View Full Version : Non-acceptance but given up!
xBettyBoopx
15-04-10, 13:09
My life story is long and arduous so I won't go into it, but the last 8 months has been absolute HELL for more than one reason. I haven't accepted my 'lot' in life but have given up. I used to come on here a lot and try to help or reassure people but I've even given up on that - Sorry!! How can someone who is still suffering fear after all these years possibly reassure someone?!
I still get fear attacks but a lot of my problems are depression and grief. I cannot get over losing my beloved cat over 8 months ago and I know it's because I have no life, I merely exist.
I'm not looking for answers because there are none. I feel exhausted from trying to just make it through the day with horrible feelings and thoughts. I feel my body will just give up one of these days and as long as it's in my sleep and I don't suffer anymore, I'm not bothered. I always believed even 30 years back that I would get well, but it has got worse over the years and I'm tired of it.
I just needed to let someone know how I feel:shrug:
Thanks for reading if you did.
Els
:hugs:hi elspeth - im really sorry you feel so low at the moment - i dont know that much about you so forgive me if im wrong - but you say you only exist? are you basically alone? if you have had a hard time of it and you struggle with anxiety and depression, then life is an almost permanent struggle - and coping with that you should be very very proud of yourself - i know that that wont in itself acheive anything - i mean feeling good about yourself, when you still dont feel you can do anything to change your life, wont sort out all your problems, but its a good start?
i know that depression makes life painful and also stops us from searching out ways or doing things to help ourselves feel better - i mean life can be hard and lonely, but it is possible to find times of peace and happiness even when things are not good. i would never have believed this until i started to meditate 2 years ago - but now although my life is not how i would like it to be - i am okay. this meditation isnt taught by some person you wouldnt be able to relate to - its taught by a doctor and scientist, who is also a meditation teacher. i have suffered with depression onand off for 24 years - and this has been the only thing that has brought me any peace even when times are bad - please look into it elspeth it could really help? the guys name is jon kabat zinn - you can go to his own site or you can google him and see what comes up - what harm can it do?
i care that you are feeling bad and i care that you contribute to this site - emma xxxxxxxx
wotcanisay
15-04-10, 18:13
My life story is long and arduous so I won't go into it, but the last 8 months has been absolute HELL for more than one reason. I haven't accepted my 'lot' in life but have given up. I used to come on here a lot and try to help or reassure people but I've even given up on that - Sorry!! How can someone who is still suffering fear after all these years possibly reassure someone?!
I still get fear attacks but a lot of my problems are depression and grief. I cannot get over losing my beloved cat over 8 months ago and I know it's because I have no life, I merely exist.
I'm not looking for answers because there are none. I feel exhausted from trying to just make it through the day with horrible feelings and thoughts. I feel my body will just give up one of these days and as long as it's in my sleep and I don't suffer anymore, I'm not bothered. I always believed even 30 years back that I would get well, but it has got worse over the years and I'm tired of it.
I just needed to let someone know how I feel:shrug:
Thanks for reading if you did.
Els
i know how u feeling
i still miss my dog i had to have put down 13 mouths ago
i know how it feel's worrying and looking for things
but remember this, people do care
ElizabethJane
15-04-10, 18:46
I'm sorry that you are feeling low Elspeth. I have suffered from severe depression on and off for most of my adult life. I am now forty eight. I believe that you still have the capacity to be well and to lead a good and fulfilling life. I know that you have a 'faith'
and are agoraphobic and have been ill for a long time. I used to feel that I would never be well so I used to pretend that I was 'well' till eventually I became 'well' again. This wasn't without struggle and extreme effort on my part. I have been hospitalised in the past and have had years of therapy including drug therapy and I willbe one some sort of drug for life. Maybe you need to stop struggling and just 'be' for a while until you decide which path is the best for you to take. You will need support on this journey but I know from my own experience that it will be a worthwhile one.
hi els
i think you are being too hard on yourself saying that you should not reassure others when we cannot do it ourselves because we ARE good friends to everyone BUT oursleves - and therein lies the answer - we need to be kind to ourselves.
