Scared, alone and lost :(

[CJA09]

I dont really know where to post this as suffer from many forms of anxiety...I just dont know where to turn and am worried about talking to my family and friends because I dont want to worry them further. I see all the amazing posts on here and hope someone can help me or just tell me i'm not the only one who feels this way...I apologise for rambling...

I have suffered with anxiety, panic attacks and depression since i was 13 and have had to deal with this evil demon all my life, im 27 now. Life has plodded along periods of coping and not coping. Have had theraphy when i was younger and have seeked alternative theraphy too. I have managed to live with the anxiety and had a somewhat normal life, education, jobs, boyfriends, holidays...
As i get older i feel like nothing is getting better. I can cope with the things in my bubble but anything beyond that sends me into full blown panic. I cannot cope with being far from home (i'm 27 and live with my mum and dad and bro, they are my safe people) I cant cope if i cannot get hold of them or know that they are within a short drive to me, I dont like being alone and if i am i need to know my safe people can get back to me quickly. I have a flat that i bought but cannot move into as i dont want to be alone. I have to drive myself everywhere so i can escape and return home if i need to. I suffer with health anxiety and panic at weird feelings, palpitations, racing heart, head aches, etc..
I have been in a relationship for the last 6 months and wonder how and why he is still with me. I make excuses to do certain things, like going out for the day as i dont want to be away from home or my safe people. I go and see him at his house so that i'm in control and can leave if i feel panicked or unwell. I am beginning to talk to him about things and he is being very understanding and kind - but how much can he take! I cant even go on holiday with him!
My brother is about to move out into his own place and its breaking my heart for many reasons but i'm scared i'm losing my 3rd safe person.
I do my own head in, thinkig thinking thinking ALL the time. Running through every little thing i do to be able to do it, safety thoughts... "i can leave like this" "the toilets are ?" " mum and dad are at ?" "its only so far from the house" etc
I'm on escitralapram and have been for about 2 years. I have been on some form of antidepressents since i was 15.
I feel like i'm going crazy and i'm never going to have a happy fulfiling life, will i always feel like this scared little girl that just struggles though the days :weep:
Sorry for the long post and thanks if your still reading, i just dont know what to do, i dont want to be this person anymore!
CJ x

[word_1987]

Hey there CJ :)
Well I just posted something on this site and I'm kinda new to it... so I hope I can be of some sort of help, or have some sort of insight.
But I'll start off apologising if I ramble. I'm 23 and have been very depressed and anxiety ridden since I was 14 or so...
I live at home with my Dad and bro so you could say their my safe people to go to. My mum lives about a mile away but sometime's it's hard for me to leave the house to go and see her. Your not alone in your thoughts, and it's not that your going crazy. I have tried my best to get over these sort of feelings on my own but it's impossible, I have a whole group of friend's who really want to help me but sometimes I get worried I'm going to inflict my problems on them, or they will look at me differently because of the way I am. My mind seems to work overtime and I don't know why, it's really starting to get to me. But I think in a way it's something that you need to deal with one day at a time, and try and have as many safe people as possible, because I know what you mean by them. There's not too many people that will accept you for who you are, no matter what that entails. I'm hoping this helps... and even if it doesn't, you have a bit of insight into my life... :)
Paul xxx