View Full Version : Hello. A long introduction
hello everyone, my name is Ross and I'm a 38 year old composer. I pitch for advertising music and television title sequences. I get just enough to pay the rent.
Well, I'm going to talk about my problems - and what I'm doing about them - and what I want from life. It'll take some time because It's hard to see the screen through my tears.
I've hidden all my life from people and social occasions including picnics, parties, cinema, weddings, clubs, and anywhere that I can't get home from quickly If I need to. I am the best at getting out of social events - even if it means saying I'm going somewhere and just not turning up or saying I went there on the wrong day etc. I'm also quite good at saying I'm not going before I've even heard where I've been invited to. My previous girlfriends have tried to help but I (nearly) always win and they appear to be single. I can't answer the phone or call my friends - the few that I have left.
I recently found this wonderful site after going to see Patrick Olszowski's "a Walk Through Fear in Pictures and Words" at the gallery@oxo Oxo Tower Wharf in London and I've read many posts.
I'm proud to say that I went to the gallery on my own. While I was there the photographer was being interviewed by a radio station and I overheard him saying that he went for cognitive behavioral tharapy to learn some life skills and it really helped him with his panic attacks. After the interview I nearly told him that I liked his photos but my throat tightened and tears began to swell and I had to leave. I need to learn some life skills - that's all. I know I'm a nice, caring, amusing, intelligent person (sometimes). I also know that my frustration can overflow into my relationships with people and I can find myself having strange arguments where I cannot let it go. I also take every opportunity to tell people how bad my life is. I have many bad memes that need to be challenged.
I went to my doctor and handed him a long list of my problems which he read while i cried. I asked for antidepressants and therapy. He gave me the drugs which I took for 4 days before phoning him in a panic. They made me feel like I was permanently on extacy and they stopped me sleeping. He told me to stop taking them and I'm pretty sure now that antidepressants are not what I need. I've tried all the (illegal) drugs in my past - it's one of the many downsides of the music business. Last year I got a little bit into cocaine, mainly because my writing partner has taken it for years - you eventually get drawn in. This did not help my relationship with my girlfriend. We have stopped now since new year - we are more productive and I can almost guarantee that we won't go back there again. It nearly ruined the business.
I take very small amounts of cannabis mixed with tobacco. I don't smoke cigarettes and I think that I do it for the nicotine. Even these small amounts of cannabis are bad for my head. It makes me 10 times worse and I must give up. I've told my doctor and he will help.
I drink 2 pints of beer a day and I have to say that beer appears to help me. It certainly makes me feel better especially if I'm with someone. I would say that for me it is an antidepressive. I can laugh and tell jokes and relax. I do go to the pub on my own if no one is around where I drink and read. It's a bit sad I suppose but I figure that at least I get out of the house. Then again I never spark up conversations with people and when I see those other (probably) sad old men who always drink on their own, I imagine that I will become one if I'm not one already. I change the pub each time so that it doesn't appear that I'm nearly always alone. I can see that alcohol is a crutch but it's also what the English do - isn't it?
And so to the catalyst for my push for betterment - I've recently been dumped again (the day before new years eve) after a 3 year relationship - she was a fantastic woman and she deserved better and I wish her luck. She said she felt like a crutch. I sent emails doing the usual pleading (and understanding)
Rennie1989
15-02-04, 19:57
Hi ross, welcome to the site
i hadnt got the time to read ya intro (i will when i have the time, honest) and i was just sayin, welcome
how ya copin with panic attacks now
jade
turn that frown
upside down
hi ross,
welcome,you will feel at home here,as everyone is friendly,and supportive of each other.
its obvious your an emotional chap,wearing your heart,on your sleeve,which is not a bad thing,as it releases the stress,instead of building it up,its also good for your music,as you put so much feeling into it.
living in central london,which is like a concrete jungle,cant be great for the nervous system,but you seem to be handling it really well,you went to the art theatre on your own,thats better than a lot of people can manage...thats a positive step!
your managing to make a go of your business...thats a positive step.
youve accepted the breakup of your relationship,without being bitter...thats a positive step!
youve just had a really good week,answering the phone,surprising yourself by doing things,that normally bother you...thats a positive step!
and now youve found us...a very positive step!...keep posting,the good days,the bad days,keep a daily journal..write everything down,and in a few months,you can look back,and see just how much,your life has improved.......best wishes..bryan.
Hiya Ross,
Glad to see that you have found this site and have taken a big step in posting your experiences.
The single thing that jumped out at me from your post was your very low self esteem.
I also feel that if I could overcome my self esteem issues then a lot of other things, related to the panicking, would fall into place, and recovery would be a lot easier.
