View Full Version : Crisis - Anorexia
I am feeling worse today. I have no control over this anymore but its my fault for being so pathetic. I've given in to cravings and now feel totally repulsed and disgusted by myself. I will have to take laxatives again now to get rid of the food again. I hate myself for being like this. I deserve to die. I am so repulsed with myself and feel so distraught I would rather die than do this again. I can't take it any more :(:(
K said the situation with the clinic and funding isn't my fault and she called the authorites 'incompetent'. I think she is getting very frustrated at the situation now and she actually said the setback with starting treatment is 'disheartening'.
She also said I need the help now because the longer this situation goes on the more damage I am doing to myself.
She is right and I don't even care about the damage I am doing to myself when I am like this. I believe I deserve it. I want to be shut away in a room where I cannot get access to food so I can starve this badness out of me. I hate myself so much.
I know I am going to abuse laxatives again to get rid of the food. I now have more diet pills and need to take great quantities of them too. I need to do whatever it takes to stop me eating.
I'm such a bad person. I am evil. This is all my fault.
Sorry :(:(:(
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Hi Karen,
So sorry you are struggling so much hun you did good to eat honestly you have given your body a treat. It's not Bad I promise you.
Please don't feel bad you are so NOT a bad person. You are lovely kind & caring and have been a great help to me and lots of others.
Take care & Look after yourself.
Love & Wishes.
Pip's X X X X
Hi Karen,
Sorry you're feeling so bad mate, big (((Hug))) for you.
You're not bad, evil or anything else, you do not deserve to die and you do not deserve to be feeling this way. This is not your fault, its a horrible, cruel illness causing these feelings/thoughts.
I agree with K, it does sound like the authorities are to blame, it's not your fault treatment was delayed. I do agree with her that you need treatment soon before too much damage is done.
I know you feel bad for eating and giving in to cravings but remember there may be a reason for these cravings and your doctor may be able to help with that tomorrow. Can you try and tell your doctor how bad you're feeling, I really think you need some help from someone?
Please don't take the laxatives Karen and certainly not the diet pills (in large quantities [:O]). I know you feel that is the only way but it isn't.
You can get through this Karen, I really wish I could help more, I feel so helpless when I hear how distraught you are and I can't help. I am thinking of you though. Hang in there.
Lisa x
Thank you Pips.
This is so bad though and this kind of eating is not good for my body. When I binge I eat foods that are very bad and then I imagine I am adding to the badness that's within me to start with.
Karen x
Hi Lisa
You are so kind to be supporting me like this with the struggles you are having yourself at the moment. Thank you so muvh.
I believe I am bad and evil and have been all my life. Then when I eat the bad rubbish I've just stuffed myself with, I feel I am confirming how terrible I am and that I'm adding to it.
Although in some ways I know I have an illness, I still think it is my fault for being like this and I should be able to stop. I've lost control. There is no way I can ever be loved or good enough all the time I continue with this behaviour. I am unlovable and don't even know why I am here at all.
I do want treatment. I want to stop being like this. I need to stop eating, bingeing and using laxatives but if the problem is 'me', the person I am then there is no cure or a way of getting better. The behaviour is a result of who I am.
Now I feel bad because of what I am putting other people through. I think I just cause worry and concern for others and it would be better if I weren't here. K has done so much to help me and I just keep letting her down and getting worse. All I can think about is being with her and wanting her to look after me. That's not fair on her.
I am trying to hold off taking laxatives but then I think about all the food I have just consumed and how bad and repulsively fat I am and I just want to get rid of it all. The only way I can feel better is by being empty again and punishing myself.
The diet pills came this morning and if I take enough of them maybe I won't be able to eat at all. Then I will feel better.
Thanks for the hug. You do help by understanding and supporting me.
Karen x
I'm sorry Nigel, the feelings will only continue building until I take action to get rid of this food.
I need to be empty again. I need to punish myself.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">Is there some way that you could not attach ‘good’ or ‘bad’ labels to food? Just try to imagine it all as being neutral.<div align="right">Originally posted by Nigel - 19 January 2006 : 14:36:04</div id="right">
</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
I can't because I know it is bad. All this food is doing is adding to the disgusting fat that's already on my body. This food is adding to my 'badness'.
My punishment is to use laxatives and I have to do it. I deserve it.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Hi Karen,
This is not your fault at all, and we have 'proved' before that you are a good person. Do you remember all those positive descriptions of yourself people on here gave you a few months back. Maybe we could do that again?
You are like you are because of circumstance and others that have influenced your life in years gone by. You had no control of that at the time, so there is no need for shame, disgust or guilt about yourself.
Remember you have more friends on here than many others.
I just hope that clinic and the PCT get their act together soon, as I know its the loss of hope that the recent fiasco gave you, that is making you so bad at the moment.
You know this will get better.
(((BIG HUGS)))
Ray
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance, I hope you dance.
~Mark Sanders and Tia Sillers
Hi Karen,
It is not your fault you can't stop this, you are not evil etc. You are good enough as a person right now and you are already loveable. You are one of the nicest most supportive caring people I have come across here so don't put yourself down. I know you can't help it but there is so much good in you.
This behaviour is a result of the anorexia not you as a person. As a person you have some problems but they can all be resolved in time and with the right help.
It would NOT be better if you weren't here at all, please don't think like that. Don't worry about concerning us either, of course we are concerned for you but because we care.
Keep holding off those pills and laxatives, you can do it. You do not have to take them. Karen can be stronger than Edie.
Lisa x
You are all so kind, thank you.
I should be able to stop doing this. I feel more of a failure every time I give in and binge. It is my fault. No one makes me do it. It's my responsibility.
But I don't feel in control anymore. I don't want to be here anymore if this is what my life is going to be like.
I need K so much. I wish I could be with her right now but I don't deserve her help.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Hi ya hun,
Like Nigel says you do have a choice to take or not take any tablets and your poor old bod has taken enough of a hammering with the laxatives as it is.:(
You need (like us all) to become your own best friend:) not your own worst enemy[}:)]. You have done nothing bad therefore nothing needs redressing. Edie is evil[}:)] - Karen is good[8)].
We all think you are the bees knees on here - stand back and look at you as you really are.
Big time hug that could have us in casualty[:O]:D:D
Piglet xx
Hi Piglet
How are you today?
All the time I feel so bad about myself and the fact that I have pathetically given in and binged again, I feel like I need to punish myself. The only thing that helps to make up for this is to physically hurt myself and that's why I've taken laxatives - sorry [:I].
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">Edie is evil[}:)] - Karen is good[8)].</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
I am not sure where Edie ends and I start anymore. Sometimes I think she has taken over completely.
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">Big time hug that could have us in casualty[:O]:D:D</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
Lol! At least there is no food in casualty [Duh!]
Sometimes I think I am going mad with all these thoughts and taunts in my head. I know they are just thoughts but I cannot ignore them. I deserve and do need to punish myself :(
Karen x
Hi Karen, there is nothing I can say that hasent been said, but i would like to re inforce you are not bad at all, you are a lovely and kind person and valuable to many on here for your wonderful advice. Take care.xxxx
Most of lifes battles are won, by looking beyond the clouds to the sun:
and having the patience to wait for the day,when the sun comes out and the clouds go away.
love from Alexisxx
Thank you Nigel and Alexis.
I am so sorry for all the trouble I am causing and I don't mean to cause concern.
Wish I could get back in control and stop going from crisis to crisis. I'll get through without doing anything too serious to myself, as I always do but I wasn't able to resist the laxatives. Guess I just have to wait for the effects of these now [xx(]. Being physically ill will take my mind off the emotional distress for a while at least.
I keep trying to break this cycle but cannot find a way of doing it and then I take self-destructive action again. Being alone all the time doesn't help because Edie's thought take over and she dominates me. I try to eat sensibly but then every few days I end up bingeing and the self loathing takes over again.
Although I don't want to tell my doctor how much I am struggling or what I am doing to myself, I will see if she can help with the funding problem so I can get some treatment as soon as possible. I don't want to live like this anymore, but I don't want to give up either. I'm just at a loss to know what to do or how to cope.
I had everything under control and knew where I was going and what I was doing until these recent events. Now I am trapped in a constant cycle of despair and hopelessness.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Hi Karen,
You're not causing trouble and if we are concerned it's because we care about you.
Ok so you've taken the laxatives, that's done now, but please do not take any diet pills aswell, it's not necessary. I wish you could break this cycle too Karen, that's why I suggested telling the doctor how bad things are in the hope she could get the funding sorted quickly. At least she may be able to help with the sugar cravings.
Anyway just know I'm still thinking of you. I hope you don't feel too ill later.
Lisa x
Hi Karen,
Just wanted to let you know im thinking of you, i know how hard this is for you and to believe that is not your fault, for that you need special help which in your case has been nil, i still cant believe after all this time you have not got the help you so badly need.
I hope you take in how much people think of you here, and that no matter what you do to yourself that will not change
take care
kairen x
Thank you both again [8)]. I don't know how you all put up with me. I'm really overwhelmed with the constant support I receive here. I'm so lucky to have you guys. I don't know what I would do without you.
Lisa: I have prepared something in writing to give to my doctor tomorrow. I am torn between wanting to get some help quickly and I know it is getting urgent now, and not wanting to say anything too bad that might make my doctor think I can't afford to wait for funding approval to come through. I don't want to end up in hospital or in an NHS unit somewhere.
Although I've taken laxatives I did stop myself before I took as many as I took on Tuesday night. It was only a couple less and I'll still get diarrhoea but probably not as bad as yesterday. Once I start taking them I just keep swallowing them usually. I'm not even thinking about what I am doing to myself. All I can think about is getting rid of what's in my body.
I haven't taken any diet pills yet. There's not exactly much point today. I've already binged and the damage is done now. If I'd had them first thing this morning maybe it would've been different.
I'm trying to listen and get rid of them but what does this actually achieve? I've flushed pills away before but then have another crisis and order more. I need to find a way of having the pills here and being able to resist taking them. I don't know if I can do that though.
Kairen: Thanks for your support. It's very much appreciated.
It's at least partly my fault I haven't had specialist help before, but that's because the only NHS help would have meant going into hospital.
Sometimes it is hard to see what, if anything, will help really.
Karen x
Hi Karen,
Well done for writing something for your doctor tomorrow, I really think you should give it to her, it may spur her on to get the clinic funding sorted out quickly. Once she knows about the sugar cravings that may explain some things too. I'm so glad you can see that things are getting urgent.
I'm glad you didn't take as many laxatives as the other day, and well done for not taking any diet pills today. I think you need to get rid of them and then find a way to not buy any more, all the time they are in the house they are a temptation.
Karen I wonder how you put up with me sometimes too! Lol. You are not hard to put up with though, as you're such a lovely person and have been a huge support to me, for which I can't thank you enough :)
Take care,
Lisa x
Hi Lisa
I have explained in the note to my doctor what has been happening but an edited version. I realise she needs to know I am struggling but I don't want her to think it is too urgent that she has to act straight away. I have asked if there is anything she can do to help the application process for funding move more quickly.
I hope she can help with the sugar cravings. I think that might help quite a lot at present.
There wasn't much point taking diet pills after a binge. The tough bit is avoiding taking them before I've eaten anything. I resisted ordering any more for some time until things got too much this week and I became overwhelmed again. It is so easy to get hold of them so the temptation is there constantly.
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">Karen I wonder how you put up with me sometimes too! Lol. You are not hard to put up with though, as you're such a lovely person and have been a huge support to me, for which I can't thank you enough :)
</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
Ditto!! :D;)
Karen x
I read somewhere once that if you dip the tip of a wet finger into some sugar and eat that and then wait 10 mins it will curb a sugar craving.
I have no idea of the validity of that since I am more of an all of nothing sort of girl myself.
I think human nature is such that if we deny ourselves something then we want it even more - so I don't deny myself anything and that way have no desire to binge on it.
Obviously your relationship with food is related to using it as a weapon to hurt yourself with by either denying yourself or going completely the other way. If we could get you to see you have no reason to hurt yourself then we would be well on the way to sorting this out.
It's the people who have hurt you that have the problem - not you - you are punishing yourself for their shortcomings.
Another big casualty squeeze coming up[:O]:)
Piglet xx
"Supposing a tree fell down, Pooh, when we were underneath it?" said Piglet.
"Supposing it didn't," said Pooh after careful thought.
Hi Nigel
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">Well I guess you’re sitting on the toilet with the laptop now [:I].</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
Not yet [:I]. It takes a few hours for the effects to kick in [xx(].
Yes I did post before taking the laxatives and had I not binged I might have been able to resist taking any. I just can't stand the thought of all this bad food inside me.
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">Would it be an idea to next time post on here even sooner – before you give in to the cravings? Perhaps we can provide enough support and distraction to help you through it. Worth a try?</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
Yes it would've been a better plan. I will try that next time. I know I wouldn't give in if I were not here alone.
Glad you were joking about the job!
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Hi Piglet
I haven't heard that about the sugar. I suppose it is better than bingeing although I don't know whether it would work. Eating sugary food tends also to lead to wanting more sweet foods. Curiously it also helps me feel less thirsty.
I also read today that taking glycerine can help although the person recommending it suggested mixing it with water and lemonade to disguise the taste which doesn't sound too promising [Ugh] Anyone heard of this or whether it works?
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">Obviously your relationship with food is related to using it as a weapon to hurt yourself with by either denying yourself or going completely the other way. If we could get you to see you have no reason to hurt yourself then we would be well on the way to sorting this out.</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
Yes true. And also as a way of avoiding dealing with my emotional problems. Physical pain is easier for me to deal with than the way I am feeling emotionally.
It's the people who have hurt you that have the problem - not you - you are punishing yourself for their shortcomings.
Thanks for your support.
Karen x
Night night flower - I have to go up now as you very well know my lotions and potions do take some time[:I][:I][:I]:D
Piglet xxx
Night Piglet and thank you.
Karen x
Have been on the verge of crying because I don't know what to do anymore. I'm ruining friendships and losing any hope of approval and respect from those I am desperate for attention from.
Basically I am sabotaging myself and I can't stop. I'll be alone and unhappy forever, and it's all my own fault.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Hi Karen,
How are you feeling tonight?
I'm not sure about the glycerine I'm afraid. The fact that you crave sugar and feel thirsty and the fact that the sugar stops you feeling thirsty does make me think it could be mild diabetes or at least to do with blood sugars, have you been tested for that?
I don't say that to scare you, but I know you don't worry about your health like I do. There's many other reasons too though so it probably isn't that. I hope the gp can help anyway. Is the doctors in the morning or afternoon? Good luck with it anyway.
I do hope you're not feeling too bad Karen, I am thinking of you.
Piglet - You must have lovely skin by now :D
I'll say night night incase I don't post again, this forum is timing out worse than ever on me tonight.
Lisa x
Hi again!
Karen - we must have been posting at the same time almost, I didn't see your latest post as it was taking me so long to post!
It's a shame you can't have a good cry, it can help. You're not ruining any friendships or losing any respect from anyone. There is no reason to believe you'll be alone and unhappy forever, in fact with the right help just the opposite could be true. I know you' re actually alone but I'm with you in spirit and in the virtual world, I know it's not the same and doesn't make up for actual company.
Big hug,
Lisa x
Thanks Lisa.
I'm upset again tonight and have been on the verge of crying but stop myself. I can't afford to let go emotionally.
Yes I need to ask me doctor about the thirst and sugar tomorrow. I know my blood sugars have been tested in the regular blood tests I have but I've been told I need a urine test as it might not show up on blood tests.
It would be a relief to know there is a medical cause and no I don't worry about health problems. I just want to be able to stop craving sugar.
My appointment is at 2pm tomorrow.
The forum is timing out on me too tonight.
Thanks for your support today.
Karen x
Hi Karen,
I did reply to you feeling like crying above, I think both times we were posting at the same time. Lol.
Why can't you afford to let go emotionally? It may do you good. I don't really cry very often but sometimes it really helps. A few weeks back I had a really good cry, I didn't think I would stop, but it can really help if you are able to. It helps get out all the pent up emotions.
Good luck with the doctors tomorrow, yes a urine test can be a good way to check for protein (e.g raised blood sugar). There are many other things that can cause thirst though but your gp will check I'm sure.
You're welcome to the support, thanks for your support today too.
I hope you can sleep and don't spend the night on the loo.
Lisa x
Thank you Lisa. I can't get on your thread at the moment because it keeps timing out on me, so I'll just say here that I'm thinking of you in case I can't get on there.
I don't know why I can't let go. Maybe because I've been shouted at so much in the past and chastised for crying. This is something else my parents used to tell me I was bad for doing and they said I was just attention seeking.
Think it will be a while before I'll be able to sleep yet as I've started running to the loo now. My own fault though.
Unfortunately I know how bad I am for eating and I make it worse for myself when I indulge in this self-destruction. I am desperate for approval but ruin things for myself. I'm so stupid.
Thanks again Lisa
Karen x
Hi Karen,
Thanks for thinking of me. Don't worry that you can't get on my thread at the moment, it's only full of my waffle! Lol. This thread has timed out on me loads and just took 5 minutes to open. Don't get me wrong I'm grateful we have a forum and a slow forum is better than no forum but it does drive me mad. Lol.
I understand why you can't cry easily, buy crying is not bad so if you are able to cry at any time, just let it happen and don't try and stop it.
Sorry you're running to the loo so much, I hope it settles down soon.
Eating is not bad Karen, it's the anorexia that says that, we all need to eat and consume nutrients. The first thing is to break the binge/laxative cycle though and hopefully the doctor can help with that part a bit tomorrow. If the cravings can be helped maybe you won't binge and then can stop the laxatives too.
You are not stupid [OK]. In fact Karen I can tell just from your posts that you are an intelligent woman. You do not need to seek approval from anyone, I understand why you think you do, but people like you for who you are now - which is a good person :) I hope you get some sleep when you stop running to the loo.
Night night.
Lisa x
Hi Lisa
It's funny isn't it, I can get on this one though it has timed out on me a few times but every time I try to get on yours it times out [Duh!] A slow forum is better than none at all. I'd feel totally isolated without it.
I think I'd have a much better chance of stopping the laxatives if I could get the cravings and bingeing under control.
I feel the need to seek approval because I don't feel like I've everhad this before. I've been put down and told how bad I am, and it's difficult to break free for believe that it's true.
Hope you sleep well too.
Night Lisa.
Karen x
Morning guys,
Well I certainly did my bit of crying this morning - I had two good friends (one last night and one this morning) ring to say their dads had passed away.
Both were devastated but particularly my friend this morning as she is incredibly close to her parents. I have just spent the whole call with her and I crying our heads off.
I may not get on today so much as I want to be around to speak to her again later.
I hope you both had a decent nights sleep and I will try and catch up later.
Karen big hugs poppet xxxxxx
Piglet xxxxx
Hi Karen,
Just a quick one as I'm meant to be getting ready to go to the chiropractor in ten minutes and still have wet hair!