so sorry to hear about your cat - my advice would be to rehome a little kitten or cat from a shelter that is in need of love - there are so many unwanted pets out there and it will give you a focus and routine in your life. i lost 4 cats to road accidents - the last one - it happened in front of me but i have four dogs and 2 birds - some of which are rescues. do not be cruel to yourself and deny yourself the love you would get from another cat - it is what your cat would want you to do x
sorry - my point regarding having lost my cats was that - it was incredibly traumatic and i still feel very sad about them but you will heal and the best way of healing is to share your love with another pet who is looking for love x
ElizabethJane
15-04-10, 22:48
Dear Elspeth I'm nutty about cats too. My latest is called 'Phoebe' and my dear hubs calls her my daemon because she follows me everywhere (see Golden Compass) I had a brilliant cat called Stanley. He was very intelligent. He could open doors and even sat up at the table to eat his Christmas dinner! I hope this cheers you up.
:)the worst thing i have had to face in life is that there is no support for me - i dont know if that is the same for you? - but through therapy and mindfulness meditation i have been able to 'see' that the way we think really does have a massive impact on our mental state and physical health - i have had to let go of all thoughts of wanting to be cared for or loved or cherished or whatever - it still breaks my heart to see others being cared for - but the bottom line is this for me - i have to care about myself, even if no-one else does! - i had to stop listening to the thoughts in my head that said that if no-one cares or goes out of their way for me or supports me then im useless and unloveable - i have had to accept since the death of my mum 17 years ago that i am on my own -even when im not actually on my own i still am as no-one i know even remotely understands how ive felt for most of my life, and it isnt in my mind - everyone i know takes and is mainly concerned with themselves - they havent been touched by anything that has changed them, or they arent very sensitive/caring to begin with, and they dont understand how it feel to be anxious and sad for most of the time. if i ever want anything doing i have to ask, and when ive been at my worst no-one has even noticed!:weep:
what im trying to say is that actually you may not have anyone who cares and you may well be on your own like i am - but you can still carry on - you can take very good care of yourself and you can flourish and grow and be all the things you think you cant:hugs:xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx sorry also about your cat - i have 2 dogs and i dont know how id feel if they werent here, but i can imagine - its a good idea to re-home another pet?
xBettyBoopx
17-04-10, 15:11
Thank you Emma, ElizabethJane, Joannap and wotcanisay for your replies.
Emma - yes I live on my own and am alone in all other ways. Honestly Emma, I have tried everything over many years to change my life, because I know that doing the same old things will bring the same old results, but nothing seems to help. I've been turned down for CBT, I was also supposed to be seeing a counsellor who kept postponing appointments, then told me that he's only allowed to see someone 3 times!!! It's all a big joke!! It's not like I sit on my a*** all day feeling sorry for myself, the only help I get is medication. I was given a list of people who could maybe help but it costs and I have none as I am on incap benefit. So he said 'Mind' had a wait for it..............60 week waiting list!!!!!!!!!!!! I am 52 Emma, and know when I'm beat:mad::mad:
There is so much suffering in the world, it sickens me:weep:
Anyway, thanks again for replies and for caring. Take care all.
Love
Els
xxx
You r only Beat when you give up Elspeth ...Even if you do have to wait a long time for an appointment with Mind ,its still something to strive for .The world is full of suffering ,but its also full of wonderful things and places .People youve never met, and things to do youve only ever thought about .Life is a gift and is worth fighting for .. Do it for you ...You deserve much more ...Take care LUV Sue x:hugs::hugs:
Elspeth, I'm really sorry you're feeling like this. I know what it is to lose a cat and the world can seem a poor place afterwards,
There's a book called "Joy in a Woolly Coat" which may help. I think it was published by H J Kramer in America a while back. It's mainly about losing a dog IIRC but may have something about cats too.
(Edit, it was and here it is;)
http://www.amazon.com/Joy-Woolly-Coat-Letting-Treasured/dp/0915811081
Hope you feel better soon lovie.