Hiding from events like parties etc are a very common effect of anxiety and panic. As you say, you become an expert on avoidance.
It has taken me some 20 years to finally stop making excuses when I didn't want to attend such events.
I don't go into all the in's and out's of my exact feelings. I just explain that I suffer from panic and that, at present, I'm unable to visit certain places, but I hope to be able to do so in the not so distant future.
I find it such a relief not to have to think up excuses all the time.
You may like to try this sometime, test the water with people that you feel quite confident with.
You will probably find that most people will be sympathetic. Just a suggestion!
You know yourself that even taking the smallest amount of Cannabis is not doing yourself any favours at all.
To enable yourself to move forward, you must do your best to stop taking it at all.
Talk to your doctor about it at the earliest possible opportunity.
You have written a list of negatives which all seem to be fuelled by your low self esteem. But, look instead at your list of positives.
You have achieved such a lot!!!!
Keep these positives uppermost in your mind and push the negatives to the very back! You have achieved a GREAT DEAL!!!!
Be proud of yourself. You get up in the morning, you go out, you have your own home. The list is endless!
When you therapy appointment comes through, GO FOR IT!!
Talk, talk and carry on talking to the therapist. Get all your feeling out in the open. There is nothing more theraputic than facing up to your feelings and then talking about them.
Therapists listen. They do not judge. So, don't hold back, you will find a great weight has been lifted and this will enable you to move forward.
Just remember, Ross, we have all either been there or are still going through the feelings that you are experiencing. Post here as often as you need, we are all here for you.
Take care
Kate x
nomorepanic
15-02-04, 21:04
Hi Ross
What a moving intro - welcome to the site and thanks for opening up to us like that.
Like Kate, I read all the negatives and then I saw the positives and just know that you are a strong person. Most people only ever list the negatives, but you took the time to list the positives too - which shows that you are trying so hard.
The mind is very strong and very powerful and it can trick us into all sort of things. If it wasn't then most of us wouldn't even get scared of such things cos we wouldn't understand why we did in the first place.
You have done well so far and you can continue to do so. Please stay with us and talk to us so we can understand more and help you further.
Let us know if we can help with anything in particular ok?
Nicola
Hi,Ross and welcome to NMP.I read your introduction and the replies to it. Im a relative newbie to the site myself. I suffer from low self esteem and pa,s as well(with me its driving and shopping mainly )but they can strike anytime,anywhere.There is no magic solution .I wish there was. What i can tell you is that the people on this site are great and so supportive. Remember you are not alone.Finding this site and the good people on it has been the best thing thats happened to me.Try and join us in the chat room sometime .In the meantime try and stay positive and remember ..........you are not alone! Take care ,Steve
A short reply - very emotional.
Thanks for the kind words and support - I will reply more fully in a few days when I have composed myself.
In the meantime I will continue to take positive steps.
Ross
Hi Ross
Welcome to the site - I am positive that you can turn your life around if you practice.
Speak soon
Emily
Emily
Hey Ross,
Welcome. It's good to hear from you.
I'm so happy to hear that seeing the exhibition moved you to go and ask for help and to be assertive enough to know that you needed a specific form of help too. That's great news.
I know you've stopped the meds now but it's very usual for people to feel worse before they get better..
The CBT referral may take a good while so don't sit and wait for it.
Several things in the meantime - Vitamin B+C complex is always a good place to start as it supports the nervous system and you've probably been running on empty for a while ..the C is for smoking.
Express and comfort yourself in your best way - possibly do it in notes and grow into sequences, compose how it feels for you. Tears mixed with that is fine too.
Pick one thing you'd really like to address ie phone thing and break it down into tiny chunks and go for it by repetition perhaps get your sister to ring very regularly ,then her and your writing partner etc etc.Then you can practice calling recorded lines.
Ensure you continue to go out and about , maybe aim to do one extra trip out than you'd like to.
There is nothing wrong with your beers. Thats totally fine but slowly give up the cannabis.
Low self esteem is a whole different ball game. You know that you're professionally fine and a good talented person or you wouldn't be in the competitive world of media so the translation of that into your personal life is where you might like to focus.
You could look at an aspect of yourself as a brief for a job. What you as the client wants , what they must work with - time, budget, underscore, idents , bumpers etc and what you can do with a bit of creativity and some tweaking here and there over time and a few meetings. That's how a contract is won, progress is made and a job forfilled and signed off. It's a process, you too develop personally like that.
Do let us know if you have any questions and come back and let us know how you are doing
Meg
Watch your thoughts, they become your words...
Watch your words, they become your actions... Watch your actions, they become your habits... Watch your habits, they become your character... Watch your character, it becomes your destiny...
