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View Full Version : Why us? (warning: having a pity party)



Hears The Water
15-02-04, 16:32
Do any of y'all wonder with me "why me?" I mean, what is it about people like us that makes us like this? I didn't ask for this, I don't like it and I want it to stop. But yet, here it is. People that don't understand (like my husband) just say "just stop" or "quit being afraid". But it isn't that easy. There are days that I can take it all in stride and know that someday I will be well, but then there are times like right now when I wonder if I will just end up going stark raving mad and die alone and in a stright jacket in some institution. Why is it that some days are worse than others? Why is it that I can have a victory but it seems like right after that I have a big low? Why is it that when I get to the point that one symptom doesn't scare me much anymore, another one will pop up for me to have to deal with. It realy p****s me off when it is one that I thought that I had just conquerd!!! :( I had a councelor once tell me that this is called "leared helplessness" and it is my sub-concious sabatoging my efforts to get well because I have never learned how to succeed in anything. (I have an abusive past) And that it is me switching the symptoms and having the lows after the victories. Do any of y'all agree? Disagree? I can find no other explanation. But then I have a problem with shaming myself (Thanks mom and Dad....NOT) and I wonder if that is what I am doing or if the ups and downs are just the "nature of the beast" of PD. Can anyone tell that I am frustrated? Man!!! I realy hate feeling like this!!! This is one of those times that I am just so tired of fighting and working so hard and I wish, just a tiny bit, that I wasn't even here. Now, don't get me wrong, I am NOT sucicidal just tired. I would not do anything to hurt myself. But I sometimes wish that I could just curl up in a little ball under the covers and go to sleep to wake up later when I was well. But I know that is not how it will be. I just want to be what I term as normal. Not having to battle the fears and bad feelings. Able to go out and enjoy life. Yes, I know that there are other people who are deeper in this thing than I am right now and would love to be where I am at, and I have been lots worse than this. I am just tired and angry and sad and frustrated and I know this is a safe place to vent. Thanks for listening. I welcome ANY input (as long as it is constructive please)
God Bless you and yours
Debbie

Rennie1989
15-02-04, 16:42
debbie

i know, why us, im just a normal school girl and ya just a normal girl/woman. i am always scared when i leave my own home, or just goin ta school.

what syptoms do ya have by the way?

jade

turn that frown
upside down

Hears The Water
15-02-04, 17:09
Hey Jade
For starters, I am a 35 yo mom... just in case you are wondering. I think my oldest daughter is about your age, she is 13 (going on 30)

My symptoms... well that could take a while. The one that has me upset at the moment is the things I described as "mini head rushes" on another post at the symptoms room. I woke up this morning and as soon as I sat up in bed I had one. Bummer. The ones I am currently batteling off and on are: fear of touching things and needing to wipe my hands off all the time, fear of germs, fear of my physical symptoms, the heart palpatations, chest pain, mini head rushes, everything looking odd like a fun house etc etc etc. The list could go on and on.
I had gone to a home-school co-op meeting last week and did realy well with the touching thing but then last night at the grocery store I dropped my wet wash cloth that I use to wipe my hands clean and I had to finish shoopping without it. I used my jacket cuff pulled down over my hands (not a new thing with me) but then right before I left I decided to not mess with it. But then I had a scary thought aobut it and freaked out. There was an odd looking man that kept watching me and I convinced myself that he had "put something" on the roll of plastic bags for the produce. *sigh* man now that I am reading this these sound so lame, but at the time I freaked out. I did make myself stay and pay for the purchaces and I told myself that I was ok, and I am proud for that but the battle wore me out. Thanks for asking Jade. Talking about it makes me feel better.
God Bless you and yours
Debbie

nomorepanic
15-02-04, 20:18
Hi Debbie

Sorry to hear that you are so down at the moment.

I used to say all the time "why me, it isn't fair" and it still isn't! I am so much better than I was many years ago but I still suffer from anxiety and I am still restricted in what I can do.

It is a hard uphill struggle to get over this and just when you think you have, along comes something else to kick you back down. Wouldn't it be nice if there was a miracle cure!! Someone must have one.

I also think that we suffer more from low self-esteem and are constantly questioning our lives and how they are and why we suffer. Does that make sense?

I cannot offer you a cure I can only offer support and advice and I do hope that you can fight back and get your life back on track once more.

Good luck to you and chin up ok?