Graham .
you don't need to see a cbt therapist to start putting cbt into practice. i had some sessions of this many years ago but can see now that i did not put the hard work in outside of the appointments!
basically - our thoughts affect our feelings so every time you say things like - i will never feel better, this is awful, my life is terrible, at 52 there is no hope for me (by the way 52 is not old!) - you are only making yourself feel worse - we do not ask for anxiety/depression BUT we do have to take responsibility for how we are dealing with it and to be honest - and i don;t mean to sound harsh here - most people do not want to put in the hard work (or do not know where to start) to start healing/helping themselves. i have been through some terrible patches in my life but i say - right - this is where i am in the present and i want my future to be different!
my light bulb moment came a month ago - i have been seriously anxious and depressed for 15 years (and before that i can see how it affected me all through childhood/teenage years) and i was having yet another mini breakdown - crying all day, fear so bad i shook, couldn;t sleep/eat etc, lost 1/2 a stone in a few weeks, suffering horrible intrusive thoughts etc and i thought - right - this is it - i have allowed this to dominate my life but no more! i will completely accept how i feel but i will work with it and do all i can to help myself.
EVERY single time i had a negative or fearful thought such as - i am never going to get better, i will have to change medication (am down to 10mg ssri), why is this happening to me, i feel so terrible - i turned it into a positive one such as - i feel bad now but i will feel better in time, i can cope with this - it is just my bodys way of saying i am not being kind to it etc and within 2 weeks - i am starting to have days where i feel HAPPY! I still have some way to go but i am on the road to recovery but i would not have been if i had not accepted responsibility for dealing with my condition.
If you could only realise how your own way of thinking is keeping you mired in how you feel - you would start to see improvements - perhaps not for a while but they would come.
It is also important to keep yourself occupied - most non anxiety/depression sufferers would get bored/fed up if they were not at work/socialising/being busy etc. At my worst - i still managed to get the spare room decorated and i felt terrible so it can be done.
the only person giving up on yourself is you - when you start listening into your thoughts - i can guarantee it will shock you how nasty you are to yourself - would we talk to our best friends in the same way - NO! you need to alter every negative thought starting from today (if you can think negative you can think positive - it is only a habit that can be broken) and you need to start being kind to yourself. i notice you did not give an answer regarding getting another pet? Could this be a way that you are being unkind to yourself by not doing so? We really do need to shine a light on ourselves to see how we can be our own worst enemies!
Veronica H
18-04-10, 14:25
:bighug1::bighug1:thinking of you Elspeth. I hope you are felling a bit brighter today.
Veronicax
Hello Elspeth,
I have read a number of your posts since I have been a member, and have always found them to be helpful and comforting; every one of us here has suffered, and it is because of that we have a particular insight, and are able to give valuable support to each other. I also admire your posts because they are so honest and open, which often strikes a chord with me. Please don't give up, because life can change, and you must always hang on to that hope.
Loneliness is an extremely difficult thing to contend with, it can be crippling at times, but it is important to continue to reach out to others, so that some connection can be made.
The sense of loss and grief you have over your cat will become easier to cope with as time passes, and there will come a time when you will be able to look back with fond memories without overwhelming sorrow.
I do feel for you Elspeth, and I wish there was something I could do to help. Please do pm me anytime - I would be happy to chat anytime. :hugs:
Hi Elspeth
I am truly sorry that you are feeling so very down but I can totally relate, only half an hour ago I could hear myself saying the same words, what is the point in me?
I have had to wait over a year for my therapy.. it has been the worse year of my life and I have had to deal with so much, cancer scare, losing friends, relationship breakdown, my cat Guz who I had owned since she was just 2 days old died, she had been my baby I'd syringe fed her and had to assist her going to the toilet just as her mum should have done, but I held her as she fell to sleep in my arms and held back my own grief.. failed suicide attempts, self harming and self loathing...