Hello again,
wow - where to start - I've been staring at your answers for a few days and acting on them. So many pertinent points and I keep feeling that i should respond to each one. But there are a billion things to say and each one would take half an hour or more. So thanks again - it's all making sense.
some positives
I've answered the phone a couple of times and I've just been to the gym for my induction. The instructor is going to phone later today to book a 1 on 1 to find out what I want from the gym and how he can help. I'm going to try to answer it before the machine kicks in. One thing he talked about was posture being linked to your frame of mind - and I do have bad posture. So I'm going to work on posture and aerobics to burn up the nervous energy.
I went to the falling awake site and have started a list of things to do.
I bought "the little book of quitting" and I've given up smoking - this is day 2.
I bought some valerian extract to help me sleep and it did make me sleepy but I woke up at 4am (like I often do) and tossed and turned with my ex and other bad thoughts in my head. It must have been six before I drifted off again.
I went to the chat room and had a nice time last night.
I'm going to super drug now to buy my B and C vitamins.
Reading back it seems like I have so much determination - but it doesn't feel like determination, it's distraction, anything I can do to stop the pain of my loss. I still have that tight physical pain in my chest but it is decreasing. I remember this feeling from before, you just have to keep busy and wait for it to recede. I know it takes time.
I do have some negative feelings and thoughts in my head but at the moment I can't seem to put them into words??? Maybe that's good, keep saying the good things, I don't know.
Phone rang - didn't answer it - something about a contract for last job. Called my partner and he will deal with it. Oh well - As I said I did answer it a couple of times over the last few days so I'm not going to dwell on it.
I'm off to the chemist.
Thanks for your help.
Ross
night walker
19-02-04, 02:58
hi ross
i have just read your intro' and your life is similar to mine,,in the drug taking aspect, and the feelings you are having to live with now' i do belive are from the drug taking,,,they have changed you,,making your body more sensative to many things that did not even bother you before,,from what i have read about you,,,i must say you have got to try and stop taking cannabis,,i know this drug can relax you,,but it allso can change your mind and thoughts in the long term and some times it takes months even years to get the balance right again,,,,
only you know how your life has changed and many of the feelings you feel inside can not be discribed,,,you know in your self that its much harder for you to live inside your own body,,,and you are weaker in many aspects,,,though you look ok on the outside in your mind you can feel so different,,, these feelings are holding you back from doing so many things,,,,
ross the only thing wrong with you is that drugs have weakend your mind,,,,some people can take drugs for many years and all ways feel ok,,,but in others it can open and close dours in your brain causing so many problems,,,if you realy want your life back you must stop taking drugs of any kind,,drugs are the devil they can give you everything but slowly they will take away everything that you are,,,and when you think about it moments of pleasure for a life time of pain does not add up,,,
your brain will repair its self when you stop damaging it,,,this take years sometime's,,,think back before drugs,,,did you have any mind problems????? if the answer is no,,,,then you have found the cause to your problems,,,by stopping the cause,,your brain will start to repair,,,so you can live your life again,,,at least you know the cause,,,most people dont,,
sorry to be so forward i have been through 3 years of hell because of drugs,,,there is not a thing i dont know about street drugs now,,,my life has totaly turned around ,,,,most of the terrible feelings have gone,,,the panic the pain the anger the anxiety the weakness the ups the downs,,,the fragil feeling and the billion other things that seem to hit the body when panic and anxiety rule your world,,, they are all going away they are all reduced to a point where i am in control now,,its a slow prosses but i can feel the diffrents,its not that i have learned to live with these feelings better,,,its because these feelings have got weaker and weaker over time,,,i still have the odd bad day but even these days are getting futher and futher apart,,,,,,i dont take any medication as i feel this puts my balance out(though there has been times in the past where i thought ooo my god i am dieing for real)and have been so close to taking a calm me down pill,,,but i never have,,,,exercise of some form' eating the right food and taking a view vitamins helps a lot,,,keeping your self active in mind and body reduces these attacks in time'try to stay away from similiants(god my spelling i getting worse) of any kind,,,when you are feeling negative,,,try to do something that feels positive,,,even though you dont feel like it,,afterwards you will be glad you did something positive,,,,
time does change these feelings in your mind,,,,,,dont fuel the fire and the fire will go out
good luck ross
Nightwalker,
Its really good to read that you're feeling much more in control and your days are much brigher now and the bad days are so much less
Well done
Meg.
hello rossk,just thought id add a post to yours.weve had a brief chat in the chat room ,but now ive read your post i can understand a
bout your problems more.