How are you today? I hope you got some sleep and that you didn't run to the loo too much. Good luck with the doctors this afternoon, I will be thinking of you.
I'm sorry I won't be about much today either as I have the chiropractor and then the ME trial this afternoon. You will be in my thoughts though.
Piglet - So sorry about your friends Dads, I really feel for them. They are lucky to have a friend like you to talk to though :)
Take care all,
Lisa x
Hi Guys
I'm not doing well again this morning. I get so distressed abou this visits to see my doctor because it means being weighed. I cannot bear to see how much more weight I have gained since last time. It's going to be loads I just know it will.
I have been in bed and trying to sleep to avoid thinking about it but have not been very successful. I've just been tossing and turning.
The laxatives did not make me ill enough last night. I should've taken more and now I don't think I have caused myself enough damage or punished myself enough. I still feel like I have too much food inside me and need to get rid of it. I need to take more laxatives.
These damn cravings are bugging me again today so now I am even more tempted to swallow a load of the diet pills so I can remain in control and avoid eating. I hate this and I despise myself.
Piglet - sorry to hear about your friends.
Lisa - Hope the appointments go well.
I just want to hide away and not see anyone. In fact, I don't want to be here at all. I am such a fat blob.
Karen
Need some escapism so I am watching the Carpenters film again [8)] [Oops!]
And now someone is banging again next door and it's really doing my head in. I just want to hide under the duvet, go to sleep and not wake up :(:(:(
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Loneliness is a such a sad affair
And I can hardly wait to be with you again
What to say to make you come again
Come back to me again
Carpenters lyrics that sum up how I'm feeling right now. I am desperate to be with K.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Thanks for your reply Nigel.
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">When I’ve been in self-destruct mode it’s sometimes helped me to just get out of the house for a while. Focus all the feelings you have to do something unhelpful into throwing on some clothes and stomping out of the flat and around town for a while. It’s helped me to calm down in the past – both the exercise and the act of removing me from the problem and from temptation.</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
Not a good idea. I don't want to be near any shops or the temptation of food... :(
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Hi Karen,
Just popped on in between appts to have a quick read, I couldn't help but post after seeing that you're still struggling. Sorry I'm not around much for you today.
You don't need more laxatives and certainly not diet pills, and try not the watch the video, none of this is helpful. The laxatives are just making you ill and depleting your body of essential salts.
Good luck at the doctors, I will be thinking of you, let us know what she says.
I hope the noise has died down now.
Sorry this is short but not really meant to be typing much after the chiropractor as it effects my posture and the adjustments she makes.
Lisa x
P.S I think Nigels suggestion is good but understand why you don't want to walk round shops. Is there anywhere you could go for a nice walk instead in the sun? Are you near a park? I can't remember how close to the sea you are either? A good walk by the sea always makes me feel better.
Lisa x
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">Hi Lisa,
Great minds think alike [^] [8D]
<div align="right">Originally posted by Nigel - 20 January 2006 : 13:13:41</div id="right">
</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
Hi Nigel,
Yes they do! Lol. See Karen we can't both be wrong can we ;)
Lisa x
Sorry I do not want to go for a walk. It won't help. I will still be on my own and stuck with these thoughts. I am being tormented with all of this going round in my head.
I need K. I need to be with someone who cares. I need to not be on my own anymore.
Don't even want to go out to the doctor's this afternoon because the surgery is in town and too near the shops. I am so pathetic and stupid that I'll give in. I do need the diet pills and I need to make myself ill with more laxatives. It's the only way.
Sorry. I know how bad and evil I am.
Lisa - Don't worry about replying. Just look after yourself.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Just thinking of Kathleen:
I love you in a place where there's no space or time
I love you for in my life you are a friend of mine
And when my life is over remember when we were together
We were alone and I was singing this song for you
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Just popping in - Nigel and Lisa are right hun, you really need distraction from these thoughts and the only way to do this is change what you are doing.
If I were feeling panicky and wanted to try to help myself if I can't get out, then as much as I hate housework I go and do some. It doesn't have to be housework but it has to be something to break the chain - if only for an hour!!!
Sometimes hard as it is some effort has to come from within - as much as people care for us ultimately they can't do it for us.
I have discovered this many times over in my life not just in anxiety situations, friends and support do make all the difference and its a joy to have them in your life, but deep deep down that last push has to come from us.
Let us know how you get on at the doctors later.
:D:D:D:D:D
Piglet xxx
"Supposing a tree fell down, Pooh, when we were underneath it?" said Piglet.
"Supposing it didn't," said Pooh after careful thought.
Hi Karen,
Think of it this way by exersising going out for a walk etc is getting the baddness out of you and it's much better then taking pills etc... Even if it's just a gentle walk that still burns calories.
Take Care hun.
Love & Hugs,
PIP'S X X X X
Sorry I know everyone is trying to help and I do appreciate the support. This is my fault for being like this. Obviously I am not helping myself. I don't deserve any help.
I took the diet pills.
I've been to the doctors but no one has been in touch with her. She said she will email the PCT and try to push things along with the funding but there is nothing else she can do.
She wants me to have more blood tests to check out the reasons for my thirst and sugar cravings but I couldn't get an appointment for this for another 2 weeks. She said it could be something like a salt or electrolyte imbalance due to the laxatives and asked me to try to stop taking them. I can't though all the time I keep eating like this and the craving cause me to eat. So I'll have to use pills to stop myself.
Being out for a while hasn't helped and I still feel just as low and distressed as earlier. It's cold out there too. Now I am back in bed. I have no motivation or will to do anything. I'm sure I won't hear from K today either so I just wish I could be unconscious. I can't face the rest of the day.
My doctor is great and trying to help but doesn't know what to do either. She tried to cheer me up by telling me that I'd lost 2 kilos from the last time I saw her. It's better than finding out I've gained but I still weigh too much. At least my BMI has dropped slightly.
I still have such a long way to go to get back to my target though :(
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Hi Karen,
Well done for coping with the doctors. I'm glad she is emailing the PCT, hopefully that will help. I'm glad she is doing blood tests, electrolyte imbalance crossed my mind too as laxatives do deplete you of so many essential salts.
I can't say well done on the weight loss though but now you have lost a bit can you at least try and maintain now and see how that goes?
Please stop taking the diet pils, they are not good for you, and your doctor is right not to take any more laxatives.
You are not bad or evil Karen, you just think you are. It is NOT true and you do deserve help.
Piglet is right though we do all have to help ourselves (and this bit can be really hard) as well as get support from others. Is there anything you can distract yourself with, I know you can't change the fact that you are alone but you can stop yourself just sitting there thinking. Do you read, do word puzzles etc? Anything really is ok.
Could you put a film on (not the carpenters one!). I am trying to think of ways to help but not sure anything helps really.
Anyway thinking of you.
Lisa x
Well done for going to the doctors:)
I wonder if you could get in touch with Jac - I am sure if she realised how you are struggling at the mo she would want to help, even if its just for an hours company.
Piglet xxx
Hi Lisa & Piglet
Thanks for your support. I really appreciate it when you have your own things to worry about today.
Piglet - I can't see or speak to Jac as she is too busy and I also don't want to add to her burden when she has enough to deal with already. She is trying to help her mum come through her grief and I know it is really taking its toll on her. I don't want to give her anything else to worry about.
Lisa - I just don't know how to get through the next few hours, let alone weeks until the results come back. If it's electrolyte imbalance she'll just tell me to stop using laxatives. If I could stop I wouldn't be using them in the first place. I don't think this is the cause really anyway. I've only had the thirst and sugar cravings since I started eating. I was fine when I was fasting.
I am not going to lie and say that I can maintain my weight where I am now. I am still way above where I felt comfortable and I don't think I will be able to stop trying to lose weight until I am back there again. Besides I am bound to be a little lighter today after the laxatives I took yesterday. As soon as I eat my weight will probably go up again.
I try to distract myself but nothing helps. I don't find it easy to read because I can't concentrate. I sometimes play computer scrabble but I've just got no interest in anything, not even watching a film - apart from the one no one wants me to watch. All I can think about is being with K and that I need to be good enough by losing weight.
Wish I could just go to sleep and not wake up. I don't want to deal with this anymore.
Karen x
Hi Karen,
I am thinking of you, big (((((hugs)))). I wish I knew what to say to help to be honest. You can get through the next hours/days, just take it step by step, minute by minute if necessary and you can do it. I wish I could stay online and get you through it but I have to go and have a rest now and then cook tea etc.
I am thinking of you though so hang in there.
Are you sure Jac wouldn't want to see you, maybe she would like a friend to talk to? You don't have to tell her how bad things are if you don't want to but maybe you could even help her with something. Just a thought.
Take care.
Lisa x
P.S Electrolyte balances can be treated so don't give up hope of the cravings going away.
Thanks Lisa. Don't worry about not being able to stay online. I should be able to do this alone anyway.
I am sure I can't see Jac. She's not even at home tonight and weekends are her family time with Alan and Millie.
Just have to face facts that I am alone and always will be.
Hope you have a good rest.
Karen x
Hi Karen,
Just popped on while my tea cooks, I've had a nice hours rest.
You are not expected to do this alone and don't have to, we are all here to support you and hopefully you'll get some professional help soon too.
You don't know you'll be alone forever, that is what my CBT lady would called predictive thinking or fortune telling, predicting things about the future that you can't possible know but predicting that it will be negative. There is no reason to think you will always be alone, you never know what could happen.
I didn't necessarily mean see Jac tonight, maybe in the week or something?
Still thinking of you.
Lisa x
Hi Lisa
Jac is busy whenever I contact her. She's got Millie to look after and she is helping her mum with her house hunting, as well as helping her through her grief. I can't add to what she is aleady dealing with, particularly when I'm as low as I am now because it's too hard to hide it.
I am negatively predicting but I don't see why things will different now to how they have always been.
Thanks for popping back to write to me. I don't know what I'd do without this site.
I'm feeling more alone than usual with K not being around today. I had a feeling she wouldn't write today and it looks like I am right. She did read my message though and so I am worried I've said something wrong. It always seems the people I need are not around at the same time, but then I feel bad because I should be able to cope alone.
I think I need to increase the diet pills tomorrow.
Karen x
There was a man
A lonely man
Who lost his love
Through his indifference
A heart that cared
That went unshared
Until it died
Within his silence
And solitaire's the only game in town
And every road that takes him
Takes him down
And by himself it's easy to pretend
He'll never love again
And keeping to himself
He plays the game
Without her love
It always ends the same
While life goes on around him everywhere
He's playing solitaire
A little hope
Goes up in smoke
Just how it kills
Goes without saying
Hi Karen,
I understand about Jac, it was just an idea, just trying to help.
Just because things have always been a certain way doesn't mean they can't be different in the future. Things could end up better than you ever could have imagined. Don't ever give up hope.
I doubt you've upset K, she doesn't always reply as soon as she reads a message. She'll be just fine and will be in touch soon.
You shouldn't be able to cope alone, you are dealing with a horrible illness, and we all need people to support us, nothing wrong with that.
I don't think you need to increase the diet pills tomorrow in fact you don't need to take them at all. They are not helpful or useful, although I don't think you'll necessarily agree. Put it this way, even when you are using laxatives/pills etc and losing weight, it still doesn't make you happy does it, it just makes you ill as well as unhappy, so it really doesn't help to take them. OK lecture over :) Lol.
I have to go and have my tea now, take care.
Lisa x
Thanks again Lisa
Just am not coping at all well today and I need K so much. All I can think about is being with her.
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">Put it this way, even when you are using laxatives/pills etc and losing weight, it still doesn't make you happy does it, it just makes you ill as well as unhappy, so it really doesn't help to take them.</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
I am not losing weight though and that's part of the problem. That's why I need the diet pills. I am so pathetic that I keep giving in to these cravings. I need to lose weight.
I wish this could be over.
Karen x
Why do I do it? First I take slimming pills to stop myself eating. Now even with the pills I've just eaten. I haven't binged I suppose which is an improvement but food is still bad. I've had a slice of turkey, some baked beans and a rice cake.
But now I feel bad for eating and think I need to take laxatives again.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
I feel like I've failed though because I should be starving. I need the laxatives.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Hi Nigel
I appreciate what you are saying but I am only feeling dreadful because I am not fasting consistently. When I can do it properly I feel so much better. It is the bingeing which is causing all the problems. Without this problem I would be fine.
And I still think my thirst is causing the cravings. Eating something sweet is the only thing that helps me feel less thirsty.
I've had enough of this. I have been thinking maybe I should get some extra sleeping pills so I can take more and sleep for much of the day. I wouldn't have to face any of this then. I just want a way out.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Hi hun,
Just saying nighty night really - sorry I haven't been much use today, its been a bit of a strange one.:(
Lots of hugs and a reminder you are not on your own and come the spring perhaps a get together [Yes!]???
Big hugs from your mate Piglet :):):)
Hi Karen,
Still thinking of you. Well done for eating the turkey and beans and rice cakes, they are all excellent choices and very healthy, the protein will do you so much good. I know you feel bad for eating but you body needs to eat. Try and resist the laxatives, remember you haven't binged, you've just eaten some sensible healthy food. Your body really needs this nutrition after all the laxative abuse. You may be having cravings as you're thirsty but there could still be a medical reason for this yet.
You haven't failed at all, in fact you could look at this as one over on Edie today, if you eat Edie has failed but Karen is winning and it's Karen that matters here.
Just keep taking it step by step and one day this will all improve, get your blood tests done and then get the clinic sorted and who knows what you can achive. I can visualise you getting better and making an excellent therapist, I just know you could help so many people. Remember that we are all here for you and all willing you on, not to mention sending you big hugs and positive vibes.
Thinking of you Karen, I hope you sleep well. Night night mate,
Lisa x
Hi Guys
Piglet - No worries about not being on here much. Sounds like it has been a tough day for you. I hope you and your friends are OK. I remember how shocked and upset I was when I heard that Jac's dad had died suddenly. It knocked me too even though he wasn't family.
Look after yourself and I hope tomorrow is a bit better.
Lisa - Thanks so much for all the support again today.
There might be a medical reason for my thirst but it's not helping. It will be several weeks before I even find out and I don't know how I am going to get through if I carry on like this.
I've now eaten loads of grapes on top of what I had for tea and feel such a pig again. It might not be as bad as the sweets and chocolate I usually binge on but it's still too much when I was planning on fasting. I am afraid I'm about to give in and take laxatives again. I can't stand feeling like this.
Am still panicking so much about K too :(:(:(
Karen x
Hi Karen,
I just popped back to turn my pc off on my way to bed and saw you'd posted.
You're welcome to the support today, thanks for supporting me too.
K will be fine I'm sure, I know you worry about her but she will be in touch again soon.
You will get through the next few weeks as we will all help you.
Grapes will be fine, again very healthy and hardly any calories. Please don't take the laxatives, give your body a chance to recover, you don't need laxatives as well as pills today. You haven't binged, just eaten a small amount of healthy nutritious food.
I'm sorry I really have to go to bed now, I wish I could stay and help more but I will be thinking of you.
Night mate,
Lisa x
Night Lisa and thanks.
Wish I could promise not to take laxatives but I'd be lying if I said I definitely won't. I am trying to be completely open and honest about what I am doing and I know it is likely I will taken them again tonight. I think I deserve the punishment anyway.
I am tempted to stay up all night to wait around for K now too. If she is alright she is likely to write to me early tomorrow morning and I need to know she is OK.
Karen x
I'm now watching the film again. I just am feeling so low and the only thing that will help now is to be with K and I can't be with her. Feel such despair and so alone.
Loneliness is a such a sad affair
And I can hardly wait to be with you again
What to say to make you come again
Come back to me again
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
nomorepanic
20-01-06, 23:30
Karen
Have been thinking about you today and I know that you say work is not an option but what about some hobbies that could keep you occupied?
I love cross stitch - I find it very calming and you have to concentrate on it so don't think of much else.
Sitting and waiting for K to reply is self-destructive so why not do something else as well.
You can if you want to get some work you can do at home - ask Trac about it. This will give you more self-worth and something to get up for in the morning.
As for the laxatives and diet pills - I dread to think what damage you are doing and you seem intent on destroying your life with them so I can't comnent cos it saddens me to see a life wasted like yours is.
I am always there for you Karen but please don't destroy you life for all this and it is not worth it.
There is a big world put there and you need to see it.
Don't reply and say you need to lose weight and you are fat. Don't reply and say you need K cos we have been there before.
Reply and say that you will take control and take steps (very small ones) to get this sorted one way or another and you will get some new hobbies and maybe some work to do at home. I accept no excuses for the not working at home cos loads do it.
Big hugs Karen and you can do this and change your life ok?
xxxx
Nicola
Hi Nic
I know you've posted this because you care and I also know I sound like a broken record but these are the issues that are the biggest problems for me right now.
Leaving that aside for now I have thought about hobbies but I don't have anything I am that interested in. I am considering doing a course from the distance learning training company that Piglet is training with, although concentration is difficult.
I am not able to do practical things like cross stitch because of my wrist problems. Fine detail activities like that are difficult.
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">I accept no excuses for the not working at home cos loads do it.
<div align="right">Originally posted by nomorepanic - 20 January 2006 : 23:30:01</div id="right">
</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">What happens if the Benefits Agency find out???
Sorry if I am getting on everyone's nerves. I don't mean to.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Hi Karen, still reading and thinking about you, you are not getting on anyones nerves, hugs to you xxxx
Most of lifes battles are won, by looking beyond the clouds to the sun:
and having the patience to wait for the day,when the sun comes out and the clouds go away.
love from Alexisxx
nomorepanic
20-01-06, 23:50
Karen
I appreciate the cross stitch thing - sorry I wasn't thinking, that was just one idea.
I didn't mean to be harsh about the work - I meant that you can earn more than the benefits surely?
You are not getting on my nerves I am just trying to suggest things and you are free to dismiss them as you will - I won't be upset.
I am trying to get your mind off things by thinking of stuff you can do in the day.
Hope you feel ok soon and stop the diet pills and laxatives ok?
Nicola
Thank you Alexis.
Nic - Don't worry, I know the cross stitch was an example. I do wish I had something I'm interested in that I can actually do.
I have picked two courses I want to do and am just considering whether to sign up now or wait until the beginning of February as apparently there are new special offers each month. I am likely to get more out of something like that than trying to take up a hobby I'm not really interested in.
I'm not officially allowed to earn any money from working because I'm in receipt of disability benefits. I expect people do but it would be just my luck that I'd be caught out and then I'd be in real trouble.
Thank you for the suggestion and trying to help. This is just a particularly bad patch for me right now. I don't expect anyone to understand about the laxatives and diet pills. I know this is self-destructive but I'm at the point that I am not able to care what I am doing to myself. I'm sorry. Maybe I should stop talking about it. I do try to stop.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Hi Karen,
Just saying hi and thinking of you, I don't have time to write more now but will later.