I have a partner and a daughter who live with me and family a train ride away.. and Elspeth I am soo lonely it is really untrue.. I am a prisoner in my own home and mind and when I am taking a downward spiral it feels that those I give so much love to turn and get angry and they leave me to suffer my pain alone..so believe me it isn't about having people there.. If they don't want to understand what you are going through they won't.
I talk more openly on here than I do anywhere and I look to people who are going through the same and understand. I don't know the point to us but I also get angry that I've so much to offer and there are truly wicked people out there and they are allowed to live..
I want to feel free in my mind and body and normal again.. I don't know whether it will be but all I do know is that part of me wants to go and put an end to my pain and another part of me says god this therapy is just 2 months away please hold on...
Find that fight in you again... it is there under the hurt and so are you Elspeth you have friends on here and I am always happy to email and write to you ... the sun is out and yesterday I managed to open the curtains to the door and the world today they are tightly shut.. I read a post on here earlier talking of masks.. I let mine slip too and I've hurt so much this last few years I was able to get myself through most things prior to that .. and sometimes I really was truly happy ... I love to laugh but it is lost for a while but i do so hope that I find it again and Elspeth I truly hope you will too.. The biggest hugs and reassurances to you lady cos you are stronger than you believe but you are hurting right now and you have every right to feel that sometimes.. but please what is another year .. you are a babe still at 52 ... I'm not that far behind you girlie honest...
x
:hugs:hi elspeth, let us be here for you - im lonely and i struggle constantly with what life has thrown at me - so we would prob have alot in common? - i know th efeeling of being beaten and the feeling that you are never ever going to get to a place of peace - i feel that most days. i do have a daughter so im not sure if that makes things easier - sometimes she is my reason for getting through the day - so i can imagine how hard it is when you dont have that motivation - why is it so hard to live just for ourselves - its obvioulsy depression that makes us feel like this - which as we all know is a horrible real illness - can you ge tmore support an dhelp from your gp - i know how bad services for ppl wiht mental health are and i know how upsetting it is to be put on a very long waiting list -it just makes you feel worse - like no-one cares at all.
but all of the ppl who have replied, do care:hugs: please let us support and help you through this tough time, im always here - feel free to pm me, dont worry about what you say - i want to help you if i can, it doesnt matter what you say - i know when you feel like this you almost have nothing to say except to talk about how bad you feel - thats okay:hugs:
just want to say, how i totally relate to joannap's post, through having the reality of how damaging negative thinking is pointed out to me, i too was shocked and amazed at how horrible i was to myself - and for what? id never done anything to harm anyone. but i treated myself like i was scum! - i have also made massive improvements in my frame of mind since i tackled this problem - and yes it does take time to reverse this very nasty habit -you have to work at it constantly - even a slight dip in mood can get you at it again - which is why i have resorted to daily mindfulness meditation practice - you have to be aware to catch these thoughts.
i think that mindfulness is th eway to go for ppl who are lonely and depressed - because you cant always change things as they are right now - but mindfulness meditation is a way of coping with how you feel. all my thoughts are with you elspeth - dont hesitate to get in touch xxxxx:hugs:
xBettyBoopx
19-04-10, 22:39
Thank you so much to Suzy, Graham, Joan, Veronica, Sharon and Emma for you very kind replies.
Thank you Rosie for saying that my replies have been somewhat comforting, it makes me feel not so useless.:hugs:
Sharon I am so sorry that you have been through so much, I am sorry that we all have to go through problems pain and struggles, we are on this earth for such a short time!:hugs:
Emma I am sorry that you are going through the loneliness too and are struggling:hugs:
I am very grateful to you all for letting me know that you care:hugs:
Love
Els
xxx
Elspeth you have been through so much in your life but I can also see how you have used your experiences to support so many others on here and thats an unique gift that you use very wisely and with such kindness to so many. I know you have helped me without knowing it...So just let me say thanks for all that you have done for me via your posts :-)
:hugs:hi elspeth, well i have been anxious since i was a child - although my childhood was okay, i think for someone like me it could have been better - you know nature v nurture and all that?
anxiety really affected me when i was 14 and i had to have 6 months off school - ive always struggled with friendships and socialising, so tha thas caused problems for me - then my mum got sick and died when i was 20 - and although i lived with a friend for 18 months - i was destroyed, and there was no-one there to pick up the pieces - so ive since had bouts of crippling depression and anxiety, and have struggled with being in relationships with ppl who just dont understand or dont care - and on top of that ive had a child that i am responsible for - responsible for giving her a better start than i had - and that really weighs heavily on me, as i cope with my own issues and feelings. phew, so thats me in a nutshell elspeth - i am not what you would call carefree:blush:
but over the years i have come to understand myself and to care about myself and to give myself a break - which has helped me no end, because being down on myself just got me nowhere and it was sooooo unfair, lots of hugs to you, i hope they help in your struggle:hugs:
Elspeth, I remember your posts last year about losing your cat. They broke my heart because I too lost Arnie, one of my beloved cats, and knew exactly what you were/are going through. We had to make a decision there and then in the vets waiting room and then suffer the trauma of seeing the vet put her to sleep. I was devastated, and this led me to getting panic attacks and agoraphobia. I think I may have posted a reply saying that my husband constantly said that Arnie would be back, that she would find us again somehow when we least expected it. It's what many people believe, although when you are consumed with grief I know nothing anyone says can make you feel better. I hoped it was true but deep down didn't really believe it. Well, 7 months after losing Arnie, we happened to take some food to a cat sanctuary and there was a 4 month kitten there which had just been taken in. She had been hanging around someone's home for a few nights during a week of torrential rain.The woman took her in, and put up "Found" posters but as no-one responded she took her to the rescue sanctuary. She was kept separate from the other cats at the sanctuary (prob because she was a pest!). We hadn't planned on getting another cat at that stage (we already had 2 others, and a dog), but as soon as we saw her we knew we had to have her. She is a totally different colour to Arnie, but has so many of her characteristics (cat owners will know they each have their own distinctive ones) we truly believe that Arnie came back as this kitten (this is nothing to do with believing in reincarnation etc). It just all happened when we least expected it, she happened to have been taken to the sanctuary the week we went there, she was a stray but no-one claimed her or put up "lost" posters, it was as if she just appeared from no-where, for us. Over the coming months she displayed more and more of Arnie's little ways, and we believe Arnie has finally found us again. This time last year I was consumed with grief and never believed I would ever get over it. Little did I know 6 months later we would have this little person in our lives who, even if she isn't Arnie, has been sent to us by Arnie to look after and love as we did her. Elspeth, I know how much you are hurting, and even if you don't believe that your cat will return to you again, (even in a different shape, colour or size) I hope my story has given you a little bit of hope. Always have hope in your heart, there will always be other little people needing love, which you obviously have so much to give, and I truly believe that one of them will come into your life when you least expect it. Hang on in there becasue they will need you to be there for them. Your cat will be so happy for you when it happens. Take care x
hi emmas
just wanted to return the favour and confirm that what you said re negative thinking is so true. it is something you have to keep up with constantly - i find that a bit of a tired/stressful day - my thought patterns revert to negative although i am getting quicker at spotting this - it only happens for a few hours rather than days! if you keep at it though - you really do start to notice a definite improvement of mood and the positive thoughts actually come before the negatives!
:hugs:hi, i was wondering how elspeth is feeling now? i dont know if anyone is in contact with her, or if shes coming on-line and just looking - but i felt very alone today - and i thought about you elspeth and how you were feeling - hopefully better?:hugs:
hey joannap - the whole negative thought thing is what causes depression - ppl dont realise that,-they think it must be something wrong with the brain -, but its not at first -sad events, or things going wrong or hard times themselves dont actually cause it, but what we say to ourselves does - its so sad - because then when you get so sick with depression you cant see fact from fiction anymore - like when your well if someone shows you a list of the things depressed ppl say to themselves you cant believe that you could say that to yourself - its just so unbalanced and unfair - but when you are ill with it, this is how we speak to ourselves minute by minute.
it is a terrible unseen illness - and i hate it myself and i am determined to do everything in my power to stay aware of this kind of thinking because it only takes a few days and bang! your back where you were:weep::lac:
very true! it has only taken me 5 weeks with acceptance and positive thinking to bring me back from a setback that felt so awful i would have usually gone back to the doctors. i am still on my 10mg ssri but i did not take any meds apart from the odd beta blocker and improvements have been dramatic - for the last week i have had zilch anxiety/depression. looking back over the past few days - i was aware i was starting to get stressed/worried about work etc and then i kind of let things get on top of me and instead of calming down i get busier and busier. the "crash" came yesterday when i was sat in the garden with my mum - i kept hearing what i thought was a snatch of music and before i knew it i was in a panic attack (hearing things is a fear of mine) because i could not tell if it was my own brain - until doh! - i realised it was mums answering machine! i know it sounds a silly thing to be frightened of but it made me realise that i had got myself stressed out again and this is why it got blown out of proportion. i know feel as thought my hearing is on red alert and my ears are ringing/painful but i know a return to positive thinking and acceptance will do the trick.
i completely agree with you about how we develop this way of self talk. i have had some very traumatic times in my life and we obviously start to think negatively about these but the pattern continues even when things are better. i cannot describe how shocked i was when i realised how i talk to myself and my turning point came when i thought no more! and started to take responsibility for my thoughts and the way i live my life.
can i ask if you are on any meds? i am going to wean myself off my 10mg because i have proved a set back can be overcome by my own efforts x
ps - sorry - did not mean to hi jack elspeths post. i hope she is ok soon and we get a reply to the thread x
xBettyBoopx
22-04-10, 18:05
Hi
Yes I am here:)
It is so kind of you to take the time to respond. Don't worry about hijacking my post, lol:winks:
I have been feeling slightly better of depression the last couple of days, so I pray it keeps up. I think it's because I have been going for little walks, the weather has been so sunny here lately.
How is everyone feeling? I hope you are all on the road to recovery.
Will do a longer post later. But want you all to know how grateful I am that you are here for me and thank you again.
Love
Els
xxxx
Elspeth, I was so moved by what you have said.
I am 60 and still cant seem to get my life on track...I feel beat too. I want to say so many positive things to you, I want to believe them. Here I sit feeling similar feelings.
I lost a cat some years ago - he had been my Dad's cat and i took him on when my dad died so there was some background of loss there. Anyhow when he died, I just could not get over it, even now years later I feel very sad to think of him.
But Elspeth...even though I do feel out of ideas for me, and a giving up or giving in... I also know that there must be a way through...there has to be. never give up hope Elspeth
I think maybe you are a sensitive soul who is very affected by the things that happen in life. I know this for me has been my gift and my curse.
I want to send you a big hug and hope today is a little better for you
I wish there was a place for all the lonely people to meet and help each other. You can be married and lonely if you are with the wrong person.
:hugs:hugs to elspeth and all - im so glad to hear you are feeling a little better elspethxxxxxx we are here for you - if you want to talk? even if you feel that your problems are insurmountable, its still nice to talk to like-minded ppl - even if we cant actually help, we can be there and listen to you, and acknowledge how you feel and wha thas happened to you:hugs:
typer, you are so right abouot being lonely in the wrong marriage - i have had a very hard time in my relationship, as ive got stronger and wanted more for myself and demanded more respect my relationship has really taken a nosedive - well i say relationship - thats not the problem - my other half is th eproblem - i wont take responsibilty for something thats not my issue.
joannap - i dont take meds - unless its the occasional use of zoplicone (sleeping tablet) - but i have taken them in th epast and i wouldnt rule them out now - as we all know depression is and illness and sometimes we cant do it alone without meds - but since ive used mindfulness ive been dealing okay with my stress etc - mainly caused by other ppl - i have ppl stress - i think others do too on here - some lucky ppl dont, but lots of us do - and my way of dealing with it is to be mindful, and to practice mindfulness meditation daily.
ive come to the conclusion that for me other ppl are my main source of upset and distress - im not talking about ppl being too busy to talk or someone not behaving a certain way that isnt to my liking - im talking about nasty, sel-centred ppl who have no insight and take no responsibilty for their own actions and behaviour - when we as reasonable, sensitive, aware, caring ,giving, sharing ppl come up against this type of person its easy to become dominated by them and to believe that we with our depression and anxiety are the problem - when infact we arent and our 'issues' are being used against us, to excuse others underhanded and deceitful behaviour!
:blush:where did all that come from, i hear you ask - sorry, but as you can see i have some anger towards ppl who have treated me badly and let me beleive that i am the casue of all problems - basically keeping me down while im already down - my point is that depressed ppl are easy to manipulate and bully - so my advice to anyone is to try everything and anyhting to be depression free - so you can problem solve again - becasue this is key - being depression free wont stop lifes problems and concerns, bu tyou will be able to see ways to deal with them - you will see clearly which way to go - a know some ppl lives may not seem positive compared to others, but i believe that no matter how bad things are, we are strong enough to cope with it and to find ways of feeling at peace within it - becasue i am proof of it - the feelings dont go, but you can have a different relationship to your feelings and you can find strehgth inside that you never even could imagine you had!:hugs:
yes! yes! yes! all my breakdowns have been initiated by people stress in work situations and i cannot agree more. when you are someone who is very aware of other people's feelings and is generally nice all the time - leaving their own issues at home - i always found it unbelievable how other people could be so awful. i used to work at a charity shop and headed a team of volunteers - a few of them were absolute b**ches and i got so stressed out how they behaved towards me i left. A few years ago i worked at the local post office run by a husband and wife. The other member of staff was lovely - we got on like a house on fire but the wife was really nice to me one minute - then treating me like dirt the next and because i am not like that - i found it really hard to deal with and instead of saying something - i found myself obsessing if i was being too sensitive! things did come to a head over my pay/bonus and i left under a cloud but did write them a letter saying i had felt bullied.
i am someone who tries to keep away from other people now! i have a large family and find i am more than happy to spend time with them, my husband and my one best friend i have known since i was 11.
elspeth - so pleased you are feeling a little better and have been out and about in the sunshine x
ve come to the conclusion that for me other ppl are my main source of upset and distress - im not talking about ppl being too busy to talk or someone not behaving a certain way that isnt to my liking - im talking about nasty, sel-centred ppl who have no insight and take no responsibilty for their own actions and behaviour - when we as reasonable, sensitive, aware, caring ,giving, sharing ppl come up against this type of person its easy to become dominated by them and to believe that we with our depression and anxiety are the problem - when infact we arent and our 'issues' are being used against us, to excuse others underhanded and deceitful behaviour!
where did all that come from, i hear you ask - sorry, but as you can see i have some anger towards ppl who have treated me badly and let me beleive that i am the casue of all problems - basically keeping me down while im already down - my point is that depressed ppl are easy to manipulate and bully - so my advice to anyone is to try everything and anyhting to be depression free - so you can problem solve again - becasue this is key - being depression free wont stop lifes problems and concerns, bu tyou will be able to see ways to deal with them - you will see clearly which way to go - a know some ppl lives may not seem positive compared to others, but i believe that no matter how bad things are, we are strong enough to cope with it and to find ways of feeling at peace within it - becasue i am proof of it - the feelings dont go, but you can have a different relationship to your feelings and you can find strehgth inside that you never even could imagine you had!
I could have written that myself. I could also reel off some tales...
I do think there are some very unkind people on this world, even those who call themselves friends. These people use your weakness against you and to make themselves feel superior. I have recently decided that I have attracted the worng kind of people...but at almost 60, its hard to start out again
oh dear, I feel like i have kidnapped this thread a little
I've not been on here for a while, but I just wanted to give you a hug Els :hugs: I think you sound lovely and I hope things get better for you. I agree, the better weather does help xx
Hi Elspeth :hugs:
Sorry you have been feeling so low of late, but I am pleased that you are feeling a bit better now. You have had a tough year of it really haven't you.
How is Sassy doing? I have kind of adopted our little stray now, she comes in most days and stays in some nights too. I have decided to call her Ellie...seems to suit her, but she still only responds to "puss puss".
If you have a phone and feel like a chat pm your No. and I will give you a call one evening. Or, if you prefer, pm me for a chat.
Are you getting out and about in your car?
Hope you keep improving, take care,
Love
Sue :bighug1:
:hugs:hugs to elspeth - hope you are still here listening to our ramblings?:blush: i do keep thinking about you and wondering how you are feeling now? - to joannap and typer - from what ive worked out over the years - other ppl just dont spend that much time beating themselves up - im saying that i wont take resposibility for anyone else anymore and i will forgive myself if i ever behave in a manner that at one time would have me judging myself - i forgive myself and so inturn i become more forgiving - we are human and everyone else is human - its like - awareness through practising mindfulness meditation has helped me to find the real me - the me that can be all different things, but who allows me to make mistakes and to be human - thats what caused my probs, i judged myself - like we judge everything.
its very complicated and i could talk about it all day - im not sure im making sense - but i know i dont feel frightened anymore and i dont hate myself anymore - things still happen, ppl still misbehave but i relate differently to them now - for anyone who is interested to try it out for themselves and see if it can make a difference to them - its called mindfulness meditation and its taught by a guy called jon kabat zinn - you can get his material off amazon - it isnt weirdy beardy stuff - its all very straight forward and deeply positve and healing towards ourselves - pls give it a go:yesyes:
xBettyBoopx
25-04-10, 18:07
Hi everyone
Well I seem to swing from deep depression to anxiety. I have always had a heart issue since I was a kid, but last couple of days, heart has been erratic. Woke up this morning with it, was breathing quickly and heart was doing 110bpm and it took couple of hours to calm down! If I woke up with it then it wasn't anxiety and I either have to go to drs and face what's wrong with me or try not to worry about it:ohmy::blush: I've had the racing heart for no apparent reason since March of last year. It got considerably better when I gave up smoking in September but it's really bad again now.
Sorry that I had a little good news, now it's friggin bad again.
I'm sorry that you all have your sufferings and problems, I wish we could all get better.:yesyes::winks:
Thank you for all your replies and thinking of me.
Sue, I will pm you.
Love
Els
xxx
:)hi elspeth - well done for quitting smoking!!!! although i suppose sometimes giving up things that are bad for us seems pointless - whats the point being miserable just to live longer!:winks: but seriously i smoked for years and i know its tough to stop - i just went off them after i had my daughter, so i cant really claim any credit. but i did start again years later due to stress, but i stopped again - i think its because we dont have a big family, my daughter is an only child and i watched my mum die of cancer (she never smoked), and i dont want to put my daughter through that - i still worry ill get it anyway, because my mum did.
your heart problem - have you had it diagnosed as something other than anxiety - im only saying this as i know my heart has felt like its been crazy all of the years ive suffered - ive always had a racing heart - even at the least bit of nerves or excitement i feel my heart pounding - and through prolonged phases of anx and depression i am permanently aware of it. do get to the doctors though - but i hope it isnt anything to worry about.
hope you post soon - take care, emma :hugs:
xBettyBoopx
25-04-10, 19:58
Hi Emma
No I haven't been diagnosed with anything wrong with me heart, but I know what anxiety heart racing is, and this isn't like that + like I said I woke up with it.
Thanks for the congrats on giving up smoking, I never knew I was going to do it, I had smoked for 37 years!! Like you said though, what's the point lol! I know why I gave up but sometimes it seems like I've been more ill since, I thought things were gonna get better.
I'm sorry about your mum, and that you think you're going to get it. The strange thing is I don't have cancer phobia!! I am all about the lungs and heart!! Respitory and cardiac neurosis apparentley:blush::shrug: Only God knows why I ever smoked!!! I miss it..................aaaarrrrrgggghhhh LOL:doh: I've put on some weight but I'm trying to diet and exercise to get rid of it.
Take care
Love
Els
xxx
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