Nicola

pauline
15-02-04, 21:12
Hi Debbie

What a post i see myself in the way that you are thinking. The "why me" My fella is the same as your hubby thinking what the xxxx is the problem just get over it will ya, what are you some kind of loony not right in the head. What have i got myself involved with here i get all of those things said to me. I also feel pretty low at the moment as i'm sick of it sick of panic why does'nt it go. I do something which i might of been dreading for weeks and then when the day comes i cope and i think right thats it from now on i'm not having panic attacks anymore but yes you guessed it i still have the stupid things and yes i also feel just like you that i want out i'm sick of not being able to just live and not live in this scared way all the time. But it does help knowing that there are so many people out there that suffer to at least we can tell ourselves we are not that mad. You will be fine and you will get through one thing about us lot is we are tough people don't ya think?

Take care
Pauline

pjpriest

diana
16-02-04, 21:14
Hiya Debbie,

Sorry you are feeling down right now, but it is just a minor set back. We all go through them ,it will pass, and yes I bet every single one of us on here asks "WHY ME"? It does seem so unfair that we have to suffer these stupid attacks and face these fears, but I think too that everyone has their cross to bear, I guess this is ours!!!!!!!!!! and hey are`nt we stronger people for having this disorder? I think so. I believe we are only given situations that God knows we can handle :). I know when we are in the trenches of war with these stupid feelings, thoughts symptoms etc. etc. etc. it does`nt feel that way , but I take notice of other people and their situations and I feel that in most unfortunate cases I would not be able to cope with their problem. So I guess we have this disorder for some sort of purpose but yet I do not know why :(. Like mentioned above it is somewhat therapeutic that we have this forum to vent our feelings about this disorder and knowing that we have plenty of mates that share the same issues we have, with us is very helpful to me. Though of course we would not wish this disorder on anyone else, it helps to know we have others that suffer daily and "MAKE" it through everyday. So don`t beat yourself up too much about the "PITY PARTY" we all have our days. Take care and remember we care!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Take care,

Diana xxxx

Hears The Water
17-02-04, 06:59
LOL!!! Well folks, today was not much better, in fact a whole lot more things happend, but I had a better attitude. My neighbor and former freiend called the dog catcher on us twice this morning, after she threatend to shoot my dogs. Then we saw another neighbor watching us with binoculars so we now know who is feeding her the info. Then Johnnie my son thought he had broken his finger and I had to doctor that mess, then my youngest daughter Bailey fell and since she was running behind Johnnie, his heel kicked her in the eye and she was hollering for quite a while about her black eye. Then our husky dog Andy backed into the propane heater and set his tail on fire and my oldest daughter was screaming about that. MAN!!! what a day. [:0] But for some reason I still have a great attitude. I don't know what makes today better than yesterday. I just kept claiming the promise that I am a child of God and none of this stuff was going to get me or my family down. Now that I am the only one awake (it is midnight here) in the house I can sit back and have a good laugh over today. Here's to hoping that tomorrow is better!!!!
God bless you and yours
Debbie

mico
17-02-04, 12:27
Hi Debbie,

I don't know why today is better than yesterday either, it happens to me a lot too.

I think you have to make the most of the good days though. I think all of us at times have days when we feel a lot better so we think we can be lazy and just enjoy that feeling, nothing wrong with that, but we forget about progressing towards our goals. These good days, to me, are good oppurtunities to push yourself a little extra and achieve a little more, much of the time we only do this when we are feeling down and desperate but if you make good use of the good times it will help you a lot.

Yeah, you may well wake up the next day feeling $**£, but it's 2 steps forward 1 step back. It's sometimes hard to see any improvements in the short term, but they come over time, you've just got to keep making them little steps forward whether your feeling good, bad or indifferent.

mico

nomorepanic
17-02-04, 14:38
Debbie

That story bought a smile to my face - wow what a lot to cope with in one day. I hope everyone that got injured is ok and not too badly hurt (including the dog).

Well done to you for surviving all that and no panic - what great news eh? I hope today is less eventful for you!