Bug hug,
Lisa x
Thanks Lisa.
I'm not doing well again today. Every day seems to be bad. I've been trying to stay in bed and sleep but there's too much noise going on.
Karen x
Good morning:D
A couple of things to pick up on from the working at home angle. You can earn between £15-£20 per week on top of any benefits you receive (you may just need to double check this applies to disability bens too and your personal circumstances).
I think the courses will be brilliant and yes I would sign up on the 1st of Feb and see what the offer is as it's only a week or so away.
Have you ever thought of doing what Ray does and doing just a few hours a week volunteer work. My mum does this too and I think the company really does her good.
There are lots of types and no pressure if you can't make it either.
Piglet xxxxxxxxxxxxx
"Supposing a tree fell down, Pooh, when we were underneath it?" said Piglet.
"Supposing it didn't," said Pooh after careful thought.
Hi Piglet
Thanks for your reply. It is not possible to work while receiving disability benefits without a lot of hassle and involvement of the Benefits Agency. This is from the information:
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">You cannot usually work while you are getting Incapacity Benefit, Severe Disablement Allowance, National Insurance Credits or Income Support because of illness or disability. You may be able to do the following types of work but you should check with your local Jobcentre, Jobcentre Plus or Social Security office before you start.
Permitted Work
You can work:
for earnings of up to and including £20.00 a week for an unlimited period, or
for less than 16 hours a week, on average, with earnings up to and including £81.00 a week (from 1 October 2005) for a 26 week period. The period can be extended for another 26 weeks if a Job Broker, Personal Adviser or Disability Employment Adviser agrees that it will help you towards work of 16 or more hours a week.
A Job Broker, Personal Adviser or Disability Employment Adviser must support the permitted work from the outset.</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
It is a lot of hassle and I really do not want to start having meetings with benefits staff etc. This will just add to my anxiety. Making it official also worries me that I'll get called for a medical and have my benefit reviewed.
I don't feel able to do voluntary work either. Being with strangers and having to talk will make me feel worse. I am so depressed now that I'm staying in bed all of the time. I just want to sleep so I can avoid feeling the way I do now.
It's not very practical anyway because once the clinic treatment starts I'll be there 4 days a week and I don't even know how I am going to be able to do that right now.
Karen x
Well maybe something to consider in the future possibly!!!
I can understand not really wanting to do work at the moment, voluntary or paid, as it does involve the benefits agency and you would rather leave things as they are. Also if you are going to start your courses and the clinic soon then I don't think you will have the time at present.
Nigel what a very kind person you are to go and try and find out that information as it does help the rest of us try and understand too.
Piglet xx
"Supposing a tree fell down, Pooh, when we were underneath it?" said Piglet.
"Supposing it didn't," said Pooh after careful thought.
hey karen,
[^]
sorry you are struggling at the moment.. those damn thoughts eh.. I wish you could switch them off sometimes!!
Please please stop watching that film.. if you are already depressed, its only going to make you worse. dont you have a light hearted comedy instead? something more uplifting? you could take a walk to the video shop and head for the comedy section for some light relief..
I can't believe in your earlier post you said you were evil!! that couldn't be further from the truth. You are a kind caring loving individual who deserves life just as much as the next person. and that is a FACT. next time you put yourself down, challenge yourself and say NO! I am a good person. you are. It will take a lot of work for you to achieve that belief but you can make little steps towards it.. you are worth it.. we all believe it! and a bunch of loopy loo's from NMP can't all be wrong!! (i include myself in the loopy loos by the way!)
we all have faith in you and when you begin to have some more faith in yourself you will realise life is worth living.. and you will get there, you really will.
sending you a big hug (only a casualty one if George Clooney is the doctor)
Lisa
xxx
"do not fear to hope...Each time we smell the autumn's dying scent, we know that primrose time will come again"
Hi Nigel
Thanks for finding this information, though I am not sure I really want to face the possibility that this is what is happening. I don't want to have any kind of eating disorder at all, but at least anorexia seems to me to be the one that felt right. It might be bad and wrong but I felt no shame in admitting to being anorexic, probably because controlling food, being strong by starving myself and losing weight all helped me feel better about myself. It gave me a sense of accomplishment and I was achieving something good - in my mind at least.
I do not want to be bulimic, let alone have food addiction. I do feel ashamed for bingeing. I hate myself for giving in to food cravings. In fact I have myself and am so disgusted with what I have been doing that I want to punish myself. I'd go as far as saying at times I want to die and believe I deserve to die.
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">The crucial issue is that once a craving is set up then the food addict is powerless to switch it off. Through absolute determination he or she may be able to resist bingeing but the craving persists. People with anorexia are absolutely terrified of this condition. They know that if they were to give into the craving then they would be powerless to prevent themselves becoming progressively fatter.</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
There doesn't appear to be much hope does there? :( I am getting increasingly desperate to stop this and I SHOULD be able to do it by willpower. It means I am failing again and I know I am the worst person on the planet.
The laxatives and diet pills are my latest attempts to stop what is happening to me. I'm now at a stage where I think I need to use laxatives daily and I am also exceeding recommended daily doses of prescription diet pills. I would take anything, no matter how dangerous if it could stop this.
I've just ordered extra supplies of sleeping pills. My latest thought centre around drugging myself up so much that I am asleep most of the time and therefore will be unable to eat. I won't have to face all this rubbish that's going on in my head either.
I'm so desperate to break this binge eating cycle and the cravings. I cannot gain any further weight. I just can't. It will be the end.
Sorry for anyone I am offending or upsetting with this. I won't post again if I am annoying anyone. I just can't see a way out and don't know what to do. I'm here alone and can't take this any longer.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Hi Karen,
I'm sorry you're still struggling today. I don't know what to say to your latest post really, I just wish I had some answers, but no one wants you to stop posting ok.
You really don't need daily laxatives and too many diet pills and I'm not sure extra sleeping pills are good either.
I just wish you could find some sort of distraction. I know you can't help being alone there, but sitting their thinking about K or your weight etc doesn't help. Is there really nothing you can do to try and distract yourself? I do know how hard it can be but it may help you feel better. I agree the courses sound a good idea.
You are NOT the worst person on the planet, this is just not true, you are one of the nicest :).
Sorry I can't say more to help, please don't take all those pills you don't need them honestly.
Thinking of you. Big hug.
Lisa x
This is really where the clinic comes in I suppose - because this is what they specialise in, they know the right things to say and do.
Please don't stop posting - yes we do get alarmed at the way you take so many tablets (well we would wouldn't we that's part of our anxiety lol) and we feel incredibly frustrated that we can't seem to help you break this pattern.
I suppose like I have said before, that final effort has to come from inside you. You have to really want to change and then get as much help as possible (I know all the clinic fiasco wasn't down to you). You could start by being more honest with Dr Plumpton rather than giving her the diluted version of how you are feeling.
I know it's part of everything to view the help available with suspicion but really there is no-one out there wanting to hurt you - the opposite is true they want you to beat this.
I think if you continue to feel this bad next week you should tell the doctor the full story and see if things can be pushed along quicker. What does K think.
The biggest thing for most of us is admitting we need help and then accepting it.
All of us on here have problems with this one!!!!
Lots of love Piglet xxx
Hi Lisa
I missed your post earlier. Yes, I wish it could be possible to switch off the thoughts.
I have other films but I can't stop watching this one. It has some kind of magnetic pull and I keep being drawn to it.
Wish it were true that I'm a good person but particularly with what I am doing at the moment it is hard for me to accept that this is the case.
Thank you for a very kind post Lisa. I do appreciate your support.
Karen x
Hi Lisa
Thanks for saying no one wants me to stop posting. I just worry that I am upsetting people. I don't want to cause any problems.
Wish I could stop taking the pills or even believe that I don't need them but the evidence proves otherwise. I am not in control of this anymore.
It isn't thinking about K that causes me distress. It is comforting to think about her. It is this food/weight situation that's causing me to despair. Nothing is able to distract me from these thoughts. I am permanently aware of how fat I am and of all the excess rolls and areas of fat on my body. I can't get away from this.
I appreciate you taking the time to write anything Lisa. I do understand that it is difficult to know what to say to me.
Karen x
Hi Piglet
Thanks for your reply. It's true I need some specialist help but something always goes wrong to prevent me actually getting this help.
I worry that frustration is aimed at me for not being able to stop what I am doing and because everyone will think I am not trying.
Dr Plumpton does know practically everything that's going on. I wasn't able to tell her exactly how distressed I was. I had written her a note explaining everything but stupidly left it at home. This meant I actually had to talk to her and it was difficult enough telling her about the bingeing, cravings and laxatives.
There really isn't anything she can do because funding comes down to the PCT and nothing will happen until they meet to discuss this. I don't want to get sent to hospital.
K was pleased that I told my doctor as much as I did - she knows I get scared about this and play things down. She is hoping things are sorted out with the clinic soon I think.
Karen x
Hi Nigel
I'm afraid things do feel hopeless and the thought of being addicted to certain foods makes it worse, like I won't ever be free of feeling this way.
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">There’s nothing to say that’s what’s happening. It was just some things I read that made sense to me, and I wondered if anyone else had any thoughts to confirm/dispel them.</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
This is my worst nightmare. I need to stop wanting to eat any food, let alone the fattening foods I've been eating. I am just getting more and more desperate and that makes me resort to taking all these pills and laxatives.
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">Also, if there is some truth in it then it does make it less your fault if you find it hard to resist some of these cravings. It’s due to the natural effects that these substances can have on the mind and body.</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
I think I would rather blame myself and believe it's my fault because that gives me hope that punishing myself enough will make a difference.
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">I’m sure if that’s the case then there must be a more subtle way of beating it than tackling it head on with willpower alone. [Where’s Meg & Lisa with the medical and nutritional cleverness when you need them? </td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
I'd be grateful for any ideas. I'm clearly failing at willpower. The pills are the only answer now.
I don't want to be bulimic... but I felt a sense of achievement at being anorexic because losing weight and becoming thin is my ultimate goal after all.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Things can't get any worse. Now I can't get onto my other forum, which means I can't write to K or hear from her.
Don't want to be here anymore
:(:(:(:(:(
Hi Karen,
Sorry to hear that you are having a bad time at present and that K is currently not contactable.
So you have this course coming up soon and hopefully the clinic, so you will soon have things to focus on and that will be good once they become certain.
But whilst you are waiting for them, it maybe an idea to give some thought to a small hobby for the future when you feel you have a bit more time. Even if you can't draw to save your life (I can't) could you attempt that, or would your bad wrist put a stop to that?
I must admit, I don't really know how you feel, but I do know I have felt so many things have seemed impossible due to lack of concentration and motivation. Do you think you could express these feelings in forms such as poetry, drawing etc?
Its just a thought, that's all. Maybe something to think about now for another day.
I bet you have some hidden talent there that has never had a chance to come out. [8D]
Big Hugs and Take care,
Ray
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance, I hope you dance.
~Mark Sanders and Tia Sillers
Hi Karen,
Try and stay calm, you will get onto the other forum soon I expect.
I know it's distressing but you can cope.
I want you to be here still so hang in there ok.
Big hugs and still thinking of you,
Lisa x
I can't do it without K. I felt bad enough before but I at least had the hope of receiving a message from her in the morning to give me something to hang on for. Now it is like some cruel twist of fate has taken this away from me too.
Have been bingeing again [xx(]:( which gives me even more excuse to beat myself up and to harm myself [B)]
I need to go to sleep and not wake up.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Just ordered a DVD version of The Karen Carpenter Story from Ebay because the video tape I have is suffering wear and tear.
I'm so scared the forum will be down all weekend and I won't hear from K. Keep panicking about whether she is ok and looking out for someone else too.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Really missing K et al tonight. I doubt she is going to be very impressed with what I've done tonight either.
Think I either need to wait up tonight in the hope the forum is back in the morning or take extra sleeping pills tonight and hope I sleep all of tomorrow too.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Hi Karen,
Big hug mate.
You don't know the forum won't be up and running by tomorrow so you may get a message from K tomorrow, you are catastrophising (as you would tell me). Don't wait up all night, you need some rest.
No need to beat yourself up over the binge and please no laxatives or harming yourself.
I don't know what to say about the DVD [:O] Karen you know this really won't help you, I wish I could help you break this self destructive behaviour cycle you seem locked in right now.
Sorry I haven't been about much, I have been resting as so tired and feeling a bit rough still. Thinking of you though. Hang in there, things aren't always as bad as they seem.
I'm hopefully off to bed soon, so I'll say goodnight now. If I go to see my Dad tomorrow I won't be around but I will be thinking of you.
I hope you get some rest, take care, night night,
Lisa x
Just saying goodnight :)
Don't wait up all night Karen for the other forum to start up - a watched kettle never boils!!!!
Big hug.
Love Piglet xx
"Supposing a tree fell down, Pooh, when we were underneath it?" said Piglet.
"Supposing it didn't," said Pooh after careful thought.
Thank you Lisa and Piglet.
Lisa - No need to say sorry for not being around today. I wasn't referring to you and I know you've had a busy day. I hope you have a great time with your dad tomorrow.
I'm afraid it's too late for the laxatives [xx(]
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">I don't know what to say about the DVD [:O] Karen you know this really won't help you, I wish I could help you break this self destructive behaviour cycle you seem locked in right now.</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
I wish I could break free of it too but I can't do it alone. I don't know what to do anymore :(
Karen x
Just bought a book about Karen Carpenter's life now too.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
I'm such a fat slob, particularly after everything I've eaten today. I want to break this cycle of fasting/bingeing and the self-destructive behaviour but I can't do it here on my own. And I am completely alone.
I have to keep telling myself the following:
The only freedom left is the freedom to starve
Starving is not pain, it's the cure
Hunger hurts but starving works
Food is a hindrance to success
Just realised I can't even trust my doctor now. I looked at my sleeping pills and noticed she has halved my dose without even discussing it with me.
It's a good job I've ordered some from the Internet because I have enough trouble sleeping as it is. I hope the new lot come quickly. I can't stand being awake anymore.
There is no one here locally that I can turn to. What's the point any more. I feel like the world has given up on me and so I might as well give up on it too.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
bluesparkle
22-01-06, 10:03
hi karen
no one has given up on you... we are all rooting for you to get better...
i know how lonely it must feel being on your own and trying to fight this but we are all here for you...
i know i dont post much but i do still keep reading and you are in my thoughts
like many others i wish there was something i could do to help but just wanted you to know im sending you posative vibes...
you are a lovely person ... you are always there to listen and reply to others...
i hope you are feeling a little better today...
take care
rach x
Thank you Rach. I have my friends here and I am very lucky and grateful for this.
It is just so hard being alone here all day every day and I feel I am being dragged under and there is nothing I can do. I have tried so hard to turn things around and to help myself but I've lost all will to try. I just can't do it alone anymore.
I've hardly slept and I don't feel able to face another long day of feeling like this. I am on the verge of giving up completely as I can't see any other way out of the torture that's my life.
Need some help but I cannot get help. I need to be with someone, particularly K but I can't be. I try to use the promised lunch date she's mentioned as something to work for and to keep going for but it is so far in the realms of impossibility for me right now that I don't believe I'll ever get there or that it will ever happen.
I can't even get through today.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
I got up for a while, changed the bed linen (haven't even bothered to do that for weeks [:I]), put some washing on and hoovered through the flat.
I'm trying to get back to sensible(ish) eating today and have just had a rice cake with marmite and turkey, and a few grapes for breakfast.
Although I am trying, I know I keep starting off like this but it's so hard to battle the anorexic thoughts when I am here alone. I want so much to lose weight and so I focus on thoughts that tell me the only way to be thin enough is to starve myself and not eat one mouthful of food. So I'm already struggling with these thoughts because I have eaten already today.
Then my anorexia kicks in at the other end of the scale with food craving and urges to binge. It is often worse when I have tried to eat sensible food, and little and often. It is like the anorexia punishing me in a way because I get the thought - "You've already failed by eating so now I'm going to tempt you with sweets, chocolates, cakes, biscuits... or whatever, until you've pigged out and are a gross, fat slob who deserves to be hated by everyone. You're so repulsive that you'll deserve to be alone and no one will ever love you like this."
These are the kinds of things that go through my head every minute of the day and I am stuck in this downward spiral from which there is no escape.
I still think the only way I can get through the rest of the day is by sleeping and want to take another sleeping pill to avoid dealing with any of this. I don't know how to do it any other way anymore.
Have already had my hopes dashed this morning and feel upset about that. But again it is my own fault. I can't be with or receive extra support from the people I am desperate to be with because of obsession. Yet again there is no way out.
Despite appearances to the contrary, I am trying so hard to keep going and to fight the anorexia, but I am just tired and no longer believe I can do it. It seems to me like anorexia has taken me over completely and there is no way back from this. Even if there could be a way to recover, I think I have messed up so badly and ruined relationships which mean everything to me.
I'm at a loss to know what to do next. I need some help.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Good morning flower,
I think you sound much more positive on the whole today!!!!
A big well done for eating the things you have:D:D:D:D.
Karen is it sunny where you are today???
Yesterday I sat wrapped in my coat in the garden to eat some lunch so I could get some sun on my face. I don't get out nearly enough in the daytime to get some sun so this was brilliant and I am sure the Vit D did me good.
Although I am getting out and about and in the day not just at night, it doesnt always correspond with the sun (have to grab it while its there don't you).
Do you feel at all strong enough to get out just for a 10 min dose???
Big squeeze poppet.
Piglet xxxx
"Supposing a tree fell down, Pooh, when we were underneath it?" said Piglet.
"Supposing it didn't," said Pooh after careful thought.
Hi Piglet
I'm trying to be a bit more positive but it's so hard when I really don't feel that way at all.
Finding the cravings hard to deal with again but I'm determined not to leave this flat or go anywhere near any shops today. As usual I cleared the kitchen of food yesterday after bingeing, although I managed to stop myself dumping everything, and instead binned the 'bad' foods. So I don't have anything here that I can binge on really, or if I did it wouldn't be quite so bad as far as calories are concerned, even though I'd still feel as bad about myself for failing again.
I am stuck really. I'm pretty sure I wouldn't keep bingeing if I could be out and about doing things and keeping busy, but I have nowhere to go or anything to do. I try to occupy myself at home but it's no good. I am so weak that I give in to my thoughts and the whole cycle starts again.
What's worse is that I did have control and I help onto that control for so long and all of a sudden it feels like I have no control at all.
The weather is cloudy here again, so not much fun to go outside even if there was anywhere locally to go.
I've done some housework and some washing. I'm not dressed and haven't had a bath because there really is no point when I'm here alone. I think 'slob' is an accurate description of me right now. I haven't even bothered washing my hair for over a week. Getting out of bed at all is so hard, let alone taking care of myself and I don't care what I look like anymore, as I already believe I am a fat slob.