i too had a problem with drugs,i smoked gear all the time and did the rave drugs(ecstasy,speed ,trip).the thing is i gave them all up about 7years ago ,along with ciggarettes and alcohol,it just didnt help me with my problem.i believe the drugs eventually played a part in my anxiety problems,although it may not be the root cause of it .i have ocd as well,and i probably had tendencies before any form of drug was took.
i just accidently posted the reply with out finishing my post lol.(pressed tab instead of enter).
anyway,i hope you find great advice on this site ,i know there is.the thing you said about that time you were calling people and it didnt bother you as much,it kind of works like that sometimes .for me its an up and down experience.
all the best.........paul
Hi Nightwalker and Paul and everyone. Thanks for taking the time. well you'll be pleased to hear that I threw out my spliff tin 4 days ago and I'm hoping that (I even expect) my brain will adjust sooner rather than later. ok I have done it for a long time but I've never really caned it - if u know what I mean. For example 1 E and I would freak and you'd see me legging it home so I've actually tried and then avoided most drugs - apart from spliff. Stupid peer pressure huh? Well, seeing as my few friends are very settled and happily staying in or socialising in the parental world and my very social girlfriend left me - it may be some time before I'm invited out somewhere to test my anxiety in a social situation but I think with practice..........
I have noticed on the rare occasion that I've made it out that if there are no stuck up or aggressive people or "i'm too cool" people.... I can be calm and ok. The anxiety can raise as I worry for 2 hours about saying goodbye - i think cbt can help me there. I've been known to disappear when no one is looking without saying goodbye. Of course people will like you more if you say hello and goodbye - it's only polite. Actually people do like me - they just rarely see me again - one of a few reasons being that I would have to explain why I disappeared the last time.(and they probably hadn't even noticed)
If I think back to before drugs I have always been slightly dislocated from other people. I remember at 14 having clothing problems and worrying about the school disco (too many people). An understanding mate forced me to buy some black cords and dragged me along where I noticed that everyone looked silly while they danced and had a good time. I think I tuned into the few nervous people that were at least having a go.That's another of my fears - someone grabbing you're hands and dragging you towards the dancefloor while you protest and pull in the opposite direction. It's happened on a few occasions and it's not a pretty sight. Once this girl was very very very adamant that I would dance and of course I won. We were both extremely embarrassed lol. Maybe i'll take some beginners salsa lessons or something - loosen up a bit!
I bought a jumper and some jeans today - I can't remember the last time I did that. I was very nervous but I pulled out 4 tops and thought wtf I'll try them on in the changing room - no one needs to see. Well - inside there were no mirrors!! and then I heard this sales assistant guy asking if I was ok. (And he had become my personal sales assistant and he was going to stand there till I came out.) Um...yes. Now normally I can't tell if something is nice or not, if I like it of not because all I can feel is fear and embarrassment from being so useless, but I quite liked one of the tops - somehow, so I put it on and walked sheepishly out into the shop where everyones eyes appeared to be on me and I stood in front of the mirror. Then I did it 3 more times. Then the assistant insisted that I try something else on that had been selling very well in Leeds? Somehow again I could tell whether I liked it or not - I didn't but I tried it on anyway just cos I felt that he was getting upset?? silly. Back out in the shop a female assistant came up to me and said that she preferred me in the blue striped top - the one that had originally caught my eye. Fantastic. Back in the changing room I heard her apologise to him - he was upset at being undermined. As I paid for my top the guy couldn't look me in the eye. - strange. I thanked them both and left. A huge leap forward.
I'm feeling very anxious now with all these memories so I'm going to the gym to try the 'burning off adrenalin' theory.
I'd say I'm 7/10 and I'll post back after.
later
ross
Good for you Ross.
Well done for stepping out there and challenging yourself !
You got several good things out of the one experience - clothes, interaction with several people, decision making, gut instinct talking and a huge sense of success and progress. Now to anchor the Okness and success you might want to repeat the experience again soon.
Long before panic ever set in I was very selfaware at discos - as they were then- I'm a tadge over 6 foot and was that height at 13 years old and there was just no way I was going to be the one person everyone could see dancing from anywhere in the room- badly.
I still wanted to seen to be involved so became expert at taking on front of house jobs, back of house jobs, bar tasks etc. I do love barn dances, caileighs etc as every one generally is in the same boat figuring out out as you go along.
Most kids feel different as teenagers but don't want to , it's the kids that 'appear' collected and confident that set the scene for the rest .
Meg
Watch your thoughts, they become your words...
Watch your words, they become your actions... Watch your actions, they become your habits... Watch your habits, they become your character... Watch your character, it becomes your destiny...
night walker
21-02-04, 01:07
good on you for getting rid of the splif tin,,,keep going in a potive way and you will see more of your old self comming back,,
well done
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