Nicola

diana
17-02-04, 16:39
Wow Debbie,

What a day ey? My goodness does the excitement ever stop for you????? LOL..........:) I got such a big kick out of your story for the day,(still laughing), but like Nic said I do hope no one is seriously injured and everything is well in your home. Good for you keeping your cool and coping so well. Keep up the good work!!!!!!!!!!! I don`t know how in the world with all of that going on you have a chance to have a good PA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! LOL.......... :) I hope that was`nt too tacky. Just thought I`d through it in there with all the other events. I am sooo glad that you did not freak out and panic, and at least you got a good laugh out of it yourself in the end. Sometimes that is the medicine, a real good laugh at ourselves, works for me LOL........ :) take it easy dear. With day`s like that you could start writing quite an interesting biography. I am on the edge of my seat just waiting to see what today holds for ya. Also keep claiming the promise, what a wonderful thing to have come to mind under all of that stress. I too shall try to remember to start claiming the promise in the midst of despair. Thanks for the reminder :)

Take care dear,

Diana xxxx

Meg
17-02-04, 20:16
Hi Debbie,

4 steps forward and 3 back is a very normal pattern. Its an uphill climb and we need to stop, rest and take stock of just how far we've come regularly.

I'm not sure I agree with your consellor about the learned helplessness thing. I often had a major sucess and then felt I really slipped back soon after and would be devastated but I eventually decided it was just that I'd changed my expectations. At one stage whatever the slip back was would have been a sucess, I just expect more from myself following a success.

As for the ' why me ' I think we all go through that - but occassionally through the stamping of feet and beating fists with tears spare athought for those who stuggle on day after day with MS, Cytsic Fibrosis, chronic arthritis- those who live in constant pain and will never be rid of it.

We can heal over time and lead a normal life- we may always be vunerable but with considerable effort and some internal changes - real progress can be made.

Being tired is always asking for trouble but sleep doesn't come easily to troubled heads so it does seem an even more uphill battle sometimes.




Meg

Watch your thoughts, they become your words...
Watch your words, they become your actions... Watch your actions, they become your habits... Watch your habits, they become your character... Watch your character, it becomes your destiny...

diana
19-02-04, 00:57
Very good post Meg, Very inspiring to make some changes and think of how fortunate compared to others daily problems we really are.

Thanks for that,

Diana xxxxx :)

Laurie28
19-02-04, 11:07
Hiya,

I've been through the why me's but am now 'out of that' stage as it does no good whatsoever.

I agree with meg people have cancer etc and are not going to make it or will be in chronic pain for the rest of their lives, we can get better and we can get better ourselves if need be, what we have is not life threatening but is however very scary and can be life consuming and life changing. DON'T let it change your life - fight back and chellenge these thoughts and fears. it is something I admit to still struggling with at times and do feel sometimes that I have one step forward and then one step backwards but I know I will get there.

Take care
lucky

sadie
19-02-04, 20:30
Hi Debbie

I have to agree what Lucky says...its all about taking 3 steps forward one step back until eventually we feel we can cope no matter what. I too used to feel like 'why me' and 'what have I done that was so bad to suffer like this' etc...

I feel that this is a stage that all us anxiety sufferers go through and then one day we realise that in fact, suffering anxiety was actually a good thing!!!! Yes, I have come to realise that my PA and anxiety have highlighted just how much I took my own health for granted for too long...always rushing, worrying etc. I now after 3.5 years approx, am trying to look after myself much better and enjoy life better through positive thinking and looking after my diet etc.

As Bryan always says...take little steps each day and eventually you will begin to feel stronger and more positive in yourself. You will start to feel 'human' again and will be able to enjoy life.

Take care

sadie

diana
20-02-04, 06:35
Hiya Sadie,

Very good post. Good for you for finding something positive to come out of these awful feelings and thoughts. I know at the moment we are in our PA, or just plain old GA mode it is quite hard to find the positive in something like this, but you are very right in finding the positives in a negative situation. You`ve come a long way baby!!!!!!!!!!!!!! LOL........ :) Keep up the great work.

Take care all,

Diana xxxxx

Laurie28
20-02-04, 10:09
Sadie ,

I totally agree - anxiety/panic makes you stop and look at the way you live - enabling you to make changes in diet/exercise etc that will surely benefit you in the future as well as the present.

It has also helped me be more observant and compassionate to other people I think

Lucky

diana
20-02-04, 14:46
Lucky,

How very true. I am very compassionate toward other people now, and very observant of others. Funny how something we are struggling with can highten our senses for so many other things. I guess like they all say "everything happens for a reason". Maybe this is something we needed to appreciate others and not take things for granted. Who knows ey?

Take care all,

Diana xxxxx

Laurie28
23-02-04, 15:30
yeah Diana,

Maybe everyone needs a good bout of anxiety to be a nicer person!!!!!

Although I wouldn't wish it on anyone

Lucky

diana
25-02-04, 05:53
Me niether Lucky, but I guess things could be worst huh? Hope you are having a good day today :).

Take care,

Diana xxxx