The laxatives from last night hardly worked at all. I stopped at 10 but think I should've taken more. When I took 12 the other day I was very ill but at least I felt empty and better for it afterwards.
On the other hand I know the health consequences of what I am doing and I do want to stop. I just don't know how to. I haven't taken any diet pills so far today and it is a real challenge just holding off from taking these. I sent for some supplements which came yesterday and these are supposed to help balance sugar levels so I am taking these and hope they help. At least these are not harmful and are things my body probably needs.
Don't know what to do now. If I stay awake all day I am scared the cravings will get the better of me. I am tempted to take another sleeping pill and get a few more hours sleep but I still only have a limited supply and they are half the strength of the ones I am used to. I know ordering pills from the internet is not good but I need to be able to sleep and I don't know why my doctor has cut the dose of my medication. I am scared of running out completely before the ones I ordered arrive. I don't sleep at all without the pills.
I can't think of anything that will distract me enough to prevent me bingeing so I'm going to have to take a sleeping pill I think. I need to break the bingeing cycle and if I am asleep I can't eat.
Karen x
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">Hi Piglet
I am stuck really. I'm pretty sure I wouldn't keep bingeing if I could be out and about doing things and keeping busy, but I have nowhere to go or anything to do. I try to occupy myself at home but it's no good. I am so weak that I give in to my thoughts and the whole cycle starts again.
Karen x
<div align="right">Originally posted by Karen - 22 January 2006 : 13:42:00</div id="right">
</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
Yes this is the tricky one - I think we all benefit from regular company to distract us from our thoughts, I know I do.
I am really proud of you today hun - Nigel is right, to keep trying is the important thing.:D
Focus on what you have managed to achieve today rather than what you haven't.
Well done mate:)
Piglet xx
"Supposing a tree fell down, Pooh, when we were underneath it?" said Piglet.
"Supposing it didn't," said Pooh after careful thought.
Thank you Piglet.
I'm finding it a real struggle and still experiencing self-loathing because I am in this mess. I can't believe that a couple of months ago I could go all day without eating and it was easy. It was easier to starve than to eat.
I hate being like this now. Distraction here alone does not work. I've been keeping busy all day and it isn't helping. I can't stop the thoughts.
Need to break this pattern of bingeing and laxative abuse but I don't see how I can do it when I am here alone 24/7. The only alternative is to try to sleep all day. A few days of very restricted eating would allow me to break this pattern. I'm sure it would.
To sleep I need my sleep medication and I'm still upset that my doctor has reduced the dose without discussing it with me. I'm going to run out if I start doubling up to the dose I am used to, and taking it more often so I can sleep.
Anyone know where I can get some delivered quick on the internet??? [Sigh...]
Karen x
Hi Karen,
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">These are the kinds of things that go through my head every minute of the day and I am stuck in this downward spiral from which there is no escape.
</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
I can say from experience that I have spent long periods of feeling there is no escape too. That was earlier in 2004 when no health profesional was offering any help to me and also before I found this site. I was alone for so much of the time, and had few people to speak to - I was burdening my brother with his almost daily visits and I broke down in tears when a friend would visit on a rare occasion.
Whilst our anxiety is in very different forms, there are several similarities here that influence our state of mind - the lonlieness; the lack of hope in appopriate healthcare; the historical background and of course the lack of motivation to do anything. I still find it hard to do chores and like you, cut down on my 'grooming' when depressed and am unlikely to meet others.
I say this, as I now do have hope where I didn't before. Even after a year of therapy treatment, I still have bad times, but know I can 'take it' much more now.
I am just hoping that you will soon get the proper treatment, and I know that recently you were doing oh so well, and much of this was to do with Jac's helping hand maybe? You have lacked so much love in your life and so I do understand what you need to pull you up again, even if I am not very good at understanding your anorexia.
You will obviously need specialist help to help with your eating, but I hope you can continue with using the phone more to your friends, as this is just as important as a coping mechanism.
Take Care, and I hope you have some sunshine tomorrow [8D]
Ray
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance, I hope you dance.
~Mark Sanders and Tia Sillers
Thank you Ray. It helps to know that others understand just how damaging isolation can be. It is currently holding me back a lot I think and making is so difficult to motivate myself to do anything. I often wonder what is the point? I am not able to see my life ever being any different to this and so question why I am still here. Why am I still struggling on? What prevents me from giving up completely?
After practically begging K to see me and allow me to spend some time with her, I also feel so ashamed of the way I am now that I don't want her to see me like this. When I meet her I would like it to be 'perfect' - only my idea of perfect doesn't match with anyone else's. Perfect to me would mean me getting back down to what I believe is the right weight for me. Right now I am too fat and therefore ashamed of the way I look.
My weight and eating habits are worsening my depression because I feel so worthless and despise myself so much, and I don't see any point in taking care of myself or even doing daily tasks like bathing or washing my hair. I don't get dressed and am now spending most of my time in bed.
I was relying in Jac heavily before her bereavement. Spending time with her and having responsibility for preparing food taken away from me also helped. Since being alone so much I have lost control and cannot see how to regain control again.
It does seem that we have faced similar challenges with life circumstances and the hopelessness that accompanies depression. I recognise I need the professional help from the clinic but I need it now. I don't know how much longer I can go on like this when I feel I am sinking further daily.
Whilst I am so grateful for the support I receive here and speaking to people on the phone does help, sometimes I am just so desperate for someone to actually be here in person. I don't remember the last time I met with someone socially.
Passing the hours by sleeping seems like my only option right now and I've spent the afternoon trying to find somewhere to by extra supplies of my sleeping pills that can deliver quickly.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
This isolation thing is a real problem - I recognize this in my mum too and I know I would be just the same.
Karen will you try and come in the chatroom on our oldtimers night next Fri. You don't have to talk at all if you don't want to - plenty don't but you will have company (I'll be there)!!!
Last summer in the school hols I used to go in practically every night and I really loved it - I had a good laugh and slept really well because ot it. The more I went in the more fun and relaxing it became, cos we all started to know each other.
I would also strongly urge you to get an msn address - this is a really good way to chat and lots of us on here would add you on. Trac and I became really good friends from this, just by chatting here and there and now Nic gets me pestering for advice about computer problems (thanks for that Nic by the way)!!!
We will still talk on the phone too but sometimes this is more convenient.
Piglet xxxxx
Hi Piglet
I'll try to get in the chat room on Friday. I used to spend every night in there but it got a bit much, particularly when there were arguments etc in there.
I have now set up MSN on my laptop. While I agree that it is a good way to get to know people, I also feel like it is going backwards to rely on this form of communication again.
Talking online can also be a bit 'unreal'. By that I mean it is still like being alone because although talking to someone, they are not really here. I guess what I mean is that it is real life talking and seeing people that I am missing out on. This is what is making me feel so isolated and like I am going mad with my own company.
But I'm my own worst enemy because I can't socialise with anyone I don't know because that would just add to the anxiety I am experiencing.
Don't know what I want or what would help really. The contact with K I long for is unrealistic and I'll never have that kind of relationship with her. She did remind me of our 'lunch date' when I am better but what if I don't ever get better? The chance of this lunch ever happening is like another of my fantasies in that it won't happen.
I know I did the right thing when I broke off contact with Dad, and Mum doesn't want to know me anyway, but I have also lost contact with the rest of my family as a result and so just feel so completely alone. Jac has done her best to help but now has her own family problems. Sometimes I feel like I am never going to see anyone ever again. It's like being in the twilight zone where everyone else has vanished and I will be alone forever. I could vanish from this world and it wouldn't make the slightest difference.
Just need someone to be with me, in person at times, to hold my hand and encourage and support me through the difficult days - which every day seems to be now.
Karen x
Yes - I really do see that hun.
But just for now lets try this way for a temporary thing.
We can speak both ways and although it's not ideal it is better than nothing.
Have pm'd you too.
Piglet xxx
"Supposing a tree fell down, Pooh, when we were underneath it?" said Piglet.
"Supposing it didn't," said Pooh after careful thought.
I have just cleared all food from the kitchen now and tipped bleach on it so I can't eat any of it - although the thought popped into my head that maybe I should eat the contaminated food as I deserve to punish myself :(. Edie is winning again.
Need to escape from here. I need to get out of my head. I'm now more sure than ever that I need to self-medicate tomorrow so that I'm out of it. I need to break this pattern and I'm too pathetic to do it alone.
I've just taken a load of laxatives too.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Hi Karen,
Sorry you're struggling again tonight, it does seem you've been alot more positive today though so well done for that.
Karen don't even think about eating the contaminated food please, that thought just really scares me, as does all the talk of extra pills. I know it's my health anxiety that makes this worry me, so don't feel bad for posting how you feel but I do care about you too and feel so helpless when you are like this and nothing we say seems to help at all.
Karen life is a precious gift and so is good health, it just really saddens me to see you sabotaging yourself so much, especially when you are such a kind caring good person (yes you are so don't argue). I know this is all down to your illness and not your fault. I guess I just wish I could help and I really don't know how to.
Edie doesn't have to win Karen, remember that. What does K say about how you are at the moment?
I guess all I can really say is that I am thinking of you and here's a big (((hug))).
take care,
Lisa x
Hi Lisa
Thanks for your reply. Don't worry about not knowing how to help. Having support does help. I also know that I am the only one who can get better but I don't know how to do it either.
I am not going to eat the contaminated food so please don't worry about that. It was one of those thoughts that pops up and I suddenly thought I could punish myself further by eating it. But the reason I poured bleach on it was so that I wouldn't retrieve it and eat it later. I'm so disgusting and revolting that I could be tempted to do that if I don't make the food inedible. How can anyone not think badly of me for that???
K wants me to contact my doctor again and tell her that my condition is worsening. I only saw my doctor on Friday though and I am still rather upset with her about the sleeping pill prescription.
I need some extra sleeping pills now because what she's given me won't last until my next appointment. The only way I can break this destructive cycle is by doping myself up and sleeping most of the day. That's what I intend to do tomorrow. I can't go on like this.
Karen x
Hi Karen,
No one thinks badly of you for anything you do, we just wish we could help in some way. You're not a bad person and your actions are part of an illness. I certainly don't think badly of you at all.
I think K's suggestion is good, I really think it would be good for your gp to help more and know the full story. I understand how you feel about her reducing your sleeping pill dose but you can still trust her, she would have reduced your dose because she cares. Doctors don't like people to be on sleeping pills regularly and she was probably hoping to help you reduce them. I think you need to be cautious about doping yourself up with too many pills, sleeping pills can be dangerous too. Maybe if you saw your gp again you could also ask her about the sleeping pills and tell her how much trouble you have sleeping still as well as telling her how hard you're finding things currently. Maybe she can even speed the funding issues up and/or get your blood tests done sooner. I know you have an appt for blood tests in two weeks but gp's can get earlier appts fitted in if they think it necessary. If you don't want to see her could you write and explain how bad things are?
I'm off to bed in a few minutes so will say night night,
Thinking of you. I hope you get some sleep tonight.
Lisa x
Thank you Lisa. No one could think worse of me than I think of myself. I'm so ashamed and disgusted with myself.
I only saw my doctor on Friday and nothing has changed significantly since then. She already agreed to email the PCT for an update and there's not much else she can do.
She was never keen on prescribing sleeping pills in the first place but I still think she could have warned me that she was reducing my dose. This way it is like she tried to sneak it past me without me noticing. It almost worked except I would be wondering why I was having such trouble sleeping again.
Anyway, I've ordered a supply online now as it's the only way to get hold of them. The last thing I need right now is to be unable to sleep at all when I am already struggling so much.
I'm so desperate to get away from here and from being alone that I wish the funding had come through for the clinic. I am at the point where I think I would even rather stay there for 24/7 treatment so that I can break this bingeing and laxative abuse cycle. If it were an option, and if I could be guaranteed contact with K still, I would go there tomorrow.
If something doesn't happen soon I think it might be too late. I keep resisting thoughts of suicide but I know I am damaging my health in other ways and the self abuse is getting worse. I can't change anything here on my own and the only way I can get through the days now is to dope myself up with sleeping pills. I just hope the ones I have ordered come through before I run out.
Karen x
Morning mate,
Are you feeling any better this morning and did you manage any sleep??
Piglet xx
Hi Karen,
Same question as Piglet from me too :)
I know you only saw your gp on Friday and nothing may have changed since then but she didn't get the full story then either did she. I agree with K that she needs to know exactly how bad things are for you. She may be able to help in some way and surely that is better than what you're feeling now. Even you can see this is getting worse with the self abuse and even you have recognised things are getting out of hand.
I don't want anything bad to happen to you, I like many others just want you to get some much needed help. Can you consider seeing her again, or even writing to her?
I hope you are feeling better today,
Take care,
Lisa x
Hi Piglet and Lisa
Thanks for your messages. I finally fell asleep around 7am I think but have been dozing on and off since then. I can't sleep again properly at the moment until the effects of last night's laxative abuse wear off.
I don't know about seeing my doctor. She got most of the story on Friday and I'm still reticent after the prescription issue.
Just need K and then it would be alright.
I need to wait for the effects of these laxatives to pass and then I'm going to take some more sleeping pills and try to go back to sleep.
Karen x
karen,
just to let you know i'm thinking of you and sending a big hug..
I had a dream last night that i came and picked you up and we walked along the beach at brighton!! how weird is that!!
we had a good time though!! (yes i am a bit dotty!)
big hugs and loads and loads of support coming your way!!
lisa
xxx
"do not fear to hope...Each time we smell the autumn's dying scent, we know that primrose time will come again"
Hi Lisa
Thank you for you support.
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">I had a dream last night that i came and picked you up and we walked along the beach at brighton!! how weird is that!!
<div align="right">Originally posted by LisaS - 23 January 2006 : 12:24:23</div id="right">
</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
Very weird![:P]
I was hoping to hear from K this morning but nothing yet. I need to take more sleeping pills to get back to sleep for the rest of the day.
Karen x
Still thinking about you mate :)
Piglet xx
"Supposing a tree fell down, Pooh, when we were underneath it?" said Piglet.
"Supposing it didn't," said Pooh after careful thought.
Thanks Piglet.
I am feeling increasingly distressed again this afternoon, which is also making me keep obsessively checking for K. I've just sent a rather desperate email to Jill too.
Think I'm going to take another sleeping pill and try to sleep for a few more hours. I don't know how else to get through the day.
I can't stop thinking that I need to punish myself more by taking more laxatives. I took half the packet last night but don't think I've been ill enough or have suffered enough as a result.
Karen x
Hi Karen,
Still thinking of you too. I hope you slept some more, but I don't like the thought of you taking too many sleeping pills. You don't need laxatives or to be punished but I know me saying that won't help or make any difference sadly.
Did Jill reply yet? Did you ask her for help in your email?
I hope you're feeling a bit better this evening.
Lisa x
I have added you to my msn and hope to talk to you on there too when you feel up to it.
Take care mate :)
Love Piglet xx
"Supposing a tree fell down, Pooh, when we were underneath it?" said Piglet.
"Supposing it didn't," said Pooh after careful thought.
Hi Lisa & Piglet
I had a couple of hours sleep but I only took one tablet. I'm still tired too and want to go to bed at a reasonable time tonight even if it means taking extra pills.
Sorry Lisa, I do still need the laxatives. I am so fat and need to get rid of the revolting food in me. I need more of them because the amount I took last night didn't make me ill enough.
I haven't heard from Jill but that's nothing unusual really. I did ask her for help. Think I keep asking people for help, particularly K. I am back to checking for her now I'm awake. Should be sleeping still.
Karen x
Hi Karen,
Instead of constantly going back to the computer and checking for K and worrying about the food in you leading to laxative abuse, have you considered an alternative way of expressing your feelings?
Why not write some words/prose/poetry about your feelings for K and about how you feel?
I tried to write about my feelings once and it really did help.
All it needs is a pen and paper.
Take Care,
Ray
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance, I hope you dance.
~Mark Sanders and Tia Sillers
Thank you for your post.
I've tried writing but I can't find the motivation to get started. And I don't find it helps really.
Just need K and I'm scared that the other forum is missing around again tonight.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Hi Karen,
Just saying I'm still thinking of you. Hope you're not feeling too bad.
Night night,
Lisa x
Hi Lisa
Thanks for your message.
Am having another bad day but all my days are bad. Just need to keep self-medicating so I can sleep most of the time.
Karen x
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Hi hun,
Hope you had a decent nights sleep.
Maybe catch you on MSN later.:D
Piglet xx
"Supposing a tree fell down, Pooh, when we were underneath it?" said Piglet.
"Supposing it didn't," said Pooh after careful thought.
existential crisis
24-01-06, 10:32
Karen,
I know I'm not a regular poster on this thread but I do have a look everyday to see how you are getting on. I just wanted to say that you really should try and go back to your doctor as it's obvious that there has been an escalation in your condition. Whenever I read your posts I am always struck by how intelligent and articulate you are and how well you are able to express your feelings and I think thats why I feel for you so much - I can see that you really do have the tools to beat this and its just a case of using them now. Obviously, its going to be difficult but I really believe that you can do it. I know that you are reticent about going back to see the GP but I really think it's now a case of having to - even if you don't want to. I know you dont feel like you can trust her because of the prescription hoo-hah but after reading your posts I can understand why the GP did what she did. Like what other people have said, she did it because she cares about your well-being and if she has the slightest inclination that you are using sleeping pills a little bit too regularly then of course she is going to cut the dosage. The consequences of taking too many doesnt even bear thinking about. I know my GP hardly ever prescribes them because of the mess some people get into with them. I know you just want to sleep all the time, that's totally understandable, but above all misusing sleeping pills is dangerous and that's why I've posted - like everyone on this post, I want you get better and I'm worried that you are playing a dangerous game when you are self-medicating with the sleepers. I really urge you to go back to the GP and try to understand that she did what she did for a reason - that being your own well-being. Sorry if this has been a bit rambly - I'm nowhere near as articulate as you. :) Clare. xxx
*I think, therefore I am.*
Hi Piglet
How are you today? I didn't get nearly enough sleep - 4 hours at the most so I am still very tired.
I'm supposed to be seeing Jill tomorrow and helping out in the office for the day, so I guess I should wash my hair really but I'm lacking motivation to do anything, even to get out of bed.
Am also panicking that I have to starve myself today and make sure I do not give in to food cravings. If I binge I'll take large amounts of laxatives and won't make it to Brighton tomorrow.
Karen x
Hi Clare
Thanks for your message and kind wishes.
I am currently too scared to go and see my doctor, and I don't think there is much else she can do at present. Everything hangs on hearing from the funding panel.
If I tell my doctor what has been happening for the past few days I am scared of being sent to hospital. K does want me to see my doctor but she mentioned sectioning again and I cannot and will not go there.
Until now I hadn't been using more sleeping pills than she prescribed and I just see sleeping as a way to get through these bad days I am experiencing at present. So I still do not understand why my doctor cut my prescription without talking to me or warning me first.
