT my symptoms and let them be there. because i know this approach works i am now going to wean myself off that and use the same approach - it seems to easy/good to be true but if you can truly do what these books ask you - yes - you will continue to feel as bad for maybe up to 2 weeks longer but yuo will start to see improvements quickly and then the more confident you feel - the more you want to accept so you can literally watch yourself improving.
For those of you who think - i am worse than you - i cannot do it - i have spent nearly 13 years of my life being dictated by anxiety and breakdowns as well as very severe physical symptoms as a result (i had migraine for 3 years straight) and so do not spend a minute longer fighting or getting distressed about your symptoms because this you are keeping yourself prisoner!:yahoo: