can't live like this no more

[nanny]

Hi all

Although i have been on the site a couple of years i don't usualy post about myself but today i just need to talk.

I suffer severe anxiety and depression and i can't deal with it anymore. I worry worry worry about every single thing in life, i want this anxiety to go away, leave me alone, leave me in peace.

I worrying mondays and there on about going shopping thursdays, i worry each morning when i get up incase someone wants me to do something/go somewhere when it could be a day i can't go out.
I get up each morning and start worrying about all the housework and don't rest until it's done, even if it's a tiny thing i have to do it or i won't rest, oh i wish i could be normal.

I have had this years but since having to stop work 4 years ago it has got worse, i have become a recluse, lost all my friends etc. Hubby's my rock but i'm afraid he'll get fed up soon.

I feel i'm getting no help with it at all, i have been addicted to diazepam for 12 years, take strong anti d's night time and thats it. Doctor said i need to see someone but she won't refer me, no funds she said. she said i have to pay myself, i'm on incapacity and can't afford it.
I just don't know where to turn or what to do.
bad day today, keep crying and just wish i was better.

sorry for the rant, just needed to talk.
Thanks NMP for being here.

[Neuro]

I know how you feel....like you just want it to stop because it's so overwhelming....I felt like that lately, but it will get better. Every single time I've told myself 'this is it, I won't ever get better' I have....it might take some time, but one day you'll be better.
Try to relieve the anxiety with relaxing activities.....read or listen to music, but make sure your mind is fully occupied. Boost your mood with chocolate or warmth.

[gypsywomen]

sorry you feel so low ,, i cant uderstand why your docter is letting you suffer like this ,,one thing i can say i was like you i could take up to 20mg a day of dyimaz ,i was ok but in the end it caused well one of the things that caused my anxiety,,

[SarahG]

That's ridiculous! If I was you I would seriously consider changing your GP.

Sorry to hear you've hit rock bottom... I do know how you feel as I am seriously worrying whether I can pull myself out of the anxiety cycle this time around. I've started getting agrophobic but know the only way to get myself out of it is to make myself do stuff.

Just take things slowly but give yourself little goals to achieve each day. Don't make them ridiculously hard, make them achievable and you will start to feel better about yourself and your abilities.

[MONKEE_MAGIK]

Hi Nanny,

Sorry to hear you are having a bad time of it at the moment.

I am a long term anxiety sufferer too so I know how at times you feel hopeless and helpless to do anything. I also went though a bad depression about two years ago and hit rock bottom so again I know how it feels.

With regards to a referral from your GP have you asked to see another doctor or perhaps contact an organisation such as MIND to ask for advise about how to get referred to the relevant services? Their website is www.mind.org.uk.

I think that you should not focus so much on the things you can't tackle at the moment like going out or worrying that someone may ask you to go somewhere. Instead focus on the positive steps you can make such as maybe going out for a short walk around the block or just sit out in the garden. With regards to feeling you have lost your friends are they aware how you are feeling at the moment? Maybe just invite them round for a cup of tea and a chat?

I know you may not feel like seeing people but I found the only way to stop feeling so isolated was to try and be involved with friends and family. It took alot of willpower to fight the anxiety to lock myself away from the world but I am so glad I did it now.

Just keep in mind that when you are feeling depressed you see the world in a very negative way which difficult to shake but it is not impossible trust me I managed to beat it!!!!

I hope you feel a little reassured reading this. It will get better.

Monkee

[nanny]

Oh thank you so much for your replies, just knowing someone is there helps so very much.
Oh i do hope i will get better neuro, i do have a little chocolate, my weight has dropped drestically i'm only 7, 12 so don't think a little choc would hurt, i'm always cold so look for warmth all the time.

gypsy, i would love to get off these diazepam, i'm tired all the time yet up before 5.30 eah morning which makes for a very long day when stuck at home, i also think they don't help me, it's just an addiction now.

sarah, everybody tells me to change gp, but i hate change, i need a routine or fall to bits, so a tiny change will send me crazy. I'm also frightened that if i do change docs they won't understand.

once again thank you all so much for replying to me. It means a lot.

[nanny]

Thank you so much monkee, that has helped greatly along with the other, i SHALL try to do things, i'll just have to no matter how hard or hurtful it is.
Thank you for the link i shall take a look.

many thanks x

p.s well done for beating it, maybe one day i will be able to say the same x

[expecto patronum]

Hi Nanny. Could you see another GP just for one visit without changing permanently? Some GPs don't have a very good attitude to mental health, but I was told that there is a lot more funding available now than previously, as a new initiative called IAPS (Increased Access to Phychological Services) was brought in a couple of years ago. Most GPs now have several times as many hours of talking therapy (mostly CBT) at their disposal to offer their patients. If you could see a more understanding GP, and explain how long you have been suffering, and the effects it has had etc, I am sure they would offer you some help.

Take care, hope you feel better, try to be kind to yourself :bighug1:
Ros.

[Maj]

Hello Nanny,
I'm so sorry you are feeling so bad. I'm also sorry that you have a gp who sounds a right pain in the a***. They're talking absolute codswallop! Of course there's funding for this. I know you say you hate change but you must get a doctor who will listen and help you. You can't go on feeling like this without the right help. I really feel for you because I know what it's like to be a compulsive worrier. Life is made so much more difficult when you suffer from this, and let's face it, life is difficult enough. The fact you are crying is bad enough. Please please get another doctor who will help you. Please let us know how you are doing.
Myra x:hugs:

[nanny]

Hi Ros

I was thinking of doing that, i am fed up with docs attitude she just seems to think about money all the time.

When i'm feeling really bad, i can see no way out with her being the way she is.
I'll try to make an appointment with another gp, explain how i feel and how long i have been like it, i'll also say i feel no one wants to help so maybe another doc will want to help me.

Thank you x

[Southern_Belle]

Hi Nanny,

At one time I could have written this post myself. I am not agoraphobic or technically depressed just overwhemed with anxiety and have a bit of OCD with housework. I went and saw a Psychotherapist and found out that I was always thinking of what could happen or what did happen but never focused on what was happening. I never lived in the present. I am not saying it is easy and I slide back all the time, in fact right now I'm going through a bad time, but it does make some sense.

I also found an anti-depressant that really worked for me. I must have gone through them all but when you find the one for you it works. I am now not obsessed with having a spotless house, or dreading a phone call from a friend to go out, or cooking the perfect meal. I'm sure you can relate to all I am saying. I was exhausted just from all my worrying not to even say all the cleaning upon cleaning that I did. Forget about going out and having fun.

I also think it would be a good idea to see if you can find a doctor you feel more comfortable with and who will really listen to you. It makes all the difference in the world. You will come out of this because you are very strong. You give fantastic advice to others here and even though you feel down right now I know you will fight this anxiety and with your new doctor's help will be feeling so much better.

Do take care,

Laura

[nanny]

hi laura

Your post made me realise that i DON'T live in the present i have never thought of it in that way before. I'm glad you are having good times now and not worrying so much, perhaps one day i'll say the same.
I do feel exhausted all the time by the worrying and just want it to stop.

The cleaning really gets me down my house is like a palace, not that i want it to be but because i have to clean every little thing!!! it really drives me around the bend.

It's affecting me family wise now, beacause i couldn't help my sister today with something i got very nasty texts off my niece which upset me badly and now there is a rift between my sister, mum and I.
They don't unserstand really what i'm going through and say nasty things about me all the time (my mum and sister) and it's come to a head now.
I want to walk away from them just so i don't get hurt anymore.

I am seriously thinking of going to another GP, I really can't go through this much longer, i haven't felt this bad in a very long time.

Thank you laura, your reply meant a lot to me and made a lot of sense.
:hugs:

[Idstain]

Hi Nanny i am sorry you are having such a bad time :(

i recommend looking into meditation and mindfulness. This is ALL about living in the present moment.

there is an incredibly good book on it which you can buy in hard copy or read online for free here.

http://books.google.com/books?id=UDYWZZYne54C&printsec=frontcover&dq=the+mindfulness+and+acceptance+workbook+for+anx iety&source=bl&ots=jw0xi2ThUT&sig=hA4HeIM0ZJQpG0RTjA9Ve5fDDik&hl=en&ei=bbLES-OUBIOj_gbli6T1DQ&sa=X&oi=book_result&ct=result&resnum=9&ved=0CDcQ6AEwCA#v=onepage&q&f=false

you can also see in this thread i made in december about the proven track record this has vs anxiety and depression.

http://www.nomorepanic.co.uk/showthread.php?t=68784

good luck!

[nanny]

Thank you so much Idstain , i will certainly take a look.

[joannap]

hi nanny

i do think seeing another gp is the way forward. i can identify with what you have said - i was very obessive about housework etc but realised how much stress i was piling on myself with my obsessive behaviour and my worries - i bet if you read back through your post you can see how you are doing the same! now - i realise that having to have my home perfect at all the time was putting such a strain on me but when we tend to stay at home all the time with nothing else to take our attention - we tend to get stuck in a rut. it also sounds like you need to start tackling those negative thoughts - if you can have worry thoughts - you can have positive ones. every time you have a negative/worry thought - replace it with a more realistic/positive one. it also sounds like you need to get out every day - even if its just for a coffee with your husband. i know its difficult when you feel really bad but we cannot expect anxiety to go away/leave us in peace when we give it so much attention - you need to find ways of turning your attention outwards instead of inwards - the better and more confident you start to feel - the more anxiety will lessen its hold on you x

[nanny]

Hi Joannap

Thanks for reply, you make a lot of sense and i agree with all you say, I find it so very hard to think positive i always look at the downside of things. I want to feel different, want to feel happy etc and i will egt there, i'll make myself somehow no matter how long it takes.

I had to go out today to get something, i got to the garage and came back in again, BUT i told myself not to be so stupid and go, so off i went and felt better for it when i got back.
So perhaps little steps like that will help me get my confidence back and start doing more.

So I did do 1 positive thing today.....:)

[C xx]

Just take one small step at a time and be kind to yourself x

[nanny]

Thank you very much
I will certainly try!