Your post made perfect sense. Thank you.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Hi Karen,
I was just reading and checking how you were today.
I think going to see Jill tomorrow and helping out in the office is great, it will be good for you to get out of the house and have something to do. Will you get to talk to Jill while you are there?
I also agree with K and Clare that you really should tell your gp the truth about how bad things are, even write to her if you are scared to go.
It may be she can chase the funding up, you'd be amazed at what doctors can do when necessary. Even getting the blood tests done sooner may explain the cravings and get them treated if necessary. It doesn't mean that you will be sectioned if you see her. I know you trust K and she wants you to do this, can you not even do it for her?
Like Clare I agree that the self medicating is dangerous, overdosing on laxatives, diet pills and sleeping pills is a very dangerous combination.
Your gp would have cut your dose for you own good so there is no reason not to trust her.
You probably don't like me saying all this but we all say these things because we care and hate to see you (a lovely person) doing yourself so much harm.
Bye for now, thinking of you,
Lisa x
Hi Lisa
Thanks for your message but I am afraid that things continue to get worse.
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">I think going to see Jill tomorrow and helping out in the office is great, it will be good for you to get out of the house and have something to do. Will you get to talk to Jill while you are there?</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
I've just received an email from Jill telling me not to go tomorrow. She said she is concerned about me driving there but I am fine and have managed to get there and back at times when I've been completely starving myself and was much worse than I am now.
Just feel like I might as well give up really. Going there tomorrow to be with people I feel comfortable with was giving me something to keep going for - a chance to break my complete isolation and escape these torturous thoughts for a while. I was due to have a session with Mark.
Now I feel I am stuck in this hellish life and there is no chance of any respite, not even one day. I don't care about the health consequences of taking all of these pills. In fact I might as well take the sleeping pills because I can't face more days like this.
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">I know you trust K and she wants you to do this, can you not even do it for her?</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
I do trust K, however she has no say over what my doctor says or does and I have lost all faith in the system. I give up.
Sorry, I know you care, as do others here. My life is a mess because I have made it this way and now I need to punish myself. I don't even want a life anymore.
Karen x
Karen hun I really think you need to see Dr Plumpton again - you need a plan of action.
Years ago when I first started having panic attacks and the world seemed to collapse around me I had to have some help. We can't keep getting tossed about in the sea without having some hope of a lifeboat coming.
Your doctor sounds very supportive - you do need however to be more open with her.
Make today's goal to wash your hair (even if you don't want to) - feeling clean and cared for is very much something we can do for ourselves that doesn't ever make us feel worse:)
Please accept some medical help now by telling the doctor how it really is, not the watered down version[Yes!].
Sending you the biggest hugs ever and I am here if you want to talk on the phone.
Piglet xx
existential crisis
24-01-06, 12:55
Karen,
You trust K - then please take her advice. I know you are frightened of going into hospital but if thats what is what is suggested by the GP then that is because it's the best plan of action. Don't be frightened of K mentioning being sectioned - there is a slim chance of that happening at the moment. Everytime you take the laxatives, every time you self-medicate with sleepers, every time you deny yourself VITAL nutrition you become closer to being hospitalised. That's the irony, isnt it?! I'm totally agreeing with EVERYTHING that Piglet said too - doing the whole hygiene thing can seem like an insurmountable task but afterwards you do feel slightly better and you can then give yourself a big pat on the back for managing something that you found difficult. And yes, you need to tell the WHOLE truth about how bad this is getting now and as I said if in-patient treatment is suggested, then thats because the health professionals believe you will benefit from it. It might be frightening - but any sort of change is when you have been a certain way for a certain amount of time. I think you DO want a life, Karen - you just want one free of Edie and you are making steps towards that life. You're doing better than you realise. Clare. xxx
*I think, therefore I am.*
Hi Karen,
I have to agree with Piglet and Clare too, some very good advice from them both.
I think it's got to the point where you really need some help, none of us can help you in the way you need even though we all want to, we can only support you and that's not enough, we are not anorexia experts. You need professional support from trained eating disorder experts.
I do understand you being scared to admit everything to the doctor but it really could help. I think you have to realise that you can either sit there and get worse and more miserable every day or you can go and get some help. Surely getting help won't be any worse than the hell you are going through every day? The self help you were doing was working really well a while back but if you can't manage that now then please try and see your doctor before things get even more serious.
You once said that if things got too bad that K would intervene and contact your gp, I really hope she does if things go on as they have been for much longer.
I know that you do realise you need help and I really do understand how scary it must be, but making that first step could be the first step to health, happiness and a better life. Please give it some thought Karen, we all only say these things because we care and want to see you get better. I know you'd be saying the same if it was one of us in your position.
I understand you being upset about Jill asking you not to go tomorrow, I know getting out would have helped. I'm sure she just said it out of concern, a weak starved person on sleeping pills is maybe not the safest on the roads, and imagine how she would feel if something happened to you on your journey, she would feel very responsible then.
I know you feel you can drive, and you probably can, but you can understand her concern. Maybe you could email her back and discuss another time you may be able to go when you are feeling stronger, tell her how much it helps you to get out.
Take care, still thinking of you.
Lisa x
Thank you for the messages.
Piglet: Thanks but I've just been sleeping again. Getting up and doing those things might help but I am passed the point of caring about things like that. Depression has really taken hold now and I just cannot see the point of doing anything.
Clare: I appreciate your concerns but I am not going to hospital and I don't even need to be in hospital. I am not starved. Hospital is the last place I need to be.
Lisa:
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">I think it's got to the point where you really need some help, none of us can help you in the way you need even though we all want to, we can only support you and that's not enough, we are not anorexia experts. You need professional support from trained eating disorder experts.</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
Yes I do need some professional help and that's why I am waiting to go for treatment at the clinic. I cannot do anything about the fact that it is in the hands of the funding committee.
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">Surely getting help won't be any worse than the hell you are going through every day?</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
It depends what kind of help. Going to hospital or being forced to go is not help and will make me worse. I am not going there no matter what anyone says.
K might contact my doctor but I hope she doesn't.
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">a weak starved person on sleeping pills is maybe not the safest on the roads</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
I am not weak or starved though. I have been eating and have the opposite problem of eating too much. If I could make it to see Jill at the times when I was starving myself then I know I could make it now. I am not weak. I am not in danger from low weight because I've gained so much.
I appreciate all your support and I am sorry for being so negative but it's the way I feel. I don't know what's going to happen but one thing I am sure about is that I won't go to hospital.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Hi Karen,
How are you feeling this evening?
I do know that you're waiting for funds for the clinic, I was just hoping if you saw your gp that she could get this moving a bit quicker, you'd be surprised what they can influence when necessary.
I completely understand why you don't want to go into hospital, I think Clare and I were just saying that if that was necessary it could help you get better and maybe it wouldn't be worse than what you feel now as it would help you get better. I think we all know the clinic is the best thing for you but we are all just concerned that you're getting worse. Anyway I don't want to nag, I have said how I feel and many of us have advised you to see your gp, even K, but it's up to you really. We are all just trying to help.
I know you are eating and that is great, but in some ways you are starved as you get rid of everything you eat with laxatives, this not only stops some of the nutrients being absorbed but it depletes you of essential body salts. I don't know if you are in danger due to low weight or not but the danger currently is all the pills and laxatives you're having. I really wish you would at least stop those.
Anyway I'll leave it there as I don't want to annoy you. I just wish I coud find something to say that helps you. I am still here to support you and thinking of you.
Lisa x
Hi Lisa
Thank you. I am sorry if I sounded annoyed in my last post. I am not annoyed with anyone, I just panic and get very distressed when hospital is mentioned. One of my biggest fears is still the thought of being locked away in a psychiatric unit, which is why the only treatment option I will consider is that of the clinic.
I don't know what to do about my doctor. She already said she would contact the PCT when I saw her on Friday and I am just concerned that if I say too much then she might start to think my situation is too dangerous to wait for funding approval.
The suggestion about hospital I know were intended to help and I appreciate that it is because you all care about me, but however bad things are right now, they would be ten times worse if I was forced to go to hospital.
I think some of what I eat is absorbed otherwise the weight would be coming off again. Right now I am stuck because I am alternating between bingeing and restricting. I realise laxatives are harmful but until I can get my eating back under control I can't stop using them. I suppose the blood tests will show whether I am actually doing myself any damage. I'm not using laxatives at the levels that most anorexics abuse them though, so I doubt it is doing me any harm.
I am definitely not in danger due to low weight. I am way above the danger zone for BMI now.
Sorry again and I also apologise to Piglet and Clare if my reply appeared ungrateful or if I seemed annoyed. I am just struggling so much right now that it is difficult to do anything but I am also very scared about being forced into hospital.
Karen x
No you didn't seem annoyed mate but I would rather risk annoying you anyway, than lose you altogether.
The tablets - well at least the amount you are taking does sound scary to me and I would be very anxious incase I was doing damage.
It is very hard for us to watch you sink so low when we all know that you need help with this one - the hardest part is accepting the help that we need and unfortunately we can't always have it exactly as we would like it.
The answer to not being hospitilised is to at least maintain your weight - if you carry on as you are what do you honestly think the outcome will be???????
Please forgive my honesty it's only because I care.
Love Piglet xx
Hi Karen,
It's ok I didn't think you sounded annoyed.
If your gp did decide your situation was too dangerous to wait for the clinic surely it's better to be treated than keep deteriorating and getting iller? I understand how you feel though but as Piglet says we can't always have it as we want it and surely getting well is the main objective here.
I do think the laxatives are harming you, maybe you are not having as many as other anorexics, but you're still abusing them and anything over the recommended dose regularly is not good. I know it sounds harsh but all this laxative abuse is just making you closer to the thing you fear most, hospital.
Forgive my honesty too but as Piglet said it is only because we care honestly.
Lisa x
Hi Piglet
You haven't annoyed me and I know what you say comes because you care. I am sorry that I am causing so much concern.
Believe me, low weight is not a problem any longer. I am well over the weight and BMI at which there is the need for hospitalisation. What is concerning K now is my use of laxatives and other medications. However, from what I have read about things like laxative abuse what I am doing is a drop in the ocean. I am not even sure it warrants concern at all.
I'm not losing weight either although this isn't through want of trying.
I know I am being awkward and I'm my own worst enemy but after waiting so long for treatment, I do want the RIGHT treatment - which is at the clinic. I don't want to be carted off to some general psychiatric ward and treated in the way I've read about. I'm sorry but that's the way I feel.
I am being totally honest too and I admit that I would rather take my chances with this illness and the results of actions than go into hospital.
I'm already feeling very worried tonight as I've not heard from K and don't know if she has taken action because I haven't.
Karen x
Hi Lisa
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">If your gp did decide your situation was too dangerous to wait for the clinic surely it's better to be treated than keep deteriorating and getting iller?
<div align="right">Originally posted by LJ - 24 January 2006 : 18:50:04</div id="right">
</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
Not to me, no. Treatment at any cost does not appeal to me and I'd rather take my chances on my own.
I do realise that this must be difficult for you and everyone else to understand, particularly with your health anxiety. Ill health and death are not things I worry about. The prospect of being admitted to a psychiatric hospital is as terrifying for me as fear of a serious illness is for you. I hope you can at least see my point of view even if you do not agree with me.
I know you care and I appreciate your support.
Karen x
Hi Karen,
It's not your BMI that is concerning anyone right now, it's the diet and sleeping pills but most importantly the laxatives. Just because some people take more than you doesn't make it ok. I don't even say this because of my own health anxiety, I say it because I see you as a friend and I don't want you to get really sick or die, that's very blunt but true. I have worked in medical research in the pharmaeceutical industry and know laxatives are harmful anything above the regular dose, especially if done at that level regularly.
I can see your point of view regarding being scared of psychiatric units, that's prefectly understandable, although these days they are not how you have read about, but even so it's a natural fear. You liken it to me getting a serious illness, yes that terrifies me and going into hospital terrifies me but if I had an ilness I would want it treated even if it was scary as I don't want to die. Life is a precious gift and I still believe you could have a much better life if you could get well again. You are such a lovely person and could achieve so much.
I know you want help and treatment but we all worry that waiting for treatment on your terms may be too late.
Karen I'm glad we can be so honest with each other without offending each other, honesty is always the best policy I believe.
Big hug mate,
Lisa x
Hi Lisa
While I appreciate that using laxatives might be damaging my health I am still unable to stop. The sleeping pills I've ordered are an attempt to avoid using so many laxatives in a way - if I am asleep I can't eat and if I don't eat I won't need to take laxatives. I expect it is twisted logic as usual from me but it's the best I can do until I get some professional help.
I can't stop thinking that if only I hadn't started eating in the first place. I was fine for most of last year. All the time I was restricting and keeping my weight down I felt in control. It is the bingeing that has caused me to start becoming dependent on laxatives. I used them occasionally before but not in these quantities and not this regularly either.
I still think there are a lot of psychiatric units that are the way I have read. Some of the accounts from patients with eating disorders are recent. As we are being so frank about my situation I admit that I would rather struggle on with this illness on my own, even if it ends up killing me than go to a psychiatric unit.
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">You liken it to me getting a serious illness, yes that terrifies me and going into hospital terrifies me but if I had an ilness I would want it treated even if it was scary as I don't want to die.</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
I was comparing the fear as being similar even if about difference scenarios. However, the difference is that I would rather die than step foot in one of those places. I'm sorry but it is the way I feel. I would rather take my chances with the anorexia and I think I should have the right to choose to do this rather than being forced to have treatment I don't want.
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">I'm glad we can be so honest with each other without offending each other, honesty is always the best policy I believe.</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
Yes, I agree.
Karen x
Karen,
You were not taking these actions with these pills a while ago, soon after you moved house and met up with Jac. You were doing so well then.
And now, you still have the prospect of proper treatment at that clinic, just as you did back in early December.
You are risking yourself for the sake of a short time when real help will be at hand. I really hope that you will survive this and realise that despite the intense emotional pain that it was worth it.
I just wish you had someone there at home to literally "be there for you" as I think that would lift you so much. You need real affection to get you out of this hole, and I feel there are people who can give that to you, but they just can't physically reach you.
And despite what else you may think, you can still get out of this.
If it meant giving you a ladder, I'd gladly get one to you....
Be Strong .....you can do it.
Ray
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance, I hope you dance.
~Mark Sanders and Tia Sillers
I am just going off now to go on msn and hopefully may catch you there.
Love Piglet xx
Hi Ray
The situation has gone slowly downhill since I moved here. I know I did start off quite well and eating sensibly when I was seeing Jac and having a meal with her and Millie. I just about kept going on my own until Christmas but it's been downhill since then.
I still felt reasonably in control until then but now I feel out of control with eating and therefore see food as the enemy, to be fought against and resisted at all costs. My actions with the pills and laxatives are a response to this loss of control and my desperation to lose the weight I've gained.
Don't know any more whether these sugar cravings and thirst are related, or whether it is medical. I think part of it is seeking comfort but then I don't ever let myself feel comforted no matter what I do. I am always beating myself up and believe I deserve to be punished.
I have taken less diet pills today but think I am hooked on the laxatives. I can't just suddenly stop.
For some reason I am really feeling my isolation now whereas at one time I felt ok at being alone. This is the life I've made for myself after all. But now I just feel incredibly alone, maybe more so since I have lost all contact with my family completely and since Jac has had her own worries to deal with.
I don't regret my decision to break contact with Dad because I think it was the right move for me long term but now sometimes I feel like I am completely alone in the world.
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">If it meant giving you a ladder, I'd gladly get one to you....</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
Aww thanks Ray. I really appreciate the sentiment.
One piece of good news is that I have negotiated with Jill and am now going to Brighton tomorrow, but maybe not all day as was originally planned and I will have to see Mark rather than Jill. At least I will get away from here for a while. I am sick of seeing these four walls.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
I really do think you probably did the right thing in breaking off ties with your Dad in this particular instance. I never doubted that, although I would seldom recommend it as a general rule.
Its one less hassle, even though its one less person in your life.
That's great news that you are getting out of the house tomorrow, even though it's with Mark and not Jill. What exactly will you be doing - helping out in the office?
Wrap up warm with plenty of layers as its going to be a cold one again.
Take care,
Ray
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance, I hope you dance.
~Mark Sanders and Tia Sillers
Hi Ray
I agree about Dad although I suspect he is still behind the frequent anonymous calls I am getting to my mobile. It seems though that the rest of my family have decided to take sides rather than remaining neutral but I guess I'll just have to come to terms with this.
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">That's great news that you are getting out of the house tomorrow, even though it's with Mark and not Jill. What exactly will you be doing - helping out in the office?</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
Yes, helping in the office and then I'll have a hypnotherapy session before I come home.
I don't think Jill is particularly happy about me going but we reached a compromise. I just need to away from here for a while I think.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Hi Karen,
I'm glad you're going to help out Jill tomorrow, the change of scene will do you good and get you out.
I was thinking about your family, was it a brother/brothers that you have? I don't know how well you used to get on with them but could you contact them at all? Just a thought anyway.
I know Jac is busy and helping her Mum etc but maybe she would like to see you too, I'm sure your friendship means alot to her, even if you only saw her for an hour per week or fortnight or something. Again just a thought.
Anyway I hope you get some sleep tonight and have a good day tomorrow.
Lisa x
Have a lovely day tomorrow mate - look forward to hearing all about it on your return :D
Night night.
Piglet xxxxx
Thanks Lisa and Piglet.
Lisa - I have two brothers and I did try to make contact a few weeks ago but neither of them replied. I guess I just have to come to terms with the fact that they are not interested.
Jac is too busy and whenever I suggest anything she says she doesn't have time. We're in touch by text but that's it really at the moment and I don't want to put any added pressure on her when she has enough to deal with already.
I am not feeling that brilliant this morning. I didn't sleep without the sleeping pills and I am feeling so bloated and fat because I didn't take any laxatives last night. These were part of the conditions to enable me to go today but I feel dreadful. I don't know how I am supposed to eat today, which is something else I had to agree to, when my tummy hurts and feels so bloated anyway.
I cannot stand being this fat. One of the reasons I have not been looking after myself with regard to washing etc is that I just don't think I am worth it. I feel so bad about myself. I get so distressed when I have to look at myself and see the huge rolls of fat that I tend to live in one pair of pyjamas. I have no clothes to wear anymore either and am getting upset again now because I can't find anything to wear today. Everything I put on just reveals how fat I am.
I thought I wanted to go today but now I think I'd rather just be in bed asleep.
Karen x
Karen,
Just saying hi and good luck for today. I will reply in full later as I'm going to be late for work otherwise.
Thinking of you,
Lisa x
Hi Karen,
Sorry you're still not feeling so good.
I hope you made it to Jills and got on ok today. I hope being out of the house helped you too.
Sorry about your brothers, would it be worth trying once more or writing to them?
Anyway thinking of you today and look forward to hearing how you got on.
Lisa x
Will check in again later to see how your day went.
Piglet xxxxxx
bluesparkle
25-01-06, 12:46
hi karen...
just wanted to say thinking of you today...
i hope being away and getting out will of helped a little... and i hope you have had a good day...
take care
rach
Hi Lisa and Piglet
Thanks for your messages. I'm doing ok today thanks, apart from feeling tired and having a migraine.
It does help a bit being out of the house and having some company for a while, although I am still feeling very low and feel like I need to hide away.
Lisa - I don't think it is worth trying to contact my brothers again. They have made their position quite clear.
Karen x
Hi Karen,
I'm glad being out of the house helped you today. Did you get to speak to Jill at all?
Sorry you have a migraine, I hope you can get some rest this afternoon.
Thinking of you.
Lisa x
Hi Lisa
I'm still here but am having a break as it's lunch time. There is more to do this afternoon so won't get a break until my hypnosis session.
Jill is busy with clients so I don't think I will get to talk to her.
Am struggling to eat lunch at the moment because I'm not on my own and I am so fat that I don't think I should be eating at all.
Karen x
Hi Karen,
I didn't realise you were still there, I though you were only going for the morning in the end.
Well done for trying to eat, I know it must be hard but it's great you are trying to eat in a situation you feel uncomfortable in. Karen you're not fat and everyone needs to eat and get those vital nutritients.
Good luck this afternoon and I hope you enjoy the hypnotherapy session.
Lisa x
Well done for trying to eat and I hope you enjoy your hypno session:D
Piglet xxx
"Supposing a tree fell down, Pooh, when we were underneath it?" said Piglet.
"Supposing it didn't," said Pooh after careful thought.
Thank you Lisa & Piglet.
I only managed one rice cake and even then I felt really self-conscious and bad for eating. I think I should starve myself and it is wrong to eat.
I do believe I am fat and I can't stop thinking that it is true.
They were testing out a new camera in the office and I felt so embarrassed when Mark pointed it at me. I turned away to hide. I don't want to see evidence of how big I am.
Karen
Do you feel a bit better for gettin out and about and did you enjoy the hypno bit???
Piglet xx
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">I do believe I am fat and I can't stop thinking that it is true.
<div align="right">Originally posted by Karen - 25 January 2006 : 15:34:25</div id="right">
</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
Hi Karen,
Remember just because you believe or think it's true doesn't make it true.
Well done for eating a rice cake with people about, that's a great achievement.
I hope being out and having the hypnotherapy helped you.
Lisa x
Things didn't go too well this afternoon. Being out and with people I know did help a bit but I have still been feeling very low. I can't escape from the hopelessness of my situation.
I had my session with Mark but found it difficult to talk, not really due to feeling uncomfortable with him because I feel surprisingly at ease with him now. It is more because I feel so ashamed of my bingeing behaviour that I can't even bear to think about it, let alone talk about it. In the end he said to me that he could see I am not at all comfortable talking about food or eating at all and so he went straight on to the hypnosis.
Usually I do feel much better after hypnosis but today I could not relax and all that kept going through my head were thoughts about being fat, repulsive and my shameful, disgusting behaviour.
Jill had sort of said goodbye before I went in with Mark as she had a client but when I finished with Mark he said I could hang around and wait for Jill to finish if I wanted. I said I didn't think she wanted me to wait for her but he said she wouldn't mind.
I decided to wait for her and he headed off leaving me in the office to wait for her. When she finished with her client she said she couldn't stay to talk to me tonight. The despair finally got to me and I almost broke down in front of her. I was struggling to hold myself together but Jill noticed.
She was really kind and stayed on to talk to me, the upshot of which is that she said I can go along tomorrow even if it is just to sit in the office so that I can be with someone rather than being at home on my own.
I don't usually show emotion like that in front of people but I really feel at the end of my tether and couldn't cope any longer. The thought of coping here on my own is just too much so I'm going to spend a few hours there tomorrow. The drive and being out all day has worn me out but anything is better than staying here by myself. I feel like I am slowly going out of my mind with the anorexic delusions.
Karen
Now I am feeling worse because I have noticed that K has posted on the forum but I've not heard from her today. I am also beating myself up for feeling upset about this.
I'm trying to force myself to have something to eat because I promised Jill I would try but I am struggling.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Do try mate.
That's lovely that you can go again tomorrow too:D
I am off up to the wooden hill to Bedfordshire now, so I will chat to you tomorrow.
Night night.
Piglet xx
"Supposing a tree fell down, Pooh, when we were underneath it?" said Piglet.
"Supposing it didn't," said Pooh after careful thought.
Hi Karen,
That was lovely of Jill to suggest you could go along tomorrow, that's a good idea and will get you out of the house and give you some company.
I hope you managed to eat something in the end, you're doing well today.
You can't help how you feel about K and she will be in touch soon I'm sure.
Thinking of you.
Lisa x
Night Piglet and thank you for your support and encouragement.
Thank you too Lisa.
It is very kind of Jill. I think she realised how bad I feeling at the moment because I don't show my emotions like that. I have this need to remain in control and to avoid revealing my vulnerability like that.
I have managed to eat something because I promised Jill that I would (or at least that I would try). And even though I badly feel I need to, I can't take any laxatives tonight or I won't make it to Brighton tomorrow so I suppose that is another positive.
She did say I need to eat some protein so it is a challenge to know how to include this in my lunch tomorrow, as I struggled with one rice cake today. I know I need protein but I have my usual block to finding a source of this that I can eat again. I have been sticking with rice cakes and fruit for the past few days.
Karen x
Morning Karen,
How are you today? I hope you got some sleep and made it to Brighton.
Well done for managing to eat yeatserday and avoid the laxatives, I know that would have been so hard but it's going to help your body so much. I'm hoping that you can break the cycle that you have been in by getting out to Jill's. Many people don't like showing they are vulnerable but we all need some extra help now and then and showing Jill you need help is a positive step.
What sort of protein do you think you could eat? Could you eat tinned fish, low fat cheese or egg maybe? I often like spreading houmous onto rice cakes and this is a source of protein too.
I hope you have a good day,
Lisa x
Hi Lisa
Thanks for your message. Being able to find ways of having protein has been a problem for me since this illness started. I don't like tinned fish and cheese has too many calories. I have been able to eat egg in the past and also turkey.
It has been a very emotional morning for me. I didn't sleep at all last night and although relieved to be getting out of the house again and not being on my own, I was feeling so low and hopeless about my situation.
This isn't helped by the fact that I am so disgusted by my body and every time I can't avoid seeing myself I just see fat everywhere and think I have ruined everything by gaining weight.
Then there are all these other thoughts going round in my head constantly and I am completely worn down by it all and feel so totally overwhelmed.
I arrived at the office and Jill said I could come on the internet and do whatever I want while they get on with work. Then she asked me to arrange these flowers in three vases. I don't know what happened really except that I am no good at that kind of thing and thought I would do it wrong and be told off for it - which I know now I have calmed down is complete rubbish.
But this was the last straw and I broke down and was crying in the kitchen for about 10 minutes, trying not to let anyone hear that I was crying. Jill came in though and found me. She has been so kind and talked to me until I calmed down. She realised just how dreadful I have been feeling as she said to me that I don't cry, which is true.
I told her how I've been feeling and also that I feel so bad about myself because I've gained weight and believe I am so fat. She said I need to trust and believe her and K when they tell me that I'm not and that I'm still very thin.
We had a long chat and then she made me some scrambled egg which I had with a rice cake, well I managed to eat the egg but not the whole rice cake. Then I went out with Jill for a bit while she got a few bits of shopping.
This despair has been building for so long and I don't really believe I broke down this badly today. I was crying for at least half an hour and couldn't stop once I started. It is such a relief to finally be able to talk to someone and not to be stuck in the flat on my own. Both Jill and Karen (who runs the office) have been so kind to me.
Karen x
Hi Karen,
I'm sorry you were feeling so low today but it sounds like alot of good has come from it in some ways.
Well done for recognising you wouldn't be told off if you did the flowers wrong - only professional florists get them truly perfect anyway Lol.
I'm glad you were able to have a good cry, I don't mean that it a bad way, I mean it's really good for us to release all that pent up emotion. I'm so so happy that you were finally able to talk to someone about how you feel. I hope you feel better for doing this. Please try and believe Jill when she says you are still looking so thin, she is telling the truth, it's your dysmorphia telling you otherwise.
Jill sounds so lovely, how nice of her to take you to the shops and make you some lunch - well done for eating it too.
Are you planning to go back there again anytime soon?
Maybe you can try and keep eating small amounts of protein again now? Egg and turkey are good choices.
Thinking of you, big hug for today,
Lisa x
I think a damn good cry really clears the tubes and gets all that inner stress/confusion/emotion whatever you want to call it out.
You did very well with the scambled egg:D:D:D:D
Big hug for today.
Piglet xxxxx
Thanks Lisa and Piglet.
Don't know what's wrong with me today. I feel like I am having some kind of breakdown or something.
I have been fine for most of the day after crying this morning and then being able to talk to Jill and stay here. But now I am despairing again and feel I am about to burst into tears at any minute. I just don't want to go home and be on my own and I don't even know what is wrong or why I feel so distressed.
A short while ago I went out to run a couple of errands and had an anxiety attack in one of the shops. I just don't want to go home.
I feel like I am having a breakdown or something. I can't do this anymore.
Karen x
Now I am crying again. I don't know what's wrong with me today.
Jill said goodbye to me before she took her client in and Karen has now gone home so really I shoud've left but I'm in no fit state to drive home right now.
Also I thought I was going to be able to come here more regularly but Karen has just made arrangements for me to come next in 4 weeks before the next diploma weekend.
Just don't know what's wrong with me today.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Hannahlou84
26-01-06, 18:23
It's good that you have been able to let some emotion out even if you don't feel better for it right now. You probably feel so bad because you have kept it all bottled up for so long, it is probably about time it all got let out, and you couldn't have chosen a better person or place, really, so don't beat yourself up about it.
Hopefully you will be involved with the clinic before then anyway? And this is why no other arrangements have been made, perhaps if things are still up in the air next week you can offer to help out again?
Did you get to talk to Jill again? Hope you are home nice and safe.
Han x
Where are you now hun - still at the clinic???
If you are and you feel funny keep stopping for a bit and text me and then we could text you back to home!!!!
Piglet xx
"Supposing a tree fell down, Pooh, when we were underneath it?" said Piglet.
"Supposing it didn't," said Pooh after careful thought.
Thank you Piglet and Hannah.
I have only just got home and am not feeling to good. I feel like everything is hopeless and am still tearful and have been on and off all the way home.
Feeling very upset now that I haven't heard from K, although I admit to adding to my message to her several times today because I've been so distraught.
It also doesn't look like I will be going to help out at Jill's office on a regular basis now. She has completely changed what she originally said and I don't know what to believe.
I did talk to her when she finished with her client because I was still crying when she came into the office. She asked how I was and initially seemed annoyed, saying that she couldn't stay and didn't have time. That made me worse because I thought I should've just come home even though I was so upset and having a panic attack by then. I said I'd be ok and went to get my coat to leave.
At that point she told me I wasn't ok and she couldn't let me go home in that state and went into one of the other rooms to make a phone call. I feel bad that I have messed up her plans for the second night running.
Then it got worse because she started talking about ringing the hospital and said I'd have to go in. I said no and became more hysterical. She kept insisting that she couldn't let me come home in such a distressed state and said she couldn't bring me home or leave me on my own.
She said she couldn't leave me alone for the next few days while I am like this even though I told her I will be ok. Eventually we agreed that she could ring my doctor to get me an emergency appointment for tomorrow but when she tried to ring the surgery was closed.
I only started to panic when I thought of coming home but that's because I don't know when I will be able to go back there or when I will see anyone again. But she said I need intensive daily help and that she can see that I'm completely worn out from trying to fight the anorexia alone. I think her annoyance is directed against the funding panel now and she just kept saying it is ridiculous that is taking so long to get me help when I'm in dire need of the help now. She also said I am fading in front of their eyes (emotionally not physically).
All I kept thinking was how I shouldn't be so upset or in such a state and that I was messing up her evening. I kept saying I was sorry and that I never usually cry and she said she knows I don't.
I had calmed down by the time I left but it is still all up in the air and I don't think I will be going back for another 4 weeks. I don't even want to think about tomorrow, let alone 4 weeks time.
Then I had the nightmare of all journeys home because the road was closed due to an accident I think and I had to double back and come home the long way. A drive that should only take about an hour and a quarter took over 2 hours.
Now I am tearful again, experiencing a lot of anxiety and feel hopeless. I just want to go to sleep and not wake up.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
oh Karen,
what a stressful day you've had.. soo much emotion.. its only normal you will be feeling incredibly anxious and probably emotionally exhausted.. (maybe you will actually sleep tonight!?)
I think the tears have probably done you the world of good although it doesnt' feel like it now, the emotional release will benefit you when you wake tomorrow and i'm sure it will be a calmer day..
i can imagine jill must be incredibly angry over the delay in the funding as now she can see that you really do need the help NOW and she is probably very frustrated with them. I'm sure she wouldn't be upset you'd disrupted her evening as she obviously cares about you. And i'm sure if you were in her position you would have done the same thing.
I hope you can settle a bit now you're back safe at home.. dont worry about tomorrow yet, just concentrate on relaxing and calming down..
well done for getting through such a long day..
lisa
xxx
"do not fear to hope...Each time we smell the autumn's dying scent, we know that primrose time will come again"
Aww Karen, big (((((hug))))) mate. You did so well to get through today.
I think you're feeling emotional as you have finally opened up and started to let it all out and obviously that is not a feeling you are used to, so I expect it does feel a bit odd.
Don't worry about spoiling Jill's evening, I'm sure she would rather you were ok and she won't have minded.
Is she phoning your doctor tomorrow instead? or are you going to, how did you leave things?
I think she's right, you do need some help and now, she has every right to be annoyed at the funding panel.
Did you ask if you could go and spend time at the office again? Maybe even once a week, at least that would give you something to aim for.
Still thinking of you, I hope you sleep tonight.
Lisa x
Hiya Karen,
Sorry to hear you have had such a traumatic day.
When I read your earlier post, I noted some positivity in that you cried so much and let go of a lot of pent up emotion. I know you have always had difficulty in letting this go, but there is so much to come out, its actually done you a lot of good. Seeing Jill was certainly a trigger for this.
I know Jill has your best interests at heart, and so perhaps now you can arrange that appointment with the doctor when they open in the morning. Or did Jill say she was going to do that tomorrow??
We all know that an early decision by the PCT would be so beneficial for you, and so your GP must stress the importance and urgency of your need.
If you dont remind her, nothing will be done and your case will not be given the priority it deserves.
How are you feeling now? See if you can let a bit more emotion out. It might even help if you give Jill a ring in the morning just to say Thank You etc., - a reason to make contact with another voice.
Take Care,
Ray
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance, I hope you dance.
~Mark Sanders and Tia Sillers
Thank you all for your replies. I have to say I don't feel any better for letting out this emotion. I just think I was crying over nothing, particularly over the stupid flower arranging this morning. I never did tell Jill that this was the catalyst for me breaking down this morning, although I know it wasn't about the flowers anyway really.
LisaS - I hope I do sleep tonight. I am worn out emotionally and physically but can't switch off either. I also keep checking just in case K might have replied to my message but she hasn't.
I did think Jill was annoyed with me at first because I'd made her late for a prior arrangement last night too, although I had held myself together then. Today it all just flooded out and once I started I couldn't stop.
The panic built from nothing too. I was in M & S getting flowers Jill had asked me to pick up for her and looking for dried peas to use as part of a hypnosis demonstration involving balloons - don't ask [:O]
I think it was the combination of the time getting nearer for me to come home and having to look around all the food isles that led to the panic. I don't usually panic in shops.
Lisa - Jill can't ring the doctor for me tomorrow and wants me to call first thing, but all I want to do is sleep. I don't want to wake up so early or make the phone call. Just want to spend the day in bed.
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">Did you ask if you could go and spend time at the office again? Maybe even once a week, at least that would give you something to aim for.</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
That's what I hoped for and what she originally said but then seemed to change her mind and hasn't mentioned it. I would like to go at least once a week and help out on a voluntary basis. It would give some focus to my week and prevent me being so completely isolated too.
Ray - Thanks. I do have trouble showing my emotions, a lot of which stems from previous traumatic experiences. It is just like thinking I'd be told off for not being able to arrange the flowers perfectly. No one expected anything from me apart from me.
I doubt my doctor will have forgotten she was going to contact the PCT as she is very good at doing things she says she'll do.
I'd like to ring Jill tomorrow but she's already said she's busy and doesn't have her mobile at present.
I'm still unable to relax now and am getting cramps now because I am so tense.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Hi Karen,
You weren't crying over nothing, it's pent up emotions about many things I expect. I have often cried and not really known exactly why. Sometimes it doesn't take much to trigger it, other times it builds and builds and something is the last straw like the flowers. Obviously it wasn't about the flowers but that was the final straw for you.
I often find a good cry helps me sleep really well, I hope you sleep tonight, you must be exhausted.
Well done for going to the shops and having to be around food isles, that was a great achievement.
If Jill just didn't mention you going to her office weekly, it doesn't necessarily mean she has changed her mind unless she said she has.
Could you email her and ask if it's ok to go in weekly? I'm sure she would understand how much this would help you. I'm sure you could be useful as a volunteer too.
Please try and get a doctors appt if you wake in time tomorrow, after all Jill thinks it's necessary and I'm sure she can be trusted to make the right judgement. If you do go tell the doctor just how bad things have been lately if possible, even if it's written down.
Anyway I'm off to bed soon so big big ((((((hug)))))) for today, still thinking of you.
Lisa x
existential crisis
27-01-06, 10:16
Karen,
I think that the big cry was probably one of the best things to come out of the past couple of weeks or so. We all know that feeling of just breaking down for 'nothing' - like everyone else has said, usually it just takes something small and seemingly insignificant to set you off, but in the end its always a good thing. And, as you said, you know it wasn't really about the flowers anyway. I think that sometimes you can cry for days (I know I have) and whilst it's going on, you just feel exhausted and horrid, but afterwards you realise that you really did clear out some of the crap in your head and that it is therapeutic - and necessary for venting some of the emotions you have. You are going through so much at the moment, so you can hardly say that there is nothing to cry about. And so what if there isnt, the best of us feel like crying for no reason sometimes. And like Lisa said, if you aren't used to expressing emotions in that way, then it's bound to make you feel slightly odd. Please try not to beat yourself up about feeling so upset - you are allowed to. And that funding panel needs to pull their fingers out of their bums. Clare. xxx
*I think, therefore I am.*
Hi Karen,
How are you feeling today? Did you get some sleep? Did you make a doctors appt? It's not 20 questions I promise, only three! Lol.
I am still thinking of you :)
Lisa x
Karen,
It's been awhile since I've read this thread. I'm sorry you are feeling down. Don't worry about the crying; sometimes we all need to "get it out" once in awhile.
I hope you have a better day today.
-Gretchen
Hi Karen,
I am still thinking of you too. Like Nigel said I haven't seen you around so I hope you are ok and just getting some sleep and rest.
Lisa x
Hi Karen,
Thanks for texting me back last night to let me know you finally got home ok.
The computer has been messing me about all day and after a long call with PC World and completely redoing the whole thing I think I have finally got things back to how there were.
Did you manage to see the doctor today????
Love Piglet xx
"Supposing a tree fell down, Pooh, when we were underneath it?" said Piglet.
"Supposing it didn't," said Pooh after careful thought.
Hi Guys
Thank you all for the messages of support. I really appreciate every message.
I didn't get to sleep until about 5am, woke again at 8 but didn't want to get up so I stayed in bed panicking about whether to try to get an appointment with my doctor today or what to do next. I can't say I feel any better for crying or releasing all that emotion yesterday. I am still feeling very panicky, jumping at the slightly noise and feeling very low.
All I feel is total despair at the moment. I thought I have been doing the right things in terms of health and recovery this week. I haven't binged since the weekend and haven't taken laxatives since Monday. I have been eating small amounts of healthy food BUT I have GAINED several pounds since the beginning of the week :(:(:(.
Now I need to take loads of laxatives and starve myself. I can't stand being this weight and if I gain anymore then I just don't know what I'll do. I can't cope with this.
Finally I did pluck up courage to ring the surgery and my doctor had a cancellation this afternoon and I've just got back from seeing her. She said that this mess with the clinic and the PCT has gone on long enough, as I wasn't very well when I saw her last week and in the past few days the situation has deteriorated.
What is so frustrating is that no one seems to know what is going on. The CMHT told my doctor that there is no problem with the funding, or time restrictions, and that the approval is for a certain number of sessions from when I actually start. But the clinic as saying that funding approval has expired and has to be renewed.
My doctor phoned the clinic while I was there to try to sort it out but the person she needs to speak to isn't there. She said she will let me know when she finds out what is happening.
Apart from my doctor, I give up with the lot of them really. How can I trust anyone when all they have done is messed me around, increased my anxiety and push me from pillar to post?
Hi Karen,
Well done for going to the doctors. Did you tell her exactly how bad things have been? I'm pleased she is helping with the funding if she can.
It does seem odd that there doesn't seem to be a funding problem yet the clinic think there is. It seems someone has crossed wires somewhere. I hope your gp lets you know what's happening soon.
Karen you have done so well this week, don't take the laxatives, you don't need them honestly and as you have said they don't actually make you lose weight now anyway, so there really is no need, they just make you feel ill.
Take care,
Lisa x
Hi Lisa
Thank you for replying
Yes I did tell my doctor how bad things have been - well I gave her a note to read.
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">don't take the laxatives, you don't need them honestly and as you have said they don't actually make you lose weight now anyway, so there really is no need
<div align="right">Originally posted by LJ - 27 January 2006 : 16:22:16</div id="right">
</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
But the laxatives must have been making a difference. It is the only reason I can think of why I have gained weight even though I have been eating only small amounts and not bingeing.
I need to lose so much weight before I can even begin thinking about starting treatment at the clinic.
Karen x
Hannahlou84
27-01-06, 16:53
Karen,
It's because of the laxatives you are gaining weight. You drain your body of everything it needs, and then as soon as you try and eat sensibly again your body stores it all up because it is scared the same thing will happen again. So the best thing you can actually do is not use them, and once your body gets used to the small amount, as it will be now, you will probably begin to lose weight again. Or at least maintain.
Hannah x
Thanks for your reply Hannah.
I have only been eating rice cakes and fruit, apart from yesterday when Jill gave me some scrambled egg.
I'm really panicking this afternoon that my weight is going to keep increasing like this. I can't stand it. There is so much fat everywhere. I need to get rid of it - NOW. I don't want to live like this.
I need to lose weight. There is no way I can maintain at this weight. I am far far too fat.:(
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Hi Karen,
Well done for telling your doctor how things are, giving her that note took alot of courage, I'm proud of you.
Hannah is right about the laxatives. Also sometimes if we don't eat enough we can put on weight as our metabolism alters. I know that doesn't make sense but it can happen.
Why do you need to lose weight before the clinic? I expect part of the treatment will be helping you to accept your weight issues, so the healthier you are when you start treatment the better.
Still thinking of you.
Lisa x
Hi Lisa
Thanks so much for your support.
If I'd been braver I would have seen my doctor at the beginning of the week when K first suggested it. My doctor is supportive and has been very helpful. I didn't get any more sleeping pills from her though and she ignored my question about why she had given me half the dose last week. Good job my supply I ordered from the online pharmacy have now arrived.
I don't understand the metabolism bit really because I've eaten less than this before now and even fasted completely and still lost weight.
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">Why do you need to lose weight before the clinic?</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
Either that or avoid eating while I am there because I cannot handle being this weight and they will want me to gain more.
I know it will be part of the treatment to help me accept my weight issues but I can't stand the way I am right now. I just want to disappear and not be seen. I can't stand the feel of the fat on my body or how obese I look.
I am extremely anxious still and have been having panic attacks this afternoon. I just want to go back to bed and sleep but my doctor might phone.
Karen x
Hi Karen,
You're welcome to the support mate, I appreciate your support - the mutual appreciation society! Lol.
It doesn't matter that you didn't see your doctor on Monday, you went and that's the main thing. I'm so glad she was supportive.
Sorry you're still anxious and having panic attacks, I know the feeling. Big hug and hope the doctor calls.
Lisa x
Thank you Lisa.
Mutual appreciation society lol!
I am still so tired and worn out. I will give my doctor a little while longer and then try to have a nap I think.
I could've done with sleeping all day to avoid feeling like this but I am trying to use the supply I ordered sensibly rather than for reasons I originally planned, ie remaining unconscious for as many hours as possible.
Thank you for the hug!
Karen x
Don't forget to come into chat later - I am going in about 9ish.
Love Piglet xx
Hi Karen,
How are you feeling tonight? Did the doctor phone you?
I hope you're doing ok, still thinking of you. I hope you managed to have a nap. I was so pleased to hear you plan to use the sleeping pills sensibly, well done.
Lisa x
Thank you Lisa.
Sorry Piglet I wasn't feeling up to coming into chat.
Everything has changed now. I did receive a call from my doctor and I start at the clinic on Monday but this is not the positive step I hoped it might be earlier tonight.
I have ruined my life by gaining weight and giving in to the cravings to eat and binge. Now I have to lose this weight and I have to do it now. What is happening with K is my punishment for eating and for the weight gain. It's my fault and I have to do something about it.
So now I have a new target weight and I am going to have to meet it no matter what. I'll go to the clinic but I won't eat. I can't.
Why did I ruin everything by eating? It was all alright until I allowed myself food. I have to be strong and resist. I've become weak and pathetic and allowed myself to be tempted to stray from the right path. I am not doing it anymore.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
So sorry you didn't make it into chat - it was really good to talk to lots of the faces on here.
karen today's post really does illustrate how much you do need to be going to the clinic on Monday, so I am soooooo pleased that it has come through finally. You have a good doctor there Karen:):):)
Everything you have said is the opposite of what is really true. I wish you could go with a more postive approach though.
Lots of people on here and behind the scenes are really rooting for you - please try and meet us half-way.
Big hugs
Piglet xx
hi karen
I hope you are feeling even a smidgen better today...
I can't imagine what this awful anorexia is putting you through at the moment but you are certainly being tested... I know you will come back fighting it again and I hope that this clinic turns out to be a turning point for you...
Going on as you are would be so so hard - I wish with all my heart for the clinic to help you...
I know how alone you must feel (I have had one of those nights of fear, loneliness and weeping) but everyone dealing with illness is alone in a way and at least we have found support here.... and we pick ourselves up, and go back into the battle every day with that knowledge...
I haven't got a full understanding of your relationship with K so I don't comment on it usually but I have an idea of the feeling...I am very emotionally dependent on my son, which I know I should not be and try to hide from him and everyone. But if I don't talk to him, or something goes a little wrong in our conversations I am distraught. After spending the week working so hard on the campaign, then getting my rash back yesterday I was feeling very low. I would have coped, but he phoned on the way to the hospital and was very sharp with me and I crumpled like a paper bag.... I think this is how you feel about K. He has just phoned and acknowledged he wasn't very nice and we chatted for 15 minutes and I feel so much better.. but I know I shouldn't be so dependent (he doesn't realise I don't think. So I am working very hard today to try and re-connect with other people and get my support from them. I also have no other family support and feel that no-one else understands me - but I must try and change that somehow.
Sorry, I'm rambling and I don't know if it helps to know you are not the only one with dependency issues lol!!!
You are so intelligent and perceptive and kind and positive, your posts are always so thoughtful and well constructed - you have so much to offer that if you can beat this anorexia you would never be lonely again, people would be queuing up to be close to you!
Grasp the nettle hon if you possibly can..
(((((((((HUG)))))))))
fee
xx
Hi Karen,
I think it's great news that you start at the clinic on Monday and it is a very positive step - hooray for your doctor!
I think it would help you if you could go with a more positive attitude and just at least try and accept the treatment, if you go determined to starve that won't help you much. Part of overcoming this illness is accepting that you need to eat and become a normal weight, of course they will help you achieve this and address the underlying issues you have.
I really hope you can give this a go and work with them instead of resisting the help they offer with eating etc.
Gaining weight has not ruined your life, in fact it could save it. The anorexia is ruining your life. Like Piglet said today's post just shows how much you need the help of the clinic.
Hope you're ok, thinking of you,
Lisa x
Thank you Guys.
Piglet - I was feeling positive about going for treatment and felt prepared to work at trying to recover from this illness but everything has changed now. There is so much pulling me back and reasons why it is so difficult to want to be free from anorexia. This is what anorexia does. It makes it virtually impossible to want another way of life because the argument for keeping with it are so strong.
The one reason I had for getting better has now been taken away. The one goal I had that I wanted to work towards no longer exists. My motivation is now at an all time low.
Lisa - Anorexia was taking me in the right direction. Bad things started happening when I started eating... tragedies even. My closest friend lost her Dad in tragic circumstances, I have become such a selfish, bad, waste of space who just hurts people, and now I am losing the only person who makes my life worth anything. All of this is my fault.
Hi Fee
I appreciate you stopping by to offer me support when you are going through so much yourself right now.
I think you seem to have a fairly good understanding of my relationship with K. I am totally emotionally dependent on her. She is my life and without her my life has no meaning. She is like a surrogate mum to me. She is kind, caring, compassionate, understanding, patient and gentle. And I think one of most important aspects of our relationship for me is that she has been there and supported me no matter what I say or do. She has never once judged me or criticised 'me' the person, even when she doesn't always approve of some of my behaviours. I've never had that kind of understanding and acceptance before.
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">I am very emotionally dependent on my son... But if I don't talk to him, or something goes a little wrong in our conversations I am distraught... I would have coped, but he phoned on the way to the hospital and was very sharp with me and I crumpled like a paper bag.... I think this is how you feel about K.<div align="right">Originally posted by feege - 28 January 2006 : 11:18:18</div id="right">
</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
Yes this is how it is with K. I become distraught if I think I have upset or hurt her in any way. Living without her is something I just can't contemplate.
I hope you are feeling a little better this morning. I am thinking of you.
Karen x
Hi Karen,
Nothing has changed, the goals are still the same, it's just that you are seeing it differently. You need to get better for you not K, but if K is the only reason you can do it then nothing has changed, she is still there for you and always will be. You always say you trust her so much therefore realise she would not break a promise to you. You are not losing her at all.
Anything bad that has happened is nothing to do with you eating again. Jac's Dad died because there was something wrong with him, it's not possible that it was because you were eating. I think you'll realise that when you're being more rational.
You're a good kind person Karen, we all know that here.
Please try and see the clinic as an opportunity to get well and be free of Edie, you have so much to get well for, including K who will still be there for you.
Take care,
Lisa x
Thanks for you support Lisa.
I have just had enough. It all got so much worse when I started eating. I can't handle being so fat. It was all going well when I starved myself. I had my goal in sight. I was almost there. Now I am a world away from reaching this goal and fulfilling those dreams. I have so much weight to lose now. I have to lose 2st. I've just got to. I need to do it now.
K wouldn't break her promise to me but then unexpected things happen and she might not have any choice. Anything could happen to her where she is going. She won't be safe. Things could be a whole lot worse because she's not safe.
I need to take more laxatives and diet pills. I have to stop eating and I need to lose this weight.
Karen x
Hi Karen,
I hate to say this but your dreams won't come true when you reach your goal (or should I say Edies goal). You will just become ill. Your best chance of reaching your dreams is to get well again. Nothing has changed because you've eaten, that is the anorexia talking. Being happy is nothing to do with weight and it never will be for any of us.
Edie is just trying to lead you down a path of more unhappiness and ill health. You want to get well and meet K for lunch, how will that happen if you follow Edie, it won't.
You can't possibly need to lose 2 stone, Jill said you still look thin, you are underweight and there's no way your body needs to lose anything let alone 2 stone. I know you will reply and say you are fat but that is just the anorexia and dysmorphia talking.
Please don't take the pills and laxatives, they are not helpful.
I am so glad you're going to the clinic on Monday, I really hope you can work with them to get better.
Big hug and thinking of you.
Lisa x
Hi Lisa
I know no one believes me that I am fat, or that I have gained a lot of weight which I now need to lose. I don't expect anyone to understand that really.
Jill might have said I still look underweight but she couldn't really tell. I have been hiding my fat body with baggy clothing because I am so ashamed. No one else can see, but I know it is there and that I have to get rid of it.
Everything has changed since I have been eating. I now feel more distressed than I have in ages. K is leaving. There are worries with other people too. I am losing everyone and it is my fault.
I'm sorry Lisa. I could lie and tell you that I won't take laxatives or other pills, but I don't want to lie. Edie makes it hard enough to stop myself hiding my actions and I try hard to remain honest and not deceive people.
A few days ago I had hope of receiving help from the clinic but now that hope has been wiped out. I don't want to eat and so I don't see how they are going to be able to help me really. If anything, I am less likely to eat while I am there, as eating with people I don't know is virtually impossible.
Karen x
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">A few days ago I had hope of receiving help from the clinic but now that hope has been wiped out<div align="right">Originally posted by Karen - 28 January 2006 : 23:49:01</div id="right">
</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
Why has that been wiped out? Nothing has changed. They can and will help you but you also have to want to help yourself and want to get better. They are experts and they can help, please just let them and give it a chance.
Karen - I believe you feel fat and think you are fat but that doesn't mean you are fat. This is the dysmorphia too. Jill could still tell how thin you are, even with baggy clothes on. Your doctor would also be telling you if you had reached a normal weight. I don't doubt you have put some weight on and it's this that is making you feel distressed, but it doesn't mean you are fat, it means you are getting healthier. I do feel I'm fighting a losing battle with this argument as you can only believe Edie right now it seems.
But as usual she is wrong.
You are not losing everyone, even K may not be going anywhere and even if she is, it can't possibly be your fault.
Karen I appreciate your honesty and I wouldn't want you to lie about anything.
Anyway I hope you sleep tonight,
Night,
Lisa x
Hi Lisa
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">Why has that been wiped out? Nothing has changed. They can and will help you but you also have to want to help yourself and want to get better.</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
I suppose I had more of a reason to want to at least try but now all I can think about is losing weight and avoiding eating.
I can't cope with how fat I feel and you are right that no one can convince me that I'm not fat. Thank you for trying though. I feel and see myself getting bigger every day and I am petrified of where it will stop.
My doctor didn't weigh me this time and so didn't have any reason to comment.
I feel so freaked out by how much I weigh now. This is so frightening. The despair is overwhelming me. I haven't weighed this much in such a long time and I hate myself for allowing it to get so out of control. I need to get back to how I was before I lost control and started eating.
Karen x
Hannahlou84
29-01-06, 00:56
I guess another way to consider the question of whether or not you want to get better is to ask yourself if you want to feel like this forever. Do you?
For change to happen you are going to have a change in your thinking. I appreciate this isn't just going to happen, but if you give people the impression that you don't want to be helped, what incentive does this give them? What does it give you? It's OK to be scared of getting better, and it's OK to admit that too (even at the clinic) but you also have to be able to acknowledge that for you to be emotionally and physically healthy again somethings will have to change. But then you know this really, don't you?
I don't want to just say "you'll be OK" or anything empty. I know how hard it is to snap out of mindsets, I don't want to upset you, I just think it may help you to consider things a little more positively. Nobody's expecting you to be happy about your situation, you just need to know things need to change and to want it.
I hope you sleep well tonight, you certainly need the rest.
Hannah x
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">I guess another way to consider the question of whether or not you want to get better is to ask yourself if you want to feel like this forever. Do you?<div align="right">Originally posted by Hannahlou84 - 29 January 2006 : 00:56:48</div id="right">
</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
I felt better before I started eating and before I gained this weight. My distress is caused because of the weight gain.
So to feel better I need to stop eating and I need to lose weight. Then I will be fine. It will all be alright again.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Karen,
You know that losing weight is the completely opposite thing to do and that it ultimately will not make you feel better. The distress is not caused by the weight gain; it's about your out of control feelings at the moment.. You have to remember that feelings are fleeting but your health is not. Please don't undo all the good you were doing.
Hi Karen,
How are you today? I hope you don't mind but I'm just replying here today otherwise I seem to say the same things on both of your threads.
I hope you got some sleep and are feeling a bit more positive about the clinic tomorrow. I really hope you can go tomorrow with an open mind and try your best to work with them to get better. It would be a shame to not make the most of this opportunity after all the effort it's taken to arrange it but more importantly than that you deserve to do this for you.
I just wanted to pick up on something from one of your posts - you said it is a fact that you need to lose weight, well it isn't a fact at all. A fact is something with genuine evidence to back it up, like your gp telling you that it's true and the reasons behind it. You may feel and even believe it is true but that is just a feeling and not a fact. It's like with my health anxiety, I can often feel that something terrible will happen but that doesn't make it a fact. That's why I often say I feel like I know something will happen e.g. I never say it's fact as I can't say that.
It's Edie, the dysmorphia and the delusional thoughts trying to get you to believe things that are not true. You are the only person who thinks you are fat, everyone else can't be wrong really can they especially K, Jill, and your gp etc.
Anyway I'm thinking about you and sending a big hug and lots of positive vibes for tomorrow.
Lisa x
Hi Lisa & Sick of It
No, of course I don't mind you replying here. This is the anorexia one but it's kind of crept onto my thread about K too.
I'm still not feeling great. I couldn't sleep and had more panic and anxiety. I keep feeling like I am going to cry every time I think about K leaving but think I am back to keeping my emotions hidden inside.
Really I am trying to keep an open mind about the clinic and I know the best thing I could do to make K happy would be to get well. But I am so scared by it all and the fact I have gained so much weight before even starting treatment just makes things worse. I am so distressed that I am now so fat that all I can think about is losing weight. I need to stop eating and don't see how I am going to be able to cope with eating with strangers around.
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">you said it is a fact that you need to lose weight, well it isn't a fact at all. A fact is something with genuine evidence to back it up, like your gp telling you that it's true and the reasons behind it. You may feel and even believe it is true but that is just a feeling and not a fact.</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
Hmm well it is a fact to me because I am working off completely different weight and BMI ideal weights than my doctor uses. According to mine, I am very overweight and need to lose 2 stone.
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">You are the only person who thinks you are fat, everyone else can't be wrong really can they especially K, Jill, and your gp etc.</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
K has never met me and so can only go by what other people say. Jill doesn't actually know what I weigh and it is over a week since my doctor weighed me. Not taking any laxatives for most of the week has caused further weight gain and I can't let it go on like this.
Thanks for the hugs and positive vibes.
Karen x
Hi Karen,
Glad you are keeping an open mind about the clinic, just go along and see how it goes, try your best etc, that's all anyone can do.
Sorry you didn't sleep and still feel anxious.
The fact you have gained some weight prior to going to the clinic is a positive thing, but I do understand the distress it causes you.
Ok you can argue about Jill and K and your weight, but your doctor does know what you weigh and even if you have put on a few pounds in the last week it doesn't change anything drastically. When your gp last weighed you, you were still underweight and still will be now.
You can't just work from your own BMI ideas etc, the medical ones that the doctors have are the accurate ones. If Edie has her own ideas she is wrong and telling lies as always. I, and many others, keep trying to get you to see that you are not fat but I don't think anyone is going to help you to see this - that's why I really hope the clinic can help you.
Still thinking of you.
Lisa x
Hi Lisa
Thank you for trying to convince me about my weight but it is true that no one can.
For me, the weight I am now is very overweight and I can't stop believing this is true. I also can't handle seeing the fat on my body or the way it is changing.
I feel so ashamed and digusted with the way I look now.
Karen x
You're welcome Karen.
I can only try can't I and you could say I'm very trying ;) Lol.
Thinking of you.
Lisa x
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">You're welcome Karen.
I can only try can't I and you could say I'm very trying ;) Lol.
<div align="right">Originally posted by LJ - 29 January 2006 : 14:43:06</div id="right">
</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
Thank you Lisa. Your support means a lot to me. And you are not trying lol!
I am starting to get very anxious about starting at the clinic tomorrow. I can't believe it is actually happening after all these months of trying to find help and now I am about to start treatment, I am feeling very scared.
Tonight I am worrying about how many other patients will be there and the fact that it is a mixed group. I am worried about being weighed when I arrive because I am so ashamed and disgusted with myself for gaining so much weight. Then there are 3 meals to contend with and I feel extremely uncomfortable eating when other people are around.
I am also getting increasingly anxious about being away from home and my computer all day. I don't handle it well when I am not able to check that K is alive and well, let alone not being able to check for messages from her. I've switched text alerts on so I can see if I receive a PM from her forum, but this isn't fool proof, as at times I've thought the message is from K but someone else has sent me a PM for some reason.
I know I need this help and treatment, and that I have to go tomorrow but I am terrified.
Karen
Nothing tastes as good as thin feels
Hi Karen,
I have just realised from reading your other thread that you are starting the clinic tomorrow, and that is fabulous news in that you are going to get some real help with this horrible thing.
I can understand how reticent you feel about the whole thing, including the lack of PC access, the social grouping and so on.
But just think of the potential benefits. This could lead to giving Edie the right heave-o at long last, and a gateway for you to get well all round. More than that, a real outcome as you progress could be a lunch date with K in Ireland. Why not???
But as you say, go with an open mind, that is always the best way.
Remember, those people at the clinic do not know you, but they are experienced in the psychology of eating disorders. And correcting the psychology is what its all about.
I wanna wish you some good nights sleep tonight, but if you are anything like me, you'll hardly get any before such a day.
Be strong, we're rootin' for ya. :)
Ray
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance, I hope you dance.
~Mark Sanders and Tia Sillers
Just popping on to say all the best for tomorrow and I look forward to hearing how day one went, when you get home.:):):)
Love and hugs.:D
Piglet xxxxxx
Hi Karen,
Just wanted to send my best wishes for tomorrow, will be thinking of you.
Sue
Thanks you for the good wishes Ray, Piglet and Sue. I am petrified now [:O].
Ray: No, I doubt I will get much sleep tonight either when I really want to sleep so I don't keep worrying about tomorrow.
Wish I could sneak my laptop in so I could check on K throughout the day[:I].
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">More than that, a real outcome as you progress could be a lunch date with K in Ireland. Why not???
<div align="right">Originally posted by clickaway - 29 January 2006 : 20:54:46</div id="right">
</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
Because I doubt it will ever actually happen. Even if I get better from the anorexia, I don't think I will ever not feel the way I do about K and this will be another block to me actually meeting up with her.
Plus going to Ireland on my own would be too scary!
I am so extremely thirsty tonight and it is driving me mad. I hate this because no amount of water quenches my thirst and it also makes the sugar cravings worse. I wish it would stop.
Karen
Nothing tastes as good as thin feels
Hi Karen,
It's only natural you feel nervous about tomorrow, anyone would but you will get through it and cope as I know how strong you can be. Just remember they are there to help you and we are all here rooting for you and thinking of you.
Do you spend the whole day there?
Sorry about the thirst/cravings, is it this week you get the blood tests done?
I do hope you get some sleep tonight, or at least some rest.
Sending you lots of hugs and positive vibes for tomorrow. I will be thinking of you.
Lisa x :)
Hi Karen
Well done kid you are fab! I will be thinking of you tomorrow and I really think this could be brilliant for you... Boot that bloomin Edie to the kerb - she's a pain in the backside!!
You never cease to amaze me you have been through the mill since xmas... I know it's going to be a long old night for you (think of me scratching... no sorry don't that's a horrible thought!!) but it could be the beginning of the rest of your life (sorry I know that's corny but it's true!).
I hope you get some sleep and that it all turns out to be way easier than you fear.....
good luck hon!
love and hugs xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
fee
xx
Hi Lisa/Fee
Thank you so much for your support. I appreciate it so much and need all the encouragement I can get at the moment. I am petrified.
Lisa: Yes it is for the whole day - well 10.30 until 4.30 which will be a long day for me. I'm often not even awake at 10.30 in the morning and by mid afternoon I'm really tired again.
The blood tests are on Thursday morning which means I will be late going in on that day. I don't want to change the blood test appointment as I'll have to wait another couple of weeks again and I need to find out if there is something medical causing this thirst.
Fee: Thanks, you have such a way with words! Your message made me smile!
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">Boot that bloomin Edie to the kerb - she's a pain in the backside!!</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
Yep she certainly is but she is not going quietly [Duh!]
I hope you get some sleep and relief from the itching.
By the end of the week I'll probably be so tired that I'll sleep all weekend, what with being at the clinic during the day and spending all evening on the internet - which I am bound to do in an attempt to catch up with everything and write to K etc
Karen x
he he glad to make you smile Karen!
Nite hon - will keep everything crossed for you xxxxxxxx
(best stop hugging everyone - don't want you all itching! lol)
fee
xx
Hi Karen,
You're welcome for the support, I know you must be petrified but you can do it.
It makes sense to still have the blood tests Thurs, I agree you need to know the results of that.
Take care and I look forward to hearing how you got on.
Another big hug and a few more positive vibes for you.
Night night,
Lisa x
Thanks Guys.
I'm feeling bad as I am sat here eating grapes now as I couldn't resist the urge for something sweet any longer. I shouldn't be eating at this time of night.
Now I need to sleep I am not tired typically and there's nothing on TV. So I am watching the Carpenters film on DVD - it arrived the other day!
Thank you both for your support.
Karen x
One more thing before I go to bed... turn that DVD off! Please? I only say this as it really won't help you. I know you need distraction but this isn't the right sort.
The grapes are fine and should ease the cravings, plenty of vitamin C and practically no calories so don't worry about eating them.
Night night,
Lisa x
P.S Well done for getting rid of the negative signature quote :D
Hi Lisa
I am still watching the DVD. I needed the inspiration to stop eating, even if I have been eating grapes. There are still calories in grapes and I have to be weighed tomorrow :(.
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">P.S Well done for getting rid of the negative signature quote :D
</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
Umm, it's still there [:I]
Karen
Nothing tastes as good as thin feels
I feel so fat and have eaten too much. I really don't want to get on the scales tomorrow.
Feeling sick now too
Karen
Nothing tastes as good as thin feels
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">P.S Well done for getting rid of the negative signature quote :D
</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
Umm, it's still there [:I]
<div align="right">Originally posted by Karen - 29 January 2006 : 23:57:42</div id="right">
</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
So I see, well it did disappear for one message so that's a start! Maybe think about replacing it with something more positive?
The grapes will be fine, hardly any calories, not enough to show up on the scales. Try and get some rest. I didn't realise how late it's got, I was waiting for neighbours to shut up, and they did a while ago, and then started looking at house prices etc in this area. Oops.
Night mate, thinking of you.
Lisa x
Hi Lisa
The trouble is that it is grapes on top of the rest of the food I've had today.
Anyway, I went to bed but had to get up again with stomach cramps and feeling sick. I am still very very thisty too.
Think I am going to be very tired in the morning.
Karen x
Hi Karen,
Hope you got some sleep in the end. Just popped on to say good luck today, sending you hugs and positive vibes and will be thinking of you.
Let us know how you get on.
Take care,
Lisa x
Morning Karen
Just popped in to say I'm thinking about you... I hope today goes well and I'm looking forward to hearing all about it!
take care hon - we're all here behind you xxxxx
(I thought of a quote for for my posts "you're never alone with scabies" - what do you think lol!)
JFDI it! xxxxxxxxxx
fee
xx
Thank you Lisa.
I had an hour or so sleep in the end I think.
This morning I am feeling so scared and all I want to do is go back to bed and stay there.
I just want to be with K.
I have nothing to wear that I feel comfortable in. I don't want to be weighed or to eat. I can't let them make me eat or I'll never lose this weight. I am too fat to be anorexic. I don't even know what I am doing going there.
Karen
Nothing tastes as good as thin feels
existential crisis
30-01-06, 08:42
Karen,
Good luck with today. I'll be thinking about you. You are going there because you are taking these problems in hand and kicking Edie's ass. A great reason not to go back to bed.
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">I don't want to be weighed or to eat. I can't let me make me eat or I'll never lose this weight. I am too fat to be anorexic.</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
That is why you are going today, hun.
Stay strong! Clare xxx
*I think, therefore I am.*
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">(I thought of a quote for for my posts "you're never alone with scabies" - what do you think lol!)
<div align="right">Originally posted by feege - 30 January 2006 : 08:25:54</div id="right">
</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
Lol Fee!
Thanks for your support. I'll be on here as soon as I get home!
K is so kind and came on the internet especially to send me good luck wishes before she goes out for the day. She is so supportive.
Karen
Nothing tastes as good as thin feels
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">Good luck with today. I'll be thinking about you. You are going there because you are taking these problems in hand and kicking Edie's ass. A great reason not to go back to bed.
</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
Thanks Claire for your support. I know I can't go back to bed. I have leave in a minute. So scared.
Karen
Nothing tastes as good as thin feels
Just to join in everyones wishes,
good luck with today.. as i've always said, i think you're incredibly brave!! so well done for making this very important step.
is it monday - friday? and for how long?
I'll be thinking of you and really hoping that today isn't as bad as you thought it would be..
also can I have your address so that while you're off getting better, I can go round and hide your carpenters DVD!!!?!!!
spk later,
lisa
xxx
"do not fear to hope...Each time we smell the autumn's dying scent, we know that primrose time will come again"
Hi Karen,
I know you're not there now but just wanted to say I'm still thinking of you and wondering how it's going. I know you must be scared but I am really proud of you and know you can do this.
That was lovely of K to come on and send you a message. Everyone is behind you and willing you on - so many of us are holding your hands they must be sore by now! Lol.
Big hugs and well done for today.
Lisa x
bluesparkle
30-01-06, 12:43
hi karen...
just want to say im thinking of you and sending loads of posative vibes your way...
i hope your day went well...
i think you have done great to have gone... looking forward to hearing how it went
rach
x
Hi mate,
Will be checking in again later to see how you got on :D
Piglet xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Fee - quote made me snort (not a pretty sight[Ugh]):D
"Supposing a tree fell down, Pooh, when we were underneath it?" said Piglet.
"Supposing it didn't," said Pooh after careful thought.
Thank you Nigel, Lisa, Lisa, Rach & Piglet. Your support is appreciated so much and the good wishes.
I am home rather earlier than expected today and I'm not sure how it went really. It was a struggle and I don't know what is going on or how things are going to progress from here.
When I arrived the manager showed me into this room where two other women was chatting and I later found out that they are the only two other patients being treated for eating disorders.
Now I know none of you believe me when I say how fat I am but I feel even fatter now. I feel like a fraud for being there because compared to these ladies I am obese. I need to be in a diet clinic to stop eating, not a clinic to get me to eat.
The nurse I saw last time eventually came and took me to a room. First she couldn't find my file, and then she mentioned receiving the information from K but couldn't find it. It doesn't seem to be very organised there.
She asked me loads of questions about what I want help to change and then about what I eat, how I feel about eating etc. It was so difficult trying to talk and I kept clamming up. I would find it difficult to talk to a stranger anyway but it is harder talking about these issues. A couple of times I felt she lost patience with me and said "You're not answering me" as if I was doing it on purpose. This has happened to me so many times in the past and just makes things worse.
Then she asked what I wanted to do there today and I didn't know how to reply to that. I don't know what they do. She asked if I wanted to come home, eat lunch and then just 'hang around for a while'. I definitely didn't want to eat lunch and didn't know what 'hanging around' meant to said I'd come home.
It was really difficult because she kept asking me to make all these choices and decisions when I don't know what is going on or what happens there. She still couldn't tell me how many sessions I have been funded for and asked if I just wanted to come in for a couple of hours a day, or certain days a week or every day. She said if I go mornings or afternoons it spreads the sessions out over a longer time span as they only claim for half a day. She seemed to be recommending this I think but it wasn't clear.
So at the moment I am going Mon/Tues/Thurs/Fri afternoons at 2.30. But then she asked me what time I would stay until. How was I supposed to know what usually happens? I was thinking it would be until about 5.30 but was totally tongue-tied and couldn't speak. In the end she said to stay until 7.30, which seems a long time and almost as many hours as going all day.
This also means I'll have to eat tea there when I thought I could miss the main meals. But she said it is a condition of treatment to eat while I am there, and in fact she tried to persuade me to eat some fruit and nuts this morning. Nuts are fattening. Then she asked whether I'd had anything to drink today and I said water - because I am always thirsty and drink loads of water. She wasn't too impressed that water is all I drink and even less so when I said I drink cold water when she thought I should be drinking it warm.
She forgot to weigh me before she gave me a drink and therefore I escaped this today. She said she would have to do it tomorrow instead because one of the criteria for funding is that I don't lose weight. I don't see how they can say that when I am so fat.
I am still none the wiser about what actually goes on there and what the schedule is. It all seems rather vague. All she told me was to bring books or knitting or whatever I like doing for the rest periods. Wonder if I can take my laptop.
She has also given me some food charts to complete.
I know it was only the first day but I have come away feeling worse. There is so much uncertainty about what actually goes on and what the days will involve, and I feel so very FAT now too. There is no way I am anorexic. I am greedy, eat too much and am so overweight.
[quote]<b id="quote">quote:</b
hmm hello karen! back home!?
well what a strange day!?
I must say though, all first days absolutely anywhere are like that, new job, school, college.. its always a bit like that.. you'll get used to it the more you go and it will make more and more sense no doubt. People do have a habit of assuming you know whats going on.. so in that respect sounds like a typical first day.. the point is my dear!! is that you went!!!
yahoooo!!!
well done..
Lisa
xxx
p.s. shame about the dvd!! I'llhave to think of another way!!
"do not fear to hope...Each time we smell the autumn's dying scent, we know that primrose time will come again"
Thanks Lisa. I was in and out in just over an hour and I'm not sure whether to feel relieved or not. I'm a bit worried about the lack of structure as I don't cope well when I don't know what is going on.
I would've been home by 12.30 but I went for some retail therapy in an attempt to cheer myself up. Not that it worked though. No point even looking at clothes when I am so fat [Duh!]
My DVD is hidden in a safe place!
Karen
Nothing tastes as good as thin feels
Karen,
hopefully you've hidden it so well, you'll forgot where you put it!!
yes, its not nice not having that structure, but i'm sure it will come as you get used to it.. I was like that in my first week at work, someone would say, oh why dont you get yourself a glass of water, and i'd be like, errr where is it!? and lets take a toilet break.. errr, and where is that?
i'm sure you'll get used to it..
where did you do some retail therapy? i thought i'd do that at the dockland outlet centre as its opposite my uni but its was a pretty horrible place and i didn't like anything! ah well.. can always order something online i suppose!!
i guess you must be relieved the first day is over anyway and its good to get out of the house for a bit if nothing else.. as you can tell its my uni day today.. back at work tmrow so wont be around so much.. on my 3rd week of uni, only 7 left!! not that i'm counting or anything!
well done again!
lisa
xxx
"do not fear to hope...Each time we smell the autumn's dying scent, we know that primrose time will come again"
Thanks again Lisa.
I just don't know how this is going to work. I can't stop thinking that I am too fat to be there and I can't be anorexic. I have let myself go so much and gained so much weight. I can't stand it. I don't want to be with people who are so much smaller than me. It just reminds me how much of a failure I am and how bad I am.
I'm so FAT FAT FAT. I have to lose weight.
Karen
Nothing tastes as good as thin feels
Karen,
you are NOT fat. Your doctor knows your weight and she would not have referred you there if it wasn't necessary. This is exactly the reason why it is right for you as your perception of yourself is very different from the reality.
Your whole view on this is distorted which is why you do need to be there. You do not have a regular balanced diet and are underweight and have a problem with controlling your food ie diet pills and laxatives, aka an eating disorder. You do need help with this and hopefully this will get easier and easier and much clearer the more you go..
it is a good thing that you are going and getting help. A positive step that you have taken and we are all hugely proud of you, so keep it up!
Lisa
xxx
"do not fear to hope...Each time we smell the autumn's dying scent, we know that primrose time will come again"
Powered by vBulletin® Version 4.2.5 Copyright © 2024 vBulletin Solutions Inc. All rights reserved.